Original subtitles

Thank you for being a friend.

Travel down the road and back again.

that we got Bill and Milton to do their live radio broadcast from our hotel.

It's going to give us so much publicity.

And Lord knows, with business as slow as it's been, we made it.

There it is. How's it look? Oh, it looks just fine, just fine. Back to the

kitchen now.

What, that's it?

No thanks, no gratitude?

You mean to get me all hot and sweaty, work me like crazy, and then send me

away?

Man, I feel like one of your dates.

But I guess you'll want to run back to the Arco station and brag to all your

buddies.

No, good, good. I can't wait to see you too, Mom.

Okay, yeah, this is great.

This is terrible.

My parents are coming to see me, and I think my dad has some bad news to tell

me. Why, what makes you think so?

Well, he called me Roley.

So? So the last time he called me Roley, he told me I'd been cut from the Little

League team.

How come the coach didn't tell you? He was the coach.

Oh, what do you think it is this time?

Taffy's dead.

Who's Taffy? Our dog.

Your mother and dad would fly all the way down here just to tell you a dog

It wasn't just a dog, Blanche.

It was a part of our family. We had her for over 14 years.

So what do you think she died of?

She was a smoker, Rose.

Old age. I just said we had her for over 14 years.

Sarcasm, Rolly?

Maybe that's why Daddy didn't want you on the team.

Okay, there you go.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Hi, guys. Hi. Hi. My

Chewy. Oh, how are you doing? This is Sophia.

Hi, Sophia.

How are you? Nice to meet you.

You guys are the funniest thing I ever heard, and I always wondered why you're

not on TV.

Although, now I know.

Hey, are you going to do one of your practical jokes for incredibly stupid

people? I just love that bit. No, we haven't done that in a long time. As a

matter of fact, the last time we did that stunt, Milt here had a little

Yeah, according to Bill here, some tranquilizers don't work on some

We pulled them off you, didn't we?

You tied live chickens to my feet.

It was funny, wasn't it? I lost a toe.

We found it.

It's a shame you don't do those jokes anymore because I know the perfect

for your show tonight.

Oh, really? Yeah, but the stuff we did was so outrageous.

We could do the Penn and Teller bit, though.

Are you sure this person is stupid?

enough to fall for one of our practical jokes?

You're going to have to trust me on this one.

Roland,

the hotel is beautiful.

Son, I'm impressed.

Well, uh... I've tried to create an atmosphere of class and dignity. I hope

succeeded. Hold that elevator, please.

No, no, no, no!

Oh.

Shouldn't you call the owners and tell them there's a crazy woman loose in the

hotel?

Well, you know, actually, that is one of the... You want to go ahead and make

that call?

First show us to our rooms. We want to get cleaned up before we eat.

Okay, how long are we going to do this?

Do what?

Act like there's nothing wrong. You guys came down here to tell me some bad

news. What is it?

I'm sorry, son.

We didn't want to break this to you over the phone. Just go ahead, Pop. I have a

feeling I know what this is already.

Now, Roland, promise you won't take this too hard. You get so easily upset.

Mom, look, stop treating me like a child. I'm a mature adult. Just say it.

Your mother and I have decided to get a divorce.

You and Mommy are going to do what?

this comes as a shock to you, honey, but the marriage has been over for years

and we feel it's time to stop pretending.

Pretending? Are you crazy? You two need each other. Roland, your mother and I

have been unhappy for at least 20 years.

20 years?

Yes. You two have been unhappy for 20 years of your life? I'm afraid so.

So what's another 20?

Roly. No, no, no. Don't Roly me.

You just blurted this out. This is really bad news. You didn't prepare me

anything, Pop.

You didn't even say sit down, son.

God, I thought you came down here to tell me that Taffy died.

At least I was wrong about that.

Sit down, son.

Okay, we're back.

We're broadcasting live here from the Golden Palace Hotel, talking to one of

owners. The witty, vivacious, and might I add, lovely Blanche Devereaux.

Blanche, say hello to our listeners.

Hello.

Blanche, do you mind if we ask you a couple of personal questions?

Not at all, Bill.

Tell us, as a transvestite, do you find that it's harder running a business here

in conservative Miami? I beg your pardon, Bill. I am not a transvestite.

I'm sorry, transsexual. I always get you guys mixed up.

Boy, you know, I get them mixed up too, Bill, especially after a couple of

beers. Wait a minute. Listen. Look here. I am a woman. And I was born a woman.

Oh. Yeah. You mean a woman trapped in a man's body. Same old story. Yeah.

Okay. Why don't you tell us about the operation then, Blanche? Yes. You know,

they say sometimes when a man has to have his leg amputated, he can still

the leg. Yeah. They want to wiggle her toes, you know.

Did you ever want to wiggle your toe, Blanche?

Or do you keep your toe in a jar?

I know mine is.

What?

Now, my name is Blanche Devereaux. I am a woman. I have always been a woman.

There must be somebody out there who slept with me.

Hello.

How about a nice round of applause for our guest, Mr. Blanche Devereaux. Thank

you, thank you. What the hell? Attention's attention.

Well, Mel, I see by my watch it's time for a little audience participation, and

we're going to try an old favorite called... Have a little faith. I love

Yeah, me too. Now, we're going to need a volunteer for this game. Now, anybody

here want to play?

Rose, what are you waiting for? Raise your hand. I don't think so.

Why should I go up and let them make me look like a fool?

I mean, what's in it for me?

As a prize, we'll be giving away these three magic beans.

Oh, we have a volunteer.

Come right over here, sweet thing.

What's your name?

Rose, Rose Nyland. Hi, Rose, Rose Nyland. How are you? That's catchy. Now,

order for you to win these beans, you have to answer three trivia questions.

How are you on farm trivia?

Oh, I'm great on farm trivia.

I used to live on a farm. Isn't that a coincidence?

Absolutely.

Boy, this will be easy.

And I have faith that you can do it.

Don't you, Milt? I'd be willing to bet my life on it, Billy.

Take that bet, Milt. Okay, boys.

Yes, sir.

All right, radio listeners at home, we have a tank of water in front of us.

Now, Milt, I double dare you to stay submerged in this tank of water until

successfully answers all three farm trivia questions.

Boy, I don't think I can pass up an opportunity like that, Bill.

Wait, how's he going to breathe in there?

Well, he can't. That's the point.

We're depending on you. We have faith in you that you'll get them out in time.

What's more important than faith?

Air. Air.

You know, Billy, the lady may be right on that air theory.

Okay,

he's in there nicely safe in there, nicely sealed up. Okay, now let's get to

question number one. But before we get to question number one, Rose, tell us

about yourself. Where are you from?

All right, question number one. What do you call a baby goose? A gosling. A

gosling. That's very good.

Okay, question number two. Pay attention, dear.

Name a machine that you find... A tractor.

No, no. Wait till I finish the question, dear. It's not really fair unless you

let me finish the question. I'm sorry. Okay.

Name a machine that you find on a farm.

A tractor. Yes! Very good. You're doing so well. This is only your first time.

Ladies and gentlemen, she's terrific.

Before we get to question three, let's have a small commercial break.

Oh, no!

things that a farmer plants 50 you want 50 well there's a thousand of them come

on you can rip them off like that let's go oh wheat barley rice cotton corn how

many is that let me see you said wheat barley peas lettuce corn

you already said corn did not

partner just a minute sweetie honey do you want out he loves it in there he's

like a fish go on come on oh my god um parsnips turnips uh

yams sugar beet uh watercress harmony marijuana oh oh

my god it may be illegal but it's a cash crop

This man is dead. Oh, no.

And I have a very strong hunch he drowned.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Goodbye, funny face.

You killed my partner.

Did you hear that, Miami?

Rose Nyland killed my partner.

And now listen to Rick James singing Super Freaky.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to kill him.

I'm a bad girl.

I'm a bad, stupid girl.

Sophia, this prank on Rose has gone too far.

Ah, don't be a baby.

This is horrible. How can you do this?

Rose is the sweetest woman in the world. And while you're standing out here

laughing, she's probably sitting in the lobby crying her eyes out.

I see what you're saying.

I should be in there watching that.

Sophia, I know why you did this to Rose. You did it because you're jealous of

her. And you're jealous of her because you're a mean old woman.

Ooh, gee.

When did they start teaching psychology at Hamburger U?

Sophia, I'm serious.

You gotta tell her the truth.

Oh, come on. It's her own fault. Even a chimpanzee would know it was a practical

joke. Sophia, I think we all agree that the noble chimp has a leg up on Rose.

But that's not what we're talking about here.

Oh, hi, Rose.

What do you got? A moth. I found it in my room.

I just want to be sure it gets outside safely.

From now on, I'm dedicating myself to preserving life.

Fly, little moth.

Be free and live.

It's two for two.

All right, that's it. Either you tell her or I'll tell her. Okay, okay.

I thought this kind of practical joke would make me laugh, but it hasn't. It's

affected me in ways I didn't think possible.

Yeah, it's made you feel ashamed, hasn't it? No, it excited me sexually.

Sophia!

I'm as shocked as you are.

Roland, I think I could really help your parents.

Well, my husband George and I spent some time at a marriage council, and I

really learned a lot. I learned how to be detached and objective.

See, you're too emotionally involved to be of any real help. No, now, you know

what I think? I don't care what you think, Blanche. Now, look, if my parents

don't realize that they belong together, then I'm going to show them. And,

Blanche, I don't need your help. Well... So until I find a place of my own, I'll

just move in with Roland. Whatever.

Blanche, I need your help.

Hey, guys, uh... Blanche wants to talk to you for a second. Hello again.

Now, I want you both to realize that I've had considerable experience in

mediating problems like yours.

Well, that's very kind of you, but this is rather a personal matter. Personal

matters are my specialty.

Now, Louise, what was your first indication that there might be a problem

marriage? Well, if you must know, it began in the bedroom.

Oh, no, no, no.

I don't want to hear them talk about this. Well, fine. Go in the other room.

What was it, honey? Too little? Too much?

I'm not afraid of details.

Maybe if you'd been more passionate, I wouldn't have had guys over to watch

sports all the time. How could I be more passionate in a room full of men?

Actually... Blanche!

Look, this is crazy. This just is not going to work. No, and will you please

give this a chance? All these people need is a third party who's not

involved. Yeah, but... Now, Joey, you know...

A marriage doesn't break up over just one issue. Now, there must have been

conflicts. Of course.

Louise lost all of our life savings gambling.

What? Wait a minute. Nobody ever told me that. Mom, I had no idea you knew how

to gamble. Well, apparently she doesn't.

You know, my husband and I used to play the horses.

Well, I wouldn't gamble if you would stay home on the weekends.

Why? So I can listen to you nag about how I don't make enough money?

We loved all those little riding crops and saddles.

nagging woman than a man who can't control his tears.

Even men have a change of life, Louise.

Of course, we never actually made it to the track.

He was a lusty man.

Lusty, lusty man.

Lusty, lusty cowboy who liked to run all night. Will you stop talking about

yourself?

My God, my parents have problems. They have very serious problems.

Honey, that's what we've been trying to tell you.

This hasn't been easy for us either, son.

But it's time we got on with our lives, and you too.

Well, I guess it's time I accepted this.

I mean, I'm not going to like it, but if a divorce is what you guys want, then

I'm not going to stand in your way.

Thank you, baby.

You're welcome. Not you.

Go on, Sophia.

Go on.

Tell her right now.

Rose, I have something to tell you, and it's very difficult for me.

Oh, no, more bad news.

Don't tell me the magic beans weren't really magic.

Come on, she's so easy.

Tell her now, old woman.

All right, all right.

There's something I haven't been totally honest with you about.

Oh no!

Rose! What have you done?

It's over.

I sent him back to hell.

Mother of God, this is horrible. I gotta hide.

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

You killed a man.

I killed a ghost.

You killed a man, you idiot.

I don't understand.

It was a joke.

I was pulling a joke on you.

Milton wasn't really dead. It was all just a big joke.

Sophia, you took the words right out.

How about you, sir?

I am a woman, damn it.

Prove it.

Well, fine. How about starting off with dinner?

Fine. I'm right behind you. I can't believe how this transvestite bit works

every time.

I can't believe how this dinner and I'll prove it to you bit works every time.

I don't believe this.

Rose, you knew the whole time.

We all did.

When you went to Milton and Bill, they came to me.

They thought anybody as vindictive as you deserved a practical joke.

So, who's the incredibly stupid one now?

So you had this all planned, even down to the moth and the bug zapper? No, that

was an unfortunate accident.

I hope you're all satisfied. This was a terrible thing to do to an old lady.

It's not funny. You really had me scared.

You really had me...

well they didn't buy the heart attack put the jokes on them i

think i broke my hip