Original subtitles

Being a friend Travel down the road And back again Your heart

need for all the body parts, but I can't figure out what this thing is.

That's a throat bone.

There's no bone in the throat.

There isn't?

Hey, I'm choking.

Sophia.

Hey, Roland, can you help me with my homework?

Yeah, kid, set up in the office. I'll be right there. Oh, Roland, you don't have

to be here. I gave you the night off.

No, I kind of want to stay in for Oliver.

It's okay. I don't mind. I'm a workaholic.

Oh, my God, he's been drinking workahol?

You okay?

I've been floating around the ceiling dead for three minutes, but thanks for

asking.

Rose, don't you think it's kind of strange that Roland hasn't taken one

off since we've been here? And I know why.

He's lonely.

He hasn't been dating. There's no love in his life.

I should know. I'm the expert on love.

Oh, please get real.

You've had, what, three men in the last 40 years?

I had that many between the Kennedy and Oswald assassinations.

Yeah, and how many of that faceless horde say I love you? Honey, if I touch

in the right place, I can get them to say it's howdy duty time.

Well, I still say Roland needs a girl, and I'm the one to find her, not you.

Let's not make this into a contest, Rose.

Why not?

Chicken? No.

You afraid I know more about men than you do? No, I just don't think we ought

meddle.

Don't you dare cluck at me, Rose Nyland.

Look, I would accept your challenge, but it just wouldn't be fair.

And even if you did, you'd both lose. I think there's a very simple reason

Roland doesn't date women.

Why? Because they're not men.

Oh, you don't mean... Please, I haven't seen a flame that big since I went to

Arlington Cemetery.

Terrible. To make a good marinara sauce, you have to simmer it at least 24

hours. That's clam chowder.

Perfect.

Where did I put my glasses?

Hey, everybody, listen. The TV station called, and they want our chef to do a

cooking segment on Good Morning Miami.

Oh, all right, I'll do it, but this is the last time.

Oh, please, we have a great chance to promote the hotel on television, and I'm

going to let you go on and blurt something out? What do you mean, blurt

something out, you city posturpedic with a face?

Look, Sophia, I know that you're a better chef.

But I have TV experience.

Really? Oh, yeah. Super Bowl XXI.

That was me behind Bren Musburger, remember?

You know, it's a tough choice, but I think Chewy should go.

Sophia, don't take it personally. It's just that Chewy... Well, honey, Chewy

see. Keep talking, Blanche.

Keep talking, because I'm sewing him in.

Keep talking, Blanche. She went this way.

Roland, shouldn't you be out on the desk?

Yeah, back to work.

Well, that's the last time Roland will be single. Because in about five

a beautiful woman is going to walk into his life, and I'll win the bet, and

you'll be the loser.

Now, wait a minute. I thought we decided we weren't going to go through with

that silly competition.

Part of the secret of winning is knowing the game has begun.

Well, if you'll excuse me.

I have to go meet the future Mrs.

Roland Wilson out front.

No fair!

No fair!

No fair!

No fair!

The mating call of the losers.

Rose Nyland is not going to beat me at matchmaking.

Now, where can I find some delicate young creature that would appeal to

a minute to meet a gorgeous man. Well, can I freshen up first?

Oh, sure.

I'm fresh.

No, sir,

the Golden Palace doesn't offer that service.

No, if you leave your shoes outside your room, they won't be shined. They'll be

gone.

Son, this is a friend of mine that I just think you're really going to like.

This is your friend? What's her name?

Roy.

Actually, this isn't my smart. That's enough, Roy.

I just feel like you two are really going to be able to make a go of it.

Could you excuse us?

Blanche, this woman is covered in meat stains.

She's scaring away the guests.

Now, look, I'm sure she's a nice person, and really, it's not her. It's the

blood in the hook.

Stop it. Why are you resisting this? You're both so similar.

Similar in what way?

Well, you're both, you know, you both have, well, you know, you're both. We're

both black, right?

Black?

Hey, you know what?

Blanche. Oh, all right. I don't know a lot of black people, okay?

Besides, this is just to tide you over. I'm still looking.

Sorry, Roy. You know how men are.

No, I don't.

Why don't you make me sick?

Fixing him up because of his skin color. I've got someone coming who's going to

light Roland for Roland.

Oh, there you are, Mr. Rashooty.

How do you like your room? Oh, it's exquisite. Thank you very much.

Now, where's this, uh...

Tasty little Slim Jim you've been filling my ears with.

I'm with her.

So, how could you?

He's a guest.

I'm bringing him in as an expert. He'll ask a few questions, we'll get an

answer.

Potpourri?

No, thank you.

Straight, no chaser.

Now, you see that, Blanche? I don't need your help with my personal life. Now, I

don't want you meddling anymore and I don't want to meet any of your friends.

Roland, this is Joanne.

So this is the last time I'm going to do this for you.

Hi, I'm Roland Wilson, raging heterosexual. So nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you.

Oh,

except for you, Blanche. You lose.

I will not be beaten by that woman. Oh, she makes me so mad.

Don't sweat it. Between you and me, that date won't work out. I think Roland's

still hung up on Tricia.

Tricia who?

Tricia Waters.

She's Roland's old girlfriend. I've seen pictures of her. She's really pretty.

Oh, well, why did they break up?

I don't know. I guess because she moved back to Atlanta.

Atlanta, huh?

Well, well, well, I don't think this contest is quite over yet.

Hey!

What'd you just do?

Nothing.

You just put that whole box of sugar in the soup.

Oh, I did not.

You've been trying to ruin my food, huh? You want to make me look bad so you can

go on TV?

That really hurts me.

I'm a wounded bird.

I'm sorry, Sophia.

I was acting, you idiot. I was born to be on TV.

I just did the most wonderful thing. You can't tell anybody.

What, Blanche? I went through Roland's phone book and found the phone number of

his old girlfriend, Tricia.

I sent her a ticket. She'll be here soon. Isn't that wonderful?

Yes, it is.

By the way, you must promise never to do anything wonderful for me, okay?

So, Roland, how was your lunch with Joanne?

Oh, it was great. Incredible. This girl is great. Really? Yeah. I just didn't

think she was quite right for you.

Of course, I don't know any of the other women you've gone out with, but is

there anyone you just can't seem to forget?

We only won, actually.

Tricia. Tricia?

Yes. God, what a miserable experience that was.

Why? Wasn't she pretty?

Oh, yeah, she was beautiful, but she just suffocated me. I mean, she was so

possessive and clingy, she always had to have her hands on me. And, you know,

she had this game called Mr. Walking Fingers.

I can't talk about this. Oh, God, what a nightmare.

How'd you get rid of her?

I told her a little why.

Roland, I need to talk to you now.

I'm on the phone. Yeah.

Yeah, Joanne, I had a great time at lunch, too. It'll just take a minute. Uh

-huh. Well, I'm going to look forward to that.

Okay, I'll talk to you then. Bye.

Boy, this girl is terrific.

I have to tell you something.

Yeah, I know. I was upset before when you guys tried to set me up, but Joanne

great.

Well, love is my field of expertise.

Man, you know, for the first time in a long time, my life is finally coming

together.

Hello, Wawa.

Guess who?

Please, God, tell me it's Elmer Fudd.

Oh,

Roland, I was just stunned when I got your telegram.

And you didn't need to send the plane ticket. I would have been more than

to pay for it myself.

Now you tell me.

What? Now you tell me her name. See, this is where you introduce us. Oh,

Blanche, this is Tricia. She's an old friend.

Oh, well, Tricia, it's a pleasure to meet you.

Actually, Roland isn't quite telling the truth. See, I'm more than just an old

friend. I'm an old girlfriend.

We used to date right up until the time he entered the priesthood.

Priesthood.

Yes, Trisha was the last girl I dated before I tried my hand at priesting.

I can't believe this.

Trisha has called down 25 times today.

I tell her I'm busy, but she just won't leave me alone. And look at this. She

had a pot roast delivered.

God only knows what this means.

Oh, wait. This is from Roy.

women to choose from, but I still cast my vote for Tricia.

Haven't you heard a word I've said, Blanche? I don't want Tricia.

I can't keep running from her.

Oh, look, you guys probably don't want to talk about my personal life. Yes, we

do. Yes, we do sit down. Look,

I know what you guys do.

You eat your cheesecake and you tell your stories, but who's going to have a

story about being madly pursued?

I do.

Swim, man. Swim for your life.

Why don't I begin?

Because we hate that Southern crap.

The moonshine, the mosquitoes, the inbreeding. Please, I get pregnant just

listening to that stuff.

Would you prefer to sit here and listen to Rose ramble on about tap dancing

chickens?

And her recipes for Juergen, Bergen, Fergen, Gergen, Fergen.

You pronounce it just like a tourist.

Besides, what would you rather hear? Picture at Sicily?

Well, in seven years, I've never been able to picture Sicily.

So either bring in a photographer or shut up.

Look, you guys, I really shouldn't have brought this up, okay? It's my problem.

I'll deal with it. Oh, okay, okay. I'll skip the story.

Although you should know that mine resulted in a bare -chested brawl and

involved a man named Jerry Lee Lewis.

Why not Enzo Ferrari?

Mayor McCheese.

Can I just ask you a simple question?

Why'd you lie to her? Come on, Blanche. You've met her.

I mean, she just cares about me so much, I didn't think that she could take the

rejection.

I'm just going to have to figure out some way to get rid of her. But this is

problem. I'll deal with it. But, you know, thanks for talking, for being

friends. I just wish I knew what sick, twisted mind could concoct such a

scheme.

Maybe one of your friends could help you.

Roland, there's something I want to say, friend.

Well, what is it, pal?

I'm the one who sent for her, buddy.

You did what? Dead woman?

Yeah, I sent for Tricia. I guess I just got competitive with Rose and I... Lost?

You lost? I kicked your rump.

That's enough, you chucklehead.

I just wanted to make you happy.

How, by reuniting me with a woman that I can't stand?

Yeah, I know it doesn't look very good right now, but, see, love is my field of

expertise. Yeah, well, as far as I'm concerned, Blanche, you really crossed

line this time.

Aren't you going to answer it?

What? The phone. The phone's ringing. I know the phone's ringing. It's been

ringing all day, Blanche. I'm not deaf.

Golden Palace, certainly.

For how many nights would that be?

Sophia, the phone stopped ringing.

I suppose this will go down on my permanent record.

Look, that was Trisha's room, Blanche, and I just can't talk to her.

And you know what? I shouldn't be talking to you either. Roland, I know

upset, but we can't afford to lose business. Now, if you're not going to

phone, then let Sophia get it.

Golden Palace.

No ring that time either, Sophia.

A little joke to relieve the tension.

Well, here you are.

Meet me at the airport.

What a joker.

So, what do you want to do today?

I can't do anything today. I've got to work, Tricia.

Well, baby, I thought you wanted to see me. I mean, isn't that why you sent for

me? You just don't get it, do you?

Get it? What do you mean, get it? No, I don't get it. I'm not getting it either.

Let it ring.

We need to talk. Let's just go in the other room, okay?

Roland. Roland.

What are you going to tell her?

Well, any suggestions?

Oh, no, wait. You've gone way too far out of your way to help me already.

Well, why don't you just tell her the truth? She's not a child.

I can't. It'll hurt her too much. Well, it'll hurt her either way.

I mean, just be honest.

Deep down, everybody wants to hear the truth.

She'll thank you for it later. You didn't thank me when I told you you

like a cheese blintz in a wig.

Trish, look,

this is very difficult for me, but if we don't have honesty in this friendship,

then we don't have anything at all. So please understand what I'm about to tell

you is the truth and nothing but.

My mother was kidnapped by Afghani rebels and I must go to...

Again?

Trish, I was never a priest.

I never even left Florida.

Roland, I've always known.

I knew you were lying when you came up with that ridiculous story.

Which one?

All of them. I'm not an idiot.

Then why did you even waste your time coming back down here?

Because when I got your telegram, I thought you wanted to see me. And I

to take one more shot at making this work.

There's so many good things we had. So many good times we had together.

Remember?

Mr. Walking Fingers climbing up Roland Mountain.

Stop it! Stop it! No.

Look, you stop it.

Trish, I didn't send you that telegram. Blanche did.

I'm sorry. I just, I don't love you.

You don't love me.

No, I don't.

Can I ask why?

Well, there's never just one reason why somebody doesn't love somebody, but if I

had to pick one, I...

I guess it's because you suffocate me.

I do.

Look, I'm sure that there's some guy out there who really wants a beautiful

woman to love him the way that you love me.

But that just can't be me. I'm sorry.

Well, at least you were finally honest with me.

You know why I was so hung up on you all this time?

No, why?

Because you were the first guy who didn't seem to be interested in me just

because of my enormous inheritance.

Joey, how did the TV taping go?

Oh, man, I was on fire.

I sizzled, I sauteed, I baked, I browned.

Then I figured I might as well get off the beach and go do the show.

once I got into the studio.

Is Sophia still picketing?

Yeah. Man, that old lady can work a bullhorn.

Roland, listen, we've been talking and we both realize that we owe you a little

apology. Oh, well, thanks.

The whole thing started because we were worried about you. We thought you were

working too hard.

Well, do you know why I'm working so hard?

I'm trying to teach you three ladies the hotel business.

I mean, you guys are new at this. I can't trust you alone at the hotel yet.

Well, we're not going to do anything to hurt our own business.

Boy, it's hot out there. Do you mind if I pick it around the desk?

Roland, I think it's really sweet that you worry about us, but honey, you have

to understand now, we worry about you too.

We can't help it. You're a family now.

You consider me family? Come on.

Well, for heaven's sake, we work together, we live together.

You're like a son to us.

We were worried you weren't getting any.

Well, I'm really fond of you guys, too. But in the future, please don't go

messing around in my love life. I mean, I'm capable of handling that myself.

You know, this matchmaking thing, it just does not work.

Ready to go to lunch, Ro?

Okay, this time you got lucky.

So, Roland's going out?

Hey,

are you guys sure you're going to be okay here without me? Go ahead. We're

capable of running this hotel.