Original subtitles

Thank you for being a friend Travel down the road

I understand, Miles.

Do the best you can, huh?

Bye.

Miles didn't cancel your date again, did he? Well, he said he might be able to

stop by. He has another meeting.

I mean, I understand things come up, but tonight was going to be so romantic.

I got candles. I shaved my legs above the knee.

I even bought a new teddy.

Victoria's Secret.

Toys R Us.

I know how much you were looking forward to tonight.

Well, it's not just tonight. I mean, we've owned this hotel for weeks and

still hasn't seen it. Not to mention the fact that he's been very inattentive to

some of my other needs.

What do you mean?

Well, it's been a long time since we... since we played cards.

How long has it been since you played cards?

Almost three months.

If I don't get my deck shuffled soon...

Okay, Blanche, these are the

guest registers dating back to 1985.

Now, if you want some more, I guess I could go look in the attic and see if we

got... Oh, my goodness.

What's wrong?

This name right here.

Jimmy Swagger? Uh -uh.

Beneath it.

Jimmy Swagger?

Miles Weber. Oh, so?

There it is again.

Oh, no. Oh, Miles Weber's all through this book. Yeah, Miles Weber's one of

best customers.

Nice -looking older guy. I haven't seen him much lately, though. Well, you know

him? Know him? He is Rose's boyfriend.

They're practically engaged.

All this news is going to destroy her.

Poor, poor Rose.

Blanche, we should not get involved in this. And besides, you're probably just

jumping to conclusions.

But there's lots of reasons why people check into this hotel.

Why would Miles Weber come to this hotel on a regular basis? He lives in Miami.

I don't know. You live in Miami. Why would you come to a place like this?

Oh, poor, poor Rose.

I still don't understand why we can't serve my lasagna every night.

Sophia, I told you, we have to vary the menu. Give the people some choices.

They got a choice. They can either eat my lasagna or kiss my butt.

Okay, but does your butt come with soup and salad?

Oh, what am I going to do?

What's wrong, Blanche?

Sophia, I have a big problem and no one to talk to.

I just wish Dorothy was here. I need her advice.

can't you talk to me well no offense Sophia but Dorothy gives the best advice

she always knows just what to say hey I always know what to say you aging drag

queen now what's the problem well all right

all right but this is a really big one Sophia

I'm afraid maybe Miles is cheating on Rose, and I don't know what to do.

I tell her or just forget it? Oh, this screams for a Sophia story, but don't

worry, I'm not going to make you beg.

Picture it.

Brooklyn, 1957.

Sophia, do I really have to stand here and listen to one of your stories? Can't

you just get to the point?

Would you tell Aesop to just get to the point?

Would you tell the Brothers Grimm to just get to the point?

Would you tell, uh, who else tells stories?

Mark Twain?

Too folksy.

Oh, Henry.

Too ironic.

Ray Bradbury. Science fiction fan.

Get to the point.

Fine. Here it is. And that's why I stopped making polio vaccine from

I don't understand.

Not my problem. It's get to the point.

Well, Blanche, maybe I can be of some assistance. I have a little bit of

expertise in the field. You see, somebody cheated on me once.

Somebody I loved and trusted.

My wife.

Well, my ex -wife.

Actually, I'd love to say my late ex -wife, but she still... You get to the

point and the point.

Okay, well, the point is that I think you should tell Rose, because I wouldn't

want her to find out like I found out.

How'd you find out?

Graffiti.

Excuse me. Have you found a pair of sunglasses?

Are these them?

Yes.

Lobby tax.

Of course.

Here's five dollars.

Thank you.

This isn't what you think.

How can you look me in the eyes?

I didn't do anything wrong.

I was just a kid.

Come here as tall as I am.

What's going on here?

Okay, so I was using the lost and found to make a couple of bucks.

But I earned it. I was being enterprising.

What's the big deal? The big deal is you were doing something called extortion.

You're not going to tell Roland, are you? Of course I am. I have to set an

example so you know right from wrong.

Then again...

Five dollars could make me forget this whole sordid incident.

What?

To be honest, I'll probably forget anyway.

But five bucks will seal the deal.

But that's bad now. It's just as bad as extortion. Such a little boy to be using

such big words.

Cough it up.

Penny for your thoughts, Sophia.

You're stupid, and that's on the house.

Rose, we have to talk.

Oh, no, this is bad news, isn't it?

Conversations that start with we have to talk always end with bad news.

Rose, let's sit down.

Oh, my God.

First we have to talk, and let's sit down. Somebody died.

It's about Miles.

Miles is dead? No, Miles is alive.

Very much alive.

In fact, Rose, I have proof that Miles has been unfaithful to you.

What? Today, going through the guest ledgers, I found his name several times.

Before we bought this hotel, Miles was a regular on Wednesday nights. Roland has

seen him here. Wednesday is the night he plays poker.

Must be some explanation. Just think about it, Rose. Hasn't he been canceling

lot of dates lately?

Well, that's because he's had a lot of meetings lately.

Meetings.

At night.

Mm -hmm.

And this also explains why he hasn't been by to see the hotel yet.

Oh, trust me on this, Rose. Honey, I know when a man's been cheating. I can

sense it.

When I get this tense, tight feeling in my loins, it speaks to me. It says

adultery.

Boy, and I thought Senor Wences was telling it.

Honey, I'm so sorry about this.

Well, this just doesn't make any sense. Miles loves me. I know he does.

He's here.

Oh, my God, Rose, he's here. Okay, listen, I want us both to act like

has happened. I want to give Miles a chance to explain.

Look at this place, Blanche. Rose, it is beautiful.

I'm sorry I'm late, honey. But at least I finally got here.

What took you so long, sweetheart?

Well, after the meeting, I stopped over and got a sandwich.

Oh, sure, a sandwich. That's a good one.

Blanche, please, we agreed.

What kind of a sandwich, sweetheart?

Well, tuna fish.

Liar! All right, it was a

cheeseburger. I just didn't want to hear that cholesterol speech again.

Was the sex better with her?

You never loved me. Just admit it. You

never loved me. Rose, that's not true. Rose!

And please, let's have a nice round of applause for our very own Golden Palace

players and their living theater production of Come Back Little Sheba.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And please join us tomorrow when we will do our critically acclaimed version of

Little Abner. Thank you. Good night.

Good night.

Branch!

I don't know why you did that, but you have destroyed our relationship.

I hope you're satisfied.

The nerve of him caught red -handed, and he still lies through his teeth.

But you can't fool Blanche Devereaux. I could see the pathetic, grasping

desperation all over Miles' guilt -ridden face.

Wait, wait, hold it. That was Miles?

Oh, boy.

What is it? Blanche, there is a Miles Weber who's a regular at this hotel, but

that wasn't him.

Here, Rose, drink this.

Maybe I overreacted. I should have given Miles a chance to explain.

Hey, there's no excuse.

That guy doesn't deserve a beautiful woman like you.

You know what you should do? You should go out and find yourself another

boyfriend. You know, it would serve him right if I went out and had an affair

with another man.

A real man.

I didn't teach him.

Boy, if I could lay my hands on some virile, masculine hunk, I'd do it.

in women's clothing.

Really? I never felt so free.

Maybe I'm just kidding myself.

I mean, Miles would never be threatened by just anybody.

It would have to be somebody dark and mysterious.

Someone dangerous and forbidden.

Hey guys, what's going on?

Roland, what are you doing tonight?

I don't really have any plans.

Because Rose is looking for a real man to sleep with.

Aside from painting my toenails.

Don, I'll never find anybody as good as Miles.

Wait a minute, you're not still breaking up with Miles, are you? After what he

did? Of course.

Oh, Roland, promise me when you settle down with a woman, or whoever,

that you'll be faithful.

Wait a minute. Didn't Blanche tell you what happened?

About what?

Oh, Rose, there is a Miles Weber who's a regular at this hotel, but that's a

different Miles Weber than your Miles Weber.

I told Blanche that two hours ago.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Now, if you'll both excuse me, I have to go kick some gravy -sucking, gopher

-eating, cousin -humping southern butt from here to Chattanooga.

Excuse me.

I didn't order a baked potato. I ordered rice.

We need rice!

Rose, I have something to tell you. I bet.

What lies are you going to tell me about Miles this time?

How many women he cheated on me with?

How many times he did it when I was on vacation?

How he liked to cut pictures of Jackie Collins out of old people magazines and

sleep with them under his pillow? Well, tell me something I don't know, Blanche.

You told her about Miles. You couldn't wait for me to do it?

How did I get involved in this? I distinctly remember trying not to get

in this.

Rose, I swear I was only trying to be a good friend.

Don't give me that. Why didn't you tell me immediately this was all a

misunderstanding?

I wanted to, but it was hard for me.

I was scared. I was afraid you might get mad at me.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

Because like always, you were too concerned with Blanche.

About what would happen to you. You cared more about that than my

with Miles.

Some friend.

Ladies, please, I don't think we should do this. You stay out of this. You've

said enough.

Well, as far as I'm concerned.

Our friendship is over.

Yes.

Hey,

guys. Rose wanted some decaf. Okay. Whoa,

whoa, whoa. Come here, little man.

Sophia tells me you've been using the lost and found to extort money from the

guests. Now, you know better than that.

books not to tell.

Don't interrupt, shall we?

Look, the point is that we all care about you. We want you to grow up

right from wrong.

You know, we're trying to be role models for you. But she took my five bucks.

Okay, some of us are doing a better job than others.

Look, I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to make easy money.

I just want you to promise me you won't do it anymore, okay?

All right, I promise. Okay.

Is there any chance of me getting my five bucks back?

There just may be $5 waiting for you on your dresser. Really? Great.

Why can't I feel guilty?

It was one of those silly coincidences, that's all.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

Oh,

I feel so dumb, Miles.

Rose? It was just an honest mistake.

I must have been out of my mind.

I even planned a way to get back at you.

Oh, revenge, huh?

You're so cute.

What were you going to do? Call me on the phone and hang up? Ring the doorbell

and run away?

I hired an ex -green beret to tamper with your brakes.

I decided at the last second I couldn't go through with it. You were still my

fellow. And you will always be. What do you mean, at the last second?

Oh, I'm so glad this is all behind us.

Now I just have to figure how I can work here without ever talking to Blanche.

Rose, I think you're overreacting.

And I'm also upset with Sophia.

She was a little too eager to give me that Green Beret's phone number.

I think you ought to forgive Blanche.

Listen, I was upset too.

But we're human. We all make mistakes, Rose.

Miles, she tried to make me think you were cheating on me.

Although I'd have to be a pretty big idiot to believe it.

The very idea of you cheating on me.

It's really silly when you think of it.

We have to talk.

I sure hope you're about to tell me somebody died.

About six months ago, Rose, I was eating in a restaurant and I met this

waitress. Her name is Fern.

And we got to talking and, well, her husband had just died. Oh, thank God.

Somebody died.

Oh, sweetheart, that's not where I'm going.

Oh? Well, we found we had so much in common. We've developed a very special

relationship.

We've become very close, Rose.

I don't believe this.

Oh, sweetheart, I didn't mean to fall in love with two women, but I did, and I'm

very confused.

Rose, I don't know what to do. At my age, I can't afford to make the wrong

choice.

Choice?

This isn't a Pepsi challenge, Miles.

All that we've shared, and for you not to be sure.

I thought if we could talk about it, maybe we could work something out.

Rose, if you don't know by now that I'm the only one for you, there's nothing to

work out.

Oh, no, Rose.

I just want you to leave. Rose, don't.

Miles, why did you decide to tell me?

Well, even though Blanche didn't get her facts straight, somehow she was right

about me.

Her loins can talk, you know.

That's nice, Rose.

But I realize that Blanche is a better friend to you than I am.

And I couldn't let you throw that friendship away.

Thank you.

You think maybe... Maybe someday...

Oh, Rose, honey, Roland told me about Miles. I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry for all the things I said to you.

It turns out you were right.

Wish I hadn't been.

He's gone, Blanche.

Miles is gone.

Oh, God, what am I supposed to do now?

Well, you could try doing what I always do when a relationship ends.

Blanche, I'm not going to get naked and call the fire department.

servants. You pay your taxes.

All right, all right. Why don't you just try thinking of this as a new

beginning?

Oh, Rose, you're very special, and if this didn't work out, it's probably

because there's somebody out there even more wonderful just waiting for you.

I just thought Miles was the one.

This is without a doubt the worst production of Lou Abner I have ever