Original subtitles

All right, Emma, I'll do it in the morning. Cancel my meeting, okay?

Well, I'll do it tonight. Cancel my sleep.

Can I go now?

I'm hanging up. Goodbye.

Hi.

I'm so sorry I'm late. Can I wait for two? She's probably already here.

Actually, she's late, too. Thank God.

You had to give your table away, but another one should be ready soon. No

problem. Oh, sorry. I'm late. Traffic is crazy.

Please, I just got here myself. They had to give our table away, though.

Actually, a table just opened up, but it's right next to the bathroom, and

a little bit of a squeeze. Is that okay?

I only have this dinner until 10.

It's a crazy day.

Yeah? Yeah, my daughter wanted to have worn different shoes yesterday.

Spent the whole morning trying to explain the space -time continuum to

then I had four presentations. So you may have to do all the talking tonight.

As long as you're okay talking about recalled baths, because that's all I've

been talking about all day. By the way, if they have baths, don't order it,

because it's full of radiation.

Is this going to be okay?

Oh, yes, this is fine.

And I'll be right back with your menu. Thank you. Great. All right.

Here we are, huh? Finally.

I'm so sorry I didn't call sooner. I'm a little vague on those rules. Oh, it's

okay. It's fine.

Don't take it personally if I nap through the appetizer course. I could

alarm for the entree. Or we could just go home and sleep.

We could.

You are joking, right?

Yes.

Why not?

I do only have an hour ten until the sitter's got to leave.

I still have to go home and bedazzle my daughter's wizard shoes, so... Here are

your menus, and tonight's special is a fresh bath.

Okay, I think... Actually, we're going to call it a night. We are. Oh. So

Okay, I'll see you soon.

Well, at least we'll always have when she brought us those menus.

Sometimes it's more than I can stand.

Help me, baby, if you can.

Help me.

Oh, yeah.

That's it. That's it.

That's great. Okay.

Okay,

that's it.

Not your typical raisin campaign, I'll give you that. It's arginine. It's a

chemical that's found in raisins. It's reputed to enhance sexual performance. I

cannot believe nobody's thought of this before.

Okay, that's what I like. You're really not going to go out with her again?

When? I'm exhausted every weeknight. I'm busy all weekend with my kids. Besides,

you know, the dating thing is too complicated.

The logistics, the politics, the etiquette. Do you call? Do you not call?

They're on the slight chance that you're going to connect with someone. Even

slighter chance that you're actually going to have sex with them. I'm just...

I'm done. I'm just going to stay home tonight. I'm going to do my laundry. I'm

going to watch Twister Seekers.

Do you remember you used to mock me for staying in and watching Hoarders?

Hoarders? You know what they do on Twister Seekers? Seek Twisters? They

Twisters. Anyway, good luck with your soft core shooting. Thank you.

Okay, I'm seeing Nip. Those aren't the races that we want.

I did pepperoni fine.

We can airbrush out. Melissa?

Oh, my God. Hi.

But I mean, like, I should be surprised.

What are you doing now?

Uh, this?

Actually, I'm in PR now.

Yeah, raising, currently. Yes, yes, that's what I like.

Oh, it's so funny. I was just talking with Joanna Schultz about you. Remember

her from the Pink Panther?

We were guessing you'd be, like, a lawyer fighting discrimination or a muff

-raking journalist or something.

Nope, just this.

So what do you have to do? Oh, this and that.

I manage a women's health clinic, do a little volunteer work, you know, doing

what I can. Yeah, yeah. We got this look, so now we just got to cover their

bodies in honey and have them roll around in the raising pit.

Great.

Well, you're busy.

It's so nice to see you, Helen. Yeah, you too.

Bye. Take care.

Who's that?

A friend from college, who I now disgust.

What? Way better looking than her.

Helen, this is marvelous work. I absolutely love them.

What were they for again? Oregon Raisins Council.

We're pitching them a new media strategy on Monday.

Can't wait to see what you do if we ever sign the Mellon Growers Council.

That's funny.

Helen, if you don't need anything, I'm leaving.

Oh, Emma, what do you think of these?

Personally or professionally?

Professionally.

Awesome. And personally?

I mean, you're my boss. What do you expect me to say? That they might strike

as offensive and demeaning to women. And what are we doing? And how did we let

this happen? And what is happening to us? Are you shrooming?

No, but I could use a drink.

Oh, really?

You have dryer sheets?

I've been burglarized.

Take one of mine.

Oh. Thank you.

Julie, right?

Yeah. And you are Alex.

Yeah. Thank you.

You have big plans tonight?

Oh, huge. I'm going to stay in and watch Twister Seekers. Love that show, but my

stupid cable's out.

Hello. You're welcome to come watch at my place.

I mean, I do owe you one.

I could do that.

She was all judgy.

Like, by covering a nearly naked woman with raisins and honey, I was throwing

whole gender under the bus.

I mean, I have ideals. I was a pink panther. If that's an improv group, I'm

reevaluating our relationship.

It was a feminist group.

You were in a feminist group?

Yes. I mean, until I got thrown out on a shaving violation.

I mean, I wanted to make the world a better place. Well, can't you just come

with a different idea?

Like, what about female superheroes?

Oh, that is the most blatant example of female objectification. I mean, those

outfits.

a single one of them have small boobs.

What about Amelia Earhart? She had small boobs.

Yeah, like that.

Why can't we feature iconic women who have changed the world in their own way?

Susan B. Anthony, Frida Kahlo, Achieve, Inspire. This is our chance to make a

positive difference.

We should seize it. I get that you're excited, but you're kind of yelling at

about raisins.

So much to do. Anyone got a titillating story from the weekend to delay getting

on with it? Alex? Uh, Alex had a romantic Friday evening with the

Oh, filthy eyes. He's given up on relationships. Well, just for now.

Turned over his badge and his gun to the sex sergeant. I should clarify, by gun

I mean penis.

I've turned in nothing. I'll have you know, I actually, uh...

Very much still a member of the sex police department or whatever your

metaphor is. Come on, I'm sensing a tidbit. I spent a very pleasant Friday

evening with my television and a lovely young lady who lives in the building.

Yes! Son? Oh, please don't call me son.

Continue, Alex, my old Chudney. And please feel free to reenact with a co

-worker. I'll just use words, if that's okay. And not much to tell, really. Just

we watched TV, we ordered a pizza, and then we got pretty friendly on the couch

there. And then she walked down the hall. And that was it. And I got to wear

sweats the whole weekend. And the same thing happened Saturday and Sunday. It

was... Pretty darn great. Naves with benefits. The dream scenario.

The heck out of dating, I'll tell you that right now. Are you sure you can

handle a casual relationship?

I was in one before. It worked out just fine.

Oh, you didn't get overly attached and embarrass yourself?

I'd like to hear more about that.

Actually, you wouldn't, Stephen. The sex was very vanilla.

What a waste.

Hi, Stephen. Do you have a sec? I have lots of sex.

Let me write that down.

Oh, good.

Actually, on that subject, Emma and I were just discussing the Oregon Raisin

Council strategy, and we were wondering if we were on the right track here. In

that it is a bit offensive to women. Yeah, maybe a little. A bit offensive?

It's completely offensive. That's the point. Well, our point is, do we need to

offend women to sell raisins?

Wait, what am I doing? You don't respect women.

That's not true. My daughter, Violet, is the only one of my children who is not

an oddity or a write -off. And because of her, I am very respectful of women's

issues. Well, how do you explain your job to Violet? I don't.

Ah. Much as I adore Violet, I also adore money and sex, cells, in some countries

for a very reasonable price. But I digress.

Yes. Well, we just thought we could give the Raisin Council some options. Of

course.

Really?

Absolutely. Me too.

I've actually been on the phone since I said I digress. Keep the pitch as is,

and thanks for coming by.

Excuse me, what if I decided that I'm not backing down?

What if I said that I'm going to make a difference, no matter what you... You

can bring them on the plane if you put them in diapers.

Enter.

Hello. Hey, file's right there on the shelf.

Danke.

Oh, look at you and your I -don't -have -to -try pants. Pants are so labor

-intensive, I find.

Since when do you drink alone?

It's my thing. I found it in the bathroom.

Oh, hi. I'm Julie.

Oh, so nice to meet you. I'm Helen. Helen and I work together.

I'm sorry we didn't have time to clean up. There's no reason that you should

have to apologize for that.

Alex, finally got a microwave.

Oh, that's Julie's, actually.

Yeah, I brought it over here because we eat a lot of popcorn on the watch TV.

And we watch a lot of TV.

Speaking of, you know we ran out of chargers, yeah.

Oh, I totally forgot. I'm sorry.

You know what? That's okay. I'm going to go on a grocery run.

What else do we need?

Uh, coffee and soap.

The what?

Later. Oh, here.

Nice to meet you.

What?

Do we need anything? You realize you're in a relationship.

Not in a casual thing with someone who lives down the hall.

You sleep together, you're wearing pajamas, and she's moving appliances

your apartment. It's not a thing. This is a relationship.

You two are living together. One appliance for convenience.

Seriously, all we do is hang out, not really talk to each other, and watch our

favorite TV show.

Oh, my God, we're in a relationship.

to see if you were open to hearing this other approach, where we promote organ

raisins using positive and socially conscious ways. Sure, sure. Whatever

with job number one, crushing those California raisins. Of course. And

positive images of women. They can burn.

He's talking about California raisins. Not women. No, I respect women.

Oh.

It's an interesting concept.

Why don't we sweep on it?

Sounds great. Really great.

You know what sounds great?

Female empowerment and Raven together.

Uh, Julie, is that your toothbrush in there? Yeah, I figured I would just

one here so I don't have to keep on running back and forth.

Right.

Um, I think that we should maybe have a talk.

Sure.

Let's have a chat.

Well, this is going to be a talk, a little more serious than a chat. Well,

down for this.

Like, I've really enjoyed spending time with you over the past week.

Just, you know, doing stuff and watching TV and whatever. But things have kind

of progressed, you know, and I think they've gone a little faster than I'm

comfortable with. This is not you at all. This is totally me, okay? But I

that in the interest of our mutual whatever, that we should probably break

up, I guess.

Break up?

Do you mean, like, not hook up anymore?

Yeah.

Okay.

That's it? Okay?

Yeah.

Wait, but you still want to watch Twitter Seekers, though, right?

Well, I don't know. You think it's a good idea?

Sure. I mean, we're just hanging out.

Just hanging out? Yeah.

No, I got no problem hanging out.

Cool.

So, how's your new girlfriend?

Oh, I'm sorry, it's your fiancé by now.

Actually, we broke up.

Really? Yep.

Talk about breakups.

My CO and I broke up. Everyone wanted to give me my space.

You know what I needed?

This.

This. Talking, communicating.

So what happened?

Oh, nothing, really. It was no big deal. I mean, she was very nice, but it was

totally casual, you know? The only thing we had in common was we liked the same

television show. Our show was Dharma and Greg. They were an odd couple.

Was it weird when you see her around the building?

No, no, she's stationed in Seoul.

So, is it weird when you see her around the building?

Not at all. In fact, it made a perfect situation even more perfect. After we

broke up, we just hung out, ordered Chinese, and had commitment -free sex.

you broke up, but absolutely nothing has changed. It was totally different.

Before, we were hooking up. No, now we're just hanging out. Wait, hanging

You're not hooking up anymore?

Dude, hanging out is way better. Well, without the hooking up, what is there?

You're just hanging out? Well, we're still having sex. Did she sleep over?

Yeah, but just because... Did she have a cutie apartment?

Yeah, but just because we don't want to get locked out. Okay, you know, I see

what you're doing here. You know what your problem is? You're too stuck in the

old structured dating world to see this whole other side of things. The rules

have changed. The rules are there are no witches.

Awesome. Or some. Look, you've been out of the game for quite a while. Believe

me, things have evolved. Maybe Pete and I were just hanging out, and I didn't

know it because I'm not as evolved as you.

Oh, well, I'm glad to hear you finally admit that.

I think we really nailed it yesterday. I have a really good feeling about this.

I know we nailed it.

Brad told me. Brad?

Raisin Brad?

You talked to him already? Morning.

When he left my house.

What was he doing at... Wait, no. Me.

You slept with Raisin Brad? I had a big bowl of Raisin Brad.

Two scoops. We are trying to get these guys to see women as more than just

sexual objects. And to make our point, you make yourself a sex object?

I made him a sex object. Oh, Anna, you just tainted this whole thing. If we

dudes, you'd be chest -bumping me right now, asking me for details.

I'm trying to make a positive difference in women's lives. You're judging me by

some antiquated patriarchal standard.

And that's my line.

Because that's my job as a woman, to answer phones and never have casual sex.

Are you calling me insensitive?

Ah, my succulent satsumas. I had the strangest little email from the real

saying how excited they were about the new female empowerment angle.

And I was wondering if either of you by any chance have gone behind my back and

told them about that idea that you bored me with.

We did speak with them.

We thought it was important to give them a choice. Well, I commend you both on

your mighty big bollocks, but it was a complete waste of time. I mean, we can

include your little idea if you like, but it won't matter.

We pitch our clients choices in order to make them feel like they're choosing,

but in actual fact, they all pick the idea that I want them to pick, and I've

picked.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to see Rod Stewart tonight for an invite on

a sexual matter.

Okay, I was never a member of a feminist group, but I'm guessing he's the larger

problem. That is correct.

Previously on Quick Proceeds.

Hey, you're still here?

Yeah, we've just been hanging out.

Hey, Alex.

You want some popcorn?

Hi, Carl. No, thank you.

Just stopping by, are you? No, just kicking it. We were just going to watch

marathon of Twister stickers if you want to join us.

Sure, it's my apartment.

So, starting.

Very, very bad, guys.

Very dangerous situation.

Gosh, I'm cold. Is anyone else cold?

No, I'm warm.

Come here, I'll be your human blanket.

I could get you an actual blanket.

Okay, I'm sorry.

What is going on here? What do you mean? Shh, Twister's touching down.

Hey, it's a trailer park.

I mean, you guys are obviously all over each other right in front of me on my

sofa. What, do you want us to lie on the floor?

Not about the sofa, Carl. First you steal my dryer sheets, then you steal my

hangout hookup -ish neighbor person? I took one dryer sheet from you, and then

you took one from Julie, and then we all did our laundry. What's the problem?

I'm not sure, but I think it's you. Uh, maybe it's you. No, I'm pretty sure it's

you. Well...

Seems like we're having a little bit of a disagreement here.

Guys, why are we being so tight?

I mean, can't we just, like, hang out and have a casual night and dig on some

tornadoes? I guess not.

Seems like he's totally incapable of being casual about anything.

I'm gonna go.

But I need this back.

Isn't that your microwave?

No, that's Carl's. I've just had it for a really long time.

So what was that all about? What are you talking about? You guys are obviously

hooking up. No, Carl and I aren't hooking up. We're hanging out.

Hanging out like we're hanging out? More like messing around. Messing around?

Or no, actually, just doing stuff.

You know, I thought I could be casual relationship guy, but apparently I

So can we just maybe start over?

Have like a normal date?

Dinner and a movie or something?

I don't know. I find dating very complicated.

Man.

Breaking up a second time, that's rough.

How you holding up, bud?

You need a hug? I'm fine.

Really, that's the one good thing about this casual stuff, is you break up and

it's just, it's nothing.

Come on, it's not like I haven't been there.

Really, I'm okay. Well, I'll keep my eye on you. You don't have to do that.

But I will.

With the cameras, I can watch you every second of the day.

So don't worry.

Are the Raising Men here yet? Yep, in the conference room.

Well, don't worry about the loss of your youthful ideal.

They're just a handicap.

They'll only hold you back.

Wait, what's Violet doing here? Oh, it turns out she can get extra credit by

observing real businesses at work.

I don't believe you.

Do you even know what classes she takes?

School classes.

Oh, I'll probably get in there and pitch those guys on a dirty, sexy raising

campaign.

Hello, Daddy. Darling, what a lovely surprise.

I'm going to have your go -nots for this.

So we believe that a media strategy featuring iconic women will show the

-buying public that Oregon raisins are in the right side of history, while

California raisins are not.

Sounds great. Do you have any other ideas you want to discuss?

Just a little one, but it's not fully fleshed out. It's barely worth

We'd love to hear whatever you have.

Okay.

Well, basically, there is an amino acid called arginine, which is found in

raisins and has been shown in impossibly high doses to increase

the sexual performance in men.

Well, you get the basic idea.

It's more of the same sort of rubbish. But we really feel that this is the

you want.

So, like, for reasons other than business?

Sorry, what?

I just think as a business standpoint, you'd get a more vigorous response from

the sex one.

Oh, she's just here to observe.

No, no, no, no, no.

Let the young woman speak her mind.

Ariel, darling.

I just think the achievement stuff doesn't give the same visceral appeal as

breath. I'm assuming men are a large part of your target audience, right?

are, and men do like boobs.

They could be big even.

Would you guys like to step outside for a second to discuss? No, we're good.

The kid's right.

Let's go with the sex thing.

Well done, Gucci.

Thank you so much for letting me sit in on that meeting.

It's so inspiring seeing such smart and capable women doing this stuff.

I mean, it almost makes me want to be in PR and, like, change the world by

manipulating public opinion.

You know, I'm going to call that a victory and move on. Deal.

Let's get a drink.

Hey. Oh, hey.

Hey.

Just found out she's been hanging around with that guy in 415.

Dwayne? With the minor bird? Yeah. He's got a 55 -inch TV.

Well, I know what they say, Carl. It's not the size of your TV, it's the

of your program.

55 -incher.

That's just freakish. At least mine's proportional to the size of my

Oh, well.

Listen, Carl, I'm sorry about the unpleasantness, and I hope we can keep

neighborly relations.

Yeah.

Well, hey, later on, maybe you want to bro it up?

Bro it up?

Maybe bro out?

No. No, I don't want to do that.