Original subtitles

Isn't it nice at the park?

Baby's quiet.

Um, why are there empty cans in here? Because I recycle and she enjoys playing

with them.

Okay, are you sure you're up for this?

I mean, you were alone with your goddaughter not five minutes before you

emergency. And by the way, crying does not count as an emergency. God, don't

remind me. It sounded like a cat in a meat grinder.

Oh, God, again? What's wrong with her? Nothing. She's a baby. She hasn't

mastered the art of small talk yet.

Come here, sweetie.

Hi, you.

All right.

How did you do that? Is there, like, a part you pressed or something?

Yeah, you didn't know they came with a button in the back?

Maybe I just don't have a nurturing instinct, you know? I had popcorn and

Chardonnay for dinner last night. I can barely nurture myself.

Okay, Alec, you know their public restroom? My ex is here with some guy

the fountain. Do they look like they're together?

Uh, I don't think so. They're smiling.

I can't get a good look at him. Is he my age? Go on and introduce yourself.

And let her think that I care about her love life? No, no, no.

She already took in my house, my money, and half my time with my kids. I'm going

to keep my dignity, thank you. Is the man hiding behind a tree?

Is he tall? Does he have hair? She always wanted me to grow a ponytail.

I'm not spying on your ex -wife.

Fine. Then you can take the next diaper change.

Okay, I'll follow them. Meet me at the car. Don't put that kid on my leather

seats without a cork in it.

I just don't get it. I know that women are supposed to go gaga over babies, but

what am I missing?

You always go on and on about how much I love my kids.

Like, what is the big thing?

My kids?

Oh, so that's it? It's just enslavement to a biological impulse?

My buddy at the DMV ran the plate. The beamer that your ex got into is

registered to this guy, Mark Tanner.

Oh, and irrational jealousy.

You're nothing but biological impulses. I'm not jealous. Believe me, I could

care less about my ex's romantic affairs.

Ran his credit score, too.

Oh, well, you didn't have to. Oh, my God, it's a hell of a score.

That could snag a 30 -year fix like that. Holy crap!

Unmarried, partner at Danburg O 'Neill.

Look at the jaw.

That's like a... Probably an icebreaker. Just crushing the Arctic ice.

Wow. Okay.

I've been on for 36 hours.

So I should scram so I don't lose consciousness on the bus again.

788.

Hear the axes banging a lawyer?

Sweet. Get to kick his ass for two reasons.

You divorce someone, you can't be jealous. There's no reason. That's

awesome about jealousy.

You can just roll up a straight whale on a dude and he's like, why?

And you're like, evolutionary reflex, bitch.

Thanks, but I don't need to roll up and whale on anybody.

A lot of exes stay friends. My neighbor and his ex were roommates until she shot

him in the face.

Your messages and your reminder.

What is it? You told me to remind you to get your good suit dry cleaned for the

Portland Professional Association charity dinner.

Right. I'm assuming you have a secret suit I haven't seen.

Dry clean it.

Thank you.

Helen, a moment.

You too, as well. Something's come up.

Shauna Daniels is a candidate for Miss Great Northwest.

This morning, bloggers picked up a rumor that she's slept with one of the

pageant's board of directors.

These photos about her.

Rather indistinct, but they do appear to show her having intimate relations with

an unidentified man. Sex in a car. Sweet.

I want to have sex with a GPS ladyboy.

Doc, all you can see is that guy's flat old ass.

It looks like two pieces of that weird Ethiopian bread pressed up against

Thank you for ruining Ethiopian food. Ethiopian food ruined Ethiopian food.

Okay, let's give it the standard spin the scandal.

Shall we?

On it right now.

Some of us remember your sporty derriere from the corporate retreat jacuzzi

incident. Is he even paying?

More like barter.

Make me proud.

We went to Mount St.

Helens, which was really, really cool.

I'm glad, but weren't we supposed to do that hike together in the springtime?

Mark took us on a helicopter ride. Way cooler.

Mark? Who's, uh... Who's Mark?

Mom's friend from work.

Be a pretty good friend to be willing to spring for a helicopter ride like that,

huh? He didn't pay for it. He flew it. And he said he might take us on his boat

next week.

Uh, you don't like boats, though, do you? Remember you hated that flume ride

the theme park?

That was a plastic log.

Boats are cool.

Mark said we might see whales.

Boats, whales, my goodness. This all sounds really, really great.

So we'll get out a press release denying everything, then counter with some

positive press hits, photo ops, et cetera, maybe book you to perform at a

charity thing, maybe the PPA dinner, and Greg here will help you with some more

on -message wardrobe.

Not that what you're wearing isn't nice. You have lovely skin.

Like a sheep leopard.

So these are some general talking points, some do's and don'ts for

and we'll get you an itinerary ASAP.

When will I get a thing saying where it should be when?

Soon. Thanks!

Stephen was right. You guys take care of everything.

Thanks! Oh, not sure if that was fair. These are for you.

Oh, like homework?

Or as we call it, work.

She's like, what would happen if you let a ten -year -old drink?

She's just so ignorant, you cannot imagine.

I have children. Yes, I can.

Whales. Big deal.

Anybody can go to the ocean and look at a whale. You want to impress me? Build a

time machine and go look at a dinosaur. That would be cool.

Okay. I thought we were having the same conversation, but... I'm sorry. It's

just this Tanner guy.

You know what I mean? One helicopter ride. My kids are totally freaking out.

As if the ability to fly a helicopter was suddenly the epitome of cool or

something. So you're not jealous, you're threatened.

The man has a fleet of air and water vessels. I can barely afford the bike

I promised my daughter for selling Samoas and Girl Scouts.

Alex, come on. It's not the stuff that you have, it's what's inside. Yeah, no,

you lose.

Thanks. Really.

Sorry.

It's tough, isn't it?

Knowing one day your kid will be spending time with another dad.

You know, after my divorce, my ex hooked up with a security guard at Target.

Like I could compete with that. That place has everything.

It's not a competition, right?

That's what my dad used to say after I lost the track.

But as I got older, I realized he was wrong.

It's all a competition.

You can't win if you don't play. It's like that movie.

Do you give in or do you fight for what you love?

What's that movie?

I don't know. I think you just described every movie ever made. The Karate Kid.

Sometimes you gotta sweep the leg.

I don't remember that being the lesson of the Karate Kid, but you know what I

mean.

This guy flies helicopters, you know?

Helicopters? Wow.

That's like Target with a propeller.

So,

did the

client run an oil tanker aground or kill a hooker?

Oh, no, no.

Well, it's more personal.

I actually have to leave that one. Stephen, it's for my kids.

I was hoping to do something impressive for them. Fire my loft. Not only does it

zero out countless misbirths, but they actually go away and live in it.

Well, it's something that I could afford.

Ah. Like a favor. Like I do something for you and you owe me a favor in

Like I did when I got Greg those tickets for Lion King.

Oh, hopefully not that kind of favor in return, Stephen. You made him dress as

Cupid for your Valentine's party. He got great seats and a diaper full of dollar

bills. I was thinking maybe I could work extra hours.

We'll go with you owe me a favor. Much more fun.

Yeah.

And I called her cell ten times. Her message is her singing about reaching

your dream. Now my dream is for her to fall down a mine shaft.

Hi, Helen.

Oh, my God.

Wait.

I thought I needed to be here for that magazine interview.

15 minutes ago. And this is not one of those looks that we talked about.

Are you drunk?

No, I did my last shot like three hours ago. I knew I had to work. You stayed

out all night? Steven had his driver take me and my friends out clubbing, but

still made it here, didn't I?

Okay, I'll stall those guys from Willamette's family. Take her back up

freight elevator.

Put this on her, give her those pearls. And if soap doesn't take this makeup

off, you can use the mayonnaise from the kitchen. And there's a bottle of

mouthwash in your lower left desk drawer, and I can get the cigarette

with the Febreze in the lower right.

I did you ask the Christmas party last year?

Oh, right. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I'm just happy you guys took the time.

I love talking about my charitable work.

It's really why I got into this whole thing, really.

Volunteering puts me in a position to give back a little piece of myself.

Underwear. On hand for the rest of the week.

Preferably difficult to remove.

Stephen, thank you so much. My kids are going to love this. It is nothing. An

old mate of mine is on the board at the zoo. I have pictures of him backstage at

a Dire Straits concert that would make a veterinarian blush.

Ah.

Favor.

It's like she isn't capable of making an intelligent decision.

A rough going with your troubled teen?

It's like she has zero sense of consequences.

What are you supposed to do? It's like she's too dumb to live.

Well, that's what you're there for. You keep them alive.

How? Well, you set boundaries, you encourage within limits, then enforce

limits. That's it?

You have to keep it simple. Kids are pretty darn immature.

That's why I have to beat Mark Tanner and make him look stupid.

Ah.

When our jungle experience opens next week, it'll feature small exotic mammals

and reptiles from four continents.

We got your oriental fire -bellied toad, fennec fox, and my personal favorite,

pygmy snow lords.

How awesome is this, guys? This exhibit isn't even open yet, and we can look at

any animal we want up close.

Cool. I know, right?

Some people say it's a jungle out there, but what it really is is a jungle in

here.

And a hilarious joke by Frank. Here, you can actually hang with the animals,

like the bushy -tailed jerd.

Which, incidentally, was my nickname for my last girlfriend.

Slightly less hilarious, but okay, Frank.

All right, where should we start?

The jerk?

Are we done?

No, there's a feature reporter coming.

No, we just got the picture.

The reporter is doing a story on you serving chili to homeless women. So a

part of the story is going to be you serving chili to homeless women. Can't

do it? It smells urinary in here, and I'm supposed to meet some people.

Hey, I got plans, too. You getting me chili or not?

I'm so sorry.

Shawna, what do you want to do with your life?

I don't know, like win the badge and you get a reality show?

That's your goal?

Yeah. That's your goal.

What's wrong with that? Kim Kardashian makes more than ten views.

She wins. Now how about chili time?

If that's your stupid goal, you're going to have to work at it. I don't think

Steven would like the way you're speaking to me. Hey, Steven isn't always

to be there for you.

You ever think of that?

So you either stay here and serve chili, or I'm going to pull you from the PPA

dinner. No, you won't. Oh, yes, I will.

And you can try to make your big dreams happen all by yourself. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

So what's it going to be?

The python can swallow prey bigger than the size of its mouth because its jaws

are not connected.

Not unlike my ex -girlfriend.

Classic.

Hannah, come on. Don't you want to pet him? No. What if it tries to eat me?

Oh, that's what the whistle's for.

Haven't lost a man.

Yet.

Oh, that's a little squeezy. Like Frank's girlfriend?

Thanks. Is it eating you, Daddy?

No, no, honey. This is fun. Just, uh, Frank, maybe we should, Frank, should we

get another animal? Maybe. Whoa.

Look at that. Okay.

Reggie's got code four.

I'll call for help. Whoa, this guy's got a lot of pep. A lot of pep. Too late.

He's probably going to pop his head off. Okay, coming through.

It was amazing.

She called me a bitch, I called her spoiled, and I took her phone, and then

finally she served chili.

Nice. After we left, she said that she actually felt empowered.

It was like I was breaking through to a troubled youth and turning her life

around. Like, what was that movie?

Oh, I didn't want to try. Karate Kid. And then we spent the whole weekend just

hanging out, getting her prepped. It was great.

It's like I finally get that whole caring thing that you're always going on

on about.

What? That's just weird. I think he just had a nurturing feeling.

I know, right? I think I might even be good at it.

Stephen wants to see you ASAP.

Oh,

how was your weekend?

Very similar.

Nurturing feelings, snake battles, the usual.

We'll talk.

Hello. Helen.

I wanted to see you because you've quite exceeded my expectations.

As usual.

Sean has apparently taken her image rehabilitation to heart.

I didn't see her all weekend.

Right? I think she's making some great strides, actually. You're missing the

point.

She broke up with me. She didn't want to see me at all.

Something about empowerment.

Sorry, but I think it's a good thing that she's learning to stand on her own

feet. She was sweet, hopeful, and perverse, like a little bunny.

It's too painful for me to see her anymore. She's no longer a clown.

Don't exceed my expectations in the future.

Steven, uh... Shawna needs me.

Who? I don't know any Shawna.

Fine.

You can't make me stop caring for her. I'll help her on my own.

So, hey.

Huh. You'd think they would have been more impressed.

Yes, well, hopefully their future therapist can explain that to them.

Yeah, I shouldn't have to compete for my kid's affection, right? I mean, we're

all civilized adults here in the 21st century, and I'm their dad.

I shouldn't have to worry.

You sure?

Yeah. You sure?

Yeah. Why are you asking me this? I'm not going to say if you're sure. Are you

sure?

Well, mostly, I guess. Okay.

Tanner's house. Weekend, you were gone.

Were you spying on the guy?

Technically, spying is a very particular legal term, so I'll say no.

But I did get these photos inside his garage.

The kicker's here.

Is that the Barbell in a Girl Power Princess bike? With the handlebar pom

upgrade.

Oh, that son of a bitch.

The EPA had long

been committed to supporting community service and charitable work here in

Portland. And the 2011 Evergreen Golden Humanitarian Award... I'm sorry, Amy,

but my heart's just not in this. But you're welcome to stay for the chicken

masala and sex.

The Barbelina girl power?

I mean, that's one hell of a princess bike.

I can't believe he would cross that line.

I don't see him anywhere.

Yeah, but he's not even coming, dude. You probably heard you were looking for

him. Yeah, because we all live in High Noon and word gets around in the saloon.

That'd be great, dude. We could straight whale on Tanner right in front of

everybody. What is with you and whaling on people? I'm just going to talk to the

man. Yeah? With your fifth dog?

You ever actually been in a fight, Dan?

Not relevant.

Don't get me wrong, the guy's a conniving little jerk. I'm going to

him out the second I see him. And the winner is Mark Tanner.

Are you kidding me?

He's the guest of honor? This is like a joke.

It's actually right here in the program.

Lesson learned. Read the program, right? When the Silverton wildfire threatened

hundreds of homes, Mark eagerly volunteered his services to evacuate

in his helicopter, saving lives, property, and wildlife.

I can't believe Stephen came here with that skank. I should have worn something

that showed off my legs like that. But you have more self -respect.

Oh, come on. Big smile.

We're past all that, aren't we? You're in charge now.

Kate, I was thinking, maybe we could talk about you taking some classes, not

just singing.

Oh, anything but singing.

Something that you can fall back on.

Education is very important.

Jacket. For example, I have a degree in marketing, but I get to hold this

jacket.

Look, Helen, I totally appreciate all the help you've given me so far.

to stand up straight and to project, okay? Uh -oh.

Let's put Mr. Button here back in his hole, shall we?

Uh -uh. Not a part of the image.

Alcohol leads to bad decision -making. You should know.

Okay, I'm not a child.

I know you are. not. Here comes Mr. Button. What's the big deal? It's a

It's a question of who you want to show the world you are.

Are you somebody that achieves with professionalism and intelligence and a

button button?

Or are you a person who takes a jiggle bag so that old men... And you are

dismissed. What I mean is it's not a button. It's a choice. Not my choice.

I'm not you. Just leave me alone.

And now, Miss Shauna Daniels... Great. Happy?

Is this what you wanted?

Okay, Shauna, we're ready for you. You're on.

She's not ready.

Yes, I am.

You know what?

This is me.

Oh.

Let's do this.

Shut up.

Hi.

Hey. Oh, hi.

I'm Mark.

You look so familiar. Perhaps you recognize me from my kid's gene code.

I'm Laura's ex -husband. Right, right, right.

Alex, isn't it? Yes. I realize that you're involved with my ex, and that's,

course, fine. I owe you my life, Mr.

Tanner. Oh, thank you.

God bless you. You too, ma 'am. Have a good night.

Okay, so Alex, I... Let me finish. Yeah, sure. I really do take issue with the

whole Barbelina girl power princess fight maneuver.

Come on. He bought my daughter a rather expensive bike that I had promised her,

so I think we should set the... He saved my ranch.

Wow. Sir, we get it. He's a wonderful man. Okay, can I have a moment here,

please? We're right in the middle.

Yeah, good night. Thank you. Thank you. I think we should set some ground rules

if you're going to be spending time with my children.

Alex, I really don't think... This certain stuff is mine, all right?

Pixar movies are okay, except for Ratatouille.

That's ours.

Sporting events are good, except for the Red Sox. And I would like to be the one

to introduce them to Catcher in the Rye, Spinal Tap, and New York City. You can

have the Nutcracker, because I can sit through that again.

Oh, that's cool.

Oh, no listening to early Beatles music. In fact, all music between 1962 and

1978 is out. All right, and, uh... Yeah, everything else, I think, is fair game.

Okay, well, so I've only been out with Laura twice.

The bike is for my niece, and... How do you know it's in my garage?

Congratulations, and it was really great to meet you. Sir, I'm sure you have

something you want to thank this man for.

Yeah, but, you know, I think we should... Alec.

Okay.

Well, at least you got your ground rules out.

Yeah. Still, I should have cleaned up to 82, you know. I left some Elvis

Costello on the table. There she goes.

Does my ass look like a class rent to you?

All that work, undone.

She's just giving up on herself. She's throwing her life away.

It's like one minute she's looking at me to guide her and the next she's like,

screw you.

Yeah, I forgot to mention that happens too.

Give them everything and they haven't leave yet.

Hopefully, though, they take some of the best parts of you with them.

But... Alex.

Yes?

You will always be an awesomer dad than Mark will ever be.

Really? Mm -hmm.

Even if your credit score does suck.

Well, I'm sure you'd be pretty awesome, too, if you did that.

You know what?

Should we maybe just try not for once try this as friends?

Yes. That's exactly what I said to Shauna. Alcohol.

Bad decisions.

I know bad is too strong a word. I'm not saying it would be bad. It wouldn't.

Just, you know.

A little confusing.

Yeah.

Friend punch.

Hey.

Well, Helena finally got a reality show.

Oh, all right. So you helped her get what she wanted after, all right? Fame?

Stay, Helen.

Maybe next year I'll get her in Penthouse.

What's with the big smile?

I just got a text from my kids on Mark's boat.

Whale's cool, Mark boring.

Ah, Alex, my old melon ball favorite.

This is a stepson, Rupert. Could you take him to the zoo and do that snake

thing? Lovely. Thank you.

Oh, Stephen.

Stephen?

So...