Original subtitles

Oh, that is really a baby.

Baby person.

Baby Ruby.

Is it Ruby or Ruby?

Other girls never... It's a girl, right?

Yes. Ruby.

Ruby. Helen, first, I want to thank you for having us over.

And then I want to cut to the chase. Pete was my brother.

And if he hadn't, you know, died...

He would be your husband. And while I realize that we have nothing in common,

and we aren't actually family, I consider us family.

We don't have nothing in common.

We're breastfeeding her. Of course.

And it's nude.

With it all toast.

Congratulations to Edith, Thad, and Ruby.

Ruby.

You want to hold her?

Oh.

I don't know. Should I? Yes.

Anyway, I consider us family because that was what was in Pete's heart, and

still did in mine. Sure, and mine, too. But for me, he's in there, like, alive.

Look, here, why don't you take... No, no, keep holding her, please.

I'm not finished.

Helen, I'm here because if Pete hadn't, you know... Passed. Thank you.

You would be married, and I would be asking you both.

But it's just you now, physically.

So I'm asking you...

Pat and I would like you to be Ruby's godmother.

Her godmother?

Oh, that's great.

Godmother? You?

Really? Why not? Isn't it all just about flipping them candy until they're old

enough to drink?

Yeah, never mind. You'll be perfect.

I mean, is Edith completely crazy? Yeah. I think that I can keep her at bay and

have this tiny little link to Pete.

You realize that even tiny little links occasionally require some adult care,

right? Like bottles, diaper changes, actually paying attention to them.

what I have you for. I just do the fun stuff.

Oh, so I'm your nanny now?

Oh, technically you'd be the godnanny. I'm Rudy's godmother.

Rudy?

Her name was Ruby. Morning, all.

As some of you already know, my rival, dear old Charlie Renfrew, passed away

this morning.

I want you all to go to the service and pay your respects to a good friend and

esteemed colleague.

And then pick off the poor old bastard's clients.

I'm sorry.

You want us to... poach clients at a funeral.

Yes. Helen, I know this is your first funeral since the fiancé died. Feel free

to work that angle. Oh, that's a great idea. Thank you. That doesn't seem fair.

To add a sporting element, there will be a $4 ,000 bonus to whichever one of you

wankers can hook the most clients.

Second place gets two sick days off, uh, without pay. And third place gets his

car detailed by Greg.

What if I come in third? Just to be clear here, on the day when people are

coming together to mourn the loss of their dear friend and representative,

Charlie Renfrew, You want us to steal his clients while he's lying dead in a

coffin a few feet away.

Well done.

To review, from the top.

Richard Packer, Ollie Forth, 100 points. Dibs. You can't call me dibs. No dibs.

Oh, not another bumper sticker.

Don't have to put it on your car.

What, are you kidding? Of course I do. How else do tailgaters know that my son

is an honors student? You know, you keep this up, I'm going to need a wider car.

So, now I get to go to space camp?

Of course. Yeah, space camp.

That's right. I mean, I almost got a P in math. But, you know, the president

wants us on Mars by 2030.

Right. That was the deal, right?

Honored three times, and I get to go. I mean, I wouldn't want to let down the

president. He's got enough problems.

Oh, yes, he does.

Yes, he does. Poor man.

A wonderful father, family member. And so we take comfort knowing that Charlie

abides now in a better place.

Is space camps even still a thing? I thought we gave up on space. It's a

believe me. It's a $3 ,600 thing that I promised my son.

And my only hope of not failing him is to dishonor a man's memory by poaching

the most clients at his funeral.

Oh, God, I should have gotten new shoes.

Do those blacks match?

Who cares? You're going to win. You always win these things.

Oh, sure, yeah.

This time, you were going to step it up, you were going to win, and you were

going to shoot your son in space.

You think so?

I know you can do it.

Because I promised not to try so hard. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. I was

lucky enough to have the world's greatest dad.

How are you? Are you doing okay?

Me? Why?

This is your first funeral since you... Pete died.

Yeah, I know. I'm fine. Quit asking.

I asked you once.

Well,

he died peacefully in his sleep. It could have been worse. It's almost too

I once had to poach clients at a service for a man who was duly owned by the

propeller of a cruise ship. Talk about degree of difficulty.

I am going to rule this funeral.

Excuse me. I'm so sorry about your father. That was a very touching speech.

Did you know my father well?

Mostly by reputation. My dad was an ass face.

Oh. Well, then very artful speech. Never gave him a crap about anything I did.

Not even SB.

Uh, SB?

Synchronized ballooning.

I had to create the rules myself. I had to create the league myself. And then

when I finished top ten...

Nothing.

I'm just sorry he died in his sleep instead of being torn apart by

I better start poaching or my son's going to want me to be torn apart by

Wolverine someday.

His idea was a hearse. Who wants their last car ride under a big dumb station

wagon? Hearses are stupid.

Be sure you're okay.

You want to talk?

I'm good.

Forget about me. We're focused on you.

It's about you winning.

Base camp.

All right, space camp, space camp. Okay, win, win, win.

See that guy there in the gray hair sitting down with the bow tie?

That's Walsh Aluminum, isn't it? Go.

Winning. Confidence. All right, okay.

Pardon me, Tom Walsh, Walsh Aluminum? Yes.

I'm Alex Taylor. I'm from Hale -Dayton. Pardon me.

Oh, you're doing this now. All right.

Well, why don't I, if I could just, well, okay. I'll talk to you later.

Okay, Jeffrey Tuckett, Wataki Bedding, 2 o 'clock, 5 points. Go ahead, get him,

because I see Richard Packer hitting the men.

Why, them's so nailing him in there.

Ew.

Greg, Tuckett, 5 points.

Owen, try not to breathe on him. I hate you.

And I see a 34C who looks moved yet bored. Smooth sailing, Emma.

Greg, come on. Give me a big fish. Big. You're not ready.

You're morally conflicted. I'm not morally conflicted. Your pupils dilate.

I don't tell you how to do your job. A big fish will fence your doubt. Please

don't tell me how to do mine, all right? Now give me a big fish right now.

FYI, you just told me how to do my job. I'm your boss, all right? Give me a big

fish right now or you're fired. I'm just saying. Fish are fired. Fish are fired.

Now. Now.

Now. Okay, okay.

Dave, what about 30 points?

Thank you.

But even though it's a sad occasion, I gotta say, man, I just love your whole

gestalt. And your fleece? It's freaking soft.

If you ever want to... Want to get lost for?

Awesome.

Can I get a glass of Chardonnay? Got it. Actually, I'm working. Just the

sparkling water.

Sure thing.

Oh.

Hello? Hi, Helen.

Sorry to bother you. Just wanted to ask, are you baby -proof?

I'm on the pill, if that's what you mean. No, I'm talking about your

Has it been made baby safe?

Because Thad and I are in the neighborhood.

Outside your apartment, actually, with all the equipment needed. Are you home

and just not answering like at Easter? Actually, I am a little busy. I'm at a

funeral at St. Paul's, but I know that you still have Pete's keys, so just go

in ahead and whatever.

She's at a funeral.

Are you okay?

I'm fine. It's a business funeral.

Helen, is this the first funeral you've been to since Pete, you know... Passed?

Died? Yes.

It's fine. These monogram napkins.

Wipe up your spill and remember the departed.

Why do I think of that?

I'll take a winky on the rock. Pete was never in favor of monogram.

Are you okay?

Do you need me to come?

What? No.

No, I'm fine. Really.

You just go to town.

Whiskey rock.

You know what? I'm working. Never mind.

Okay.

I'm so sorry about this. My kid really wants to go to space camp.

Although, if it were my funeral, you'd probably be doing the same thing, right?

Only a lot better because, well, you were you.

Good to talk, isn't it?

Oh, hi.

Hi, Father. Hi. Yeah, I believe that they can hear us and that they're

comforted. Did you know Charlie well?

Oh, yeah, well, you know, I could have known him better. We, um, we didn't,

um... Oh, would you excuse me? There's someone there I need to... I have to go

comfort someone. Thank you.

Mr. Wolpert?

I'm going to be direct.

This is a very sad event.

For anybody else's funeral, I would simply say I'm sorry for your loss and I

would walk away. But we both know that Charlie Renfrew was a workhorse, right?

So I want you to consider this my homage to him. My name is Alex Taylor. I very

much would like to put on those workhorse shoes. Or nail them on, I

they're horseshoes. But whatever they are, human shoes, horseshoes, the point

that they're workshoes. And I would like to wear them.

For you.

What are you talking about?

Public relations.

Shell Dayton.

Alex Taylor.

Where do you think we go when we die?

Well, I can't speak for Charlie, but I shall be in a cryogenic storage unit in

Scottsdale, Arizona until you bastards are gone, then I'll be back to hit on

your daughters.

This death stuff is really freaking me out. Well, I'm all right with it,

actually. It doesn't freak you out? No. A couple of years ago, I had a threesome

with Dutch twins atop Kilimanjaro.

What was that like?

Mountains overrated. The Dutch are not.

The point is, it was the last item on my bucket list, and I've now done

everything that I wanted to do in life.

What is the fear of death, but the fear of not having truly lived?

Just cross a few items off your bucket list, and this won't seem so bad.

I've crossed off a bunch of items.

I installed a water feature, I closed the bar at Chili's, saw Third Eye Blind

the county fair.

Fascinating. Your bucket list makes me want to die.

Let's try dreaming a little bigger, shall we?

You like the blazers? You just tell me where you want to sit. I will lie for

you. I will kill for you. I'll give you my heart, my spleen. Just pick a body

part, sir. You want my blood? You can have all of it.

And that's my favorite parable.

Um, Mr. Roba, would you be kind enough to give me your card? You totally never

got my bubble wrap in package magazine.

I want the cover.

You got it. I promise you.

Call me.

I will.

Thank you.

Yes. Yes.

I comforted him.

I did it.

Big fish.

Thank you.

30 points.

Don't see why a bubble wrap company is worth 30 points, but whatever.

Cushioned Air Corp.

Oh, it's nine.

Nine? I went through all that for nine points?

What is wrong with you? Sorry. You just got me all flustered with your whole

fish are fired thing. Emma. Here, Meredith Banks.

Western bauxite, 15 points. Meredith Banks?

Okay. Say you like her shoes, ask her about her horse, and you can get a rise

out of her if you mention eastern bauxite.

Okay, you can do it.

Space camps, space camps. How's it going?

You know, at a funeral, barely holding it together, but, you know.

No, your score.

Oh.

16 points.

I changed my mind. I need a drink. Wine.

Enormous. You got it. And a ginger ale, please.

Regular size.

I don't usually order enormous wines.

Not a big fan of funerals.

I think it might be because it reminds me of my fiancé dying.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you.

Is that it?

Is what it?

Comforting -wise, because I thought this was, like, your guys' area of

expertise. And just you guys have, like, a big thing, like, it's all part of

God's plan kind of a deal.

One guy dropping dead somehow saves a busload of orphans.

Because that would be comforting. Yeah, I do believe that God has a plan, even

if we don't know what it is. Oh, okay.

Not doing it for you?

Don't worry about it. It's not your fault.

You know, I've suggested that he post it online, but you know how busy he can

be. Oh!

That's cute.

Well, you know, this is why they say that he works in mysterious ways.

Well, actually, most of my stuff is in a similar vein.

Yeah. Maybe we'll just leave it at sorry for your loss.

Ride a Pegasus or any other sort of winged horse. Make love to Kate

Save one galaxy from another galaxy.

Make love to Kate Middleton.

You've said that already.

I want to do it to her twice. Let me stop you there. When I said dream big, I

didn't mean dream impossible or beyond space and time. But flying an X -Wing

fighter, that's on yours. Because it's a sexual position with scissoring

lesbians. Focus on something grand and yet within your grasp.

Ziplining in Costa Rica.

With lesbians.

Close enough.

Miss Banks, if you would like... Sorry, this isn't the time or place.

Hi. Couldn't agree with you more.

How's it going?

Does Billy go into space?

Uh, maybe in, like, 2050, when we're all fleeing our dying planet on some kind

of giant space ark. If Billy doesn't go to space camp, it's all a part of God's

plan. Which, apparently, he doesn't make public.

So, could just be like, whatever.

You sure you're doing okay over there? You would tell me if you need anything,

right? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Okay, shake it off. Get back out there. Never say

die. Tell that to Charlie Renfrew. Come on.

Helen.

Hi. Edith.

What are you doing here? You're the godmother of my child. When you're in

trouble, I drop everything and come to help. I am not in trouble.

You're at a funeral.

I could tell by your voice on the phone that you're in crisis.

I am fine.

This funeral is great.

That wreath is amazing. There's a guy playing bagpipe.

They have monogrammed napkins.

Compared to this piece of funeral, it was really depressing.

Come on.

Let's talk.

These guys always look so bummed. I don't know. He probably knows what's

on in there. I hear you, man.

It's like a feeding frenzy of PR sharks in there.

We prefer the term vultures, actually.

You're in PR?

Alex Taylor.

Professional vulture.

Nice to meet you.

Right on, man.

You're the only guy I've met today that's told me the truth without trying

work some angle or bag me as a client.

I know. Listen, unfortunately for me, I could not work an angle to save my life.

So, um... Yeah.

I didn't cut credit for Henry Gill. I set lunch with him for next Friday.

Dan set dinner for Monday. I'm sorry.

I don't make the rules.

Oh, wait. I do.

Well, it's all academic anyway because our own little mercenary hat has already

got 60 points. 60 points? She's barely left the bar.

Doesn't matter, kids, because you can call me Ishmael because I just landed

whale. Spoiler alert. My book club is reading that right now. It's legit.

100 points. No one's been able to touch him. How did you do it? Just by being

me. A simple man who's recoiling at the very idea of this wretched, wretched

affair. That's an angle? Apparently it is.

Anyway, I'm a soulless vulture.

Who cares? My kid's going to space camp, eh?

Very good, Alex, my old knobber. Now, back out there you go and get me more

clients. Whether you have to lay them or flay them.

Terrible tragedy, really. I'm so, so sorry.

Yes, I understand.

I went to a funeral three months ago.

How did you get through it?

Well, I just found it very comforting to know that Pete still lives on in our

hearts and in heaven.

Really?

You think that Pete is up in the clouds in a little house made of clouds? What?

Where do you think he is?

I don't know. Gone.

I mean, he was cremated. We scattered him. He's all over the place.

Father. Yes? Father, will you help explain what we believe happens to you

you die?

Well, we believe that we go to heaven. In a cloud house?

Yes.

It's what I find comforting.

Why did you even ask? I don't know. I thought you'd say something different.

Like, use essential oils or dance like nobody's watching. No, I'm upset.

And if you really think that Pete is poof, gone, nothing, why should you even

Ruby's godmother?

Americans are such hypocrites.

All this heaven stuff, yet they cling to life like it's just another possession.

Right?

Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.

A Buddha.

I'm a Buddhist.

I'm not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen.

I'm a humorist.

Anyway, there's a Tibetan place over on Hawthorne. You ever tried it? Allen,

there you are. I was thinking I could use those Blazers tickets.

Oh, right, yeah. Can you maybe give me a call a little bit later? Call you

later? You said I could have your blood.

No,

seriously, let's just talk later.

Is this what you mean by doing anything to land a client? I'll take my bubble

business elsewhere.

Is this what you mean by the truth?

Well, no. Well, yes. Yes. It's the truth. I did say I was Vulture.

And I just didn't know that your angle was not having an angle.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait. You want the truth? Okay, here is the truth, all

right? I can't stand doing this. I hate it, but I'm a single father, and I

promised my kid that he can go to space camp.

I can't afford that unless I get my bonus. I'm not going to get my bonus

I sign big clients, and that's you.

That is why I'm here.

That is the truth.

Space camp.

It's a good one.

You disgust me.

Oh, and Woody Allen hasn't made a decent film since Interiors.

Hey, don't you have something better to do than perspire too close to me?

What was that? One thing crossed off

your list.

Two. There we go.

How's it going in there?

I hate to add to your troubles, but I think that this photo booth is broken.

Why don't you just tell me that you were completely freaking out?

I didn't want to distract you with my sob story. You were busy winning space

camp.

Oh, that's very decent of you, and you'll be happy to know that in honor of

sacrifice, I went ahead and came in dead last.

Oh, great.

That's the last time I make any sacrifices for you.

Well, you shouldn't feel so bad. I offended a priest, and I got fired from

a godmother.

Nice. Yeah. This funeral was a lot less fun than I thought it was going to be.

Anyway.

If I die, I want you to make it fun.

I want there to be karaoke, a bartender that poured a decent drink, and Javier

Bardem jumping out of a cake.

Assuming, of course, that I'm not a bailiff.

All right. You want to go continue this conversation someplace a little less

deathy?

Maybe get some pie?

Pie.

Come on. Let's get out of here.

Father. Hello.

Oh, my God, Father.

I am so sorry.

Good morning, my dear grave robbers. I know you're all eager to learn the

outcome of our little endeavor, so I will cut right to it. I'm going to be

grand richer.

I'm not going to be buying designer baby stuff.

I want you to have it. The winner, overwhelmingly, of the Renfrew Client

was... Fine. Let me send Billy to space.

Alex with 200 points.

200? The thing only went to 100.

He didn't even land the whale.

He landed something much bigger. God himself.

In the form of the Archdiocese of Portland.

Alec quite impressed the good father.

Hell, it surprisingly landed second place. Billy gets to go to space camp,

barely even compromised. Well, actually, I compromised my morals greatly.

Who came in third?

You did.

Yes, my car is filthy.

So be it.