All language subtitles for free_agents_s01e05_nice_guys_finish_at_some_point

Hi, Helen.

I hope I'm not intruding.

No, not at all.

Oh, champagne.

What are you celebrating?

Um, I won a very prestigious award.

Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt.

No, the party's over. I just, um, now
I'm watching my favorite episode of

Hoarders. You know, the one with the
heaps of dead cats?

Although I guess that's every episode of
Hoarders. Well, I'm just on my way out.

I was wondering if you wouldn't mind
signing for another package for me.

Of course.

Oh, the irony, huh?

Here I am, single woman in her 30s,
staying in all the time, and you go out

the time. You're in your 80s. It's like,
I should be you, you should be me.

I'm going to put out some hard candies.

So you'll sign for the package?

Are you getting something that's going
to make me feel lame?

Because I've got to be honest, if I'm
staying in on a Saturday night, watching

an episode of Hoarders, waiting to sign
for a package of exotic lingerie from my

80 -year -old neighbor who's going on a
hot date, I'm going to have a nervous

breakdown.

It's my kidney medicine.

Okay, great. Of course.

We are going to introduce a whole new
generation of drinkers to Sherry. Sherry

won't just be for Grandma anymore.

Well, not mine anyway. She's dead. Thank
God. The money that woman spent on

Swedish erotica.

We do recommend that you update the logo
of your trade organization, however, as

part of the general overhaul.

Advisable. Well, wonderful, Stephen.

We'll report to the rest of the Sherry
Society and look forward to seeing you

all at the launch event this weekend.

Great. Here, here. Thank you very much.

We hit the bars tonight? We gonna tear
it up?

If you consider doing market research
surveys tearing it up, then sure. No

reason two single guys can't mix
business with a little boom -boom and

-zoom, am I right?

Not usually, no.

What are you doing tonight?

What's that mean?

Casual inquiry into your evening plans?

Sorry, I'm not turning into a shut -in,
am I? I'm not gonna die alone in my

apartment with Cap beating my face.

No, no, no.

You don't have cats.

Thank you.

Hey, how's it going?

What's up?

An uncomfortably forced casual greeting.

Am I getting fired?

No. Are you? Is the job open? Am I being
considered?

No. I'm just checking in.

Hey, do you remember how you would
always invite me to go out with you and

friends? Yeah.

You were always too busy.

Yeah, that was a really busy period. But
time has passed, so I thought maybe we

could go out together sometime.

Awesome. What about tonight? My friends
and I are meeting at Pretentia. It's

ironically self -aware.

I'll be there. What time? Normal time,
like 11.

11? I know it's early, but if you get
there too late, there's a line.

Great. I can't wait.

So, on what occasion do you think you
might order a glass of sherry? I don't

know. Maybe if I was on a boat.

Okay.

Why a boat?

I don't know. Maybe sherry is all I
have.

It's a sherry boat.

I don't know why I'm giving all this
information for free.

In case you didn't catch that, that
guy's weird.

And yet he has a super hot girlfriend.

Is she, like, stored in parts in his
freezer?

What are you drinking?

What are you pouring?

Whatever you're having.

You're enjoying this banner, but I
eventually have to order, don't I? I'll

have a beer.

Okay.

On a scale of one to ten, how would you
rate the appeal of Sherry?

I'd give it, like, a three.

Oh, really? I'd give you both tens.

All right, how would you rate the appeal
of me in this shirt?

Would you like more banter with your
beer? Actually, I would love to ask you

some questions about Sherry.

Okay. All right? What is your name?

What does that have to do with Sherry?
Oh, you'll see. I'm going to tie it all

in very artfully by the end. I'm Gwen.

I'm Alec.

I'd rate you an 11, but they only let us
go to 10.

Anyways, after a year in Italy, all of
the cherub paintings started to blur

the pink stew.

So I switched my dissertation to
conceptual art. So now you're writing

some guy who just made a giant sandwich
out of lint. Actually, it's a giant

mouth out of gum.

I can't tell if you're serious or not. I
can't either.

Hey, how many did you get?

Six phone numbers, one dinner date, and
an invitation to dry hump in the alley.

25 if you meant service.

Did you really get six numbers?

How do you do that? I use a simple
mnemonic.

Alpha male.

Alpha. Always be confident.

Love yourself.

Project confidence.

Have confidence.

Always be confident.

Male. Make yourself confident. I get it,
I get it. And this works for you?

Chicks don't want a guy who's all, I
read an article in the New Yorker and it

really shed some light.

I want to hit and run due to shark
attacks.

Bam! Excuse me.

He's right. What is sexier than a shark
attack?

Everything. Is it 11 o 'clock already? I
still have three hours of work left to

do. And in other news, I'm very late.

Well, maybe I'll see you at the Sherry
launch event this weekend.

I'll be here.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Take care.

What? I hid in the wizard hut and went
to go get some snacks.

Just have Crow Jar kill the Shambling
Mountain with his trident.

Greg? Hey!

Hi.

One second.

Hey. On your way to see the Sultan, or
is it hammer time?

Yeah, well, they're comfortable, and
they let things move and breathe down

there. I don't need to know. What are
you doing? Look, a few nights a week, I

say I'm working late so I can have some
private time.

No boss, no wife, no kids. I can wear
what I want, I can eat what I want, and

play Lord Zalor.

Where are you sleeping here? I am
waiting to meet Emma and her friends at

at 11. What am I doing? I could just go
home.

No, no.

You know what I'd give? Go out. I met my
wife when I was 18.

I've never danced on a bar or done shot
races or threw up out a car window.

I mean, I have, but not the fun way. Go.

And dance and party.

Maybe experiment with another girl in
the bathroom.

Go.

Oh, we're so gray.

We laugh, we talk, we brag.

Drink some more.

How was the crowd?

Was there dancing?

Are people still crunk or is it mostly
like a rave style?

I don't know. I mostly did like a
freestyle thing. That was my style. I

an operatic version of a Lil Wayne song.
There was karaoke.

No. Morning party, buddy.

Hey. Sorry if my hey doesn't come with
an exclamation point. I'm a little

hungover. Oh, me too.

My God, your friends are such a hoot. I
cannot wait to see that band tonight

with you guys. Oh, you're coming.

I didn't know you liked Funktronica. I
will.

Once I Google what it is.

Hey.

Man, I am so hungover.

At least I won't be dying alone in my
apartment being eaten by cats.

You'll be dying drunk in an alley eaten
by cats. Congratulations on that. I

thought you'd be more excited for me.

I'm getting back out there. It's kind of
a big deal. I am. I'm sorry. It's just

you're not the only one who had a good
night. I met this unbelievable woman at

the bar.

So pretty and funny and smart. Just...

One of those instant chemistry things,
you know?

I'm sorry, is this uncomfortable? I
thought we were past the whole jealousy

thing. No, it's just that this would be
the place in a movie trailer where I

would decide not to see the movie, but
continue.

This girl Gwen and I, we just really hit
it off, you know?

Gwen? How Gwen?

We just fell into this rhythm
immediately. It's like we were finishing

other's fun bags.

Tell you about the bartender from last
night?

Banging body, right?

Totally into me. Give me your number,
I'm gonna hit that.

Oh! She thought you were nice.

Oh, look, wait.

It's not possible.

No, there's no way that Gwen preferred
Dan to me. I'm not an arrogant man, but

I'm a decent catch, right? I mean, she
gave Dan her number? Dan?

The guy has a tattoo that says Dan.

Well, she said you were nice, so maybe
you were too nice.

How's being nice a problem?

Nice is good. Nice is nice. Nice is a
kiss of death.

Nice means women will walk all over you
and not in the good way. You know, in

stilettos on your naked torso.

Let me tell you what my father told me
in a moment of lucidity. Women are like

simple village in Gaul, just waiting for
the Romans to sweep in and lay aqueduct

through their tangled fat.

What? He's saying some women want a man
who takes control.

It's true. So what are you saying? Women
prefer a man who just orders them

around? No and yes.

Unfortunately, it's impossible to
explain.

But John Cusack would explain that.

Well, look, John knows Zach.

All right, Cusack's a myth.

Trust me, I know from experience.

Dating outside a girl's window with a
boom box only results in someone

a cup of urine on you.

So, Alex, if you're not using your
testicles, why not pop them in a padded

envelope and post them to someone who
will?

Finally, Dad, how's our new Sheriff's
Society logo coming along? Shipper than

crap.

Boom, huh?

The lightning fart was my idea.

You know, like high energy, electric.

No, try again. Something a little less
goose -steppy. Fine.

Ha! I thought the little bartender
texted.

Must be the meter after her shift.

Give it up!

Unbelievable. Dude, you missed it.

Oh, yeah.

I'm texting it. It's that way. Well,
maybe they have chemistry.

No, it's not possible.

You understand? They're like argon and
venon.

Noble gases. They can't bond. Am I the
only one who took high school chemistry?

Let's see here.

Ah, last time you said you would have
sherry on a boat.

Would you care to elaborate on that?

No, your thing must be wrong.

I've never drank sherry on a boat.

Are you sure you said a boat?

Nope. Alex?

Well, hey.

How you doing? I'm just here doing a
little Sherry follow -up. Well, I'm over

there with Dan if you want to join us
when you're all finished.

Maybe like an old -timey train.

God, thank you. We're done here.

You sure I won't be intruding? No, not
at all. No, I'm glad you came by. Oh,

yeah? Yeah. Me too. I really enjoyed
talking to you the other night. Me too.

You are very cool. Oh, you too.

And that's why I want you to meet my
friend Leslie.

Hi.

Leslie.

Hi. Dude, she is hilarious.

Oh, I love the tape. It's probably the
best I ever saw.

My favorite is the Uffizi in Florence.

You know, in high school, Florence
showed me her Uffizi under the

It's a museum.

Did you know that Gwen was going for her
Ph .D. in art history?

I did not. What have you guys been
talking about? Mutual interest? Common

systems? What? Actually, Dan was telling
me about the dream he had. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. So I'm working out, but instead of
my head, it's a ham.

A ham?

And you found that to be interesting?

I don't know. Yeah. I thought I was the
ham around here.

Leslie, do that bit you do in your act.
Oh, no. No, no. She does stand -up. It's

awesome. Okay.

It's like you're sleeping on a Sunday,
and all of a sudden it's like...

my neighborhood that's exactly like this
all right gwen we're going dancing

let's go you two have fun oh and don't
get me

started about cat ducking thing no no
they they make that noise

She left with him. It makes no sense.
Ouch.

I don't care. I'm not giving up. No way.
Oh, so you're going to go mano a mano

with Dan for a girl? Yes, to restore the
cosmic order.

Leslie and Dan belong together, okay?

Gwen and I have everything in common.
You know what? That's it. No more, Mr.

Nice Guy. I don't care. I'm taking
control here. I'm going to win. I'm

be like a man winning.

Oh, hey, man.

Look, sorry we cut out on you last night
to go dancing, but I'll tell you,

though, that Gwen has boo.

So do I.

So, last night, didn't get wild? Oh, let
me tell you. You did.

There was a kamikaze shopping.

Yes. Yes. And I tried to punch a
bartender. It's fine. I gave him 50

to smash my windshield. Oh, God.

I made out with a hipster in a woolly
cap. Random stranger makeout. Always

wanted to do that. Oh, he was cute.

Wish I had gotten his name.

Oh, it's Todd.

Jenny's boyfriend.

Oh. Now, ex -boyfriend.

What a jerk.

Well, if it makes any difference, he
really was not that interesting once you

got past his body.

Super psyched about tomorrow's party,
party buddy.

Also psyched, party buddy.

Helen is psychotic. End this.

What? End what? You know, I was excited
to hang out with the only executive here

I think is cool, but she drinks too
much. She wants to stay out all night.

and she overshares. Her benign uterine
fibroid does not sparkling conversation

make. I thought you said you were having
a fun time.

She's my boss.

Well, what am I supposed to do? I don't
know. Think of something. Tell her I

have some contagious skin disease.

She'll never believe that. My skin's
flawless.

Come up with something or I tell Stephen
that you shave your back in his private

bathroom at night.

I just really feel like her job
performance is suffering. I mean,

was so tired that I started trying to
figure out how to post it.

So, I mean, maybe you could cool it with
socializing with Emma.

Uh -huh.

So she can, you know... Work more
efficiently?

Exactly.

Did Emma put you up to this?

No.

No!

Yeah.

You're a bot.

Yeah, I'm also her super fun friend.

Aren't I?

You're too fun.

There, I'm sorry.

I said it.

That means I'm not fun. No, it means
that you're so much fun, it's more than

anyone can... Fine.

She's out.

You're going to be my date for the
Sherry launch.

Shut the front door. So lace up your
shoes, get your glove, grab your ball,

get in the game. Yeah.

Bowling metaphor.

I was doing a baseball one. Yeah.

Baseball metaphor.

Emma, I can see you.

The web releases went out. The press is
here. The photographer's asking when she

can get a faux -candid shot of John
Mayer or some other famous, talentless

person drinking sherry.

Well, that's a Helen question. I don't
know.

Well, apparently Helen is too busy to
answer my question.

Jerry bombs away!

What the hell is she doing?

Overcompensating for psychological
problems.

Or she is the greatest partier of all
time. I don't know.

Well, if you'll excuse me.

This woman over there waiting to be
overwhelmed by my opposite of nightmare.

Where are you going? Going to talk to
Gwen?

No, no, no.

Wait, are you going to talk to Gwen?

Uh, maybe. Yeah, dude, no offense, but
she's not your speed. Well, how do you

know what my speed is? Maybe I'm a
Ferrari.

Maybe I'm a Learjet. Maybe I'm a
pronghorn.

It's a very fast thing to go.

Whatever. Don't you have a job to do?

Go get John Mayer a sherry gatini or a
sherry galata or whatever it is we're

doing here. Go.

No. It's a freak dance.

You need to go down like this. And then
you come up like this.

And then I go like this.

Okay. Dad, why don't we take a breather?
No. We can breathe when we're dead.

Can I get you anything?

I'll take a Scotch Rocks and your phone
number.

You want my phone number? Yes, right
here in this napkin, please.

Here's a pen.

You know what? You have a pen. Use your
own damn pen.

I'm sorry if that's not great. Actually,
no, I'm not sorry. Sorry.

Oh, I'm talking. What's over there?

It's just Dan. He hasn't said hello to
me all night.

Probably playing his little head games
with you.

I'm not into that.

Oh, I think you like head games.

I think you like tending them, don't
you?

And what else do I like?

I'll tell you what we like. We like
being told what you like by a man who

what you want and what he wants. And I
want you, Glenn, and I mean it, right

now.

Want to go make out?

Okay. Yeah.

Now? Mm -hmm.

What are you doing over here?

I'm hiding from Greg.

Last time I checked, he was dancing on
the bar in his box.

Oh, well, you might want to stay here
because the boxers have gone AWOL.

Grandma, I'm so sorry.

I now understand what it's like to be
run ragged by a needy breakfast who

finally gets a night out.

It's okay.

I mean, I'm sure I'm not always the best
companion.

Although I probably am. Look, I know we
don't have much in common, so it's fine

if you don't want to hang out. I'll be
relieved to go back to watching Warders.

Are you kidding? I love that show. Wait,
please tell me you've seen

Intervention. It's total depravity. Uh,
hello, season pass on Tivo.

Isn't that hot?

It's so hot. Yeah.

Should we move away from the garbage?

Who cares?

Seriously, maybe we should go back to my
place, huh?

Maybe we should do it right here in the
alley.

Is that what you want?

It's not what nice guys want. I know
that.

Mostly it's a garbage -related issue.

Tell me how bad I am.

Call me up.

You are what you just did.

You really are.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't think I'm
going to do that.

I mean, I would love for you to do that,
but not here like this in an alley

where we barely know each other.

What happened to I want you now? I know.
I think that was something I was crying

out, but I'm not a hump in the alley
kind of person. I'm sorry.

Oh, but I am.

Well, it must be on some level. I mean,
here we are. Because I kind of liked

you, and you were all, I want you now. I
know.

I'm sorry.

I was trying to prove that I wasn't too
nice.

Well, congratulations.

You're not nice at all.

Hey, stop.

I'm looking for you. Your friend's a
douche.

What happened?

I manipulated her, I made out with her,
and then I abruptly rejected her.

Dude, that's awesome.

No, no, really not, actually.

Man, you're too nice.

Oh, God, she kills me.

That's an actual car, you know that,
right? How does she come up with this

stuff? It's a car.

She keeps lying about her bulimia. She
is never going to get better.

Oh, another package for Mrs. Claypool.

Oh, you know that cupcake's coming back
up. And the salami.

Helen Ryan?

Yeah? We're with Customs and Border
Protection. We're investigating your

neighbor's involvement in the illegal
smuggling of pharmaceuticals from

What? That was a scam?

Apparently, you've signed for these
packages every Saturday night for the

six months. Wait a minute. That can't be
right. Every Saturday night? Well,

things are totally different now. I used
to watch Hoarders by myself. Now I

watch Intervention with my assistant.

Ah. Hurry up! Crackhead Boyfriend's
about to propose!

I've seen this one. Have you met the
toothless uncle yet?

Spoiler alert!

No.