Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:18,380 --> 00:01:19,440
Good grief.
2
00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:23,100
Boss, it's time to play You Bet My Face.
3
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,180
Try to guess who am I.
4
00:01:29,740 --> 00:01:30,740
Humphrey Bogart.
5
00:01:31,180 --> 00:01:33,500
Oh, boss, stop kidding around.
6
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:43,440
I worked months on my impression of
Groucho Marx.
7
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:46,460
You know, for the big amateur show?
8
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:49,200
No. Don't you think it's too much?
9
00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:50,680
Definitely.
10
00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:52,200
Shall we greet our guests?
11
00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:29,640
Smiles, everyone.
12
00:02:30,140 --> 00:02:31,140
Smiles.
13
00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:38,980
Boss, look.
14
00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:41,800
It's Danny Baker, the famous comedian.
15
00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:43,400
He breaks me up.
16
00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:48,520
As a matter of fact, Mr. Baker is here
for the holiday and also to be the
17
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:51,920
of ceremonies for the big Fantasy Island
amateur night show.
18
00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:54,740
Does he have a fantasy?
19
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,480
No. But the young man with him does.
20
00:02:58,060 --> 00:03:02,360
He is Mr. Jerry Burton, and for the past
eight years, he's been Mr. Baker's
21
00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:08,640
writer. Wow, what a terrific job.
Perhaps, but it's a long way from the
22
00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:10,660
excitement and warmth of the spotlight.
23
00:03:11,340 --> 00:03:16,360
Mr. Burton wants to step out of oblivion
and into the center of the stage, where
24
00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:21,000
he can fulfill his fantasy to be what
his employer is, a star comic.
25
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:24,640
Boss, I don't think even you can help
him.
26
00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,520
Mr. Burton looks like a king -sized
nothing.
27
00:03:33,900 --> 00:03:35,540
Miss Linda Larson.
28
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,600
She looks like a lady who can handle her
own fantasy.
29
00:03:39,180 --> 00:03:40,520
Does she really need us?
30
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:45,060
She didn't come for herself, Tattoo.
She's here to help her sister, Sandy.
31
00:03:45,980 --> 00:03:50,060
Sandy was well on her way to become a
top fashion model until she was injured
32
00:03:50,060 --> 00:03:52,180
an automobile accident five years ago.
33
00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:53,560
That's very sad.
34
00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:55,180
Yes, it is, Tattoo.
35
00:03:55,770 --> 00:03:59,170
Her desire to live seemed paralyzed
along with her legs.
36
00:03:59,370 --> 00:04:03,870
Until a year ago, when she began a pen
pal relationship with a man in prison.
37
00:04:04,010 --> 00:04:09,030
His letters seemed to fill her with
happiness and a desire to live and get
38
00:04:09,470 --> 00:04:10,870
What did the letters say?
39
00:04:11,190 --> 00:04:12,930
She never shared the contents, the
truth.
40
00:04:13,310 --> 00:04:15,410
She never told her pen pal she was
crippled.
41
00:04:15,610 --> 00:04:19,870
Then, three months ago, his letters
stopped coming for some reason. And
42
00:04:19,870 --> 00:04:20,870
been depressed ever since.
43
00:04:21,290 --> 00:04:23,290
And that's why your sister brought her
here?
44
00:04:23,590 --> 00:04:24,730
To cheer her up?
45
00:04:25,020 --> 00:04:26,020
Much more than that, Tattoo.
46
00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:30,680
Sandy doesn't know it yet, but she's
here to finally meet her pen pal, Mr.
47
00:04:30,740 --> 00:04:31,800
Michael Banning.
48
00:04:32,020 --> 00:04:34,480
But, boss, you said he was in prison.
49
00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:36,920
Unfortunately, yes. Maximum security.
50
00:04:37,580 --> 00:04:42,260
And at this moment, he's being flown
from a military prison in Japan to
51
00:04:42,260 --> 00:04:44,000
Leavenworth Prison in Kansas.
52
00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:47,620
But, boss, how are you going to bring
them together?
53
00:04:52,580 --> 00:04:53,580
My dear guests.
54
00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:55,640
I am Mr. Rock, your host.
55
00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:57,960
Welcome to Fantasy Island.
56
00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:26,090
And, uh... This is where we'll hold the
amateur night show, Mr. Baker.
57
00:05:26,470 --> 00:05:29,630
I think you'll find our stage rather
well -equipped.
58
00:05:30,850 --> 00:05:33,890
Yeah, everything looks okay, but I'm
going to fix it up a little. You don't
59
00:05:33,890 --> 00:05:36,670
mind? Put some more speakers in the back
of the house, will you? I want to make
60
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:39,570
sure they hear me. And get some lights
up front. Look how dark it is.
61
00:05:40,210 --> 00:05:41,770
What's with the schmuck to hang in here?
62
00:05:41,970 --> 00:05:43,530
It's going to block about four tables.
63
00:05:44,030 --> 00:05:48,050
Let's hear it for another great
impression from the wonderful tattoo.
64
00:05:51,690 --> 00:05:53,230
Good evening, music lovers.
65
00:05:53,990 --> 00:05:59,350
Tonight I would like to play for you,
for my first selection, one of my all
66
00:05:59,350 --> 00:06:02,950
-time favorites, the Beer Barrel Polka.
67
00:06:36,170 --> 00:06:37,109
Hey, that's great.
68
00:06:37,110 --> 00:06:40,850
Put a couple of lines about the shrimp
in my act, huh? See you later. Bye,
69
00:06:40,870 --> 00:06:41,870
Roark.
70
00:06:44,350 --> 00:06:45,490
Uh, Tattoo?
71
00:06:49,430 --> 00:06:50,430
Tattoo?
72
00:06:50,610 --> 00:06:51,610
Yes, boss?
73
00:06:51,910 --> 00:06:53,910
I think that is sufficient.
74
00:06:54,210 --> 00:06:55,370
Thank you so much.
75
00:06:56,090 --> 00:06:57,610
It needs a lot of work, huh?
76
00:06:58,030 --> 00:06:59,290
Uh, well...
77
00:07:06,410 --> 00:07:07,950
Mr. Burton, why don't you have a seat?
78
00:07:08,370 --> 00:07:09,590
Oh, thank you.
79
00:07:12,250 --> 00:07:16,410
Danny Baker relies heavily on you,
doesn't he?
80
00:07:17,490 --> 00:07:21,450
But I must say, he didn't seem
unappreciative. No, not really, despite
81
00:07:21,450 --> 00:07:22,450
abrupt behavior.
82
00:07:23,130 --> 00:07:27,050
Are you sure you want to quit your job
and become a stand -up comedian
83
00:07:27,730 --> 00:07:29,170
Sure than ever, Mr. Rourke.
84
00:07:29,570 --> 00:07:33,250
You see, Danny's planning to fire me
next month when my contract runs out.
85
00:07:33,550 --> 00:07:37,250
Why should he want to fire you after,
what is it now, eight years? Eight
86
00:07:37,250 --> 00:07:39,310
successful years together?
87
00:07:39,850 --> 00:07:44,030
Maybe because Danny's a comic and comics
always resent their writers.
88
00:07:44,530 --> 00:07:46,670
You see, they think it's them that's
funny, not the material.
89
00:07:47,410 --> 00:07:50,810
But whatever the reason, my time's
running out and I need that fantasy
90
00:07:51,330 --> 00:07:54,070
I see. Now, would tomorrow night be
quick enough for you?
91
00:07:54,370 --> 00:07:55,349
Tomorrow night?
92
00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:57,190
You got me a date that quick?
93
00:07:58,170 --> 00:08:00,450
Oh, that's great, Mr. Roar.
94
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:03,800
Yes, your first engagement as a stand
-up comedian.
95
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:05,160
Yes.
96
00:08:05,260 --> 00:08:09,080
I've arranged for you to be the opening
act at a small nightclub on the north
97
00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:10,080
side of the island.
98
00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:18,220
It's a bar, actually, called the Bucket
of Suds.
99
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:23,680
Its clientele consists mostly of workers
from the pineapple plantation and off
100
00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:24,680
-duty sailors.
101
00:08:24,860 --> 00:08:27,720
Heavy drinkers, but good laughers.
102
00:08:28,460 --> 00:08:29,840
Mr. Rourke, I'll take it.
103
00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,220
And you don't know how grateful I am.
104
00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:35,159
Fine. Then I'll tell them to expect you,
huh?
105
00:08:35,419 --> 00:08:36,419
Great.
106
00:08:36,799 --> 00:08:42,179
Oh, if you'll excuse me, I got about
nine pounds of jokes to write for Danny.
107
00:08:43,039 --> 00:08:44,480
At least I can leave him laughing.
108
00:08:45,260 --> 00:08:46,260
Thank you.
109
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,840
Mr. Rourke, your island is the most
beautiful place I've ever seen.
110
00:09:04,060 --> 00:09:05,060
I am delighted.
111
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:10,540
Okay. Now do I find out why you brought
me here, Linda? To cheer you up.
112
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,140
We're quite good at it, if you'll give
us the chance.
113
00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:16,620
I'm sure you do, Mr. Rourke.
114
00:09:17,660 --> 00:09:19,600
I just wish I could cheer up.
115
00:09:19,940 --> 00:09:23,440
But I keep thinking of all the things I
can't do anymore.
116
00:09:31,210 --> 00:09:36,230
Your sister's morale does seem very low,
Miss Larson. I told you, Mr. Rourke.
117
00:09:36,430 --> 00:09:40,470
She's been like that since Mike
Banning's letters stopped coming. I
118
00:09:40,470 --> 00:09:45,650
telling you I'm very skeptical. I mean,
how can you possibly get Mike Banning
119
00:09:45,650 --> 00:09:47,190
out of prison and on this island?
120
00:09:47,530 --> 00:09:50,270
You must have faith, Miss Larson.
121
00:09:51,690 --> 00:09:53,090
This is Fantasy Island.
122
00:09:53,430 --> 00:09:54,430
Mayday, mayday.
123
00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:58,030
Pilot to tower. This is airport zebra
whiskey zulu 2515.
124
00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:04,870
What's going on? What's happening?
125
00:10:05,410 --> 00:10:07,270
Lots of oil pressure in the starboard
engine.
126
00:10:07,670 --> 00:10:09,350
Fuel pump's going on the port side.
127
00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:11,170
We're gonna have to set her down in the
ocean.
128
00:10:11,390 --> 00:10:12,770
I'm gonna crash. Get me out of these.
129
00:10:13,270 --> 00:10:14,430
Mayday! Mayday!
130
00:10:14,690 --> 00:10:19,850
This is Air Force Zebra Whiskey Zulu
2515 calling anyone.
131
00:10:20,170 --> 00:10:21,210
Can you read us?
132
00:10:21,470 --> 00:10:23,770
Pilot to tower. Mayday! Mayday!
133
00:10:24,550 --> 00:10:29,050
Air Force Zebra Whiskey Zulu 2515. This
is Fantasy Island.
134
00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:34,140
You are approximately 40 miles northwest
of us on a bearing of 320 degrees.
135
00:10:34,380 --> 00:10:37,680
We have an emergency landing strip on
the south end of the island.
136
00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:39,880
Please alter your heading to 160.
137
00:10:40,260 --> 00:10:42,060
I repeat, 160.
138
00:11:08,490 --> 00:11:11,910
10 knot crosswind out of the east. We're
now turning on final approach.
139
00:11:12,170 --> 00:11:13,370
Wheels down and locked.
140
00:11:13,830 --> 00:11:16,010
Zebra, Whiskey, Zulu, you're coming in
too hot.
141
00:11:16,330 --> 00:11:17,069
Throttle back.
142
00:11:17,070 --> 00:11:18,070
Throttle back.
143
00:12:07,629 --> 00:12:10,790
Gentlemen, I am Mr. Roark. Welcome to
Fantasy Island.
144
00:12:11,030 --> 00:12:12,030
Well, thank you, sir.
145
00:12:12,730 --> 00:12:15,710
My name's Victor Grennan. I'm a federal
marshal. This is my prisoner.
146
00:12:16,030 --> 00:12:18,650
You got someplace I can lock him up
while they're getting the plane fixed?
147
00:12:19,570 --> 00:12:21,350
Does your prisoner have a name?
148
00:12:21,910 --> 00:12:24,390
Yeah. Mike Banning, Mr. Roark.
149
00:12:26,750 --> 00:12:29,350
Like I was saying, where can I lock him
up?
150
00:12:29,650 --> 00:12:32,110
Nowhere, Marshal, uh... Grennan.
151
00:12:32,790 --> 00:12:35,930
Marshal Grennan. I'm afraid not only can
you not lock him up...
152
00:12:36,190 --> 00:12:38,110
I'll have to ask you to remove the
restraining belt.
153
00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:42,430
Oh, but you have nothing to worry about.
There is no escape from the island.
154
00:12:42,750 --> 00:12:45,750
Look, he's my prisoner, and I'll chain
him to the plane if I have to.
155
00:12:46,790 --> 00:12:51,010
Please, Marshal Grennan, this is my
island.
156
00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:53,070
I am the law here.
157
00:12:53,570 --> 00:12:54,890
The only law.
158
00:13:00,490 --> 00:13:01,730
You listen to me, punk.
159
00:13:02,730 --> 00:13:05,790
I have never lost a prisoner, and you're
not going to be number one.
160
00:13:07,670 --> 00:13:10,890
Try getting off this island, you're
going to get yourself killed.
161
00:13:20,790 --> 00:13:25,650
When you hear the chance to change,
there's someone on the island you might
162
00:13:25,650 --> 00:13:26,650
to see.
163
00:13:26,850 --> 00:13:28,630
I don't think I know anybody on this
island.
164
00:13:29,810 --> 00:13:31,770
I'm referring to Miss Sandy Larson.
165
00:13:36,580 --> 00:13:38,360
Your pen pal, you remember?
166
00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:43,100
Yeah.
167
00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:46,780
Is she here?
168
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:53,080
Sandy.
169
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,960
Yes, she's here. On a little vacation.
170
00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:02,740
I'd prefer not to see her.
171
00:14:03,220 --> 00:14:05,440
Well, that's surprising, since the two
of you...
172
00:14:05,900 --> 00:14:08,220
Have corresponded for over a year and
haven't met.
173
00:14:08,580 --> 00:14:13,080
Yeah, well, it was all right for a
while, but I had my reasons, and I don't
174
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,080
them anymore.
175
00:14:14,740 --> 00:14:17,620
I think you know how that is.
176
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:18,960
No, I don't.
177
00:14:20,780 --> 00:14:22,100
Perhaps you should tell me.
178
00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:25,140
Well, in prison, they take away all your
privacies.
179
00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:28,900
They search you down to your underwear.
They go through all your mail, incoming
180
00:14:28,900 --> 00:14:29,900
and outgoing.
181
00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:34,660
And in the outgoing, I'd slide in all
those little niceties and live good.
182
00:14:35,070 --> 00:14:37,570
Do good, be good. To impress the board.
183
00:14:37,830 --> 00:14:38,449
I see.
184
00:14:38,450 --> 00:14:40,830
I was up before the board about three
months ago.
185
00:14:41,530 --> 00:14:45,390
As you can see, they're not exactly
taking me to the Mardi Gras.
186
00:14:45,950 --> 00:14:46,950
No, they're not.
187
00:14:47,790 --> 00:14:52,550
I see. Then her letters meant nothing at
all to you.
188
00:14:52,830 --> 00:14:53,850
Well, some, yeah.
189
00:14:54,090 --> 00:15:00,490
She's good people. It's just that... I
think you should see Miss Larson anyway.
190
00:15:01,230 --> 00:15:02,129
Oh, really?
191
00:15:02,130 --> 00:15:03,130
Really.
192
00:15:03,590 --> 00:15:04,590
If not...
193
00:15:05,870 --> 00:15:12,590
A fuel pump to fix your airplane's
engine might conveniently be
194
00:15:12,590 --> 00:15:14,050
found in the next few minutes.
195
00:15:16,010 --> 00:15:18,090
That's how it goes, huh? That's how it
goes.
196
00:15:20,950 --> 00:15:21,950
Agreed?
197
00:15:22,350 --> 00:15:23,590
Looks like I have no choice.
198
00:15:44,140 --> 00:15:45,380
Where would you like your sandwiches,
sir?
199
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:52,340
One thing about Mr. Rourke.
200
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:54,540
He has a great man at his side.
201
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:59,040
Tattoo. Tattoo has to be at his side
because if he stood in front of him,
202
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,040
talk into his knee.
203
00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:02,720
Talk into his knee. That's terrific.
204
00:16:03,260 --> 00:16:04,219
Oh, thank you.
205
00:16:04,220 --> 00:16:06,260
Hey! I never touched you.
206
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:07,660
Jerome Bertinowski.
207
00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:08,900
What?
208
00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:11,380
Jerome Bertinowski, Miss Henning's
French class.
209
00:16:12,390 --> 00:16:13,610
Erasmus Dinowitz High?
210
00:16:14,650 --> 00:16:15,650
It's me.
211
00:16:15,910 --> 00:16:17,730
Mary Margaret Doyle.
212
00:16:18,430 --> 00:16:19,430
Say, too?
213
00:16:19,670 --> 00:16:20,670
Very more?
214
00:16:20,950 --> 00:16:23,970
Is it really you, Mademoiselle Doyle?
215
00:16:24,210 --> 00:16:25,430
It's me. Oh,
216
00:16:26,790 --> 00:16:30,570
but I can't believe it's you. You look
so distinguished.
217
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:33,010
Oh, merci beaucoup.
218
00:16:33,270 --> 00:16:37,090
I mean, back in high school, you were
always so shy and everything.
219
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:41,780
It's a year. You're always hunched over
with your face in that book bag.
220
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,680
Well, that's because I was very
sensitive about my braces.
221
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:49,400
I had so much wire in my mouth, I
couldn't even talk during an electrical
222
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:53,620
That's right. They used to call you a...
A metal mouth. A metal mouth. Right.
223
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:55,760
Oh.
224
00:16:56,420 --> 00:16:57,680
And remember what they called me?
225
00:16:57,920 --> 00:16:58,920
Skinny. Skinny.
226
00:17:00,740 --> 00:17:05,000
Skinny, skinny Mary Doyle has a bill
like olive oil.
227
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:10,040
I filled out.
228
00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:12,560
Mary,
229
00:17:12,819 --> 00:17:19,800
if I knew you were going to turn out so
great, I probably would
230
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:21,700
have taken my head out of my book bag a
little early.
231
00:17:22,980 --> 00:17:23,980
Sit down, please.
232
00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:29,960
Gosh. I always thought you were so
funny.
233
00:17:31,620 --> 00:17:34,560
You must feel real proud about writing
for a big star like Danny Baker.
234
00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:35,880
You know what I do?
235
00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:36,900
Are you kidding?
236
00:17:38,030 --> 00:17:40,850
I mean, you always said you were going
to write Broadway plays, and I guess
237
00:17:40,850 --> 00:17:41,829
you've even done that.
238
00:17:41,830 --> 00:17:42,830
Not yet.
239
00:17:45,930 --> 00:17:47,550
Mary, I'm going to stop writing for
Danny.
240
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:51,350
I'm going to be a stand -up comic on my
own. No more Invisible Man.
241
00:17:51,650 --> 00:17:52,650
Well, that's terrific.
242
00:17:53,250 --> 00:17:55,910
I mean, if that's what you want to do,
I'm sure you're going to make it.
243
00:17:56,410 --> 00:17:58,570
You always were talented and a hard
worker.
244
00:17:59,910 --> 00:18:01,390
Could I come watch your act?
245
00:18:01,990 --> 00:18:03,110
I'd laugh like anything.
246
00:18:03,410 --> 00:18:04,650
Yeah, sure, of course.
247
00:18:08,430 --> 00:18:11,690
Golly, but right now I've got to deliver
these jokes to Danny.
248
00:18:14,230 --> 00:18:17,570
But listen, we'll talk about this later,
okay?
249
00:18:18,070 --> 00:18:19,070
Okay.
250
00:18:19,290 --> 00:18:21,310
Wonderful to see you again, Mary
Margaret.
251
00:18:25,550 --> 00:18:26,550
Au revoir.
252
00:18:27,610 --> 00:18:28,610
Au revoir.
253
00:18:59,310 --> 00:19:00,310
Oh, Sandy.
254
00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:02,390
Mike.
255
00:19:02,770 --> 00:19:03,890
There you are in the flesh.
256
00:19:05,450 --> 00:19:07,550
You're taller than I thought you'd be.
257
00:19:07,930 --> 00:19:08,930
Oh, yeah.
258
00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:11,890
When I told you how tall I was in one of
those letters, you remember?
259
00:19:12,630 --> 00:19:14,110
That's right. I remember now.
260
00:19:14,470 --> 00:19:15,470
Yeah.
261
00:19:15,710 --> 00:19:17,150
You're prettier than I thought you'd be.
262
00:19:17,810 --> 00:19:18,970
Oh, well, thank you.
263
00:19:21,890 --> 00:19:23,950
Are you finished dating?
264
00:19:25,470 --> 00:19:26,470
Look it down.
265
00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:29,040
Take a walk if you want. Talk someplace
in private.
266
00:19:29,580 --> 00:19:30,580
No.
267
00:19:30,820 --> 00:19:32,200
No, this is fine.
268
00:19:41,460 --> 00:19:43,640
I thought the two of you might want to
move around.
269
00:19:45,420 --> 00:19:47,720
Mr. Rourke, how could you?
270
00:19:50,100 --> 00:19:52,180
It doesn't make any difference, Mr.
Banning.
271
00:19:57,159 --> 00:19:59,100
No. Well, then why don't you help the
lady?
272
00:19:59,580 --> 00:20:00,640
I don't need any help.
273
00:20:11,380 --> 00:20:13,040
I don't want to go back to my bungalow.
274
00:20:13,540 --> 00:20:16,220
Oh, I suggest that our lagoon is much
prettier.
275
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:20,520
Why don't you take Miss Larson there?
It's okay. I don't want to go. I think
276
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:21,860
should, Miss Larson.
277
00:20:22,580 --> 00:20:23,660
I don't need any help.
278
00:20:24,110 --> 00:20:27,250
I wasn't going to help. I was just going
to put my hands on the handles so it
279
00:20:27,250 --> 00:20:28,250
looked like I was helping.
280
00:20:40,850 --> 00:20:43,990
And there you are, my dear. It'll be $1
.80.
281
00:20:45,070 --> 00:20:47,390
Oh, you... You look gorgeous, honey.
282
00:20:47,610 --> 00:20:50,570
That's a terrific suitless bathing strap
you almost have on.
283
00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:53,850
You better hide in the woods before the
border health closes your body.
284
00:20:54,350 --> 00:20:56,010
There you go.
285
00:20:56,390 --> 00:20:58,390
Hey, isn't this fun, playing in the
woods?
286
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:00,850
Oh, Mr. Rourke.
287
00:21:01,210 --> 00:21:02,870
Tattoo. Glad you're here to see this.
288
00:21:03,430 --> 00:21:08,390
After I deliver these, I'm free. It's
Arrivederci, Danny. Hello, my new
289
00:21:08,790 --> 00:21:11,650
Unfortunately, Mr. Burton, there is a
slight problem.
290
00:21:12,250 --> 00:21:13,250
Problem?
291
00:21:14,860 --> 00:21:20,320
Apparently, the reputation of the bucket
of suds wasn't as unjust as the
292
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:21,320
proprietor claimed.
293
00:21:21,580 --> 00:21:24,240
It seems they had a brawl there a few
hours ago.
294
00:21:24,460 --> 00:21:29,380
Now, the proprietor apologized
profoundly and requested a 30 -day delay
295
00:21:29,380 --> 00:21:33,360
opening. Apparently, that's the sentence
he'll receive for assault with intent
296
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,160
to commit great bodily harm.
297
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:37,660
Naturally, I told him to forget the
whole thing.
298
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:43,140
But, Mr. Rourke, what am I going to do
now? I mean, you promised me my fantasy.
299
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:48,260
And you shall have it, Mr. Burton. You
shall have it. I have booked you as part
300
00:21:48,260 --> 00:21:49,880
of the amateur show tomorrow night.
301
00:21:50,300 --> 00:21:55,020
You will be seen not only by the
audience, but by several booking agents
302
00:21:55,020 --> 00:21:56,020
have promised to attend.
303
00:21:56,260 --> 00:21:57,260
That's terrible.
304
00:21:57,420 --> 00:21:58,319
I beg your pardon?
305
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:02,660
Mr. Rourke, Danny is the emcee of that
thing. When he sees me up there, he'll
306
00:22:02,660 --> 00:22:06,620
slice me to ribbons. Believe me, he has
a master at that. I have seen him tear
307
00:22:06,620 --> 00:22:07,620
comics apart.
308
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:11,180
I wouldn't stand a chance against him.
309
00:22:12,260 --> 00:22:14,600
It's just... Too good at putting people
down.
310
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:16,180
Does that mean you are refusing?
311
00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:21,440
If you'll excuse me, I better get these
jokes to him.
312
00:22:24,460 --> 00:22:26,100
Boss, what's wrong with him?
313
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:29,140
I thought his fantasy was to become a
comic like Danny Baker.
314
00:22:29,500 --> 00:22:33,900
It takes more than desire to fulfill any
fantasy, my friend. The element of
315
00:22:33,900 --> 00:22:37,420
courage is indispensable to the
realization of any dream.
316
00:22:37,700 --> 00:22:40,380
Folks, folks, if I can have your
attention, please, everybody.
317
00:22:40,740 --> 00:22:41,980
Please, attention, everybody.
318
00:22:42,820 --> 00:22:46,600
As you know, tomorrow night is our big
amateur talent show.
319
00:22:46,820 --> 00:22:50,800
And I want you all to be there. Because
I'm going to be there, and I hate to
320
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:51,800
work alone.
321
00:22:52,180 --> 00:22:55,860
And just to give you a sample of the fun
we're going to have tomorrow night, I'd
322
00:22:55,860 --> 00:22:58,120
like to read you some of my latest ad
libs.
323
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:03,180
Oh, but first, hey, let's have a big
hand for our Mr. Rourke, huh?
324
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,540
And how about a pinky for tattoo?
325
00:23:11,500 --> 00:23:15,260
Oh, that too, too. He really is
something else, let me tell you. You
326
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:18,700
Rourke wanted to give him his fantasy,
but it was a little hard to shrink down
327
00:23:18,700 --> 00:23:19,700
Raquel Welch.
328
00:23:21,420 --> 00:23:25,240
Then he tried dehydrating Dolly Parton,
but that was a bust, too.
329
00:23:27,460 --> 00:23:29,300
A bust, you know, a bust.
330
00:23:42,510 --> 00:23:48,150
Since you didn't know about this thing,
why'd you stop writing?
331
00:23:49,670 --> 00:23:50,910
Well, Renna, things are the same.
332
00:23:51,690 --> 00:23:52,850
I don't believe you.
333
00:23:54,590 --> 00:23:55,910
We were at it for a year.
334
00:23:57,130 --> 00:23:58,530
I got bored, you know.
335
00:23:59,630 --> 00:24:01,190
Bored of my mother for as a year old.
336
00:24:02,430 --> 00:24:04,510
Your letters didn't sound like you were
bored.
337
00:24:04,950 --> 00:24:07,890
You know, if I wanted to, I could
probably sell a wristwatch to anybody
338
00:24:07,890 --> 00:24:08,890
nothing on the inside.
339
00:24:09,550 --> 00:24:11,050
Your letters had insides.
340
00:24:11,630 --> 00:24:14,590
They weren't the letters of a game
player. They were filled with feeling.
341
00:24:15,250 --> 00:24:21,010
But sharing a few fantasies with you
about our making love is...
342
00:24:21,010 --> 00:24:27,870
Well, it's not very hard to do for a
343
00:24:27,870 --> 00:24:29,630
guy that's locked up.
344
00:24:30,350 --> 00:24:33,150
I don't care what anybody thinks. All I
care about is getting out of prison.
345
00:24:33,990 --> 00:24:35,410
You know what's really sad?
346
00:24:36,770 --> 00:24:39,010
Here we are in person for the first
time.
347
00:24:39,740 --> 00:24:42,040
All we can do is argue over what was.
348
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:49,060
I guess I don't know why you wrote what
you wrote, but I do know what your
349
00:24:49,060 --> 00:24:50,060
letters meant to me.
350
00:25:14,090 --> 00:25:18,350
Come on, get out of my way, short
stroke. I got to see that boss of yours.
351
00:25:22,770 --> 00:25:25,490
And what is the meaning of this,
Marshal?
352
00:25:25,950 --> 00:25:27,170
Everything's under control, huh?
353
00:25:27,770 --> 00:25:29,170
Nothing to worry about, right?
354
00:25:29,750 --> 00:25:32,050
Well, that's what you said, wasn't it,
Mr. Big Shot?
355
00:25:34,250 --> 00:25:35,250
Approximately, yes.
356
00:25:37,350 --> 00:25:40,410
Well, then suppose you tell me where my
prisoner is.
357
00:25:41,260 --> 00:25:44,340
I saw him with that crippled girl and
now he's disappeared.
358
00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:51,400
But like I told you, he can't get off
the island.
359
00:25:52,340 --> 00:25:57,040
Well, now I'm telling you, he's
attempting escape and that's going to
360
00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:58,040
killed.
361
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:09,560
Speaking of drunks.
362
00:26:10,190 --> 00:26:12,930
What about the drunk that put a dime in
the parking meter and said, Hey, what do
363
00:26:12,930 --> 00:26:13,930
you know? I weigh an hour.
364
00:26:14,010 --> 00:26:15,010
Hey!
365
00:26:16,850 --> 00:26:19,610
Oh, come on. How about a game of one -on
-one? Oh, no.
366
00:26:19,970 --> 00:26:21,510
No, no. First rule of basketball.
367
00:26:21,990 --> 00:26:25,690
Never play with a girl taller than
yourself. It's my ball. I'm going to
368
00:26:25,690 --> 00:26:26,690
and go.
369
00:26:26,870 --> 00:26:27,870
Sorry.
370
00:26:30,450 --> 00:26:36,830
I heard today that you turned down a
performance that Mr. Rupp set up for
371
00:26:38,990 --> 00:26:41,730
I didn't know I was important enough to
make the local gossip.
372
00:26:42,670 --> 00:26:47,870
Well, actually, nobody's talking about
it. I just happened to ask Tattoo what
373
00:26:47,870 --> 00:26:49,390
was going on with your new career.
374
00:26:50,670 --> 00:26:51,730
Why do you want to know?
375
00:26:53,670 --> 00:26:55,510
Because... Because why?
376
00:27:01,070 --> 00:27:04,570
Because I like you, Jerome Bertanowski,
and...
377
00:27:05,450 --> 00:27:09,030
And I remember how when you were a
little kid, you were always kind of shy
378
00:27:09,030 --> 00:27:11,250
afraid. But it never stopped you.
379
00:27:12,070 --> 00:27:14,830
Not even when that big bully dared you
to fight him. Remember?
380
00:27:17,210 --> 00:27:18,650
Maniac Malone. Right.
381
00:27:18,890 --> 00:27:20,870
Right. Was he mean.
382
00:27:21,490 --> 00:27:23,290
He used to go around biting dogs.
383
00:27:24,370 --> 00:27:27,930
Yeah, and you showed up in this huge
pair of pants pulled up around your chin
384
00:27:27,930 --> 00:27:31,610
and you said, no hitting below the belt.
385
00:27:39,500 --> 00:27:40,500
So what's really the matter?
386
00:27:40,780 --> 00:27:41,940
Why won't you do it?
387
00:27:43,180 --> 00:27:44,180
I'm scared stiff.
388
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:45,959
Of Danny.
389
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:48,560
I know what he could do to me. Why put
myself through it?
390
00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:50,640
Oh, I see.
391
00:27:50,860 --> 00:27:52,120
So you have changed then.
392
00:27:53,740 --> 00:27:56,360
When you were a kid, you would at least
show up to face the bully. You won't
393
00:27:56,360 --> 00:27:57,420
even do that now, will you?
394
00:27:57,640 --> 00:27:58,680
Will you stop it already?
395
00:27:59,300 --> 00:28:01,160
He'd make a fool out of me in front of
everybody.
396
00:28:01,860 --> 00:28:02,860
Not everybody.
397
00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:08,180
I wouldn't think of you as a fool no
matter what happened or how it turned
398
00:28:11,210 --> 00:28:13,590
In fact, I'd be very proud of you.
399
00:28:16,190 --> 00:28:18,310
Suppose nobody laughed at my material.
400
00:28:19,670 --> 00:28:20,690
I'll laugh.
401
00:28:22,170 --> 00:28:27,110
Because I happen to think you're the
funniest person in the whole wide world.
402
00:28:33,650 --> 00:28:35,750
And an excellent basketball player.
403
00:28:45,770 --> 00:28:47,590
You kiss much better without braces.
404
00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:21,620
I told you you was going to get yourself
killed.
405
00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:40,840
Marshal Grennan!
406
00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:45,920
As I warned you, you have no
jurisdiction on this island. You pull
407
00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:46,920
and it's murder.
408
00:29:47,460 --> 00:29:50,000
You will be treated and tried like a
common criminal.
409
00:29:50,340 --> 00:29:53,320
Now, guys all over the world in prisons
like to see you again, eh?
410
00:29:57,760 --> 00:29:59,720
I suggest you go back to your quarters.
411
00:30:07,480 --> 00:30:09,060
You can ride with me, Mr. Banning.
412
00:30:13,100 --> 00:30:14,100
Thanks, I owe you one.
413
00:30:15,690 --> 00:30:18,470
I believe you left Miss Larson in the
middle of a conversation.
414
00:30:18,990 --> 00:30:21,270
Perhaps you should explain to her why
you stopped writing.
415
00:30:27,070 --> 00:30:29,070
It's terrible. You had better do
something quick.
416
00:30:29,330 --> 00:30:30,650
About what, Tommy? What happened?
417
00:30:31,050 --> 00:30:35,030
We were on a boat ride with Danny Baker,
and the engine conked out. We swam
418
00:30:35,030 --> 00:30:37,370
ashore, but Danny can't swim, and he
stuck out in the bay.
419
00:30:37,670 --> 00:30:40,170
But he's got a show to do tonight. No
way.
420
00:30:42,650 --> 00:30:44,210
Well, there is only one answer.
421
00:30:44,570 --> 00:30:48,710
Instead of just a guest appearance, you
will have to go on in Mr. Baker's place
422
00:30:48,710 --> 00:30:49,710
as MC tonight.
423
00:30:50,270 --> 00:30:51,710
Me? Yes.
424
00:30:52,530 --> 00:30:53,530
Tonight?
425
00:30:53,770 --> 00:30:55,770
Yes. I can't do that.
426
00:30:56,110 --> 00:30:59,190
Oh, well, of course you can. You can use
the material that you wrote for Danny.
427
00:31:00,130 --> 00:31:03,610
Certainly. I will make an announcement
and then call you at the proper moment.
428
00:31:04,350 --> 00:31:06,550
Mr. Oh, and Mr.
429
00:31:07,030 --> 00:31:09,550
Burton, break a leg.
430
00:31:12,959 --> 00:31:13,939
Break a leg?
431
00:31:13,940 --> 00:31:16,660
Yeah, that means good luck in show
business.
432
00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:18,660
And boy, am I going to need it.
433
00:31:31,620 --> 00:31:32,680
What brings you back?
434
00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:34,940
Well, I got caught.
435
00:31:35,520 --> 00:31:37,500
I thought you had a right to know the
truth.
436
00:31:38,460 --> 00:31:39,460
It doesn't matter.
437
00:31:40,420 --> 00:31:41,420
Yes, it does.
438
00:31:43,330 --> 00:31:45,210
Then I hassled one of the guards back in
the prison.
439
00:31:45,730 --> 00:31:47,030
He had it in for me, see.
440
00:31:47,910 --> 00:31:50,310
Later on the laundry room at night,
tried to do me in with his club.
441
00:31:50,910 --> 00:31:52,010
He's the one that got done in.
442
00:31:52,210 --> 00:31:57,530
Anyway, he told the brass, of course,
that I started it, so they denied me
443
00:31:57,530 --> 00:31:59,630
parole and gave me another three years.
444
00:31:59,990 --> 00:32:01,110
What's that got to do with me?
445
00:32:01,770 --> 00:32:02,930
Well, it's got everything to do with
you.
446
00:32:03,610 --> 00:32:06,590
You're a good girl, and I didn't want
you to sit around for three years
447
00:32:06,590 --> 00:32:07,549
for those dumb letters.
448
00:32:07,550 --> 00:32:08,550
Dumb letters?
449
00:32:09,750 --> 00:32:11,130
I'll tell you about those letters.
450
00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:15,260
I was lying in bed, rotting away,
waiting to die when that first letter
451
00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:18,540
Do I look like I'm lying in bed waiting
to die right now?
452
00:32:19,660 --> 00:32:21,120
No. No, but nothing.
453
00:32:21,380 --> 00:32:24,560
What was it you said when you were
writing all those positive things for
454
00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:26,440
censors? No one should give up.
455
00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:27,680
Play it straight.
456
00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:30,280
Find out where you fit in. Keep reaching
higher.
457
00:32:30,700 --> 00:32:33,560
Well, maybe you didn't believe that
stuff, but you sure convinced me.
458
00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:47,760
What are you trying to do, grind
yourself?
459
00:32:48,020 --> 00:32:49,020
Let go of me!
460
00:32:49,900 --> 00:32:52,840
It's those dumb letters you wrote that
gave me the idea to get in the pool.
461
00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:35,000
Well, you're a good swimmer.
462
00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:38,680
Those dumb letters had reason and
purpose.
463
00:33:39,020 --> 00:33:44,380
You know, I fantasized long before I
came to this island about you and me.
464
00:33:44,800 --> 00:33:49,040
I even thought that maybe my legs
wouldn't matter to you. Wasn't that
465
00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:50,800
No, it wasn't.
466
00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:52,520
Don't move.
467
00:33:52,780 --> 00:33:53,780
Stay there.
468
00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:56,920
What are you doing?
469
00:33:57,240 --> 00:33:58,340
I'm good in the water.
470
00:33:58,560 --> 00:33:59,920
I fit in the water.
471
00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:02,880
But you said, keep reaching higher.
472
00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:04,660
Don't let anyone limit you.
473
00:34:05,140 --> 00:34:09,300
You said you'd hang in there and keep
trying.
474
00:34:10,739 --> 00:34:16,659
You said with love in your heart and
faith in your mind, you could do
475
00:34:17,060 --> 00:34:19,960
You said you were right.
476
00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:26,800
It's not bad for a girl who was lying
there waiting to die when a dumb letter
477
00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:28,020
from a convict showed up.
478
00:34:29,780 --> 00:34:30,780
You know,
479
00:34:31,530 --> 00:34:34,909
It took a beautiful man to write those
thousands of words.
480
00:34:40,590 --> 00:34:41,710
I'm not going for it.
481
00:34:42,929 --> 00:34:44,270
You did it, not me.
482
00:34:44,850 --> 00:34:45,850
I'm no hero.
483
00:34:46,310 --> 00:34:47,310
I'm no God.
484
00:34:48,449 --> 00:34:49,530
I don't want any credit.
485
00:34:50,130 --> 00:34:52,150
And I sure don't want any responsibility
for you.
486
00:34:52,670 --> 00:34:53,670
So just forget it.
487
00:35:10,090 --> 00:35:14,110
let us give a fantastic welcome to Mr.
Freddy Weller.
488
00:35:29,270 --> 00:35:35,510
I want to go to Fantasy Island, Fantasy
Island,
489
00:35:35,690 --> 00:35:38,770
and let my desires run free.
490
00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:49,020
I want to go where there's nothing but
fun, and I can become someone
491
00:35:49,020 --> 00:35:51,380
I've always wanted to be.
492
00:35:54,880 --> 00:36:01,480
I see me now on Fantasy Island, Fantasy
Island,
493
00:36:01,660 --> 00:36:04,400
where everyone's smiling at me.
494
00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:15,420
With someone to fan me and someone to
hand me. I drink when I want it as I lay
495
00:36:15,420 --> 00:36:17,380
beneath the coconut tree.
496
00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:25,680
Maybe Danny won't... Maybe Danny will
show up. Maybe what... Maybe Danny will
497
00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:27,180
get back in time and I won't have to go
on.
498
00:36:28,180 --> 00:36:30,160
Come on now. You're going to be great.
499
00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:37,760
Let's take a trip.
500
00:36:38,510 --> 00:36:44,890
To Fantasy Island Thank
501
00:36:44,890 --> 00:36:51,690
you so
502
00:36:51,690 --> 00:36:54,210
much, Mr. Weller. You see, I promised
you a pleasant surprise.
503
00:36:54,530 --> 00:36:57,570
And now, to kick off our amateur
contest...
504
00:36:57,870 --> 00:37:01,550
Your master of ceremonies for the
evening is a young man who will be
505
00:37:01,550 --> 00:37:05,730
own comedy debut on our stage. I think
you'll find him most amusing.
506
00:37:06,070 --> 00:37:10,310
It gives me great pleasure, ladies and
gentlemen, to present to you Mr. Jerry
507
00:37:10,310 --> 00:37:11,310
Burton.
508
00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:17,080
Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank
you, Mr. Rourke, and thanks to all of
509
00:37:17,240 --> 00:37:20,520
I'd just like to say right at the outset
what a tremendous thrill it is to be
510
00:37:20,520 --> 00:37:24,380
working in a classy place like Fantasy
Island, because most of the joints I
511
00:37:24,380 --> 00:37:28,240
in are very tough, and I'm talking tough
here. I mean, I worked in a place that
512
00:37:28,240 --> 00:37:32,560
was so tough, the doorman used to shove
you through the mail slot, just like
513
00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:35,480
that. And this place was tough.
514
00:37:35,700 --> 00:37:39,020
I said to the bartender in this place, I
said, hey, I'm looking for a very cold
515
00:37:39,020 --> 00:37:41,540
martini. He showed me a dead Italian in
a meat locker.
516
00:37:43,930 --> 00:37:46,810
Freezer. Excuse me. It was in a freezer.
It wasn't in the meat locker. There.
517
00:37:46,870 --> 00:37:49,110
And the food in this place.
518
00:37:49,630 --> 00:37:51,970
Tough food. Tough. They had a thing
there that they call.
519
00:37:55,170 --> 00:37:57,610
They call it a do -it -yourself ham
sandwich.
520
00:37:58,170 --> 00:38:00,070
Loaf of bread and a live pig.
521
00:38:00,870 --> 00:38:03,290
Or a loaf of pig and a live bread. I
don't remember which one.
522
00:38:03,530 --> 00:38:08,910
But I found a fly in my soup at this
place. Had cement around its feet.
523
00:38:13,930 --> 00:38:14,930
Or asphalt.
524
00:38:14,970 --> 00:38:18,410
But this is tough. I mean, not as tough
as this.
525
00:38:19,050 --> 00:38:23,610
But, ladies and gentlemen, the first
contestant on the amateur night bill. He
526
00:38:23,610 --> 00:38:26,990
the one man on Fantasy Island with a one
man band.
527
00:38:27,310 --> 00:38:28,470
Come on out here, John.
528
00:38:37,530 --> 00:38:39,230
We're gonna rock it everywhere.
529
00:38:40,030 --> 00:38:41,130
You were wonderful.
530
00:38:41,610 --> 00:38:43,150
Oh, sure. They loved me.
531
00:38:43,450 --> 00:38:44,450
That's why they didn't laugh.
532
00:38:45,190 --> 00:38:48,050
Mary, I can't get to them. I'm not
funny.
533
00:38:48,650 --> 00:38:49,850
Not the way Danny is.
534
00:38:50,870 --> 00:38:52,790
There is only one Danny Baker.
535
00:38:53,990 --> 00:38:57,010
But there is also only one Jerry Burton.
536
00:38:58,370 --> 00:39:01,370
Don't try to do your material the way
Danny would do it.
537
00:39:01,850 --> 00:39:02,850
Be yourself.
538
00:39:16,440 --> 00:39:17,460
Rock and roll.
539
00:39:21,800 --> 00:39:22,800
Boss,
540
00:39:24,960 --> 00:39:27,800
Danny Baker is back. He's gonna kill
Jimmy.
541
00:39:32,860 --> 00:39:33,860
Thank you, Don.
542
00:39:34,980 --> 00:39:35,980
What's this?
543
00:39:36,020 --> 00:39:38,520
Looks like a knockwurst wrapped in a
French flag. Who needs it?
544
00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:44,060
Hey, listen, folks, you know, Don is not
a professional musician.
545
00:39:44,280 --> 00:39:49,080
He is actually a VIP, very important
person. He's got 5 ,000 people under
546
00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:50,900
Mows lawns in a cemetery.
547
00:39:58,140 --> 00:40:01,620
Um, you all know Mr. Tattoo.
548
00:40:02,020 --> 00:40:03,020
He's a wonderful guy.
549
00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:06,680
So is Mr. Rourke. They gave me a big
opportunity here tonight.
550
00:40:08,460 --> 00:40:09,460
And I'm blowing it.
551
00:40:12,720 --> 00:40:13,720
I'm sorry.
552
00:40:18,560 --> 00:40:21,760
Hey, Burton, do you know you happen to
be my favorite comedian?
553
00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:23,400
Danny?
554
00:40:23,520 --> 00:40:24,520
Is that you?
555
00:40:24,680 --> 00:40:27,760
No, it's Fidel Castro, but since I
shaved, nobody knows me.
556
00:40:28,380 --> 00:40:30,180
Of course it's me, silly, in the flesh.
557
00:40:31,380 --> 00:40:33,280
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Danny Baker.
558
00:40:44,810 --> 00:40:46,550
I don't care about anything. I think
you're hilarious.
559
00:40:46,790 --> 00:40:49,390
As a matter of fact, I was going to send
you a fan letter.
560
00:40:50,930 --> 00:40:54,330
Why couldn't you send me a fan letter?
Well, I didn't know how to spell...
561
00:40:54,330 --> 00:40:58,810
Listen, Danny, I'm not going to get into
a battle of wits with you.
562
00:40:59,090 --> 00:41:01,630
Yeah, why not? Because I never fight an
unarmed man.
563
00:41:02,750 --> 00:41:08,160
But seriously, folks... You have to
admire a man like Danny Baker. He has
564
00:41:08,160 --> 00:41:11,760
probably the finest comedy mind in the
world. That's true.
565
00:41:12,100 --> 00:41:13,860
Unfortunately, it happens to be in my
head.
566
00:41:14,100 --> 00:41:17,980
Hey, Danny, come on. Isn't that true?
Haven't I written all your lines for the
567
00:41:17,980 --> 00:41:18,839
last eight years?
568
00:41:18,840 --> 00:41:22,060
Well, I can't answer that right now. Why
not? Because you didn't give me
569
00:41:22,060 --> 00:41:23,060
anything to say.
570
00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:27,500
But I don't need a writer to say this,
kid. And this comes right from the gut.
571
00:41:27,780 --> 00:41:28,840
You make me sick.
572
00:41:30,990 --> 00:41:34,450
But seriously, Jerry, why don't you tell
the folks what you really and truly
573
00:41:34,450 --> 00:41:39,250
think of me? I'd be glad to, Danny. I
always look upon you as my melancholy
574
00:41:39,250 --> 00:41:40,990
baby. Your melancholy baby.
575
00:41:41,290 --> 00:41:43,650
Head like a melon, face like a collie.
576
00:41:47,430 --> 00:41:50,110
I'm making them laugh. No, we're making
them laugh together.
577
00:41:50,390 --> 00:41:52,710
And we'll go on doing it this way. This
is great. Hey.
578
00:41:53,040 --> 00:41:56,900
How about this fantasy island? Is this
some terrific island? Some. And how
579
00:41:56,900 --> 00:42:01,180
this hotel? What a hotel. Listen, I
wouldn't want to say the bellboys are
580
00:42:01,180 --> 00:42:04,440
-hungry, but when I ordered a deck of
cards, they made 52 trips.
581
00:42:04,740 --> 00:42:05,740
52 trips.
582
00:42:06,400 --> 00:42:10,940
And the rooms, do you believe how small
these rooms are? Small rooms. My room is
583
00:42:10,940 --> 00:42:11,940
so small.
584
00:42:12,040 --> 00:42:14,140
How small is your room?
585
00:42:14,380 --> 00:42:18,480
My room is so small, when you get into
bed, the doorknob gets in there with
586
00:42:18,660 --> 00:42:20,860
You've got to go out in the hallway to
check.
587
00:42:23,120 --> 00:42:25,540
is so small, even the mice are
hunchbacks.
588
00:43:06,410 --> 00:43:07,590
There's something I have to tell you.
589
00:43:09,670 --> 00:43:11,190
Your letters did me good, too.
590
00:43:14,810 --> 00:43:16,770
You know, I've been bad since the day I
was born.
591
00:43:18,950 --> 00:43:21,070
And after you, I started to straighten
my act out.
592
00:43:21,730 --> 00:43:23,330
I stopped taking things from guys.
593
00:43:23,770 --> 00:43:25,210
I stopped intimidating people.
594
00:43:26,130 --> 00:43:29,330
That's what you call a model prisoner
until that guard gave me that hassle.
595
00:43:29,790 --> 00:43:31,710
What happened back at the swimming pool?
596
00:43:32,530 --> 00:43:33,530
Why'd you leave me?
597
00:43:34,430 --> 00:43:35,470
You scared me.
598
00:43:37,210 --> 00:43:40,730
How? Well, you... You thought I did
something great and I didn't.
599
00:43:41,770 --> 00:43:44,650
I mean, I'm not always faith -filled and
strong.
600
00:43:45,850 --> 00:43:47,850
I can get weak and scared.
601
00:43:48,450 --> 00:43:49,910
You started to depend on me.
602
00:43:50,910 --> 00:43:54,830
I was afraid one day you'd turn to me
and I couldn't deliver when you needed
603
00:43:54,830 --> 00:43:55,830
most.
604
00:43:57,650 --> 00:43:59,850
I needed you when you wrote that first
letter.
605
00:44:00,970 --> 00:44:04,230
And I needed you desperately when you
walked in here and sat down.
606
00:44:07,580 --> 00:44:09,640
You've always delivered what I needed
you.
607
00:44:10,360 --> 00:44:15,120
Yeah, but don't you see all that... That
fate stuff and reaching high and all
608
00:44:15,120 --> 00:44:19,180
that, that's... That came from inside me
after I knew you.
609
00:44:19,960 --> 00:44:21,880
Don't you realize why I stopped writing
you?
610
00:44:22,860 --> 00:44:24,360
Because I was falling in love with you.
611
00:44:27,980 --> 00:44:30,500
Those are the nicest words I've ever
heard.
612
00:44:31,900 --> 00:44:33,140
I love you too.
613
00:44:35,950 --> 00:44:36,950
We won't have much of a chance.
614
00:44:39,030 --> 00:44:40,030
Don't we?
615
00:44:41,010 --> 00:44:42,990
A year ago, you didn't care about
anybody.
616
00:44:43,790 --> 00:44:44,950
And I was a cripple.
617
00:44:45,970 --> 00:44:47,550
Now you tell me you love me.
618
00:44:48,250 --> 00:44:49,690
And I've taken a couple of steps.
619
00:44:50,570 --> 00:44:52,570
I'd say together we've done a great job.
620
00:44:54,390 --> 00:44:58,450
Do you... Do you have any idea how much
I love you?
621
00:45:00,190 --> 00:45:01,670
I'm afraid I am losing you.
622
00:45:03,130 --> 00:45:04,670
Are you afraid right this minute?
623
00:45:08,600 --> 00:45:09,600
Neither am I.
624
00:45:10,900 --> 00:45:13,800
Can you imagine what we'll do when
there's no mailman in the middle?
625
00:45:21,940 --> 00:45:22,940
Oh,
626
00:45:28,280 --> 00:45:29,280
thank you, Mr. Rourke.
627
00:45:29,900 --> 00:45:33,740
Three years should go by pretty fast as
long as she's waiting for me. Oh, you
628
00:45:33,740 --> 00:45:34,960
may not have to wait three years.
629
00:45:35,720 --> 00:45:39,140
Information has come to light that the
guard was responsible for the incident
630
00:45:39,140 --> 00:45:40,360
that prevented your parole.
631
00:45:40,620 --> 00:45:45,980
And they've sent another marshal from
Japan to take you back for a new parole
632
00:45:45,980 --> 00:45:46,980
hearing.
633
00:45:49,320 --> 00:45:50,680
No more mailman.
634
00:46:06,800 --> 00:46:08,260
Learned a great lesson, Mr. Rourke.
635
00:46:08,580 --> 00:46:10,600
Never let tattoos set up your boat
trips.
636
00:46:10,900 --> 00:46:12,540
You might not make it back to shore.
637
00:46:13,360 --> 00:46:17,500
But I'm really glad it happened, though.
It made me realize that Jerry was more
638
00:46:17,500 --> 00:46:18,500
than just a kid.
639
00:46:18,800 --> 00:46:22,980
And if I let him go when his contract
ran out, I'd be losing the best part of
640
00:46:22,980 --> 00:46:23,980
act.
641
00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:26,780
Goodbye, Mr. Rourke. Goodbye, Mr. Baker.
642
00:46:28,580 --> 00:46:32,400
Goodbye, Mr. Rourke. Thanks for me, too.
Oh, a pleasure, Mr. Burton. Bye -bye.
643
00:46:32,720 --> 00:46:33,720
Goodbye.
644
00:46:43,660 --> 00:46:45,820
And thanks for making my fantasy come
true, too.
645
00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:49,000
I guess I've been in love with Jerry
since high school.
646
00:47:17,820 --> 00:47:21,720
Hush, now don't you cry.
647
00:47:24,620 --> 00:47:26,880
Hey, boss, how do you like it?
648
00:47:27,860 --> 00:47:33,580
Amazing. Tattoo, I take it back. That is
the best Bing Crosby impersonation I
649
00:47:33,580 --> 00:47:34,680
have ever heard.
650
00:47:35,160 --> 00:47:37,160
Please sing some more. Please, please.
651
00:47:39,620 --> 00:47:45,540
Over in Killarney Many years ago
652
00:47:47,630 --> 00:47:54,310
My mother sang a song to me in tones so
653
00:47:54,310 --> 00:47:56,270
soft and mild.
52649
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.