Original subtitles

Well, Tattoo, how's our mail order haberdasher this morning?

Very good, boss.

Do I have a great bargain for you.

How would you like a great cashmere suit for only $43?

$43? Yes.

For cashmere? Yes.

How can you possibly sell at that price?

We work on a very low margin.

For only a few dollars, you can get all the extra.

It's all right in here, look.

Your company considers buttons, pockets, and sleeves as extras?

No, that was my idea.

I call it a lowball sales approach.

Oh, I see.

Well, now tell me, what would a suit cost with such frills as zippers,

and pant legs?

That all depends, boss.

If you want lapels or sleeves on both sides or not.

I consider this insolent clothes.

Boss.

Boss.

Boss, wait for me.

Hey, boss.

Miles, everyone.

Miles.

Who are they, boss?

That gentleman is the right Reverend Hiram Hollister of Cleveland, Ohio.

You must be kidding.

What's his fantasy?

The reverend wishes to spend the weekend on the fondly remembered farm where he

was raised, which unfortunately is now a shopping center in the greater

Cleveland area. As you can see, he's brought his daughter with him.

They don't look too happy to be here.

Oh, I'm sure it's just nerves, the two. Perhaps they don't like flying.

You sure he's a reverend?

He looks a little shifty to me.

Indeed.

Perhaps there is something worrying him.

Oh, here is someone who should interest you, Tattoo. Mr. Ted Cavano of

Sausalito, California.

He's quite a celebrated painter.

You don't mean that painter?

The one who let a wild gorilla loose in his art show?

A pet gorilla, Tattoo. Mr. Cavano said his ape appreciated art as much as

anyone. What's his fantasy?

Oh, very simple.

He wishes to become a romantic, adventurous, swashbuckling pirate.

Him? A pirate?

What for?

To sweep the lady he loves, his former wife, off her feet again.

How romantic.

Is she here?

I don't see her.

Oh, she's on the island already.

But it's not going to be quite as easy as you might think. You see, the lady is

scheduled to be married to another man today.

Not that wedding.

Oh, boss.

Those people pay a lot of money for that wedding.

Hello, guests.

I am Mr. Walt, your host.

Welcome to Fantasy Island.

this place is?

I don't know.

Looks like some kind of resort.

Boy, pick in the pocket of a preacher.

He really got us in the soup this time.

What do you mean, me? You're the one that put the stall on him.

Well, how'd I know what he was?

He wasn't wearing no collar.

Besides, you dipped in him. That's bad luck.

I just slipped it back, but I saw that bunco cop bearing down on us.

Come on, Harmony. It could be worse.

Ticket in his wallet got us here, didn't it? Yeah, but I'm worried, Petey. You

know that cop wants to take me away from you.

We gotta get out of here before those creeps figure out we're ringers.

Okay, okay, but we need a steak first.

This place is loaded with pigeons.

You sure you won't foul up again?

Foul up? Me?

I'm the smoothest cannon in the business and you know it.

Then how come Sergeant Boylan's busted you four times?

The brakes. Just the brakes.

Look at those.

Those aren't hands. They're instruments, right?

Come on, baby.

Who's the best dip ever?

Who, baby?

Oh, you are.

Well,

if you ever get down Texas way, I want you all to be sure and give me a call.

Would you do that?

All right. How about something over here?

Would you mind giving these ladies a nice drink?

What do you have?

Oh, you all right, little lady? Gee, I'm real sorry.

Don't give it another try. Enjoy yourself, Mr. Wilson. Oh, what is that?

Ah, I just picked it up.

Where is your lost and found apartment?

Oh, how very considerate, Reverend. But the gentleman who lost it is right

there.

Mr. Wesson? I believe this is yours.

Oh, well, thank you.

Oh, no, no, Reverend Hollister deserves the thanks.

Well, I'm in your debt, Parson.

If it's not against your principles, I'd like the honor of buying you a drink.

Why not?

I try to keep an open mind on sinners and tax collectors.

I'm curious, just what is a parson's fantasy?

Fantasy?

Reverend Hollister's fantasy is one to be admired, Mr. Wasson.

He wishes to return to the soil, to spend a weekend in a farm like the one

grew up on.

Once again, milking cows, plowing fields.

Sloping pigs.

Daddy is sure looking forward to it, Mr. Rourke.

Good. Why don't you enjoy some lunch, and in an hour I'll pick you up at your

bungalow, and your barnyard fantasy will begin.

Will you excuse us? I do.

Talk to you later.

What did you tell him that for? I'm not going to work on any farm this weekend.

Maybe not a whole weekend, but I got a feeling you better at least make a stab

at it.

Unless you want those people to figure out who you really are.

Is it all right to wear white, Mother? I mean, isn't there a tradition about

wearing blue the second time around?

Well, in your case, the first time with that maniac shouldn't count.

I know he's a thousand miles away, but somehow I always expect him to jump out

of a tree or something.

Mother, if he does, I'll personally kill him.

Mr. Rourke, you wouldn't believe some of the crazy things Kavanaugh used to do.

Oh, indeed.

Mr. Rourke, that maniac has scared off every man who's ever been interested in

my Mary.

All except for Donald Gidding, of course.

And thank God, he's the prize.

And in just five minutes, you will be Mrs.

Gidding.

If only dear father were still alive.

You're forgetting.

Daddy liked Kavanaugh.

Well, I mean, no one is perfect.

Shall we, Mrs. LeVere?

How dare you give me up?

Okay.

There you go. Hold it. My dear

friends,

we are gathered here today to join Mary...

and Donald together in holy matrimony.

If there is anyone present who knows why these two should not be wed, let him

speak now or forever keep his peace.

Did someone speak?

They shouldn't get married because Donald Getty is a pompous 14 -carat

It's him. It's him, the maniac. Oh, my God, it's Kavanaugh.

Did you hear what he called me?

I knew it. I knew it.

That's you behind that eyepatch, isn't it, Kavanaugh?

Some call me the Seahawk, master of my own ship.

What?

Your servant, my lady.

Do you realize, sir, there's a wedding going on? Yes.

Yes, I do. And I must say, a very fine choice for a bride. Very fine.

Come right there.

Bring her along.

I'm just as deeply shocked as you are.

Shocked.

Here

it

is. You described it in your letter.

This is really neat.

Fields waiting to be plowed and seeded.

A pen of...

Chicken to be fed and eggs to be collected.

This is the house where you will be staying.

Looks just like I always thought it would.

As you requested, everything required for a vigorous weekend of fruitful labor

in God's country has been provided. Oh.

How I envy your taste for the beauty of simplicity, Reverend.

This way.

After you, Reverend.

Everything you dreamed of, huh, Dad?

How long are we in for?

I mean, how long can we stay?

Oh, we won't disturb you till Monday morning.

We better hurry, boss.

There is a New York detective coming on the next plane.

He wants to talk to you.

Yes. Well, enjoy yourselves. And remember, our dining room will be happy

any eggs or vegetables you care to sell.

Have a blessed and glorious weekend, Reverend.

How many?

Well, looks like we're stuck here.

Are you kidding?

I told you before, I'm not about to work my can off slopping hogs. Now, come on,

let's go find that mark.

No. What do you mean?

If it is boiling on that plane, farm's the last place he'll look for us.

Petey, that work's no dummy.

If we don't play the part, he'll check and find out who we really are.

Come on, Petey. We gotta make it look good, or else.

Anything else, Captain?

No, thanks, Ben.

I still say it's warmer down below.

In your cabin? I'd rather walk the plank.

Hey, you remember when we were kids we used to play pirate on the lake? We were

children. In that old barge. It was filthy.

And I was the captain and you were my first mate.

Boy, those were magic times.

They were the best. The worst.

That's when you first loved me.

Childhood illusions, Cavanaugh.

That year we got married, we were just big children.

Isn't there one moment you remember with me fondly?

Of course.

I'd be lying if I said no.

See? What is it? The divorce.

Smart aleck.

Don't you get it, Cavanaugh? I hate you and I always will.

Hey, that's pretty strong language.

Be mild. I actually detest you.

Well, I'm your husband. You are not. We're divorced.

A technicality.

You're already under court order to leave me alone, Kavanaugh. How long do

think you can carry this off before the police cart you away?

Cart me away?

The Seahawk fears nothing.

Kavanaugh, you're not Errol Flynn.

Yeah, you're right.

Nobody is anymore.

I guess that's what's wrong with the group.

You know, I can see you wanting to get married.

You admit it. You admit we're not married.

But to a stiff -like giddy.

That's cruel, Kavanaugh.

And it's not very fair.

Donald is... He may be conventional by your bizarre standards, but he's strong

and dependable.

And I hate you for ruining my wedding.

Mary.

Mary, if you really mean that, then life has no meaning for me.

I mean it.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

You have sealed my fate.

Gonna jump, Cavanaugh. Hooray!

Au revoir, darling.

This is goodbye.

me, Ted.

Another trick.

I should have known.

Okay.

Of course I'm not okay.

Every muscle in my body hates me.

I am one mountain of pain.

And just look at these.

They're ruined.

I'll be months getting them back in shape.

Yeah, the whole thing's been a bummer.

But maybe a guy could get used to it.

Are you crazy?

Oh, I don't mean that.

But there's something.

Not much.

But something to be said for it.

Isn't there?

I know this sounds dumb, Petey.

But doesn't this place remind you of something?

What?

Remember when I was little?

You used to say we'd have a place like this someday.

Remember?

Oh, boy.

I'm an agony and you tell me junk like that.

It was just a bedtime story to make you shut up and go to sleep.

The New York cop.

He's waiting outside again.

Should I let him in or should I tell him you're still busy?

No, he's been waiting long enough. Perhaps we should see him.

Oh, and Tattoo, please, please.

It's not cop.

It's police officer.

Come in, police officer, cops.

Thank you.

Oh, Mr. Roark, Sergeant Boylan, NYPD Bunko Squad. Yes, yes, I understand.

Sit down, Sergeant. Please, sit down.

Well, what can I do for you?

Well, I think it's more what I can do for you in protecting the valuables of

your guests.

Oh? You see, Mr. Roark, I have traced a notorious pickpocket to your island.

His name is Petey Raven.

Pickpocket?

Now, this cannon usually travels with his kid.

He's trained her to be a stall.

I see.

Tell me something, Sergeant. Isn't it rather unusual to chase a petty

thief so far?

It's because the kid's involved.

You see, Mr. Rourke, under the habitual criminal law, the judge has cautioned

Petey... That he'll put the girl in a foster home if he ever slips again.

I see.

So, uh, you are doing it for the child's own good.

Mm -hmm. For the child.

For society.

Yes, Sergeant.

These two are here. Well, show me where they are and we'll make the collar now.

Oh, not so fast.

Not so fast.

I must remind you that the New York police have no authority on Fantasy

Sergeant. I don't get you, Mr. Ork.

Are you trying to help them in some way?

Hardly.

Coming here under false pretenses, they have also defrauded me.

Be assured, I'll see they get what's coming to them.

What's this?

Cannabis?

Yellow -white?

Arcturus?

Hot orange?

Regal?

Cool blue -white?

They all look white to me.

No, no, that's an illusion. You've got to see them through a telescope.

You're a funny man, Kavanaugh.

The last time I saw you, you were deep into Van Gogh.

His friends called him Vincent.

Vincent. Starry Night got me interested.

And you got me my very best Starry Night repro. Remember?

On my 30th birthday.

I remember.

You do? You found a gray hair.

Yeah, well, take a look. It's gone.

I cut it out. Rotten branch.

No gray hair.

Cavanaugh, you're certifiable.

Pass it, son.

How come you only call me by my first name when you think I'm dead?

I guess it's because you're an artist.

Left name signatures.

You remember when I sold my first painting?

You were there.

The coffee shop?

I guess it was a sale.

Oh, yeah, it was a sale. I mean, they took it for good and valuable

consideration.

Only because we didn't have enough money to pay for the hamburgers we ate that

month.

I guess it wasn't all bad, Kevin.

Yeah.

You want to dance?

You trying to seduce me, Kevin? No, no.

Just to dance.

I wouldn't try that.

Come on.

Nice music.

Okay.

But we'll just dance. Just dance.

Just a nice, friendly dance.

I did like you once, Cavanaugh.

But only in your saner moments.

I maybe even loved you a little. Yeah?

Well, I've always loved you.

I know what you're trying to do.

I know.

And you want me to move into your cabin with you, don't you? Sleep with you

tonight. No.

I almost could the way I feel right now.

Why don't you?

Because it wouldn't be fair to Donald.

Donald?

Yeah.

To hell with Donald.

Donald doesn't care about you.

All Donald cares about is the millions he inherited.

I care about you.

You're not being fair.

Suppose I did stay with you tonight.

Comes the morn, fairy magic gone with the champagne, and we'd beat each

throats again.

I never promised you a rose card.

But then again, we're not roses, are we?

Cute.

No, Captain.

If you truly loved me, you'd let me go.

Okay, uh... I, uh... I'm sorry, I, uh... I thought I could make you

fall in love with me again. That's a crazy thought.

Well, I'll take you back in the morning.

Morning, Glory.

This is Potter.

Come in, Morning Glory.

What is it, Patton?

We got the pigeon we're looking for.

Pigeon? What do you mean?

There's a gal aboard ship worth a couple million to someone.

Come and pick her up.

I am so pleased to see that the farming life really agrees with you two.

Oh, yes, it's just peachy.

Wonderful, wonderful.

Tattoo, may I be of any service?

No, thank you, boss.

I take care of business with the Reverend and his daughter.

Well, in that case, if you'll excuse me.

That's 12 cartons of A's.

Triple A and super fresh.

Just like those radishes.

They don't look fresh to me.

Then you're looking wrong. I picked them this morning.

You're lucky to get goods like these.

All right.

That makes six crates plus the eggs. That's $37.

I can offer you cash or $60 in trade.

Trade for what?

A full real cashmere suit for your father.

Thanks, but we'll take cash.

Come on, we gotta get back.

We'll collect later.

I made the same old fine shoes.

Good morning.

Did you sleep well?

Ahoy! You idiots in a small boat, give way!

That must be Donald, saving me.

Get out of here!

Stand the yard arm, or stand by to repel!

What are you, nuts? Those guys are shooting real bullets!

Look out!

Abandon ship!

Let's get the hell out of here!

This isn't a steer trip, is it, Kev?

I wish you was.

Help!

I'm guard.

I got a better one, boy.

Dig him up.

Yeah, but no.

Now, don't be scared, Mary.

Shut up.

Get in the boat.

Come on, come on, come on. Move along.

Come on. You too. Let's go.

And that'll be my way. I really appreciate it.

Oh,

Mr. Roy. Mr. Roy. Mr. Johnson, and how are you today?

How am I? Yes.

Then I can assume you are pleased with the fulfillment of your fantasy.

Pleased is hardly the word. How can I ever thank you? Your happiness, Mr.

Johnson, is my reward.

Thank you.

Mr. Johnson, what's your fantasy?

Well, you see, my favorite TV show is Three's Company. That's where this young

man shares an apartment with these two luscious beauties and what fun they

And you wish to do the same.

Write his ring tattoo.

Girls, right this way, please.

Hello, watch your step.

Excuse me. Allow me. Allow me. Allow me. Hello.

Hello. Do you want to excuse me?

Boss, I don't understand.

On the TV show, there are two girls.

I don't need five.

Haven't you heard?

Heard what, boss?

Inflation, my dear tattoo.

Inflation? Inflation.

What do you think you're accomplishing? Well, you saw it boiling. I got to get

my hands in shape so I can hit that mark.

We need a stake to get out of here.

Harmony, what are we going to do?

Maybe we could stay here.

It's a thought.

Are you crazy?

I don't think it's so crazy.

You want to live on a farm?

Okay, I'll arrange it. I'll send you to your Aunt Laura's.

We got to get off this island first.

Harmony, I'm not a farmer. I'm a pickpocket. It's the only thing I do

You're right. I was playing a dumb kid game with these dumb things.

Well, what good did that do?

It helped make up my mind. Look, there's nothing wrong with my hands. I'll hit

the mark for us.

You, with boiling around talk sense, Harmony.

You're years away from being a passable dip.

Fact is, you're not even a good stall yet.

Oh, yes, I am. And I can do it.

Harmony, come back here.

Harmony, open up.

Come on now.

I'm your dad.

I am what I am because I can't do anything else.

Dammit, don't you understand?

I don't want you to grow up to be a thief.

Harmony?

I'm getting real punked off.

Harmony, now open this door.

Okay, you want to get stubborn? Stay in there.

Hey, you expect us to stay in this dump?

Just until her boyfriend pays the ransom.

Ransom? What ransom?

What if he doesn't pay? What then?

Nothing. We both just simply disappear.

Make yourselves comfortable.

You'll be thankful now that I'm marrying somebody as principled and dependable

as Donald. He'll save your miserable hide, too.

There's madness catching, Cavanaugh.

You almost had me going there again.

Why couldn't you just have left me alone?

I'd be married now and on my honeymoon.

I'm really sorry, Mary.

I never meant for any of this to happen.

You never do.

Just stay away from me, okay?

Whenever you're near me, there's trouble.

Harmony! You've been in there an hour. Get out here.

Oh, baby.

Don't try it.

You want a grape?

Huh? Would you like to have a drink?

Want a little drink? There you go. Well, you drink and be merry. Isn't that

good, Taysom?

Want another one? Huh?

How about that? Isn't that good?

Want another one?

Here you go.

Want some?

Yeah, good. Well, that's good, isn't it, huh?

There you go. My goodness sakes. Have some more.

There.

There you go.

Hey, I'm not quite sure...

Not very likely, little lady.

Here you are, sir. Thank you. So he's got you doing the work for him now, huh?

Please, I couldn't let Petey do it. I had to do it myself.

Well, Mr. Rourke, do you mind if I take charge now?

Obviously, you already have.

Please help me, Mr. Rourke.

I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do.

Don't take me, Boylan.

Please. Come on.

I'm sorry, Petey.

I'm sorry for everything.

It was the brakes, kid. Just the brakes.

No. It was all my fault.

Being here, your hands, getting you on that farm, now being taken

away from you.

Oh, will you stop blaming yourself?

Can I tell him, Mr. Rourke?

Yes, I think you shouldn't.

Tell me what?

Mr. Rourke was helping me.

Nothing that happened was an accident.

This was all my fantasy from the beginning.

What's she saying?

There wasn't even a real preacher.

He was just a guy I hired to plant the ticket on.

So you could steal it.

It was all just to get us here. Here to Fantasy Island.

Is this true?

Yes. Mr. Raven.

Every word of it.

Her getting caught?

Boylan coming here was all part of it, too?

No. I just say those were just the breaks.

Why? I knew I'd be taken away next time you tumbled.

You're good, Petey. But there's always the break.

And the grabs can go sour.

Then I remembered your bedtime stories.

I thought you might have meant them just a little.

You couldn't get in trouble working on a farm.

I just wanted us to be together, Petey.

I've really let you down.

Along the line.

All your life.

It's time to go.

See you, Petey.

Unless you want to wake them up.

How'd you get these off?

Cavanaugh!

I had a palette knife hidden in my boot.

I've been scraping rotten adobe all night.

Okay. Some rope's done.

All right, let's go. Let's get out of here. Where?

Where? Escape.

We're escaping.

Let's go. And get shot at?

You're crazy, as usual. I'll wait here until Donald comes with the money.

Do you really think he's coming with the money?

And if he did, do you think they'd let us go?

Come on. Why shouldn't they? I'm staying.

I haven't got time to argue. We've got to get out of here. No, you're not

kidnapping me again.

I am not kidnapping you.

I'm saving you. Now, come on.

Look.

I'm the good guy. The bad guys are out there. Let's go.

Help! Help! No, please.

Don't do that. Are you crazy?

What's the matter? Don't you like the room?

No, it's the service.

What time will Mr. Gidding be here for me? He won't.

Mr. Gidding radioed his regrets and his deep love.

But he said it's against his principles to pay ransom. He said you'd understand.

Of course I understand.

It takes a strong man to stand up for his principles, even when it hurts.

I admire him for that.

Wonderful.

All right, let's go.

What are you going to do?

It's time to disappear.

Come on.

Hurry up!

Never mind. Forget it.

We blew it.

Throwing fun to the chickens, Mr. Brayden?

Well, it's not a love affair yet, but they're not as bad as I thought they

I had my chance here.

Turn it all around.

I didn't understand.

Most opportunities are lost because they aren't recognized.

I'd do anything to keep her, Mr. George.

Anything. Even give up picking pockets?

I gave that up back in the visitor's room with Harmony.

Well, you don't have to worry about Cavanaugh anymore, Mumsy.

And as for you, Donald, if Mary can stand you, I wash my hands.

I'm afraid you're no gentleman, Cavanaugh.

Thank you very much.

You're lucky we don't prosecute you.

Goodbye, Mary.

I can't wait to get off this dreadful island.

Well, the ceremony will be simple, proper, and brief.

What do you say, darling? How does that strike you?

With just a few dozen clothes, friend.

The reception at home.

Wouldn't that be much better?

I can arrange it.

Well, I want to thank you for giving me the shot, Mr. Rourke.

It wasn't your fault I blew it.

Oh.

Is it really that bad?

I just couldn't accept the fact that she didn't love me.

Only my oversized ego made me think she ever did.

Mary. You've been wrong about everything else, Cavanaugh. Let's not spoil a

perfect record now.

Oh, Mary.

I don't know why I'm doing this. This craziness must be catching.

It is. It's definitely catching.

And my mother and Donald really think Kavanaugh has kidnapped me again?

As soon as the plane is in the air, I'll see the search party's called off.

Search party?

As I figure it, they should be several miles into the jungle by now.

Mr. Rourke, how can we ever thank you for helping us get away?

Goodbye, Mr. Calvin. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Let's go.

Sergeant, may I have a word?

Certainly. I am very, very embarrassed to tell you, but I'm afraid there's a

problem. I had a long talk with the chief magistrate of the island, and, oh,

he's such a stubborn man.

He just won't let you take the young lady from the island.

What? Something about extradition papers, and you don't have them.

What about Harmony?

What's he going to do with her?

He's talking parole, but of course it's conditional.

It seems we have no one to run that farm, so his honor thought you two might

it.

It does solve the pickpocket problem, doesn't it, Sergeant?

Think what it will do to his hands.

Wait a minute. Where is this judge?

I want to talk to him.

You are, Sergeant.

You are.

What about you two?

I mean, you don't want to spend the rest of your life on a farm here, right out

in the middle of nowhere, do you?

Ah! Ah!

Well, Mr. Roark, I don't think I'll see you again.

I don't think you'll see them again either, Sergeant.

Thank you.

Adios. Goodbye.