Original subtitles

[birds chirping]

["Stayin' Alive" playing]

♪ You can tell By the way I use my walk ♪

♪ I'm a woman's man No time to talk ♪

♪ Music loud and women warm ♪

♪ I've been kicked around Since I was born ♪

♪ It's alright, it's okay ♪

♪ You may look the other way ♪

♪ We can try to understand ♪

♪ The New York Times' Effect on man ♪

♪ Whether you're a brother Or whether you're a mother ♪

♪ You're stayin' alive Stayin' alive ♪

♪ Feel the city breaking And everybody shaking, people ♪

♪ Stayin' alive Stayin' alive ♪

♪ Ah, ha, ha, ha Stayin' alive, stayin' alive ♪

♪ Ah, ha, ha, ha Stayin' alive... ♪

Can I have some breakfast, please?

It's three quid for a cup of coffee and a bacon sandwich.

And obviously,

if you wanted it heated up it's another tenner.

Oh. Okay.

That's the orange ones, right?

[chuckles]

And it's another tenner to park your Jeep.

Of course. Uh...

- There you go. - [laughs]

Excuse me, love? You do realize he's taking th--

Uh, why don't you go to the bathroom, Mandy?

Use the big mirror, eh?

You can put lipstick on a pig, Mand.

It's still a pig!

Yeah, yeah, fuck off.

[both laughing]

May I use your bathroom?

Of course, you can, darling!

Ten pounds.

Can I help?

Why do you work for a man who speaks to you like that?

No idea, darling.

But it's probably the same reason I married the bastard.

Why do you stay married to a man who doesn't love you?

You're weird.

Are you foreign or summat? You don't sound foreign.

Sort of.

Can I have some of that?

[sighs]

Just have the lot, darling.

It's cheap shit anyway.

And listen.

That fella of mine just stole from you.

You do know that, don't you?

[sighs]

You can be a right arsehole sometimes, Carl, you know th--

[groaning]

What he fuck?

Oi! Stop!

Is everything okay?

Not really, no!

[breathing heavily]

You forgot your bacon sarnie.

That's okay, Mandy.

I've had enough pig for one day.

Argh! Ow...

Oh, God, that got me right in the eye!

You know what,

if it's all right with you, I will have that sandwich. Just...

The pig line came to me and I just kind of rolled with it

but I really am quite starving so...

Thanks so much, that's really nice of you.

See you.

[engine sputtering]

Oh, just warming the old girl up. [chuckles]

Here we go.

Ooh, oh. [chuckles]

["Staying Alive" continues playing]

♪ Life's goin' nowhere Somebody help me ♪

♪ Somebody help me, yeah ♪

♪ I'm goin' nowhere ♪

♪ Somebody help me, yeah ♪

[waves splashing]

[thunder rumbling]

[Jay] Look, all I'm saying is, Nick,

you've never been very good with women, have you?

What's that got to do with anything?

Well, you've just been dumped, kid.

Yeah, by someone I was with for three years.

I'm not having a go, mate. I'm just saying that

when it comes to girls,

you've always been a duck out of water.

- What? So, completely fine then? - Eh?

Ducks are amphibious, Jay, so they're completely fine in or out of water.

- Bullshit. - What do you mean "bullshit"?

This is what I'm talking about, bro.

No one cares about all of your University bullshit.

We literally learn that in year two, Jay. That's not even junior school.

Okay, look. The point is,

no matter how clever you think you are,

you're never gonna get anywhere 'cause you've got shit clothes.

- Right. - A shit haircut.

- Okay. - And a dick like a burst balloon.

I've got a perfectly average-sized penis, Jay!

[laughing]

- Okay. Do you want to get over Ellie? - Not really.

Do you want to prove that you're the big man?

- Obviously not. - Okay, then you have to speak

to the next woman who walks in this pub. Whoever they are.

I literally said "no" to both those things.

-'Cause you want me to say it? - No.

- I'm gonna. - Don't.

- I will say it. - Don't say it.

- I shall say it. - Please, don't.

- I'm gonna say it. - I'd rather you didn't.

You're my little bro and...

[sighs]

I love you!

[scats]

And I want you to have some fun. All right?

- [clicks tongue] - No! This is not non-negotiable.

You mean it is non-negotiable.

What?

Don't worry.

Whoa, whoa, here we go. Bro, bro, bro, look, look, look.

Welcome, my friend, to the woman of your dreams.

[thunderclap]

- [gasps] - [glass breaking]

- I am so sorry. - [men laughing]

I will get you another one at the bar.

Ooh, ooh, sorry. Sorry, sorry.

Ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow.

- [chuckles softly] - [barman] You all right?

- [sighs] - [whispering] Now, now, now...

- [Kim] Can I have a glass of cider? - [barman] Sure.

And whatever the angry looking man

behind me was drinking.

Thank you.

- [whispering indistinctly] - [grunts]

Can I ask you something?

Yes! Yeah, fire away, amigo.

Not amigo. Just friend.

Not that we're friends.

Although they do say a stranger is a friend you haven't met yet.

We've technically met, haven't we?

I guess it sort of depends on definitions of like...

- Sorry, you had a question. - Yes.

This is definitely a shoe, right?

Yeah...

I mean just... I feel like there's been some sort of a fundamental mistake.

I mean, no one else seems to be wearing them.

Right.

Sorry, it's just that I've never really dressed up

this smart before, and I'm feeling a bit...

Yeah. No, no, no, completely. That's...

It's the same for the one out of She's All That.

- Look what happened there. - What did happen there?

Well, at the start of the film everyone's like,

"she's not all that" and then she pops this dress on by the end

and then everyone's kicking themselves,

'cause they're like, "Ah, it turns out she was all that all along!"

It's a classic. You've got to watch it.

Okay.

I'll put it on my list.

[chuckles softly]

[both chuckle softly]

[gun cocking]

- [gunshot] - [birds cawing]

[Nicky] Wow, so this was taken on their first date?

Yeah, that's why I wanted this place to be my first pub.

I thought it would be nice to come for a drink here with Dad.

Oh, is he coming down?

Oh, sort of.

You're leaning on him.

[gasps] Oh, God! I'm so... I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God. I... I...

You don't need to apologize to him. He's dead.

- He can't hear you. - [chuckles]

You want to ask me, don't you?

Ask you...

Why this is my first time in a pub?

Or in those shoes?

Or why the only four films, I've seen in my life are Terminator 2,

Shawshank Redemption, Home Alone 2 and Braveheart.

Yeah, no, I do, actually.

I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Nicky.

Kim?

Kim?

It's your turn to disembowel dinner when you got a sec.

Kim?

[knock at door]

[Kim] Dear Mum.

I'm sorry for leaving, but I knew that you would try and stop me.

The thing is,

I finally feel ready to try new things.

Work out what's out there for me.

And make things right...

for Dad.

For all of us.

I'm not a little girl anymore.

I can look after myself, Mum.

The world is a scary place.

- [whirring] - [gasps]

But it is just like he said

in that beautiful poem he wrote for my 21st birthday.

I've got all my life to live.

And all my love to give.

And as long as I know how to love.

I know I'll stay alive.

I will survive, Mum.

Love, Kim.

So just to be clear, the end of the world is coming tomorrow?

No. I'm saying it could be tomorrow,

but when it does happen,

the more off grid you are the better chance you'll have.

- So how's it gonna happen? - Nuclear war, probably.

- Oh. - But it could be artificial intelligence.

Polar ice caps melting.

The next outbreak of fish measles could wipe us out entirely.

I'm sorry? Fish...

My mum always says the defining feature of humanity

is impatience.

Even for its own destruction.

Our mum always says

that one cheese toastie

is never enough,

but two is always too much.

[chuckles]

You're only making fun of me because the government is hiding

how bad it truly is. If you had any idea--

No, no. I am on your side, bro.

Don't believe their lies, man.

Like, "Yeah guys. Shall we just

get on a spaceship and go 'to the moon.'"

As if, man. One giant leap for fucking bullshit, mate.

Okay. All right.

So, Kim, you said your mum told you all this?

You think we're wrong then?

Well, no. I'm just saying.

I think even if we are all fucked,

I'd rather take my chances

in the real world, than hide away

in the middle of nowhere in a cave.

It's a hut.

My mum only makes me sleep in the cave

when the bald man comes to fix the generator.

Yeah, that thing breaks down a lot.

[bell dinging]

What does that mean?

Okay, fun thought. Let's say it is the end of the world

and we all had two weeks to live. What would you do?

Easy. I'd marry my girlfriend on, like, a roller coaster or summat.

- [smirks] - Nice. Nicky?

I would write a lot, paint,

seek out the majesty of nature.

Oh, really?

No. I'd eat donuts and try to have sex with people.

That's good, because if no one wanted to have sex with you,

then you could just use the donuts.

That was my thinking exactly.

All right, go on, Kim, what about you?

Um...

Sex and donuts sounds good to me.

Well, then there we are then, guys.

To the end of the world, baby.

[indistinct conversation]

Me and Ellie had been together three years.

Met at Uni.

You know how it goes.

I guess it wasn't mutual then?

It was, actually.

It was a mutual decision

between her and her new boyfriend.

[both chuckle]

- [alarm beeping] - Oh.

Don't you have to take your pollution pill?

What?

You are immunized, I guess.

Did your mum give you those by any chance?

Yeah.

I can't believe this your first trip into civilization.

Like... ever.

Well, I did the supply run a few times.

But I guess that's just in and out so...

And why did you decide to leave now?

I haven't left.

I'm going back.

Just felt like now is a good time to...

cross some things off my list, I guess.

You and Jay are quite different then?

Our dad died when we were kids,

so that sort of brought us together.

I'm sorry. I feel bad now.

That's all right.

He had this landscaping business.

And me and Jay, we've always had this plan to...

resurrect it.

But you don't want to?

I studied English at Uni.

I've been offered this internship in London.

It's gonna break his heart.

[typing]

So, how did your dad die?

Heart attack.

Yours?

Yeah, same.

He died when I was six.

That's kind of the reason why me and Mum left in the first place.

It's funny.

My dad died the exact same day my little cousin was born.

We even passed my aunt in the hospital.

It's like there's a finite amount of love allowed in the world.

Exactly.

And you've got a pour a bit out to make room for the next bit.

[Jay] Guys!

Oh, my God! Come quick!

Yo, yo, I'm serious. You lot need to come right now.

Kim, your mum was right. It's happening.

Dude, it's fucking happening.

But it's okay, 'cause I found some donuts in the kitchen.

[chuckling]

[Kim] Oh, my God!

Is this happening right now?

How did it start?

- Kim, there isn't any-- - Chlorinated chicken...

and climate change.

- Combined. - Okay, one of us needs to call the WHO.

- The who? - Exactly.

- What? - Oh, never mind, I need to go.

- Hold on a second. - I just don't believe it.

You spend your whole life thinking the world's gonna end

in the blink of an eye and then suddenly it is.

Okay, seriously, Kim, don't worry, there's nothing actually--

Nicky, this is such a serious situation.

There's nothing actually what?

There's nothing actually to--

that we can do right now.

You're right.

- This isn't funny. - It fucking is!

Jay!

It was just a joke 'cause of the whole sex, doughnuts,

end of the world thing. I didn't think she would actually believe it.

[door closes]

Whoa.

Kim! Kim!

Get in the car.

Don't worry, Dad. There's enough time.

[Jay] Where the hell is she going anyway?

[Nicky] Just shut up and follow her.

Kim!

Kim! Kim!

I can't believe she actually fell for it.

She's probably never seen the internet before.

Of course, she fell for it.

Why didn't she realize on the drive over?

Because it's the middle of the night,

even if it was true no fucker would be awake to see it.

Stop worrying, man.

Look, whoever she's gone in there to see

will tell her that it's a joke, and that's that.

What's the problem?

I had the chance to say something and I didn't...

She's gonna think I'm a right dick.

It was just a little joke.

She's gonna think it's hilarious.

- Is she though? - Look, even if she doesn't,

what's the worst that can happen?

[whistles]

[silenced gunshot]

Trust me.

Everything's gonna be fine.

[sighs]

Yeah, I guess you're right.

[sighs]

Ian!

Was that you playing silly bollocks downstairs?

Ian!

Ian!

Hello, Jimmy.

Remember me?

Um...

["Cheer Up London" playing]

♪ You're dead, already Dead, dead, already-ready ♪

♪ Dead, already Dead, dead, already-ready ♪

♪ Dead, already, dead ♪

♪ Dead ♪

♪ Cheer up, London ♪

Thank you, good night, see ya!