Original subtitles

Hi, Helen.

I hope I'm not intruding.

No, not at all.

Oh, champagne.

What are you celebrating?

Um, I won a very prestigious award.

Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt.

No, the party's over. I just, um, now I'm watching my favorite episode of

Hoarders. You know, the one with the heaps of dead cats?

Although I guess that's every episode of Hoarders. Well, I'm just on my way out.

I was wondering if you wouldn't mind signing for another package for me.

Of course.

Oh, the irony, huh?

Here I am, single woman in her 30s, staying in all the time, and you go out

the time. You're in your 80s. It's like, I should be you, you should be me.

I'm going to put out some hard candies.

So you'll sign for the package?

Are you getting something that's going to make me feel lame?

Because I've got to be honest, if I'm staying in on a Saturday night, watching

an episode of Hoarders, waiting to sign for a package of exotic lingerie from my

80 -year -old neighbor who's going on a hot date, I'm going to have a nervous

breakdown.

It's my kidney medicine.

Okay, great. Of course.

We are going to introduce a whole new generation of drinkers to Sherry. Sherry

won't just be for Grandma anymore.

Well, not mine anyway. She's dead. Thank God. The money that woman spent on

Swedish erotica.

We do recommend that you update the logo of your trade organization, however, as

part of the general overhaul.

Advisable. Well, wonderful, Stephen.

We'll report to the rest of the Sherry Society and look forward to seeing you

all at the launch event this weekend.

Great. Here, here. Thank you very much.

We hit the bars tonight? We gonna tear it up?

If you consider doing market research surveys tearing it up, then sure. No

reason two single guys can't mix business with a little boom -boom and

-zoom, am I right?

Not usually, no.

What are you doing tonight?

What's that mean?

Casual inquiry into your evening plans?

Sorry, I'm not turning into a shut -in, am I? I'm not gonna die alone in my

apartment with Cap beating my face.

No, no, no.

You don't have cats.

Thank you.

Hey, how's it going?

What's up?

An uncomfortably forced casual greeting.

Am I getting fired?

No. Are you? Is the job open? Am I being considered?

No. I'm just checking in.

Hey, do you remember how you would always invite me to go out with you and

friends? Yeah.

You were always too busy.

Yeah, that was a really busy period. But time has passed, so I thought maybe we

could go out together sometime.

Awesome. What about tonight? My friends and I are meeting at Pretentia. It's

ironically self -aware.

I'll be there. What time? Normal time, like 11.

11? I know it's early, but if you get there too late, there's a line.

Great. I can't wait.

So, on what occasion do you think you might order a glass of sherry? I don't

know. Maybe if I was on a boat.

Okay.

Why a boat?

I don't know. Maybe sherry is all I have.

It's a sherry boat.

I don't know why I'm giving all this information for free.

In case you didn't catch that, that guy's weird.

And yet he has a super hot girlfriend.

Is she, like, stored in parts in his freezer?

What are you drinking?

What are you pouring?

Whatever you're having.

You're enjoying this banner, but I eventually have to order, don't I? I'll

have a beer.

Okay.

On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the appeal of Sherry?

I'd give it, like, a three.

Oh, really? I'd give you both tens.

All right, how would you rate the appeal of me in this shirt?

Would you like more banter with your beer? Actually, I would love to ask you

some questions about Sherry.

Okay. All right? What is your name?

What does that have to do with Sherry? Oh, you'll see. I'm going to tie it all

in very artfully by the end. I'm Gwen.

I'm Alec.

I'd rate you an 11, but they only let us go to 10.

Anyways, after a year in Italy, all of the cherub paintings started to blur

the pink stew.

So I switched my dissertation to conceptual art. So now you're writing

some guy who just made a giant sandwich out of lint. Actually, it's a giant

mouth out of gum.

I can't tell if you're serious or not. I can't either.

Hey, how many did you get?

Six phone numbers, one dinner date, and an invitation to dry hump in the alley.

25 if you meant service.

Did you really get six numbers?

How do you do that? I use a simple mnemonic.

Alpha male.

Alpha. Always be confident.

Love yourself.

Project confidence.

Have confidence.

Always be confident.

Male. Make yourself confident. I get it, I get it. And this works for you?

Chicks don't want a guy who's all, I read an article in the New Yorker and it

really shed some light.

I want to hit and run due to shark attacks.

Bam! Excuse me.

He's right. What is sexier than a shark attack?

Everything. Is it 11 o 'clock already? I still have three hours of work left to

do. And in other news, I'm very late.

Well, maybe I'll see you at the Sherry launch event this weekend.

I'll be here.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Take care.

What? I hid in the wizard hut and went to go get some snacks.

Just have Crow Jar kill the Shambling Mountain with his trident.

Greg? Hey!

Hi.

One second.

Hey. On your way to see the Sultan, or is it hammer time?

Yeah, well, they're comfortable, and they let things move and breathe down

there. I don't need to know. What are you doing? Look, a few nights a week, I

say I'm working late so I can have some private time.

No boss, no wife, no kids. I can wear what I want, I can eat what I want, and

play Lord Zalor.

Where are you sleeping here? I am waiting to meet Emma and her friends at

at 11. What am I doing? I could just go home.

No, no.

You know what I'd give? Go out. I met my wife when I was 18.

I've never danced on a bar or done shot races or threw up out a car window.

I mean, I have, but not the fun way. Go.

And dance and party.

Maybe experiment with another girl in the bathroom.

Go.

Oh, we're so gray.

We laugh, we talk, we brag.

Drink some more.

How was the crowd?

Was there dancing?

Are people still crunk or is it mostly like a rave style?

I don't know. I mostly did like a freestyle thing. That was my style. I

an operatic version of a Lil Wayne song. There was karaoke.

No. Morning party, buddy.

Hey. Sorry if my hey doesn't come with an exclamation point. I'm a little

hungover. Oh, me too.

My God, your friends are such a hoot. I cannot wait to see that band tonight

with you guys. Oh, you're coming.

I didn't know you liked Funktronica. I will.

Once I Google what it is.

Hey.

Man, I am so hungover.

At least I won't be dying alone in my apartment being eaten by cats.

You'll be dying drunk in an alley eaten by cats. Congratulations on that. I

thought you'd be more excited for me.

I'm getting back out there. It's kind of a big deal. I am. I'm sorry. It's just

you're not the only one who had a good night. I met this unbelievable woman at

the bar.

So pretty and funny and smart. Just...

One of those instant chemistry things, you know?

I'm sorry, is this uncomfortable? I thought we were past the whole jealousy

thing. No, it's just that this would be the place in a movie trailer where I

would decide not to see the movie, but continue.

This girl Gwen and I, we just really hit it off, you know?

Gwen? How Gwen?

We just fell into this rhythm immediately. It's like we were finishing

other's fun bags.

Tell you about the bartender from last night?

Banging body, right?

Totally into me. Give me your number, I'm gonna hit that.

Oh! She thought you were nice.

Oh, look, wait.

It's not possible.

No, there's no way that Gwen preferred Dan to me. I'm not an arrogant man, but

I'm a decent catch, right? I mean, she gave Dan her number? Dan?

The guy has a tattoo that says Dan.

Well, she said you were nice, so maybe you were too nice.

How's being nice a problem?

Nice is good. Nice is nice. Nice is a kiss of death.

Nice means women will walk all over you and not in the good way. You know, in

stilettos on your naked torso.

Let me tell you what my father told me in a moment of lucidity. Women are like

simple village in Gaul, just waiting for the Romans to sweep in and lay aqueduct

through their tangled fat.

What? He's saying some women want a man who takes control.

It's true. So what are you saying? Women prefer a man who just orders them

around? No and yes.

Unfortunately, it's impossible to explain.

But John Cusack would explain that.

Well, look, John knows Zach.

All right, Cusack's a myth.

Trust me, I know from experience.

Dating outside a girl's window with a boom box only results in someone

a cup of urine on you.

So, Alex, if you're not using your testicles, why not pop them in a padded

envelope and post them to someone who will?

Finally, Dad, how's our new Sheriff's Society logo coming along? Shipper than

crap.

Boom, huh?

The lightning fart was my idea.

You know, like high energy, electric.

No, try again. Something a little less goose -steppy. Fine.

Ha! I thought the little bartender texted.

Must be the meter after her shift.

Give it up!

Unbelievable. Dude, you missed it.

Oh, yeah.

I'm texting it. It's that way. Well, maybe they have chemistry.

No, it's not possible.

You understand? They're like argon and venon.

Noble gases. They can't bond. Am I the only one who took high school chemistry?

Let's see here.

Ah, last time you said you would have sherry on a boat.

Would you care to elaborate on that?

No, your thing must be wrong.

I've never drank sherry on a boat.

Are you sure you said a boat?

Nope. Alex?

Well, hey.

How you doing? I'm just here doing a little Sherry follow -up. Well, I'm over

there with Dan if you want to join us when you're all finished.

Maybe like an old -timey train.

God, thank you. We're done here.

You sure I won't be intruding? No, not at all. No, I'm glad you came by. Oh,

yeah? Yeah. Me too. I really enjoyed talking to you the other night. Me too.

You are very cool. Oh, you too.

And that's why I want you to meet my friend Leslie.

Hi.

Leslie.

Hi. Dude, she is hilarious.

Oh, I love the tape. It's probably the best I ever saw.

My favorite is the Uffizi in Florence.

You know, in high school, Florence showed me her Uffizi under the

It's a museum.

Did you know that Gwen was going for her Ph .D. in art history?

I did not. What have you guys been talking about? Mutual interest? Common

systems? What? Actually, Dan was telling me about the dream he had. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. So I'm working out, but instead of my head, it's a ham.

A ham?

And you found that to be interesting?

I don't know. Yeah. I thought I was the ham around here.

Leslie, do that bit you do in your act. Oh, no. No, no. She does stand -up. It's

awesome. Okay.

It's like you're sleeping on a Sunday, and all of a sudden it's like...

my neighborhood that's exactly like this all right gwen we're going dancing

let's go you two have fun oh and don't get me

started about cat ducking thing no no they they make that noise

She left with him. It makes no sense. Ouch.

I don't care. I'm not giving up. No way. Oh, so you're going to go mano a mano

with Dan for a girl? Yes, to restore the cosmic order.

Leslie and Dan belong together, okay?

Gwen and I have everything in common. You know what? That's it. No more, Mr.

Nice Guy. I don't care. I'm taking control here. I'm going to win. I'm

be like a man winning.

Oh, hey, man.

Look, sorry we cut out on you last night to go dancing, but I'll tell you,

though, that Gwen has boo.

So do I.

So, last night, didn't get wild? Oh, let me tell you. You did.

There was a kamikaze shopping.

Yes. Yes. And I tried to punch a bartender. It's fine. I gave him 50

to smash my windshield. Oh, God.

I made out with a hipster in a woolly cap. Random stranger makeout. Always

wanted to do that. Oh, he was cute.

Wish I had gotten his name.

Oh, it's Todd.

Jenny's boyfriend.

Oh. Now, ex -boyfriend.

What a jerk.

Well, if it makes any difference, he really was not that interesting once you

got past his body.

Super psyched about tomorrow's party, party buddy.

Also psyched, party buddy.

Helen is psychotic. End this.

What? End what? You know, I was excited to hang out with the only executive here

I think is cool, but she drinks too much. She wants to stay out all night.

and she overshares. Her benign uterine fibroid does not sparkling conversation

make. I thought you said you were having a fun time.

She's my boss.

Well, what am I supposed to do? I don't know. Think of something. Tell her I

have some contagious skin disease.

She'll never believe that. My skin's flawless.

Come up with something or I tell Stephen that you shave your back in his private

bathroom at night.

I just really feel like her job performance is suffering. I mean,

was so tired that I started trying to figure out how to post it.

So, I mean, maybe you could cool it with socializing with Emma.

Uh -huh.

So she can, you know... Work more efficiently?

Exactly.

Did Emma put you up to this?

No.

No!

Yeah.

You're a bot.

Yeah, I'm also her super fun friend.

Aren't I?

You're too fun.

There, I'm sorry.

I said it.

That means I'm not fun. No, it means that you're so much fun, it's more than

anyone can... Fine.

She's out.

You're going to be my date for the Sherry launch.

Shut the front door. So lace up your shoes, get your glove, grab your ball,

get in the game. Yeah.

Bowling metaphor.

I was doing a baseball one. Yeah.

Baseball metaphor.

Emma, I can see you.

The web releases went out. The press is here. The photographer's asking when she

can get a faux -candid shot of John Mayer or some other famous, talentless

person drinking sherry.

Well, that's a Helen question. I don't know.

Well, apparently Helen is too busy to answer my question.

Jerry bombs away!

What the hell is she doing?

Overcompensating for psychological problems.

Or she is the greatest partier of all time. I don't know.

Well, if you'll excuse me.

This woman over there waiting to be overwhelmed by my opposite of nightmare.

Where are you going? Going to talk to Gwen?

No, no, no.

Wait, are you going to talk to Gwen?

Uh, maybe. Yeah, dude, no offense, but she's not your speed. Well, how do you

know what my speed is? Maybe I'm a Ferrari.

Maybe I'm a Learjet. Maybe I'm a pronghorn.

It's a very fast thing to go.

Whatever. Don't you have a job to do?

Go get John Mayer a sherry gatini or a sherry galata or whatever it is we're

doing here. Go.

No. It's a freak dance.

You need to go down like this. And then you come up like this.

And then I go like this.

Okay. Dad, why don't we take a breather? No. We can breathe when we're dead.

Can I get you anything?

I'll take a Scotch Rocks and your phone number.

You want my phone number? Yes, right here in this napkin, please.

Here's a pen.

You know what? You have a pen. Use your own damn pen.

I'm sorry if that's not great. Actually, no, I'm not sorry. Sorry.

Oh, I'm talking. What's over there?

It's just Dan. He hasn't said hello to me all night.

Probably playing his little head games with you.

I'm not into that.

Oh, I think you like head games.

I think you like tending them, don't you?

And what else do I like?

I'll tell you what we like. We like being told what you like by a man who

what you want and what he wants. And I want you, Glenn, and I mean it, right

now.

Want to go make out?

Okay. Yeah.

Now? Mm -hmm.

What are you doing over here?

I'm hiding from Greg.

Last time I checked, he was dancing on the bar in his box.

Oh, well, you might want to stay here because the boxers have gone AWOL.

Grandma, I'm so sorry.

I now understand what it's like to be run ragged by a needy breakfast who

finally gets a night out.

It's okay.

I mean, I'm sure I'm not always the best companion.

Although I probably am. Look, I know we don't have much in common, so it's fine

if you don't want to hang out. I'll be relieved to go back to watching Warders.

Are you kidding? I love that show. Wait, please tell me you've seen

Intervention. It's total depravity. Uh, hello, season pass on Tivo.

Isn't that hot?

It's so hot. Yeah.

Should we move away from the garbage?

Who cares?

Seriously, maybe we should go back to my place, huh?

Maybe we should do it right here in the alley.

Is that what you want?

It's not what nice guys want. I know that.

Mostly it's a garbage -related issue.

Tell me how bad I am.

Call me up.

You are what you just did.

You really are.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't think I'm going to do that.

I mean, I would love for you to do that, but not here like this in an alley

where we barely know each other.

What happened to I want you now? I know. I think that was something I was crying

out, but I'm not a hump in the alley kind of person. I'm sorry.

Oh, but I am.

Well, it must be on some level. I mean, here we are. Because I kind of liked

you, and you were all, I want you now. I know.

I'm sorry.

I was trying to prove that I wasn't too nice.

Well, congratulations.

You're not nice at all.

Hey, stop.

I'm looking for you. Your friend's a douche.

What happened?

I manipulated her, I made out with her, and then I abruptly rejected her.

Dude, that's awesome.

No, no, really not, actually.

Man, you're too nice.

Oh, God, she kills me.

That's an actual car, you know that, right? How does she come up with this

stuff? It's a car.

She keeps lying about her bulimia. She is never going to get better.

Oh, another package for Mrs. Claypool.

Oh, you know that cupcake's coming back up. And the salami.

Helen Ryan?

Yeah? We're with Customs and Border Protection. We're investigating your

neighbor's involvement in the illegal smuggling of pharmaceuticals from

What? That was a scam?

Apparently, you've signed for these packages every Saturday night for the

six months. Wait a minute. That can't be right. Every Saturday night? Well,

things are totally different now. I used to watch Hoarders by myself. Now I

watch Intervention with my assistant.

Ah. Hurry up! Crackhead Boyfriend's about to propose!

I've seen this one. Have you met the toothless uncle yet?

Spoiler alert!

No.