All language subtitles for Fantasy Island s02e22 The Comic - The Golden Hour

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (SoranĂ®)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:18,380 --> 00:01:19,440 Good grief. 2 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:23,100 Boss, it's time to play You Bet My Face. 3 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,180 Try to guess who am I. 4 00:01:29,740 --> 00:01:30,740 Humphrey Bogart. 5 00:01:31,180 --> 00:01:33,500 Oh, boss, stop kidding around. 6 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:43,440 I worked months on my impression of Groucho Marx. 7 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:46,460 You know, for the big amateur show? 8 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:49,200 No. Don't you think it's too much? 9 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:50,680 Definitely. 10 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:52,200 Shall we greet our guests? 11 00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:29,640 Smiles, everyone. 12 00:02:30,140 --> 00:02:31,140 Smiles. 13 00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:38,980 Boss, look. 14 00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:41,800 It's Danny Baker, the famous comedian. 15 00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:43,400 He breaks me up. 16 00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:48,520 As a matter of fact, Mr. Baker is here for the holiday and also to be the 17 00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:51,920 of ceremonies for the big Fantasy Island amateur night show. 18 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:54,740 Does he have a fantasy? 19 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,480 No. But the young man with him does. 20 00:02:58,060 --> 00:03:02,360 He is Mr. Jerry Burton, and for the past eight years, he's been Mr. Baker's 21 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:08,640 writer. Wow, what a terrific job. Perhaps, but it's a long way from the 22 00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:10,660 excitement and warmth of the spotlight. 23 00:03:11,340 --> 00:03:16,360 Mr. Burton wants to step out of oblivion and into the center of the stage, where 24 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:21,000 he can fulfill his fantasy to be what his employer is, a star comic. 25 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:24,640 Boss, I don't think even you can help him. 26 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,520 Mr. Burton looks like a king -sized nothing. 27 00:03:33,900 --> 00:03:35,540 Miss Linda Larson. 28 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,600 She looks like a lady who can handle her own fantasy. 29 00:03:39,180 --> 00:03:40,520 Does she really need us? 30 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:45,060 She didn't come for herself, Tattoo. She's here to help her sister, Sandy. 31 00:03:45,980 --> 00:03:50,060 Sandy was well on her way to become a top fashion model until she was injured 32 00:03:50,060 --> 00:03:52,180 an automobile accident five years ago. 33 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:53,560 That's very sad. 34 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:55,180 Yes, it is, Tattoo. 35 00:03:55,770 --> 00:03:59,170 Her desire to live seemed paralyzed along with her legs. 36 00:03:59,370 --> 00:04:03,870 Until a year ago, when she began a pen pal relationship with a man in prison. 37 00:04:04,010 --> 00:04:09,030 His letters seemed to fill her with happiness and a desire to live and get 38 00:04:09,470 --> 00:04:10,870 What did the letters say? 39 00:04:11,190 --> 00:04:12,930 She never shared the contents, the truth. 40 00:04:13,310 --> 00:04:15,410 She never told her pen pal she was crippled. 41 00:04:15,610 --> 00:04:19,870 Then, three months ago, his letters stopped coming for some reason. And 42 00:04:19,870 --> 00:04:20,870 been depressed ever since. 43 00:04:21,290 --> 00:04:23,290 And that's why your sister brought her here? 44 00:04:23,590 --> 00:04:24,730 To cheer her up? 45 00:04:25,020 --> 00:04:26,020 Much more than that, Tattoo. 46 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:30,680 Sandy doesn't know it yet, but she's here to finally meet her pen pal, Mr. 47 00:04:30,740 --> 00:04:31,800 Michael Banning. 48 00:04:32,020 --> 00:04:34,480 But, boss, you said he was in prison. 49 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:36,920 Unfortunately, yes. Maximum security. 50 00:04:37,580 --> 00:04:42,260 And at this moment, he's being flown from a military prison in Japan to 51 00:04:42,260 --> 00:04:44,000 Leavenworth Prison in Kansas. 52 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:47,620 But, boss, how are you going to bring them together? 53 00:04:52,580 --> 00:04:53,580 My dear guests. 54 00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:55,640 I am Mr. Rock, your host. 55 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:57,960 Welcome to Fantasy Island. 56 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:26,090 And, uh... This is where we'll hold the amateur night show, Mr. Baker. 57 00:05:26,470 --> 00:05:29,630 I think you'll find our stage rather well -equipped. 58 00:05:30,850 --> 00:05:33,890 Yeah, everything looks okay, but I'm going to fix it up a little. You don't 59 00:05:33,890 --> 00:05:36,670 mind? Put some more speakers in the back of the house, will you? I want to make 60 00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:39,570 sure they hear me. And get some lights up front. Look how dark it is. 61 00:05:40,210 --> 00:05:41,770 What's with the schmuck to hang in here? 62 00:05:41,970 --> 00:05:43,530 It's going to block about four tables. 63 00:05:44,030 --> 00:05:48,050 Let's hear it for another great impression from the wonderful tattoo. 64 00:05:51,690 --> 00:05:53,230 Good evening, music lovers. 65 00:05:53,990 --> 00:05:59,350 Tonight I would like to play for you, for my first selection, one of my all 66 00:05:59,350 --> 00:06:02,950 -time favorites, the Beer Barrel Polka. 67 00:06:36,170 --> 00:06:37,109 Hey, that's great. 68 00:06:37,110 --> 00:06:40,850 Put a couple of lines about the shrimp in my act, huh? See you later. Bye, 69 00:06:40,870 --> 00:06:41,870 Roark. 70 00:06:44,350 --> 00:06:45,490 Uh, Tattoo? 71 00:06:49,430 --> 00:06:50,430 Tattoo? 72 00:06:50,610 --> 00:06:51,610 Yes, boss? 73 00:06:51,910 --> 00:06:53,910 I think that is sufficient. 74 00:06:54,210 --> 00:06:55,370 Thank you so much. 75 00:06:56,090 --> 00:06:57,610 It needs a lot of work, huh? 76 00:06:58,030 --> 00:06:59,290 Uh, well... 77 00:07:06,410 --> 00:07:07,950 Mr. Burton, why don't you have a seat? 78 00:07:08,370 --> 00:07:09,590 Oh, thank you. 79 00:07:12,250 --> 00:07:16,410 Danny Baker relies heavily on you, doesn't he? 80 00:07:17,490 --> 00:07:21,450 But I must say, he didn't seem unappreciative. No, not really, despite 81 00:07:21,450 --> 00:07:22,450 abrupt behavior. 82 00:07:23,130 --> 00:07:27,050 Are you sure you want to quit your job and become a stand -up comedian 83 00:07:27,730 --> 00:07:29,170 Sure than ever, Mr. Rourke. 84 00:07:29,570 --> 00:07:33,250 You see, Danny's planning to fire me next month when my contract runs out. 85 00:07:33,550 --> 00:07:37,250 Why should he want to fire you after, what is it now, eight years? Eight 86 00:07:37,250 --> 00:07:39,310 successful years together? 87 00:07:39,850 --> 00:07:44,030 Maybe because Danny's a comic and comics always resent their writers. 88 00:07:44,530 --> 00:07:46,670 You see, they think it's them that's funny, not the material. 89 00:07:47,410 --> 00:07:50,810 But whatever the reason, my time's running out and I need that fantasy 90 00:07:51,330 --> 00:07:54,070 I see. Now, would tomorrow night be quick enough for you? 91 00:07:54,370 --> 00:07:55,349 Tomorrow night? 92 00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:57,190 You got me a date that quick? 93 00:07:58,170 --> 00:08:00,450 Oh, that's great, Mr. Roar. 94 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:03,800 Yes, your first engagement as a stand -up comedian. 95 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:05,160 Yes. 96 00:08:05,260 --> 00:08:09,080 I've arranged for you to be the opening act at a small nightclub on the north 97 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:10,080 side of the island. 98 00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:18,220 It's a bar, actually, called the Bucket of Suds. 99 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:23,680 Its clientele consists mostly of workers from the pineapple plantation and off 100 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:24,680 -duty sailors. 101 00:08:24,860 --> 00:08:27,720 Heavy drinkers, but good laughers. 102 00:08:28,460 --> 00:08:29,840 Mr. Rourke, I'll take it. 103 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,220 And you don't know how grateful I am. 104 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:35,159 Fine. Then I'll tell them to expect you, huh? 105 00:08:35,419 --> 00:08:36,419 Great. 106 00:08:36,799 --> 00:08:42,179 Oh, if you'll excuse me, I got about nine pounds of jokes to write for Danny. 107 00:08:43,039 --> 00:08:44,480 At least I can leave him laughing. 108 00:08:45,260 --> 00:08:46,260 Thank you. 109 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,840 Mr. Rourke, your island is the most beautiful place I've ever seen. 110 00:09:04,060 --> 00:09:05,060 I am delighted. 111 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:10,540 Okay. Now do I find out why you brought me here, Linda? To cheer you up. 112 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,140 We're quite good at it, if you'll give us the chance. 113 00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:16,620 I'm sure you do, Mr. Rourke. 114 00:09:17,660 --> 00:09:19,600 I just wish I could cheer up. 115 00:09:19,940 --> 00:09:23,440 But I keep thinking of all the things I can't do anymore. 116 00:09:31,210 --> 00:09:36,230 Your sister's morale does seem very low, Miss Larson. I told you, Mr. Rourke. 117 00:09:36,430 --> 00:09:40,470 She's been like that since Mike Banning's letters stopped coming. I 118 00:09:40,470 --> 00:09:45,650 telling you I'm very skeptical. I mean, how can you possibly get Mike Banning 119 00:09:45,650 --> 00:09:47,190 out of prison and on this island? 120 00:09:47,530 --> 00:09:50,270 You must have faith, Miss Larson. 121 00:09:51,690 --> 00:09:53,090 This is Fantasy Island. 122 00:09:53,430 --> 00:09:54,430 Mayday, mayday. 123 00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:58,030 Pilot to tower. This is airport zebra whiskey zulu 2515. 124 00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:04,870 What's going on? What's happening? 125 00:10:05,410 --> 00:10:07,270 Lots of oil pressure in the starboard engine. 126 00:10:07,670 --> 00:10:09,350 Fuel pump's going on the port side. 127 00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:11,170 We're gonna have to set her down in the ocean. 128 00:10:11,390 --> 00:10:12,770 I'm gonna crash. Get me out of these. 129 00:10:13,270 --> 00:10:14,430 Mayday! Mayday! 130 00:10:14,690 --> 00:10:19,850 This is Air Force Zebra Whiskey Zulu 2515 calling anyone. 131 00:10:20,170 --> 00:10:21,210 Can you read us? 132 00:10:21,470 --> 00:10:23,770 Pilot to tower. Mayday! Mayday! 133 00:10:24,550 --> 00:10:29,050 Air Force Zebra Whiskey Zulu 2515. This is Fantasy Island. 134 00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:34,140 You are approximately 40 miles northwest of us on a bearing of 320 degrees. 135 00:10:34,380 --> 00:10:37,680 We have an emergency landing strip on the south end of the island. 136 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:39,880 Please alter your heading to 160. 137 00:10:40,260 --> 00:10:42,060 I repeat, 160. 138 00:11:08,490 --> 00:11:11,910 10 knot crosswind out of the east. We're now turning on final approach. 139 00:11:12,170 --> 00:11:13,370 Wheels down and locked. 140 00:11:13,830 --> 00:11:16,010 Zebra, Whiskey, Zulu, you're coming in too hot. 141 00:11:16,330 --> 00:11:17,069 Throttle back. 142 00:11:17,070 --> 00:11:18,070 Throttle back. 143 00:12:07,629 --> 00:12:10,790 Gentlemen, I am Mr. Roark. Welcome to Fantasy Island. 144 00:12:11,030 --> 00:12:12,030 Well, thank you, sir. 145 00:12:12,730 --> 00:12:15,710 My name's Victor Grennan. I'm a federal marshal. This is my prisoner. 146 00:12:16,030 --> 00:12:18,650 You got someplace I can lock him up while they're getting the plane fixed? 147 00:12:19,570 --> 00:12:21,350 Does your prisoner have a name? 148 00:12:21,910 --> 00:12:24,390 Yeah. Mike Banning, Mr. Roark. 149 00:12:26,750 --> 00:12:29,350 Like I was saying, where can I lock him up? 150 00:12:29,650 --> 00:12:32,110 Nowhere, Marshal, uh... Grennan. 151 00:12:32,790 --> 00:12:35,930 Marshal Grennan. I'm afraid not only can you not lock him up... 152 00:12:36,190 --> 00:12:38,110 I'll have to ask you to remove the restraining belt. 153 00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:42,430 Oh, but you have nothing to worry about. There is no escape from the island. 154 00:12:42,750 --> 00:12:45,750 Look, he's my prisoner, and I'll chain him to the plane if I have to. 155 00:12:46,790 --> 00:12:51,010 Please, Marshal Grennan, this is my island. 156 00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:53,070 I am the law here. 157 00:12:53,570 --> 00:12:54,890 The only law. 158 00:13:00,490 --> 00:13:01,730 You listen to me, punk. 159 00:13:02,730 --> 00:13:05,790 I have never lost a prisoner, and you're not going to be number one. 160 00:13:07,670 --> 00:13:10,890 Try getting off this island, you're going to get yourself killed. 161 00:13:20,790 --> 00:13:25,650 When you hear the chance to change, there's someone on the island you might 162 00:13:25,650 --> 00:13:26,650 to see. 163 00:13:26,850 --> 00:13:28,630 I don't think I know anybody on this island. 164 00:13:29,810 --> 00:13:31,770 I'm referring to Miss Sandy Larson. 165 00:13:36,580 --> 00:13:38,360 Your pen pal, you remember? 166 00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:43,100 Yeah. 167 00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:46,780 Is she here? 168 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:53,080 Sandy. 169 00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,960 Yes, she's here. On a little vacation. 170 00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:02,740 I'd prefer not to see her. 171 00:14:03,220 --> 00:14:05,440 Well, that's surprising, since the two of you... 172 00:14:05,900 --> 00:14:08,220 Have corresponded for over a year and haven't met. 173 00:14:08,580 --> 00:14:13,080 Yeah, well, it was all right for a while, but I had my reasons, and I don't 174 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,080 them anymore. 175 00:14:14,740 --> 00:14:17,620 I think you know how that is. 176 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:18,960 No, I don't. 177 00:14:20,780 --> 00:14:22,100 Perhaps you should tell me. 178 00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:25,140 Well, in prison, they take away all your privacies. 179 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:28,900 They search you down to your underwear. They go through all your mail, incoming 180 00:14:28,900 --> 00:14:29,900 and outgoing. 181 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:34,660 And in the outgoing, I'd slide in all those little niceties and live good. 182 00:14:35,070 --> 00:14:37,570 Do good, be good. To impress the board. 183 00:14:37,830 --> 00:14:38,449 I see. 184 00:14:38,450 --> 00:14:40,830 I was up before the board about three months ago. 185 00:14:41,530 --> 00:14:45,390 As you can see, they're not exactly taking me to the Mardi Gras. 186 00:14:45,950 --> 00:14:46,950 No, they're not. 187 00:14:47,790 --> 00:14:52,550 I see. Then her letters meant nothing at all to you. 188 00:14:52,830 --> 00:14:53,850 Well, some, yeah. 189 00:14:54,090 --> 00:15:00,490 She's good people. It's just that... I think you should see Miss Larson anyway. 190 00:15:01,230 --> 00:15:02,129 Oh, really? 191 00:15:02,130 --> 00:15:03,130 Really. 192 00:15:03,590 --> 00:15:04,590 If not... 193 00:15:05,870 --> 00:15:12,590 A fuel pump to fix your airplane's engine might conveniently be 194 00:15:12,590 --> 00:15:14,050 found in the next few minutes. 195 00:15:16,010 --> 00:15:18,090 That's how it goes, huh? That's how it goes. 196 00:15:20,950 --> 00:15:21,950 Agreed? 197 00:15:22,350 --> 00:15:23,590 Looks like I have no choice. 198 00:15:44,140 --> 00:15:45,380 Where would you like your sandwiches, sir? 199 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:52,340 One thing about Mr. Rourke. 200 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:54,540 He has a great man at his side. 201 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:59,040 Tattoo. Tattoo has to be at his side because if he stood in front of him, 202 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,040 talk into his knee. 203 00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:02,720 Talk into his knee. That's terrific. 204 00:16:03,260 --> 00:16:04,219 Oh, thank you. 205 00:16:04,220 --> 00:16:06,260 Hey! I never touched you. 206 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:07,660 Jerome Bertinowski. 207 00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:08,900 What? 208 00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:11,380 Jerome Bertinowski, Miss Henning's French class. 209 00:16:12,390 --> 00:16:13,610 Erasmus Dinowitz High? 210 00:16:14,650 --> 00:16:15,650 It's me. 211 00:16:15,910 --> 00:16:17,730 Mary Margaret Doyle. 212 00:16:18,430 --> 00:16:19,430 Say, too? 213 00:16:19,670 --> 00:16:20,670 Very more? 214 00:16:20,950 --> 00:16:23,970 Is it really you, Mademoiselle Doyle? 215 00:16:24,210 --> 00:16:25,430 It's me. Oh, 216 00:16:26,790 --> 00:16:30,570 but I can't believe it's you. You look so distinguished. 217 00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:33,010 Oh, merci beaucoup. 218 00:16:33,270 --> 00:16:37,090 I mean, back in high school, you were always so shy and everything. 219 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:41,780 It's a year. You're always hunched over with your face in that book bag. 220 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,680 Well, that's because I was very sensitive about my braces. 221 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:49,400 I had so much wire in my mouth, I couldn't even talk during an electrical 222 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:53,620 That's right. They used to call you a... A metal mouth. A metal mouth. Right. 223 00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:55,760 Oh. 224 00:16:56,420 --> 00:16:57,680 And remember what they called me? 225 00:16:57,920 --> 00:16:58,920 Skinny. Skinny. 226 00:17:00,740 --> 00:17:05,000 Skinny, skinny Mary Doyle has a bill like olive oil. 227 00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:10,040 I filled out. 228 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:12,560 Mary, 229 00:17:12,819 --> 00:17:19,800 if I knew you were going to turn out so great, I probably would 230 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:21,700 have taken my head out of my book bag a little early. 231 00:17:22,980 --> 00:17:23,980 Sit down, please. 232 00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:29,960 Gosh. I always thought you were so funny. 233 00:17:31,620 --> 00:17:34,560 You must feel real proud about writing for a big star like Danny Baker. 234 00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:35,880 You know what I do? 235 00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:36,900 Are you kidding? 236 00:17:38,030 --> 00:17:40,850 I mean, you always said you were going to write Broadway plays, and I guess 237 00:17:40,850 --> 00:17:41,829 you've even done that. 238 00:17:41,830 --> 00:17:42,830 Not yet. 239 00:17:45,930 --> 00:17:47,550 Mary, I'm going to stop writing for Danny. 240 00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:51,350 I'm going to be a stand -up comic on my own. No more Invisible Man. 241 00:17:51,650 --> 00:17:52,650 Well, that's terrific. 242 00:17:53,250 --> 00:17:55,910 I mean, if that's what you want to do, I'm sure you're going to make it. 243 00:17:56,410 --> 00:17:58,570 You always were talented and a hard worker. 244 00:17:59,910 --> 00:18:01,390 Could I come watch your act? 245 00:18:01,990 --> 00:18:03,110 I'd laugh like anything. 246 00:18:03,410 --> 00:18:04,650 Yeah, sure, of course. 247 00:18:08,430 --> 00:18:11,690 Golly, but right now I've got to deliver these jokes to Danny. 248 00:18:14,230 --> 00:18:17,570 But listen, we'll talk about this later, okay? 249 00:18:18,070 --> 00:18:19,070 Okay. 250 00:18:19,290 --> 00:18:21,310 Wonderful to see you again, Mary Margaret. 251 00:18:25,550 --> 00:18:26,550 Au revoir. 252 00:18:27,610 --> 00:18:28,610 Au revoir. 253 00:18:59,310 --> 00:19:00,310 Oh, Sandy. 254 00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:02,390 Mike. 255 00:19:02,770 --> 00:19:03,890 There you are in the flesh. 256 00:19:05,450 --> 00:19:07,550 You're taller than I thought you'd be. 257 00:19:07,930 --> 00:19:08,930 Oh, yeah. 258 00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:11,890 When I told you how tall I was in one of those letters, you remember? 259 00:19:12,630 --> 00:19:14,110 That's right. I remember now. 260 00:19:14,470 --> 00:19:15,470 Yeah. 261 00:19:15,710 --> 00:19:17,150 You're prettier than I thought you'd be. 262 00:19:17,810 --> 00:19:18,970 Oh, well, thank you. 263 00:19:21,890 --> 00:19:23,950 Are you finished dating? 264 00:19:25,470 --> 00:19:26,470 Look it down. 265 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:29,040 Take a walk if you want. Talk someplace in private. 266 00:19:29,580 --> 00:19:30,580 No. 267 00:19:30,820 --> 00:19:32,200 No, this is fine. 268 00:19:41,460 --> 00:19:43,640 I thought the two of you might want to move around. 269 00:19:45,420 --> 00:19:47,720 Mr. Rourke, how could you? 270 00:19:50,100 --> 00:19:52,180 It doesn't make any difference, Mr. Banning. 271 00:19:57,159 --> 00:19:59,100 No. Well, then why don't you help the lady? 272 00:19:59,580 --> 00:20:00,640 I don't need any help. 273 00:20:11,380 --> 00:20:13,040 I don't want to go back to my bungalow. 274 00:20:13,540 --> 00:20:16,220 Oh, I suggest that our lagoon is much prettier. 275 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:20,520 Why don't you take Miss Larson there? It's okay. I don't want to go. I think 276 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:21,860 should, Miss Larson. 277 00:20:22,580 --> 00:20:23,660 I don't need any help. 278 00:20:24,110 --> 00:20:27,250 I wasn't going to help. I was just going to put my hands on the handles so it 279 00:20:27,250 --> 00:20:28,250 looked like I was helping. 280 00:20:40,850 --> 00:20:43,990 And there you are, my dear. It'll be $1 .80. 281 00:20:45,070 --> 00:20:47,390 Oh, you... You look gorgeous, honey. 282 00:20:47,610 --> 00:20:50,570 That's a terrific suitless bathing strap you almost have on. 283 00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:53,850 You better hide in the woods before the border health closes your body. 284 00:20:54,350 --> 00:20:56,010 There you go. 285 00:20:56,390 --> 00:20:58,390 Hey, isn't this fun, playing in the woods? 286 00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:00,850 Oh, Mr. Rourke. 287 00:21:01,210 --> 00:21:02,870 Tattoo. Glad you're here to see this. 288 00:21:03,430 --> 00:21:08,390 After I deliver these, I'm free. It's Arrivederci, Danny. Hello, my new 289 00:21:08,790 --> 00:21:11,650 Unfortunately, Mr. Burton, there is a slight problem. 290 00:21:12,250 --> 00:21:13,250 Problem? 291 00:21:14,860 --> 00:21:20,320 Apparently, the reputation of the bucket of suds wasn't as unjust as the 292 00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:21,320 proprietor claimed. 293 00:21:21,580 --> 00:21:24,240 It seems they had a brawl there a few hours ago. 294 00:21:24,460 --> 00:21:29,380 Now, the proprietor apologized profoundly and requested a 30 -day delay 295 00:21:29,380 --> 00:21:33,360 opening. Apparently, that's the sentence he'll receive for assault with intent 296 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,160 to commit great bodily harm. 297 00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:37,660 Naturally, I told him to forget the whole thing. 298 00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:43,140 But, Mr. Rourke, what am I going to do now? I mean, you promised me my fantasy. 299 00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:48,260 And you shall have it, Mr. Burton. You shall have it. I have booked you as part 300 00:21:48,260 --> 00:21:49,880 of the amateur show tomorrow night. 301 00:21:50,300 --> 00:21:55,020 You will be seen not only by the audience, but by several booking agents 302 00:21:55,020 --> 00:21:56,020 have promised to attend. 303 00:21:56,260 --> 00:21:57,260 That's terrible. 304 00:21:57,420 --> 00:21:58,319 I beg your pardon? 305 00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:02,660 Mr. Rourke, Danny is the emcee of that thing. When he sees me up there, he'll 306 00:22:02,660 --> 00:22:06,620 slice me to ribbons. Believe me, he has a master at that. I have seen him tear 307 00:22:06,620 --> 00:22:07,620 comics apart. 308 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:11,180 I wouldn't stand a chance against him. 309 00:22:12,260 --> 00:22:14,600 It's just... Too good at putting people down. 310 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:16,180 Does that mean you are refusing? 311 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:21,440 If you'll excuse me, I better get these jokes to him. 312 00:22:24,460 --> 00:22:26,100 Boss, what's wrong with him? 313 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:29,140 I thought his fantasy was to become a comic like Danny Baker. 314 00:22:29,500 --> 00:22:33,900 It takes more than desire to fulfill any fantasy, my friend. The element of 315 00:22:33,900 --> 00:22:37,420 courage is indispensable to the realization of any dream. 316 00:22:37,700 --> 00:22:40,380 Folks, folks, if I can have your attention, please, everybody. 317 00:22:40,740 --> 00:22:41,980 Please, attention, everybody. 318 00:22:42,820 --> 00:22:46,600 As you know, tomorrow night is our big amateur talent show. 319 00:22:46,820 --> 00:22:50,800 And I want you all to be there. Because I'm going to be there, and I hate to 320 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:51,800 work alone. 321 00:22:52,180 --> 00:22:55,860 And just to give you a sample of the fun we're going to have tomorrow night, I'd 322 00:22:55,860 --> 00:22:58,120 like to read you some of my latest ad libs. 323 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:03,180 Oh, but first, hey, let's have a big hand for our Mr. Rourke, huh? 324 00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,540 And how about a pinky for tattoo? 325 00:23:11,500 --> 00:23:15,260 Oh, that too, too. He really is something else, let me tell you. You 326 00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:18,700 Rourke wanted to give him his fantasy, but it was a little hard to shrink down 327 00:23:18,700 --> 00:23:19,700 Raquel Welch. 328 00:23:21,420 --> 00:23:25,240 Then he tried dehydrating Dolly Parton, but that was a bust, too. 329 00:23:27,460 --> 00:23:29,300 A bust, you know, a bust. 330 00:23:42,510 --> 00:23:48,150 Since you didn't know about this thing, why'd you stop writing? 331 00:23:49,670 --> 00:23:50,910 Well, Renna, things are the same. 332 00:23:51,690 --> 00:23:52,850 I don't believe you. 333 00:23:54,590 --> 00:23:55,910 We were at it for a year. 334 00:23:57,130 --> 00:23:58,530 I got bored, you know. 335 00:23:59,630 --> 00:24:01,190 Bored of my mother for as a year old. 336 00:24:02,430 --> 00:24:04,510 Your letters didn't sound like you were bored. 337 00:24:04,950 --> 00:24:07,890 You know, if I wanted to, I could probably sell a wristwatch to anybody 338 00:24:07,890 --> 00:24:08,890 nothing on the inside. 339 00:24:09,550 --> 00:24:11,050 Your letters had insides. 340 00:24:11,630 --> 00:24:14,590 They weren't the letters of a game player. They were filled with feeling. 341 00:24:15,250 --> 00:24:21,010 But sharing a few fantasies with you about our making love is... 342 00:24:21,010 --> 00:24:27,870 Well, it's not very hard to do for a 343 00:24:27,870 --> 00:24:29,630 guy that's locked up. 344 00:24:30,350 --> 00:24:33,150 I don't care what anybody thinks. All I care about is getting out of prison. 345 00:24:33,990 --> 00:24:35,410 You know what's really sad? 346 00:24:36,770 --> 00:24:39,010 Here we are in person for the first time. 347 00:24:39,740 --> 00:24:42,040 All we can do is argue over what was. 348 00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:49,060 I guess I don't know why you wrote what you wrote, but I do know what your 349 00:24:49,060 --> 00:24:50,060 letters meant to me. 350 00:25:14,090 --> 00:25:18,350 Come on, get out of my way, short stroke. I got to see that boss of yours. 351 00:25:22,770 --> 00:25:25,490 And what is the meaning of this, Marshal? 352 00:25:25,950 --> 00:25:27,170 Everything's under control, huh? 353 00:25:27,770 --> 00:25:29,170 Nothing to worry about, right? 354 00:25:29,750 --> 00:25:32,050 Well, that's what you said, wasn't it, Mr. Big Shot? 355 00:25:34,250 --> 00:25:35,250 Approximately, yes. 356 00:25:37,350 --> 00:25:40,410 Well, then suppose you tell me where my prisoner is. 357 00:25:41,260 --> 00:25:44,340 I saw him with that crippled girl and now he's disappeared. 358 00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:51,400 But like I told you, he can't get off the island. 359 00:25:52,340 --> 00:25:57,040 Well, now I'm telling you, he's attempting escape and that's going to 360 00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:58,040 killed. 361 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:09,560 Speaking of drunks. 362 00:26:10,190 --> 00:26:12,930 What about the drunk that put a dime in the parking meter and said, Hey, what do 363 00:26:12,930 --> 00:26:13,930 you know? I weigh an hour. 364 00:26:14,010 --> 00:26:15,010 Hey! 365 00:26:16,850 --> 00:26:19,610 Oh, come on. How about a game of one -on -one? Oh, no. 366 00:26:19,970 --> 00:26:21,510 No, no. First rule of basketball. 367 00:26:21,990 --> 00:26:25,690 Never play with a girl taller than yourself. It's my ball. I'm going to 368 00:26:25,690 --> 00:26:26,690 and go. 369 00:26:26,870 --> 00:26:27,870 Sorry. 370 00:26:30,450 --> 00:26:36,830 I heard today that you turned down a performance that Mr. Rupp set up for 371 00:26:38,990 --> 00:26:41,730 I didn't know I was important enough to make the local gossip. 372 00:26:42,670 --> 00:26:47,870 Well, actually, nobody's talking about it. I just happened to ask Tattoo what 373 00:26:47,870 --> 00:26:49,390 was going on with your new career. 374 00:26:50,670 --> 00:26:51,730 Why do you want to know? 375 00:26:53,670 --> 00:26:55,510 Because... Because why? 376 00:27:01,070 --> 00:27:04,570 Because I like you, Jerome Bertanowski, and... 377 00:27:05,450 --> 00:27:09,030 And I remember how when you were a little kid, you were always kind of shy 378 00:27:09,030 --> 00:27:11,250 afraid. But it never stopped you. 379 00:27:12,070 --> 00:27:14,830 Not even when that big bully dared you to fight him. Remember? 380 00:27:17,210 --> 00:27:18,650 Maniac Malone. Right. 381 00:27:18,890 --> 00:27:20,870 Right. Was he mean. 382 00:27:21,490 --> 00:27:23,290 He used to go around biting dogs. 383 00:27:24,370 --> 00:27:27,930 Yeah, and you showed up in this huge pair of pants pulled up around your chin 384 00:27:27,930 --> 00:27:31,610 and you said, no hitting below the belt. 385 00:27:39,500 --> 00:27:40,500 So what's really the matter? 386 00:27:40,780 --> 00:27:41,940 Why won't you do it? 387 00:27:43,180 --> 00:27:44,180 I'm scared stiff. 388 00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:45,959 Of Danny. 389 00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:48,560 I know what he could do to me. Why put myself through it? 390 00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:50,640 Oh, I see. 391 00:27:50,860 --> 00:27:52,120 So you have changed then. 392 00:27:53,740 --> 00:27:56,360 When you were a kid, you would at least show up to face the bully. You won't 393 00:27:56,360 --> 00:27:57,420 even do that now, will you? 394 00:27:57,640 --> 00:27:58,680 Will you stop it already? 395 00:27:59,300 --> 00:28:01,160 He'd make a fool out of me in front of everybody. 396 00:28:01,860 --> 00:28:02,860 Not everybody. 397 00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:08,180 I wouldn't think of you as a fool no matter what happened or how it turned 398 00:28:11,210 --> 00:28:13,590 In fact, I'd be very proud of you. 399 00:28:16,190 --> 00:28:18,310 Suppose nobody laughed at my material. 400 00:28:19,670 --> 00:28:20,690 I'll laugh. 401 00:28:22,170 --> 00:28:27,110 Because I happen to think you're the funniest person in the whole wide world. 402 00:28:33,650 --> 00:28:35,750 And an excellent basketball player. 403 00:28:45,770 --> 00:28:47,590 You kiss much better without braces. 404 00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:21,620 I told you you was going to get yourself killed. 405 00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:40,840 Marshal Grennan! 406 00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:45,920 As I warned you, you have no jurisdiction on this island. You pull 407 00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:46,920 and it's murder. 408 00:29:47,460 --> 00:29:50,000 You will be treated and tried like a common criminal. 409 00:29:50,340 --> 00:29:53,320 Now, guys all over the world in prisons like to see you again, eh? 410 00:29:57,760 --> 00:29:59,720 I suggest you go back to your quarters. 411 00:30:07,480 --> 00:30:09,060 You can ride with me, Mr. Banning. 412 00:30:13,100 --> 00:30:14,100 Thanks, I owe you one. 413 00:30:15,690 --> 00:30:18,470 I believe you left Miss Larson in the middle of a conversation. 414 00:30:18,990 --> 00:30:21,270 Perhaps you should explain to her why you stopped writing. 415 00:30:27,070 --> 00:30:29,070 It's terrible. You had better do something quick. 416 00:30:29,330 --> 00:30:30,650 About what, Tommy? What happened? 417 00:30:31,050 --> 00:30:35,030 We were on a boat ride with Danny Baker, and the engine conked out. We swam 418 00:30:35,030 --> 00:30:37,370 ashore, but Danny can't swim, and he stuck out in the bay. 419 00:30:37,670 --> 00:30:40,170 But he's got a show to do tonight. No way. 420 00:30:42,650 --> 00:30:44,210 Well, there is only one answer. 421 00:30:44,570 --> 00:30:48,710 Instead of just a guest appearance, you will have to go on in Mr. Baker's place 422 00:30:48,710 --> 00:30:49,710 as MC tonight. 423 00:30:50,270 --> 00:30:51,710 Me? Yes. 424 00:30:52,530 --> 00:30:53,530 Tonight? 425 00:30:53,770 --> 00:30:55,770 Yes. I can't do that. 426 00:30:56,110 --> 00:30:59,190 Oh, well, of course you can. You can use the material that you wrote for Danny. 427 00:31:00,130 --> 00:31:03,610 Certainly. I will make an announcement and then call you at the proper moment. 428 00:31:04,350 --> 00:31:06,550 Mr. Oh, and Mr. 429 00:31:07,030 --> 00:31:09,550 Burton, break a leg. 430 00:31:12,959 --> 00:31:13,939 Break a leg? 431 00:31:13,940 --> 00:31:16,660 Yeah, that means good luck in show business. 432 00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:18,660 And boy, am I going to need it. 433 00:31:31,620 --> 00:31:32,680 What brings you back? 434 00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:34,940 Well, I got caught. 435 00:31:35,520 --> 00:31:37,500 I thought you had a right to know the truth. 436 00:31:38,460 --> 00:31:39,460 It doesn't matter. 437 00:31:40,420 --> 00:31:41,420 Yes, it does. 438 00:31:43,330 --> 00:31:45,210 Then I hassled one of the guards back in the prison. 439 00:31:45,730 --> 00:31:47,030 He had it in for me, see. 440 00:31:47,910 --> 00:31:50,310 Later on the laundry room at night, tried to do me in with his club. 441 00:31:50,910 --> 00:31:52,010 He's the one that got done in. 442 00:31:52,210 --> 00:31:57,530 Anyway, he told the brass, of course, that I started it, so they denied me 443 00:31:57,530 --> 00:31:59,630 parole and gave me another three years. 444 00:31:59,990 --> 00:32:01,110 What's that got to do with me? 445 00:32:01,770 --> 00:32:02,930 Well, it's got everything to do with you. 446 00:32:03,610 --> 00:32:06,590 You're a good girl, and I didn't want you to sit around for three years 447 00:32:06,590 --> 00:32:07,549 for those dumb letters. 448 00:32:07,550 --> 00:32:08,550 Dumb letters? 449 00:32:09,750 --> 00:32:11,130 I'll tell you about those letters. 450 00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:15,260 I was lying in bed, rotting away, waiting to die when that first letter 451 00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:18,540 Do I look like I'm lying in bed waiting to die right now? 452 00:32:19,660 --> 00:32:21,120 No. No, but nothing. 453 00:32:21,380 --> 00:32:24,560 What was it you said when you were writing all those positive things for 454 00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:26,440 censors? No one should give up. 455 00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:27,680 Play it straight. 456 00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:30,280 Find out where you fit in. Keep reaching higher. 457 00:32:30,700 --> 00:32:33,560 Well, maybe you didn't believe that stuff, but you sure convinced me. 458 00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:47,760 What are you trying to do, grind yourself? 459 00:32:48,020 --> 00:32:49,020 Let go of me! 460 00:32:49,900 --> 00:32:52,840 It's those dumb letters you wrote that gave me the idea to get in the pool. 461 00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:35,000 Well, you're a good swimmer. 462 00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:38,680 Those dumb letters had reason and purpose. 463 00:33:39,020 --> 00:33:44,380 You know, I fantasized long before I came to this island about you and me. 464 00:33:44,800 --> 00:33:49,040 I even thought that maybe my legs wouldn't matter to you. Wasn't that 465 00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:50,800 No, it wasn't. 466 00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:52,520 Don't move. 467 00:33:52,780 --> 00:33:53,780 Stay there. 468 00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:56,920 What are you doing? 469 00:33:57,240 --> 00:33:58,340 I'm good in the water. 470 00:33:58,560 --> 00:33:59,920 I fit in the water. 471 00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:02,880 But you said, keep reaching higher. 472 00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:04,660 Don't let anyone limit you. 473 00:34:05,140 --> 00:34:09,300 You said you'd hang in there and keep trying. 474 00:34:10,739 --> 00:34:16,659 You said with love in your heart and faith in your mind, you could do 475 00:34:17,060 --> 00:34:19,960 You said you were right. 476 00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:26,800 It's not bad for a girl who was lying there waiting to die when a dumb letter 477 00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:28,020 from a convict showed up. 478 00:34:29,780 --> 00:34:30,780 You know, 479 00:34:31,530 --> 00:34:34,909 It took a beautiful man to write those thousands of words. 480 00:34:40,590 --> 00:34:41,710 I'm not going for it. 481 00:34:42,929 --> 00:34:44,270 You did it, not me. 482 00:34:44,850 --> 00:34:45,850 I'm no hero. 483 00:34:46,310 --> 00:34:47,310 I'm no God. 484 00:34:48,449 --> 00:34:49,530 I don't want any credit. 485 00:34:50,130 --> 00:34:52,150 And I sure don't want any responsibility for you. 486 00:34:52,670 --> 00:34:53,670 So just forget it. 487 00:35:10,090 --> 00:35:14,110 let us give a fantastic welcome to Mr. Freddy Weller. 488 00:35:29,270 --> 00:35:35,510 I want to go to Fantasy Island, Fantasy Island, 489 00:35:35,690 --> 00:35:38,770 and let my desires run free. 490 00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:49,020 I want to go where there's nothing but fun, and I can become someone 491 00:35:49,020 --> 00:35:51,380 I've always wanted to be. 492 00:35:54,880 --> 00:36:01,480 I see me now on Fantasy Island, Fantasy Island, 493 00:36:01,660 --> 00:36:04,400 where everyone's smiling at me. 494 00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:15,420 With someone to fan me and someone to hand me. I drink when I want it as I lay 495 00:36:15,420 --> 00:36:17,380 beneath the coconut tree. 496 00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:25,680 Maybe Danny won't... Maybe Danny will show up. Maybe what... Maybe Danny will 497 00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:27,180 get back in time and I won't have to go on. 498 00:36:28,180 --> 00:36:30,160 Come on now. You're going to be great. 499 00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:37,760 Let's take a trip. 500 00:36:38,510 --> 00:36:44,890 To Fantasy Island Thank 501 00:36:44,890 --> 00:36:51,690 you so 502 00:36:51,690 --> 00:36:54,210 much, Mr. Weller. You see, I promised you a pleasant surprise. 503 00:36:54,530 --> 00:36:57,570 And now, to kick off our amateur contest... 504 00:36:57,870 --> 00:37:01,550 Your master of ceremonies for the evening is a young man who will be 505 00:37:01,550 --> 00:37:05,730 own comedy debut on our stage. I think you'll find him most amusing. 506 00:37:06,070 --> 00:37:10,310 It gives me great pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, to present to you Mr. Jerry 507 00:37:10,310 --> 00:37:11,310 Burton. 508 00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:17,080 Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, Mr. Rourke, and thanks to all of 509 00:37:17,240 --> 00:37:20,520 I'd just like to say right at the outset what a tremendous thrill it is to be 510 00:37:20,520 --> 00:37:24,380 working in a classy place like Fantasy Island, because most of the joints I 511 00:37:24,380 --> 00:37:28,240 in are very tough, and I'm talking tough here. I mean, I worked in a place that 512 00:37:28,240 --> 00:37:32,560 was so tough, the doorman used to shove you through the mail slot, just like 513 00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:35,480 that. And this place was tough. 514 00:37:35,700 --> 00:37:39,020 I said to the bartender in this place, I said, hey, I'm looking for a very cold 515 00:37:39,020 --> 00:37:41,540 martini. He showed me a dead Italian in a meat locker. 516 00:37:43,930 --> 00:37:46,810 Freezer. Excuse me. It was in a freezer. It wasn't in the meat locker. There. 517 00:37:46,870 --> 00:37:49,110 And the food in this place. 518 00:37:49,630 --> 00:37:51,970 Tough food. Tough. They had a thing there that they call. 519 00:37:55,170 --> 00:37:57,610 They call it a do -it -yourself ham sandwich. 520 00:37:58,170 --> 00:38:00,070 Loaf of bread and a live pig. 521 00:38:00,870 --> 00:38:03,290 Or a loaf of pig and a live bread. I don't remember which one. 522 00:38:03,530 --> 00:38:08,910 But I found a fly in my soup at this place. Had cement around its feet. 523 00:38:13,930 --> 00:38:14,930 Or asphalt. 524 00:38:14,970 --> 00:38:18,410 But this is tough. I mean, not as tough as this. 525 00:38:19,050 --> 00:38:23,610 But, ladies and gentlemen, the first contestant on the amateur night bill. He 526 00:38:23,610 --> 00:38:26,990 the one man on Fantasy Island with a one man band. 527 00:38:27,310 --> 00:38:28,470 Come on out here, John. 528 00:38:37,530 --> 00:38:39,230 We're gonna rock it everywhere. 529 00:38:40,030 --> 00:38:41,130 You were wonderful. 530 00:38:41,610 --> 00:38:43,150 Oh, sure. They loved me. 531 00:38:43,450 --> 00:38:44,450 That's why they didn't laugh. 532 00:38:45,190 --> 00:38:48,050 Mary, I can't get to them. I'm not funny. 533 00:38:48,650 --> 00:38:49,850 Not the way Danny is. 534 00:38:50,870 --> 00:38:52,790 There is only one Danny Baker. 535 00:38:53,990 --> 00:38:57,010 But there is also only one Jerry Burton. 536 00:38:58,370 --> 00:39:01,370 Don't try to do your material the way Danny would do it. 537 00:39:01,850 --> 00:39:02,850 Be yourself. 538 00:39:16,440 --> 00:39:17,460 Rock and roll. 539 00:39:21,800 --> 00:39:22,800 Boss, 540 00:39:24,960 --> 00:39:27,800 Danny Baker is back. He's gonna kill Jimmy. 541 00:39:32,860 --> 00:39:33,860 Thank you, Don. 542 00:39:34,980 --> 00:39:35,980 What's this? 543 00:39:36,020 --> 00:39:38,520 Looks like a knockwurst wrapped in a French flag. Who needs it? 544 00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:44,060 Hey, listen, folks, you know, Don is not a professional musician. 545 00:39:44,280 --> 00:39:49,080 He is actually a VIP, very important person. He's got 5 ,000 people under 546 00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:50,900 Mows lawns in a cemetery. 547 00:39:58,140 --> 00:40:01,620 Um, you all know Mr. Tattoo. 548 00:40:02,020 --> 00:40:03,020 He's a wonderful guy. 549 00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:06,680 So is Mr. Rourke. They gave me a big opportunity here tonight. 550 00:40:08,460 --> 00:40:09,460 And I'm blowing it. 551 00:40:12,720 --> 00:40:13,720 I'm sorry. 552 00:40:18,560 --> 00:40:21,760 Hey, Burton, do you know you happen to be my favorite comedian? 553 00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:23,400 Danny? 554 00:40:23,520 --> 00:40:24,520 Is that you? 555 00:40:24,680 --> 00:40:27,760 No, it's Fidel Castro, but since I shaved, nobody knows me. 556 00:40:28,380 --> 00:40:30,180 Of course it's me, silly, in the flesh. 557 00:40:31,380 --> 00:40:33,280 Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Danny Baker. 558 00:40:44,810 --> 00:40:46,550 I don't care about anything. I think you're hilarious. 559 00:40:46,790 --> 00:40:49,390 As a matter of fact, I was going to send you a fan letter. 560 00:40:50,930 --> 00:40:54,330 Why couldn't you send me a fan letter? Well, I didn't know how to spell... 561 00:40:54,330 --> 00:40:58,810 Listen, Danny, I'm not going to get into a battle of wits with you. 562 00:40:59,090 --> 00:41:01,630 Yeah, why not? Because I never fight an unarmed man. 563 00:41:02,750 --> 00:41:08,160 But seriously, folks... You have to admire a man like Danny Baker. He has 564 00:41:08,160 --> 00:41:11,760 probably the finest comedy mind in the world. That's true. 565 00:41:12,100 --> 00:41:13,860 Unfortunately, it happens to be in my head. 566 00:41:14,100 --> 00:41:17,980 Hey, Danny, come on. Isn't that true? Haven't I written all your lines for the 567 00:41:17,980 --> 00:41:18,839 last eight years? 568 00:41:18,840 --> 00:41:22,060 Well, I can't answer that right now. Why not? Because you didn't give me 569 00:41:22,060 --> 00:41:23,060 anything to say. 570 00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:27,500 But I don't need a writer to say this, kid. And this comes right from the gut. 571 00:41:27,780 --> 00:41:28,840 You make me sick. 572 00:41:30,990 --> 00:41:34,450 But seriously, Jerry, why don't you tell the folks what you really and truly 573 00:41:34,450 --> 00:41:39,250 think of me? I'd be glad to, Danny. I always look upon you as my melancholy 574 00:41:39,250 --> 00:41:40,990 baby. Your melancholy baby. 575 00:41:41,290 --> 00:41:43,650 Head like a melon, face like a collie. 576 00:41:47,430 --> 00:41:50,110 I'm making them laugh. No, we're making them laugh together. 577 00:41:50,390 --> 00:41:52,710 And we'll go on doing it this way. This is great. Hey. 578 00:41:53,040 --> 00:41:56,900 How about this fantasy island? Is this some terrific island? Some. And how 579 00:41:56,900 --> 00:42:01,180 this hotel? What a hotel. Listen, I wouldn't want to say the bellboys are 580 00:42:01,180 --> 00:42:04,440 -hungry, but when I ordered a deck of cards, they made 52 trips. 581 00:42:04,740 --> 00:42:05,740 52 trips. 582 00:42:06,400 --> 00:42:10,940 And the rooms, do you believe how small these rooms are? Small rooms. My room is 583 00:42:10,940 --> 00:42:11,940 so small. 584 00:42:12,040 --> 00:42:14,140 How small is your room? 585 00:42:14,380 --> 00:42:18,480 My room is so small, when you get into bed, the doorknob gets in there with 586 00:42:18,660 --> 00:42:20,860 You've got to go out in the hallway to check. 587 00:42:23,120 --> 00:42:25,540 is so small, even the mice are hunchbacks. 588 00:43:06,410 --> 00:43:07,590 There's something I have to tell you. 589 00:43:09,670 --> 00:43:11,190 Your letters did me good, too. 590 00:43:14,810 --> 00:43:16,770 You know, I've been bad since the day I was born. 591 00:43:18,950 --> 00:43:21,070 And after you, I started to straighten my act out. 592 00:43:21,730 --> 00:43:23,330 I stopped taking things from guys. 593 00:43:23,770 --> 00:43:25,210 I stopped intimidating people. 594 00:43:26,130 --> 00:43:29,330 That's what you call a model prisoner until that guard gave me that hassle. 595 00:43:29,790 --> 00:43:31,710 What happened back at the swimming pool? 596 00:43:32,530 --> 00:43:33,530 Why'd you leave me? 597 00:43:34,430 --> 00:43:35,470 You scared me. 598 00:43:37,210 --> 00:43:40,730 How? Well, you... You thought I did something great and I didn't. 599 00:43:41,770 --> 00:43:44,650 I mean, I'm not always faith -filled and strong. 600 00:43:45,850 --> 00:43:47,850 I can get weak and scared. 601 00:43:48,450 --> 00:43:49,910 You started to depend on me. 602 00:43:50,910 --> 00:43:54,830 I was afraid one day you'd turn to me and I couldn't deliver when you needed 603 00:43:54,830 --> 00:43:55,830 most. 604 00:43:57,650 --> 00:43:59,850 I needed you when you wrote that first letter. 605 00:44:00,970 --> 00:44:04,230 And I needed you desperately when you walked in here and sat down. 606 00:44:07,580 --> 00:44:09,640 You've always delivered what I needed you. 607 00:44:10,360 --> 00:44:15,120 Yeah, but don't you see all that... That fate stuff and reaching high and all 608 00:44:15,120 --> 00:44:19,180 that, that's... That came from inside me after I knew you. 609 00:44:19,960 --> 00:44:21,880 Don't you realize why I stopped writing you? 610 00:44:22,860 --> 00:44:24,360 Because I was falling in love with you. 611 00:44:27,980 --> 00:44:30,500 Those are the nicest words I've ever heard. 612 00:44:31,900 --> 00:44:33,140 I love you too. 613 00:44:35,950 --> 00:44:36,950 We won't have much of a chance. 614 00:44:39,030 --> 00:44:40,030 Don't we? 615 00:44:41,010 --> 00:44:42,990 A year ago, you didn't care about anybody. 616 00:44:43,790 --> 00:44:44,950 And I was a cripple. 617 00:44:45,970 --> 00:44:47,550 Now you tell me you love me. 618 00:44:48,250 --> 00:44:49,690 And I've taken a couple of steps. 619 00:44:50,570 --> 00:44:52,570 I'd say together we've done a great job. 620 00:44:54,390 --> 00:44:58,450 Do you... Do you have any idea how much I love you? 621 00:45:00,190 --> 00:45:01,670 I'm afraid I am losing you. 622 00:45:03,130 --> 00:45:04,670 Are you afraid right this minute? 623 00:45:08,600 --> 00:45:09,600 Neither am I. 624 00:45:10,900 --> 00:45:13,800 Can you imagine what we'll do when there's no mailman in the middle? 625 00:45:21,940 --> 00:45:22,940 Oh, 626 00:45:28,280 --> 00:45:29,280 thank you, Mr. Rourke. 627 00:45:29,900 --> 00:45:33,740 Three years should go by pretty fast as long as she's waiting for me. Oh, you 628 00:45:33,740 --> 00:45:34,960 may not have to wait three years. 629 00:45:35,720 --> 00:45:39,140 Information has come to light that the guard was responsible for the incident 630 00:45:39,140 --> 00:45:40,360 that prevented your parole. 631 00:45:40,620 --> 00:45:45,980 And they've sent another marshal from Japan to take you back for a new parole 632 00:45:45,980 --> 00:45:46,980 hearing. 633 00:45:49,320 --> 00:45:50,680 No more mailman. 634 00:46:06,800 --> 00:46:08,260 Learned a great lesson, Mr. Rourke. 635 00:46:08,580 --> 00:46:10,600 Never let tattoos set up your boat trips. 636 00:46:10,900 --> 00:46:12,540 You might not make it back to shore. 637 00:46:13,360 --> 00:46:17,500 But I'm really glad it happened, though. It made me realize that Jerry was more 638 00:46:17,500 --> 00:46:18,500 than just a kid. 639 00:46:18,800 --> 00:46:22,980 And if I let him go when his contract ran out, I'd be losing the best part of 640 00:46:22,980 --> 00:46:23,980 act. 641 00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:26,780 Goodbye, Mr. Rourke. Goodbye, Mr. Baker. 642 00:46:28,580 --> 00:46:32,400 Goodbye, Mr. Rourke. Thanks for me, too. Oh, a pleasure, Mr. Burton. Bye -bye. 643 00:46:32,720 --> 00:46:33,720 Goodbye. 644 00:46:43,660 --> 00:46:45,820 And thanks for making my fantasy come true, too. 645 00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:49,000 I guess I've been in love with Jerry since high school. 646 00:47:17,820 --> 00:47:21,720 Hush, now don't you cry. 647 00:47:24,620 --> 00:47:26,880 Hey, boss, how do you like it? 648 00:47:27,860 --> 00:47:33,580 Amazing. Tattoo, I take it back. That is the best Bing Crosby impersonation I 649 00:47:33,580 --> 00:47:34,680 have ever heard. 650 00:47:35,160 --> 00:47:37,160 Please sing some more. Please, please. 651 00:47:39,620 --> 00:47:45,540 Over in Killarney Many years ago 652 00:47:47,630 --> 00:47:54,310 My mother sang a song to me in tones so 653 00:47:54,310 --> 00:47:56,270 soft and mild. 49743

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.