Original subtitles

Do I understand you're graduating from something, Tattoo?

No, boss. It's a new science of printing diplomas.

For 50 bucks, I can make anybody a Ph .D. in anything they want.

You're running a diploma mill?

Well, boss, I thought they will bring some class to the island.

I'm running a special this week.

For ten bucks a piece, I can make you a bachelor degree.

Now, wait a minute.

You are making Chester a doctor?

Don't worry, boss.

He cannot practice yet. He still owe me 30 pounds of banana for his tuition.

Our guests are waiting for you.

Wait for me.

Smile, everyone.

Smile.

Ah, Mrs. Drusilla Roberts of Boston, Massachusetts.

Hmm, she looks familiar, but... Well, obviously you don't recognize her

a uniform and a helmet.

Don't tell me. She's Roddy Roberts.

The lead jammer on the Button Brothers.

I watch her on TV all the time.

I know, I know.

Yes, it is indeed Rowdy Roberts.

Hail far and wide as queen of the roller skaters.

I know what her fantasy is.

What? She wants to beat up Hooligan Hanratty without the referee stopping

Hooligan Hanratty?

Yes. She's Rowdy's worst enemy.

She's a terrible woman.

She skates for the Cleveland Commandos.

I see.

Well, I'm happy to say Rowdy wants something very different.

Her fantasy for the weekend is to be a lady, too.

Rowdy, a lady?

Yes, my friend.

You see, she believes her daughter's happiness depends on it.

Mr.

and Mrs.

Ted Garman. He's a man on his way up.

Perhaps destined for the very top.

As an assistant district attorney, he's made an enviable reputation.

Now his wife wants him to run for attorney general.

What's his fantasy?

Or is it hers?

Neither. It's the fantasy of Mr.

Joe Beck, the other gentleman.

You see, Lieutenant Garman was a platoon leader in Vietnam.

Now ex -Sergeant Beck has asked his lieutenant here to relive the most

experience of their lives.

The three days they spent in the jungle trying to escape from the Viet Cong.

Why will they want to go through that again?

Mr. Beck apparently has his reasons.

And Mr. Garman could hardly refuse when his old buddy put it to him as a matter

of life and death.

My dear guests, I am Mr. Rock, your host.

Welcome to Fantasy Island.

Oh, tattoo.

Thank you.

Oh, son of a gun. A gal could sure overdose on the calories around here.

Only if you drop the misses.

Just call me Rowdy. I've been a widow for 12 years now.

I can call you Rowdy. Your identity is top secret.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Now, Mrs. Roberts, are you enjoying yourself?

Well, Mr. Rourke, I'd enjoy myself a lot more if I could feel sure that I could

pass muster as a refined lady.

Pass muster? My daughter's marrying into a socially prominent family tattoo.

You ever heard of Wendover Steel?

Wendover Steel.

They have a lot of money.

Mrs. Roberts fears the Wendovers will not accept her daughter, Shirley, if

find out her mother is actually a professional roller skater with the

Bruisers. You mean they are snobs?

Hey, look, just tell me right out if you think you can't do it. I mean, I may be

a hopeless case.

Oh, come now, Mrs. Roberts.

Where is your faith?

This is Fantasy Island.

And here, anything is possible.

Do you see that gentleman over there?

Uh -huh. His name is Felix Van Dyke, and he will be teaching you the social

graces. I picked him up myself.

He came highly recommended by my cousin Hugo.

Your cousin, Hugo.

I thought after our last business deal with him, we agreed... But boss, this

guy's a winner.

And very cheap.

Mrs. Roberts, may I introduce Mr. Felix Van Dyke.

Well, it's a pleasure.

So, you're going to turn me into a lady, huh?

Well?

Well?

Oh, I get it. It's a sort of joke.

A joke?

What do you mean by a joke?

Tattoo, I could as easily turn her into a lady as I could turn you into a

basketball center.

I knew it. I knew it was too much to wish for.

Roddy, wait, Roddy.

If this jerk cannot make you a lady, I'm sure that Mr. Rock and I can help you.

Mr. Rock can do anything.

Well? If my professional opinion is not to be respected... I

must apologize for Mr. Van Dyke's rudeness, Miss Roberts. I am truly

Your cousin, Hugo.

Mr. Rourke?

Is what Tattoo said right?

Could you still make me a lady?

If you are certain that is really what you want.

Oh, Mr. Rourke.

All my life, what I am is... Well, it's just never really been good enough.

Well, I mean, even when I was a little girl, you know, I was husky. I was

strong. I was big.

Oh, darn.

I was ugly. I was so ugly, nobody paid any attention to me unless I out -boyed

the boys.

Oh, I could just...

Pull it off, just this once, if I could just be frilly and refined.

Don't you see I... I want my little girl to be proud of me.

Please?

Mrs. Roberts, you shall be the grandest lady on Fantasy Island.

I wonder why we're here.

This idea is beginning to seem so ridiculous.

My dear husband, can't you get it through your head? You are becoming an

important man with a future.

That seems to worry you more than it does me.

Why can't I just do the job the best way I know how?

I only want you to do good on a bigger scale.

Now, honey, if you decide to try for attorney general, this...

This reunion will remind people you were a war hero.

Yeah, well, maybe you're right.

But spending three days on an island paradise with Joe Beck is not exactly my

idea of paradise.

Ted, the poor guy's been in and out of one VA hospital after another. Now, if

this helps us, I'm hoping it helps him, too.

Toulouse -Lautrec.

Very good.

Picasso. Yes, yes.

Rembrandt. You're doing fine.

Playboy? Playboy.

She's naked, ain't she?

Now, let's see.

Panama takes control of its canal in what year?

2000.

Excellent.

Mr. Roark, if Panama gains control of its canal in the year 2000,

who's got it now?

And a one, two, three, ah!

Oh, tattoo.

I'm so sorry. I've got all the grace of a drunken giraffe.

And a one, two, three, and a one, two, three, and a one now.

Maybe I ought to do what I'm best at.

What's that?

Intermission.

Boss?

Did you ever have a fantasy who did not work?

This is incredible.

Looks just like Meachow Point.

Even the river down there.

This is a fantastic recreation, Mr. Orton. I am so glad you're pleased.

I believe your unit escaped the Viet Cong prison camp during the night. Am I

correct? That's right. The only way we made it was to slip out one at a time in

ten -minute intervals.

We could see this hill from the camp down below.

We used it as our rendezvous point.

So you were 32 miles inside of enemy -held territory.

That's how far we had to go to make it back to our lines.

That's almost exactly how far you must go now.

But I must warn you, in a fantasy this exotic,

I cannot guarantee your safety.

Once you begin, you're out of my hands.

Of course, you may turn back now, or never more.

Don't worry, Mr. Rourke.

No one's turning back.

And you feel the same, Mr. Garman?

Yes, I guess I do.

Then from here, you are on your own.

Good luck, soldiers.

Thank you, Mr. Rourke.

Well, it's about time you told me what it's all about, I think.

You said something about life and death.

It is.

Believe me.

Joe, I know about the troubles you've had since Nam.

I'm all right.

I'm all right.

So don't get your hopes up.

Don't... Don't get my hopes up.

Pack these myself.

These are combat packs.

What's in them? The usual.

Oh, and a couple of identical knockdown M76s.

M76s? Seven clips each.

Seven clips each?

What for?

There can't be that many animals in this jungle.

For our private little war, which starts in exactly ten minutes.

Our private war?

Why? You're pretending you don't know.

After you got what was left of my squad and my kid brother Jack massacred by

those Kongs. That's what you think?

I wasn't even there.

You're all spilling your guts to the con to save your own skin. Are you crazy?

Let's be sensible about this. You better move it, sir.

You have eight and a half minutes.

Now you're being sensible, sir.

Nothing will save you.

Now run!

This war is about to start!

She's jailing Grace McCoy. Look out. McCoy takes a header.

Here she is, the Boston Bruiser, Rowdy Robertson.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, ladies, ladies, and I use that term loosely.

Let's not have another one of our famous Donnie Brooks here on television. I

just want to have a nice quiet word with Rowdy about what we can expect to see

in the second half. We can expect to see stars.

I'm going to get you, pitiful neck. I'm going to break your arm.

It's a delayed tape of the playoff.

It was Boston versus Cleveland.

We won 82 to 80.

Well,

Tattoo? How did I look?

Mr. Roark picked out everything personally.

Marty, you look beautiful.

Real elegant.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you both for everything.

Oh, it's our pleasure.

However, something has been puzzling me, Mrs. Roberts.

Just how long do you and your daughter plan to delude the Wendovers?

Delude? Well, your true identity must come out eventually.

Is this duplicity wise?

No.

No, it's just something that got started and never got stopped.

Do you think it's that bad?

I mean, if I don't tell them until after the wedding? Talking about the wedding,

your daughter Shirley and the Wendover just arrived.

Yes. In fact, it's time for you to meet the wedding party.

Oh, Mr. Rourke, I'm scared to death. I mean, just the thought of facing those

Wendovers and all their millions.

Money is not everything.

What am I saying?

Hey, you know, I know you fellas tried your best, but I just see a 40 -year

14 -carat fraud.

Come now, Roberts.

What did you say? I told you, this is Fantasy Island.

For what?

For selling us out and saving yourself.

You're saying I sold you out?

Well, who stayed warm and cozy with the corn to the clear end?

That's the way you want it?

Now on, it's either you or me.

Oh, Mr. Rourke.

Your plan is really working.

Only been here a week, and already the doctor says I've lost 50 pounds and

getting in great shape.

Oh, congratulations, Mr. Busby. In another week, you'll be down to an extra

large sweatsuit.

Oh, and I owe it all to you, Mr. Rourke. All those years I tried losing weight,

but I never had the willpower to stay on the diets or exercise seriously.

That is, not until I came here. Oh, thank you, Mr. Rourke. Oh, thank you,

I've placed him in personal charge of your training program.

Come on, Mel.

Hurry, Mel.

Hurry.

What was that all about?

Oh, it's about Mr.

Busby's training program.

You don't mean... Oh, yes. I told Mr. Busby if he could catch one, well, he

could keep her.

Wait for me.

Keep it up, Mel. Slow down.

Oh, you're doing great.

You've certainly planned a beautiful wedding, Mrs. Roberts.

Thank you.

Shirley tells me you're in ball bearings.

Well, you might say that.

Well, are you or are you not in ball bearings?

Well, actually, Aunt Betty, may I call you Aunt Betty?

No, you may call me Miss Wendover.

Oh.

Well, Miss...

It's really no big thing. It's nothing compared to Wendover Steel.

Let's go for a walk.

They sure do make a great -looking couple, don't they?

Where's your husband?

Oh, there's no room in my life for a husband.

You see, since my brother's wife died, I've managed his entire household and

the responsibility of bringing his son up properly.

And almost made a full -time job of protecting the winner of her name and

standing.

Protecting it from what?

From the wrong sort of people.

Kirk, um... You know that business about my mother being in ball bearings?

I never should have mentioned it. Honey, I don't care if she's in ball bearings

or on the FBI most wanted list.

I'm not interested in your mother.

I want to marry you.

Cush.

Ah, there you are.

Come along, children. I want to get this over with fast.

Life is so complicated today.

Weddings always used to be alike. Now every couple wants to stage their own

they're Gene Kelly or something. Thank heavens you don't want anything fancy

because we can do it fast.

Now, turn around. That's it, that's it. Now, when I pronounce you man and wife,

you kiss the bride.

Go ahead.

Are there any questions?

In that case, I'll see you tomorrow.

And maybe this is my day to make par.

Hello, Reverend.

Everything will be just fine.

Oh, good. Good.

It's hooligan handwriting.

Is Mr. Rourke here?

It's an emergency.

What is it, Mrs. Roberts?

Hooligan Hanratty is here.

She's my very worst enemy and she's right here on the island and I just know

she's going to blow my cover. Oh, be calm, please.

How can I be calm? You promised me that my daughter's marriage would go off

without a hitch.

Oh, I hate... To contradict you, Mrs. Roberts, but I make no such promise. You

do? I guarantee that you would be a genteel lady for the weekend, during

time you would give your daughter away in marriage. You do not seem to

understand.

If Hooligan and I get together, there is no way I can be a genteel lady. Well,

in that case, I suggest you not get together with Miss Hanratty. How am I

to do that?

Well, uh, let's see now.

All we have is the prenuptial dinner tomorrow night, the wedding the day

that, both private affairs, so if we restrict them to guests only, we should

able to avert World War III.

Don't you think?

Our alma mater, dear, looks up to you.

What's going on here?

Nothing, nothing, nothing but.

Well, something is certainly going on, and I want to know what.

It's just the old grads who came back for alumni day.

They wanted to sing the fight song one more time, you know.

Did they really?

Mm -hmm.

And what, may I ask, is that?

Oh. Oh, that?

Well, they made me take it.

It's the endowment fund for the Fantasy Island College.

Well, I suggest that you return it immediately and all of you get back to

Endowment fund, indeed.

Okay, boss.

Okay, Chester, take that.

There. There.

There.

Come on, let's go, let's go.

Come on.

How do you like that, Chester?

Oh, for God's sake.

For the last time, listen to me.

Look, I've got a wife I love, two kids in the future, and I'm not going to let

you take all that away.

Even if I have to kill you to stop you.

Now, let's go back.

I will never mention what you did again.

What I did?

Why, you...

Do I look all right?

You're the most beautiful mother in the whole world.

Oh, baby.

Just think, tomorrow you'll be Mrs. Wendover of Wendover Steel.

I owe it all to you.

If you hadn't sent me to all the right schools and said that I'd do all the

right things, I never would have met Kirk.

You really do love him, don't you?

I love you, too.

How does a daughter ever say thank you?

I just... Living happily ever after.

Kirk and I are going to live a happily ever after life.

I just know it.

I've been here over a day. It's about time somebody told me what I'm doing

A guy's on his way over? Now?

You sure?

Oh, somebody's knocking. It's probably him. Goodbye.

Who are you?

Miss Betty Wendover.

But you're not the guy I was expecting.

The guy who sent you a plane ticket and $2 ,500 expenses to come here?

Yeah. How'd you know that?

Because I am the guy.

Now, may I please come in?

Sure.

As long as you're paying.

Now.

Miss Hanratty.

I hired a private detective to investigate the family of the girl my

intends to marry.

What he discovered was... Well, the reason I hired you to come here.

To do what?

Break up that marriage before it happens.

You know you were right about not running into hooligan Hanratty.

I think I just panicked last night.

Excuse me, I'm getting in.

But we just got started, the two.

Sorry, Buck.

Oh, Tattoo, thank you.

For what?

For the two of you ladyfying me. I never could have made it without you.

Oh, I'd do anything for you.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give me your attention.

Will you please gather around?

I want you to know that you're looking at an extremely happy man.

A man who is about to gain a beautiful daughter.

And what I want to do...

is propose a toast to the merger of two illustrious families,

the Roberts and the Wendovers.

And to show you all just how illustrious one of those families is... Ladies

and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce a real celebrity right here in your own

midst. She's lead jammer for the Boston Bruisers. And here's some action shots

of the one.

The only, the original, Rowdy Roberts.

With a better right cross than Mohammed Ali.

As genteel a noblewoman as you'll ever meet. Did I say noblewoman? And a fanny

flop that'll do justice to the Keystone Cops. Yes, sir, ladies and gents.

Poetry in motion.

Oh, you can see how modest she looks. She's also happy.

Yes, sir. Queen of the roller circuit married her daughter off to Wendover

Steele.

That's enough. That's enough, Hooligan.

You've done enough already.

I'm warning you.

I think Rowdy Roberts ought to make a speech about how it feels for a lowly

roller game skater to mix with all you high and mighty bluebloods. What about

it, folks? Huh? Yeah!

What about...

What's going on here?

A conspiracy to discredit Mrs. Roberts on her daughter, I'm afraid.

To discredit her?

For what reason?

No one from that background is good enough to marry a Wendover.

Not good enough indeed.

Well, I suppose that depends on what standards you apply.

Let me tell you a brief story of motherly love, Miss Wendover.

Mrs. Roberts, Rowdy, was widowed when her daughter was 90 years old. Because

husband left her no insurance, she was forced to find work.

Not just any kind of job.

But one that paid enough to give her daughter something she never had.

The very best of everything.

Including the most expensive finishing school in existence.

Do you have any idea what it must be like...

To become a professional roller skater at 32 years of age, traveling from one

end of the country to the other, then back again, staying in sleazy hotels,

having your bones broken and going right back for more punishment.

That's just part of what Mrs. Rowdy Roberts is all about, Miss Wendover.

And all she wanted was to be a lady for the weekend, so that her daughter

could be happy.

in your petty vindictiveness had to take that away from her.

You should feel very proud of yourself, Miss Wendell.

Excuse me.

Not over yet, Garmin.

Not where we're both alive.

You killed my brother.

And somehow, I'm gonna kill you.

Isn't it just like the first war, Joe?

Two cavemen hitting each other's guts.

It's the last stop.

And one of us isn't going to walk away.

No! No!

Stop!

Don't you hear me? I said stop!

That's enough.

There's no need. It's over.

It's been over for a long time.

Jack!

My brother's dead.

No, Jack is not dead.

Up till now, that's what he wanted everyone to believe.

But why?

Joe.

Joe, it was me.

Don't you see? It was me.

The Kong tortured me.

I'm the one who blew the whistle. It's my fault those guys died on me, Chow.

Not his.

It's not yours.

After the incident, your brother deserted.

When the war was over, he managed to get to Singapore, where he's been living

ever since.

Please forgive me.

Babe, I am so sorry.

You know, I should have known not to masquerade as something I'm not. Please

stop blaming yourself, Mother. You did the best you knew how, and I'm proud of

you. Shirley,

I was going crazy trying to call you. I know, I really didn't want to talk to

anybody. Look, I don't care what your mother does. I love you, and I want to

marry you.

But if you want to know the truth, I think you're terrific.

Excuse me.

Please accept the apology of a very embarrassed father. I thought my sister

a lady, but that's before I met you and Shirley.

Well, I... I accept your apology.

If those two are happy.

Well, the title of a lady I don't quite qualify for.

Not after what I did to Hanratty.

My late wife was a lady.

She would have done exactly what you did.

Know where I first met her?

Uh -uh.

She was a wing walker with an aerial circus.

Well,

what about the wedding?

Is it still on?

Tattoo, will you call the minister, please, and tell him to cancel his tea

time? The ceremony will go on as scheduled this afternoon.

Yes, but...

You know, I don't know why, but I just have the feeling that you knew that we

had to play this out to the end.

But it isn't over.

Not yet.

What about George's brother?

He wants to go home, but he's afraid to be prosecuted.

Consider.

An 18 -year -old boy, face to face with death.

Panics.

Since he's already lived through nine years of hell.

You're the one who can end this war, Ted.

Once and for all.

The boy could use a good lawyer.

All right, baby.

Joe?

Maybe when we get back, working together, we can straighten this whole

out, all right?

Thank you.

My pleasure.

Jackie?

Adam, you stupid monkey.

What's wrong with Chester?

Oh, nothing, boss.

He just reminds me of something I have to do.

Don't tell me you haven't returned his tuition yet.

Oh, I did, boss.

But he didn't want it back.

None of them did.

That too, I'm surprised at you.

It's okay, boss.

We find something better to spend it on.

What? A surprise party.

Happy birthday, boss.

Come on, kid.

Thank you, my friend