Original subtitles

One for you. All? You want to hear it? All right.

What's yellow?

Yes. Weigh 800 pounds. Yes.

And lay eggs?

Yellow, 800 pounds, and lays eggs?

Um, I'm afraid I don't know.

Two 400 -pound chickens.

You get it, boss?

Two 400 -pound chickens.

Oh, it's very amusing, Tattoo. I've got a million of them.

They sent it to me in my new chalk kit.

Watch. Well, it seems we're still determined to be the henny young man of

Fantasy Island, huh?

No. I had a big outro.

At least he had more fun with the ladies.

Indeed.

Now, the jeep.

Smile, everyone, smile.

Mr. Ernie Miller.

He looks like he just got the keys to the candy store.

What's his fantasy?

Oh, it's one shared by daydreamers throughout the ages, the two.

Mr. Ernie Miller, a plumber from Topeka, Kansas, simply wants to live like a

king.

A plumber who wants to be a king?

Fuck! And that is precisely what he shall be this weekend.

Though I am not certain that his reign will be everything he expects.

Miss Gail Grayson, all the way from Cleveland, Ohio.

That's her mother with her.

Does a young lady have a fantasy?

Oh, she does indeed, Tattoo. Miss Grayson's fantasy is to get a chance to

and be interviewed for a job.

by the famous Dr. Sidney Block.

Oh, I know about him.

He's the famous doctor who wrote all these books, How to Raise Children.

Yes, yes, that's right. Many people consider him to be the world's foremost

expert of family life. That's why young Miss Grayson wants to meet him. You see,

she's just graduated from college with degrees in child psychology and family

analysis. Her mommy must be very proud of her.

Oh, I wouldn't jump to any conclusions, Tattoo.

You see, the title of Miss Grayson's doctoral thesis is The Soft Life of the

American Housewife and Mother.

I bet that was a real kick in the head for our money.

Right -o -do. Her mother wants her to see how soft it really is to be a

housewife.

My dear guests, I am Mr. Rourke, your host.

Welcome to Fantasy Island.

Excellent scene.

The nectar from the garden.

Especially good for your majesty.

Your majesty?

But of course. You did ask for a weekend where you would be treated like a king,

did you not? Well, after much thought, we realized the only way that would be

possible would be to convince our other guests that you are really a ruling

monarch.

Oh, well...

No wonder that everybody has been so friendly.

Your nectar, sir.

Ah, thank you.

Then my fantasy has already begun?

Oh, Mr. Miller.

I should say King Albert.

That's the name you'll use during your stay with us. Your fantasy began the

minute the plane landed and we raised the official flag of your country.

Even a flag?

Of course.

Well, I really didn't expect any of this.

But then I don't know what I did expect.

Tell me, does my country have a name?

Carpathia.

Carpathia.

The two?

And you think that all of these people will really believe that there is such a

place? But of course they will.

Oh, King Albert, the world is full of small kingdoms that people have never

heard of. The world is also filled with people who want to believe in kings and

queens and fairytale land.

Sire,

if you will accompany me to the royal bungalow, I have laid out your wardrobe

for the official reception.

We certainly hope Your Majesty will enjoy his stay with us.

Well, I'm sure going to try.

How do you like my new trick, boss? Isn't that funny?

Oh, it's a regular laugh rider tattoo.

Laugh rider?

That's what he says in the box he came in.

Oh?

What a coincidence.

This is the home of Dr.

Sidney Block and family.

Dr. Sidney Block.

Hope I say all the right things.

Wish me luck, Mom.

Oh, Miss Grayson, your mother is also expected.

What?

I thought I was going to see Dr. Block alone.

Oh, I'm so sorry. There must have been some sort of mix -up. But Dr. Block is

expecting you both.

Well, I don't mind, dear.

I'll try to stay out of the way.

Fine with me.

One word of advice, if I may, Miss Grayson.

Be flexible.

Don't limit yourself to the academic knowledge you receive from your studies.

You see, Dr. Black will welcome someone who shows that she's able to adapt.

Right. Like they say in show business, knock them dead.

Right. Good luck. Thank you. See you later.

Yes.

That true?

Come.

Oh, hi. You're Gail and Mildred Grayson, right? Right. Yes, sir. Oh, wonderful.

You could come. Fabulous.

They're here. Salma, hurry up.

I love your thesis.

You don't know what this means to us.

I mean, particularly since there are two of you.

One always makes my wife very, very nervous.

One what?

One babysitter.

This is our first vacation in years, and it's going to be a pleasure to sit back

and relax.

And know that our kids are in the care of the girl who wrote this piece.

Yeah, and you too, Mrs. Grayson.

Alma!

Come on, we're late.

All right, here she is. We can go now. Go? But, Dr. Block, this is like a dream

come true. So wonderful.

Bless you, Miss Grayson. Bless you both.

Sydney, I'll be in the car.

Uh -huh, uh -huh.

Well, Mom, it looks as though we're going to do some babysitting.

Oh, Mr. Rourke said you'd be delighted.

Now, make note.

And if things get rough, just consult your thesis.

Oh, I guess it's time you met the rest of the family.

Guys, Marty and Daddy are leaving. Have a wonderful time and behave yourselves.

You'll handle everything, I have absolute confidence.

Bye.

Hi, I'm Herbert Bay on block.

But I like to be called Herbie. And this is my sister Lori. Lori is short for

Lorelai, which comes from a famous German poem about a mermaid who sits on

rock and lures sailors to their death.

And this is my little brother Conrad. He's named after a rider Conrad.

And this is our dog Igor. Like the hunchback of Frankenstein, he got

Oh.

I guess now would be a good time to be flexible, dear.

We're all going to eat as soon as lunch is ready.

Now, how would you children like the chance to fix it for us?

Boy, will we have it. Yeah, we're going to fix lunch.

Do you think turning them loose in the kitchen is a good idea?

Oh, Mother.

It's all here in black and white.

Give children responsibility and they rise to the occasion.

You see, Mother, being a housewife is easy if you let it be. You really

that, don't you?

Absolutely. All I have to do is keep this house and those children in order

until Dr. Block gets back. And I will not only prove my decency, I will

guarantee my professional future.

Oh, Mom, what a chance.

It may seem so.

His Majesty King Albert.

Your Majesty.

Your Highness.

Nancy.

Harry Sand, United States Undersecretary of State. Compliment his golf game.

Your Majesty. Mr.

Sand. I hope we get a chance to play golf together while we're here.

I'm told you're quite good.

Thank you, Your Majesty.

I'd like nothing better.

Eric Thoreau, ambassador of that large nation on our eastern border.

I'm surprised, but delighted to find your majesty in such good health.

Oh, well, thank you, Eric.

Emperor Bakota of Cedar, East Africa.

Well, well, well.

We seem to be having marvelous weather, Albert.

Yes, yes, it's a beautiful day.

As one monarch to another.

I hope we shall have some time to speak about that loan to our country that we

discussed at your birthday party last month.

Well, Your Majesty, you'll see Aurora.

My queen.

Oh, oh, yes.

My queen.

Darling, we're all so pleased you could make it.

So am I.

Lunch is taking a long time, isn't it?

One must be patient with children, Mother. You have to give them space.

I bet they're working their little fingers.

Lunchtime is served.

What did I tell you?

And I bet it tastes pretty good, too. Yes.

Oh,

my goodness.

We're having chicken chow mein. I copied the recipe out of Mom's cookbook,

except there wasn't any chicken, so we used our imagination.

Did you use tuna instead? That works very nicely.

Yes, I know, but we didn't have any of that either. Our moms used it sometimes,

too. We used another fish for sardines.

Ah, sardine chow mein.

How interesting, Herbie.

I mean, delicious.

Bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches on top.

They look wonderful, Lori.

Absolutely scrumptious.

You better not eat it. The bacon isn't cooked.

Is it my fault that I'm not allowed to use the stove?

Well, apparently somebody is because I smell something burning.

I'm sure you do believe.

I love this living.

Cecil laid those out for you. I tell you, this is crazy.

You know, I spend most of my time cleaning clogged drains.

I'm a plumber, you know.

And now a real emperor is asking me for a loan.

This must be your fantasy, too.

What do you really do?

Does it matter? For this weekend, I'm your queen.

Nice. You know that, Rourke? He thinks of everything.

Well, Mrs. Grayson, your daughter has met Dr. Block, so her fantasy has begun.

But tell me, how is yours coming along?

Her fantasy?

You mean they both have fantasies?

Mrs. Grayson's fantasy was for her daughter to live out her doctoral thesis

find out just how easy the life of the American housewife and mother really is.

Conrad, no!

Oh, Mr. Rock, right now, I'm not so sure how good an idea that was.

You fear your daughter may lose all her confidence, is that it?

Well, yes, I suppose so.

You see, I'm really very proud of her. She works so hard getting through

But you're not sure how much she really knows.

Oh, does not know.

Mom, can you give me a hand when this can stops?

I guess so.

Coming, dear.

How strange it is.

What a parent wants for a child often satisfies neither of them.

And I don't expect any more problems like I had at lunch, either. Oh, and why

that, dear? Because I am now being very specific about how I want the children

to behave.

Ah. I've even given them a list of things to do while we're in the market.

Gail! Gail!

Quick!

Igor took a string of scissors from the counter, and when Connor tried to put it

back... He fell in the freezer. And when Herbie tried to pull him out, he stood

on his own.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Lady,

what kind of a circus are you running from?

Herbie, why did you let Igor into the store?

You didn't tell me not to.

I didn't tell you not to. Maybe you weren't specific enough, Peter.

All right, get the dog outside.

I helped Junior get out of the freezer.

You and Queen are always the first to dance.

Yeah, I'm not exactly from the sphere.

You know, they're really acting like I am for real.

Perhaps because you look so much like a king.

Oh, yes?

Well, they ought to see me lying flat in a crawl hole, trying to repair a broken

water main.

Your sublime majesty, your pardon, but it's become most urgent that we pursue

the subject of our loan.

Why did you

do

that? After all, he's a real emperor.

I know. I was at his coronation.

Why does he persist in talking about the loan?

You were at his coronation.

Well, if I were truly a queen, I might have been. No, no, no. You said you

And out by the pool.

Emperor Bakuda told me that we had talked about the loan in the past.

Listen, I'm getting the feeling that something's going on around here that I

don't know anything about.

Perhaps we should return to the table.

Your Majesty, a moment of your time, please.

Uh, sire, there are some matters between our two countries which require

immediate attention.

Such as?

The new import duty you announced last week for one.

The joint dredging operation at Udo Point for another.

The shutdown has thrown 3 ,000 of our workers out of a job.

Please, Ambassador Sorrow, I realize that all of these matters are very

important, but...

I cannot discuss them with you tonight.

Is anything wrong, Highness?

Would you please excuse me for a few minutes?

Is something wrong, Albert?

I don't think he's at all.

I don't know what exactly, but something is terribly wrong.

I think he suspects.

He really is a kingdom of Carpathia. That is indeed.

And if you turn the page, you'll see a picture of the real ruling King Albert.

Is this a trick?

No trick.

But he really looks like me.

Will you turn the page again, please?

You're the real queen.

Or is she a lookalike, too?

No, you are indeed in the presence of Queen Aurora of Carpathia.

Oh, well, uh... Your Royal Majesty, I'm, uh... I'm sorry,

uh... I mean... Well, then where... Where is the

real King Albert?

Four weeks ago, he was killed in a motorboat accident.

So far, we've been able to keep the news from the outside world.

But why would you do all this?

Mr. Miller, much like the relationship Monaco has with France, unless the tiny

kingdom of Carpathia has a king, or at any rate, a male heir to the throne...

It will be annexed by the nation at its border. The one represented by

Ambassador Sorrow.

Sorrow?

Mm -hmm.

Well, no wonder. No wonder he's been looking at me so strangely.

He's an evil man. He's the reason that I asked Mr. Roark to arrange this

weekend. You were not the only one with a fantasy.

And Sorrow is suspicious.

Yes.

I'm trying to keep Carpathia from...

being swallowed whole, at least until elections are held in Ambassador

country next month.

Hopefully, his party will be voted out, and one more sympathetic to Carpathia's

independent freedom will be voted in.

So what you needed was a sucker that looked like the king.

And I filled the bill, right?

Mr. Miller, your fantasy was to be treated like a king, was it not?

Yes. But you've been using me.

I mean, I came here for a fantasy.

To have fun.

And you've been using me like a pawn in some lousy game of politics.

You have every right to be angry.

You're damn right I do.

I have half a mind to go out there to the ballroom and blow the whistle on all

of you.

If you do.

In 24 hours, Zorro's troops will have overrun my country, and that will be the

end of freedom for 3 million people.

I was trying to buy a little time for the good of my country.

But maybe I was trying to do it the wrong way.

I'm very sorry.

The decision is yours.

Mr. Miller.

The children are asleep.

What do you want me to do with these now?

Sweetheart?

Oh.

Your Majesty.

Buck, you think he's going to blow the whistle?

Shh, be quiet.

May the king now finish the dance he and the queen started an hour ago

Yes, he most certainly

If we are going to convince Ambassador Sorrow that I am really the king, I

you had better spend some time briefing me on the domestic issues of Carpathia.

I've got a new joke for you.

This is a funny one.

On my way here, I met a drunk.

And he stood in front of a parking meter, put a penny inside of it, and

wait ten minutes.

I wait ten minutes. You get it?

He thought the meter was a scale.

Tattoo, perhaps you should remember, none of your audience has ever seen a

parking meter, you see.

So... But boss, they did not laugh at... Any of my jobs.

You stupid monkey.

What do you know?

I think I have a very unusual washing technique. I get the feeling I keep

the same load over and over again.

I'm sure you'll work it out, dear.

All mothers do.

You're enjoying this, aren't you?

Well, it's time to see who wants what for lunch.

And after that, I'm going to take a well -earned rest. Oh, that would be nice.

Oh, by the way, dear, what have the children been doing while you've been up

your elbows in harsh detergents? They've been watching television.

And don't accuse me of using the tube as a babysitter. I selected a very

stimulating educational program on the life of a moon.

And they were fascinated.

The night is dark, the moon is full, and soon the werewolf will walk the...

The only thing that was good for was nightmares.

But if you're looking for something to do, I thought some great books on the

lives of... Where's Laurie?

She took Igor for a walk down to the beach.

That's an awfully long walk, and then there's that cliff.

How long has she been gone?

Don't worry.

Igor's a good watchdog. He'll take care of her.

Oh, something went.

Something must have happened to her.

Really?

Igor wants us to follow him. Do you know where she is?

No. Herbie, Conrad, stay here and stay out of trouble. Come on, Mom, let's go.

Turn on the TV. YouTube.

YouTube. All right, I'll turn it off.

not see one aunt.

Their encroachment was forbidden by King Albert.

Ambassador Soro, you mentioned last night that you were disturbed by our

of the import duty on tea.

Since it is we who export it to you, yes.

After you first imported from India.

I also think I should tell you that we are going to raise the export tax on our

Carpathé perfumes.

But that's our principal import from Carthasia.

You are charging us more?

It seems that that's the only language your country understands.

Your Highness seems refreshingly candid today.

Perhaps you are ready to discuss our dredging problem.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.

The dredging was stopped because of a breakdown in the pumping system.

A breakdown that was caused by excessive... pressure built up in your

the system.

Surely that can be mere speculation, Your Highness.

On the contrary, Mr. Sorrow.

It is the basics of good plumbing.

You see, I looked over the blueprints of the system last night, and that damage

could have only been done by a blowout of the gasket drums on your country's

side of the system.

Fire. Are you telling me that you intend to bill us for the dredge breakdown

damage?

If a plumber came into your house and did a job like that, you'd take him to

court. Yes, of course. We're going to bill you.

I've never known any king to be so knowledgeable about underwater plumbing.

Let alone our dear, unknowledgeable friend, King Albert of Carpathia.

Well, someone's certainly filling him in with a lot of answers.

Either that, or he's not the Albert we know.

How did I do?

There were many times when I wish the real Albert would have stood up like

But Albert, I'm afraid, was still a bit of a playboy.

He didn't care about politics much.

Did you love him very much?

I suppose this will sound strange, but I didn't love him at all.

Our marriage was arranged by our families.

To tell you the truth, the real King Albert was not a very likable man.

Well, I'm sorry.

Do you really mean that?

Well, yes, of course I do.

You're too nice a person to be forced into an unhappy life.

I'm so nice, I keep setting you up.

What do you mean?

Well, there's no real proof.

But what we suspect is Albert's death was not as accidental as people tried to

make it.

You mean he was assassinated?

Sorrow? We think so.

Annexing Carpathia would ensure his party's re -election.

Well, then, they might try that again.

I'm sorry.

Being king isn't like you thought it would be, is it?

No, it's sure not.

It isn't all caviar and pheasant under glass.

A ruler is besieged by people who want big loans, others who demand

lower taxes.

I should never have asked for a proxy king for this weekend. I had no right.

Just be glad that you're going home tomorrow.

use mother not only is lori missing but the dog's gone too gail i think it's

eagle lori

You set this whole thing up.

Igor, your hat, the whole thing.

It works a lot better on Matthew.

I guess Igor is in star material.

You're coming home with me this instant, young lady.

appreciate these chili beans I'm making for lunch.

I hope Gil appreciates me for doing the laundry.

Conrad, I'm going to go check on Gil. See if she found Mario, all right? You

stay here and check up on him, all right?

Okay, Herbie.

First thing we're going to do is get you washed.

What on earth?

Are you all right?

Oh, no.

Margaret, I told you to stay out of trouble.

Please, go to your room. Laurie, come with me. We're going to put your clothes

right in the wash.

Oh, I know it's the wrong time to tell you, dear, but Herbie seems to be

missing.

Maybe he knows that Herbie is dead.

Herbie. Herbie.

Herbie. Mother, will you please turn off that washing machine?

Herbie.

Come on, Herbie.

Sure did.

All Gail wanted was to meet and maybe get a job with your father, and I had to

mess everything up.

You? Yes, me and my stupid fantasy to show her how hard being a mother and a

housewife can be sometimes.

Oh, she worked so hard on her thesis.

She's really very nice.

One of the nicest people I've ever known.

you for the rest of your life.

Oh.

You're wrong, Mother.

It was very fair.

At least you sure opened my eyes to how silly and stupid this is.

Oh, it's not silly and stupid.

Well, not all of it. And some of it's quite informative.

Oh, Gail, darling, I'm so very proud of you, and I've made such a mess of

things. It's all right. There'll be other jobs.

work with my father?

No way. Not with this place looking like this when they get back.

Maybe we can help you clean it up.

Lori, your parents are due home in two hours.

It would take a miracle to clean this place up.

We could try.

Conrad's right.

We could try.

We will soon know if King Albert is the real item or merely a proxy.

What are you going to do?

Test him.

Your Majesty, I'm flying out tonight. I hope to see you both when again I visit

Carpathia. Sire.

I'm looking forward to hunting boar with you again. It's always such a privilege

to join the Royal Hunting Party.

Hunting Party?

You and I?

Yes, sir.

I've never hunted with you in my life.

True.

What must I have been thinking about?

Yes, Ambassador Sorrow.

What were you thinking about?

I don't know, Your Royal Highness.

Maybe it is the lack of sleep, the mind. It plays tricks.

Yes.

People play tricks sometimes, too.

Some people play deadly tricks, if you get my meaning.

Well, long may our two countries remain friendly neighbors.

Is it just possible that we might be able to negotiate the tax on Carpati

perfume? Possible.

Anything is possible.

Thank you, Your Majesty.

Well?

Is Albert all right?

That boating accident was...

A mistake in a lot of ways.

Not only is he still alive, but the playboy has grown

into a man.

Oh, I can't believe it. You're almost through in here.

How are you doing? This is the last of the laundry and the kids are just

finishing up the dishes. Oh, I thought they finished an hour ago.

Well, that was before I found out they cleaned them by having Igor lick the

off. Oh, children, hurry. It's your parents.

Quick. Come on, kids. Get in there. What am I supposed to be? Get in there.

Oh, good, kids. I love you.

Okay.

Once upon a time, there were three bears.

Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and Baby Bear.

Well, hello, Dr. Block.

We didn't hear you come up.

Good evening, Mother. Good evening, Father.

Gail was just reading us a story.

Uh -huh.

So I see.

Are you sure we've come to the right place?

Those are our children, aren't they?

Of course we are, Major.

Don't tell me they've been like this all weekend.

Sure we have.

Then in that case, your thesis really works.

Well, of course it does.

Well, then I just have two questions.

Why is the book your daughter is reading upside down?

And why is there a seal in my closet?

Well, I'm glad it didn't rain earlier today.

Spoil our picnic.

And it was a picnic.

Believe me. All the way.

The whole terrific weekend.

Now it's back to leaky faucets, brass fittings, and clogged drains.

You know, when I said it was terrific just now, I didn't mean being treated

a king.

I meant it was terrific because of you.

What, uh, what are you gonna do now?

I mean, how long do you think you can keep them fooled?

Long enough, I hope.

I mean, at best, it's only temporary.

Sooner or later, there's bound to be another government like Soros.

They'll find out that there is no king, and you won't have a country anymore.

But look,

I know I'm not the greatest.

And Topeka, Kansas is not a magic kingdom.

Oh, that's great.

I was just about to ask you to marry me

and come back with me and be a plumber's wife.

You too, Ernie.

What?

I'd love to be a plumber's wife or anything with you.

But right now there are a lot of people depending on me.

Everybody believed that you were the king, even Sorrow.

A gentler, nicer, more considerate king.

They never knew when Albert was alive.

I think I know what you're about to say, but...

Well, would you go ahead and say it anyway? Because I don't believe it yet.

I realize that Carpathia isn't half as big as the city of Topeka.

And you'd have to go by the name of Albert instead of Ernie.

I have no right to ask you.

Oh, yes, you do.

My whole adult life, I've... I have...

Never said this to a woman.

And really meant it.

But... I do love you.

I guess what I'm saying is that... Your Royal Majesty, if... If you want a

king... Who, in his spare time... Can repair

all the plumbing in the castle... Well, I...

I guess I'm your guy.

Well,

ladies,

I hope you enjoyed your visit.

Well, we certainly did.

I learned an awful lot, Mr. Rourke. Well, we both did.

What about your job with Dr. Block?

I start next week. Despite making every mistake possible, he felt that if I

could bring his three kids together on a joint effort like they had to make, I

must have something to offer after all.

Oh, I am so pleased.

Oh, thank you.

One thesis from me to you.

And goodbye, Mr. Rawls. Thank you so much. Goodbye, Jackie. Goodbye, Miss

Grayson. Goodbye, Jackie. Goodbye.

Good morning.

Morning. Your Royal Highnesses.

You know, when I came here, I never expected a fantasy that would last for

rest of my life.

And I never expected to leave with King Albert.

I am pleased you're both so happy and in love.

Your Highness.

Yes? Thank you very much for fixing the plumbing in bungalow number four.

Oh, forget it.

Thank you, Marie.

Oh, you're welcome.

You asked a king to fix the plumbing?

Well, the queen didn't know how.