Original subtitles

The plane.

The plane.

Tattoo. Wait.

You are going to stay.

Tattoo, what a beautiful day. All right?

What? Don't worry.

I just read your mind.

Indeed? Well, I was hoping there was a reason for your new headdress.

How to Read Minds is a new book I just read.

The Secret of Psychic Power Unleashed.

That's how I knew you were going to say.

Tattoo, is that a beautiful day?

Well, it is a beautiful day, Tattoo, but I'm afraid what I was going to say was,

you have your bath towel on crooked.

Smiles, everyone, smiles.

That inauspicious gentleman tattoo is Mr. Stanley Schechter, a San Francisco

-based process server.

His is a life filled with seedy hotel rooms, wayward husbands, and deadbeats

all sizes and shapes.

Another freebie?

No tattoo.

His ambition has always been to become a private investigator, another Sam

Spade, Philip Marlowe, Lou Archer.

His fantasy...

is to solve a big case.

One worthy of his talents.

In that case, I'm afraid that Mr. Schachter's clients is in serious

When do we eat? Oh, Mamsie, your allergies. Might have known they'd have

here. I'm hungry.

A family like that is a fantasy in itself.

Well, most of the family just thinks they're here on vacation, but it's

Mr. Stoughton's fantasy, and he's asked for two things.

First, a modicum of peace and quiet.

I can believe that, but what's the second?

Something he feels he's never had from his family.

A little respect.

Respect? Can we give him that?

Oh, very easily, Tattoo. In fact, it was Mr. Stoughton himself who provided the

schedule. Schedule?

For a weekend of events for his family filled with elegance and good taste. A

weekend wherein Mr. Stoughton will receive full and proper credit for

everything. So they can see him in a new light.

And they will respect him.

That's what he hopes for, Tattoo.

That's what he hopes for.

My dear guests, I am Mr. Rourke, your host.

Welcome to Fantasy Island.

Why don't you have something to eat, Monsie?

I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat. I just want to get to my room.

Excuse me just a second. I'll be right back.

Mr. Roark. Mr. Stoughton.

I'm really very excited about all this. Well, I'm so glad.

You really will be able to give me what I wanted?

We shall certainly try, eh, Tattoo?

Mr. Stoughton, everything has been arranged just like you asked for.

The accommodations.

The birthday celebration for your wonderful mother -in -law and the dinner

tonight. And every detail, just like you wanted it.

And we'll have the royal cottage, won't we?

But of course.

Well, I'm afraid something has come up.

We won't be getting the royal cottage?

Well, one of those ridiculous little mix -ups. But I assure you, no harm done.

You'll like the bungalow we have selected for you.

Bungalow? No, but I went over all that. Well, you know, it's quite specific.

I wanted the royal cottage.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Stoughton. The mix -up was unavoidable.

Well, if it was unavoidable.

Will you show the Stoughtons to their bungalow, please? And I'll have your

sent.

Honey,

it was unavoidable. What could I do?

With him.

Everything is unavoidable.

Oh, Mr. Rourke. Mr. Schechter, I hope you're enjoying yourself.

Oh, yeah, I am. I was just wondering, when do we get started, Mr. Rourke?

Um, you are aware, Mr. Schechter, of the very real danger.

involved in your particular fantasy.

Are you not?

Dangers? What dangers?

Mr. Schechter, a private investigator, a good one, places his life on the line

with each case.

His life, Mr. Schechter.

Literally.

You do understand this?

Oh, sure I understand.

Well, I came here to do it, so let's do it.

You shall, Mr. Schechter.

Very soon.

Give me a refill, I will. Yeah, in fact, make it a double.

Yes, Arthur, you do that.

You tell my husband, and then you tell him about Peggy.

Iris, you're going to be sensible about this.

I'm tired of being sensible, Arthur. Now let go of me.

And tell your protege to stay out of my way.

Iris, you're going to hear me out. Hey, folks.

Hey, fella, you stay out of it. I don't mean to interfere, but good. Let's keep

it that way.

Iris, sit down.

I don't think the lady wants your company.

So why don't you just take off, okay?

Oh, dear.

My car's just outside.

That's a dental.

I'll take care of him.

Our name was Iris.

Iris Chandler.

Spelled C -L -A -S -S, capital C, and underlined.

She needed a private eye, and of course I was available.

When she looked at you, it was like a 30 ,000 -volt charge.

With a message in those deep blue eyes, it would melt a telegraph key.

They're charging him an arm and a leg and he lets them walk all over him.

I suppose we should feel grateful we've even got a roof over our heads.

It's really quite a place. It's not bad.

I knew I shouldn't have come.

Florence, I told you.

It's light, spacious, airy. Spacious?

The bedroom's on the wrong side.

The living room's on the wrong side.

Typical tropical island. And not one lousy tangerine in the basket.

You didn't have any trouble with the oranges.

You don't have to pick on Arnold.

If that's what I think it is, growing outside my window, Florence, he knows

allergic. Hey, look, we're here, and that's the main thing. Let's enjoy it,

okay?

You would, too, Fred Stoughton. Your own family stacked up in here like it was

Labor Day weekend at Rockaway Beach, and you want to enjoy it.

I like your taste in houses.

Peggy, my stepdaughter.

I like your taste in stepdaughters, too.

Yes, she is attractive.

Very nice.

Thank you.

You need a detective because of that guy in the bar?

Arthur? Arthur Hemmings, yes.

He owns what used to be called a roadhouse, a small nightclub, a cocktail

lounge. Don't tell me, don't tell me.

There's a casino in the back.

Why, yes.

Casino, horse parlor.

Anything else he can make a dollar from. How much are you into him for?

It's my daughter who's into him, sir.

Not my wife.

I presume this is the detective you said you were going to engage?

Mr. Schechter, my husband, Theodore Chandler.

How do you do?

How do you do?

You told him about Peg's IOUs.

So far, she's signed $50 ,000 in IOUs.

Oh, why don't you just...

Pay them off.

Arthur won't let us just pay them off.

Can I get you a drink, Mr. Schechter?

Never when I'm on a case.

Those markers are Arthur Hemming's entree to the Chandler fortune.

Otherwise, the police will be informed.

Peggy will be prosecuted.

Jailed. Excuse me, Mrs. Chandler, but gambling debts cannot be legally

collected. Bad checks can be, Mr. Schechter.

She paid the markers by check, and the checks bounced.

Unless she has the markers, she can't prove the checks were written for

debts.

My daughter may be wild and uncontrollable, Mr. Schechter, but she's

daughter.

And the thought of her in prison... You want the markers.

I want her out of the clutches of that monster.

You've come to the right man, Mr. Chandler.

And your son, what does he do?

Oh, Arnold is going to private school.

Oh, that's nice.

They flunked out of every regular school we put him in.

He's young.

What did you want to do when you were 12?

I'm not sure I was ever allowed to be 12.

Oh, Mr. Rourke.

Mr. Stoughton, I trust you're comfortable and happy? I suppose so,

I was beginning to wonder, though, about the peace and quiet I was expecting and

the respect.

Oh, give it time, Mr.

Stoughton. You just got here.

Well, I'd better be getting back.

Mr. Stoughton, I had a very good question.

And you did not even have a good answer. No peace, no respect, not even a

tangerine in his fruit basket.

Too much attention to picky little details, Tattoo, is the mark of a small

And I am a small man.

Arthur's Club is on the other side of town.

You know, Mrs. Chandler, there's more to this than you're telling.

What do you mean?

I mean the part about your relationship with Arthur Hemmings that your husband

doesn't know.

I have to know what I'm getting into here.

I went to Arthur to talk to him about Peggy's death.

Sure.

My husband is dead from the waist down.

Arthur Hemmings is a man.

A whole man.

Strong and beautiful.

Dr. Schecter, you blushing?

Me? No, you're kidding.

Oh, it's just... Something I ate. I think I'm...

Choking on one of them walnuts.

Don't you understand?

I was weak.

I am weak.

I need your help.

No wonder Sam Spade's boots were always rumpled.

Mr. Rourke?

Oh, Mr. Stoughton. No, please forgive me. I was... Sit down, sit down. Oh,

you. May we offer you something to drink? No, no. Thank you.

I've been giving a lot of thought to that dear, gracious lady, your mother

-law. Oh, you mean about the birthday?

You wanted a party, but I thought we ought to do something different to

celebrate the occasion.

Well, that depends.

Mumsy doesn't always like things to be different.

I'd be willing to bet one kind of birthday party she's never had this time

year in New Jersey, you know, is a picnic.

Oh, for heaven's sake, she loves picnics.

There, you see?

Then we must prepare a very special picnic for her.

Um, what else does, uh, dear Mumsy like?

Well, she's very sentimental. She likes old -fashioned things, mushy songs,

Irish tenors.

Pickled eggs.

Good, good. Let's see if we can work out something really nice.

Old -fashioned, sentimental.

Speaking about old -fashioned, now, she's not much of a drinker, but there's

certain kind of punch she likes with a bit of a stick in it, you know?

You're really quite fond of the old lady, aren't you?

No, but my wife is.

And I'm very fond of my wife.

Iris Chandler painted a pretty fair picture of Arthur Hemmings' club.

It looked like one of those second -rate roadhouse joints you find back east.

Oh, come on, Fitz. Come on. I'm just fine. You have too much to drink. I'm

to take you home. I can drive myself home, Fitz.

Peggy, give me the keys.

No. Peggy, Peggy, come on. You're in no condition.

I'm not drunk, Fitz. Peggy, please. Arthur told me to drive you home. He's

worried about you. Of course he is. He's in love with me.

Bye -bye, Fitzy.

The girl's supposed to be being blackmailed by Arthur Hemming. She

spoke well of him.

Going inside. Mr. Schecter?

Oh, Mr. Rourke. I didn't hear you come up.

If you're going to go inside, you better be packing a gun.

Huh? A piece.

A road.

You know, a Roscoe.

A 38 Special.

That's what Bogart used to carry.

I'm afraid the danger my friend portrays is quite real, Mr. Schechter. That's

why we've come.

The situation you're involved in has gone beyond the point I first

Beyond the point where I can control your safety.

Rest assured, we are prepared to refund the price of your fantasy in full, of

course.

It's really that dangerous?

If I'm going to give back money, it's got to be dangerous.

But this is my big case, the one I've dreamed about all my life.

Mr. Schechter, it could very well be the case that ends your life.

Well, if it is, then I will have gone out in style.

I'm staying, Mr. Rourke.

So be it.

But remember, from this point on, there is nothing I can do to help you.

Nothing.

You are totally on your own.

I understand.

And I'm ready.

I think I've just about got this baby wrapped up anyway.

Something wrong, Petra?

Yeah.

I was beginning to like him.

Have you seen Arthur?

Try the office, honey.

Thank you.

Dr. Hemmings.

He's dead.

Mortimer Fox.

$17 ,000?

It was 4 a .m. and I knew now why Mr. Rourke had tried to warn me last night.

The big hard -looking cop was Fallon.

Sergeant Gus Fallon. They weren't buying my story about somebody sapping me. But

I wasn't going to tell them about the marker I found signed by Mortimer Fox.

Come on, Lieutenant.

What reason would I have to kill Arthur Hemmings? I never even saw the man

before yesterday.

Who says a hired killer has to be friends with his target, Schecter?

Draper, you keep this jackass away from here or I will kill somebody. Him!

All right, all right, all right. Look, Stanley, I'm sorry, but we're going to

have to take you in.

Okay, Lieutenant.

I'll come downtown and talk it over.

Everything except who hired me. Now that's confidential.

Are those really necessary? Put them away, Gus. Come on.

Come on.

You didn't see anybody when you went in the office?

Well, I saw him. You think I'd have let him hit me?

Maybe he followed you in.

No, I'd have heard the time the door lock clicked if anybody opened it.

I got a personal stake in this now. I find anything, you're the first cop I

call.

One alpha seven, we got a fugitive. Male Caucasian, 145 pounds.

Short.

Fred, this is just wonderful.

You even remembered to have them put a stick in Muncie's punch.

I've never had a picnic on my birthday before.

You see, everything's going to be fine.

Oh, look.

Pickled eggs.

My sister Thelma always had a picnic for her birthday.

Nobody ever does anything nice for me.

Monsieur, you've created a magnificent outing. Thank you. Thank you very much.

A little more punch, Fonzie?

Yeah, kiddo. And this time, fill it up, will you?

Here you go, Mumsy. Well, that's more like it.

Uh -oh, but they've got to fix Mumsy's punch.

Isn't it wonderful?

Yeah, I guess so.

Not what I call entertainment, though.

All right, all right.

Having difficulty, Tattoo?

No trouble, no trouble.

They tell me Chester is very good.

He beats almost everyone.

He does not make any difference.

With my funny tune, Psychic Power, I know every move before he makes them.

I see.

And besides, he's only a monkey.

Don't you hate a bad winner?

Mm -hmm.

Tu me dois une revanche.

Happy

birthday.

I've never seen you so happy before.

I've never seen you so close before.

Okay, Mumsy, here we go.

Come on, old girl. First, make a wish.

What's that?

Chocolate.

That's entertainment.

Hamming's dead, my neck on the block, and the only solid lead?

The name on that marker I saw before the lights went out.

Mortimer Fox.

An antique dealer, no less.

One of those fashionable shops you don't go to for bargains.

May I help you?

Mr. Fox?

Yes.

Perhaps something in Ming.

Louis Cartos.

I'd prefer some information.

Information? About what?

About the marker I found with your name on it in Arthur Hemming's nightclub.

I'm not required to answer your questions.

Well, maybe not, sweetheart.

But I think you'd rather talk to me than the cop.

That was a mean vase.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, send me the bill. Please, please.

Don't move.

All right.

What do you want to know?

I find your IOU in the hand of a dead gangster, and then somebody saps me from

behind. Now, what do you think I want to know?

Arthur was dead when I walked into his office.

Oh. So when I walk in, naturally, you have no choice but to hit me.

I didn't know who you were. I didn't care.

All I wanted were the markers in Hemming's file.

Gamblers come in all shapes and sizes, don't they?

All you wanted were your markers, huh?

Not only mine.

Everyone's. I mean, if Arthur was torturing me, you can imagine what he

doing to other people.

You got everybody's markers?

Yes. And I'll be sending them back to the people who signed them.

Let me have Peggy Chandler's.

I'll take them back to her personally.

That's all I want, Mr. Fox.

Just the ones from Peggy Chandler.

Don't recall any markers with that name. Here, I'll show you.

See for yourself.

There are no IOUs from Peggy Chandler.

Are you sure?

You didn't miss any?

Positive.

Thank you, Mr. Fox.

Thank you very, very much.

Twenty bucks for the vase, okay?

It was worth eight thousand.

Like I say, just send me the bill.

Mumsie, are you all right?

I almost got killed.

Horses trampling through my birthday party.

You think he cares?

I told you, Florence, before you married him, that selfish man.

You told me, too.

Of all the places in the world we could have gone, you suppose there's any place

worse than this?

Oh, I don't know. The food's not bad.

If nobody minds, I think I'll take a walk.

Oh, sure.

I know the old macho bit.

Remind the wife and kitty to just get up and go.

You just got up and went.

Ah, shut up, Arnold.

Hello, Iris?

Stanley? I think you might be in great danger. We have to meet.

Whatever Peggy or Arthur told you was a lie.

There are no IOUs, sweetheart.

None.

The roadhouse.

The police closed it after the murder.

I'll meet you there at 10 o 'clock tonight.

I know this bungalow is not precisely what most of you have in mind.

The mild way of putting it, dreadful is what it is.

Fortunately, there is another family quite partial to it. In fact, they have

every year.

As a matter of fact, they have it this year, too, starting, well,

tomorrow morning.

I'm a little slow today, Mr. Rourke.

Just what is it you're saying?

I'm afraid I'm saying there's been another laughable little mix -up in the

reservations.

Well,

you are in their bungalow.

Laughable? That's funny. I don't see anybody laughing.

I think I have something even better for you. A marvelous suite in one of our

older buildings. Not so close to the ocean, so it's a lot quieter.

And you won't even need to pack.

Oh, you'll have a drink with me, and the staff will have you out of here within

20 minutes. Mr. Rourke, all my life, I've tried to be a reasonable man.

But you finally reached my breaking point.

And as far as moving, I've got a better idea.

You go have a drink. And figure out somebody else to flim -flam instead of

And give them the heave -ho in 20 minutes.

Someone who's not onto your style yet.

I beg your pardon?

You're a con man. You're a lightweight fraud.

You sell reservations and don't even write them down.

You promise every wild sort of service, short of raising the dead, and you can't

even manage a lousy picnic without making a shambles of it.

It was very, uh, colorful.

There's only one thing I like less than your service, and that's your manner,

which I find very condescending and flip.

Flip? Oh, come on. I'm too old for that. If I want to be treated like a schmo, I

can get that from my own family.

That's the only thing they're good at.

Are you telling me you refuse to move?

Move? We'll move.

Monday morning, from here to the plane.

In the meantime, if there's one hint of bad service or inconvenience, you'll

hear from some lawyers. If there's any discourtesy, that'll be between you and

me, outside, with the coats off.

Well, sir, if that's your attitude.

The two?

Sit down and shut up.

It's happening just as I told you it would.

He's losing his marbles. Oh, I'm losing a lot more than that, Roberta.

Do you know she doesn't like to be called Roberta?

Especially by you.

That's too bad, because Roberta's what I'm going to call her from now on. You

get that, Roberta?

And that's not the only change I'm going to make in this family.

I can feel it coming on now.

Acid indigestion.

Heartburn. The stewardess on the plane will get you something for it.

Plane? The next plane out of here.

Taking your mother back to some of her other kids.

He doesn't want me.

Want you? I never have.

Florence, go help Roberta pack.

Wow, wait till they get you home. And when you're done with that, you might

to come back and help Arnold. Because to coin a phrase, I'm just about fed up

with our son's behavior.

It was 10 o 'clock, the time in any investigation when a good private eye

have to rely on a hunch, a gut feeling.

I could tell by the burning in the pit of my stomach that it was my turn to

gamble, to draw to an inside straight, to bet on the gray horse.

I was so close to breaking this baby wide open I could taste it.

Good God.

Iris!

Chandler.

Oh, I was so worried about you.

I'm okay, you're not.

What do you mean?

No Peggy Chandler markers, Iris.

Didn't you hear me?

Stanley, you're lying to me.

Why are you lying?

Whoever killed Arthur also took the markers.

That's what happened.

Of course that's what happened.

No, Iris, what happened is there never were any markers of Peggy's.

She lied?

Iris, the only thing Peggy lied to her father about was her true relationship

with Arthur Hemmings.

She was having an affair with him.

No. No, that's not true.

Arthur threw you over the minute he laid eyes on your husband's daughter.

He was crazy for her.

That's what you and Hemmings were arguing about at the bar when you

into it.

I never asked you to interfere.

No, but I think you knew I would.

You set me up then, and you set me up again at Hemmings' office.

How can you say those things?

How can you even think them?

Oh, come on, Mrs. Chandler.

All I have to do is ask your husband who told him about Peggy's IOUs. It

couldn't have been Arthur because there never were any markers in the first

place. And it certainly wasn't Peggy.

That leaves only one other person.

Me.

I came back here again.

One final attempt to persuade Arthur to end this foolish infatuation with Peggy.

Well, it got out of hand.

He struck me.

I had to defend myself.

Yeah, with a pair of scissors.

Or some equally sharp instrument in his back. It was an accident. I swear.

Oh, Stanley.

If you feel anything for me, anything at all, you can't turn me in now,

not knowing how I feel about you.

Stanley, we could go away together.

The two of us together.

Yeah? Go away where?

Anywhere you like.

We can go to Miami.

Real.

Now, I couldn't trust you, Iris.

Watching my back every time you're in my arms is not my idea of a healthy,

mature relationship.

No, baby.

You're taking the fall.

I don't think so, darling.

at least not in front of an audience.

Lights, please.

Lights, please.

Did you get all that?

Every word.

Stanley, you did a real nice job.

What about it?

Sergeant, you've got your prisoner. Go on.

Yeah.

And don't forget to read or write.

Once again, she looked at me with those baby blues that carried the 30 ,000

volts.

But this time, I wasn't buying.

At least you got him some peace and quiet.

You're really proud of yourself, hmm, boss?

You should have seen the old lady getting on the plane.

Didn't dare open her mouth.

Hi, Arnold.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure.

Sit down, son.

I've been doing a lot of thinking.

That's terrific.

I know you're mad at me.

No, I'm not mad. I'm angry. Only dogs get mad. When they get mad, they foam at

the mouth, you see?

No foam.

You're funny, Dad.

Oh? We don't want to tell the kids at school about you toying up Mr.

Rourke. A real hero.

I'm no hero.

Yes, you are, Dad. To me, anyway.

Telling Mumsie off the way you did, you've really got guts.

Can I buy you a drink?

Sure. How about a glass of milk?

Why would me?

Okay.

Arnold told me you were out here.

I suppose it was an oversight.

Not tossing me out with everybody else.

Toss you out?

What are you talking about?

You're my wife.

I love you.

Well, if you're going to be pleasant about this, I can be just as damn

as you can, Fred Stout.

I've been telling you that for years.

I take it all back, boss.

This time. You should really be proud of yourself.

Thank you.

You see, Tattoo, being the owner of Fantasy Island means never having to say

you're sorry.

Uh -oh. Here comes more trouble.

Faith such as yours that you could move a mole here.

Almost.

Good morning, Mr. Roark. A small problem.

Mrs. Stoughton and I just realized that, well, we're having such a marvelous

time and... And we wondered if we could stay a few more days.

We don't need a big place.

Anywhere Dad can get some rest.

With all due respect, Mr. Stoughton, you may stay anywhere you want.

Your wish is our command.

Thank you.

Again.

Schechter, was your fantasy all that you anticipated?

Mr. Rourke, it was more than anything I could possibly have dreamed of. I mean,

cracking a big case like that was just... Hold on.

Mr. Rourke, we want to thank you very much.

Yes, it was truly a unique opportunity for our entire cast and company to

rehearse our play in such authentic sense.

I am so glad you pleased, and I hope you have a very pleasant journey. Thank

you. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

You mean it was all a play?

It was all just make -believe?

Was it really, Mr. Schechter?

Perhaps that's a mystery you can unravel on the plume.

Goodbye. And good luck.

Bye.

Goodbye.

The two I just noticed.

You're not wearing your turban.

I keep that up.

I don't think there is such a thing as mind reading.

Oh?

Well, I suppose that's a valuable lesson to have learned.

No.

No what?

No, you may not have a $20 advance on your salary so you can go to the disco

tonight. One must learn to live within one's own budget.

How did you know?

I just thought to ask you a few minutes ago.

Really?

Mm -hmm.