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1
00:00:02,937 --> 00:00:05,838
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:09,141
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:09,143 --> 00:00:12,711
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:15,714
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:19,218
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:22,521
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,123
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:25,958
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:31,063
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:38,404
And that is why chest hair
11
00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:42,307
is on its way... back.
12
00:00:42,309 --> 00:00:43,575
Hey, guys.
I got something for you,
13
00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:45,978
an invitation for each
of you to Quagfest.
14
00:00:45,980 --> 00:00:48,180
Quagfest?
What's that?
15
00:00:48,182 --> 00:00:49,848
"You and a guest
are cordially invited
16
00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:53,052
"to witness Glenn Quagmire's
1,000th sexual conquest
17
00:00:53,054 --> 00:00:56,155
"at Quagfest,
a three-day festival celebrating
18
00:00:56,157 --> 00:00:58,323
the three F's:
food, fun, and..."
19
00:00:58,325 --> 00:01:00,325
Oh, my.
20
00:01:00,327 --> 00:01:02,394
Yeah, they almost wouldn't print
that at Kinko's.
21
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,163
Damn! 1,000 women?
22
00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:06,432
Well, 1,000
sexual conquests.
23
00:01:06,434 --> 00:01:08,434
(chuckles)
No further questions.
24
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,102
Sounds like fun, Glenn!
25
00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:11,603
Yeah, I'm closing down
the whole street.
26
00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:13,072
It's gonna be
like a block party
27
00:01:13,074 --> 00:01:15,774
but with way more weirdos
grinding up against your wives.
28
00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:17,276
That sounds awesome!
29
00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:19,278
There hasn't been that kind
of excitement on our street
30
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:21,847
since we had that big Dumpster
in our front yard.
31
00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:24,116
Can someone take out
the garbage?
32
00:01:24,118 --> 00:01:25,784
I will!
33
00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:28,520
(ascending stairs)
34
00:01:28,522 --> 00:01:30,522
PETER:
Yeah!
35
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:32,858
Yeah! Smash! Boom!
36
00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:34,193
Someone stop him.
37
00:01:34,195 --> 00:01:36,862
Last time, he threw out
our whole bedroom.
38
00:01:36,864 --> 00:01:39,198
STEWIE:
I'm still in here!
39
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:40,732
Oh, big Dumpster--
that-that reminds me,
40
00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:43,368
Ice-T's wife is also coming
to Quagfest.
41
00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:44,803
And in local news,
42
00:01:44,805 --> 00:01:46,939
Hollywood comes to Quahog,
almost,
43
00:01:46,941 --> 00:01:49,374
as three hours from here
in Waterbury, Connecticut,
44
00:01:49,376 --> 00:01:52,377
Liam Neeson has begun shooting
his latest film.
45
00:01:52,379 --> 00:01:55,280
His new project is reportedly
an historical epic,
46
00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:56,882
in which Mr. Neeson stars
47
00:01:56,884 --> 00:01:59,418
as a vengeance-crazed
Albert Einstein.
48
00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:01,887
Channel Five News
has this exclusive first look
49
00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:05,057
that I taped off my VCR
from Entertainment Tonight.
50
00:02:05,059 --> 00:02:07,392
All right,
I'll give you the formula.
51
00:02:07,394 --> 00:02:11,130
My foot equals
your balls squared.
52
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,234
Pfft. Liam Neeson. What a fraud.
53
00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:17,336
Oh, come on, Peter.
Not this again.
54
00:02:17,338 --> 00:02:20,405
What? He's a fake tough guy.
I could totally kick his ass.
55
00:02:20,407 --> 00:02:21,640
Knock it off.
We've had to hear
56
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:23,408
this same speech
a million times.
57
00:02:23,410 --> 00:02:25,511
Yeah, every time you get
a couple of beers in you,
58
00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:28,113
we have to hear all about
how you can beat up Liam Neeson.
59
00:02:28,115 --> 00:02:29,982
That's not true.
Yes, it is.
60
00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:33,285
What about that time we
snuck beers into the opera?
61
00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:35,354
(singing)
62
00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:49,234
(continues singing)
63
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:58,010
(crescendoes)
64
00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:02,781
PETER (slurred): I could
totally beat up Liam Neeson.
65
00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:04,850
(resumes singing)
66
00:03:13,460 --> 00:03:15,294
Hey, you know this old woman
who lived in a shoe,
67
00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:17,529
she had so many children,
she didn't know what to do?
68
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,864
I got something
she could do.
69
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:20,532
Get your tubes tied,
you kook!
70
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,367
Hey, how you doing
on that chocolate milk?
71
00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:23,702
You need
a little freshen-up?
72
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:25,971
There's
my little sweetie.
73
00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:27,472
Are you ready
to go home, Stewie?
74
00:03:27,474 --> 00:03:29,308
Oh, Lois,
I'm glad you're here.
75
00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:31,677
I noticed that you're one
of the moms who hasn't yet
76
00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:33,345
signed up to be
a classroom volunteer.
77
00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:36,348
Oh, I-I just assumed after
that incident in the parking lot
78
00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:38,884
with that bitch in the Lexus,
you wouldn't want me to.
79
00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:42,187
But, yeah, I'd be happy
to help out in the class.
80
00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:44,489
What? I don't want you here.
This is my turf.
81
00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:46,825
I don't bother you when you're
sitting on the washing machine,
82
00:03:46,827 --> 00:03:48,994
screaming Aaron Eckhart's name.
83
00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:51,663
Great! We'd love to have you
start tomorrow, if you're free.
84
00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:54,166
Sure, let me just
check my schedule.
85
00:03:54,168 --> 00:03:58,370
Hmm, I guess I could
just get the mail at night.
86
00:03:58,372 --> 00:04:00,439
(indistinct chatter,
music playing)
87
00:04:04,211 --> 00:04:07,746
Wow, Quagfest is a bigger deal
than I thought.
88
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,548
Oh, look, here's a simulation
89
00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:12,684
of what it's like to have sex
with Quagmire.
90
00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:17,689
Hi.
91
00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:19,424
(sips)
92
00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:23,462
Bye!
93
00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:27,132
(marching band playing)
94
00:04:29,236 --> 00:04:31,236
All right, kids,
now pay attention, all right?
95
00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:34,373
These are all of Quagmire's
women organized by country.
96
00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:36,441
There's Brazil.
97
00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:39,211
There's Italy.
98
00:04:39,213 --> 00:04:41,213
And there's Thailand. Wow.
99
00:04:41,215 --> 00:04:44,816
Wow, they're young.
We should go.
100
00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:47,486
I'd like to thank you all
for coming to Quagfest.
101
00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:50,055
Now, no celebration
of my 1,000th would be complete
102
00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:51,723
without first meeting
number one.
103
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:54,826
Here she is, all the way from
Weathersfield Elementary School,
104
00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:56,895
Miss Eleanor!
(applause)
105
00:05:03,570 --> 00:05:05,904
Do I still get
a piece of candy after?
106
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:07,205
(laughter)
107
00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:10,509
Nice lady.
108
00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:12,177
All right, we've met number one.
109
00:05:12,179 --> 00:05:14,846
Now let's meet number 1,000!
110
00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:16,915
(dramatic rock music playing)
111
00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:26,792
Ladies and gentlemen,
my 1,000th sexual conquest is...
112
00:05:26,794 --> 00:05:28,860
this largemouth bass!
113
00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:31,463
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
114
00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:33,265
I'm weird.
115
00:05:33,267 --> 00:05:35,267
I thought I was here
to watch normal intercourse
116
00:05:35,269 --> 00:05:36,935
on a residential street.
117
00:05:36,937 --> 00:05:39,171
Children, we're leaving!
118
00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:46,645
Oh, this'll be so fun
119
00:05:46,647 --> 00:05:48,647
volunteering in
your class, Stewie.
120
00:05:48,649 --> 00:05:50,315
Eat my button,
you whore.
121
00:05:50,317 --> 00:05:52,317
Oh, Lois, I'm so
glad you're here.
122
00:05:52,319 --> 00:05:54,186
I got to run out
to the parking lot.
123
00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:56,188
I'm buying cigarettes
from some guy on Craigslist.
124
00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:58,623
Go ahead.
I'll handle the kids.
125
00:05:58,625 --> 00:06:00,625
(crying)
126
00:06:00,627 --> 00:06:02,861
Oh, Landon,
what's the matter?
127
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:05,964
Aw, did you spill juice
on yourself, sweetheart?
128
00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:08,300
"Sweetheart"? Slow your roll
there, Cougar Town.
129
00:06:08,302 --> 00:06:11,036
Well, let's get you cleaned up.
And you know what?
130
00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:13,805
For today,
you can be my little helper.
131
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:16,641
What the hell?! If anyone should
be her helper, it should be me.
132
00:06:16,643 --> 00:06:18,844
She's my mother.
We're supposed to be a team.
133
00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:21,413
Like the Lone Ranger and Tonto.
134
00:06:21,415 --> 00:06:23,548
Well, Tonto, the bad guys
are going to jail.
135
00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,817
Looks like this little town
is safe again.
136
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:27,419
Yes, Kemosabe.
137
00:06:27,421 --> 00:06:28,687
So, uh, what do you say?
138
00:06:28,689 --> 00:06:30,689
Want to grab a drink,
maybe dinner?
139
00:06:30,691 --> 00:06:33,759
Sorry. Me no like to
hang with work people.
140
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:41,900
Well, I got to hand
it to you, Quagmire.
141
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,902
That Quagfest
was some party.
142
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,671
Yeah, except I got molested
in the House of Mirrors
143
00:06:46,673 --> 00:06:49,674
by either one man
or 100 identical men.
144
00:06:49,676 --> 00:06:52,043
Could've used a
heads-up on that one.
145
00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:55,046
Yeah, I'll tell you who might
want a heads-up: Liam Neeson.
146
00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:56,681
Oh, for God's sake!
147
00:06:56,683 --> 00:06:59,050
'Cause someday,
I'm gonna kick his ass.
148
00:06:59,052 --> 00:07:00,218
Damn it, Peter,
I'm sick of this!
149
00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:01,953
I've had it!
Me, too.
150
00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:04,122
I mean, we just had a
great day of fun and rides
151
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:05,757
and finger-sniffing,
and all you can talk about
152
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,526
is fighting some guy
you've never even met!
153
00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:09,361
Yeah, he's lucky
we've never met.
154
00:07:09,363 --> 00:07:11,296
I'd knock his teeth
down his throat
155
00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:13,298
and out his stupid
Irish fudge knot.
156
00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:14,966
You know what?
You're full of it.
157
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,768
If you were ever face-to-face
with Liam Neeson,
158
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:17,869
you'd crap your pants.
159
00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:18,970
No, I wouldn't.
160
00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:20,305
Well, fine.
Let's prove it.
161
00:07:20,307 --> 00:07:22,240
Put up or shut up.
Right now.
162
00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:24,042
What? What are
you talking about?
163
00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:26,244
Well, we know where
Liam Neeson is.
164
00:07:26,246 --> 00:07:28,880
That's right! He's shooting
a movie in Connecticut!
165
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:31,049
We could be there
in three hours.
166
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:32,384
All right, great.
167
00:07:32,386 --> 00:07:34,886
Liam Neeson has three more hours
to live.
168
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:36,221
Let's do this.
169
00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:37,289
All right!
Yeah!
170
00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:39,758
I've never been
to Connecticut!
171
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,159
Hang on, fellas.
172
00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:43,762
I actually have been
to Connecticut one time.
173
00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:46,231
To meet Loretta
at a McDonald's parking lot
174
00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:48,567
to pick up my son,
Cleveland, Jr.
175
00:07:48,569 --> 00:07:51,436
I cried in my sedan,
in front of my boy.
176
00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:54,573
It was sad.
That's why I fibbed on it.
177
00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:56,775
I'm sorry.
Can we do a happy yell again
178
00:07:56,777 --> 00:07:58,977
to get the taste out
of my mouth? All right!
179
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,979
Yeah!
Yeah!
I've been to Connecticut!
180
00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:09,421
All right, Peter,
Liam Neeson must be
181
00:08:09,423 --> 00:08:10,989
on the other side
of that barrier.
182
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:13,758
We just got to get you on that
set, so you can kick his ass.
183
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:17,195
We're so close, I can
almost taste his ass.
184
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:18,797
Can I help you?
185
00:08:18,799 --> 00:08:20,799
Hello, sir.
We're here to see Liam Neeson,
186
00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:23,468
the guy who wears the same
long jacket in all his movies.
187
00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:25,604
Sorry, this is
a closed set.
188
00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:28,006
Peter, you're never gonna
get close enough to Liam Neeson
189
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,608
to throw a punch
at the guy.
190
00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:32,143
That's why I got to lure
him out here to come to me.
191
00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:34,112
Remember, Liam
Neeson's Irish.
192
00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:36,448
That's why I'm dressing
up as the one woman
193
00:08:36,450 --> 00:08:40,652
no Irishman can resist:
Mrs. Potato Head.
194
00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:42,988
PETER (high-pitched):
Ooh, Mrs. Potato Head here!
195
00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:46,625
Any Irish actors around
who might be interested in me?
196
00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:48,293
You're damn right, darlin'.
197
00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:50,395
Colin Farrell?
What are you doing here?
198
00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:51,863
Shoo! Shoo! Get away!
199
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:54,799
Oh-ho, you're
a feisty potato.
200
00:08:56,970 --> 00:09:00,038
(normal voice):
The back is all
mashed potatoes now.
201
00:09:01,842 --> 00:09:04,376
Okay, guys, there's no better
way to draw out an Irishman
202
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:06,878
than setting up
a confession booth.
203
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:14,019
LIAM NEESON:
Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.
204
00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:16,688
It has been one day
since my last confession.
205
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,023
Go on, my son.
206
00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:19,691
I killed
200 wolves.
207
00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:21,826
After the movie,
I got the taste for it.
208
00:09:21,828 --> 00:09:23,228
Did you kill them quickly?
209
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:25,163
No. Wolves
must be tortured.
210
00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:27,666
The best way to kill wolves
is to kill their leader,
211
00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:31,570
wear his skin, kiss some of
the wolves, then kill them.
212
00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:34,172
I also steal small
items from 7-Eleven.
213
00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:36,241
SweeTarts, Jolly
Ranchers, and the like.
214
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:37,776
Sometimes
a lighter.
215
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:39,377
I don't
even smoke.
216
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:41,713
Sometimes I roll up
those tattoo magazines,
217
00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:43,348
stuff 'em
up my sleeve.
218
00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:46,017
If I get caught, I just
tell the man I forgot.
219
00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:48,687
Then, of course, it's
back to murdering wolves.
220
00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:51,122
All right.
Uh, that'll be, uh...
221
00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:52,857
three Hail Marys.
222
00:09:52,859 --> 00:09:54,359
Tough but fair.
223
00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:56,695
Thank you, Father.
224
00:09:57,698 --> 00:09:59,064
Uh, hey, not so fast!
225
00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:01,566
Excuse me, sir. We were sent
here by the production.
226
00:10:01,568 --> 00:10:03,635
Are you the guy who's been
looking for Liam Neeson?
227
00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:06,037
I am.
Do you mind if
we ask what for?
228
00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:08,206
Yeah, I was hopin'
to inflict violence upon him.
229
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:10,308
All right,
you're coming with us.
230
00:10:10,310 --> 00:10:11,643
Don't worry, Peter!
231
00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:14,546
We'll raise your bail money
as soon as we can!
232
00:10:15,549 --> 00:10:17,215
Uh, excuse me, sir.
233
00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:18,650
My phone's not working.
234
00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:22,020
Do you mind if I follow
you home and use yours?
235
00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:27,559
All right, kids,
236
00:10:27,561 --> 00:10:29,561
Miss Tammy's in her car
yelling at her boyfriend
237
00:10:29,563 --> 00:10:33,365
on the phone again, so it
looks like I'm doing lunch.
238
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:38,236
Okay, Landon,
time to sabotage you
239
00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:41,272
with the most dangerous thing
in the world for a toddler:
240
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:43,742
a whole, uncut grape.
241
00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:48,246
God, look how fat
kids are getting.
242
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:50,081
Oh, Landon, no!
243
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:51,983
Uh-uh, you could
choke on that!
244
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,586
Did your mommy forget to
slice your grapes for you?
245
00:10:54,588 --> 00:10:56,254
Here, let me help.
246
00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:58,490
Ugh, there's nothing
to cut these with.
247
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,862
Oh, that's it, Landon!
248
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:05,597
If you're gonna
seduce my mother,
249
00:11:05,599 --> 00:11:07,666
then I shall seduce yours.
250
00:11:07,668 --> 00:11:11,202
I'll be as irresistible to her
as wood is to a woodchuck.
251
00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:13,972
Mom, Dad, I've done
a lot of thinking,
252
00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:16,875
and I've decided I don't want
to go into the family business.
253
00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:18,677
I want to be
a doctor.
254
00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:21,012
Hmm. Let's try that on
for size.
255
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:24,649
How much disease could
a woodchuck doctor cure
256
00:11:24,651 --> 00:11:27,552
if a woodchuck doctor
could cure disease?
257
00:11:27,554 --> 00:11:29,387
Is that sounding right to you?
258
00:11:29,389 --> 00:11:31,189
No.
259
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:33,024
Hey, Jimmy?
Yeah, Dad?
260
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,959
Next time, if you have an idea,
261
00:11:34,961 --> 00:11:38,363
run it through the test
before you embarrass yourself.
262
00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:44,736
(buzzer sounds,
door opens and closes)
263
00:11:44,738 --> 00:11:45,970
Wake up, Griffin.
264
00:11:45,972 --> 00:11:48,306
Your bail's been posted.
265
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,208
What time is it?
266
00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:54,512
I did.
267
00:11:54,514 --> 00:11:57,582
Oh, sorry. I thought you were
gonna ask something else.
268
00:11:57,584 --> 00:12:00,418
Liam Neeson?!
You posted my bail?!
269
00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:02,654
That's right. I hear
you've been all over town
270
00:12:02,656 --> 00:12:04,989
saying you could kick my arse.
271
00:12:04,991 --> 00:12:07,559
Well, there's no time
like the present.
272
00:12:11,498 --> 00:12:15,366
Go ahead, take...
your best... shot.
273
00:12:15,368 --> 00:12:16,935
Oh, no, no, no,
Mr. Neeson,
274
00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:18,203
you heard wrong.
275
00:12:18,205 --> 00:12:20,572
There's nobody who
respects you more than I do.
276
00:12:20,574 --> 00:12:23,374
May I offer you the most
sincere, honest apology I...?
277
00:12:23,376 --> 00:12:24,843
Ha, ha!
278
00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:26,444
Ow! Ah, damn it!
279
00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:29,047
My hands are stinging
from the vibrations!
280
00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:30,448
My turn.
281
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:31,683
Aah!
282
00:12:31,685 --> 00:12:33,752
ANNOUNCER:
Will Liam Neeson punch Peter?
283
00:12:33,754 --> 00:12:36,421
Will Stewie stop being jealousof his mom or something?
284
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:39,190
Stay tuned for the thrillingconclusion of this story,
285
00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:41,993
and the just-regular conclusionof the other story.
286
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,634
Oh, please don't hurt me!
287
00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:52,570
I was just trying to seem
tough in front of my friends!
288
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:54,305
Well, you're in trouble
now, lad.
289
00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:57,375
I've been a world-famous
tough guy since I was 55.
290
00:12:57,377 --> 00:12:58,710
Please, please,
I'll do anything!
291
00:12:58,712 --> 00:13:00,645
Anything you want,
just don't kill me!
292
00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:02,380
What could you possibly
do for me?
293
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:04,048
I'll-I'll-I'll
shine your shoes,
294
00:13:04,050 --> 00:13:05,383
or scrub your toilets!
295
00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:06,751
Or coil your penis!
296
00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:07,919
The Internet tells
me that's something
297
00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:09,554
you might have
a need for.
298
00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:12,924
Hmm... well, that could save me
some time in the morning.
299
00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:15,593
Whatever it takes for
you to not beat me up.
300
00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:16,928
All right, it's a deal.
301
00:13:16,930 --> 00:13:18,763
You can help me
with some chores.
302
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:21,299
But one slip-up,
and you'll be deader
303
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:24,435
than the first man to die
in the Battle of the Boyne.
304
00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:25,670
(men shouting, weapon firing)
305
00:13:25,672 --> 00:13:26,838
(groans)
306
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,239
(gagging)
307
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:30,308
(weaponry firing in distance)
308
00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:38,283
Normally when we do those,
there's-there's, like, a joke.
309
00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:40,819
I'm not your clown.
310
00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:50,595
All right, Landon,
let's see how you like it
311
00:13:50,597 --> 00:13:52,664
when someone moves in
on your territory.
312
00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:57,101
Let's just say your mom's about
to see a diaper rashy scrotum.
313
00:13:58,438 --> 00:14:01,606
Wow, I didn't know Landon
had a younger sister.
314
00:14:01,608 --> 00:14:04,309
Oh, hi. Aren't you a cutie.
315
00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:06,311
Oh, my God,
this is gonna happen.
316
00:14:06,313 --> 00:14:08,513
Okay, go run along
with your teacher.
317
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,114
Time for me to go.
318
00:14:10,116 --> 00:14:11,716
W-Wait, wait,
don't leave!
319
00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:12,951
Ow! My knee!
320
00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:15,119
(crying)
321
00:14:15,121 --> 00:14:17,522
Oh, sweetie,
did you get a boo-boo?
322
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,591
Here, let me kiss it
and make it better.
323
00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:23,595
Okay, that's
more like it.
324
00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:29,767
Oh, I certainly hope no one sees
Landon's mom bobbing for Stew.
325
00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:33,738
Yeah, get in there.
326
00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:35,206
Damn it, she's
not watching.
327
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,574
You keep going, though.
328
00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:39,043
Don't forget about the
underneath part of my knee.
329
00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:45,483
Okay, Peter, I've got
a list of chores here.
330
00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:48,653
Um, first, I've been summoned
to be a potential juror,
331
00:14:48,655 --> 00:14:50,321
but I don't want to go,
332
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,423
so I need you to report
in my name.
333
00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:55,660
Prospective juror number 17,
the defendant is a kraken.
334
00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:58,429
Would you have any problem
convicting a kraken?
335
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:01,833
Um, I would try to be fair,
but, uh, I am on record,
336
00:15:01,835 --> 00:15:04,502
you know, very famously,
as having released a kraken.
337
00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:07,739
Your Honor, we'd like to thank
and excuse juror number 17.
338
00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:10,375
Hey, man, thanks.
339
00:15:10,377 --> 00:15:12,010
Yeah, good luck, man.
340
00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:16,681
Okay, I have another
important job for you.
341
00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:18,683
I want you to take
over my Twitter feed
342
00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:21,019
and tweet back
to my fans.
343
00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,356
(typing)
344
00:15:28,695 --> 00:15:30,561
See? Like that.
345
00:15:30,563 --> 00:15:33,431
You get the gist of
what my Twitter is about.
346
00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:37,802
Peter, I was
at an outdoor mall today,
347
00:15:37,804 --> 00:15:40,939
and there was a kiosk selling
little remote control cars.
348
00:15:40,941 --> 00:15:42,941
One of them drove
right up to me.
349
00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:44,442
(laughs)
350
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:47,812
It was very funny and enjoyable,
so what I need you to do is
351
00:15:47,814 --> 00:15:51,082
to go to a local gym and ask men
to pee in your hands.
352
00:15:51,084 --> 00:15:53,818
I-I don't see the
connection there.
353
00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:55,753
Do I need
to repeat myself?
354
00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:57,622
The car came
right up to me.
355
00:15:57,624 --> 00:16:01,159
It... it did spins
and had flashing lights.
356
00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:02,794
I enjoyed it.
357
00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:05,296
Go to the gym,
kneel down in the shower,
358
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:08,499
and ask strange men
to pee in your cupped hands.
359
00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:10,168
(sighs)
360
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:11,602
(water running)
361
00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:13,738
Hey, man, did Liam
Neeson send you?
362
00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:15,340
(chuckles)
363
00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:17,976
Yeah, he loves
them little cars.
364
00:16:24,017 --> 00:16:26,584
All right, guys, how are
we doing on Peter's bail money?
365
00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:28,486
I got my whole family
praying on it.
366
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:29,754
Well, that's
very helpful.
367
00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:31,189
How about you, Joe?
368
00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:33,758
Oh, Bonnie won't let me
spend any more money on Peter
369
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,760
because he's not
very nice to me.
370
00:16:35,762 --> 00:16:37,261
Hey, guys.
What the hell?!
371
00:16:37,263 --> 00:16:39,263
You're out of jail!
How'd you get out?
372
00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:41,366
With my smooth
talki... ta...
373
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:43,601
My... I used...
I... My... word...
374
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:45,636
My... I words...
I used words.
375
00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:47,105
Wow. Glad you're back.
376
00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:48,606
So, you ready to admit
377
00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:50,842
you're never gonna kick
Liam Neeson's ass?
378
00:16:50,844 --> 00:16:53,978
It just so happens,
Joe, that I already did.
379
00:16:53,980 --> 00:16:55,279
You what?!
380
00:16:55,281 --> 00:16:56,681
If you beat up
Liam Neeson,
381
00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:58,316
how come it wasn't
in the papers?
382
00:16:58,318 --> 00:16:59,951
Oh, you know, he's a big star.
383
00:16:59,953 --> 00:17:01,619
He had the whole thing
covered up.
384
00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:03,788
Everybody knows Irish Catholics
control the media.
385
00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:06,024
(phone buzzing)
386
00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:11,462
Oop, uh, oh, Chris
was shot at school.
387
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:14,298
(chuckles) If it's not
one thing, it's another.
388
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:20,138
You know what?
I-I've thought about it.
389
00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:21,539
Do what you want
with Landon.
390
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,875
Just don't do it
in front of me, all right?
391
00:17:23,877 --> 00:17:25,243
Oh, hi, Landon.
392
00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:26,978
How are you today, cutie?
393
00:17:26,980 --> 00:17:29,180
Aah! What did I
just tell you?!
394
00:17:29,182 --> 00:17:30,982
I hate this! I hate you!
395
00:17:30,984 --> 00:17:32,216
I hate everything!
396
00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:34,652
(sobbing)
397
00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:36,587
Oh, Stewie, you're upset.
398
00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:38,923
Are... are you jealous?
399
00:17:38,925 --> 00:17:41,192
Yes! You've destroyed us!
400
00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:43,194
Were you at least safe?
401
00:17:43,196 --> 00:17:45,496
Oh, don't worry, sweetie.
402
00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:47,732
You'll always be
my favorite little boy.
403
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:50,501
I will?
404
00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:57,842
And besides, my week
as a helper mommy is done now,
405
00:17:57,844 --> 00:18:01,779
so when you come home today,
you'll have me all to yourself.
406
00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:03,614
Oh. Ok... Okay.
407
00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:05,349
(sniffles)
408
00:18:05,351 --> 00:18:07,285
Hey, you-you hear that,
Landon?
409
00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:10,254
That's how you keep
your bitch in line.
410
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:16,127
So, you know, Jar Jar
wasn't there the whole time.
411
00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:17,895
It was just a
green screen.
412
00:18:17,897 --> 00:18:19,730
Yes, I heard you
say that earlier.
413
00:18:19,732 --> 00:18:21,032
(knocking on door)
QUAGMIRE: Peter?
414
00:18:21,034 --> 00:18:23,935
Quagmire? Cleveland?!
415
00:18:23,937 --> 00:18:25,703
And me.
I'm here, too.
416
00:18:25,705 --> 00:18:27,305
You're wh...?
What are you doing here?
417
00:18:27,307 --> 00:18:29,407
Well, you were acting weird,
so we followed you.
418
00:18:29,409 --> 00:18:30,808
We want to know
what's going on.
419
00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:32,376
Well, h-how'd you
guys get on the set?
420
00:18:32,378 --> 00:18:34,378
I bit the security guard
in the nards.
421
00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:37,715
I don't like to do it a lot,
but you're my friend, Peter.
422
00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:39,050
Who are these
two idiots?
423
00:18:39,052 --> 00:18:39,984
JOE: Three.
Three idiots.
424
00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:40,985
Big fan.
425
00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:42,553
And what's up
with Liam Neeson?
426
00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:44,055
You said
you kicked his ass.
427
00:18:44,057 --> 00:18:45,223
(sighs)
428
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:46,224
Look, you guys, I...
429
00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:48,226
I lied about that.
430
00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:49,227
What?!
431
00:18:49,229 --> 00:18:50,928
I acted like such a big man,
432
00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:53,564
and I didn't want to admit
I was a coward.
433
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:56,100
I was too scared
to fight Liam Neeson.
434
00:18:56,102 --> 00:18:58,269
That's why he's
my big fat houseboy now.
435
00:18:58,271 --> 00:19:00,238
Now, Peter,
I'm out of crackers,
436
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:01,572
and I'm gluten-free,
437
00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:03,774
so what I need you to
do is go to a local gym
438
00:19:03,776 --> 00:19:05,409
and ask men to
pee in your hands.
439
00:19:05,411 --> 00:19:06,944
What the hell?!
440
00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:09,313
Come on, what are you
waiting for, Griffin?
441
00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:12,783
No, Liam, I'm not doing
your stupid chores anymore.
442
00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:14,785
And there's something else
I got to tell you.
443
00:19:14,787 --> 00:19:16,287
Your story thread
in Love, Actually
444
00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:18,289
is the second worst.
445
00:19:18,291 --> 00:19:19,924
You better take that back.
446
00:19:19,926 --> 00:19:23,761
No way your son would learn the
drums in that amount of time.
447
00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:25,296
Oh, that tears it!
448
00:19:25,298 --> 00:19:26,664
(groans)
449
00:19:29,602 --> 00:19:31,836
(grunting)
450
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,704
(grunting)
451
00:19:33,706 --> 00:19:35,106
Aah!
(grunts)
452
00:19:35,108 --> 00:19:37,108
(grunts)
453
00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:41,612
(grunting)
454
00:19:43,449 --> 00:19:45,183
(glass squeaking)
455
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:56,694
(both grunting)
456
00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:00,231
(gasping)
457
00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:01,532
(groans)
458
00:20:02,735 --> 00:20:04,468
(groaning)
459
00:20:04,470 --> 00:20:06,504
(groaning)
JOE:
Hey, Peter, you're
up there now?
460
00:20:06,506 --> 00:20:07,972
Who's winning?
461
00:20:07,974 --> 00:20:09,040
Aah!
462
00:20:09,976 --> 00:20:11,042
(coughs)
463
00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:19,350
(whimpering)
464
00:20:19,352 --> 00:20:20,918
(screaming)
465
00:20:22,822 --> 00:20:24,488
(yells in pain)
466
00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:33,064
Now, if you'll excuse me,
467
00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:35,733
I'm off to get a free
movie set haircut.
468
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,336
Damn it!
469
00:20:38,338 --> 00:20:41,239
I was stupid to think I
could beat up Liam Neeson.
470
00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:43,241
You guys must
think I'm pathetic.
471
00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:46,244
Are you kidding?
You took on the star of Kinsey!
472
00:20:46,246 --> 00:20:47,945
Yeah, and more
importantly,
473
00:20:47,947 --> 00:20:50,381
you followed through
on your drunken ravings.
474
00:20:50,383 --> 00:20:52,416
Wow. I guess
you're right.
475
00:20:52,418 --> 00:20:53,784
Thanks, guys.
476
00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:55,620
You know, I guess
the lesson here is,
477
00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:57,121
Oskar Schindler
wasn't real.
478
00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:58,856
And neither was
anything in that movie.
479
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,524
I-I-I don't think
that's the lesson.
480
00:21:00,526 --> 00:21:02,593
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