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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:07,873
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,875 --> 00:00:11,543
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:14,546
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:18,017
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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00:00:18,019 --> 00:00:21,387
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:22,955
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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ANNOUNCER: We now return to
D.J. Butcher: Deejay Butcher.
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♪ ♪
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(shouting over music):
Hey, bro!
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00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:46,245
Hey! You requesting a song or
ordering some sliced meat?
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00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:48,580
Meat! Half a pound
of turkey, please.
15
00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:49,915
You want a sample?
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00:00:49,917 --> 00:00:51,583
You mean like
a slice of turkey,
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00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:53,919
or like a short section
of one musical recording
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00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:56,588
that's been digitally repurposed
to be part of a new song?
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00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:57,589
I don't know.
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00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,558
I might quit this job.
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00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,660
God, late-night TV
is all terrible.
22
00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:03,395
Oh, we don't have
to watch this.
23
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,831
We could turn to channel 875
and watch Conan.
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00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:07,433
Here, let me see
what else is on.
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00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:10,102
(laughter, applause)
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00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:13,005
In honor of Sammy,
on the bus ride over here,
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00:01:13,007 --> 00:01:14,440
we all sat in the back.
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(laughter)
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00:01:18,079 --> 00:01:20,112
Lucille Ball was
back there with us,
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00:01:20,114 --> 00:01:22,114
and I saw her smoking a Cuban.
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00:01:22,116 --> 00:01:23,949
Then Desi zipped up his fly.
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(laughter)
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00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,387
(chuckles)
Whose wedding is this?
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00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:29,855
It's hilarious.
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00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:31,457
Peter, it's not a wedding,
it's an infomercial
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00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:33,392
for The Dean MartinCelebrity Roasts.
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00:01:33,394 --> 00:01:35,194
Wait, you mean Comedy Central
didn't invent those?
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00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:36,228
No.
39
00:01:36,230 --> 00:01:37,396
Well, what about funny news?
40
00:01:37,398 --> 00:01:38,363
Did they invent that?
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00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:39,398
N-Not really.
42
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:40,532
But they invented comedy.
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00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:41,867
They didn't
invent anything.
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00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:44,069
Well, they centralized it,
that we know.
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Man, look at these people.
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00:01:45,406 --> 00:01:46,572
They don't breathe.
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00:01:46,574 --> 00:01:48,240
They just drink
and smoke and laugh.
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00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:49,274
I want to do that.
49
00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:50,409
What are you
talking about?
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00:01:50,411 --> 00:01:51,710
You want to
have a roast?
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00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:53,245
Yeah! Look, he's the man
of the hour.
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00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:54,313
Everybody loves him.
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00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:55,747
They got his picture
in a circle.
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How do they do that?
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00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:59,184
Pictures come in squares.
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00:02:03,090 --> 00:02:04,723
Hey, Cleveland,
how tall are you?
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00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:05,958
I don't know.
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00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,759
Cadillac come up
to about here on me.
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00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,728
All right, so I guess I am
the tallest one of us.
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00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:11,497
What are you talking
about? I'm six-two.
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00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:13,599
Says so right here on
my driver's license.
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00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:14,766
Yeah, that-that
doesn't count.
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00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:15,767
Why not?
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00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:17,002
You're gonna
make me say it?
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Lay me out
on the floor.
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00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:19,738
I'm six-two.
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00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:20,739
Hey, you guys.
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00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:22,241
Peter, how tall am I?
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00:02:22,243 --> 00:02:24,109
I don't know,
how tall is a mailbox?
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00:02:24,111 --> 00:02:25,444
You're about
a mailbox.
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00:02:25,446 --> 00:02:27,679
But listen, I-I want
you guys to roast me.
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00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:29,781
What, you mean
like they do on TV?
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That's right, I want to be
the man of the hour.
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00:02:31,952 --> 00:02:34,353
And I want all my pals
to give me a good ribbing.
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00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:36,788
Can we work blue,
like Marlin Johnson?
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00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:39,258
♪ Oh-ee, oh-ee,
hey-yo, ha. ♪
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00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:41,260
Oh, you know
it, homey!
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00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:44,163
Huh, all right,
that could be fun.
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00:02:44,165 --> 00:02:46,498
Great. And you fellas
shouldn't pull any punches.
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Just let me have it.
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00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:48,967
Nothing is off-limits.
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00:02:48,969 --> 00:02:50,469
Geez, Peter,
you're more excited
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00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:52,638
than Adrian Peterson
at an arboretum.
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00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:55,307
Daddy, what kind
of tree is that?
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00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:59,578
Man, I want to beat you
with so many things around here.
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00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:08,353
JOE: Ladies and gentlemen
and people who have wandered in
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00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,322
from the Chinese wedding
next door,
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welcome to the roast
of Peter Griffin,
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00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:15,694
with your roast master
Glenn Quagmire.
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00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:17,296
(applause)
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00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:18,964
Thank you, thank you,
thank you very much.
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00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:20,666
Joe, I'd tell you
to take your seat,
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00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:23,068
but I'd be
about 15 years too late.
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00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:24,937
(laughter)
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Ha! And we're off.
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00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:30,876
Well, what can I say about the
man of the hour, Peter Griffin?
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00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:32,411
Oh, boy, here
it comes.
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00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:34,746
Well, first off,
Peter's always been special.
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00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:36,481
In high school,
he didn't play sports,
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00:03:36,483 --> 00:03:37,749
but he did wear a helmet.
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00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:40,652
(laughter)
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00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:41,820
(chuckles)
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00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:43,155
All right, that's kind of funny.
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00:03:43,157 --> 00:03:44,656
Tough, but fair.
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00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:46,925
You know, Peter, I love
your chin, but I got to ask.
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00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,260
What's it like
going through life
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00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:49,995
with a scrotum
so close to your mouth?
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00:03:49,997 --> 00:03:51,163
You know what, hold on.
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00:03:51,165 --> 00:03:52,231
I'll just ask
your teenage daughter.
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00:03:52,233 --> 00:03:55,434
(laughter)
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00:03:55,436 --> 00:03:58,003
That... that's inappropriate.
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00:03:58,005 --> 00:04:00,072
You know, Peter's
challenging the stereotype
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00:04:00,074 --> 00:04:02,174
of Irish guys being fat,
drunk and stupid
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00:04:02,176 --> 00:04:05,244
by throwing "a little gay"
in there, too.
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00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:06,612
(laughter)
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00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:08,614
Oh, nice, homophobia.
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00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:11,283
But I got to say, the worst part
of being Peter's friend is
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00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:13,018
knowing that eventually
you're gonna have to be
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00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,286
the fat-ass's pallbearer.
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00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:16,188
Lift with the legs,
right fellas?
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00:04:16,190 --> 00:04:19,858
(laughter)
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00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:23,395
P-People think I'm fat?
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00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:25,731
But seriously, everyone, let's
have a big round of applause
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00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:28,467
for the real hero tonight:
Peter's chair.
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00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:29,968
(chuckles) How you
holding up, buddy?
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00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,937
(laughter)
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00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,706
Two chair jokes
in the same monologue.
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00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:36,508
Sloppy.
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00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:40,412
Peter's got a small penis,
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00:04:40,414 --> 00:04:43,582
but, hey, nothing
grows in the shade.
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00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:45,284
This just in...
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00:04:45,286 --> 00:04:47,586
is what Peter had to say to
his wife on their wedding night
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00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:48,987
so she knew it was
actually happening.
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00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:50,956
Peter's so ugly,
he couldn't get raped
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00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:53,058
in our holding cell
down at the station.
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00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:54,726
For those of you who don't know,
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00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:56,962
we have a real serious problem
with people getting raped
138
00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:59,331
in our holding cell
down at the station.
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00:04:59,333 --> 00:05:01,266
Hi, I'm Professor Comedy.
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00:05:01,268 --> 00:05:03,302
QUAGMIRE:
No! (boos)
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00:05:03,304 --> 00:05:06,104
Peter, you're loud,
you can't hold down a job,
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00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:08,073
and you got high blood pressure.
143
00:05:08,075 --> 00:05:11,410
You could be a black guy if your
ding-a-ling wasn't so damn tiny.
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00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:14,446
LOIS: (laughs)
How does everyone know?!
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00:05:14,448 --> 00:05:16,481
Peter moves his lips
while he's reading,
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00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:19,251
'cause he's trying
to eat the book.
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00:05:19,253 --> 00:05:20,986
Roasted!
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00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:22,587
You know, as Lois's father,
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00:05:22,589 --> 00:05:24,656
I hate the thought of her
having sex with Peter.
150
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,124
LOIS:
And so do I!
151
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:27,993
Damn it, Lois, you stepped
on my punch line!
152
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:29,261
Shut up! You're drunk!
153
00:05:29,263 --> 00:05:30,662
Stop serving her!
154
00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:32,864
I asked Peter
what he got on his S.A.T.s.
155
00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:34,599
He said, "Mayonnaise."
156
00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:38,170
Peter's so fat and stupid,
Lamar Odom tried to bang him.
157
00:05:38,172 --> 00:05:40,405
(laughter)
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00:05:44,111 --> 00:05:46,478
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
now that we've had our fun,
159
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,781
it's time to give our man of the
hour a chance to have his say.
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00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:52,517
Please put your hands together
for Peter Griffin!
161
00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,886
(applause)
162
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:57,556
Okay, yeah,
I got something to say.
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00:05:57,558 --> 00:05:58,890
Screw all you guys!
164
00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:00,859
I hope you all eat turds
and die!
165
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:03,295
None of you bastards
are my friends no more!
166
00:06:03,297 --> 00:06:05,263
(cries)
167
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,368
Brian was the
worst one.
168
00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:17,976
Family, I have
an announcement to make.
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00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:19,544
Peter, we're eating.
170
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,646
Just tell us what color it was
and be done with it.
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00:06:21,648 --> 00:06:24,549
On account of my buddies
all being nasty sons of bitches,
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00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,551
I've decided I'm gonna
find new friends.
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00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:28,887
Oh, come on, you're
overreacting.
174
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,589
The roast was
your idea.
175
00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:32,657
You asked them to
make fun of you.
176
00:06:32,659 --> 00:06:34,326
Yeah, but I thought
they'd stick to material
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00:06:34,328 --> 00:06:36,661
about how I'm too handsome
to work at a brewery,
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00:06:36,663 --> 00:06:39,364
or-or how I have tiny
little baby sneezes.
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00:06:39,366 --> 00:06:40,899
(imitates baby sneeze)
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00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:43,101
I'm sure it was all
meant in good fun.
181
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:46,004
Yeah, it was supposed to be fun,
but it was humiliating.
182
00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:48,206
I felt like
a premature volcano.
183
00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:49,875
I just think you're a
really cool island,
184
00:06:49,877 --> 00:06:51,510
and I'd like to
get to know...
185
00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:53,111
Oh, God!
186
00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:54,446
Oh, I'm so sorry.
187
00:06:54,448 --> 00:06:56,715
I am so sorry--
you're just so pretty.
188
00:06:56,717 --> 00:06:59,117
Please, don't tell
the other islands.
189
00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:00,886
I've been thinking.
190
00:07:00,888 --> 00:07:03,255
Maybe I got to find friends who
can't make fun of my appearance
191
00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:05,590
'cause they're
weird-looking themselves.
192
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:08,860
Like those two bearded dwarves
walking across the street there.
193
00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:12,597
Hey, will you bearded
dwarves be friends with me?
194
00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:14,966
We, sir, are
Italian children.
195
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,168
Good day.
196
00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:21,473
Thanks for hanging out
with me.
197
00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:23,642
I never thought of my kids'
principal as being a friend.
198
00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:26,144
Well, "pal" is right
there in the name, Peter.
199
00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:27,579
(chuckles)
Yeah.
200
00:07:27,581 --> 00:07:29,314
Hey, it's cool you got
the keys to the school,
201
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,383
and we can hang out
when no one else is here.
202
00:07:31,385 --> 00:07:32,317
What should we do?
203
00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:34,186
Oh, I got a few ideas.
204
00:07:35,422 --> 00:07:37,823
Wow, I've never drank
so much milk in my life.
205
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:39,224
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
206
00:07:39,226 --> 00:07:40,492
What other ideas you got?
207
00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:42,494
How about this second
fridge of milk?
208
00:07:42,496 --> 00:07:44,429
Uh, how much milk
do you drink?
209
00:07:44,431 --> 00:07:47,232
I just drink milk until
somebody stops me.
210
00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:52,637
I don't know.
211
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:55,073
Maybe I'm just not meant
to find a new group of friends.
212
00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:57,175
Well, Peter, you're always
welcome to hang out with me.
213
00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:59,010
Yeah, but I'm talking
about the kind of friend
214
00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:01,346
that doesn't bark at horses
when I'm watching a movie.
215
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:03,582
Fine, fine, you want to get
trampled in your living room?
216
00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:04,683
Be my guest.
217
00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:06,318
It's just... (sighs)
218
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,987
I don't know, I-I don't seem
to fit in anywhere.
219
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:11,323
(sighs) All right, I'm gonna
go get some more coffee
220
00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:13,558
and maybe a gross
microwaved sandwich.
221
00:08:14,528 --> 00:08:16,428
Excuse me.
222
00:08:16,430 --> 00:08:18,196
Can I please have
another no-foam latte?
223
00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:19,598
Uh, yeah, sure.
224
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,166
But, you know,
I don't work here.
225
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:22,501
Oh, I'm sorry.
226
00:08:22,503 --> 00:08:24,269
You look just like
one of the baristas.
227
00:08:24,271 --> 00:08:26,137
He doesn't look
that much like me.
228
00:08:26,139 --> 00:08:27,672
WOMAN:
I think she meant me.
229
00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:29,274
Oh. Oh, yeah.
230
00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:30,642
I could see that.
231
00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:31,943
Hey, we should make out.
232
00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:33,512
You got it, mister.
233
00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:38,517
(chuckles)
Double-foam, am I right?
234
00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:39,518
(laughs)
235
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:40,819
You're funny.
236
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:42,787
Yeah. Oh, my God,
you're so twisted.
237
00:08:42,789 --> 00:08:45,190
I'm Jamie, and this is
Becca and Karen.
238
00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:46,391
You want to join us?
239
00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:47,959
Sure.
Great.
240
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:49,828
We were just debating
if Jamie should hook up
241
00:08:49,830 --> 00:08:51,796
with this guy she met
a few nights ago.
242
00:08:51,798 --> 00:08:54,299
Okay, I want the deets,
like, yesterday.
243
00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:56,468
Wh-What the hell?
Did I just say that?
244
00:08:56,470 --> 00:08:57,469
You sure did.
245
00:08:57,471 --> 00:08:59,504
You're a natural
at this.
246
00:08:59,506 --> 00:09:00,839
Wh-What is "this"?
247
00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:03,141
It's what we do!
248
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,010
(women whoop)
249
00:09:05,012 --> 00:09:07,412
Wow, you know,
I know I just met you guys,
250
00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:10,382
but I've kind of been looking
for a new group of friends.
251
00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:12,417
D-Do you maybe have room
for one more?
252
00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:14,419
Are you good at talking
about how busy you are?
253
00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:16,054
Because that's a lot
of what this is.
254
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:18,390
Ugh, yeah, but don't talk
to me about anything
255
00:09:18,392 --> 00:09:19,758
until I've had
my morning coffee,
256
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,860
'cause it's like
I can't even deal.
257
00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:24,529
Well, I think I speak
for all of us when I say
258
00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:27,232
we'd love to have you in
our group of girlfriends.
259
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,600
Oh, my God,
that's awesome!
260
00:09:28,602 --> 00:09:30,001
Hey, can I be the one
261
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:31,836
who laugh-screams
really loud at restaurants?
262
00:09:31,838 --> 00:09:34,205
As long as you're
picking up the check.
263
00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:35,674
(laugh-screams)
264
00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:37,909
Oh, we're gonna ruin
so many people's evenings!
265
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:40,245
Oh, boy, I'm blending
right in with you gals.
266
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:43,315
Like a panda bear
on a bed full of pillows.
267
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:45,250
I'm hiding from the zoo.
268
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:46,718
They want me to have a baby.
269
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,853
I don't want to have a baby!
270
00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:54,392
Hey, isn't it funny
that you guys came over
271
00:09:54,394 --> 00:09:56,227
for a dinner party,
and all we're doing is
272
00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:57,963
standing in the
kitchen, drinking wine?
273
00:09:57,965 --> 00:09:59,431
All our
toothbrushes were
274
00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:01,199
in that one woman's
glass this morning.
275
00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:04,536
Girls, it is so nice to
be part of a group again.
276
00:10:04,538 --> 00:10:06,204
And I'm having
the best time.
277
00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:09,040
Especially yesterday when
we all got mammograms.
278
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:14,312
If I have cancer,
we're all going to Brazil.
279
00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:15,614
So what's for dinner?
280
00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:16,915
You said we were
having Italian?
281
00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:18,550
Yeah, and then I
realized I'm not good
282
00:10:18,552 --> 00:10:20,285
at making
fettuccine Alfredo,
283
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:22,621
but I am good at
making reservations.
284
00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:23,622
(laughter)
285
00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:24,656
Do you get it?
286
00:10:24,658 --> 00:10:26,291
Oh, God, I'm so bad.
287
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:28,293
Stewie, it's time
for your bath.
288
00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:30,295
Oh, what's
going on in here?
289
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:31,463
Oh, hey, Lois.
290
00:10:31,465 --> 00:10:32,497
Hey, these are
my new friends:
291
00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:33,932
Jamie, Karen
and Becca.
292
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:35,667
Karen's the one
with the mommy blog,
293
00:10:35,669 --> 00:10:38,303
so if you think you know her
from somewhere, that's where.
294
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:40,071
Oh, nice to meet
you all.
295
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:41,906
Would you like to
join us for dinner?
296
00:10:41,908 --> 00:10:44,009
Oh, no, I don't want
to get in the way.
297
00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:46,911
Besides, I got to get
this little man in the tub.
298
00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:49,748
Great. Now they're all
picturing my wiener.
299
00:10:51,018 --> 00:10:52,617
Oh, thank God.
300
00:10:52,619 --> 00:10:54,486
For a second, I thought
she was gonna come with us.
301
00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:55,854
What?
302
00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:57,422
Seriously, Peter,
how do you live with her?
303
00:10:57,424 --> 00:10:59,858
I know, that voice.
Ugh.
304
00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:01,526
And what is that hair color?
305
00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:03,161
Creamy French Dressing?
306
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,530
(women laughing)
307
00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:07,265
Oh, I love it.
I love it.
308
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:08,266
(chuckles weakly)
309
00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:09,467
Yeah. Yeah.
310
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:11,102
Hey, if you think that's funny,
311
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:13,304
she once had a miscarriage
outside a Petco.
312
00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:15,607
I still have the security
camera footage somewhere.
313
00:11:15,609 --> 00:11:17,475
(women laughing)
314
00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:20,679
Peter, I'm your conscience,
Jiminy Cricket.
315
00:11:20,681 --> 00:11:22,047
Ah! Bug!
316
00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:27,052
Andrea, y-you set a place
for Jiminy again.
317
00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:29,788
Oh... so I did.
318
00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:31,489
Why?!
319
00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:34,359
Why did he have to go around
telling strangers what to do?
320
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:37,729
Wasn't being a pediatric
oncologist enough for him?!
321
00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:39,964
(sobbing)
322
00:11:41,735 --> 00:11:44,035
He hit on me
at your wedding.
323
00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:52,544
Ah, let's see, what else?
What else? What else?
324
00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:54,212
Oh, I-I got one.
I got one.
325
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:56,981
Lois tried to give CPR to
a kid at a wedding once,
326
00:11:56,983 --> 00:11:58,416
and when she knelt down,
327
00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:00,852
she accidentally high-heeled
her own stink hole.
328
00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:03,254
(women laughing)
329
00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:04,889
Peter, your wife
is such a pig.
330
00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:06,357
Oh, I don't know
about that, Jamie.
331
00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:08,760
Pigs eat slop,
Lois only cooks it.
332
00:12:08,762 --> 00:12:09,894
(laughter)
333
00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:11,329
What the hell?
334
00:12:11,331 --> 00:12:13,231
Peter, can I speak
with you for a second?
335
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:16,034
Oh, hang on, guys,
I got to talk to my dog.
336
00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:17,902
What the hell
are you doing?
337
00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:19,404
I'm just gabbing
with the girls.
338
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:21,072
You know our cycles
have lined up?
339
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,007
Mine's from wiping too hard.
340
00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:25,043
You're saying horrible things
about Lois.
341
00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:26,845
Oh, yeah,
it cracks up the ladies.
342
00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,246
Yesterday, Karen laughed so hard
343
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,948
she popped a button
on her jeans.
344
00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:31,082
And then she cried.
345
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:32,617
Peter, Lois
is your wife.
346
00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:34,252
You should be
defending her,
347
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:36,387
not talking trash and
gossiping behind her back
348
00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:38,590
like some kind of
Midwestern teenager.
349
00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:41,192
(Midwestern accent):
Did you gals hear
about Ally Gallagher?
350
00:12:41,194 --> 00:12:43,428
She let Alan Ackerman
smack her in the back
351
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:45,363
with his tallywhacker
behind the snack shack.
352
00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:47,599
What?
Nobody here
in Maryland
353
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:49,601
understands a single
word you're saying.
354
00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:51,369
You should move
back to Minnesota.
355
00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:52,570
I can't go back.
356
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:54,239
I Snapchatted
Matt Gackerack
357
00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:56,474
a Kodak of my ass crack.
358
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:01,379
Hey, Lois?
359
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:03,882
I did something bad
I need to tell you about.
360
00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:05,483
Peter, I know.
361
00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:07,752
You used some of my magazines
for your fake ransom notes.
362
00:13:07,754 --> 00:13:08,887
It's okay.
363
00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:10,555
No, no, no, no,
that's not it.
364
00:13:10,557 --> 00:13:11,956
But did you put the ice
cream where the guy said?
365
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,625
Because he will
hurt your family.
366
00:13:13,627 --> 00:13:16,761
Look, the thing is,
me and my new girlfriends,
367
00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:18,963
we've kind of been
talking trash about you
368
00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:20,465
and laughing
behind your back.
369
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,167
Peter, of course
your new friends
370
00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:23,668
have been talking crap about me.
371
00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:25,136
That's what women do.
372
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:26,137
What?
373
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:28,173
So... you're not mad?
374
00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:31,075
Well, I'm not thrilled,
but I understand what it's like
375
00:13:31,077 --> 00:13:32,577
to be friends with women.
376
00:13:32,579 --> 00:13:34,979
I'm sure they talk trash
about you behind your back.
377
00:13:34,981 --> 00:13:36,848
They most
certainly do not!
378
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:39,584
I guarantee you that
as soon as you leave the room,
379
00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:40,752
they tear you to shreds.
380
00:13:40,754 --> 00:13:42,020
That's not true.
381
00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:43,855
If it was, I would've
figured it out.
382
00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:46,191
Just like I figured out who was
stealing my lunch at work.
383
00:13:46,193 --> 00:13:47,992
(dramatic music playing)
384
00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:50,261
Next time there's a sandwich
in the fridge
385
00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:53,031
with somebody's name on it,
don't eat it, scumbag!
386
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,365
Please, you don't understand!
387
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:55,767
Oh, I understand.
388
00:13:55,769 --> 00:13:57,535
That lunch didn't
have your name on it,
389
00:13:57,537 --> 00:13:59,270
but this bullet does.
390
00:14:01,208 --> 00:14:04,442
My name is Peter, too...!
391
00:14:09,115 --> 00:14:12,617
Ugh, have you guys seen
the new Jessica Biel movie?
392
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,352
I-I don't get
what men see in her.
393
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,187
Um, her dumper?
394
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,990
I just think she's
really plain-looking.
395
00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:20,558
She kind of annoys me.
396
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,026
You know who's really beautiful?
397
00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:23,127
Joan Allen.
398
00:14:23,129 --> 00:14:25,063
Yes!
Uh, stunning.
399
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:28,032
Yeah, uh... I-I think, um...
400
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:30,134
Um, I'm maybe gonna
go use the restroom
401
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:31,803
and let you guys talk about
402
00:14:31,805 --> 00:14:33,738
whatever you're gonna
talk about.
403
00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:39,744
Huh, I guess Peter made
it to the bathroom,
404
00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:41,679
'cause I can't feel
him walking anymore.
405
00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:42,647
I know.
406
00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:45,216
"Fee-fi-fo-fum!"
Right?
407
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,318
(women laughing)
408
00:14:48,722 --> 00:14:51,089
And what about
those drugstore glasses?
409
00:14:51,091 --> 00:14:53,057
These aren't drugstore glasses,
410
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:55,526
they came from
a doctor Halloween costume.
411
00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:56,895
(sighs)
412
00:14:56,897 --> 00:14:58,429
Lois was right.
413
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:00,698
They are making fun of me
behind my back.
414
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,867
They're like a nasty wolf pack.
415
00:15:02,869 --> 00:15:04,903
Hey, man,
just a heads-up:
416
00:15:04,905 --> 00:15:06,771
instead of howling
at the moon tonight,
417
00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:09,507
we're all gonna yell
"cock-a-doodle-doo!"
418
00:15:09,509 --> 00:15:10,508
Really?
419
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:12,043
That seems weird.
420
00:15:12,045 --> 00:15:14,646
I'm just trying to make sure
you don't look silly.
421
00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:20,518
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
422
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:22,754
(laughter)
423
00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:23,788
What an idiot!
424
00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:25,189
He actually believed me!
425
00:15:25,191 --> 00:15:27,859
That's what a rooster says,
not a wolf!
426
00:15:27,861 --> 00:15:30,161
(growling)
427
00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:33,264
Hi, Daddy!
How was howling at the moon?
428
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:35,266
(slurring): Shut up!
Why aren't you asleep?
429
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,734
Why isn't he asleep?
430
00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:37,902
Leave him alone!
431
00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:39,304
Have you been
drinking again, Phil?
432
00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:40,772
That's none of
your business!
433
00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:42,106
I never wanted a cub!
434
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:43,308
Get out!
435
00:15:43,310 --> 00:15:45,977
Get out now
and don't ever come back!
436
00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:51,382
Hey, buddy,
want to get high?
437
00:15:55,889 --> 00:15:57,622
Oh, my God. Phil?
438
00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:59,724
Hey... Robert.
439
00:15:59,726 --> 00:16:00,658
Wow.
440
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:03,962
Ah, hey,
listen, man...
441
00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:05,830
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
442
00:16:05,832 --> 00:16:08,132
(laughter)
443
00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:14,906
(sobbing)
444
00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:18,776
"Cock-a-doodle-doo"
is a passion project
445
00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:20,478
I'd been mulling over for years,
446
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,348
and when Family Guy gave me
the opportunity to shoot it,
447
00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:25,149
I knew there was only one actor
448
00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:28,286
who could portray
Phil the Wolf: Glenn Quagmire.
449
00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:31,155
Peter gave me a beer that tasted
funny, and when I woke up,
450
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:33,691
I was wearing lipstick
and a wolf suit.
451
00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:39,430
Lois, you were right.
452
00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:41,299
Those women
were talking about me.
453
00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:43,134
Oh, dear.
What did they say?
454
00:16:43,136 --> 00:16:45,370
I don't even remember,
there was such a long cutaway,
455
00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:46,804
but I know it was really mean.
456
00:16:46,806 --> 00:16:48,706
Oh, I'm so
sorry, Peter.
457
00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:50,208
So what do I do now?
458
00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:52,710
Confront them face-to-face
and explain why I'm angry?
459
00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:54,445
Of course not.
460
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:57,015
Being friends with women is
way more complex than that.
461
00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:59,450
You need to be more
underhanded and vicious.
462
00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:03,121
You and I will get revenge
on those bitches lady-style.
463
00:17:03,123 --> 00:17:04,122
Really?
464
00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:05,490
We'll-we'll do it together?
465
00:17:05,492 --> 00:17:07,125
Yeah, it'll be fun.
466
00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:09,627
Like when we watched
Battlestar Galactica together.
467
00:17:09,629 --> 00:17:11,863
Now, which Cylon is that?
468
00:17:11,865 --> 00:17:13,164
Ah, I-I don't know.
469
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:14,365
I think it's Number Six.
470
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,800
Wait, i-is that
the same Number Six
471
00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:17,568
that had sex with Dr. Baltar?
472
00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:19,137
I don't... I've been...
I've been watching this
473
00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:21,139
the same exact amount
of time you have, Lois.
474
00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:22,707
I don't know
anything you don't.
475
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,876
Ooh, what does that green button
on the far panel do?
476
00:17:24,878 --> 00:17:26,677
How in God's name
would I know that?!
477
00:17:26,679 --> 00:17:28,479
I don't know!
478
00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:32,150
It's green, so it probably
makes something go.
479
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:35,853
PETER:
Hello?
480
00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:37,155
Peter, where are you?
481
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:38,589
I thought we were gonna
go after Becca.
482
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:40,758
Way ahead of you, Lois.
I just cut her brakes.
483
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:42,160
What?!
484
00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:43,995
Don't you think
that's a little dangerous?
485
00:17:43,997 --> 00:17:46,230
Hey, you're the one who said we
should try to ruin her marriage.
486
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:48,733
She bangs up her car,
her husband's gonna be furious.
487
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:49,767
(horns honking,
tires screeching)
488
00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:50,868
What was that?
489
00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:52,236
Oh, I-I just ran a red light.
490
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:53,871
My car won't slow down
for some reason.
491
00:17:53,873 --> 00:17:55,706
Anyway, this is
gonna be awesome.
492
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:57,575
Geez, I'm going, like, 95.
493
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,911
Peter, are you sure
you didn't cut your brakes?
494
00:17:59,913 --> 00:18:01,712
That's ridiculous.
Why would I cut my own...
495
00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:03,714
Kids, get out of the way!
I can't stop!
496
00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:05,616
(kids screaming, horn honking)
497
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,353
All right, Peter,
next is Jamie.
498
00:18:09,355 --> 00:18:11,589
Now, what's the most
important thing in her life?
499
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:12,890
Oh, that's easy.
500
00:18:12,892 --> 00:18:14,525
Her daughter Emily
is a competitive diver.
501
00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:15,960
The whole family's dream
502
00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:18,129
is that she gets a spot
on the U.S. Olympic Team.
503
00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:21,532
Okay, so get a lead pipe and
bust this girl's kneecaps.
504
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:22,700
No, no, no, Lois.
505
00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:24,469
That's not how
we're gonna do this.
506
00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:26,771
♪ Out on the streets ♪
507
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:27,972
♪ That's where we'll meet ♪
508
00:18:27,974 --> 00:18:29,640
♪ You make the night ♪
509
00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:32,443
♪ I always cross the line ♪
510
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:34,612
♪ Tightened our belts ♪
511
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:36,547
♪ Abused ourselves ♪
512
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:37,782
♪ Get in our way ♪
513
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:40,952
♪ We'll put you on your shelf ♪
514
00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:48,826
♪ Round and round ♪
515
00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:50,995
♪ With love we'll find a way ♪
516
00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:52,864
♪ Just give it time ♪
517
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:56,267
♪ Round and round ♪
518
00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:58,669
♪ What comes around
goes around ♪
519
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:00,905
♪ I'll tell you why ♪
520
00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:03,341
♪ Yeah ♪
521
00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:05,576
♪ ♪
522
00:19:23,429 --> 00:19:25,196
(sobbing)
523
00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:28,132
That's how we're
gonna do this.
524
00:19:28,134 --> 00:19:31,135
(elegant piano music playing)
525
00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:32,370
(laughs)
526
00:19:33,806 --> 00:19:35,506
Okay, next is Karen.
527
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:37,875
Now, she's been planning her
daughter's wedding for a year.
528
00:19:37,877 --> 00:19:40,545
If it doesn't go perfectly,
she'll be crushed.
529
00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:41,612
Already on it, Lois.
530
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,347
I bribed one of
the busboys.
531
00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,783
He has a little surprise
planned for her.
532
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:47,151
(man screams)
533
00:19:47,153 --> 00:19:48,986
GUEST: Oh, my God!
Somebody stabbed the groom!
534
00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:51,155
(guests screaming)
535
00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:54,025
(sobbing)
536
00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:56,727
Oh, no,
it's not a perfect day.
537
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:58,329
(sobbing)
538
00:19:58,331 --> 00:20:01,065
Well, we got those
bitches good, huh, Peter?
539
00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:02,567
Yeah, thanks, Lois.
540
00:20:02,569 --> 00:20:04,035
And you were right.
541
00:20:04,037 --> 00:20:05,736
Being friends with women
is way too complicated
542
00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:07,572
and way too
intense for me.
543
00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:10,408
Now let me just pay the busboy
and we can get out of here.
544
00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:13,644
Ah! I knew he didn't
understand the plan!
545
00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:20,985
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Peter.
546
00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:25,056
Look, I-I'm real sorry
I got so worked up at my roast.
547
00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:26,757
And if you're willing,
548
00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:29,026
I'd like to be friends
with you guys again.
549
00:20:29,028 --> 00:20:31,329
Because men might
punch you in the gut
550
00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:32,730
and call you a fat idiot,
551
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:35,032
but at least they do it
to your face and own it.
552
00:20:35,034 --> 00:20:36,567
You were mad at us?
553
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:38,169
Yeah, we ain't spoke
in a week.
554
00:20:38,171 --> 00:20:39,604
I thought you were out of town.
555
00:20:39,606 --> 00:20:42,573
People come, people go.
I didn't give no mind.
556
00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:45,009
So we're-we're
friends again?
557
00:20:45,011 --> 00:20:46,677
We were never not friends,
you idiot.
558
00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:48,346
I love you guys.
559
00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:49,680
Guys are the best.
560
00:20:49,682 --> 00:20:51,249
Not women.
561
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:57,822
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