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1
00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:04,936
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:08,140
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:11,810
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:14,813
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:18,283
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:21,753
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:23,155
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,589
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,591 --> 00:00:30,329
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:38,603
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to
yet another Indiana Jones movie.
11
00:00:38,605 --> 00:00:39,771
(hisses)
12
00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,973
Snakes. Why did it
have to be snakes?
13
00:00:41,975 --> 00:00:43,475
Elderly potheads.
14
00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:46,311
Why did it have to be
elderly potheads?
15
00:00:46,313 --> 00:00:48,947
Is everyone warm in here?
Is it warm?
16
00:00:48,949 --> 00:00:50,349
Brian, are you
feeling all right?
17
00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:52,150
Yeah, I'm fine. It
just seems kind of...
18
00:00:52,152 --> 00:00:53,285
(retching loudly)
19
00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:54,353
Oh, my God!
20
00:00:54,355 --> 00:00:55,954
Oh, Lois,
your dog threw up.
21
00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:57,689
Peter, Brian's clearly
not feeling well.
22
00:00:57,691 --> 00:00:59,791
You got to take him
to the vet.
23
00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:01,360
Unbelievable!
Brian throws up once,
24
00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:03,295
and you rush him
to the vet.
25
00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:05,163
I was throwing up
all night last night.
26
00:01:05,165 --> 00:01:06,998
Good start.
Keep it up, snack pack.
27
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,133
(chuckles)
28
00:01:08,135 --> 00:01:09,468
(retching loudly)
29
00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:11,203
Peter, you got
to take him now!
30
00:01:11,205 --> 00:01:13,038
L-Lois, it's probably
just something I ate.
31
00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:14,673
I-I'm fine.
Really.
32
00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:17,476
I-I got more energy than
a cruise ship conga line.
33
00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:19,311
♪ Horny on a big boat ♪
34
00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:21,012
♪ Horny
on a big boat! ♪
35
00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:23,882
I'm very sick
from lobster.
36
00:01:28,322 --> 00:01:30,322
Brian, your blood work
shows that your liver
37
00:01:30,324 --> 00:01:31,490
isn't functioning
properly.
38
00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:33,158
Would you happen
to be a drinker?
39
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:35,660
Well, I don't know
if I'd label myself a drinker.
40
00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:38,730
I-I know I like a cold beer
after I mow the lawn. (chuckles)
41
00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:40,999
There were three lies
in that sentence.
42
00:01:41,001 --> 00:01:43,335
Brian, have you ever heard
of Lou Gehrig's disease?
43
00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:44,536
(gasps) Oh, no!
44
00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:46,838
Well, you have
Mickey Mantle's disease.
45
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:50,675
Now, the most obvious step would
simply be to stop drinking.
46
00:01:50,677 --> 00:01:52,010
Or...?
47
00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:54,045
Well, we do have these pills
that may correct
48
00:01:54,047 --> 00:01:56,248
the enzyme imbalance
in your liver.
Yeah, that one.
49
00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:57,849
Okay, I'll be
in the waiting room
50
00:01:57,851 --> 00:01:59,684
barking at the fish
in the tank.
51
00:01:59,686 --> 00:02:01,052
All right,
Mr. Griffin,
52
00:02:01,054 --> 00:02:02,687
these pills will clear up
Brian's condition.
53
00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:05,857
But unfortunately, they only
come in suppository form.
54
00:02:05,859 --> 00:02:07,025
Uh...
55
00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:08,727
It means they have
to be inserted
56
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,228
into the patient's anus.
57
00:02:10,230 --> 00:02:12,864
(chuckles): Oh, you're a
dirty doctor, aren't you?
58
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:15,367
Mr. Griffin, I'm not joking--
or a doctor.
59
00:02:15,369 --> 00:02:17,402
Now, you'll need
to administer these pills,
60
00:02:17,404 --> 00:02:20,205
because no dog ever voluntarily
takes a suppository.
61
00:02:20,207 --> 00:02:21,873
Well, one in ten does.
62
00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:24,075
Oh, I know the one--
Brian's cousin Jasper.
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00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:25,710
His bum looks
like that guy
64
00:02:25,712 --> 00:02:28,113
with a hundred cigarettes
in his mouth.
65
00:02:36,256 --> 00:02:38,457
Hey, Chris, I noticed
you were sitting alone.
66
00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:39,925
You mind if I join you?
67
00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:41,626
Sure. We both
have hats.
68
00:02:41,628 --> 00:02:43,562
Makes sense.
Oh, thanks.
69
00:02:43,564 --> 00:02:46,131
Hey, can you check my back
for "kick me" signs?
70
00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:48,400
Oh, yeah, you got
a couple. (chuckles)
71
00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:50,569
This one says you're
a "dirty kick."
72
00:02:50,571 --> 00:02:52,571
That doesn't say "kick,"
but thanks,
73
00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:54,739
I'll keep that one
for my lawsuit.
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00:02:54,741 --> 00:02:56,908
Boys, I got a
new home gym.
75
00:02:56,910 --> 00:02:58,910
Why are you telling us that?
76
00:02:58,912 --> 00:03:00,612
Just letting
people know.
77
00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:04,082
Don't want anyone to get freaked
out by the transformation.
78
00:03:04,084 --> 00:03:06,084
I got to say, it
feels kind of weird
79
00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:07,819
having someone
join me for lunch.
80
00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:09,287
Well, it's
only natural, Chris.
81
00:03:09,289 --> 00:03:11,289
You and I are
social exiles.
82
00:03:11,291 --> 00:03:14,092
We're the Khaleesi and
Jorah Mormont of this school.
83
00:03:14,094 --> 00:03:16,595
Sure, I'll agree to keep
the conversation going.
84
00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:19,831
Well, time to break out
my terrible Jewish bag lunch.
85
00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:21,466
Let's see.
Smoked whitefish,
86
00:03:21,468 --> 00:03:23,468
herring in cream sauce,
smoked sable--
87
00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:25,136
that's a different kind
of whitefish--
88
00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:28,106
and for dessert, the only
bad cookie in the world.
89
00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:30,175
Hey, what's it like
buying food from school?
90
00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:32,310
It's good. I know
everyone back there,
91
00:03:32,312 --> 00:03:34,279
so they let me drink
their corn water.
92
00:03:34,281 --> 00:03:37,182
Boy, it's so great having
someone I can talk to.
93
00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:38,650
I feel the same way, Chris.
94
00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:41,119
I think you and I could
get along very nicely.
95
00:03:41,121 --> 00:03:44,789
Yeah. We'll be a better team
than the Warsaw Globetrotters.
96
00:03:44,791 --> 00:03:46,358
(to "Sweet Georgia Brown"):
♪ Dribble, dribble, dribble ♪
97
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:47,692
♪ Tuck in shirt ♪
98
00:03:47,694 --> 00:03:49,961
♪ Give to my friend ♪
99
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:51,463
♪ Spin on finger ♪
100
00:03:51,465 --> 00:03:52,864
♪ Two rotations ♪
101
00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:55,033
♪ Dream about window ♪
102
00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:57,669
♪ Put away basketball,
go to work ♪
103
00:03:57,671 --> 00:04:01,072
♪ In calcium mine. ♪
104
00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:06,878
All right, Brian,
it's time for you to take
105
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:08,480
one of these pills
from the vet.
106
00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:10,715
Oh, yeah, right. Can we
do what we normally do,
107
00:04:10,717 --> 00:04:12,517
where you roll it up
in a piece of cheese
108
00:04:12,519 --> 00:04:14,152
like you're fooling me?
Yeah, I guess,
109
00:04:14,154 --> 00:04:16,187
but then you're gonna
have cheese in your ass.
110
00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:17,822
W-Wait, what?
Yeah, the doctor said
111
00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:19,991
I got to give you
these pills the butt way.
112
00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:21,860
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That is not happening.
113
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:23,862
No, no, no. I do not
go the butt way.
114
00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:25,497
Look, I know it sounds
a little rough,
115
00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:27,999
but why don't we start with
a gentle massage of the area
116
00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:29,167
and see how you feel?
117
00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:30,502
Peter, get away from my ass!
118
00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:33,004
(grunting)
Br-Brian! No!
119
00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:36,007
Huh. Guess I'm just gonna
have to take him by surprise.
120
00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:37,375
Shouldn't be too hard.
121
00:04:37,377 --> 00:04:39,844
After all, I used to be
a pete-in-the-box.
122
00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:42,080
("Pop! Goes the Weasel" playing)
123
00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:52,190
(loud, gasping breaths)
124
00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:54,492
Goes the weasel!
125
00:04:57,397 --> 00:04:59,364
All right, if I'm gonna
give Brian his medicine,
126
00:04:59,366 --> 00:05:01,232
I should probably watch
that old episode of Lassie
127
00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:04,169
where Timmy has to give
her a suppository.
128
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:07,706
(barking)
129
00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:09,941
What's that, Lassie?
You feel sick?
130
00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:12,544
What's wrong, girl?
131
00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:13,878
(barking)
132
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,213
A supposi-what?
133
00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:17,449
What am I supposed
to do with it?
134
00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:18,717
(barking)
135
00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:20,218
Gosh. I...
136
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:23,588
Well, if you're
in that much pain, I-I guess.
137
00:05:23,590 --> 00:05:25,357
Okay.
138
00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:30,729
(barking)
139
00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:31,796
You were lying?
140
00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:33,298
You weren't
feeling sick?
141
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:34,733
I don't understand.
142
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:36,801
Why did you want me
to do this?
143
00:05:36,803 --> 00:05:38,436
(barking)
144
00:05:38,438 --> 00:05:40,472
What?!
He was in on it?
145
00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:42,140
It was just a prank?
146
00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:44,376
You guys are gross!
147
00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:50,248
Kids, everybody, family meeting!
148
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,250
There's too much passing
gas in this house.
149
00:05:52,252 --> 00:05:54,753
So from now on, anytime
you got to cut one,
150
00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:56,955
you pull your pants
down and you do it
151
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:58,256
through this
fart hole.
152
00:05:58,258 --> 00:05:59,624
Are you insane?
153
00:05:59,626 --> 00:06:01,426
(whispering): Lois, it's
okay-- it's all a trick.
154
00:06:01,428 --> 00:06:03,595
As soon as Brian does it, I'm
gonna be on the other side,
155
00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:05,263
and I'll stick
the suppository in.
156
00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:06,931
No. Absolutely not.
157
00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:08,833
I am not living like this.
158
00:06:08,835 --> 00:06:12,270
You think Morgan Fairchild
has a fart hole in her house?
159
00:06:12,272 --> 00:06:14,639
Morgan, the coq
au vin is divine.
160
00:06:14,641 --> 00:06:16,307
But so rich.
161
00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:18,543
Will you excuse me?
162
00:06:22,449 --> 00:06:24,449
Where do our
Hollywood farts go?
163
00:06:24,451 --> 00:06:28,186
I've heard they're filtered
into Tom Sizemore's house.
164
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:30,288
(farting)
165
00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:31,322
(sniffs)
166
00:06:31,324 --> 00:06:34,392
(sighs):
Ah... Morgan.
167
00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:39,964
Hey, no, no.
No, no, Brian.
168
00:06:39,966 --> 00:06:41,966
No, no. You win.
You win. I quit.
169
00:06:41,968 --> 00:06:43,968
It's your liver; you
do whatever you want.
170
00:06:43,970 --> 00:06:45,870
Well, thank you.
Yes, it is my liver,
171
00:06:45,872 --> 00:06:47,806
and I don't want
to take that pill.
172
00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:49,340
Fine. We're both
in agreement.
173
00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:51,176
So let's just
both watch TV.
174
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:53,311
And nothing else.
Sounds good to me.
175
00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:55,647
I'm glad you think
it sounds good.
176
00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:57,649
(sighs)
177
00:06:57,651 --> 00:06:59,150
It's nice to watch TV
178
00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:01,019
when you have nothing
else to do, isn't it?
179
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:02,520
Yeah.
180
00:07:02,522 --> 00:07:04,556
Get over here, you idiot!
Peter! What the hell?
181
00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:06,391
I'm still in charge of you!
I'm a human!
Stop it! Get away from me!
182
00:07:06,393 --> 00:07:08,393
This is for your benefit,
so just go limp and take it!
183
00:07:08,395 --> 00:07:10,228
You touch my ass,
I swear to God I'll kill you!
184
00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:11,196
(grunting)
185
00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:12,363
(screams)
186
00:07:12,365 --> 00:07:13,498
(growls)
187
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:14,899
(screams)
188
00:07:14,901 --> 00:07:16,701
Wha... What the hell?
189
00:07:16,703 --> 00:07:18,870
You... you bit me!
190
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,572
You're damn right I did!
And I'll do it again
191
00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:22,240
if you don't stay
the hell away from my ass!
192
00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:24,242
But, Brian,
the vet said...
(growls)
193
00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:25,577
(gasps)
194
00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:27,846
Wow, where did that come from?
195
00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:29,214
God, that was so intense.
196
00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:32,317
I feel more powerful
than a lesbian's crotch.
197
00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:35,920
Ooh, sorry, ma'am,
we don't valet motorcycles.
198
00:07:35,922 --> 00:07:37,989
Heh. Don't need to.
199
00:07:47,734 --> 00:07:49,434
Lois, can you pour
my juice?
200
00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:50,702
I can't lift my arm.
201
00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:52,704
I still can't believe
Brian bit you.
202
00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:54,572
It just doesn't
seem like him.
203
00:07:54,574 --> 00:07:56,608
Oh, yeah, 'cause you
know him so well.
204
00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:58,343
Shut your face.
205
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:03,281
Oh. Uh... hey, Brian.
206
00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:06,618
Get out of that chair.
Leave the eggs.
207
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:08,887
But this is
my breakfast.
(growls)
208
00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:10,021
(screaming)
209
00:08:12,592 --> 00:08:15,460
(screaming continues)
210
00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:18,062
Honey, when did Peter Griffin
take up jogging?
211
00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:20,064
I don't know, dear.
By the way,
212
00:08:20,066 --> 00:08:22,867
we're the couple who lives
a few blocks away.
213
00:08:29,576 --> 00:08:32,076
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return
to an '80s teen movie
214
00:08:32,078 --> 00:08:33,778
at a realistic high school.
215
00:08:33,780 --> 00:08:35,947
You're going down at
that karate tournament.
216
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,448
I don't think so.
217
00:08:37,450 --> 00:08:38,783
You guys do karate?
218
00:08:38,785 --> 00:08:40,919
You're both
(bleep) losers.
219
00:08:40,921 --> 00:08:43,421
(gasps)
Uh, morning, sir.
220
00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:45,590
So, Peter, I assume if
you're watching TV,
221
00:08:45,592 --> 00:08:47,926
that means you already
did all my chores?
222
00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:49,427
I-I sure did, sure did.
223
00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:51,496
I scared off the mailman,
threatened Quagmire's cat,
224
00:08:51,498 --> 00:08:53,598
and I even took
your bath for you.
225
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,767
Now I'm just gonna reach
for the shampoo.
226
00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:57,735
No jumping out.
227
00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:03,141
STEWIE:
(screams) He's got Rupert!
228
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:04,609
Hey, drop it.
Drop it.
229
00:09:04,611 --> 00:09:06,144
(deep voice):
Drop it.
230
00:09:06,146 --> 00:09:08,146
All right, I need you to
buy a birthday present
231
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:11,015
for my friend Jeff-- he likes
the Packers and surfing.
232
00:09:11,017 --> 00:09:12,350
Enough is enough, Peter.
233
00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:14,686
The dog's not in charge
of this house.
234
00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:17,622
First thing tomorrow, I'm
taking Brian to obedience school
235
00:09:17,624 --> 00:09:19,958
so we can get him
back under control.
236
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,493
You know, sending him to school
wouldn't be the worst idea.
237
00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:25,864
He might even enjoy it.
I know I had a blast in college.
238
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:28,633
Man, I love college.
So many chicks, so many parties.
239
00:09:28,635 --> 00:09:30,301
(chuckles):
Yeah, totally.
240
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:32,303
I'm supposed to meet
the R.A. for coffee
241
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:34,005
later in the common room,
but until then,
242
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:35,974
I'm just gonna walk around
with my shower caddy
243
00:09:35,976 --> 00:09:39,077
and see what people wrote
on their whiteboards.
244
00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:46,150
Uh, before I touch anything,
is this a nut-free counter?
245
00:09:46,152 --> 00:09:49,554
I don't know-- my dad's might
have been on there this morning.
246
00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:51,222
Oh, hey, Meg.
247
00:09:51,224 --> 00:09:54,158
I saw you stomp that pigeon
today with your bare foot.
248
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:55,827
Pretty powerful stuff.
249
00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:58,563
Thanks. I don't like losing
any part of my lunch.
250
00:09:58,565 --> 00:10:01,065
Look, I'd love to stay and talk,
Neil, but I have homework,
251
00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:03,334
and there was no toilet paper
in the girls' bathroom.
252
00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:05,703
Well, while you freshen up,
maybe I could help you get
253
00:10:05,705 --> 00:10:07,071
a head start
on that homework.
254
00:10:07,073 --> 00:10:08,239
You'd do that?
255
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:10,041
Wow, that'd be great!
256
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:13,344
Wait, Neil, I thought you and I
were gonna go find unlocked cars
257
00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:15,013
and pretend
we're driving them.
258
00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:18,182
Sorry, Chris.
Booty calls.
259
00:10:18,184 --> 00:10:19,517
What was that all about?
260
00:10:19,519 --> 00:10:22,253
Well, I guess
I have to do it by myself.
261
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:27,091
Boy, this light
is taking forever!
262
00:10:28,194 --> 00:10:30,228
Please get out.
I never drive this car.
263
00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:32,330
My wife died in it.
264
00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:40,571
Listen up, maggots,
you're in my house now!
265
00:10:40,573 --> 00:10:42,407
There are no belly
scratches here!
266
00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:44,108
There are no table scraps!
267
00:10:44,110 --> 00:10:45,710
What we have here are good dogs!
268
00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:48,212
No bandana wearing,
Frisbee catching hippie dogs!
269
00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:51,282
No parking lot,
hind leg dancing YouTube dogs!
270
00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:54,719
No crime solving, camera
mugging Scooby Dooby dogs!
271
00:10:54,721 --> 00:10:56,087
Oh, no Scooby Doo, huh?
272
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,455
Ruh-roh.
273
00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:59,624
Oh, it seems we got
us a comedy dog.
274
00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:02,060
Are you Kathy Griffin?
'Cause I ain't laughing.
275
00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:03,561
So maybe you are
Kathy Griffin.
276
00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:05,229
Or maybe you're
that comedy dog
277
00:11:05,231 --> 00:11:07,231
with Robert Smigel's
hand up your backside.
278
00:11:07,233 --> 00:11:09,267
Well, let me tell you
something, comedy dog.
279
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:11,102
You're here for
me to poop on!
280
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:12,971
All right, first of all,
it seems like
281
00:11:12,973 --> 00:11:15,573
you have a lot of opinions
about a lot of comedians.
282
00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:16,741
And second of all... Ow!
283
00:11:16,743 --> 00:11:18,643
That hurts!
That's right.
284
00:11:18,645 --> 00:11:20,745
Silent and terrible,
like The Artist.
285
00:11:20,747 --> 00:11:22,647
I watch a lot of
TV and movies.
286
00:11:22,649 --> 00:11:24,949
I am your media-savvy
worst nightmare!
287
00:11:24,951 --> 00:11:27,652
Now, down on all fours
like the rest of them!
288
00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,421
That's right, we got ways
to break your spirit!
289
00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:34,993
In fact, you seem like a
prime candidate for The Chair.
290
00:11:34,995 --> 00:11:37,428
(classical music playing,
Brian grunting)
291
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:39,163
(vacuum whirring)
292
00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:42,533
(grunting)
293
00:11:43,970 --> 00:11:46,237
(screaming)
294
00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:49,841
Honey, did you hear
a dog scream?
295
00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:51,843
Yes, I did, dear.
296
00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:55,079
Our summer cabin is near
the obedience school.
297
00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:00,985
Move along.
Got to keep the hallway clear.
298
00:12:00,987 --> 00:12:03,021
This isn't because
of my divorce.
299
00:12:03,023 --> 00:12:04,489
Good for him.
300
00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:07,392
He actually followed through.
301
00:12:08,862 --> 00:12:10,995
What the hell? Again?
302
00:12:10,997 --> 00:12:12,697
Thanks for doing
my book report, Neil.
303
00:12:12,699 --> 00:12:14,866
And I didn't even have
to change the handwriting,
304
00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:16,467
'cause you write
like a girl.
305
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:18,302
You should see me throw.
306
00:12:18,304 --> 00:12:21,039
Listen, Meg, would you want
to go to a movie sometime?
307
00:12:21,041 --> 00:12:23,141
You know what?
308
00:12:23,143 --> 00:12:25,043
I'd like that. It's a date.
309
00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:27,211
Okay, well, I'll, uh...
I'll see you later.
310
00:12:27,213 --> 00:12:29,047
Home Ec just got out.
311
00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:31,282
I'm gonna go lick
all their bowls.
312
00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:34,886
Hey, Neil.
Oh, h-hey, Chris.
313
00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:38,056
You sure are spending a lot
of time with my sister lately.
314
00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:39,891
You know,
if I didn't know better,
315
00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:41,993
I'd think
that fish are ghosts.
316
00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:44,996
And I'd also think
you're putting the moves on Meg.
317
00:12:44,998 --> 00:12:46,531
(sighs)
318
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:49,500
Listen, Chris, you're my
friend, so I have to confess.
319
00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:51,836
My sitting with you
at lunch was part
320
00:12:51,838 --> 00:12:54,672
of a carefully laid-out plan
to get close to your sister.
321
00:12:54,674 --> 00:12:56,574
What?!
Look, I know it
sounds terrible.
322
00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:59,677
But-but still, we've had
some good times together.
323
00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:02,814
We even got Sean Penn
to dress up as my dad.
324
00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:08,152
Go away! I never want
to talk to you again!
325
00:13:09,355 --> 00:13:10,922
God, I should have known it.
326
00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:12,523
I feel more betrayed
327
00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:15,226
than when I thought
that lawyer was gonna propose.
328
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:17,028
So you did
commit the murder?
329
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:18,563
Uh-huh.
330
00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,932
And you admit it here
in front of everyone?
331
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:22,533
Uh-huh.
332
00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:24,869
No further questions,
Your Honor.
333
00:13:24,871 --> 00:13:27,105
Wait. No further questions?
334
00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:31,342
Motion to have the last eight
years stricken from the record!
335
00:13:35,048 --> 00:13:36,814
(doorbell rings)
336
00:13:39,219 --> 00:13:40,785
Hey, Brian,
you're back!
337
00:13:40,787 --> 00:13:43,054
Come on in.
In... inside?
338
00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:44,922
Are-are...
are you sure?
339
00:13:44,924 --> 00:13:46,557
Yeah, what-what...
yeah, what do you think,
340
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:48,559
I'm gonna make you
stay in the yard?
341
00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:50,695
Get in here.
342
00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:56,067
Sir, if it takes the rest of
my life, I will repay you.
343
00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:57,301
Who's this puss?
344
00:13:57,303 --> 00:13:59,137
Oh, no, no, no,
I'm-I'm not a cat.
345
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:01,239
I'm-I'm a dog.
I'm your pet.
346
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:03,407
And-and I'm just happy
to be here.
347
00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:05,443
Brian, what did they do
to you at that school?
348
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:07,578
You're-you're
so... submissive.
349
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:09,981
Yes, looks like someone's
gone at him with a "hwhip."
350
00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:12,783
That is... that is a perfectly
valid way of saying that.
351
00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:14,819
Bravo, Master.
Master?
352
00:14:14,821 --> 00:14:18,689
And a surprisingly quick
erection for Stewie.
353
00:14:24,764 --> 00:14:26,664
There you go.
354
00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:28,332
You-you look
very dapper, sir.
355
00:14:28,334 --> 00:14:29,634
Thanks, Brian.
356
00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:31,269
God, I love the new you.
357
00:14:31,271 --> 00:14:33,437
That obedience school really
schooled you in obedience.
358
00:14:33,439 --> 00:14:34,639
(gasps)
359
00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:36,440
That's why it's
called that!
360
00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:39,277
Permission to take fast,
tiny bites of my own tail, sir?
361
00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:41,345
Granted.
362
00:14:41,347 --> 00:14:43,114
You're wearing a bow tie?
363
00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:44,448
What's the occasion?
364
00:14:44,450 --> 00:14:45,850
No occasion, Lois.
365
00:14:45,852 --> 00:14:47,685
I just want to piss
a couple of guys off.
366
00:14:47,687 --> 00:14:49,120
What the hell are you doing?
367
00:14:49,122 --> 00:14:50,821
You think you're
better than us?
368
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:53,424
No way you tied
that on your own.
369
00:14:57,797 --> 00:14:59,297
I'm glad we got here early.
370
00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:01,032
I like to watch
the previews.
371
00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:04,168
Yeah, and also the friendly
warning about theater shootings.
372
00:15:04,170 --> 00:15:05,503
(upbeat music plays)
373
00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:08,206
♪ Don't get shot by a bullet ♪
374
00:15:08,208 --> 00:15:10,808
♪ Don't get shot
by a bullet ♪
375
00:15:10,810 --> 00:15:13,811
♪ Keep your wits about you ♪
376
00:15:13,813 --> 00:15:16,814
♪ This place used to be fun! ♪
377
00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,516
You know, this is nice.
378
00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:20,651
It's actually the first time
I've been on a date
379
00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:22,220
since I got the nickname
Gutterball.
380
00:15:22,222 --> 00:15:23,554
It is nice.
381
00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,389
Here, hold still.
382
00:15:26,226 --> 00:15:28,426
Make a wish.
383
00:15:29,195 --> 00:15:31,162
What did you wish for?
384
00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:32,730
This.
385
00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:39,003
You used me just so
you could date my sister!
386
00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:40,905
Oh, my God! Chris?!
387
00:15:40,907 --> 00:15:42,240
I'm so sorry!
388
00:15:42,242 --> 00:15:44,075
Oh, what have I done?!
389
00:15:44,077 --> 00:15:46,177
Aw, crap.
390
00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:47,745
Okay, Dad, you got us in.
391
00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:49,814
Now just go.
392
00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:56,520
Cleveland,
what are you looking at?
393
00:15:56,522 --> 00:15:57,688
I'm on edge.
394
00:15:57,690 --> 00:15:59,857
Saw Halloween II
last night.
395
00:15:59,859 --> 00:16:00,925
Brian, go outside.
396
00:16:00,927 --> 00:16:02,360
Keep guard
for Michael Myers.
397
00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:04,595
If he seem like he
dead, he ain't dead!
398
00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:06,063
Boy, Peter, seems like
399
00:16:06,065 --> 00:16:07,865
that obedience school
did wonders for Brian.
400
00:16:07,867 --> 00:16:09,233
Ah, yeah, it's great.
401
00:16:09,235 --> 00:16:11,202
He'll do anything
I tell him to now.
402
00:16:11,204 --> 00:16:12,703
Maybe I should
send Bonnie.
403
00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:14,939
(laughing)
404
00:16:17,443 --> 00:16:19,443
Oh. Oh, my!
405
00:16:19,445 --> 00:16:21,612
(laughing)
406
00:16:21,614 --> 00:16:23,381
All right, somebody
say something else.
407
00:16:23,383 --> 00:16:26,350
No. You need to know
what you did.
408
00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:31,422
(slurring):
Hey, Brian, you know...
409
00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:32,757
you know what we should do?
410
00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:35,059
Let's you and me go pee
in Meg's bed.
411
00:16:35,061 --> 00:16:36,894
That's-that's always fun.
412
00:16:36,896 --> 00:16:38,129
Pee in her bed?
413
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:39,897
I-I... I could never do that.
414
00:16:39,899 --> 00:16:41,899
That-that... that'd be
peeing in the house,
415
00:16:41,901 --> 00:16:43,467
and that's-that's...
that's bad dog stuff.
416
00:16:43,469 --> 00:16:45,136
That-that's not good dog stuff!
417
00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:47,238
Wait. What?
What are you talking about?
418
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,774
Forgive me for speaking
out of turn, sir,
419
00:16:49,776 --> 00:16:52,276
but you sent me to that
school to change me.
420
00:16:52,278 --> 00:16:53,978
It was your turn,
wasn't it?
421
00:16:53,980 --> 00:16:55,946
First, I went,
and you went?
422
00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:57,648
We best get you
to bed, sir.
423
00:16:57,650 --> 00:16:59,483
Oh, come on, Brian.
It's still early.
424
00:16:59,485 --> 00:17:01,652
Let's just... let's go throw
potatoes at Cleveland's house.
425
00:17:01,654 --> 00:17:02,920
You go ahead.
426
00:17:02,922 --> 00:17:04,455
I've got to go make
the waffle fries
427
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:07,158
that you scream-requested
in the car.
428
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,493
Geez, what the hell
happened to him?
429
00:17:09,495 --> 00:17:13,164
We used to be so close,
but now we seem so different.
430
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:14,465
Like a whale
431
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:17,568
and his developmentally-disabled
brother.
432
00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:20,004
(crowd oohs)
433
00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:23,074
Hi, guys!
434
00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:27,678
Get in my mouth,
you hundreds of fish.
435
00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:34,618
MAN (over radio): A record crowd
of 65 people turned out
436
00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:36,320
for Free Jerky Stick Night.
437
00:17:36,322 --> 00:17:38,456
Hey, that sounds
pretty good to me.
438
00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:40,491
Traffic on 146 is backed up
all the way
439
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:41,525
to Mineral Spring Avenue...
440
00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:43,494
What do you want, Neil?
441
00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:45,363
And why are you
playing the news?
442
00:17:45,365 --> 00:17:46,697
Oh, it's an old boom box.
443
00:17:46,699 --> 00:17:48,165
I don't own any cassettes,
444
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:50,368
so I just have to play
whatever's on the radio.
445
00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:52,336
Shouldn't you be out with Meg?
446
00:17:52,338 --> 00:17:54,972
Look, Chris,
I-I'm sorry I lied to you,
447
00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:57,875
but I'd still like
to be friends, and I hope...
448
00:17:57,877 --> 00:18:00,211
I'm sorry.
I have to put the boom box down.
449
00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:02,179
The D batteries
make it very heavy.
450
00:18:02,181 --> 00:18:03,547
Neil! There you are!
451
00:18:03,549 --> 00:18:05,316
What the hell
is your problem?!
452
00:18:05,318 --> 00:18:06,851
I finally give
you a shot,
453
00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:09,253
and you abandon me
in a movie theater?!
454
00:18:16,662 --> 00:18:18,162
I'm sorry, Meg,
455
00:18:18,164 --> 00:18:20,831
but my friendship with Chris
is more important.
456
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:23,334
You're a jerk, Neil!
457
00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:24,902
So what do you say, Chris?
458
00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:26,404
Can we hang out again?
459
00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:29,507
Yeah. I'd like that, Neil.
460
00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:31,809
Great. See you tomorrow.
461
00:18:35,581 --> 00:18:37,815
(thumping)
462
00:18:39,886 --> 00:18:41,886
This is 'cause I'm drunk!
463
00:18:41,888 --> 00:18:44,488
CLEVELAND:
Move out, Irish trash!
464
00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:52,029
Hey, Lois, you noticed
ever since Brian came back
465
00:18:52,031 --> 00:18:54,432
from obedience school
that things have been weird?
466
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:55,866
What do you mean?
467
00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:57,768
Well, he just lets me
order him around,
468
00:18:57,770 --> 00:19:00,371
and he-he never wants to do
fun stuff together like before.
469
00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:02,706
I mean, the thing I always
loved about Brian was
470
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:04,909
that he wasn't just a pet.
471
00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:06,076
He was a friend.
472
00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:08,379
And I miss that friend.
473
00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:11,549
I think we just have to accept
that this is how he is now.
474
00:19:11,551 --> 00:19:13,384
Don't forget,
he bit you, Peter.
475
00:19:13,386 --> 00:19:15,085
I mean, what if he bit Stewie?
476
00:19:15,087 --> 00:19:17,054
STEWIE: How about
you bite me, bitch?
477
00:19:17,056 --> 00:19:18,622
Wait a minute. You're right!
478
00:19:18,624 --> 00:19:20,558
He bit me!
479
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,693
I know what I got to do.
480
00:19:23,896 --> 00:19:25,429
STEWIE: I'm sorry.
Was that too harsh?
481
00:19:25,431 --> 00:19:27,998
It sounded more
playful in my head.
482
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:36,407
(quietly):
I'm sorry, Brian,
483
00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:39,043
but I'm doing this in
the name of friendship.
484
00:19:42,315 --> 00:19:44,081
(barking)
485
00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:46,417
Ah, damn it!
What the hell, Peter?!
486
00:19:46,419 --> 00:19:48,486
(gasping)
Oh, my God.
487
00:19:48,488 --> 00:19:50,120
Oh, my God, I bit you!
488
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:51,322
I'm-I'm so sorry, sir!
489
00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:53,157
No, no, no, it's
okay! It's okay!
490
00:19:53,159 --> 00:19:54,458
Don't you see, Brian?
491
00:19:54,460 --> 00:19:55,759
That's the
appropriate response
492
00:19:55,761 --> 00:19:57,428
if anyone gets
near your anus.
493
00:19:57,430 --> 00:20:00,097
Look, we were wrong
to try to change you.
494
00:20:00,099 --> 00:20:02,099
I-I just want
the old you back.
495
00:20:02,101 --> 00:20:03,434
You do?
496
00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:05,269
But-but I was a bad dog.
497
00:20:05,271 --> 00:20:07,838
I know, but that's what I
liked about you, you know?
498
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:10,474
You were fun, we got into
trouble together, we got...
499
00:20:10,476 --> 00:20:12,810
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I just rubbed
my eye with this finger.
500
00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:14,645
Am I gonna be okay?
Am I gonna be okay?
501
00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:15,846
Wait, how do
you get pinkeye?
502
00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:17,481
Oh, God, this has
got to be it.
503
00:20:17,483 --> 00:20:21,018
Peter, I want things back
the way they were, too.
504
00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:22,353
That's what I want!
505
00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:24,688
Look, I'm really sorry
I bit you.
506
00:20:24,690 --> 00:20:26,123
Oh, forget all that.
507
00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:28,526
I'm just happy
to have my best friend back.
508
00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:30,794
I missed you, Brian.
509
00:20:30,796 --> 00:20:34,465
I've missed you, too, Peter.
510
00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:36,300
Welcome back, buddy.
511
00:20:36,302 --> 00:20:39,603
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
512
00:20:44,977 --> 00:20:47,878
And now I'm gonna go upstairs
and pee in Meg's bed.
513
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:49,146
No.
514
00:20:49,148 --> 00:20:51,348
We're gonna go pee
in Meg's bed.
515
00:20:51,350 --> 00:20:53,684
Good boy.
516
00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:55,352
Hey, what's up?
517
00:20:55,354 --> 00:20:57,621
I didn't know we could do finger
stuff in the public rooms.37783
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