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1
00:00:01,869 --> 00:00:04,837
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:08,107
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:11,677
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:14,680
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:18,017
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,019 --> 00:00:21,553
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,188
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,456
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:30,095
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:35,002 --> 00:00:38,203
Say, you fellas know
if Jerome serves dessert here?
11
00:00:38,205 --> 00:00:39,872
I got a real hankering
for pudding.
12
00:00:39,874 --> 00:00:41,473
That's so weird.
13
00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:43,809
I was just thinking about
pudding on the way over here.
14
00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:45,511
Okay, well,
you two are clearly in love,
15
00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:47,146
but I could also go
for some pudding.
16
00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:48,480
Why we all got pudding
on the brain?
17
00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:49,915
It's got to be
that new billboard
18
00:00:49,917 --> 00:00:51,817
advertising pudding
on the highway.
19
00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:53,385
We all drove past it
on the way here.
20
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:55,020
Huh.
Well, that's no surprise.
21
00:00:55,022 --> 00:00:57,222
Everyone in my house
can get very excited
22
00:00:57,224 --> 00:00:59,058
by a good ad campaign.
23
00:01:03,431 --> 00:01:05,664
(tires screeching)
24
00:01:09,070 --> 00:01:11,036
Lois! Lois, it's back!
25
00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:13,072
I heard, Peter!
I heard!
26
00:01:13,074 --> 00:01:14,406
Kids, kids, it's happening!
27
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,408
Get your coats!
This is what we practiced for!
28
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:19,078
(barking, cheering)
29
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:20,279
I love you, Dad!
30
00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:21,447
I love you, too, sweetheart!
31
00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:23,449
None of the past matters!
32
00:01:23,451 --> 00:01:25,717
Oh, yeah, I seen
that pudding billboard.
33
00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:29,221
It's that one that says
"CBS Outdoor Advertising" on it.
34
00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:32,558
Yeah, but right above that is,
like, a big guy eating pudding.
35
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:33,926
I don't remember none of that.
36
00:01:33,928 --> 00:01:36,295
I just remember
"CBS Outdoor Advertising"
37
00:01:36,297 --> 00:01:38,864
on the bottom and three pigeons
sitting on top.
38
00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:41,133
You're bad at looking
at billboards.
39
00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:42,701
Hey, we should go
check it out right now.
40
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:45,270
Ordinarily I'd say no, but
that adult kickball league
41
00:01:45,272 --> 00:01:47,940
is coming in for drinks,
so let's get out of here.
42
00:01:47,942 --> 00:01:49,741
Guys, check it out.
43
00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:52,311
I've got flip-up shades
on my flip-up shades.
44
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:54,279
Dude, you are the worst.
45
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:57,616
Hey, we're all the worst.
46
00:02:04,125 --> 00:02:05,591
That's real
pudding in there.
47
00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:07,292
What? No, it isn't.
48
00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:09,962
They wouldn't put real pudding
on a billboard, Peter.
49
00:02:09,964 --> 00:02:12,264
Do you have any idea how
crippled you sound right now?
50
00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:14,133
Peter, it's not real pudding.
51
00:02:14,135 --> 00:02:16,235
God, sometimes I just want
to shake some sense into you.
52
00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:18,303
Big talk for a guy
who looks like a dad
53
00:02:18,305 --> 00:02:19,972
at a Dave Matthews'
concert.
54
00:02:19,974 --> 00:02:22,007
Everybody hates how
you dress, right, Joe?
55
00:02:22,009 --> 00:02:24,309
Sorry, I stay out
of fashion debates.
56
00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:26,411
I've been burned
one too many times.
57
00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:28,814
Hey, guys,
notice anything different?
58
00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:30,816
Yeah, Minetti's got
a hot new look.
59
00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:33,418
The whole thing,
it just works.
60
00:02:33,420 --> 00:02:35,420
(growling):
Minetti.
61
00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:37,189
Look, there's only one
way to settle this.
62
00:02:37,191 --> 00:02:40,159
I am climbing that billboard
to prove it's real pudding.
63
00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:44,997
Moisturizer?
64
00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:47,166
Sure.
Okay.
65
00:02:49,003 --> 00:02:52,237
We getting on
into the chappy season.
66
00:02:54,942 --> 00:02:56,608
Peter, be careful
up there!
67
00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:59,178
Is this being
careful enough, Joe?
68
00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:01,213
Okay. All right.
69
00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:04,850
(screams)
70
00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:06,552
Peter, are you okay?!
71
00:03:06,554 --> 00:03:09,154
All right, there's no pudding,
but there is a kid up here.
72
00:03:09,156 --> 00:03:10,556
QUAGMIRE:
Don't hold him like that.
73
00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:11,790
Oh, my God!
74
00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:13,559
Peter, that's the lost
Nicholson kid!
75
00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:15,227
He's been missing for a week!
76
00:03:15,229 --> 00:03:16,862
Oh, yeah.
77
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:19,364
They arrested a
custodian 'cause of you.
78
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:21,733
Peter, stay put.
I'll call this in,
79
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:24,369
and we'll get a crew
out here to help you both down.
80
00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:25,804
(sighs) All right,
but can you hurry it up?
81
00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:27,372
I got band practice later.
82
00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:28,840
(salsa music playing)
83
00:03:28,842 --> 00:03:30,409
PETER:
I love playing the maracas.
84
00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:31,677
They're so fun.
85
00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:33,212
I wonder what's in them.
86
00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:35,981
Sand or rice probably.
87
00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:37,549
Maybe it's little shells.
88
00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:39,985
Oh, no, what if it's bones?
89
00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:41,386
No, no, bones are too big.
90
00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:43,655
But baby bones aren't.
91
00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:46,491
No, no, no, nobody would killa bunch of babies for maracas.
92
00:03:46,493 --> 00:03:48,827
How would you killall those babies anyway?
93
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:51,230
I'd probably put them in a tub.
94
00:03:51,232 --> 00:03:53,565
You could kill, like,eight at a time that way.
95
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,334
Plus, it softens them up,
96
00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:57,369
so you can getthe bones right out.
97
00:03:57,371 --> 00:03:59,371
Joe just had a baby.
98
00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:01,273
And I got a baby at home.
99
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:03,442
I got a tub.
100
00:04:04,445 --> 00:04:06,111
Peter, you seem off today.
101
00:04:06,113 --> 00:04:07,879
Are you thinking
about killing infants again?
102
00:04:07,881 --> 00:04:09,081
No.
103
00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:11,984
Now you got to kill them, too.
104
00:04:17,458 --> 00:04:18,690
Mikey, you're safe!
105
00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:21,460
Thank you so much
for finding my boy.
106
00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:23,262
Thank you for
finding her boy.
107
00:04:23,264 --> 00:04:25,464
I'm the stepfather.
108
00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:32,037
Peter Griffin,
in recognition of your heroism
109
00:04:32,039 --> 00:04:35,140
in helping to rescue
little Mikey Nicholson,
110
00:04:35,142 --> 00:04:39,544
I'd like to present you
with this key to the city.
111
00:04:39,546 --> 00:04:42,447
Now, don't forget to water
the plants every other day
112
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:43,915
and change the cat's litter.
113
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:45,450
I'll see you in two weeks.
114
00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:47,286
No parties.
115
00:04:48,289 --> 00:04:49,821
Thank you, Mayor West.
116
00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:52,457
You know, some of you
out there are calling me a hero.
117
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:54,059
Others are calling me a hoagie.
118
00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:56,261
Those of you from Connecticut
are calling me a grinder.
119
00:04:56,263 --> 00:04:57,829
I guess what
I'm trying to say is
120
00:04:57,831 --> 00:05:00,832
I'm not just pieces of meat
between pieces of bread.
121
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:04,369
I am a man
who unintentionally saves kids.
122
00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:06,905
Wow.
123
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:08,140
20 years on the force,
124
00:05:08,142 --> 00:05:09,741
and no one's ever clapped
for me.
125
00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:12,311
Except for that one
sarcastic gay guy.
126
00:05:13,681 --> 00:05:15,480
Great observation.
127
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:18,417
I know you mean the opposite
of what you're saying.
128
00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:21,286
Fact is, when I saved that boy,
I wasn't thinking.
129
00:05:21,288 --> 00:05:23,422
I don't think. I just do.
130
00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:26,158
I wanted to see if a billboard
had real pudding in it,
131
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:28,360
so I climbed up there
and came out a hero.
132
00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:30,462
It's just like Gandhi
always said,
133
00:05:30,464 --> 00:05:32,664
eat as much as you want
and do whatever,
134
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:35,167
and don't be afraid
to hit each other.
135
00:05:38,339 --> 00:05:39,671
Way to go, Dad.
136
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:42,541
Peter, that thing you
said about not thinking
137
00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:44,509
and just doing stuff,
did you mean that?
138
00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:45,711
Sure I did, Joe.
139
00:05:45,713 --> 00:05:46,978
I never stop to think.
140
00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:49,181
That's why I've had ringworm
11 times.
141
00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:51,249
I will roll in anything.
142
00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:53,885
You know what, you're right.
143
00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:56,521
And it's time I do
the same thing.
144
00:05:57,991 --> 00:05:59,157
Hey, Chief. It's Swanson.
145
00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:00,492
I quit.
146
00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:01,893
Joe Swanson.
147
00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:04,162
I don't know
if Ray Swanson's quitting.
148
00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:05,831
You'd have to ask him.
149
00:06:05,833 --> 00:06:08,033
Okay, you just called me
Ray again.
150
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:11,703
I just want to confirm that
you understand that this is Joe.
151
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:14,473
No, not "see you tomorrow."
152
00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:17,008
Joe, what are you doing?
You can't quit your job.
153
00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:19,177
Well, that's
the other thing, Bonnie.
154
00:06:19,179 --> 00:06:20,545
You and I are done, too.
155
00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:21,513
What?!
156
00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:23,382
I'm leaving you.
157
00:06:23,384 --> 00:06:25,417
(whoops) New Joe!
158
00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:29,855
Wow. I can't remember the
last time Joe shot his gun.
159
00:06:29,857 --> 00:06:31,590
I know. That bullet's
been rolling around
160
00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:33,525
in his junk drawer for years.
161
00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:35,360
Hey, Ma, guess where I am?
162
00:06:35,362 --> 00:06:36,828
Yeah, can you hear it?
163
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:37,863
Flying through the air.
164
00:06:37,865 --> 00:06:39,664
I don't know what he shot at.
165
00:06:39,666 --> 00:06:41,833
I guess I'll just have
to find out when I land.
166
00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:43,535
(chuckles)
No, don't put Terry on.
167
00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:45,003
You-you can just tell him.
168
00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:47,406
H-Hey. Hi, Terry.
169
00:06:57,885 --> 00:06:59,584
Oh, God.
170
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:00,752
What?
"What?"
171
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:01,853
You know what.
172
00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:03,588
I think it looks good.
173
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,524
You are, you are just
trying anything, aren't you?
174
00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:07,526
Just searching for
an identity, man.
175
00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:09,461
And you think this
is gonna be it, huh?
176
00:07:09,463 --> 00:07:11,396
Oh, God, whatever.
177
00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:13,098
Peter, I'm worried
about Joe.
178
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,900
You know, not only
did he quit his job,
179
00:07:14,902 --> 00:07:17,202
he's moved out and gotten
his own apartment.
180
00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:19,771
Oh, I feel terrible for
Bonnie and the kids.
181
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:22,240
Ah, they'll be fine.
They'll bounce back.
182
00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:24,543
Just like Humpty Dumpty did
after his fall.
183
00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:26,445
My God, it's a miracle!
184
00:07:26,447 --> 00:07:28,980
You were able to put me
back together again.
185
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:31,116
Yeah, it was actually
a pretty simple procedure.
186
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:33,318
Maybe next time go straight
to a medical professional
187
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,720
and skip the horses
and illiterate servants.
188
00:07:35,722 --> 00:07:38,590
Well, that is the last time
I drink and masturbate
189
00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:40,992
on top of a high wall.
190
00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:46,465
Wait, wait, Quagmire, hold up.
191
00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:48,266
I got a great knock.
192
00:07:48,268 --> 00:07:50,469
(knocking "Shave and a Haircut")
193
00:07:50,471 --> 00:07:52,437
(giggles)
Oh, I got to remember that.
194
00:07:52,439 --> 00:07:54,506
Oh, hey, guys.
How's it going?
195
00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:56,007
(gently):
Hey, buddy.
196
00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:57,309
How you doing?
197
00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:58,577
You okay?
198
00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:00,011
Everything okay?
199
00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:02,747
I'm talking like this
because I'm being very careful
200
00:08:02,749 --> 00:08:04,683
not to upset you,
and for some reason
201
00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:07,018
this is the voice people use
to do that.
202
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,687
I'm great.
Come on in.
203
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:10,489
Check out the new pad.
204
00:08:10,491 --> 00:08:11,756
Whoa!
205
00:08:11,758 --> 00:08:13,325
You got an air hockey table?
206
00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:15,460
Yep. Wanted it, got it.
207
00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:16,928
That's the new Joe.
208
00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:18,330
And check this out.
209
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:19,831
It's the gun
that no-leg sprinter used
210
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,700
to kill his girlfriend.
211
00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:23,602
Oh, my God!
212
00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:25,971
Eh, anyone who's kind of fast
gets a free pass from me.
213
00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:28,139
What kind of person
would want to buy that?
214
00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:29,341
I'll tell you who.
215
00:08:29,343 --> 00:08:30,709
The kind of guy
who's always got
216
00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:33,678
butterscotch candies
for his friends.
217
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:36,114
Okay, now that's pretty cool.
218
00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:38,283
I got to be honest,
Joe, we came over here
219
00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:39,718
because we were
worried about you,
220
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,853
but these candies tell
me you're doing great.
221
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:42,988
I've never been better.
222
00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:44,789
I was living my life all wrong.
223
00:08:44,791 --> 00:08:45,857
But not anymore.
224
00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,726
No more thinking, just living.
225
00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:49,861
Well, it seems like you made
the right choice, Joe.
226
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,530
I mean, I ain't seen
anyone this happy
227
00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:54,499
since the invention
of the penny-farthing bicycle.
228
00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:56,635
Eureka! Watch it go.
229
00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:58,303
Higher than you,
faster than you,
230
00:08:58,305 --> 00:08:59,638
better than you.
231
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,573
Everyone just stop inventing
stuff now,
232
00:09:01,575 --> 00:09:03,575
'cause no one
will ever top this.
233
00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:05,510
(laughter)
Oh, no!
234
00:09:05,512 --> 00:09:06,878
Keep rakes away.
235
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,214
I expressly said no rakes
allowed on the street
236
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:12,417
when I am riding my
futuristic machine.
237
00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:14,553
(groans)
238
00:09:14,555 --> 00:09:16,421
Children, this is progress!
239
00:09:16,423 --> 00:09:19,824
How can you turn a blind eye
to progress?!
240
00:09:19,826 --> 00:09:21,593
(groaning)
241
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:25,630
I expressly said no rakes.
242
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:30,902
'Sup, ladies?
243
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,737
Oh, we're not ladies, you.
244
00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:33,705
Hey, what's with
the suitcase?
245
00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:35,340
I got a surprise.
246
00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:37,542
What would you guys think
of a road trip?
247
00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:38,710
Yeah!
All right, I'm in!
248
00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:40,011
Awesome, road trip!
249
00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:42,180
I love being super pumped
for 15 minutes
250
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:43,949
and then bored out of my mind
for eight hours.
251
00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:45,216
Where we going?
252
00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:46,918
Well, I was thinking
Niagara Falls.
253
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,186
Niagara Falls?
254
00:09:48,188 --> 00:09:49,354
Ain't that just for lovers?
255
00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:50,455
Nah, it's for everybody.
256
00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:51,957
It's great to just stand there
257
00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:53,758
and let Mother Nature spray it
all over your face.
258
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:57,696
Donna's big fat aunt is in town,
so I can definitely go.
259
00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:04,269
Man, I am filling
these Gatorade bottles
260
00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:05,770
as fast as I'm drinking them.
261
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:06,805
Ah, sweet! Cows!
262
00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:08,139
Let's tip them over.
263
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:09,808
What? You want
to tip over some cows?
264
00:10:09,810 --> 00:10:11,643
Hell yeah!
265
00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:16,281
This is gonna
be so boss.
266
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,816
I can't wait.
267
00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:21,720
This is the hardest thing
I've ever done in my life.
268
00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:22,754
All right, cow.
269
00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:26,157
This is what you get
for standing.
270
00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:27,626
That...
271
00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:29,060
was awesome.
272
00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:30,729
PETER:
I want to kiss that cow,
273
00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:32,464
but I don't want itto be my idea.
274
00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:34,799
Hey, Peter, you should
kiss that cow.
275
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:36,768
All right, Peter,that was fortuitous.
276
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,103
But play it cool.
277
00:10:38,105 --> 00:10:39,504
Oh, Cleveland, I couldn't.
278
00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:42,273
Okay. Quagmire,
you should kiss that cow.
279
00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:43,675
Sure, why not?
280
00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:45,377
(screams)
281
00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:51,783
JOE:
Okay, they're sleeping.
282
00:10:51,785 --> 00:10:53,918
We're gonna have to party
in the bathroom.
283
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:55,854
Be careful around
the really fat one.
284
00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:57,656
He's kind of like my boss.
285
00:10:57,658 --> 00:10:59,658
QUAGMIRE:
What? Who-who's there?
286
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:01,926
Joe, what the hell
are you doing?
287
00:11:01,928 --> 00:11:03,795
I went to
a high school kegger party.
288
00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:05,130
Made a few new friends.
289
00:11:05,132 --> 00:11:07,298
This is Chrysalis,
Ichabod and Cancer.
290
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,501
Oh, I see
three young men
291
00:11:09,503 --> 00:11:11,469
who could use the
tickle monster.
292
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:13,138
Uh, that's a bad read, Pete.
293
00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:14,639
Joe, it's 3:00
in the morning.
294
00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:15,674
We're trying to
get some sleep.
295
00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:17,275
You guys are lame.
296
00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:19,277
We're gonna go smoke
something called "croak."
297
00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:22,113
God, what the hell
has gotten into Joe?
298
00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:23,448
I don't know, Quagmire.
299
00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:24,883
Maybe you could
ask the tickle monster!
300
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:26,351
(laughing)
Stop it!
Here he comes!
301
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:27,852
No! Get away!
He's gonna get ya!
302
00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:29,020
Look out!
303
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,356
Great, now I'm fully up.
304
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:44,569
Here we are, guys,
Niagara Falls.
305
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,171
We showed them.
306
00:11:46,173 --> 00:11:47,839
We showed them all!
307
00:11:47,841 --> 00:11:49,874
Showed who? What the
hell's he talking about?
308
00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:51,543
I don't know.
309
00:11:51,545 --> 00:11:53,244
I stopped listening to him
back at the drive-thru
310
00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:56,081
when he leaned out the window
and ordered a "fur burger."
311
00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:58,683
That's not funny;
that's just nasty.
312
00:11:58,685 --> 00:12:01,986
Plus, there's people waiting
behind you!
313
00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:07,559
Wow. You know, when
you see it up close,
314
00:12:07,561 --> 00:12:09,160
it really is
incredible.
315
00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:11,896
Yeah. Holy crap,
it's beautiful.
316
00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:15,200
In the future, I believe
there will be water wars.
317
00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:17,569
You know, Lois always dreamed
about coming here,
318
00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:18,937
and now I know why.
319
00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:22,073
She was even
saving money for it.
320
00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:27,779
You made it, Lois.
321
00:12:27,781 --> 00:12:29,514
You made it.
322
00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:30,749
Didn't I tell you guys?
323
00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:32,751
It's the most magnificent place
in the world.
324
00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:35,553
And the greatest place
to end it all.
325
00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:36,988
Good-bye, fellas.
326
00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:47,365
Oh, my God, Joe killed himself!
327
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:48,867
It's so weird
that he argued
328
00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:50,869
over the price
of breakfast this morning.
329
00:12:50,871 --> 00:12:52,604
(sobs)
It makes no sense!
330
00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:53,872
JOE:
Damn it!
331
00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:54,873
Joe?
332
00:12:54,875 --> 00:12:57,242
(gasps)
Joe, you're alive!
333
00:12:57,244 --> 00:12:58,777
Are you hurt?
334
00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:00,311
I'm not sure.
335
00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:01,980
Well, hang in there, Joe,
we'll get some help.
336
00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:04,249
No! Just let me die!
337
00:13:04,251 --> 00:13:05,617
Oh, no, can't do that, Joe.
338
00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:06,651
We're friends.
339
00:13:06,653 --> 00:13:07,786
We look out for each other.
340
00:13:07,788 --> 00:13:09,120
I mean, you supported me
that day
341
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:11,890
I accidentally wore
Lois's jeans.
342
00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:13,958
Peter, you know
you're wearing...
343
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,227
I know. I think
there was a mix-up.
344
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:19,998
Oh, thank you, Jazzercize.
345
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,900
(truck beeping)
346
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:23,434
Don't worry, Joe.
They're coming for you.
347
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:26,204
MAN:
Yay! My backpack!
348
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:29,574
Hang in there, Joe.
349
00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:31,075
After they get that lady's hat,
you're next.
350
00:13:31,077 --> 00:13:32,577
WOMAN:
Thank you.
351
00:13:32,579 --> 00:13:34,179
It's windy up here.
352
00:13:34,181 --> 00:13:36,414
(truck beeping)
353
00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:42,620
Joe, what the hell
is wrong with you?
354
00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:44,255
Why would you try
to kill yourself?
355
00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:46,291
Why do you think? I'm worthless.
356
00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:48,993
But y-you've been so happy
these last few days.
357
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:49,828
I've been manic.
358
00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:51,696
Do you think Andy Dick
is happy?
359
00:13:51,698 --> 00:13:52,864
I couldn't imagine, no.
360
00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:55,033
Look, when I saw Peter
become a hero,
361
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:57,836
I guess it reminded me
of all the things I can't do.
362
00:13:57,838 --> 00:13:59,871
I'm a cop who can't save anyone.
363
00:13:59,873 --> 00:14:02,173
I'm a husband
in a legless marriage.
364
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:03,875
My whole life is a joke.
365
00:14:03,877 --> 00:14:06,711
But somehow, as soon
as I decided to kill myself,
366
00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:08,179
I actually felt free.
367
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:09,848
Almost giddy.
368
00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:12,684
I can finally kiss
this worthless life good-bye.
369
00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:14,219
Let me get
this straight.
370
00:14:14,221 --> 00:14:15,854
The whole point of bringing
us to Niagara Falls
371
00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:17,488
was just to
kill yourself?
372
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:19,624
I'm sorry I tricked
you guys into coming.
373
00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:22,393
I just wanted to spend
my last week with my best pals.
374
00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:24,696
Well, not for nothing, but
you could've taken us all
375
00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:26,698
to Disney World and shot
yourself in the room.
376
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,867
Come on, Joe, there's plenty
of reasons to live.
377
00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:30,535
Like, like, you're handsome.
378
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,337
You have a handsome face.
379
00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:33,972
Well, he's got
a good chin.
380
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,306
I don't know
about handsome.
381
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:36,841
Yeah, he's not handsome,
but I will say this,
382
00:14:36,843 --> 00:14:38,509
he keeps a good lawn.
383
00:14:38,511 --> 00:14:40,511
Yeah, some might say the second
best lawn in the neighborhood.
384
00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:42,747
Hey, wait, where's Joe?
385
00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:45,083
Joe, wait!
386
00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:47,085
(truck beeping)
387
00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:52,924
I stink at this.
388
00:14:56,730 --> 00:14:58,062
Anywhere is fine.
389
00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:00,331
Guys, this is
unnecessary.
390
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:01,900
Give me my chair back.
391
00:15:01,902 --> 00:15:04,102
No, we can't trust you
not to kill yourself.
392
00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:05,370
Yeah, then you'd be
the tenth friend
393
00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:07,372
who's killed himself
in front of me.
394
00:15:07,374 --> 00:15:08,439
Is that true?
395
00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:10,108
One, two, three,
four, five,
396
00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:11,242
six, seven...
397
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:13,378
those two girls and...
398
00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:14,779
Yeah, yeah, ten.
399
00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:16,547
Look, you guys,
what we really need to do
400
00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:18,583
is bring him back to Quahog
where we can get him some help.
401
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:19,884
That's a good idea.
402
00:15:19,886 --> 00:15:21,085
We should just go home.
403
00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:22,453
Yeah, I guess
you're right.
404
00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:23,922
It's too bad we already
bought those tickets
405
00:15:23,924 --> 00:15:25,690
for the Whirlpool
Aero Car.
406
00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:27,926
That's $16
we're not getting back.
407
00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:30,094
Yeah, what a waste of money.
408
00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:32,096
It is only a ten-minute
ride, you know.
409
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:33,765
Okay, we'll do
the Whirlpool Aero Car,
410
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:35,400
and then take Joe
back to Quahog.
411
00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:37,735
What about
the White Water Walk?
412
00:15:37,737 --> 00:15:38,970
Okay, okay, Whirlpool Aero Car,
413
00:15:38,972 --> 00:15:42,407
then White Water Walk,
then we bring Joe back.
414
00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:43,975
Well, you can't do
Niagara Falls
415
00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:45,209
without riding the
Maid of the Mist.
416
00:15:45,211 --> 00:15:46,978
Yeah, let's do everything.
Great!
417
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:49,914
And, guys, remember,
the pool towels go home with us.
418
00:15:49,916 --> 00:15:51,983
They got no way
of accounting for those.
419
00:16:03,730 --> 00:16:07,165
Well, this has just been
one heck of a fun day.
420
00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:08,399
Yeah. Yeah, you know,
421
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:10,134
seeing the natural beauty
of this place
422
00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:12,170
is actually making me
feel much better.
423
00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:14,772
Hey, you mind opening that door?
424
00:16:14,774 --> 00:16:17,108
Get a little breeze in here?
425
00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:19,010
Sure.
426
00:16:20,814 --> 00:16:22,580
Peter, no!
427
00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:28,319
I don't regret it.
The breeze is nice.
428
00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:34,826
(screaming)
429
00:16:38,999 --> 00:16:40,999
Oh, crap, I'm losing my grip!
430
00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:43,534
You buy your jeans
at Wal-Mart?
431
00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:46,637
No, somebody who lost theirs
at the church did.
432
00:16:46,639 --> 00:16:48,606
You wear
lost-and-found jeans?
433
00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:50,975
I waited the mandatory week.
434
00:16:50,977 --> 00:16:52,744
Hang on, guys!
435
00:16:57,617 --> 00:17:00,051
(screaming)
436
00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:08,860
Don't worry, I'm coming!
437
00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:23,808
What's that thing he's on?
438
00:17:23,810 --> 00:17:25,676
It's a chair with wheels!
439
00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:28,279
He's an absolute dream.
440
00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:49,267
Guys, keep swallowing water.
441
00:17:49,269 --> 00:17:51,569
We'll drink our way
out of this.
442
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:13,458
Guys, grab on to my legs!
443
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,126
(grunting)
444
00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:17,428
Got it!
445
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,297
Ew. You know, this is actually
the first time
446
00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:21,065
I've ever touched Joe.
447
00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:23,167
Don't worry, I gotcha.
448
00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:32,710
Oh, thank God, Joe.
449
00:18:32,712 --> 00:18:34,078
I thought I was dead!
450
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,114
I even pictured
my own funeral.
451
00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:41,552
♪ Grandma got run over
by a reindeer ♪
452
00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:46,157
♪ Walking home from our house
Christmas Eve... ♪
453
00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:47,391
I don't know, Chris.
454
00:18:47,393 --> 00:18:49,160
I don't know why
he wanted this,
455
00:18:49,162 --> 00:18:52,163
but we're honoring
your father's wishes.
456
00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:57,001
Ah, I'm gonna miss my daddy!
457
00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:00,872
(crowd cheering)
458
00:19:02,609 --> 00:19:04,342
Joe, that was amazing.
459
00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:05,910
You saved us.
460
00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:08,179
Oh, yeah, I guess I did.
461
00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:11,749
You know, I spent the whole time
trying to kill myself,
462
00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:14,318
but it took seeing
you guys almost die
463
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,188
to realize that life
really is worth living.
464
00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:19,357
See, Joe, you're
a hero, too.
465
00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:22,493
And we wouldn't trade you
for any friend in the world.
466
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:23,928
Thanks, Peter.
467
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:26,030
I'm lucky to have you guys
in my life.
468
00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:27,932
♪ We're four friends ♪
469
00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:29,634
♪ Having an adventure ♪
470
00:19:29,636 --> 00:19:31,369
♪ Four friends... ♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
471
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:32,370
What's that song?
Nothing.
472
00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:33,604
I made it up.
473
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:34,805
Well, stop it.
It's terrible.
474
00:19:34,807 --> 00:19:36,807
I don't think so.
It's catchy.
475
00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:38,442
♪ We're four friends ♪
476
00:19:38,444 --> 00:19:39,944
♪ Having an adventure ♪
477
00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:41,212
ALL:
♪ Four friends ♪
478
00:19:41,214 --> 00:19:42,813
♪ Having an adventure ♪
479
00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:44,182
♪ Four friends ♪
480
00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:45,716
Ah, what the hell.
♪ Having an adventure ♪
481
00:19:45,718 --> 00:19:47,151
♪ Four friends ♪
482
00:19:47,153 --> 00:19:48,352
♪ Having an adventure ♪
483
00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:51,389
♪ At Niagara Falls. ♪
484
00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:53,224
(chattering happily)
485
00:19:53,226 --> 00:19:55,026
Wow, that was awesome.
486
00:19:55,028 --> 00:19:56,327
Yeah, definitely.
487
00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:58,029
All right, okay,
don't anyone sing anything else
488
00:19:58,031 --> 00:19:59,864
until we get home.
We got to record this.
489
00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:01,799
Yeah, that'll be great.
490
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:05,036
♪ I'm a Barbie girl
in a Barbie world ♪
491
00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:06,637
♪ Come on, Barbie,
let's go party! ♪
492
00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:08,072
Peter, damn it, no!
493
00:20:08,074 --> 00:20:09,373
Wait, wait, we got to remember
the other one.
494
00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:10,541
What was it, Joe?
495
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:13,477
(sighs) It's gone.
496
00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:20,218
Well, that was kind of a weird
trip, but I'm glad we went.
497
00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:21,686
Yeah, I love
Niagara Falls.
498
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:24,422
I was the only black man
ever to go there.
499
00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:26,424
The tourists were
taking pictures of me.
500
00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:28,392
One of them thought
I was a bear.
501
00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:29,427
Hey, guys.
502
00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:31,329
Wow, Joe, you got your job back?
503
00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:32,430
Sure did.
504
00:20:32,432 --> 00:20:33,364
How'd you pull that off?
505
00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:35,333
Ah, they always need more cops.
506
00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:36,767
Turns out, not many people
507
00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:40,104
want to probably get shot
for $24,000 a year.
508
00:20:40,106 --> 00:20:41,205
And what about Bonnie?
509
00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:42,707
How you getting her back?
510
00:20:42,709 --> 00:20:44,108
Well, I got a plan for that.
511
00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:45,910
I hired some guys
to come to the house
512
00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:48,613
on Tuesday and assault her,
and I'll come in and save her,
513
00:20:48,615 --> 00:20:51,382
and she'll be so grateful,
she'll have to take me back.
514
00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:53,384
Joe, today's Tuesday.
Well, poop.
515
00:20:53,386 --> 00:20:56,187
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