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00:00:01,936 --> 00:00:04,803
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:08,107
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:11,677
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:14,680
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:18,183
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:21,520
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,122
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:24,957
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,959 --> 00:00:30,095
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:34,869 --> 00:00:38,137
TV ANNOUNCER:
We now return to Top Chef:
Looney Tunes Edition.
11
00:00:38,139 --> 00:00:41,006
Okay, Chef Fudd, I was a little
disappointed in you this week.
12
00:00:41,008 --> 00:00:42,708
Your dish was
just a live rabbit
13
00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:44,476
who thought
he was taking a bath.
14
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:46,311
But I used
carrots and celery.
15
00:00:46,313 --> 00:00:49,481
Yes. I saw he was scrubbing his
back with a long celery stalk.
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00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:51,016
Chef Sylvester,
on the other hand,
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00:00:51,018 --> 00:00:53,318
I'm happy to say
your sufferin' succotash
18
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:54,987
was absolutely delicious.
19
00:00:54,989 --> 00:00:56,321
(lisps):
Thanks.
20
00:00:56,323 --> 00:00:58,323
(phone rings)
Hello?
21
00:00:58,325 --> 00:00:59,558
Oh, hi, Bonnie.
22
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:00,859
No, I'm not doing anything.
23
00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:02,661
Just sitting here
with the baby.
24
00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:03,996
Yeah, screw you, too.
25
00:01:03,998 --> 00:01:05,831
Oh, hey, Bri.
Hey, you want to go out
26
00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:07,166
and get some
gluten-free pizza?
27
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:08,667
I'm gluten-free now.
But, you know,
28
00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:10,335
I'm not gonna be
annoying about it.
29
00:01:10,337 --> 00:01:12,504
Too late.
Oh, we should be
gluten-free together!
30
00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:15,174
Let's go to Whole Foods
and buy a bunch of stuff
31
00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:17,176
from that weird aisle
nobody else goes down.
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00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:19,344
I can't. I got plans.
I'll see you later.
33
00:01:19,346 --> 00:01:21,513
Oh, sure.
Maybe another time.
34
00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:24,016
Ugh. I didn't seem
too desperate, right?
35
00:01:24,018 --> 00:01:27,352
Don't answer. It's just that
Brian's been so distant lately,
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00:01:27,354 --> 00:01:30,689
and we used to be inseparable--
like Jack and Jill.
37
00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:32,858
Oh, so then Jack takes
these two pails of water
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00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:35,194
and trips and totally
falls down the hill.
39
00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:36,361
(laughter)
Ha, ha, ha.
40
00:01:36,363 --> 00:01:38,363
Yeah. Hey,
I got a funny story.
41
00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:40,532
Jill had a tooth fall out,
and she swallowed it,
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00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:43,068
and then we had to root
through her feces to find it.
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00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:45,437
And we did. And then
we took it to the dentist,
44
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:47,206
and he put it back
in her mouth.
45
00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:48,707
So I guess
we're both klutzes, huh?
46
00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:50,776
Why don't you spin
another tale, crap-tooth?
47
00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:52,377
No? My turn again?
48
00:01:52,379 --> 00:01:55,013
Okay. Jill's barren.
49
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,387
Good afternoon.
I'm Tom Tucker.
50
00:02:02,389 --> 00:02:05,724
Some sad news this morning
as 38 schoolchildren drowned
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00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:08,060
when their--
(yawning loudly)
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00:02:08,062 --> 00:02:10,963
excuse me-- when their
school bus hit a patch of ice
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00:02:10,965 --> 00:02:14,233
and drove off a loc--
(yawning)
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00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:16,135
(chuckles):
what is wrong with me today?--
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00:02:16,137 --> 00:02:17,736
and drove off a local bridge.
56
00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:19,571
And now the viral video
of the week,
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00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:21,073
with over seven million views.
58
00:02:21,075 --> 00:02:23,108
For those of you
who loved "Screaming Sheep,"
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00:02:23,110 --> 00:02:25,310
we've got "Opera Penguin."
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00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:28,313
(off-key tenor voice):
♪ La, ah, ah, ah. ♪
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00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:31,416
TUCKER:
Is... is that it?
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00:02:31,418 --> 00:02:33,819
Is he gonna do it again? No?
63
00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:36,822
Okay, so justnormal penguin stuff now.
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00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:38,657
Okay, cut back to me.
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00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:40,926
Uh, y-you can't?The button broke off?
66
00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:42,928
All right, well, a U.S. convoy
67
00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:44,930
was ambushed in Kabulthis morning, so now
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00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:47,432
we're going to have a momentof silence in remembrance...
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00:02:47,434 --> 00:02:49,334
PENGUIN (loudly):
♪ La... ♪
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00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:51,436
TUCKER:
Oh, he does do it again.
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00:02:51,438 --> 00:02:53,939
That could be my favorite
thing I ever seen.
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00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:56,608
What is a penguin?
Is it some kind of bug?
73
00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:59,011
What? You serious?
So it is a bug?
74
00:02:59,013 --> 00:03:01,013
Hey, you know, that's
what we ought to do.
75
00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:02,447
We ought to make
a viral video.
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00:03:02,449 --> 00:03:03,949
All right!
Awesome!
Let's do it!
77
00:03:03,951 --> 00:03:06,318
Oh, wait, I don't know if
you're gonna be in it, Joe.
78
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,619
I thought, while we filmed,
79
00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:10,022
we'd just keep all of
our stuff on your lap.
80
00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,459
What the hell
are you doing?
81
00:03:14,461 --> 00:03:17,462
I saw a scary boy doing this,
and I thought I'd try it.
82
00:03:17,464 --> 00:03:18,463
All right, have fun.
83
00:03:18,465 --> 00:03:19,498
I'm late.
Late?
84
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,633
But I thought you and I
could hang out
85
00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:23,135
and maybe watch Lois
shush Peter
86
00:03:23,137 --> 00:03:24,636
while they watch Nashville.
87
00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:27,039
Maybe another
time, Stewie.
88
00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:28,307
There he goes again.
89
00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:29,675
He's being so standoffish.
90
00:03:29,677 --> 00:03:31,210
I don't understand.
91
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,817
Oh, we used to be that happy.
92
00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:40,485
Wait a minute--
Joe and Bonnie
93
00:03:40,487 --> 00:03:42,187
never used
to spend time together
94
00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:43,655
until they had Susie.
95
00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:46,658
Having a baby seems
to have made them closer.
96
00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:49,561
Babies save relationships!
97
00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:52,998
Oh, look at you--
you're flyin'!
98
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:54,499
Okay, thanks, Bonnie.
99
00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:56,501
Next I want
to ride a bike.
100
00:03:56,503 --> 00:03:58,503
That's it, Rupert!
That's how Brian and I
101
00:03:58,505 --> 00:04:00,205
are going to improve
our relationship.
102
00:04:00,207 --> 00:04:01,707
We're going to have a baby!
103
00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:03,575
I say, this is my best idea
104
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,811
since I robbed
a Joseph A. Bank.
105
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:09,348
Three suits for 99 bucks?!
106
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:11,750
Take me to jail!
107
00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:17,256
All right,
I want tonight to be perfect.
108
00:04:17,258 --> 00:04:19,258
I'm gonna lay it all out
for Brian
109
00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:21,093
why we should have
a baby together.
110
00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:23,528
I don't know, I haven't
even thought about that.
111
00:04:23,530 --> 00:04:25,197
Why are you so obsessed
with circumcision?
112
00:04:25,199 --> 00:04:27,532
Oh, hey, look, you made
a little dinner party.
113
00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:29,534
Hi, Rupert.
He won't be
joining us.
114
00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:30,869
Get up!
115
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:32,404
Please, sit.
116
00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:34,039
You, uh... you okay?
117
00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:36,708
I'm terrific. And that is
so sweet of you to ask.
118
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:40,212
You really are a natural
caregiver, aren't you?
119
00:04:40,214 --> 00:04:41,580
Mm. Mm.
120
00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:43,582
Do you mind not texting?
121
00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:45,617
Sorry, sorry.
Just finishing right now.
122
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:46,718
Almost done.
123
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,420
There, all finished
124
00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:50,889
riiiight...
125
00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,724
now.
126
00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,092
Thhhhere.
127
00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:56,128
Thanks. So, I wanted
to talk to you about...
128
00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:59,398
A-Are you just gonna
leave it on the table?
I-I won't look at it.
129
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,767
(phone buzzes)
Great. So, I wanted to...
You're looking at it.
130
00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:03,268
Sorry. Work.
It's not work.
131
00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:05,237
It'll just take a second.
I-I normally wouldn't do this,
132
00:05:05,239 --> 00:05:07,439
but I was already kind of
in the middle of something,
133
00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:08,940
and I just need
to quickly respond,
134
00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:10,776
and there I am
135
00:05:10,778 --> 00:05:12,844
finiiished.
136
00:05:14,248 --> 00:05:15,747
(chuckles)
Ah, yeah.
137
00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:18,250
Okay, just
a few more worrrds...
138
00:05:18,252 --> 00:05:20,252
annnd...
139
00:05:20,254 --> 00:05:21,420
done.
140
00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:22,921
Sorry.
Okay, so...
141
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:25,090
(phone buzzes)
Nah, nah, I'm
not gonna get it.
142
00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:27,259
Then maybe we can
take it off the table.
143
00:05:27,261 --> 00:05:28,460
No, no, just keep going.
144
00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:29,594
(sighs)
145
00:05:29,596 --> 00:05:31,430
I was thinking,
we should talk
146
00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:33,265
(phone buzzes)
about having a...
147
00:05:33,267 --> 00:05:36,101
This isn't fun for me,
watching you text.
148
00:05:36,103 --> 00:05:38,337
No, no, this is great.
Mm, mm, mm. Yum.
149
00:05:38,339 --> 00:05:41,106
But I-I got to go.
I have a date.
150
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:43,108
This is serious, Rupert.
I'm losing him.
151
00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:44,943
If we're going to fix
this relationship,
152
00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:48,013
we need a baby
and we need it now.
153
00:05:51,285 --> 00:05:53,785
I'm just going to take
a little bit of his DNA,
154
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:57,956
and soon we'll be proud parents,
like Ron Livingston's parents.
155
00:05:57,958 --> 00:05:59,524
You know,
our son's a famous actor.
156
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:00,792
Really?
What's his name?
157
00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:02,794
(sighs):
Oh, um...
158
00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,129
he's, uh...
159
00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:06,631
he was, like, the main guy
in Office Space.
160
00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:08,300
Yeah. What else?
161
00:06:08,302 --> 00:06:10,135
Uh... he has dark hair...
162
00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:12,371
I don't know,
was he in Black Hawk Down?
163
00:06:12,373 --> 00:06:15,374
Uh, he was in, like, at least
five Sex "in" the Citys.
164
00:06:15,376 --> 00:06:18,009
(groans) What is his name?
What is his name?
165
00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:20,312
Is your son
Ron Livingston?
166
00:06:20,314 --> 00:06:22,314
Yes!
Oh, God!
Thank God!
167
00:06:22,316 --> 00:06:24,483
Ron Livingston!
Thank you!
168
00:06:24,485 --> 00:06:26,885
That has been bugging me
all day.
169
00:06:30,157 --> 00:06:32,524
Okay, let's see.
Now, what are the ingredients
170
00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:35,160
to a viral Internet video?
171
00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:37,496
Cats.
Yes, cats. Good.
172
00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:39,998
Uh, uh, people reacting
to watching gross stuff.
173
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,334
Oh, yeah, 'cause they're like,
"Rah! That's gross!"
174
00:06:42,336 --> 00:06:44,669
Can I get a soda?
What? No.
175
00:06:44,671 --> 00:06:47,239
Th-This is, like, the worst time
to ask for a soda.
176
00:06:47,241 --> 00:06:50,175
Unbelievable.
You know what, we should
just go out and start filming.
177
00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:52,344
'Cause I think we're
really gonna surprise everyone.
178
00:06:52,346 --> 00:06:55,180
Like Buster Keaton did
in his first talking picture.
179
00:06:55,182 --> 00:06:56,748
♪ ♪
Here we go.
180
00:06:56,750 --> 00:07:00,218
I'm moving through the scene
and I slam the door.
181
00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:02,687
Oh, no!
I slammed it too hard,
182
00:07:02,689 --> 00:07:06,191
and the house
is gonna squash me!
183
00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:08,593
Oh, it turned out
that window was there.
184
00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:11,263
Pause for laugh and amazement.
185
00:07:15,702 --> 00:07:17,402
All right, Rupert,
186
00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:19,404
the fertilization device
is complete.
187
00:07:19,406 --> 00:07:21,540
This will impregnate me
with the child
188
00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:24,709
that will bring Brian and me
back together!
189
00:07:24,711 --> 00:07:26,878
First, I add
Brian's hair and saliva,
190
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,580
and some preschool applications,
191
00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:31,049
because we are
already way behind.
192
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:33,552
There. Now I just have
to get into the machine,
193
00:07:33,554 --> 00:07:36,555
and then the machine does
whatever it has to do to me
194
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:38,390
in order to successfully
impregnate me.
195
00:07:38,392 --> 00:07:41,960
We do not judge the machine.
We do not judge Stewie.
196
00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:46,264
(groans)
Good-bye, body.
197
00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:48,567
You're gonna watch me
get pregnant.
198
00:07:48,569 --> 00:07:51,636
I want to look at you
when it happens.
199
00:07:52,573 --> 00:07:54,739
Yeah, you watch me,
bitch.
200
00:07:54,741 --> 00:07:57,642
(whirring)
201
00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:04,316
(clanking)
202
00:08:04,318 --> 00:08:06,585
(whirring)
203
00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:08,653
(burbling)
204
00:08:09,423 --> 00:08:12,157
(whooshing)
205
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,925
(burbling)
206
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:15,560
(electrical buzzing)
207
00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:19,931
(rumbling, clanking, buzzing)
208
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,066
(zapping)
209
00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:26,771
Good morning, Brian.
210
00:08:26,773 --> 00:08:28,440
(sniffing)
What is that?
211
00:08:28,442 --> 00:08:31,343
I smell pee.
Yes, you do, Brian.
212
00:08:34,448 --> 00:08:36,114
Oh, my God, that
thing's positive!
213
00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:38,783
Is Lois pregnant again?
No...
214
00:08:38,785 --> 00:08:40,452
Meg is pregnant?
215
00:08:40,454 --> 00:08:42,020
You're getting warmer.
216
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,289
(clearing throat)
217
00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:46,791
Wha... What have you done?
218
00:08:46,793 --> 00:08:48,960
I think you mean,
what have we done?
219
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,128
What?!
220
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:52,297
Brian... we're pregnant!
221
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,533
Oh, my God!
(crying):
And in 18 years,
222
00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:56,535
he's going
to move away!
223
00:09:02,809 --> 00:09:04,709
You're pregnant
with our baby?!
224
00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:06,311
How could this
even happen?!
225
00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:08,980
Simple. I took your DNA
and inserted it
226
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:12,150
into my temporary uterus
through my fertilization device.
227
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:13,485
Oh, my God,
you're serious!
228
00:09:13,487 --> 00:09:16,154
People are gonna think I
had sex with a male baby
229
00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:17,556
and then got him pregnant!
230
00:09:17,558 --> 00:09:19,991
Oh, thank you for finding a way
to make it sound horrible.
231
00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:21,359
We can't have
a baby, Stewie!
232
00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:23,828
Is this about money?
Because I have a bit saved.
233
00:09:23,830 --> 00:09:25,530
We could even use
my old crib.
234
00:09:25,532 --> 00:09:27,232
You use your old crib!
Oh, right.
235
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:29,067
Stewie, you have
to get rid of it.
236
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,736
"Get rid of it"?
You know, why don't
you just say it?
237
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,071
Say the word, Brian.
238
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,674
I want to hear you say it.
Abortion!
Abortion!
239
00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:38,343
You need to get a big fat
abortion right this second!
240
00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:39,844
You can't even say it.
241
00:09:39,846 --> 00:09:41,246
I think I'm
gonna throw up.
242
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:42,681
Oh, save the cheap theatrics.
243
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,583
This isn't one of your
crappy short stories.
244
00:09:44,585 --> 00:09:46,851
This is real life,
mister, so man up!
245
00:09:46,853 --> 00:09:48,687
You are getting an
abortion, Stewie.
246
00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:51,256
I will not! Our child
is growing inside me!
247
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:52,857
Stop talking like that!
248
00:09:52,859 --> 00:09:55,026
A-And how do you
even know it's mine?
249
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:56,695
How dare you!
250
00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:58,196
So I'm just some slut?!
251
00:09:58,198 --> 00:10:00,198
Well, this slut
is having your baby!
252
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,766
Why would you
even do this?
253
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:03,034
I thought
you'd be happy.
254
00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:05,036
I mean, you have
all these amazing qualities,
255
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,605
and I'm kind of
good-looking.
256
00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:08,273
I mean,
I'm no model, but...
257
00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:10,041
Well, certainly
not a runway model.
258
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:12,043
I'd-I'd be more
catalogue, probably.
259
00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:14,079
You know what?
Why not a runway model?
260
00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:15,914
Why not? Why am I
always apologizing
261
00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:18,083
for how good-looking I am?
I'm sick of it.
262
00:10:18,085 --> 00:10:20,885
I can model in Paris.
We could take the baby with us.
263
00:10:20,887 --> 00:10:23,254
We could be
that kind of family.
What do you think?
264
00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:25,090
(thump)
(grunts)
Is it dead?
265
00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:26,458
You hit me!
266
00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:29,427
What kind of monster
hits a pregnant toddler!
267
00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:33,565
If you ever lay
a finger on me again,
I'll burn you in your bed.
268
00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:36,167
Could... could you
do that now, please?
269
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:41,906
All right, Peter,
get the camera ready.
270
00:10:41,908 --> 00:10:43,408
I got a viral
Internet video
271
00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:46,645
that's gonna go straight
to the top of the charts.
272
00:10:46,647 --> 00:10:48,113
Hi, I'm Joe Swanson,
273
00:10:48,115 --> 00:10:50,982
and this is 30 impressions
in 30 seconds.
274
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:52,584
(with same voice):
"Show me the money."
275
00:10:52,586 --> 00:10:53,585
"Oh, behave."
276
00:10:53,587 --> 00:10:55,453
"Good morning, Vietnam."
277
00:10:55,455 --> 00:10:58,256
"Wait until they get a load
of me," said the Joker.
278
00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,992
Some of these I'm paraphrasing.
279
00:11:04,598 --> 00:11:06,665
Hey, I need you to
take me to the doctor
280
00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:08,433
for my prenatal
vitamins.
281
00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:09,768
I'm not taking you anywhere.
282
00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:11,302
Geez, how far along are you?
283
00:11:11,304 --> 00:11:13,772
I'm not really sure.
Two days, six months...
284
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:15,807
there's a certain amount of
guesswork involved in this.
285
00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:17,942
Oh, and while I'm pregnant,
I'm going to need you
286
00:11:17,944 --> 00:11:19,944
to change the cat litter.
We don't have a cat.
287
00:11:19,946 --> 00:11:22,280
Ugh. Please don't
fight me on this.
288
00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:24,282
Oh, my back is killing me.
289
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:26,618
And I've also been
experiencing a little...
290
00:11:26,620 --> 00:11:28,620
morning sickness.
291
00:11:28,622 --> 00:11:31,723
It's for the baby,
it's for the baby.
292
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:36,995
You look ridiculous
like that.
293
00:11:36,997 --> 00:11:39,297
Not too ridiculous for you
to put a baby in me.
294
00:11:39,299 --> 00:11:41,633
Okay, Raylene,
I'm Dr. Hartman.
295
00:11:41,635 --> 00:11:43,301
Now, before we begin,
I want you to know
296
00:11:43,303 --> 00:11:44,969
the record is just
past my watch.
297
00:11:44,971 --> 00:11:47,639
(high-pitched):
Well, it takes two people
to break a record.
298
00:11:47,641 --> 00:11:49,641
You look a little young.
How old are you?
299
00:11:49,643 --> 00:11:52,343
Uh, 13? 14?
300
00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:55,513
15. B-But he didn't force
himself on me.
301
00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:57,048
I wanted it, too.
302
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,983
Well, that's
the important thing.
303
00:11:58,985 --> 00:12:00,385
That's odd.
304
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:03,154
Your vagina seems to have
a penis and two testicles.
305
00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:04,823
Oh, right. I, uh...
306
00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:07,192
sneezed real hard
and all that came out.
307
00:12:07,194 --> 00:12:08,526
Ah, that explains it.
308
00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:10,395
Could you do that thing
where you take some fluid
309
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:13,198
and tell me if it's going
to be an imbecile or a cretin?
310
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,666
Oh, not to worry,
there are places
311
00:12:14,668 --> 00:12:16,334
where those people
can be warehoused.
312
00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:18,002
But from strictly
eyeballing you,
313
00:12:18,004 --> 00:12:19,204
I'd say everything
looks fine.
314
00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:21,005
Oh, that's wonderful.
315
00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:23,675
Now, Brian, did you have
any questions for the doctor?
316
00:12:23,677 --> 00:12:26,578
Yeah. Are there a lot of
stairs in this building?
317
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:31,015
God, we need so much stuff.
318
00:12:31,017 --> 00:12:33,685
Look at how tiny all these
clothes are. It's so adorable.
319
00:12:33,687 --> 00:12:35,920
I mean, what kind of feet
can fit into these shoes?
320
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:36,921
Your feet!
321
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:38,256
That's getting old, you know.
322
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,258
You better get on
board with this.
323
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,360
Aw, how far along are you?
324
00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:44,596
Eight months.
You look amazing.
325
00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:47,365
Let me ask you, are you leaking?
Because I've been leaking.
326
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:48,700
How old are you?
327
00:12:48,702 --> 00:12:50,869
How old are you?
You look like you're 40,
328
00:12:50,871 --> 00:12:53,538
which means whatever you've got
in there is 100% brain-damaged.
329
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,206
All right,
you have a good day.
330
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:57,142
I hated that lady.
331
00:13:01,548 --> 00:13:04,215
I like these.
These are good. Very classy.
332
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:05,884
This feels
incredibly wrong.
333
00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:08,419
Oh, we're going to want these,
Brian, believe me.
334
00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:10,221
You can't see
my nipples, can you?
335
00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:11,556
They're getting really large,
336
00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:13,558
and I'm not sure
if I'm completely covering them.
337
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:16,060
Eh, you know what?
We'll see what we see.
338
00:13:16,062 --> 00:13:17,262
Let's get a few candids.
339
00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:19,898
Dad, can I get one of your head
on the belly?
340
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:23,735
Oh, "Dad."
I just got emotional.
341
00:13:23,737 --> 00:13:26,137
♪ Having my baby ♪
342
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:28,573
♪ I'm a woman in love ♪
343
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:32,076
♪ And I love
what's goin' through me ♪
344
00:13:32,078 --> 00:13:34,145
♪ Having my baby ♪
345
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:36,414
♪ Having my baby ♪
346
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:40,485
♪ It's another way
of sayin' how much I love you ♪
347
00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:42,821
♪ I love you ♪
348
00:13:42,823 --> 00:13:43,822
♪ Having my baby ♪
349
00:13:43,824 --> 00:13:46,157
♪ Having my baby ♪
350
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:51,663
Okay, now people really love
that viral video
351
00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:54,799
of a monkey forcin' that sex act
on a frog at the zoo.
352
00:13:54,801 --> 00:13:57,468
So maybe we can find another
frog for somethin' like that.
353
00:13:57,470 --> 00:13:59,137
You mean like that frog?
Who?
354
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:00,605
That frog in
the miniskirt
355
00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:02,841
putting a quarter
in the jukebox.
356
00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:05,176
♪ Shot through the heart ♪
357
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,512
♪ And you're to blame ♪
358
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:11,115
♪ You give love a bad name ♪
♪ Bad name ♪
359
00:14:11,117 --> 00:14:12,617
♪ I play my part ♪
360
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,619
♪ And you play your game ♪
Bingo.
361
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:18,957
♪ You give love a bad name ♪
♪ Bad name ♪
362
00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:22,126
♪ You give love... ♪
363
00:14:22,128 --> 00:14:25,930
I'm concerned that frog's in
more trouble than she realizes.
364
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:30,468
I'm having such a craving
for burgers.
365
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:32,470
It's like my body is
just craving red meat.
366
00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:35,139
And mint chip ice cream.
But only mint chip.
367
00:14:35,141 --> 00:14:36,975
Any other ice cream
makes me want to puke.
368
00:14:36,977 --> 00:14:38,877
Isn't that weird?
Yes, Stewie,
369
00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:41,012
that's the one weird thing
in all this.
370
00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:43,348
What are you looking at?
Go push your buttons.
371
00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:44,682
My husband'll kick your ass.
372
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:46,651
Stop saying
I'm your husband.
373
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:49,554
(moans) Brian, I need you to
take me to the hospital.
374
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:50,889
Why?
375
00:14:50,891 --> 00:14:52,891
My water just broke.
Oh, my God!
376
00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:55,026
It's okay. Don't panic.
Call the doula.
377
00:14:55,028 --> 00:14:56,661
Brian, you've got
to call the doula!
378
00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:58,663
Doula? I-I don't
even know what that is!
379
00:14:58,665 --> 00:15:00,698
It's a divorced woman who
knows about lady parts
380
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,901
and cheers you on.
Let's go!
381
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:04,602
(tires screeching)
382
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,741
(moaning) You're gonna have
to drive a little faster!
383
00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:11,409
I'm already going
over the speed limit.
384
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,678
Too late! Pull over!
It's starting to come out!
385
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:16,347
Of where?
I'm not sure exactly.
386
00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:17,849
(tires screech)
387
00:15:17,851 --> 00:15:20,385
Brian, I'm going to need you
to deliver the baby.
388
00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:23,254
Uh, uh, o-okay, c-can you wait a
second while I put a towel down?
389
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,690
I don't want anything
to get on the seats.
Oh, no, of course.
390
00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:28,026
Our first priority should be
to keep the vinyl clean.
391
00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:30,528
Oh, God. Oh, God,
it's coming! Oh...
392
00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:31,863
Can you see the head?
393
00:15:31,865 --> 00:15:33,031
I don't know
where to look!
394
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:34,532
Well, maybe you should look
at the part of me
395
00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:35,733
where there's
a baby coming out!
396
00:15:35,735 --> 00:15:37,402
(moaning)
397
00:15:37,404 --> 00:15:40,071
How did Murphy Brown
make this look so easy?!
398
00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:41,439
Careful, don't get
anything on the...
399
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,774
...seats.
400
00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:45,043
STEWIE: Oh, God,
I think another one's coming!
401
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:47,545
BRIAN: I don't see it!
STEWIE: I think
it's coming out of my mouth!
402
00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:49,781
(moaning)
There's more!
403
00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:51,382
And they're coming out
of everywhere!
404
00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:54,052
Ah! Kill me!
This hurts too much!
405
00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:56,054
BRIAN: Holy (bleep)!
What is happening?!
406
00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:58,056
STEWIE: I don't know!
Brian, save the placenta.
407
00:15:58,058 --> 00:15:59,590
BRIAN:
Do you even have a placenta?
408
00:15:59,592 --> 00:16:01,726
STEWIE: Well, whatever comes
out, save it. I want to eat it.
409
00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:03,461
BRIAN: Oh, God,
they're crawling all over me!
410
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:04,629
STEWIE:
How many are there now?
411
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,965
BRIAN:
Four, five, six, seven.
412
00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:09,033
Mazel tov!
413
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:18,643
(barking, squeaking, cooing)
414
00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:29,253
I just put Jack and
Rose down for their nap.
415
00:16:29,255 --> 00:16:31,756
And I'm trying to keep the more
attractive ones in this area.
416
00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:33,091
This is a nightmare.
417
00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:35,093
Oh, I caught two of them
trying to eat each other,
418
00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:37,428
so that's something we
need to watch out for.
419
00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:40,064
Look, Bri, that one
looks just like you.
420
00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:43,935
Huh. Well, you know what?
I guess he does.
421
00:16:43,937 --> 00:16:45,770
You know, I was
actually thinking,
422
00:16:45,772 --> 00:16:48,606
this could be a chance for you
to finally make things right.
423
00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:50,108
What? What do you mean?
424
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:52,810
Well, you do have a son
that you were never there for.
425
00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:54,946
This is your opportunity
to do things differently.
426
00:16:54,948 --> 00:16:57,281
Wow. Maybe you're right.
427
00:16:57,283 --> 00:17:01,119
I suppose I could give it a try.
428
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:01,986
There you go.
429
00:17:01,988 --> 00:17:03,955
Aw, Dick really
likes you.
430
00:17:03,957 --> 00:17:04,956
I like Dick.
431
00:17:04,958 --> 00:17:06,290
(chuckles)
You like Dick!
432
00:17:06,292 --> 00:17:09,560
His name's not Dick,
you idiot. It's Finn.
433
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:14,799
All right, let's check
our YouTube channel
434
00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:16,467
and see how we're doing.
435
00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:19,137
Boy, they just went right
after Cleveland, didn't they?
436
00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:21,806
Geez, that word looks even
harsher when it's in all caps.
437
00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:24,709
Wow, people really seem to hate
everything we put on here.
438
00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:27,045
That sucks.
And I worked really hard
439
00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:29,480
on taking a picture of myself
every day for a year
440
00:17:29,482 --> 00:17:31,816
and then setting the photos
to an emotional song.
441
00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:33,484
Look.
442
00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:36,821
♪ Hey there, Delilah, what's
it like in New York City? ♪
443
00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:38,890
♪ I'm a thousand miles away ♪
444
00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:41,392
♪ But, girl,
tonight you look so pretty ♪
445
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:44,729
♪ Yes, you do ♪
446
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:48,066
♪ Times Square can't shine
as bright as you ♪
447
00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:51,903
♪ I swear it's true ♪
448
00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:55,807
Yeah, so we're, uh, thinking
about selling the house.
449
00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:01,245
(barking, crying)
450
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:06,084
Hey, stop squirming in there.
451
00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:09,687
This one's bones all feel loose.
452
00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:11,189
And I think that one is blind.
453
00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:13,024
We'll have
to get him little sunglasses.
454
00:18:13,026 --> 00:18:15,193
Great, because
dog-head/human-ears over here
455
00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:16,861
doesn't react to
anything I say.
456
00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:19,063
Hey! Hey, you!
457
00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:20,731
Okay, this one is deaf.
458
00:18:20,733 --> 00:18:23,201
We are going to be spending
a fortune on schools.
459
00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:25,403
How are we gonna
pay for that?
Well, you tell me.
460
00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:27,738
You're the one who insisted
I be a stay-at-home mom.
461
00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:28,940
I don't even have a job.
462
00:18:28,942 --> 00:18:30,208
Well, you better
get one.
463
00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:32,543
And not "writing."
A real job.
464
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:34,278
Why are you being
such a jerk?
465
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,214
I don't know.
I'm sorry. I just...
466
00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:38,616
I just feel like
once I get them on a schedule,
467
00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:40,685
everything will be fine.
468
00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:48,926
I can't believe we couldn't
come up with a viral video.
469
00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:51,562
We should've just gotten Jimmy
Fallon to do any lame thing.
470
00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:53,231
(news theme plays)
471
00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:56,234
Coming up, a white waiter
at a Chinese restaurant?
472
00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:58,269
We'll get you the facts
on this bizarre story.
473
00:18:58,271 --> 00:19:00,238
But first,
this week's viral video,
474
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,807
"Fat Kid Hustles
Through Crosswalk."
475
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:06,310
Here it is. Here's littleChubbo pulling up the rear.
476
00:19:07,447 --> 00:19:09,714
Oh, he's got to get moving now.
477
00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:18,723
That's right. Don't let yourchocolate levels get too low.
478
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,330
I can't believe
Chris gets four million hits
479
00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:27,665
just crossing the street.
480
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:29,667
I guess we were
trying too hard.
481
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:32,003
Hey, I went by your house
the other day.
482
00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:33,604
Is your baby pregnant?
483
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:36,340
I don't know. Lois is
in charge of the kids.
484
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:41,846
(thumping)
485
00:19:44,117 --> 00:19:45,616
Stewie, this is awful.
486
00:19:45,618 --> 00:19:47,485
I don't know why anyone
would want to be a parent,
487
00:19:47,487 --> 00:19:49,153
especially
to four children.
488
00:19:49,155 --> 00:19:51,155
Four? I thought
we were down to five.
489
00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:53,324
Yeah, the deaf one
didn't hear Joe's lawnmower.
490
00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:55,126
Oh. That's really upsetting.
491
00:19:55,128 --> 00:19:56,527
I-I can't take this
anymore, Stewie.
492
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:58,129
I-I'm sorry. I got
to get out of here.
493
00:19:58,131 --> 00:19:59,463
What? Where are you going?
494
00:19:59,465 --> 00:20:00,798
Stop doing that!
495
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,133
I need a break,
all right?
496
00:20:02,135 --> 00:20:04,135
I-I j... I just got
to get away for a couple weeks.
497
00:20:04,137 --> 00:20:05,369
A couple weeks?
498
00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:07,338
Y-You're not leaving me
alone with these things.
499
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:10,007
The whole point of this was for
us to spend more time together.
500
00:20:10,009 --> 00:20:12,376
Wait, what are you talking
about? The whole point of what?
501
00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:14,378
Well, you've been so distant
lately.
502
00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:17,381
I thought if we had a baby it
would bring us closer together.
503
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:19,050
What? I was only distant
504
00:20:19,052 --> 00:20:20,818
because you've been so moody
lately.
505
00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:22,320
I thought you needed more space.
506
00:20:22,322 --> 00:20:23,988
I always want
to hang out with you.
507
00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:25,990
Well, I was only moody
because you were so distant!
508
00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:27,992
I always want
to hang out with you, too!
509
00:20:27,994 --> 00:20:29,760
Oh, my God.
510
00:20:30,997 --> 00:20:33,664
So we didn't have
to do any of this.
511
00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:36,167
I-I guess not.
512
00:20:36,169 --> 00:20:37,702
How attached to them are you?
513
00:20:37,704 --> 00:20:39,637
Not at all.
Yeah, me either.
514
00:20:42,508 --> 00:20:44,008
This is for the best.
515
00:20:44,010 --> 00:20:45,710
Yeah, I mean, I'm sure
they'll be adopted.
516
00:20:45,712 --> 00:20:47,378
Oh, God, yeah.
517
00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:49,847
I'm still keeping all the gifts
from the baby shower.
518
00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:51,849
You had a baby shower?
519
00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:53,517
Oh!
(chuckles)
520
00:20:53,519 --> 00:20:55,686
Now this makes it real!
(chuckles)
521
00:20:55,688 --> 00:20:58,256
Oh, my goodness. That's enough
cake for you, Mary Beth.
522
00:20:58,258 --> 00:21:00,324
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