All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S13E11.Encyclopedia.Griffin.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-CtrlHD

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish Download
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:04,436 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:07,639 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,641 --> 00:00:11,310 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,312 --> 00:00:14,313 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,315 --> 00:00:17,950 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,952 --> 00:00:21,153 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:22,821 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:24,123 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:30,029 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:36,168 ANNOUNCER: We now return to Hard Knocks CFL: 11 00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:38,837 Training Camp with the Toronto Argonauts. 12 00:00:38,839 --> 00:00:39,972 I hope you make it. 13 00:00:39,974 --> 00:00:41,140 You're real good. 14 00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:42,674 No way, not as good as you. 15 00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:43,809 I hope you make it. 16 00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:45,511 What're you gonna do with all your money? 17 00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:46,678 Oh, probably just save it. 18 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,047 Yeah, that's real smart. 19 00:00:48,049 --> 00:00:49,982 Well, back to my book. 20 00:00:49,984 --> 00:00:52,151 Peter, I was at the park with Stewie, 21 00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:54,153 and someone stole his tricycle. 22 00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:55,521 And during, like, the one second 23 00:00:55,523 --> 00:00:57,990 I was looking down at my phone and not at him. 24 00:00:57,992 --> 00:00:59,324 Stupid thief. 25 00:00:59,326 --> 00:01:01,827 It's got a vanity plate that won't even apply to him. 26 00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:02,995 Hey. 27 00:01:02,997 --> 00:01:04,997 You like your reggae watered down 28 00:01:04,999 --> 00:01:06,498 and acceptable at a wedding? 29 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:07,666 Hop on. 30 00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:10,369 Ugh, can't believe somebody stole Stewie's trike. 31 00:01:10,371 --> 00:01:12,704 I only had nine payments left on that thing. 32 00:01:12,706 --> 00:01:14,039 How much do you make? 33 00:01:14,041 --> 00:01:15,841 Don't worry, Lois, I'm gonna find that tricycle. 34 00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:19,178 I'll just have four to five beers to stop the shaking, 35 00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:21,080 and then I'll go outside. 36 00:01:25,019 --> 00:01:27,753 Huh, never seen that kid around the neighborhood. 37 00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:29,588 Maybe he's got something to do with it. 38 00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:31,023 Hey, kid. 39 00:01:31,025 --> 00:01:32,257 You know anything about a tricycle 40 00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:33,859 that just got stolen from the park? 41 00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:35,194 No, sir, I've been sitting here 42 00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:37,196 for the last three hours selling lemonade. 43 00:01:37,198 --> 00:01:38,764 Would you like an ice-cold glass? 44 00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:41,433 Why, sure. 45 00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:43,769 You couldn't have been here for three hours on this, 46 00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:45,037 the hottest day of the year, 47 00:01:45,039 --> 00:01:47,372 or the ice cubes in your pitcher would have melted. 48 00:01:47,374 --> 00:01:48,574 Ow... 49 00:01:48,575 --> 00:01:49,775 You have the right to remain silent. 50 00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:50,776 Anything you say... 51 00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:52,211 Peter, Peter! We can't arrest him. 52 00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:53,712 If anything, they can arrest you. 53 00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:55,714 Hey, here's the tricycle. 54 00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:57,049 You were right, Peter. 55 00:01:57,051 --> 00:01:58,550 This kid's a thief. 56 00:01:58,552 --> 00:01:59,551 We did it! 57 00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:00,552 Wow, look at us. 58 00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:02,721 Hey, you know, we make a great team, guys. 59 00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:04,223 Like Huey Lewis and the Jews. 60 00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:06,225 ♪ We don't need money... ♪ 61 00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:08,160 Sorry, the band's breaking up. 62 00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,231 Here you go, Stewie. 63 00:02:12,233 --> 00:02:13,732 Don't bother sniffing the seat. 64 00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:14,967 It don't smell like nothing. 65 00:02:14,969 --> 00:02:16,101 Oh, yeah, my trike. 66 00:02:16,103 --> 00:02:17,569 Eh, I'm kind of over that thing. 67 00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:21,740 Now I'm way into wooden beads you move along wires. 68 00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:22,975 Whoa... 69 00:02:22,977 --> 00:02:25,110 Oh, yeah... 70 00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:27,412 Boy, when you find a baby's tricycle, 71 00:02:27,414 --> 00:02:29,248 it feels like there's nothing you can't do. 72 00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:30,983 Man, I wish we could quit our jobs 73 00:02:30,985 --> 00:02:33,252 and solve children's crimes full-time. 74 00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:35,254 I heard you guys are good at solving cases. 75 00:02:35,256 --> 00:02:38,123 I'll give you 50 cents to find my lucky baseball card. 76 00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:40,459 Guys, we're in business. 77 00:02:40,461 --> 00:02:42,528 (celebrating) 78 00:02:42,529 --> 00:02:44,596 Oh, wait a minute, I didn't notice you have a pierced ear. 79 00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:45,764 We can't help you. 80 00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:47,099 You go home and tell your mother 81 00:02:47,101 --> 00:02:49,501 she's supposed to be a parent, not a friend. 82 00:02:54,008 --> 00:02:55,841 All right, guys, this'll be the headquarters 83 00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,843 for our new detective agency. 84 00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,645 This milk crate will be my chair, 85 00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:01,980 this overturned rain barrel will be my desk, 86 00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:03,649 and this DNA evidence centrifuge 87 00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:06,451 and fingerprint scanner will be my coatrack. 88 00:03:06,453 --> 00:03:08,287 Piece of junk. 89 00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:11,290 I guess all our detective agency needs now is a name. 90 00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:13,992 Well, we're detectives solving children's crimes. 91 00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:15,527 There's only one name that makes sense. 92 00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,296 "Dicks for Kids"? "Dicks for Kids." 93 00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:19,798 But wait, we want people to know we're grown-ups. 94 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,300 Okay, "Big Dicks For Kids." 95 00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:22,834 But we don't want to sound too old. 96 00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:25,470 They're gonna think we're a bunch of old, bald geezers. 97 00:03:25,472 --> 00:03:26,838 "Big Hairy Dicks for Kids." 98 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:30,275 How are we gonna let them know we're "veiny"? 99 00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:34,813 So, you say this gumball machine took your dime 100 00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:36,048 and didn't give you a gumball? 101 00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:37,049 That's right. 102 00:03:37,051 --> 00:03:38,350 Well, I'll take care of that. 103 00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:40,352 Hand over the dime, buddy. 104 00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:41,486 Come on, hand it over. 105 00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:42,988 Don't make this hard on yourself. 106 00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:44,189 Wait a minute. 107 00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:46,525 This gumball machine takes quarters, not dimes. 108 00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:47,826 (siren wails) 109 00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:49,027 Holy crap, it's a setup. 110 00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:50,729 Time to make a quick getaway. 111 00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:58,904 You were set up, too, huh? 112 00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,339 Yeah. 113 00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:04,610 You realize that kid is plowing both our wives right now. 114 00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:07,679 So what do we got today, boys? 115 00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:10,082 Well, it seems like we got a bit of a crime spree. 116 00:04:10,084 --> 00:04:12,084 Just this morning, we've had multiple reports 117 00:04:12,086 --> 00:04:13,418 of stolen items. 118 00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:16,888 Uh, couple marbles, ball of yarn, two Wiffle ball bats. 119 00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:21,426 Someday a rain'll come and wash all this scum off the streets. 120 00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:23,862 Guys, I think I got a lead on all these thefts. 121 00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:26,798 One of the kids had a nanny-cam hidden in his room. 122 00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:32,537 Come on, let's do it on your son's tiny bed. 123 00:04:32,539 --> 00:04:34,373 Hurry, he gets home at 3:00. 124 00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:35,874 Okay, it's later than this. 125 00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:37,709 Y-Yeah, f-fast-forward ahead. 126 00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:38,710 Forward. Forward. 127 00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:39,544 Keep forwarding. 128 00:04:39,546 --> 00:04:40,946 Is that woman gonna be okay? 129 00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:41,947 Yeah, yeah, she's fine. 130 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,382 We're having brunch after this. 131 00:04:43,384 --> 00:04:45,617 God, I look huge in that bed, don't I? 132 00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,386 You think other guys hang out 133 00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:50,389 and watch their friend's naked gyrating butt? 134 00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:53,392 It's been so long, I don't know what other friends do. 135 00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:55,560 Forwarding, forwarding, forwarding... 136 00:04:55,562 --> 00:04:56,728 And there we go. 137 00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:57,796 Our thief. 138 00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:02,234 (gasps) 139 00:05:02,236 --> 00:05:04,736 Chris Gaines was Garth Brooks. 140 00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:06,638 I just figured that out. 141 00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:11,576 Oh, my God, Chris stole all that stuff. 142 00:05:11,578 --> 00:05:13,145 No way, he wouldn't do that. 143 00:05:13,147 --> 00:05:14,413 Peter, Chris is on the tape. 144 00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:15,914 We got to search his bedroom. 145 00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:17,749 Fine, go ahead. 146 00:05:17,750 --> 00:05:19,583 But I'm telling you, it's gonna be a bigger waste of time 147 00:05:19,586 --> 00:05:21,720 than writing tough-guy dialogue for a Jet Li movie. 148 00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:26,658 (grunting) 149 00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:29,361 (grunting, bone cracking) 150 00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:33,799 This is your last warning. 151 00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:35,100 Give me back my wife. 152 00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:36,601 What? Excuse me? 153 00:05:36,603 --> 00:05:39,171 Give me back my wife, or you're in a lot of trouble. 154 00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:40,505 I'll kick all your faces. 155 00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:41,506 You got me? 156 00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,475 You're kind of undoing everything you just did 157 00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:44,609 when you kicked my ass. 158 00:05:44,611 --> 00:05:47,412 I know, but I have to say for audience. 159 00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:57,155 Chris still has an Aaron Hernandez poster up? 160 00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:58,857 That's not cool. 161 00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:02,127 See, there's nothing here. 162 00:06:02,129 --> 00:06:03,795 Just a weird life-sized lady doll 163 00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:05,931 made out of all the stuff that got stolen. 164 00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,001 CHRIS: No! 165 00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:11,136 Don't hurt Heather. 166 00:06:11,138 --> 00:06:12,337 Don't hurt my girlfriend. 167 00:06:12,339 --> 00:06:13,505 What the hell?! 168 00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:15,140 Chris made a sex doll?! 169 00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:17,142 Your kid's got a walk-in closet? 170 00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:19,378 Two of mine gotta sleep in the car. 171 00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:26,651 Chris is still in his room 172 00:06:26,653 --> 00:06:28,653 with that disgusting homemade sex doll. 173 00:06:28,655 --> 00:06:30,989 He actually thinks it's his girlfriend. 174 00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,357 I know, it's weird. 175 00:06:32,359 --> 00:06:35,560 It's even weirder than that secret level in Donkey Kong. 176 00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:02,454 ♪ ♪ 177 00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:50,569 Maybe it's our fault Chris has such a screwed-up idea 178 00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:52,571 about what a relationship is. 179 00:07:52,573 --> 00:07:53,905 I mean, let's be honest, 180 00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:55,907 we're not exactly the model of a healthy marriage. 181 00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:58,577 Oh, boy, is this 'cause of the time I pushed off of you 182 00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:00,111 after sex and bruised your boob? 183 00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:03,281 No, I-I mean, when was the last time you bought me flowers, 184 00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:05,150 or-or we had a date night? 185 00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:06,418 We do stuff. 186 00:08:06,420 --> 00:08:08,286 Just last week, I let you watch me complain 187 00:08:08,288 --> 00:08:10,155 after eating too many hot wings. 188 00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,423 Ugh! 189 00:08:11,425 --> 00:08:14,159 Why did you let me do this, Lois?! 190 00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,427 Why?! 191 00:08:15,429 --> 00:08:18,830 Okay, Peter, I got to take the kids to school now. 192 00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:24,436 Hey, Chris, 193 00:08:24,438 --> 00:08:26,438 your mother wanted me to talk to you. 194 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,440 Um, she doesn't think it's healthy for you 195 00:08:28,442 --> 00:08:30,842 to be spending all your time with a homemade sex doll. 196 00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:31,843 Sex doll? 197 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:32,944 I wish. 198 00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:35,146 Heather hasn't even let me get to second base. 199 00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:36,281 Wh... H-Hang on. 200 00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:37,516 What's second base? 201 00:08:37,518 --> 00:08:39,351 Is that touching one of the cabbages? 202 00:08:39,353 --> 00:08:40,852 Yeah. 203 00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:43,955 (groans) But I'm such a loser, she'll never let me do that. 204 00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:46,124 Come on, Chris, don't sell yourself short. 205 00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:48,827 You are every bit as good as that bag of garbage. 206 00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:49,961 You really think so? 207 00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:51,880 Sure, I do. 208 00:08:51,881 --> 00:08:53,798 And look, if you really want to learn how to bang that thing, 209 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,667 there's no better teacher than your old dad. 210 00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:57,969 After all, I'm the guy who taught old Asian people 211 00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,204 how to get on the subway. 212 00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:01,506 (scream approaching) 213 00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:03,008 Out of the way! 214 00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:05,010 Nobody else matters! 215 00:09:05,012 --> 00:09:06,177 All right, you made it. 216 00:09:06,179 --> 00:09:08,547 Now twirl that long hair sticking out of your face mole. 217 00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:11,182 And cough-- cough like you never coughed before. 218 00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:14,052 (coughing violently) 219 00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:20,492 Okay, Chris, now, women really dig those firemen calendars. 220 00:09:20,494 --> 00:09:22,727 So we're gonna go inside and get some sexy shots 221 00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,729 of you doing fireman stuff. 222 00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:27,499 ♪ Well, I'm hot blooded ♪ 223 00:09:27,501 --> 00:09:29,834 ♪ Check it and see ♪ 224 00:09:29,836 --> 00:09:34,005 ♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪ 225 00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:35,373 ♪ Come on, baby ♪ 226 00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:37,909 ♪ Do you do more than dance? ♪ 227 00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:41,246 ♪ I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded ♪ 228 00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:47,485 ♪ You don't have to read my mind... ♪ 229 00:09:49,523 --> 00:09:51,056 (sighs) Look, Heather. 230 00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:53,858 The truth is, I don't care if we never take it 231 00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:55,527 to the next level, physically. 232 00:09:55,529 --> 00:09:58,597 I just really like spending time with you. 233 00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:02,867 (chuckles) Wow. 234 00:10:02,869 --> 00:10:06,104 I'm gonna have to write to somebody about this. 235 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,038 "Dear Penthouse, 236 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,040 "I used to think these letters were fake 237 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:12,110 "until my taped-together, soccer-ball-headed girlfriend 238 00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,545 fell in my lap." 239 00:10:13,547 --> 00:10:16,147 Hey, do we still have a magazine? 240 00:10:21,555 --> 00:10:23,388 Good morning, everybody. 241 00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,557 I think Heather will be eating breakfast 242 00:10:25,559 --> 00:10:28,960 standing up this morning, if you know what I mean. 243 00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:31,630 Peter, I thought you were gonna take care of this. 244 00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:33,398 You were supposed to make Chris get rid of that doll. 245 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,400 I did take care of it. 246 00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:36,768 He slept with it, and now he'll slowly 247 00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,770 grow to hate it over the next 20 years. 248 00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:39,904 This is all your fault. 249 00:10:39,906 --> 00:10:41,740 You never listen to anything I say. 250 00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:43,274 Look, you told me to talk to him. 251 00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:44,309 I talked to him. 252 00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:45,944 And now you're nagging me about it? 253 00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:49,147 God, you're more annoying than a creative voice mail message. 254 00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:54,953 JOE: ♪ Joe is on a vacation far away ♪ 255 00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:58,923 ♪ You called him up to talk it over ♪ 256 00:10:58,925 --> 00:11:02,794 ♪ So many things that you want to say ♪ 257 00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:06,665 ♪ Leave your message when the beep is over ♪ 258 00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:09,000 ♪ I don't want to miss your call ♪ 259 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,069 ♪ Tonight ♪ 260 00:11:13,507 --> 00:11:17,475 ♪ I already missed your call tonight. ♪ 261 00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:19,477 (beeps) 262 00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:21,479 I... I can't remember 263 00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:23,748 who I called. 264 00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,453 Oh, Lois, thank God! 265 00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:31,189 Listen, I can't decide what I want for breakfast tomorrow. 266 00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,691 Can you make me a sample tray? 267 00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:33,792 You know what, Peter? 268 00:11:33,794 --> 00:11:34,993 I'm not talking to you right now. 269 00:11:34,995 --> 00:11:36,628 You screwed up bad with Chris. 270 00:11:36,630 --> 00:11:37,862 And you still haven't apologized 271 00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:39,497 for the way you treated me earlier. 272 00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:41,700 Aw, come on, Lois. I'll make it up to you. 273 00:11:41,702 --> 00:11:43,501 Maybe sooner than you know. 274 00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:45,036 (doorbell rings) 275 00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:48,139 Oh, Peter! 276 00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:49,541 They're beautiful! 277 00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,643 You're such a sweetheart. 278 00:11:51,645 --> 00:11:52,811 Read the card. 279 00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:55,146 "To Heather, from Chris"? 280 00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,882 Oh, I thought it might have a funny riddle on it. 281 00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:00,051 Oh, good, the flowers came! 282 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,520 We're just cocooning today because Heather said 283 00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:03,888 she's never seen TV. 284 00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:06,691 So, we're starting with season six of Becker. 285 00:12:06,693 --> 00:12:10,228 I'm just gonna be easing her in. 286 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,529 Lois, before you say anything. 287 00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:14,032 I also got you a gift. 288 00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:16,835 It's a Katherine Heigl mask for you to wear while we have sex. 289 00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:19,037 She's perfect, because she's only sort of hot, 290 00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:21,172 so there won't be this crazy disconnect of her face 291 00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:23,708 on your body, which would totally take me out of it. 292 00:12:23,710 --> 00:12:26,511 Also, it's designed so you can wear it on your butt. 293 00:12:26,513 --> 00:12:28,513 Heather, I made your favorite cookies. 294 00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:31,182 And now I want to hear all about your day. 295 00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:35,186 Hey, Lois, I heard Katherine Heigl likes to French kiss. 296 00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:37,222 Oh, my God! 297 00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:41,192 Chris treats that pile of junk better than Peter treats me! 298 00:12:41,194 --> 00:12:42,894 What's the matter, Lois? Need to get in the mood? 299 00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:46,598 How about a little help from Kenny G? 300 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,933 ♪ ♪ 301 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:03,448 I wonder if Cleveland's gonna want his sax back. 302 00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:11,723 Oh, hi, Chris. 303 00:13:11,725 --> 00:13:12,891 Where have you been? 304 00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,893 Heather and I went for a tandem bike ride. 305 00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:17,228 And then had lunch at a gastropube. 306 00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:18,563 Nope. 307 00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:19,898 Huh. Sounds like fun. 308 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,466 What have you guys been up to? 309 00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,569 Your father got a DVD of black people fighting in the street. 310 00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:25,904 It's not just in the street. 311 00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:27,972 Some of them are in private residences. 312 00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:30,942 Oh. Well, tomorrow, Heather and I are going to the park 313 00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:32,744 to picnic and fly kites. 314 00:13:32,746 --> 00:13:34,913 And on Saturday, she's hosting her book club, 315 00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,915 so I have to drop by, say something funny, 316 00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:38,917 and then stay upstairs. 317 00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:41,753 Wow, your plans sound very sweet and romantic, Chris. 318 00:13:41,755 --> 00:13:44,088 And how a man should treat his woman. 319 00:13:44,090 --> 00:13:45,657 Oh, Lois, your breath smells like eggs. 320 00:13:45,659 --> 00:13:48,593 Talk that way. 321 00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:50,762 Chris, when you go on your picnic tomorrow, 322 00:13:50,764 --> 00:13:53,498 c-can your father and I come with you? 323 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,600 Let me just ask Heather. 324 00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:57,836 I know, but I think we better. 325 00:13:57,838 --> 00:14:00,104 Apparently the cancer's already in his bones. 326 00:14:00,106 --> 00:14:02,907 What? We'd love to, sounds great! 327 00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:05,777 What are you doing? You can't let him 328 00:14:05,779 --> 00:14:07,111 keep thinking that doll is real. 329 00:14:07,113 --> 00:14:09,480 I know. But I just want Peter to see 330 00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:12,350 what a thoughtful man looks like for one afternoon. 331 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:13,852 Maybe he'll learn something. 332 00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:15,286 Are you sure about this? 333 00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:16,654 It seems pretty extreme. 334 00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:18,122 Well, I got to try something. 335 00:14:18,124 --> 00:14:19,858 Peter and I used to be so close. 336 00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:22,327 But now we're like apples and oranges. 337 00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:24,996 People say we're different, but we're really not that different. 338 00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:26,865 Mm-hmm, yeah, we both work in marketing. 339 00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:28,166 We've both lost children. 340 00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:30,301 We both own cars, but we like to take the bus. 341 00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:32,303 And we both cheat at Words With Friends. 342 00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:33,538 Oh, nice try! 343 00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:34,672 I certainly do not! 344 00:14:34,674 --> 00:14:36,641 And we're both gonna have a moderate time 345 00:14:36,643 --> 00:14:37,876 at the party tonight. 346 00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:39,677 And we're not gonna count each other's drinks. 347 00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:43,248 We won't have to because we won't be drinking. 348 00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:50,655 Wow, it sure is fun going on a picnic, isn't it, Peter? 349 00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:51,890 Yeah. Will you hold this beer bottle 350 00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:54,359 while I try to kick the top off it? 351 00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:55,493 Ow! Damn it! 352 00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:57,095 You moved it. 353 00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:01,165 ♪ Raindrops are falling on my head ♪ 354 00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:04,002 ♪ And just like the guy whose feet ♪ 355 00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:07,705 ♪ Are too big for his bed ♪ 356 00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:09,674 ♪ Nothing seems to fit ♪ 357 00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:12,510 ♪ Those raindrops are falling on my head ♪ 358 00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:15,680 ♪ They keep falling ♪ 359 00:15:15,682 --> 00:15:19,350 ♪ Because I'm free ♪ 360 00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:23,021 ♪ Nothing's worrying ♪ 361 00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:26,090 ♪ Me. ♪ 362 00:15:27,861 --> 00:15:28,927 Close your eyes, Heather. 363 00:15:28,929 --> 00:15:30,929 I've got a surprise for you. 364 00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:34,032 None of your business how much it was. 365 00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:35,700 He bought her a scarf. 366 00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:37,368 And it actually goes well with her colors. 367 00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:39,704 Peter, don't you see what's going on here?! 368 00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:41,706 Your son's relationship with that doll 369 00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:43,608 is better than our own marriage! 370 00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,276 Peter? 371 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:48,746 Hey, can me and Ramon go ride shirtless bikes? 372 00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,281 (sighs) 373 00:16:00,927 --> 00:16:02,961 (hinges creaking) 374 00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:13,805 (screams) 375 00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:15,573 My morning scream. 376 00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:16,774 (sighs) 377 00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:17,942 (screams) 378 00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:19,911 Heather's gone! 379 00:16:19,913 --> 00:16:21,913 Mom! Heather's disappeared! 380 00:16:21,915 --> 00:16:23,147 Have you seen her?! 381 00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:24,916 No, I haven't, sweetheart. 382 00:16:24,918 --> 00:16:26,084 B-But you know what? 383 00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:28,786 Sometimes relationships run their course 384 00:16:28,788 --> 00:16:30,755 and come to a natural end. 385 00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:33,424 This could be a sign that it's time to move on. 386 00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:35,994 Aw, and I just helped him pick out that scarf. 387 00:16:35,996 --> 00:16:37,762 I miss her so much. 388 00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:38,997 I know, honey. 389 00:16:38,999 --> 00:16:40,832 But if you give it a little time, 390 00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:42,333 I'm sure you'll get over her. 391 00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:45,937 Just like you got over your Hamster Dance Tourette Syndrome. 392 00:16:45,939 --> 00:16:47,939 Excuse me, Mom, could you please pass the... 393 00:16:47,941 --> 00:16:49,941 ♪ Dee dah dee dah dee deh doh doh ♪ 394 00:16:49,943 --> 00:16:51,609 ♪ Dee dah dee dah doh ♪ 395 00:16:51,611 --> 00:16:53,444 ♪ Doo doo doo doo doodle loodle doo dah doo ♪ 396 00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:56,814 ♪ Doo dah doodle doo dah doodle doh doh. ♪ 397 00:16:56,816 --> 00:16:59,917 His brain ain't right, but it's fun. 398 00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,690 (crying) 399 00:17:08,995 --> 00:17:10,528 Hey, Chris. 400 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:11,963 I-I see you're sad. 401 00:17:11,965 --> 00:17:13,664 And also sitting on the remote. 402 00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:16,134 Why did Heather leave me?! 403 00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:18,836 I don't know, but sometimes when life's got you down, 404 00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:21,139 you-you got to stand up for a second. 405 00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:22,540 Like-like, just for a second. 406 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:25,009 I've never felt this sad! 407 00:17:25,011 --> 00:17:27,845 Aw, looks like somebody could use a hug. 408 00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:30,081 (crying) 409 00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:34,485 Here we go. 410 00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:35,853 Oh, no, I hit input! 411 00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:37,388 Oh, no! Oh, God! 412 00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:38,890 We may have to throw away the television. 413 00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:40,658 What should I do, Dad? 414 00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:42,527 I don't know. Hey, where's that girlfriend of yours? 415 00:17:42,529 --> 00:17:44,529 She seems cool. 416 00:17:44,531 --> 00:17:46,130 (crying) 417 00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:48,232 (crying) 418 00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:52,303 This day has Haagen-Dazs written all over it. 419 00:17:53,706 --> 00:17:56,007 (crying) 420 00:17:56,009 --> 00:17:57,375 Boy, he's really upset. 421 00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:58,843 (groans) I can't deal with anything 422 00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,511 until I've had my after-nap coffee. 423 00:18:00,513 --> 00:18:02,847 (slurping) 424 00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:05,850 I don't think guys should have two hands on a coffee mug ever. 425 00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:07,852 What? 426 00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:09,587 Mmm, oh, yummy. 427 00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:10,855 Don't do that, either. 428 00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:13,257 J-Just-just don't do anything. 429 00:18:16,729 --> 00:18:18,596 (sighs) 430 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,698 Hey, Chris. 431 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:23,534 I see you turned your hat around so you can really get in there. 432 00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:25,536 Oh, what do you care? 433 00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:27,572 What does anybody care? 434 00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:28,873 Why don't you come with me? 435 00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:30,575 I-I've got something to show you. 436 00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:32,577 If it's the shot from Psycho where you can see 437 00:18:32,579 --> 00:18:35,413 Anne Heche's bunghole, I've already seen it. 438 00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:37,548 No, Chris, it's something else. 439 00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:40,284 Come on. 440 00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:56,734 Heather? Oh, my God! 441 00:18:56,736 --> 00:18:57,902 I'm sorry, Chris. 442 00:18:57,904 --> 00:19:00,404 You-you did this? 443 00:19:00,406 --> 00:19:01,606 I did. 444 00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:04,242 I took your doll because it's not a natural 445 00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:06,944 or healthy thing for a boy your age to have. 446 00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:09,147 It looks like you stabbed her. 447 00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:11,449 Like, 50 times. 448 00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:14,819 I was kind of jealous of it, so I guess I went a little crazy. 449 00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:17,155 Also, her lipstick is all smeared. 450 00:19:17,157 --> 00:19:19,757 I was having a lot of strange feelings! 451 00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:22,760 Look, Chris, I'm sorry. You can have Heather back. 452 00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:25,663 But I just want you to know, if you ever treat a real woman 453 00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,431 the way you treat that doll, 454 00:19:27,433 --> 00:19:30,501 you're gonna make her very happy. 455 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:31,669 Really? 456 00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:32,937 Absolutely. 457 00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:36,107 And I know she'll make you very happy, too. 458 00:19:36,109 --> 00:19:38,643 You know... I don't think 459 00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:40,945 I need Heather anymore. 460 00:19:40,947 --> 00:19:42,680 You don't? No. 461 00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,282 I'm glad to hear that, Chris. 462 00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:46,684 Seems like maybe you're growing up. 463 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,286 Maybe. 464 00:19:48,288 --> 00:19:49,987 I guess there's just one thing left to do. 465 00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:51,022 What's that? 466 00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:52,123 Give me that knife. 467 00:19:52,125 --> 00:19:53,457 I got to cut out the baby. 468 00:19:53,459 --> 00:19:54,292 Oh, my God! 469 00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:56,194 It's made of Skittles. 470 00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:58,963 You want to eat the baby together on the way home? 471 00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:02,600 Yeah, I'd like that, Chris. 472 00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:20,985 You know, Lois, I've been thinking about what you said. 473 00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:23,054 And I did learn a little something 474 00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:25,022 from watching Chris and Heather. 475 00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:26,357 You did? Yeah. 476 00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:28,159 From now on, I am gonna be 477 00:20:28,161 --> 00:20:31,028 treating you like garbage. 478 00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:33,164 Oh, Peter. Thank you. 479 00:20:33,166 --> 00:20:35,066 I love you, Lois. 480 00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:36,400 CHRIS: Mom? Dad? 481 00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:39,670 I want you to meet my new girlfriend! 482 00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:41,072 This is Mistress Vita. 483 00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:42,873 We met on Craigslist. 484 00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:45,676 No talking unless I say! 485 00:20:45,678 --> 00:20:48,679 Hi, Peter. 486 00:20:48,681 --> 00:20:50,915 How'd she know your name? 487 00:20:54,187 --> 00:20:56,187 Peter, are-are you just trying to take a knee 488 00:20:56,189 --> 00:20:58,589 until the end of the show? 489 00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:00,958 Peter, that's not gonna work. You can't just...32847

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.