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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:07,639
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,641 --> 00:00:11,310
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,312 --> 00:00:14,313
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,315 --> 00:00:17,950
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,952 --> 00:00:21,153
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:22,821
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:24,123
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:30,029
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:36,168
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Hard Knocks CFL:
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00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:38,837
Training Campwith the Toronto Argonauts.
12
00:00:38,839 --> 00:00:39,972
I hope you make it.
13
00:00:39,974 --> 00:00:41,140
You're real good.
14
00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:42,674
No way, not as
good as you.
15
00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:43,809
I hope you make it.
16
00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:45,511
What're you gonna do
with all your money?
17
00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:46,678
Oh, probably
just save it.
18
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,047
Yeah, that's
real smart.
19
00:00:48,049 --> 00:00:49,982
Well, back
to my book.
20
00:00:49,984 --> 00:00:52,151
Peter, I was at the park
with Stewie,
21
00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:54,153
and someone stole
his tricycle.
22
00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:55,521
And during, like,
the one second
23
00:00:55,523 --> 00:00:57,990
I was looking down at my phone
and not at him.
24
00:00:57,992 --> 00:00:59,324
Stupid thief.
25
00:00:59,326 --> 00:01:01,827
It's got a vanity plate
that won't even apply to him.
26
00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:02,995
Hey.
27
00:01:02,997 --> 00:01:04,997
You like your reggae
watered down
28
00:01:04,999 --> 00:01:06,498
and acceptable
at a wedding?
29
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:07,666
Hop on.
30
00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:10,369
Ugh, can't believe somebody
stole Stewie's trike.
31
00:01:10,371 --> 00:01:12,704
I only had nine payments
left on that thing.
32
00:01:12,706 --> 00:01:14,039
How much do you make?
33
00:01:14,041 --> 00:01:15,841
Don't worry, Lois, I'm
gonna find that tricycle.
34
00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:19,178
I'll just have four to five
beers to stop the shaking,
35
00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:21,080
and then I'll
go outside.
36
00:01:25,019 --> 00:01:27,753
Huh, never seen that kid
around the neighborhood.
37
00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:29,588
Maybe he's got something
to do with it.
38
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:31,023
Hey, kid.
39
00:01:31,025 --> 00:01:32,257
You know anything
about a tricycle
40
00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:33,859
that just got stolen
from the park?
41
00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:35,194
No, sir, I've been
sitting here
42
00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:37,196
for the last three hours
selling lemonade.
43
00:01:37,198 --> 00:01:38,764
Would you like
an ice-cold glass?
44
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:41,433
Why, sure.
45
00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:43,769
You couldn't have been here
for three hours on this,
46
00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:45,037
the hottest day
of the year,
47
00:01:45,039 --> 00:01:47,372
or the ice cubes in your
pitcher would have melted.
48
00:01:47,374 --> 00:01:48,574
Ow...
49
00:01:48,575 --> 00:01:49,775
You have the right
to remain silent.
50
00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:50,776
Anything you say...
51
00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:52,211
Peter, Peter! We
can't arrest him.
52
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:53,712
If anything, they
can arrest you.
53
00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:55,714
Hey, here's
the tricycle.
54
00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:57,049
You were right,
Peter.
55
00:01:57,051 --> 00:01:58,550
This kid's a thief.
56
00:01:58,552 --> 00:01:59,551
We did it!
57
00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:00,552
Wow, look at us.
58
00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:02,721
Hey, you know,
we make a great team, guys.
59
00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:04,223
Like Huey Lewis
and the Jews.
60
00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:06,225
♪ We don't
need money... ♪
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00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:08,160
Sorry, the band's
breaking up.
62
00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,231
Here you go, Stewie.
63
00:02:12,233 --> 00:02:13,732
Don't bother sniffing
the seat.
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00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:14,967
It don't smell
like nothing.
65
00:02:14,969 --> 00:02:16,101
Oh, yeah, my trike.
66
00:02:16,103 --> 00:02:17,569
Eh, I'm kind of
over that thing.
67
00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:21,740
Now I'm way into wooden
beads you move along wires.
68
00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:22,975
Whoa...
69
00:02:22,977 --> 00:02:25,110
Oh, yeah...
70
00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:27,412
Boy, when you find
a baby's tricycle,
71
00:02:27,414 --> 00:02:29,248
it feels like there's
nothing you can't do.
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00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:30,983
Man, I wish we
could quit our jobs
73
00:02:30,985 --> 00:02:33,252
and solve children's
crimes full-time.
74
00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:35,254
I heard you guys are
good at solving cases.
75
00:02:35,256 --> 00:02:38,123
I'll give you 50 cents to
find my lucky baseball card.
76
00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:40,459
Guys, we're
in business.
77
00:02:40,461 --> 00:02:42,528
(celebrating)
78
00:02:42,529 --> 00:02:44,596
Oh, wait a minute, I didn't
notice you have a pierced ear.
79
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:45,764
We can't help you.
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00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:47,099
You go home
and tell your mother
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00:02:47,101 --> 00:02:49,501
she's supposed to be
a parent, not a friend.
82
00:02:54,008 --> 00:02:55,841
All right, guys, this'll be
the headquarters
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00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,843
for our new
detective agency.
84
00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,645
This milk crate
will be my chair,
85
00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:01,980
this overturned rain barrel
will be my desk,
86
00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:03,649
and this DNA evidence
centrifuge
87
00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:06,451
and fingerprint scanner
will be my coatrack.
88
00:03:06,453 --> 00:03:08,287
Piece of junk.
89
00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:11,290
I guess all our detective
agency needs now is a name.
90
00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:13,992
Well, we're detectives
solving children's crimes.
91
00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:15,527
There's only one name
that makes sense.
92
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,296
"Dicks for Kids"?
"Dicks for Kids."
93
00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:19,798
But wait, we want people
to know we're grown-ups.
94
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,300
Okay, "Big Dicks
For Kids."
95
00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:22,834
But we don't want
to sound too old.
96
00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:25,470
They're gonna think we're a
bunch of old, bald geezers.
97
00:03:25,472 --> 00:03:26,838
"Big Hairy Dicks
for Kids."
98
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:30,275
How are we gonna let them
know we're "veiny"?
99
00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:34,813
So, you say this gumball machine
took your dime
100
00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:36,048
and didn't give you
a gumball?
101
00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:37,049
That's right.
102
00:03:37,051 --> 00:03:38,350
Well, I'll take care
of that.
103
00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:40,352
Hand over the dime, buddy.
104
00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:41,486
Come on, hand it over.
105
00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:42,988
Don't make this
hard on yourself.
106
00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:44,189
Wait a minute.
107
00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:46,525
This gumball machine
takes quarters, not dimes.
108
00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:47,826
(siren wails)
109
00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:49,027
Holy crap, it's a setup.
110
00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:50,729
Time to make a quick getaway.
111
00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:58,904
You were set up,
too, huh?
112
00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,339
Yeah.
113
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:04,610
You realize that kid is plowing
both our wives right now.
114
00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:07,679
So what do we got
today, boys?
115
00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:10,082
Well, it seems like we got
a bit of a crime spree.
116
00:04:10,084 --> 00:04:12,084
Just this morning,
we've had multiple reports
117
00:04:12,086 --> 00:04:13,418
of stolen items.
118
00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:16,888
Uh, couple marbles, ball
of yarn, two Wiffle ball bats.
119
00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:21,426
Someday a rain'll come and wash
all this scum off the streets.
120
00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:23,862
Guys, I think I got a
lead on all these thefts.
121
00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:26,798
One of the kids had
a nanny-cam hidden in his room.
122
00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:32,537
Come on, let's do it
on your son's tiny bed.
123
00:04:32,539 --> 00:04:34,373
Hurry, he gets home
at 3:00.
124
00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:35,874
Okay, it's later than this.
125
00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:37,709
Y-Yeah,
f-fast-forward ahead.
126
00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:38,710
Forward. Forward.
127
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:39,544
Keep forwarding.
128
00:04:39,546 --> 00:04:40,946
Is that woman
gonna be okay?
129
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:41,947
Yeah, yeah, she's fine.
130
00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,382
We're having brunch
after this.
131
00:04:43,384 --> 00:04:45,617
God, I look huge
in that bed, don't I?
132
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,386
You think other
guys hang out
133
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:50,389
and watch their friend's
naked gyrating butt?
134
00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:53,392
It's been so long, I don't
know what other friends do.
135
00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:55,560
Forwarding, forwarding,
forwarding...
136
00:04:55,562 --> 00:04:56,728
And there we go.
137
00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:57,796
Our thief.
138
00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:02,234
(gasps)
139
00:05:02,236 --> 00:05:04,736
Chris Gaines was Garth Brooks.
140
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:06,638
I just figured that out.
141
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:11,576
Oh, my God, Chris stole
all that stuff.
142
00:05:11,578 --> 00:05:13,145
No way,
he wouldn't do that.
143
00:05:13,147 --> 00:05:14,413
Peter, Chris is
on the tape.
144
00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:15,914
We got to search
his bedroom.
145
00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:17,749
Fine, go ahead.
146
00:05:17,750 --> 00:05:19,583
But I'm telling you, it's gonna
be a bigger waste of time
147
00:05:19,586 --> 00:05:21,720
than writing tough-guy dialogue
for a Jet Li movie.
148
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:26,658
(grunting)
149
00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:29,361
(grunting, bone cracking)
150
00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:33,799
This is your
last warning.
151
00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:35,100
Give me back my wife.
152
00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:36,601
What? Excuse me?
153
00:05:36,603 --> 00:05:39,171
Give me back my wife, or
you're in a lot of trouble.
154
00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:40,505
I'll kick all
your faces.
155
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:41,506
You got me?
156
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,475
You're kind of undoing
everything you just did
157
00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:44,609
when you kicked
my ass.
158
00:05:44,611 --> 00:05:47,412
I know, but I have
to say for audience.
159
00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:57,155
Chris still has
an Aaron Hernandez poster up?
160
00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:58,857
That's not cool.
161
00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:02,127
See, there's nothing here.
162
00:06:02,129 --> 00:06:03,795
Just a weird life-sized
lady doll
163
00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:05,931
made out of all the stuff
that got stolen.
164
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,001
CHRIS:
No!
165
00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:11,136
Don't hurt Heather.
166
00:06:11,138 --> 00:06:12,337
Don't hurt my girlfriend.
167
00:06:12,339 --> 00:06:13,505
What the hell?!
168
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:15,140
Chris made
a sex doll?!
169
00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:17,142
Your kid's got
a walk-in closet?
170
00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:19,378
Two of mine gotta sleep
in the car.
171
00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:26,651
Chris is still
in his room
172
00:06:26,653 --> 00:06:28,653
with that disgusting
homemade sex doll.
173
00:06:28,655 --> 00:06:30,989
He actually thinks
it's his girlfriend.
174
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,357
I know, it's weird.
175
00:06:32,359 --> 00:06:35,560
It's even weirder than that
secret level in Donkey Kong.
176
00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:02,454
♪ ♪
177
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:50,569
Maybe it's our fault Chris
has such a screwed-up idea
178
00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:52,571
about what
a relationship is.
179
00:07:52,573 --> 00:07:53,905
I mean,
let's be honest,
180
00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:55,907
we're not exactly the model
of a healthy marriage.
181
00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:58,577
Oh, boy, is this 'cause of
the time I pushed off of you
182
00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:00,111
after sex and
bruised your boob?
183
00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:03,281
No, I-I mean, when was the
last time you bought me flowers,
184
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:05,150
or-or we had
a date night?
185
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:06,418
We do stuff.
186
00:08:06,420 --> 00:08:08,286
Just last week, I let
you watch me complain
187
00:08:08,288 --> 00:08:10,155
after eating too
many hot wings.
188
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,423
Ugh!
189
00:08:11,425 --> 00:08:14,159
Why did you let me
do this, Lois?!
190
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,427
Why?!
191
00:08:15,429 --> 00:08:18,830
Okay, Peter, I got to take
the kids to school now.
192
00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:24,436
Hey, Chris,
193
00:08:24,438 --> 00:08:26,438
your mother wanted me
to talk to you.
194
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,440
Um, she doesn't think
it's healthy for you
195
00:08:28,442 --> 00:08:30,842
to be spending all your time
with a homemade sex doll.
196
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:31,843
Sex doll?
197
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:32,944
I wish.
198
00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:35,146
Heather hasn't even let
me get to second base.
199
00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:36,281
Wh... H-Hang on.
200
00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:37,516
What's second base?
201
00:08:37,518 --> 00:08:39,351
Is that touching
one of the cabbages?
202
00:08:39,353 --> 00:08:40,852
Yeah.
203
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:43,955
(groans) But I'm such a loser,
she'll never let me do that.
204
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:46,124
Come on, Chris,
don't sell yourself short.
205
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:48,827
You are every bit as good
as that bag of garbage.
206
00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:49,961
You really think so?
207
00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:51,880
Sure, I do.
208
00:08:51,881 --> 00:08:53,798
And look, if you really want
to learn how to bang that thing,
209
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,667
there's no better teacher
than your old dad.
210
00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:57,969
After all, I'm the guy
who taught old Asian people
211
00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,204
how to get
on the subway.
212
00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:01,506
(scream approaching)
213
00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:03,008
Out of the way!
214
00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:05,010
Nobody else matters!
215
00:09:05,012 --> 00:09:06,177
All right,
you made it.
216
00:09:06,179 --> 00:09:08,547
Now twirl that long hair
sticking out of your face mole.
217
00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:11,182
And cough-- cough like
you never coughed before.
218
00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:14,052
(coughing violently)
219
00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:20,492
Okay, Chris, now, women really
dig those firemen calendars.
220
00:09:20,494 --> 00:09:22,727
So we're gonna go inside
and get some sexy shots
221
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,729
of you doing
fireman stuff.
222
00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:27,499
♪ Well, I'm hot blooded ♪
223
00:09:27,501 --> 00:09:29,834
♪ Check it and see ♪
224
00:09:29,836 --> 00:09:34,005
♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪
225
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:35,373
♪ Come on, baby ♪
226
00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:37,909
♪ Do you do more than dance? ♪
227
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:41,246
♪ I'm hot blooded,
I'm hot blooded ♪
228
00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:47,485
♪ You don't have
to read my mind... ♪
229
00:09:49,523 --> 00:09:51,056
(sighs)
Look, Heather.
230
00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:53,858
The truth is, I don't care
if we never take it
231
00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:55,527
to the next level,
physically.
232
00:09:55,529 --> 00:09:58,597
I just really like
spending time with you.
233
00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:02,867
(chuckles)
Wow.
234
00:10:02,869 --> 00:10:06,104
I'm gonna have to write
to somebody about this.
235
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,038
"Dear Penthouse,
236
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,040
"I used to think
these letters were fake
237
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:12,110
"until my taped-together,
soccer-ball-headed girlfriend
238
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,545
fell in my lap."
239
00:10:13,547 --> 00:10:16,147
Hey, do we still have
a magazine?
240
00:10:21,555 --> 00:10:23,388
Good morning, everybody.
241
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,557
I think Heather will be
eating breakfast
242
00:10:25,559 --> 00:10:28,960
standing up this morning,
if you know what I mean.
243
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:31,630
Peter, I thought you were
gonna take care of this.
244
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:33,398
You were supposed to make
Chris get rid of that doll.
245
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,400
I did take care of it.
246
00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:36,768
He slept with it,
and now he'll slowly
247
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,770
grow to hate it
over the next 20 years.
248
00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:39,904
This is all your fault.
249
00:10:39,906 --> 00:10:41,740
You never listen
to anything I say.
250
00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:43,274
Look, you told me
to talk to him.
251
00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:44,309
I talked to him.
252
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:45,944
And now you're
nagging me about it?
253
00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:49,147
God, you're more annoying than
a creative voice mail message.
254
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:54,953
JOE: ♪ Joe is on a vacation
far away ♪
255
00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:58,923
♪ You called him up
to talk it over ♪
256
00:10:58,925 --> 00:11:02,794
♪ So many things
that you want to say ♪
257
00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:06,665
♪ Leave your message
when the beep is over ♪
258
00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:09,000
♪ I don't want
to miss your call ♪
259
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,069
♪ Tonight ♪
260
00:11:13,507 --> 00:11:17,475
♪ I already missed
your call tonight. ♪
261
00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:19,477
(beeps)
262
00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:21,479
I... I can't remember
263
00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:23,748
who I called.
264
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,453
Oh, Lois, thank God!
265
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:31,189
Listen, I can't decide what
I want for breakfast tomorrow.
266
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,691
Can you make me a sample tray?
267
00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:33,792
You know what, Peter?
268
00:11:33,794 --> 00:11:34,993
I'm not talking
to you right now.
269
00:11:34,995 --> 00:11:36,628
You screwed up
bad with Chris.
270
00:11:36,630 --> 00:11:37,862
And you still
haven't apologized
271
00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:39,497
for the way you
treated me earlier.
272
00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:41,700
Aw, come on, Lois.
I'll make it up to you.
273
00:11:41,702 --> 00:11:43,501
Maybe sooner than you know.
274
00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:45,036
(doorbell rings)
275
00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:48,139
Oh, Peter!
276
00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:49,541
They're beautiful!
277
00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,643
You're such a sweetheart.
278
00:11:51,645 --> 00:11:52,811
Read the card.
279
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:55,146
"To Heather, from Chris"?
280
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,882
Oh, I thought it might
have a funny riddle on it.
281
00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:00,051
Oh, good, the flowers came!
282
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,520
We're just cocooning today
because Heather said
283
00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:03,888
she's never seen TV.
284
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:06,691
So, we're starting with
season six of Becker.
285
00:12:06,693 --> 00:12:10,228
I'm just gonna be
easing her in.
286
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,529
Lois, before you say anything.
287
00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:14,032
I also got you a gift.
288
00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:16,835
It's a Katherine Heigl mask for
you to wear while we have sex.
289
00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:19,037
She's perfect, because
she's only sort of hot,
290
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:21,172
so there won't be this crazy
disconnect of her face
291
00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:23,708
on your body, which would
totally take me out of it.
292
00:12:23,710 --> 00:12:26,511
Also, it's designed so you
can wear it on your butt.
293
00:12:26,513 --> 00:12:28,513
Heather, I made
your favorite cookies.
294
00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:31,182
And now I want to hear
all about your day.
295
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:35,186
Hey, Lois, I heard Katherine
Heigl likes to French kiss.
296
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:37,222
Oh, my God!
297
00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:41,192
Chris treats that pile of junk
better than Peter treats me!
298
00:12:41,194 --> 00:12:42,894
What's the matter, Lois?
Need to get in the mood?
299
00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:46,598
How about a little
help from Kenny G?
300
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,933
♪ ♪
301
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:03,448
I wonder if Cleveland's
gonna want his sax back.
302
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:11,723
Oh, hi, Chris.
303
00:13:11,725 --> 00:13:12,891
Where have you been?
304
00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,893
Heather and I went
for a tandem bike ride.
305
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:17,228
And then had lunch
at a gastropube.
306
00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:18,563
Nope.
307
00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:19,898
Huh. Sounds like fun.
308
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,466
What have you guys been up to?
309
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,569
Your father got a DVD of black
people fighting in the street.
310
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:25,904
It's not just
in the street.
311
00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:27,972
Some of them are in
private residences.
312
00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:30,942
Oh. Well, tomorrow, Heather
and I are going to the park
313
00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:32,744
to picnic and fly kites.
314
00:13:32,746 --> 00:13:34,913
And on Saturday,
she's hosting her book club,
315
00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,915
so I have to drop by,
say something funny,
316
00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:38,917
and then stay upstairs.
317
00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:41,753
Wow, your plans sound
very sweet and romantic, Chris.
318
00:13:41,755 --> 00:13:44,088
And how a man
should treat his woman.
319
00:13:44,090 --> 00:13:45,657
Oh, Lois, your breath
smells like eggs.
320
00:13:45,659 --> 00:13:48,593
Talk that way.
321
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:50,762
Chris, when you go on your
picnic tomorrow,
322
00:13:50,764 --> 00:13:53,498
c-can your father
and I come with you?
323
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,600
Let me just ask Heather.
324
00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:57,836
I know, but I think we better.
325
00:13:57,838 --> 00:14:00,104
Apparently the cancer's
already in his bones.
326
00:14:00,106 --> 00:14:02,907
What?
We'd love to, sounds great!
327
00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:05,777
What are you doing?
You can't let him
328
00:14:05,779 --> 00:14:07,111
keep thinking
that doll is real.
329
00:14:07,113 --> 00:14:09,480
I know. But I just
want Peter to see
330
00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:12,350
what a thoughtful man looks
like for one afternoon.
331
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:13,852
Maybe he'll learn something.
332
00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:15,286
Are you sure about this?
333
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:16,654
It seems pretty extreme.
334
00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:18,122
Well, I got to try something.
335
00:14:18,124 --> 00:14:19,858
Peter and I used
to be so close.
336
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:22,327
But now we're like
apples and oranges.
337
00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:24,996
People say we're different, but
we're really not that different.
338
00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:26,865
Mm-hmm, yeah, we
both work in marketing.
339
00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:28,166
We've both lost children.
340
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:30,301
We both own cars, but
we like to take the bus.
341
00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:32,303
And we both cheat
at Words With Friends.
342
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:33,538
Oh, nice try!
343
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:34,672
I certainly do not!
344
00:14:34,674 --> 00:14:36,641
And we're both gonna
have a moderate time
345
00:14:36,643 --> 00:14:37,876
at the party tonight.
346
00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:39,677
And we're not gonna count
each other's drinks.
347
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:43,248
We won't have to
because we won't be drinking.
348
00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:50,655
Wow, it sure is fun going
on a picnic, isn't it, Peter?
349
00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:51,890
Yeah. Will you hold
this beer bottle
350
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:54,359
while I try to kick
the top off it?
351
00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:55,493
Ow! Damn it!
352
00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:57,095
You moved it.
353
00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:01,165
♪ Raindrops are falling
on my head ♪
354
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:04,002
♪ And just like
the guy whose feet ♪
355
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:07,705
♪ Are too big for his bed ♪
356
00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:09,674
♪ Nothing seems to fit ♪
357
00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:12,510
♪ Those raindrops are falling
on my head ♪
358
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:15,680
♪ They keep falling ♪
359
00:15:15,682 --> 00:15:19,350
♪ Because I'm free ♪
360
00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:23,021
♪ Nothing's worrying ♪
361
00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:26,090
♪ Me. ♪
362
00:15:27,861 --> 00:15:28,927
Close your eyes, Heather.
363
00:15:28,929 --> 00:15:30,929
I've got a surprise for you.
364
00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:34,032
None of your business
how much it was.
365
00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:35,700
He bought her a scarf.
366
00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:37,368
And it actually goes well
with her colors.
367
00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:39,704
Peter, don't you see
what's going on here?!
368
00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:41,706
Your son's relationship
with that doll
369
00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:43,608
is better than our own marriage!
370
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,276
Peter?
371
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:48,746
Hey, can me and Ramon
go ride shirtless bikes?
372
00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,281
(sighs)
373
00:16:00,927 --> 00:16:02,961
(hinges creaking)
374
00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:13,805
(screams)
375
00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:15,573
My morning scream.
376
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:16,774
(sighs)
377
00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:17,942
(screams)
378
00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:19,911
Heather's gone!
379
00:16:19,913 --> 00:16:21,913
Mom! Heather's disappeared!
380
00:16:21,915 --> 00:16:23,147
Have you seen her?!
381
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:24,916
No, I haven't, sweetheart.
382
00:16:24,918 --> 00:16:26,084
B-But you know what?
383
00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:28,786
Sometimes relationships
run their course
384
00:16:28,788 --> 00:16:30,755
and come to a natural end.
385
00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:33,424
This could be a sign
that it's time to move on.
386
00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:35,994
Aw, and I just helped him
pick out that scarf.
387
00:16:35,996 --> 00:16:37,762
I miss her so much.
388
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:38,997
I know, honey.
389
00:16:38,999 --> 00:16:40,832
But if you give it
a little time,
390
00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:42,333
I'm sure you'll get over her.
391
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:45,937
Just like you got over your
Hamster Dance Tourette Syndrome.
392
00:16:45,939 --> 00:16:47,939
Excuse me, Mom,
could you please pass the...
393
00:16:47,941 --> 00:16:49,941
♪ Dee dah dee dah
dee deh doh doh ♪
394
00:16:49,943 --> 00:16:51,609
♪ Dee dah dee dah doh ♪
395
00:16:51,611 --> 00:16:53,444
♪ Doo doo doo doo doodle
loodle doo dah doo ♪
396
00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:56,814
♪ Doo dah doodle doo
dah doodle doh doh. ♪
397
00:16:56,816 --> 00:16:59,917
His brain ain't right,
but it's fun.
398
00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,690
(crying)
399
00:17:08,995 --> 00:17:10,528
Hey, Chris.
400
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:11,963
I-I see you're sad.
401
00:17:11,965 --> 00:17:13,664
And also sitting
on the remote.
402
00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:16,134
Why did Heather leave me?!
403
00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:18,836
I don't know, but sometimes
when life's got you down,
404
00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:21,139
you-you got to stand
up for a second.
405
00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:22,540
Like-like, just for a second.
406
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:25,009
I've never felt this sad!
407
00:17:25,011 --> 00:17:27,845
Aw, looks like somebody
could use a hug.
408
00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:30,081
(crying)
409
00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:34,485
Here we go.
410
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:35,853
Oh, no, I hit input!
411
00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:37,388
Oh, no! Oh, God!
412
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:38,890
We may have to throw
away the television.
413
00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:40,658
What should I do, Dad?
414
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:42,527
I don't know. Hey, where's
that girlfriend of yours?
415
00:17:42,529 --> 00:17:44,529
She seems cool.
416
00:17:44,531 --> 00:17:46,130
(crying)
417
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:48,232
(crying)
418
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:52,303
This day has Haagen-Dazs
written all over it.
419
00:17:53,706 --> 00:17:56,007
(crying)
420
00:17:56,009 --> 00:17:57,375
Boy, he's really upset.
421
00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:58,843
(groans) I can't
deal with anything
422
00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,511
until I've had my
after-nap coffee.
423
00:18:00,513 --> 00:18:02,847
(slurping)
424
00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:05,850
I don't think guys should have
two hands on a coffee mug ever.
425
00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:07,852
What?
426
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:09,587
Mmm, oh, yummy.
427
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:10,855
Don't do that, either.
428
00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:13,257
J-Just-just don't do anything.
429
00:18:16,729 --> 00:18:18,596
(sighs)
430
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,698
Hey, Chris.
431
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:23,534
I see you turned your hat around
so you can really get in there.
432
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:25,536
Oh, what do you care?
433
00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:27,572
What does anybody care?
434
00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:28,873
Why don't you come with me?
435
00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:30,575
I-I've got something
to show you.
436
00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:32,577
If it's the shot from Psycho
where you can see
437
00:18:32,579 --> 00:18:35,413
Anne Heche's bunghole,
I've already seen it.
438
00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:37,548
No, Chris, it's
something else.
439
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:40,284
Come on.
440
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:56,734
Heather? Oh, my God!
441
00:18:56,736 --> 00:18:57,902
I'm sorry, Chris.
442
00:18:57,904 --> 00:19:00,404
You-you did this?
443
00:19:00,406 --> 00:19:01,606
I did.
444
00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:04,242
I took your doll
because it's not a natural
445
00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:06,944
or healthy thing for a boy
your age to have.
446
00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:09,147
It looks like
you stabbed her.
447
00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:11,449
Like, 50 times.
448
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:14,819
I was kind of jealous of it, so
I guess I went a little crazy.
449
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:17,155
Also, her lipstick
is all smeared.
450
00:19:17,157 --> 00:19:19,757
I was having a lot
of strange feelings!
451
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:22,760
Look, Chris, I'm sorry.
You can have Heather back.
452
00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:25,663
But I just want you to know,
if you ever treat a real woman
453
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,431
the way you treat that doll,
454
00:19:27,433 --> 00:19:30,501
you're gonna make her
very happy.
455
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:31,669
Really?
456
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:32,937
Absolutely.
457
00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:36,107
And I know she'll make you
very happy, too.
458
00:19:36,109 --> 00:19:38,643
You know... I don't think
459
00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:40,945
I need Heather anymore.
460
00:19:40,947 --> 00:19:42,680
You don't?
No.
461
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,282
I'm glad to hear
that, Chris.
462
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:46,684
Seems like maybe
you're growing up.
463
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,286
Maybe.
464
00:19:48,288 --> 00:19:49,987
I guess there's just
one thing left to do.
465
00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:51,022
What's that?
466
00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:52,123
Give me that knife.
467
00:19:52,125 --> 00:19:53,457
I got to cut out the baby.
468
00:19:53,459 --> 00:19:54,292
Oh, my God!
469
00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:56,194
It's made of Skittles.
470
00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:58,963
You want to eat the baby
together on the way home?
471
00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:02,600
Yeah, I'd like that, Chris.
472
00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:20,985
You know, Lois, I've been
thinking about what you said.
473
00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:23,054
And I did learn
a little something
474
00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:25,022
from watching
Chris and Heather.
475
00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:26,357
You did?
Yeah.
476
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:28,159
From now on, I am gonna be
477
00:20:28,161 --> 00:20:31,028
treating you like garbage.
478
00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:33,164
Oh, Peter. Thank you.
479
00:20:33,166 --> 00:20:35,066
I love you, Lois.
480
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:36,400
CHRIS:
Mom? Dad?
481
00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:39,670
I want you to meet
my new girlfriend!
482
00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:41,072
This is Mistress Vita.
483
00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:42,873
We met on Craigslist.
484
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:45,676
No talking unless I say!
485
00:20:45,678 --> 00:20:48,679
Hi, Peter.
486
00:20:48,681 --> 00:20:50,915
How'd she know your name?
487
00:20:54,187 --> 00:20:56,187
Peter, are-are you just
trying to take a knee
488
00:20:56,189 --> 00:20:58,589
until the end of the show?
489
00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:00,958
Peter, that's not gonna work.
You can't just...32847
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