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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:08,140
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:11,710
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:14,713
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:18,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:21,520
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,122
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:24,456
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:30,062
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:36,068
TV ANNOUNCER: Hallmark
Original Pictures presents
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00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:39,405
an instant family classic:
Summers with My Slow Brother,
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00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:41,974
starring a cast of people
who make you say "Oh,"
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00:00:41,976 --> 00:00:43,909
because you didn't think
they were still acting.
14
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:45,711
For example, Grant Show.
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00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:46,712
Oh.
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00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:47,713
Rachael Leigh Cook.
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00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:48,714
Oh.
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00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:49,715
David Faustino.
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00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:50,716
Oh.
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00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:52,217
And Robin Tunney.
Huh?
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00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:54,186
The bald-headed chick
from Empire Records.
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00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:55,320
Oh.
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00:00:55,322 --> 00:00:56,488
Guys, could you
turn that down?
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00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:58,323
I'm trying to study
for the SAT.
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00:00:58,325 --> 00:00:59,725
Hey, careful, Meg.
26
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,226
Remember what happened
the last time I had to choose
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00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:02,694
between you and the TV.
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00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:05,164
Don't worry.
Meg's holding our stuff.
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00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:08,033
Meg, don't drink
that soda!
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00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:09,368
I'm serious, you guys.
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00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:11,003
I haven't been doing well
on these practice tests,
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00:01:11,005 --> 00:01:13,338
and I need to improve my score
to get into a good college.
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00:01:13,340 --> 00:01:15,040
You're in high school,
sweetie.
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00:01:15,042 --> 00:01:17,009
You should be much more
concerned about your weight
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00:01:17,011 --> 00:01:18,677
than your SAT scores.
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00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:19,845
Don't listen to her, Meg.
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00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:21,380
Academics are
extremely important.
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00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:23,348
Are the SATs essential?
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00:01:23,350 --> 00:01:25,050
Vital? Crucial?
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00:01:25,052 --> 00:01:27,086
D: All of the above.
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00:01:27,088 --> 00:01:29,621
I'll get the scissors
and cut that poop off your bum.
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00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:31,457
Meg, trust me,
you ace these SATs,
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00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:33,058
you could go on
to do anything.
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00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:35,027
You could be a doctor,
an architect.
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00:01:35,029 --> 00:01:37,362
Hell, you could even coach
the Mighty Ducks.
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00:01:37,364 --> 00:01:39,531
All right, the championship
is on the line.
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00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,700
It's time for a formation
they're not expecting.
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00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:42,868
The Flying V?
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00:01:42,870 --> 00:01:45,871
No. The Stinky V.
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00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,551
Wassup, my sistas?
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00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:02,554
Ooh, I ain't sat down
in a hot minute!
52
00:02:02,556 --> 00:02:04,456
What the hell? Why are
you talking like that?
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00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:06,825
Sorry, I have
family in town.
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00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:08,227
You guys, I'm freaking out.
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00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:09,795
The SATs are this weekend,
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00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:11,897
and there's no way
I'm gonna get a good score.
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00:02:11,899 --> 00:02:14,466
You know, Meg, maybe you should
get someone super smart
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00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:15,734
to take it for you.
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00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:17,069
Have someone
take it for me?
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00:02:17,071 --> 00:02:18,437
But that's cheating.
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00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:20,572
No one cares about
cheating anymore, Meg.
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00:02:20,574 --> 00:02:22,407
Not since
Slick Willy Clinton
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00:02:22,409 --> 00:02:24,343
lowered the nation's
moral standards.
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00:02:24,345 --> 00:02:26,178
God, give it up, Patty.
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00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:28,847
I'm just saying, find
someone really smart
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00:02:28,849 --> 00:02:31,416
to take the SAT for you
in exchange for money.
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00:02:31,418 --> 00:02:34,186
Did someone say
"Jewish"?
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00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:35,787
Oh, hey, Neil.
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00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:37,656
Listen, is there
any chance
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00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:40,626
you'd be willing to take the
SAT for me this weekend?
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00:02:40,628 --> 00:02:41,994
Sorry, Meg, I'm swamped.
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00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:44,096
I'm taking my body
into the shop.
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00:02:44,098 --> 00:02:47,599
I don't know what you've been
doing to this thing, Neil,
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00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:48,767
but you see this gunk?
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00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:50,269
That ain't supposed
to be there.
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00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:51,970
Well, just do
whatever you can.
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00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:54,273
All right, I'm gonna go eat
a sandwich with one hand
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00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:56,608
and fill out the invoice
with the other.
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00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:57,643
Don't worry, Meg.
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00:02:57,645 --> 00:02:58,810
There's got to
be someone else
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00:02:58,812 --> 00:03:00,512
who'd be willing to take
that test for you.
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00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:01,446
Like who?
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00:03:01,448 --> 00:03:02,714
You guys are my only friends,
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00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:04,316
and everyone
in my family's a moron.
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00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:05,851
What about your
hot mom, Meg?
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00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:08,020
What?
I said how about
your dog? He's smart.
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00:03:08,022 --> 00:03:09,621
That doesn't sound
like what you said,
88
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,690
but yeah,
Brian is kind of smart.
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00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:14,059
Maybe I'll get him
to take it for me.
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00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:16,128
(whispering):
Your mom's so (bleep) hot.
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00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:22,467
TV ANNOUNCER:
We now return to another
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00:03:22,469 --> 00:03:23,969
Michael Jordan
underwear commercial
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00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:26,071
on a plane for some reason.
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00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:27,973
Does your underwear
have tags?
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00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:29,341
Uh, what?
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00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:31,476
Uh, Mr. Jordan, you're gonna
have to take your seat
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00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:33,812
and stop asking people
about their underwear.
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00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:35,814
Oh, hey, Brian.
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00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:38,016
I was just thinking
about you.
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00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:40,052
You know how I've always
loved your novel
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00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:41,687
Faster Than theSpeed of Love?
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00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:43,088
Okay, what's this?
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00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:45,657
She's peanut buttering you up
for something.
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00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:47,693
No, I-I didn't even know
you'd read my novel.
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00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:49,928
Oh, yeah. I'm a huge
fan of "FATSPOL."
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00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:52,864
That's the acronym I use for
Faster Than the Speed of Love,
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00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:54,433
because I mention
it so much.
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00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:56,168
God, that would've
saved me years.
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00:03:56,170 --> 00:03:58,170
Anyway, I was just rereading
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00:03:58,172 --> 00:04:00,038
my favorite passage
the other day.
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00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:03,408
"The weight of the gun
in Jason's hand surprised him.
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00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:06,678
'How heavy,' he wondered,
'is the human soul?'"
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00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:07,713
That's page one.
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00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:09,181
She's quoting page one.
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00:04:09,183 --> 00:04:10,616
Your book is genius, Brian.
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00:04:10,618 --> 00:04:13,952
I can't believe Amazon
is dumping it for 99 cents.
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00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,387
What?! My book is on Amazon?!
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00:04:15,389 --> 00:04:16,555
Oh, yeah, Brian,
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00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:18,657
there's something
for everyone on Amazon.
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00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:27,633
In fact,
you're so smart,
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00:04:27,635 --> 00:04:30,469
I thought you'd be
the perfect person
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00:04:30,471 --> 00:04:32,871
to maybe take
the SAT for me.
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00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:34,906
What? But that would be wrong.
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00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:37,209
Well, I suppose you may
look at it that way.
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00:04:37,211 --> 00:04:40,412
But a wise book once said,
"With the heart at stake,
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00:04:40,414 --> 00:04:43,548
right and wrong is
a stake through the heart."
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00:04:43,550 --> 00:04:44,716
That one's on the cover.
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00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:47,886
Wow, ensnared by
my own verbal trap.
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00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:49,955
Well played, me, through you.
130
00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:52,557
All right, Meg,
I'll take that test for you.
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00:04:52,559 --> 00:04:53,959
I guess what I'm saying is,
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00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:57,329
"Ace Pilotson,
reporting for World War Love."
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00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:59,064
What?
She didn't read
the book, Bri.
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00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:00,299
That's your
main character.
135
00:05:00,301 --> 00:05:02,301
Don't worry, Meg--
I'm always here to help.
136
00:05:02,303 --> 00:05:04,903
Like a 1960s British policeman.
137
00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:06,838
Officer! Me child's
been kidnapped!
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00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:09,174
Calm down, ma'am, it's
all under control.
139
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,942
I've got a whistle,
a cloth helmet,
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00:05:10,944 --> 00:05:13,578
a key to a call box, a
soft rubber truncheon,
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00:05:13,580 --> 00:05:15,614
and a map of the city.
Please hurry!
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00:05:15,616 --> 00:05:17,249
I don't much
like your tone.
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00:05:17,251 --> 00:05:21,053
That's a tiny pencil-and-pad
citation for you!
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00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:28,260
Okay, Brian, you can do this.
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00:05:30,264 --> 00:05:32,097
(breathes deeply)
146
00:05:32,099 --> 00:05:33,532
Hey, Meg.
Hi, Meg.
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00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:35,600
Hey, how's it going?
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00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:38,704
(urinating)
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00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:40,372
My locker.
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00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:43,608
Meg, I thought we were
gonna try to work on that.
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00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:49,448
Hey, other teens,
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00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:51,717
how about our youth culture,
am I right?
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00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:53,618
All the new hairs we're getting.
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00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:55,821
Hey, hashtag SATs, huh?
155
00:05:55,823 --> 00:05:57,322
Yeah, I guess.
156
00:05:57,324 --> 00:05:59,124
(quietly): Wow, I can't believe
this worked.
157
00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:01,293
I was afraid I'd stick out,
like the one guy
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00:06:01,295 --> 00:06:03,628
in Lincoln's cabinet
who didn't have a beard.
159
00:06:03,630 --> 00:06:07,032
I want to win this war,
and I want to do it fast. Ideas?
160
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,967
We should meet the rebels
head-on in Virginia.
161
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:11,536
Yes, and use our ships
to block their supply chains.
162
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,405
We could also use
our troop advantage
163
00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:15,140
to out-flank them
in the west.
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00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:17,642
Uh, what did that
baby just say?
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00:06:17,644 --> 00:06:20,312
All right, cell phones away,
eyes on your own paper,
166
00:06:20,314 --> 00:06:23,148
and before we start,
who's giving me a ride home?
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00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:25,283
Not you, a girl.
168
00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:28,353
(quietly):
For luck, Meg.
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00:06:28,355 --> 00:06:29,755
(farts)
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00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:32,124
We're all rooting for ya.
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00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:38,263
TV ANNOUNCER:
We now return to Malcolm XXY.
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We didn't land on Plymouth Rock!
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00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,032
CROWD:
Yeah!
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00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:43,101
Plymouth Rock gave us
both sets of genitals!
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00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:44,836
CROWD: Yeah!
MAN: What?
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00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:46,271
Mail's here.
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00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:48,106
I got my SAT scores.
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00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:49,341
So, how'd we do?
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00:06:49,343 --> 00:06:51,343
"We" scored a thousand.
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00:06:51,345 --> 00:06:54,346
Nice! One thousand,
on the nose.
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00:06:54,348 --> 00:06:56,515
Boop! You are welcome.
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00:06:56,517 --> 00:07:00,452
Brian, that's a thousand
out of a possible 2,400!
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00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:02,854
That's the worst score
in my class!
184
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:04,055
What?!
Damn it,
185
00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:06,124
why did I ever think
you were smart?
186
00:07:06,126 --> 00:07:08,760
That's... that's not possible.
187
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:10,529
Ha-ha! Brian's stupid!
188
00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:12,764
(gasps) I must alert
the townsfolk!
189
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:17,068
Hyah! Fly, Artemis, fly!
190
00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:19,137
Hark, townsfolk!
191
00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:20,906
Brian, uh...
192
00:07:20,908 --> 00:07:23,608
he... oh, damn,
what was it?
193
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:24,743
Brian...
194
00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:27,045
Brian goes to college?
No.
195
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:29,080
Brian gets
another book published?
196
00:07:29,082 --> 00:07:31,216
Y-Yeah. Yeah,
maybe that's it.
197
00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:35,387
Tell all that Brian's getting
another book published!
198
00:07:35,389 --> 00:07:36,788
Oh, thank God!
199
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:39,357
I thought it was gonna be
a Meg episode all throughout.
200
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:48,600
I got the lowest score
in Meg's class?
201
00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:50,335
How could this happen?
202
00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:52,737
Face it, Brian,
this proves that you're stupid.
203
00:07:52,739 --> 00:07:55,173
Proves it empirically.
204
00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:57,409
That means it's verified.
I know!
205
00:07:57,411 --> 00:07:59,478
I just weirdly woke up
in the laundry room.
206
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,646
Not now, Peter!
Geez, what's
wrong with you?
207
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:05,450
Brian took the SAT for Meg,
and it turns out he's an idiot.
208
00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:06,918
That's not true!
209
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:08,753
Methinks the Hoff
protest a month.
210
00:08:08,755 --> 00:08:10,922
Do you even know what
you're trying to say?
211
00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:13,325
Hey, look, don't feel bad,
Brian-- it's fun being stupid.
212
00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:14,993
You don't got to
worry about nothing,
213
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:17,429
you don't got to read books,
and you never die.
214
00:08:17,431 --> 00:08:18,930
Peter, that...
that's not correct.
215
00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:20,365
How would you
know, stupid?
216
00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:22,033
(laughter)
217
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:23,802
Thanks a lot, SAT.
218
00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:26,271
Man, this is
the worst day of my life.
219
00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:28,306
Empirically.
Eh, careful.
220
00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:30,175
Brian, being a dumb
guy's not so awful.
221
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:32,677
I'll show you. Come on, you're
spending the day with me.
222
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:35,146
Here, you want a beer?
Peter, it's 11:00 a.m.
223
00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:37,516
If the clock ain't digital,
you don't know that.
224
00:08:37,518 --> 00:08:39,951
Well, actually,
I could use a drink.
225
00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,620
There you go! You look
stupider already.
226
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,221
Let's go.
Where are we going?
227
00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:44,689
Who cares?
Now, come on,
228
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:47,292
we're gonna party like
it's the Roaring Twenties.
229
00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:48,960
(lively music playing)
230
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,996
♪ No TV, movies suck ♪
231
00:08:50,998 --> 00:08:53,131
♪ I'm here with my gal ♪
232
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:55,133
♪ Shake your hands,
kick around ♪
233
00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:57,202
♪ Wear a suit to breakfast ♪
234
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:58,970
♪ Underwear that laces up ♪
235
00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:00,972
♪ All girls have
a guy's haircut ♪
236
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:03,174
♪ Crank your car
to make it start ♪
237
00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:07,045
♪ You will die of measles. ♪
238
00:09:11,485 --> 00:09:12,817
(tires screech, cars crash)
239
00:09:12,819 --> 00:09:15,520
(laughter)
240
00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:16,888
Oh, my God!
241
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,324
Yeah, see, people go
to NASCAR hoping for a crash.
242
00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:20,825
Well, this is all crashes.
243
00:09:20,827 --> 00:09:22,827
But that guy could've been hurt!
Why are you laughing?
244
00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:25,063
'Cause it's funny! What, do you
think you're better than me?
245
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:27,198
By the way, a huge part
of being an idiot
246
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:28,333
is constantly
accusing people
247
00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:29,668
of thinking
they're better than you.
248
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:31,937
That and forwarding
mildly funny e-mails
249
00:09:31,939 --> 00:09:34,039
way after everybody's
already seen them.
250
00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:35,907
Heh. You know this one's funny
251
00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:38,310
'cause there's
seven fonts in 12 colors.
252
00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:42,847
CHRIS: Ha-ha! Dad, I just got
this hilarious e-mail!
253
00:09:42,849 --> 00:09:45,016
You got to see this!
254
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:47,686
Ha-ha! Chris would love this.
255
00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:49,888
(laughs hysterically)
256
00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:51,523
(popping)
Hey, it looks like
257
00:09:51,525 --> 00:09:53,592
they're shooting T-shirts
into the crowd.
258
00:09:55,529 --> 00:09:58,096
Oh, those aren't T-shirts.
Thems is hot dogs.
259
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,199
Huh. That's
kind of cool.
260
00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:02,534
I want a hot dog.
261
00:10:02,536 --> 00:10:04,936
Well, then you better
move quick-- he's reloading!
262
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:07,806
(barking)
263
00:10:07,808 --> 00:10:09,641
(thumping)
264
00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:11,643
Yeah! Free
flying meat!
265
00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:13,712
MAN: Hey, you feel good
about yourself, jagoff?
266
00:10:13,714 --> 00:10:16,314
Yeah, that's right-- I knocked
your kid over to get a hot dog.
267
00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:17,949
What, do you think
you're better than me?!
268
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,384
MAN: What, you think
you're better than me?!
269
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:20,785
You think you're
better than me?!
270
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:23,488
Ah, look at you, Brian,
right at home with us dumb guys.
271
00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:26,558
You're blending in better than
a centipede among millipedes.
272
00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:28,326
Well, what should
we do today?
273
00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:29,995
Let's try on
1,000 shoes.
274
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:32,097
Wait a minute.
275
00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:34,165
(counting under his breath)
276
00:10:44,645 --> 00:10:46,911
You're an imposter!
277
00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:48,413
♪ If it hadn't been for
Cotton-Eye Joe ♪
278
00:10:48,415 --> 00:10:50,582
♪ I'd been married
long time ago ♪
279
00:10:50,584 --> 00:10:52,417
♪ Where did you come from,
where did you go? ♪
280
00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:54,085
♪ Where did you
come from, Cotton-Eye Joe? ♪
281
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:56,021
♪ If it hadn't been
for Cotton-Eye Joe ♪
282
00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:57,789
♪ I'd been married
long time ago ♪
283
00:10:57,791 --> 00:10:59,691
♪ Where did you come from,
where did you go? ♪
284
00:10:59,693 --> 00:11:01,526
♪ Where did you
come from, Cotton-Eye Joe? ♪
285
00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:03,695
♪ ♪
286
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:17,275
♪ ♪
287
00:11:29,956 --> 00:11:31,623
♪ If it hadn't been
for Cotton-Eye Joe ♪
288
00:11:31,625 --> 00:11:33,825
♪ I'd been married
long time ago ♪
289
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:35,660
♪ Where did you come from,
where did you go? ♪
290
00:11:35,662 --> 00:11:37,896
♪ Where did you
come from, Cotton-Eye Joe? ♪
291
00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:39,998
♪ If it hadn't been
for Cotton-Eye Joe ♪
292
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,499
♪ I'd been married
long time ago ♪
293
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,301
♪ Where did you come from,
where did you go? ♪
294
00:11:43,303 --> 00:11:45,537
♪ Where did you
come from, Cotton-Eye Joe? ♪
295
00:11:47,908 --> 00:11:50,709
(laughing)
296
00:11:50,711 --> 00:11:52,677
Hey, yo, Stew.
My boy Peter and I
297
00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:54,646
are watching this Sandler movie
That's My Boy.
298
00:11:54,648 --> 00:11:56,214
You gotta come
check it out, man.
299
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:57,482
It's amazeballs.
300
00:11:57,484 --> 00:11:59,484
This is just
the DVD menu.
301
00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:03,354
(chuckles)
No way.
302
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:05,356
Aw, man, I am
buzzin' hardcore
303
00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:06,991
off of that chaw, man.
304
00:12:06,993 --> 00:12:08,159
Brian, what
the deuce?
305
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:09,861
(chuckles)
Deuce.
306
00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:11,596
Like poo.
Yes, yes,
deuce like poo.
307
00:12:11,598 --> 00:12:13,064
But what the devil
has happened to you?
308
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,066
Uh, I woke up, Kemosabe?
309
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,736
No, I mean it. How
could one bad test score
310
00:12:17,738 --> 00:12:19,771
transform you into
a complete moron?
311
00:12:19,773 --> 00:12:22,107
Brian, I'm concerned something
is very wrong with you.
312
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:24,375
Nah, man, I've never
felt better, Beef Stew.
313
00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:25,577
Bazinga!
314
00:12:25,579 --> 00:12:27,912
(chuckles) Like what
the gay scientist says.
315
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:30,048
Hey, Brian,
say something else from TV.
316
00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:32,117
What you talkin' 'bout,
Phyllis?!
317
00:12:34,788 --> 00:12:36,187
(gasps)
318
00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:38,256
Aw, gross,
he's getting his nose period.
319
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,191
Oh, my God! We've got
to get him to a hospital!
320
00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:41,526
Don't worry, Brian,
I'll save you.
321
00:12:41,528 --> 00:12:42,727
I'm good in a crisis.
322
00:12:42,729 --> 00:12:45,196
After all, I used to work
the suicide hotline.
323
00:12:45,198 --> 00:12:47,699
MAN:
I-I just can't take it.
324
00:12:47,701 --> 00:12:51,202
I discovered my wife's
been cheating on me for a while.
325
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:53,037
And I just...
(sighs)
326
00:12:53,039 --> 00:12:56,708
I can't live like this.
327
00:12:56,710 --> 00:12:59,711
I have to kill myself.
328
00:12:59,713 --> 00:13:03,114
Doesn't it make more sense
to kill her?
329
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,486
Brian, the good news is
we've stopped the bleeding.
330
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:10,288
And we've removed
the Matchbox car
331
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:11,823
that was lodged
in your rectum.
332
00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:13,491
I did that right
after you passed out.
333
00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:16,728
(chuckles)
Classic P-Dog.
334
00:13:16,730 --> 00:13:19,063
But, Dr. Hartman,
why did he lose consciousness?
335
00:13:19,065 --> 00:13:21,499
Well, keeping in mind the
recent behavioral changes
336
00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,635
you've described,
I did a CAT scan...
337
00:13:23,637 --> 00:13:24,836
On a dog.
(chuckles)
338
00:13:24,838 --> 00:13:26,437
We laughed about
that, too.
339
00:13:26,439 --> 00:13:30,275
However, I'm sorry to inform you
that Brian has a brain tumor.
340
00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:31,409
(all gasp)
341
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:32,911
Oh, my God.
342
00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:34,479
There's only one thing to do:
343
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:37,682
shrink down to microscopic size,
enter Brian's brain,
344
00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:40,585
and destroy the tumor
from within.
345
00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:44,889
I was raped by a bug.
346
00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:53,198
Brain tumor. How
is that possible?
347
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,533
As a father in a hospital
getting bad news,
348
00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:59,070
I am gonna sadly slide down
the wall and take my hat off.
349
00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:04,142
I forgot the hat.
350
00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:07,445
So, Doc, w... um, how much
Jamba Juice do I have to drink
351
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:08,947
to cure this?
Um...
352
00:14:08,949 --> 00:14:11,783
I-I've also heard that,
like, crystals exist?
353
00:14:11,785 --> 00:14:14,452
Dr. Hartman, do you think
the brain tumor might explain
354
00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:16,654
why Brian's been acting
so odd lately?
355
00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:19,824
Hmm, well, I haven't heard of
brains being linked to behavior,
356
00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:21,492
but I suppose
anything is possible.
357
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:23,695
Mom, is Dad gonna die?
358
00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:26,130
No, Chris, Brian is the one
with the brain tumor.
359
00:14:26,132 --> 00:14:28,132
Dr. Hartman,
what's the prognosis?
360
00:14:28,134 --> 00:14:31,369
Well, it says here Brian's
tumor is for office use only.
361
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:34,339
(groans)
Benign. It says "benign."
362
00:14:34,341 --> 00:14:36,674
Oh, Brian, that's wonderful
news! You're going to be okay!
363
00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:38,309
Winning!
364
00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:40,311
(chuckles) Remember
somebody said that?
365
00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:42,814
Well, since Brian's tumor poses
no immediate threat,
366
00:14:42,816 --> 00:14:44,682
we can schedule surgery
to remove it,
367
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:47,085
and he'll be back
to his old self in no time.
368
00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:49,087
Well, I say we get that tumor
out of him right away
369
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,822
before he gets
any dumber.
No way.
370
00:14:50,824 --> 00:14:52,490
I'm never going back
to my old self.
371
00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:54,492
I rock like this.
I'm legit.
372
00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:56,694
I'm uber.
I'm awesome-sauce.
373
00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:59,163
Either take the tumor out of him
or put one in me!
374
00:14:59,165 --> 00:15:00,365
I can't stand this!
375
00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:02,233
So i-if Brian doesn't have
the surgery,
376
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:03,835
will he be all right?
377
00:15:03,837 --> 00:15:06,004
I don't know. Is
Dax Shepard all right?
378
00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:08,273
Eh, seems kind
of gratuitous.
379
00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:11,209
My point is, Brian could have
the surgery and be smart again,
380
00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:13,745
or he could skip the surgery
and stay dumb like this.
381
00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:16,414
Well, Brian,
if-if you're happy this way...
382
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,283
Hells to the yeah,
I am!
383
00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:20,285
Hey, um, I was told
there would be a lollipop
384
00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:21,853
at the end of this?
385
00:15:21,855 --> 00:15:23,688
(quietly): Good, he doesn't know
about the stickers.
386
00:15:23,690 --> 00:15:25,023
I'll take two.
387
00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:26,691
Brian, you're not thinking
clearly, all right?
388
00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:28,526
You've got to agree
to this surgery.
389
00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:30,962
Because right now, you're
as useless as Black Widow is
390
00:15:30,964 --> 00:15:32,363
to the Avengers.
391
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,365
So... what's
your superpower?
392
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:35,700
Kicking.
393
00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:37,602
Oh, right, 'cause
none of us can kick.
394
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:40,705
Hey, which one
of you guys can kick?
395
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:42,740
Hulk, stop being nice.
396
00:15:42,742 --> 00:15:44,609
Sorry.
397
00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:49,547
(singing opera music)
398
00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:53,384
Hey, this isn't the
Kenny Chesney concert.
399
00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:56,220
No, I'm afraid that was a white
lie to get you here, Brian.
400
00:15:56,222 --> 00:15:58,723
This is the opera.
I'm hoping that re-exposing you
401
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:02,293
to high culture will remind you
of the joys of a refined mind.
402
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:05,063
Cool. I'm sitting on my
foot to hold in a dump.
403
00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:06,998
Please don't
embarrass me here.
404
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:10,068
Pepperoni pie,
extra cheese. G32.
405
00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:11,736
Oh, cool.
My friend Pete is here.
406
00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:13,438
Pete Za.
(chuckles)
407
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:16,174
Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. That's
gonna be me in, like, a minute.
408
00:16:16,176 --> 00:16:17,342
Over here, bro!
409
00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:20,078
Aw, I moved my foot.
410
00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:24,148
Hey, this isn't
the Kenny Chesney concert.
411
00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:26,484
(sighs) No, Brian,
this is called yoga.
412
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:29,020
Lots of smart people do it
instead of going to church.
413
00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:31,589
And after we get done with this,
you're going to talk a lot
414
00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:33,591
about being present
and grounded.
415
00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:35,360
You're going to be
impossible to be around.
416
00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:37,428
Let's get started.
417
00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:40,331
BRIAN:
Whoa! Schwing!
418
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:44,502
Schwing! Schwing!
Schwing! Schwing!
419
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:46,838
That was from
Wayne's World.
420
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:49,273
That's the sound
of Wayne's boner.
421
00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:54,946
Okay, before
you say anything, no,
422
00:16:54,948 --> 00:16:56,781
this is not
the Kenny Chesney concert.
423
00:16:56,783 --> 00:16:59,617
We're here to have a nice
civilized dinner and to show you
424
00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:01,786
that you don't have to eat
all your meals in your car.
425
00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:03,287
Now, we're going to start
by hearing the waiter
426
00:17:03,289 --> 00:17:04,889
give us the specials.
427
00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:07,859
Good evening. Our first special
is an almond-crusted salmon...
428
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:09,727
Hey, cram it, skinny.
Give me free food
429
00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:12,730
or I'm gonna tell people on Yelp
there was a pube in my salad.
430
00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:14,132
Free food,
right away.
431
00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:15,333
Okay. All right.
432
00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:17,301
I forgot that Yelp
is a weapon for dumb people.
433
00:17:17,303 --> 00:17:18,970
You taught me something
today, Bri.
434
00:17:18,972 --> 00:17:21,305
That I can throw
a frog a hundred feet?
435
00:17:21,307 --> 00:17:23,141
(sighs)
I can't change you back.
436
00:17:23,143 --> 00:17:25,476
This whole endeavor
was doomed to fail.
437
00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:27,979
Like an Asian guy
going to a salon.
438
00:17:27,981 --> 00:17:31,315
Hi. I want to have
my anus breached.
439
00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:36,320
He's gone, Rupert.
440
00:17:36,322 --> 00:17:38,656
It appears I've lost
Brian to the dumb side.
441
00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:41,159
So now I need you
to be Brian.
442
00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:43,227
Here's your collar.
And here's a laptop.
443
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:45,296
Write something bad.
444
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,167
"It was the last
day of summer
445
00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:51,702
and the first day of
the rest of her life."
446
00:17:51,704 --> 00:17:54,172
Wow! You did that
with your face!
447
00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:56,841
Hey, what's this?
Gaylord practice?
448
00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:59,210
That's the eighth time
you've asked me that today.
449
00:17:59,212 --> 00:18:01,179
Listen, Brian, I've been trying
to change you.
450
00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:03,681
But I realize
that if you're happy,
451
00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:06,384
I need to accept the you
that you want to be.
452
00:18:06,386 --> 00:18:08,119
No matter how painful that is.
453
00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:09,754
What are you doing?
454
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,523
Oh, my friend Terry told me you
can get high from licking paint.
455
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:13,524
Who's Terry?
456
00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:14,525
He's friends
with Gus.
457
00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:15,526
Who's Gus?
458
00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:16,928
Um, Gus is
Terry's friend.
459
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:18,563
It... You kind of
had to be there.
460
00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:20,898
For what?
No story has been told!
461
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:23,901
Okay, well, I'm gonna go put on
my python and walk to the park.
462
00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:25,536
Brian, wait. I'm...
463
00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:29,207
I'm trying to say that I accept
your choice to forego surgery.
464
00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:32,376
I release you into
the thick mire of stupidity.
465
00:18:32,378 --> 00:18:34,378
Hey, Brian, I started
the car in the garage
466
00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:35,713
and it's all
foggy in there.
467
00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:37,148
Want to go pretend
we're in London?
468
00:18:37,150 --> 00:18:39,617
Oh, totally!
Shrimp on the barbie, huh?
469
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:42,386
(laughs)
Yes!
470
00:18:42,388 --> 00:18:44,255
Good Lord,
if I don't do something,
471
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:45,723
his stupidity will kill him.
472
00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:47,658
And then I'd lose Brian forever.
473
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:50,628
Like that dog
the Russians shot into space.
474
00:18:55,401 --> 00:18:57,401
He made it! Your
dog is in orbit!
475
00:18:57,403 --> 00:19:00,404
Is wonderful.
How do we get him back now?
476
00:19:00,406 --> 00:19:02,306
Oh... about that.
477
00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:03,741
We do not.
478
00:19:03,743 --> 00:19:07,145
Oh, my poor dog.
He will die up there.
479
00:19:14,087 --> 00:19:16,754
Joke on them!
I find happy dog planet.
480
00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:19,991
In 50 years, we all go back
to Earth and bite everybody.
481
00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:21,325
But now we dance!
482
00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:23,394
(electronic dance music playing)
483
00:19:25,798 --> 00:19:27,932
I've got to convince him
to get that tumor removed
484
00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:29,667
before it's too late.
485
00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:34,939
Now, remember, it's England,
so take long deep breaths.
486
00:19:34,941 --> 00:19:36,274
Wait a second.
487
00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:38,309
I've been approaching this
far too intelligently.
488
00:19:38,311 --> 00:19:40,811
He's an idiot,
so this won't be hard at all.
489
00:19:40,813 --> 00:19:43,147
Hey, Brian, you want
to go see Dr. Hartman
490
00:19:43,149 --> 00:19:45,483
and get that procedure
where you get two wieners?
491
00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:47,285
Whoa! Hell yeah!
492
00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:49,620
That way, when I watch
Black Swan, I can aim one
493
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:51,789
at Natalie Portman
and aim the other at...
494
00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:54,692
Yes, yes, yes, we all know
who the other one was. Let's go.
495
00:19:57,463 --> 00:20:00,464
Well, good news, Griffins:
Brian is gonna be just fine.
496
00:20:00,466 --> 00:20:02,466
I was able
to remove his tumor.
497
00:20:02,468 --> 00:20:05,303
And if anyone wants to keep it,
it's here in this Tupperware.
498
00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:07,572
This-this is half
of a chicken cutlet.
499
00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:10,408
Oh, boy.
What did I have for lunch?
500
00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:12,843
Oh, Brian, I'm so glad
you're all right.
501
00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:15,846
Thanks. But this is
all kind of surreal.
502
00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:18,015
I mean,
being in this hospital bed,
503
00:20:18,017 --> 00:20:21,018
I-I feel like the main character
of As I Lay Dying
504
00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:22,687
as he or she lay dying.
505
00:20:22,689 --> 00:20:25,690
Oh, that's just the amount of
superficial quasi-knowledge
506
00:20:25,692 --> 00:20:27,158
the old Brian had.
507
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:28,492
I missed you, buddy.
508
00:20:28,494 --> 00:20:30,161
Welcome back.
509
00:20:30,163 --> 00:20:31,162
Thanks, Stewie.
510
00:20:31,164 --> 00:20:32,663
You never gave up on me.
511
00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:34,532
You knew that wasn't really me.
512
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:35,733
Yeah, well,
it's no big...
513
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:37,835
I mean, I was having fun,
making new friends,
514
00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:40,104
getting laid all the time,
sleeping like a rock,
515
00:20:40,106 --> 00:20:41,572
but you made the call.
516
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,908
You unilaterally decided
I was better off
517
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:47,578
a bitter alcoholic failure who
can only hang out with a baby.
518
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:49,580
Hey. We have fun.
519
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:50,781
Hey, Lois, guess what.
520
00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:53,217
I had them do
that two-wiener operation on me.
521
00:20:53,219 --> 00:20:55,953
You what?!
(singsongy):
Double trouble.
522
00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:57,955
(thud)
Uh-oh. That was the original.
523
00:20:57,957 --> 00:20:59,523
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