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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:08,107
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:11,677
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:14,680
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:18,183
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:21,553
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,055
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:24,390
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:30,095
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:33,968 --> 00:00:35,968
ANNOUNCER:
You are watching Amazon Prime,
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00:00:35,970 --> 00:00:38,837
the network that brought you
your sunscreen in two days.
12
00:00:38,839 --> 00:00:42,574
Amazon Prime-- like
the eighth best way to watch TV.
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00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:44,910
Hi, Chris, how
was school?
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00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:47,212
Wait, what's that note
pinned to your backpack?
15
00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:48,881
Bet it's from a girl
in the lunchroom
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00:00:48,883 --> 00:00:50,883
who wants a taste
of corn dog.
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00:00:50,885 --> 00:00:52,584
Was that a sex joke?
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00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:53,585
It's...
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00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:54,987
I don't know,
shut up.
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00:00:54,989 --> 00:00:57,689
Oh, dear, it's from
Principal Shepherd.
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00:00:57,691 --> 00:01:00,225
Peter, he wants to see us
first thing tomorrow.
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00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:01,727
Oh, Chris is
in trouble.
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00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:04,163
Sounds like he needs a
little fatherly wisdom.
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00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:05,764
Better get my pipe.
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00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:07,766
Peter, I think that's
the wrong kind of pipe.
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00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:09,101
I'm sorry, Mom.
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00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:11,103
I haven't been doing
too great in school lately.
28
00:01:11,105 --> 00:01:12,771
Well, that's
very disappointing.
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00:01:12,773 --> 00:01:15,441
I guess your father and I will
have to talk to the principal
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00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:16,942
and figure out
how to handle this.
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00:01:16,944 --> 00:01:18,110
Ah, I wouldn't
worry, Lois.
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00:01:18,112 --> 00:01:19,778
I never did very well
in school either.
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00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:21,413
I even failed
homeroom.
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00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:22,514
Peter Griffin?
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00:01:22,516 --> 00:01:23,682
There.
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00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:29,254
Thank you for coming,
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
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00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:31,690
Chris seems to be
struggling in his classes,
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00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:34,026
and often when kids
have trouble in school,
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00:01:34,028 --> 00:01:36,195
it's because something
is going on at home.
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00:01:36,197 --> 00:01:38,864
I haven't been attracted to Lois
for a year and a half.
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00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:41,867
Principal Shepherd, exactly
how poorly is Chris doing?
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00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:44,870
Well, right now,
he has a D-minus average.
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00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:46,972
His only hope is
his history final tomorrow.
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00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:48,307
If he fails that,
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00:01:48,309 --> 00:01:50,476
I'm afraid he'll have
to repeat ninth grade.
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00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:53,312
This... seems more
like a phone call.
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00:01:53,314 --> 00:01:54,480
Oh, my God.
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00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:56,482
I always knew Chris wasn't
a great student,
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00:01:56,484 --> 00:01:59,384
but I had no idea
the situation was so dire.
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00:01:59,386 --> 00:02:01,120
Don't worry, I'll make
sure Chris passes history.
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00:02:01,122 --> 00:02:02,921
You can count on me.
52
00:02:02,923 --> 00:02:06,291
The same way NASA counted on me
during the Apollo 13 crisis.
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00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:07,793
All right, I'm gonna
need three coffins--
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00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:09,128
mahogany with
brass handles--
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00:02:09,130 --> 00:02:10,963
three new daddies for the
dead astronauts' kids
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00:02:10,965 --> 00:02:12,297
and a black
suit for me.
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00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:15,300
Sir, I think I know a way
we can get them back.
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00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:16,301
Is it hard?
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00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:17,469
It might be.
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00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:19,304
Yeah, we-we've kind
of already decided
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00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:20,706
we're going in
this direction.
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00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:26,411
All right, Chris,
you got a lot riding
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00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:27,746
on this history
exam tomorrow.
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00:02:27,748 --> 00:02:28,747
I know.
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00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:30,582
Sam Cooke didn't
know much about history,
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00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:32,084
and he got shot in a hotel
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00:02:32,086 --> 00:02:34,419
wearing nothing
but a sports coat and a shoe.
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00:02:34,421 --> 00:02:36,588
Yeah, that's hilarious, Chris,
but we've got to buckle down.
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00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:39,091
Now, I'm gonna help you study
by nailing your door shut.
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00:02:39,093 --> 00:02:41,593
That way, you'll have no
choice but to hit the books.
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00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:43,262
(hammering)
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00:02:43,264 --> 00:02:45,497
(cell phone buzzes)
Oh, crap, I left
my phone in there.
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00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,132
(jiggles handle) Damn
it, it's nailed shut.
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00:02:47,134 --> 00:02:49,434
(cell phone whooshes)
Dad, it looks like
some girl sent you
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00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:50,769
a picture of her privates.
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00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:52,638
Oh, crap! Lois!
I don't have the phone!
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00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,139
Stop sending pictures!
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00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:55,941
LOIS:
I already sent four more!
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00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:57,442
(cell phone whooshing)
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00:02:57,444 --> 00:02:59,278
Chris, put down the phone!
Don't look at those!
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00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,613
Wait a minute,
that's both her hands!
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00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:03,882
Who the hell is
taking the pictures?!
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00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:06,218
All right, give me that
phone and get back to work.
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00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:07,619
And before you
judge your mother--
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00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:09,688
you did most
of that damage.
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00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:14,893
(sighing):
Oh.
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00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:16,228
Hey, Chris.
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00:03:16,230 --> 00:03:17,896
Just wanted to see
how the studying's going.
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00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:19,898
You guys, I've been
at this all night,
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00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:21,900
and I haven't
learned a thing.
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00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:24,736
There's no way I'm gonna pass
Mr. Harpington's history test.
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00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:25,904
Oh, come on, Chris.
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00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:27,573
I'm sure that's
just the nerves talking.
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00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:29,007
Here, I'll quiz you.
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00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:32,244
Who said, "We have nothing
to fear but fear itself"?
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00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:33,412
Scooby-Doo?
97
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:34,580
No.
Shaggy?
98
00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:36,081
It's nobody on Scooby-Doo.
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00:03:36,083 --> 00:03:37,649
Wow, Chris,
you, uh...
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00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:38,850
you really don't
know history.
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00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,319
I know.
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00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:42,588
And if I fail ninth grade,
I won't amount to anything.
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00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:44,556
I'll end up being
one of those bus drivers
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00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:46,892
that parents don't
completely trust.
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00:03:49,163 --> 00:03:51,563
You have a beautiful
child, Mrs. Roberts.
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00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:56,101
God, poor Chris.
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00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:58,503
He's studying as hard as he can,
but it doesn't seem to matter.
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00:03:58,505 --> 00:04:00,005
Well, we got to
do something.
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00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:01,707
If he doesn't pass this
test, he's gonna have to...
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00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:03,041
Hey.
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00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:04,543
...he's gonna have to
repeat ninth grade.
112
00:04:04,545 --> 00:04:06,411
Well, there's not much
we can do about it.
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00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,347
Some people just aren't able
to learn from books.
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00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:11,083
Well, maybe he
doesn't have to.
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00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:12,184
What do you mean?
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00:04:12,186 --> 00:04:13,352
Maybe there's a way
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00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:15,187
to actually show
Chris history...
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00:04:15,189 --> 00:04:16,521
with my time machine.
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00:04:16,523 --> 00:04:18,190
You know, that's really
nice of you, Stewie.
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00:04:18,192 --> 00:04:19,358
Well, he's my brother.
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00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:20,692
We've got to
stick together.
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00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:23,095
Like that two-headed
girl on TLC.
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00:04:23,097 --> 00:04:26,431
Okay, who wants to taste it,
and who wants to smell it?
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00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:36,541
All right, we'll just
tell Chris he's dreaming,
125
00:04:36,543 --> 00:04:38,810
because I don't want him
to know about my time machine.
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00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:39,878
Why not?
127
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,246
Eh, it's like having
a pickup truck.
128
00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:43,415
Once people know you got one,
there go your weekends.
129
00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:44,416
Chris?
130
00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:45,417
Can you hear me?
131
00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:46,418
Huh?
132
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:47,419
You're dreaming.
133
00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:49,087
I'm dreaming?
134
00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:51,156
Yay! No consequences!
135
00:04:52,259 --> 00:04:53,258
(screams)
136
00:04:53,260 --> 00:04:54,926
So lifelike!
137
00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:57,796
(sighs) All right, let's go back
six minutes and try this again.
138
00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:00,766
Chris, you're dreaming
with consequences.
139
00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:01,767
What?
140
00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:02,934
That's right.
141
00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:04,936
We're gonna take you on
a special dream trip
142
00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:06,938
to help you pass
your history test.
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00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:07,939
You are?
144
00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:09,775
Yes, and there's
so much to learn.
145
00:05:09,777 --> 00:05:10,942
For example, did you know
146
00:05:10,944 --> 00:05:13,478
that Jesus didn't really
die on the cross?
147
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,314
So, what was the
cause of death?
148
00:05:15,316 --> 00:05:17,983
Cocaine and severe trauma
to the colon.
149
00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:20,385
Yeah, I'm gonna need
to see those forms.
150
00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:26,425
Don't look at me like that.
151
00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,760
Babe, I told you,
it's a business trip.
152
00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:30,629
All right,
I've got the return pad,
153
00:05:30,631 --> 00:05:32,631
and the time machine is
powering up right now.
154
00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:33,965
We should be leaving any moment.
155
00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:35,967
This thing is awesome.
156
00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:38,136
Stewie, can you believe
Brian built this?
157
00:05:38,138 --> 00:05:39,171
Wait, what?
158
00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:41,440
(chuckling):
Oh, hey, come on, guys.
159
00:05:41,442 --> 00:05:43,275
"Who built what"
is not a question
160
00:05:43,277 --> 00:05:45,110
on the history
final, right?
161
00:05:45,112 --> 00:05:46,445
Good point, Brian.
162
00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:48,780
That's why victory
is always Brian's.
163
00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:50,282
You dick!
164
00:05:50,284 --> 00:05:52,517
How much of my stuff
have you taken credit for?!
165
00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:07,232
Hey, everybody?
166
00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:09,368
Just so you know,
I'm straight.
167
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,581
All right, Chris, I
reviewed your textbook,
168
00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:24,916
and I've programmed a tour of
the various historical events
169
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:26,585
that you'll need to
know for your exam.
170
00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:27,919
So, pay close
attention.
171
00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:29,755
First stop--
Washington, D.C.
172
00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:31,256
The year is 1803.
173
00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:33,325
Ah, the future.
174
00:06:35,662 --> 00:06:38,163
Now, the man at the podium
is Thomas Jefferson.
175
00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:39,931
And this is a very
important moment.
176
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:41,433
He's trying
to convince Congress
177
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:43,268
to approve
the Louisiana Purchase.
178
00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:44,669
Come on, guys!
179
00:06:44,671 --> 00:06:47,606
We're getting Oklahoma,
Arkansas, Nebraska, Kansas,
180
00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:50,942
Wyoming, North Dakota,
South Dakota and Louisiana.
181
00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:53,345
What are the chances
all those states suck?
182
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,888
STEWIE:
This is Paris, 1920.
183
00:07:02,890 --> 00:07:05,056
This bar is where famous
American writers,
184
00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:07,058
like Ernest Hemingway,
would go for a drink.
185
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:09,194
Oh, my God,
there he is!
186
00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:11,863
Excuse me, Mr. Hemingway,
can I have a beer with you?
187
00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:12,898
Sure!
188
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:15,200
I love life
and all the people in it!
189
00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:16,201
Thanks.
190
00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:17,436
And, hey, as a
fellow writer,
191
00:07:17,438 --> 00:07:19,538
I would love to talk
to you about the craft.
192
00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:22,474
I mean, God, if only we could
get rid of these damn arms
193
00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:24,709
and attach the pen directly
to the heart, right?
194
00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:29,281
You guys,
I got his pen!
195
00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:34,719
Now, Chris,
this is Brazil
196
00:07:34,721 --> 00:07:36,621
before the invention
of the soccer ball.
197
00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:42,994
Australia before
the shark-tooth necklace.
198
00:07:47,468 --> 00:07:49,134
And Italy
before pasta.
199
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:50,469
Ay!
Oh!
200
00:07:50,471 --> 00:07:51,803
Vowel sound!
201
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:54,072
They were always
a ridiculous people.
202
00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:57,742
Hey, Family Guy, you're lucky
I got a manicotti in the oven,
203
00:07:57,744 --> 00:08:00,612
or I'd bash your face
into a bolognese.
204
00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:02,781
That's two kinds of food.
205
00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:05,050
That's how angry I am.
206
00:08:12,259 --> 00:08:14,259
(screams)
207
00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:15,293
CHRIS:
Oh, my God!
208
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:16,428
Where are we?!
209
00:08:16,430 --> 00:08:18,930
Omaha Beach, 1944.
210
00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:20,432
This is D-Day.
211
00:08:20,434 --> 00:08:21,933
What's that over there?
212
00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:23,168
Oh, that's
Double D-Day.
213
00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:26,671
♪ She's my cherry pie ♪
214
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:28,840
♪ Cool drink of water,
such a sweet surprise ♪
215
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,175
♪ Tastes so good... ♪
216
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:33,211
Nein, nein! No
fire! Ist gut!
217
00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:35,213
Heil hooters!
218
00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:36,548
Be careful.
219
00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:38,550
It could be
a booby trap!
220
00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:41,253
(laughing):
Oh, Otto.
221
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:45,056
Here we are.
222
00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:47,058
Christmas night, 1776.
223
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:49,060
The father of our nation,
George Washington,
224
00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:51,396
is about to boldly
cross the Delaware.
225
00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:52,564
What's on his arms?
226
00:08:52,566 --> 00:08:53,565
Those are water wings.
227
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:55,066
He was terrified
of the water.
228
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,136
Easy!
229
00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:04,075
All right, Chris,
it's 1798,
230
00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:05,977
and we're in the home
of Jane Austen.
231
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:07,479
Jane Austen?
232
00:09:07,481 --> 00:09:09,481
I don't think she's
on my history test, Stewie.
233
00:09:09,483 --> 00:09:10,815
Oh, I know--
we're just here
234
00:09:10,817 --> 00:09:12,651
to release pent-up
time-travel farts.
235
00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:14,152
Awesome!
Yeah!
236
00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:16,154
(farting)
237
00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:17,656
(sniffing)
238
00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:19,491
Aw, yeah!
239
00:09:19,493 --> 00:09:20,825
Give me some of that!
240
00:09:20,827 --> 00:09:22,827
Mmm, the insides
of men!
241
00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:24,829
This is what
fuels me!
242
00:09:24,831 --> 00:09:25,764
(sniffing)
243
00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:26,998
Mmm!
244
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:33,438
Okay, time for some
recent history.
245
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,106
This is the 1990s.
246
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:39,678
♪ And I'll tell myself
I'm over you... ♪
247
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,680
This is
the entire 1990s?
248
00:09:41,682 --> 00:09:42,914
Yes.
249
00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:49,220
Wait a minute.
250
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:50,388
Pre-Soviet Russia?
251
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:51,556
This wasn't
on the manifest.
252
00:09:51,558 --> 00:09:53,358
Yeah, this is kind
of a personal thing.
253
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,860
Hey, Pavlov, you
dog-teasing dick!
254
00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:57,929
How's this for positive
reinforcement?!
255
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:08,306
All right,
where to next?
256
00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:10,375
I want to kill
more scientists!
257
00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:16,781
All right, Chris,
258
00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:18,950
that was the British
Parliament, 1912.
259
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,285
Next, we...
260
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:22,854
I say, that looks like a
young Charlie Chaplin.
261
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:30,095
Sir, please, take this money and
use it to pursue your dreams.
262
00:10:30,097 --> 00:10:31,496
Danke.
263
00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:34,766
Stewie, I think
that was a young Hitler.
264
00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:36,434
You just gave money
to Hitler!
265
00:10:36,436 --> 00:10:38,436
Yeah, but before all
the crazy stuff.
266
00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:41,439
All right, Chris, let's discuss
what you've learned so far.
267
00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:43,775
Now, what is your biggest
takeaway from our travels?
268
00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:47,278
That you can't take a good nap
with keys in your pocket.
269
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:48,613
For God's sake, Chris!
270
00:10:48,615 --> 00:10:50,081
You clearly have not
paid attention
271
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:51,416
to anything we've shown you!
272
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:53,251
You're absolutely hopeless!
273
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,253
Did you ever consider
the reason you're having trouble
274
00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:56,755
passing ninth grade is
that you're incapable
275
00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:58,089
of anything else?!
276
00:10:58,091 --> 00:11:00,759
That this is the absolute zenith
of your ability?!
277
00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:02,293
Zenith means top.
278
00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:04,295
No, it means TV.
279
00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,097
Ha! Now I'm catching fire.
280
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:08,099
Damn it, Chris, your problem
isn't book learning,
281
00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:09,601
it's that you're a moron!
282
00:11:09,603 --> 00:11:11,736
This whole trip has been
a complete waste of time!
283
00:11:13,607 --> 00:11:14,939
Screw you, Stewie.
284
00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:16,474
You're a jerk!
285
00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:20,111
And I'm gonna win that bowling
tournament, with or without you!
286
00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:22,781
(sobs)
287
00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:24,449
What is he... what?
288
00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:26,751
He-he doesn't even know what
we're preparing him for!
289
00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:30,855
STEWIE:
Chris?
290
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,057
Chris, come back!
291
00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:33,391
Well, we've looked
all over London.
292
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:34,893
He's nowhere.
293
00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:37,062
I don't know what the
hell we're going to do.
294
00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:38,129
CHRIS:
Hey, Stewie!
295
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:43,468
If I'm such a moron, then how
did I get on a fancy boat?!
296
00:11:45,739 --> 00:11:47,739
(horn bellows)
297
00:11:47,741 --> 00:11:50,809
See you later, douche bags!
298
00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:52,010
Oh, crap!
299
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:53,178
Chris is
on the Titanic?!
300
00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:54,512
No, no, it's
okay, Brian.
301
00:11:54,514 --> 00:11:57,148
We'll just go back in time
to before Chris ran off.
302
00:11:57,150 --> 00:12:00,251
Oh, and I took
your fancy smoke detector!
303
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:01,319
(gasps)
304
00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:02,754
My God, he's got
the return pad!
305
00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:04,522
Brian, we've got to
get on that ship!
306
00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:06,357
PURSER:
Attention, passengers.
307
00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:09,527
The karaoke contest
will begin in five minutes.
308
00:12:09,529 --> 00:12:12,297
Okay, now we've really
got to get on that ship.
309
00:12:18,672 --> 00:12:20,505
Brian, we have
to get on that ship!
310
00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:22,340
It's our only hope
to save Chris.
311
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:23,875
There! Jump onto
that mooring rope.
312
00:12:23,877 --> 00:12:26,144
We can use it
to pull ourselves up.
313
00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:37,722
Oh, thank God, I wasn't
sure we were gonna make it.
314
00:12:37,724 --> 00:12:38,723
I wasn't worried.
315
00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:40,058
I've faced bigger
challenges.
316
00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:42,827
Like trying to dress
Jonah Hill for the Oscars.
317
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,263
Okay, okay, perfect.
318
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,332
Tell him to stay
exactly that weight.
319
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,267
(cell phone rings)
320
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:50,268
Yes?
321
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:51,770
(sighs)
Damn it!
322
00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:20,598
Oh, my God, Brian.
323
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,101
This ship, it's...
it's unbelievable.
324
00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:25,170
It's even more magnificent
than I imagined.
325
00:13:26,106 --> 00:13:27,272
That, Brian.
326
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:28,439
That.
327
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:29,941
That's what I was
telling you about.
328
00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:31,309
That's brocade.
329
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,444
Come on, Stewie, we got
to find Chris and the return pad
330
00:13:33,446 --> 00:13:34,445
before it's too late.
331
00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:35,613
All right,
let's split up.
332
00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:36,915
I'll go search
in first class,
333
00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:38,149
you go down
to steerage
334
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:40,251
and wade through the
gross Irish and Italians.
335
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:42,754
That's two.
336
00:13:42,756 --> 00:13:46,090
Ugh, God knows what
I'm gonna find in steerage.
337
00:13:46,092 --> 00:13:50,094
Bunch of drunk, fat,
pie-faced Irish fools.
338
00:13:50,096 --> 00:13:53,264
Excuse me, have any of you seen
a blond teenage boy?
339
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:54,999
Who's asking?
340
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:56,501
Yeah, who the hell are you?
341
00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:58,269
And I'm the baby!
342
00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:00,338
Chris?
343
00:14:06,646 --> 00:14:07,979
What the hell?
344
00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:09,647
Stewie,
what are you doing?
345
00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:11,649
Uh, dining at the
captain's table.
346
00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:13,818
Everyone at this table
was the first person
347
00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:15,153
to refrigerate
something.
348
00:14:15,155 --> 00:14:16,988
I refrigerated shoes.
349
00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:19,524
Because everybody
likes a cool toe.
350
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:22,193
Also, I gave the string
quartet the sheet music
351
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,862
for "Highway to
the Danger Zone."
352
00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:26,364
You have the sheet music for
"Highway to the Danger Zone"?
353
00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:27,565
Uh, yeah.
354
00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:29,534
What do you think I
keep in this backpack?
355
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:30,869
It's all PowerBars
and sheet music.
356
00:14:30,871 --> 00:14:32,537
Stewie, you're supposed
to be looking for Chris.
357
00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:34,372
I did-- he wasn't
in the Turkish bath,
358
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:37,141
the veranda café or the
Bloody Handkerchief Ball.
359
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:40,812
Oh, dear.
360
00:14:40,814 --> 00:14:43,481
Relax, Brian, I think
I see Chris right now.
361
00:14:43,483 --> 00:14:44,649
Really? Where?
362
00:14:44,651 --> 00:14:46,484
I'm gonna go ahead
and bet he's the guy
363
00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:48,152
with the whole chicken
stuck on his head.
364
00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:50,154
(muffled mumbling)
365
00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:51,489
Hey, you're not Chris.
366
00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:53,992
Pardon me,
that's my hat!
367
00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:55,827
(muffled mumbling)
368
00:14:55,829 --> 00:14:58,329
I know this thing's gonna sink,
but I'm having a good time.
369
00:14:58,331 --> 00:14:59,330
(Chris laughing)
370
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:00,331
Stewie, look!
371
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:01,833
(laughing)
372
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:04,235
Chris, there you are!
373
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:05,904
Well, well, well.
374
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:08,573
If it isn't Booger Breath
and the Mushroom Tip.
375
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,742
Wh-Which one
of us is which?
376
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:12,744
Chris, we have got
to get off this boat.
377
00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:14,913
The Titanic was one of the
biggest disasters in history.
378
00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:16,180
Well, if you're
so worried,
379
00:15:16,182 --> 00:15:18,049
why don't you alert
the crew and save everyone?
380
00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:20,218
Because, Chris,
we can't alter the past.
381
00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:21,719
That's the first rule of...
382
00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:23,721
of, uh... uh, dreaming.
383
00:15:23,723 --> 00:15:25,356
Besides, saving
this ship would mean
384
00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:26,691
talking to, like, 80 people,
385
00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:28,927
and I-I'm just not
in that kind of mood right now.
386
00:15:28,929 --> 00:15:30,762
Look, Chris, just give
us that thing you took
387
00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:32,163
so we can
all get home.
388
00:15:41,207 --> 00:15:43,274
(all screaming)
389
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:46,945
Quick, Chris,
Stewie, get on!
390
00:15:46,947 --> 00:15:48,613
To home!
391
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:51,015
Or I'll just put in
the coordinates.
392
00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:05,763
Damn!
393
00:16:05,765 --> 00:16:06,764
The return pad!
394
00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:07,765
It's been destroyed!
395
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:08,933
What?!
396
00:16:08,935 --> 00:16:10,268
The whole thing's been
waterlogged!
397
00:16:10,270 --> 00:16:12,437
I'll need to dry it out
and completely rewire it.
398
00:16:12,439 --> 00:16:14,305
This would make
a great movie.
399
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:16,507
And the parts I need
to fix the return pad
400
00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:17,775
certainly aren't
on this ship.
401
00:16:17,777 --> 00:16:19,610
We have to somehow
get to dry land.
402
00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:20,945
Dry land?!
403
00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:22,780
Stewie, almost everyone
on the Titanic died!
404
00:16:22,782 --> 00:16:23,915
All right,
calm down, Brian.
405
00:16:23,917 --> 00:16:25,917
No-- there's so much
I haven't done.
406
00:16:25,919 --> 00:16:27,585
I've never even
successfully made love
407
00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:28,920
to a woman in
the shower.
408
00:16:28,922 --> 00:16:30,154
BRIAN:
Aah, my back!
409
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:32,290
WOMAN: Should I put my
foot in the soap dish?
410
00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:34,959
Yeah, try that, and maybe
stand on your tippy-toes.
411
00:16:34,961 --> 00:16:37,762
Aah, how does water
make it dry?!
412
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:39,831
(panicked screaming)
413
00:16:44,938 --> 00:16:46,104
This isn't gonna work.
414
00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:47,438
Brian, this is
our only hope.
415
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:48,773
The majority
of people
416
00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:51,109
who got on those lifeboats
were women of noble birth.
417
00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,944
Now, I've given
us all backstories.
418
00:16:52,946 --> 00:16:55,113
I am Lady Antonia
Tyler Carrington,
419
00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:57,448
the Duchess of Lancashire, the
heir to the Earl of Portsmouth,
420
00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:59,117
and the cousin
of the Countess of Wessex.
421
00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:00,351
Okay, great. And who are we?
422
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:02,153
I don't know,
you're just two sluts with me.
423
00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:03,388
Hey, there's a lifeboat.
424
00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:04,722
Uh, yeah,
but it's got one
425
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:07,125
of those funny Southwest
lifeboat attendants.
426
00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:08,459
Hey,
here's a reminder--
427
00:17:08,461 --> 00:17:09,627
as you exit the boat,
428
00:17:09,629 --> 00:17:11,295
don't forget to give us
your extra snacks
429
00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:13,898
because as you know,
we work for peanuts!
430
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:15,733
(laughs heartily)
431
00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:16,901
That's refreshing.
432
00:17:16,903 --> 00:17:18,903
Most of those guys
are all serious.
433
00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:28,813
(clamoring)
434
00:17:28,815 --> 00:17:29,814
There, that one!
435
00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:31,315
It's our last chance.
436
00:17:31,317 --> 00:17:35,920
(playing "Danger Zone")
437
00:17:35,922 --> 00:17:37,588
Hey, they learned it!
438
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:39,090
What a bunch of pros.
439
00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:40,925
(clamoring)
440
00:17:40,927 --> 00:17:42,260
Hello there, sir.
441
00:17:42,262 --> 00:17:44,595
We are three noblewomen
in distress...
442
00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:46,030
Sorry, boat's full.
443
00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:49,167
Um, what if one of us were
to turn this big ship
444
00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:50,668
into a "tug" boat? (laughs)
445
00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:51,836
Wink, wink.
446
00:17:51,838 --> 00:17:53,004
Wouldn't help you.
447
00:17:53,006 --> 00:17:54,539
You're the fourth person
to offer that,
448
00:17:54,541 --> 00:17:56,607
and I'm kind of spent.
449
00:17:58,178 --> 00:17:59,343
I don't believe this.
450
00:17:59,345 --> 00:18:01,612
Dear God,
we're stuck here.
451
00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:03,347
We're going to drown
on the Titanic.
452
00:18:03,349 --> 00:18:05,416
Oh, no, we're not.
453
00:18:07,187 --> 00:18:09,520
Hey! I said
you can't come on here.
454
00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:11,756
Get out of my way,
you son of a bitch!
455
00:18:12,859 --> 00:18:14,492
(screams)
456
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:18,262
Oh, no!
457
00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:20,498
I can't swim without
my striped one-piece!
458
00:18:21,901 --> 00:18:23,901
Everyone move over.
459
00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:25,269
We're getting on this boat.
460
00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:32,043
Please take my baby!
461
00:18:32,045 --> 00:18:34,378
Yeah, I'm sorry,
if I take your baby,
462
00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:36,280
I'm gonna have
to take everyone's baby.
463
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:38,950
Can you believe
that woman?
464
00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:41,819
Putting me on the spot
in front of everyone.
465
00:18:43,423 --> 00:18:46,457
(passengers screaming)
466
00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:54,232
To home!
467
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:55,800
You see what
you started?
468
00:18:57,737 --> 00:18:59,070
Wow, Chris.
469
00:18:59,072 --> 00:19:00,771
You just saved
our lives.
470
00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:02,106
Thank you.
471
00:19:02,108 --> 00:19:03,941
Oh, it was
nothing, Brian.
472
00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:05,276
Listen, Chris,
I, um...
473
00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:06,844
I think I owe
you an apology.
474
00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:09,847
I'm not someone
who often makes mistakes,
475
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:12,984
but, well, I was wrong earlier
when I called you a moron.
476
00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:14,652
No, you were right.
477
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:17,255
You're the smart one in the
family, and I'm the dumb one.
478
00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:18,923
Oh, you're being too
hard on yourself.
479
00:19:18,925 --> 00:19:22,426
Look, you may not be
"book smart" or "history smart,"
480
00:19:22,428 --> 00:19:25,096
but you're "throw people
off the boat" smart.
481
00:19:25,098 --> 00:19:26,831
And, frankly,
I'm starting to think
482
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:28,666
that's the best kind to be.
483
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,535
Thanks, Stewie.
484
00:19:37,110 --> 00:19:39,777
Well, looks like
one ship was saved today--
485
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:41,846
a relation-ship.
486
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,368
Oh, thank God,
we're back.
487
00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:06,404
Wow, what an
adventure!
488
00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:07,572
Thanks, Dream Brian.
489
00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:08,973
Thanks, Dream Stewie.
490
00:20:11,244 --> 00:20:12,577
Brian, Stewie!
491
00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:14,912
I just had the most
amazing dream.
492
00:20:14,914 --> 00:20:17,815
I was on a famous boat
called the Gigantic.
493
00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:20,818
Yeah, he's gonna fail
that test tomorrow.
494
00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:22,486
Well, we gave it our
best shot, Stewie.
495
00:20:22,488 --> 00:20:24,689
It was still a nice thing
you did for your brother.
496
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:25,856
I suppose.
497
00:20:25,858 --> 00:20:27,858
I just hope that Chris
killing one extra man
498
00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:30,294
on the Titanic didn't alter
anything in the present.
499
00:20:35,401 --> 00:20:36,734
There he is.
500
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,669
"Nigel Harpington."
501
00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:40,338
Wait, "Harpington"?
502
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:42,340
Isn't that the name of
Chris's history teacher?
503
00:20:42,342 --> 00:20:43,674
Yes, I think
you're right.
504
00:20:43,676 --> 00:20:45,176
That must be
his ancestor.
505
00:20:45,178 --> 00:20:48,045
Which means that Chris's
history teacher was never born.
506
00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:50,047
Hey, everybody,
I'm Teacher Doug,
507
00:20:50,049 --> 00:20:51,682
and I don't believe
in tests.
508
00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:54,418
Yay!
509
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:58,489
Captioned by
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