Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,702 --> 00:00:04,670
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:07,873
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,875 --> 00:00:11,543
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:14,546
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:18,017
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,019 --> 00:00:21,387
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:22,955
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,957 --> 00:00:24,356
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:30,129
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:39,872
Oh, I love shopping
at Christmastime.
11
00:00:39,874 --> 00:00:42,408
Ugh, mall food courts
are so depressing.
12
00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:44,543
You can always tell
which fathers are disappointed
13
00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:47,846
in their sons because they eat
lunch with their coats still on.
14
00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:49,348
How's that food,
dum-dum?
15
00:00:49,350 --> 00:00:50,849
Too bad eating
ain't math,
16
00:00:50,851 --> 00:00:52,684
'cause then I'd have something
to be proud of.
17
00:00:52,686 --> 00:00:54,386
I want to go
live with Mom.
18
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:56,488
I know. So do I.
19
00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:58,924
Welcome to
Tommy Bahama.
20
00:00:58,926 --> 00:01:00,926
Yeah, you got anything
for a poor fat person
21
00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:02,861
who wants to look
like a rich fat person?
22
00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:04,196
Of course.
23
00:01:04,198 --> 00:01:06,031
Now, I'll mostly be
hitting on waitresses
24
00:01:06,033 --> 00:01:08,434
who are too young and thin
to ever be interested in me.
25
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,903
Hitting on them in a
kindly, genial way?
26
00:01:10,905 --> 00:01:12,571
No, in a threatening,
creepy,
27
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,506
I'm-joking-but-I'm-not-
really-joking way.
28
00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:16,275
Y-You have anything
for that?
29
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:19,044
Sir, what you're describing is
precisely Mr. Bahama's vision.
30
00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:23,082
ANNOUNCER: Tommy Bahama-- fivemillion uncles can't be wrong.
31
00:01:23,084 --> 00:01:26,418
Hey, sorry to bother you,
but would you like to work here?
32
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:28,787
Me?
Yeah, you'd be perfect.
33
00:01:28,789 --> 00:01:32,591
All right, now let me just take
off these security tags for you.
34
00:01:34,395 --> 00:01:36,528
It's a living.
35
00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:38,697
(Flintstones transition
music plays)
36
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:43,402
So random!
37
00:01:43,404 --> 00:01:45,971
That's a comment on us.
38
00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:48,273
Hey, check that out.
39
00:01:50,878 --> 00:01:53,612
Oh, wow. This is awesome!
40
00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:56,448
You know Jeff Garlin has
one of these in his house.
41
00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:59,084
Ah, I love this chair.
42
00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:02,154
Dog in a Jets jersey,
get in here!
43
00:02:02,156 --> 00:02:04,957
God, I have the best basement.
44
00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:08,060
Peter, this chair
costs $3,000.
45
00:02:08,062 --> 00:02:09,828
That's not so
much, Lois.
46
00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:12,664
It's only infinity times what
you bring home every week.
47
00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:13,665
Peter, look over there.
48
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:17,136
Is that...
is that Jesus?
49
00:02:17,138 --> 00:02:18,904
Whoa, yeah, wow.
50
00:02:18,906 --> 00:02:20,772
It's been a while
since we've seen him.
51
00:02:20,774 --> 00:02:21,807
Hey, Jesus!
52
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:23,242
Oh, hey, guys.
53
00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:25,244
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing in Quahog?
54
00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:26,912
Actually,
I never left.
55
00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:28,780
Really?
Why didn't you call us?
56
00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:31,250
Well, I felt kind of bad
about how we left things.
57
00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:33,118
I wasn't sure you'd
want to hear from me.
58
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:34,153
Oh, that's silly.
59
00:02:34,155 --> 00:02:36,255
We could never
stay mad at you.
60
00:02:36,257 --> 00:02:37,990
Yeah, I've never been one
to hold grudges.
61
00:02:37,992 --> 00:02:40,692
I even forgave the man
who murdered my son.
62
00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:44,029
And although I will never
get over the pain
63
00:02:44,031 --> 00:02:47,866
of what you did to my son,
I forgive you,
64
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:52,137
because I believe you are sick
and in need of help.
65
00:02:52,139 --> 00:02:54,206
Mr. Griffin, this is
the Office of City Planning.
66
00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:56,675
You requested a variance to
build a hot tub off your garage.
67
00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:58,777
Oh, yeah.
Did I get it?
68
00:02:58,779 --> 00:02:59,878
No.
69
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:00,946
I will kill your son!
70
00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,481
Your son is dead!
71
00:03:02,483 --> 00:03:04,816
I'm so glad there's
no hard feelings.
72
00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:06,652
Listen, Peter, we
should catch up.
73
00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:08,453
Why don't you come over to my
place for a beer or something?
74
00:03:08,455 --> 00:03:09,621
Aw, that sounds great!
75
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,056
Hey, you want me
to pick anything up
76
00:03:11,058 --> 00:03:12,658
on the way over
or no, you're good?
77
00:03:12,660 --> 00:03:14,126
Oh, uh...
78
00:03:14,128 --> 00:03:16,128
I-I guess we could maybe
just order something.
79
00:03:16,130 --> 00:03:18,697
Yeah, I don't have any cash,
but we'll figure it out.
80
00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:25,504
Hey, Peter.
Come on in.
81
00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:27,739
Mi casa es, uh...
82
00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,474
I-I don't know Spanish.
83
00:03:29,476 --> 00:03:33,145
Huh, I think half the world
would be surprised to know that.
84
00:03:33,147 --> 00:03:34,880
Hey, nice place here.
85
00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:36,815
This is not too... too...
86
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:39,384
it's not... it's not too...
not too good.
87
00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:41,386
Yeah, I know it's
nothing fancy,
88
00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:44,156
but, you know, I'm not really
into material possessions.
89
00:03:44,158 --> 00:03:45,490
Geez, this place
is depressing.
90
00:03:45,492 --> 00:03:47,159
Hey, how come you aren't
with your family
91
00:03:47,161 --> 00:03:48,594
during Christmas, anyway?
92
00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,762
I can't deal with my family
during the holidays.
93
00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:52,564
And besides, my dad
always spends Christmas
94
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:55,467
at his time-share in Coral
Gables with his girlfriend.
95
00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:59,771
Great, here comes that couple
with the adult disabled kid.
96
00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:01,406
Hey, can we join you?
97
00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:05,177
I-I'm Ken, this is Pam,
and this right here is Scott.
98
00:04:05,179 --> 00:04:07,246
We really want to thank
you, God, for testing us.
99
00:04:07,248 --> 00:04:08,780
It's been such
a blessing.
100
00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:12,417
Can't wait to see what
that "bigger plan" is.
101
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:13,719
Well, I can't
tell you that.
102
00:04:13,721 --> 00:04:14,920
But the good news is,
103
00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:17,389
this little guy's
gonna make it to 74.
104
00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:20,259
Oh, look, Jesus, you shouldn't
be alone during Christmas.
105
00:04:20,261 --> 00:04:21,593
And if I remember
correctly,
106
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,295
isn't your birthday
sometime soon, too?
107
00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:25,264
Ah, whatever,
I'm fine.
108
00:04:25,266 --> 00:04:27,266
I'll probably just reheat some
ramen and watch Grey's Anatomy.
109
00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:29,601
No way. I'm not gonna
let my pal Jesus
110
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:30,769
spend his birthday like that.
111
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,304
Hey, you know what?
112
00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:34,273
I am throwing you
the best birthday party ever.
113
00:04:34,275 --> 00:04:35,707
Are you sure
about that?
114
00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,376
Yeah, I'm great
at throwing parties.
115
00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:39,311
I was in charge
of planning Woodstock.
116
00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:41,046
All right, guys, here's
what I'm thinking--
117
00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:43,548
a whole festival
of muddy boobs.
118
00:04:43,550 --> 00:04:45,417
Well, don't you want
to have music?
119
00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:46,952
Oh, yeah.
120
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:49,221
That's a good way to get
those muddy boobs moving.
121
00:04:53,227 --> 00:04:56,495
All right, you guys, Jesus's
birthday party is gonna be epic.
122
00:04:56,497 --> 00:04:58,130
Hey, since it's
also Christmas,
123
00:04:58,132 --> 00:04:59,931
maybe we could make it,
like, a Christmas theme.
124
00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:01,333
What about
Secret Santa?
125
00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:02,634
That's always fun.
126
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,569
Okay, but five dollar limit.
127
00:05:04,571 --> 00:05:06,338
Why don't we
just say no gifts?
128
00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:08,573
Come on, guys, we don't have to
make such a big thing about it.
129
00:05:08,575 --> 00:05:10,475
It's not like I'm a woman
who's about to turn 30.
130
00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:12,778
You guys, I don't care
what we do for my birthday,
131
00:05:12,780 --> 00:05:14,579
as long as it lasts
the whole week
132
00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:17,115
and is very expensive and
inconvenient for all my friends.
133
00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:18,817
Oh, and I'm gonna
dress like a slut
134
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:20,585
and be rude to everyone
for no reason.
135
00:05:20,587 --> 00:05:21,853
But, Maya...
136
00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:23,322
I don't care that
your dad's dying,
137
00:05:23,324 --> 00:05:25,590
we're all going to
Montreal for the week.
138
00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:26,591
Wait, wait, hold on.
139
00:05:26,593 --> 00:05:28,260
If we're planning a party,
140
00:05:28,262 --> 00:05:29,928
we haven't even talked about
the most important thing.
141
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:32,364
A hydration plan for
people who overheat?
142
00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:34,700
It could be as simple
as an ice bath.
143
00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:36,301
No, no, I'm talking
about women.
144
00:05:36,303 --> 00:05:38,503
Oh, yeah, we definitely need
some women there.
145
00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:40,005
Jesus, what kind
of girls do you like?
146
00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:41,206
Women?
147
00:05:41,208 --> 00:05:43,442
Uh, all types,
I guess.
148
00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:44,543
"All types"?
149
00:05:44,545 --> 00:05:46,211
Come on, Jesus.
150
00:05:46,213 --> 00:05:48,046
Even Martin Lawrence when he
used to dress up like Shenehneh?
151
00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:50,048
CLEVELAND:
(laughs) Shenehneh!
152
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:51,283
No, you know
what I mean.
153
00:05:51,285 --> 00:05:53,352
Uh, like, uh,
hot ladies.
154
00:05:53,354 --> 00:05:55,620
Horny ones who
sex on you.
155
00:05:55,622 --> 00:05:56,655
What?
156
00:05:56,657 --> 00:05:58,190
Yeah, you know.
157
00:05:58,192 --> 00:06:00,859
They come back to your house
and sit on your... butt.
158
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,160
Wait a minute.
159
00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:05,497
Jesus, have you ever
been with a woman?
160
00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:08,567
Are you...
are you a virgin?
161
00:06:08,569 --> 00:06:10,569
(sighs)
Yeah, I am.
162
00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:12,371
How the hell
does that happen?
163
00:06:12,373 --> 00:06:15,374
Well, in high school, my best
friend was this hot prostitute,
164
00:06:15,376 --> 00:06:17,509
and I just kind of got
into the friend zone.
165
00:06:17,511 --> 00:06:19,344
She's all like,
"Oh, there's all these guys
166
00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:20,812
having sex with me for money."
167
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,314
And I'm all like,
"Oh, you deserve better."
168
00:06:22,316 --> 00:06:23,248
And then I died.
169
00:06:23,250 --> 00:06:24,750
Well, sex is
overrated.
170
00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:25,917
Stay out
of this, Joe.
171
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:27,152
All right, look,
forget the party.
172
00:06:27,154 --> 00:06:28,854
We got a more
important mission now.
173
00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:32,824
Your 2,000-year-long cold streak
is about to come to an end.
174
00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:34,559
What do you mean?
175
00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:37,763
I'm saying, Jesus, we are gonna
help you lose your virginity.
176
00:06:37,765 --> 00:06:39,231
(squeals)
177
00:06:39,233 --> 00:06:40,766
God, I love sex!
178
00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:48,707
All right, me and
the guys are off
179
00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:50,275
to help Jesus lose
his virginity.
180
00:06:50,277 --> 00:06:52,544
Just put it in the oven
for half an hour at 350.
181
00:06:52,546 --> 00:06:53,712
What?
I don't know.
182
00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:54,846
That's what you
always say
183
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:55,914
when you leave
the house.
184
00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:57,416
Oh, Peter,
just be careful.
185
00:06:57,418 --> 00:06:59,384
Losing your virginity
is a big deal.
186
00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:01,453
I'm sure Jesus doesn't want
some gross quickie.
187
00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:03,455
No, no, no, it's gonna
be nothing like that.
188
00:07:03,457 --> 00:07:05,557
Just some random slut
to maul in a bar
189
00:07:05,559 --> 00:07:07,058
back where the
payphones used to be.
190
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:08,960
Peter, that's
what I'm talking about.
191
00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:10,595
You're making
this whole thing crude.
192
00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:12,230
It's his first time.
193
00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:13,598
You need to be
more sensitive.
194
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:14,900
Don't worry, Lois.
195
00:07:14,902 --> 00:07:16,568
I swear, I'll be
sensitive and gentle.
196
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:19,271
Like the Tasmanian Devil
tucking in his kids.
197
00:07:19,273 --> 00:07:22,607
(soothing Tasmanian Devil
gibbering)
198
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:32,884
(gibbering)
199
00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:42,828
All right, Jesus,
200
00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:44,262
these speed date nights
are the best way
201
00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:45,964
to meet a lot of chicks fast.
202
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:46,998
Now go get 'em.
203
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,400
So, where
do you live?
204
00:07:48,402 --> 00:07:50,068
Everywhere, all places.
205
00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:51,403
Hopefully, inside you.
206
00:07:51,405 --> 00:07:52,437
(buzzer sounds)
207
00:07:52,439 --> 00:07:53,905
This is kind of
embarrassing,
208
00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:55,474
but are you okay
with someone who smokes?
209
00:07:55,476 --> 00:07:57,108
Oh, yeah.
210
00:07:57,110 --> 00:07:58,510
A-Are you okay with someone
who wanders the desert,
211
00:07:58,512 --> 00:07:59,744
lecturing people
on how to act?
212
00:07:59,746 --> 00:08:00,812
(buzzer sounds)
213
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,080
So, are you having
a good Friday?
214
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:03,515
Oh, is that supposed
to be funny?
215
00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:04,583
Shut your mouth, bitch.
216
00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:05,650
(buzzer sounds)
217
00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:07,252
How's the wine?
It's terrific.
218
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:08,587
That's my blood,
you know.
219
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:09,621
(buzzer sounds)
220
00:08:09,623 --> 00:08:11,356
Where are you from?
Israel.
221
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:12,557
(buzzer sounds)
222
00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:15,994
All right, Jesus,
223
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,662
nowadays, everything is done
on the Internet.
224
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,664
All right? So, we got
to get you on Facebook.
225
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:21,933
Uhp, let me just close
a couple of these windows.
226
00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:23,301
There we go.
227
00:08:23,303 --> 00:08:24,870
Sorry, I was up late last night.
(chuckles)
228
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:26,271
Had the house to myself.
229
00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:27,706
Sorry. Sorry.
230
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,140
Lot of POV stuff.
231
00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:31,209
Yeah, I like to pretend
it's mine down there
232
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,811
what's doing all the slapping.
233
00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:35,380
Peter, how old
is that girl?
234
00:08:35,382 --> 00:08:37,115
Excuse me, won't you?
235
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:11,883
Arr... lot of scumbags
out today.
236
00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:17,522
Well, no luck getting
Jesus laid yet.
237
00:09:17,524 --> 00:09:18,924
I don't get it.
238
00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:20,725
Jewish guys are supposed
to be swimming in tail.
239
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:23,862
Peter, Jesus is never gonna find
a woman going about it your way.
240
00:09:23,864 --> 00:09:26,097
I think it's time I had
a little talk with him
241
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:28,066
so he knows what
a woman really wants.
242
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,601
All right,
knock yourself out.
243
00:09:29,603 --> 00:09:31,903
Don't look! Don't look!
Don't look!
244
00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:38,076
Jesus, I asked you
to lunch
245
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:40,445
because I think you've
been getting bad advice
246
00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:42,280
about finding
a special someone.
247
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:43,949
Well, Peter's been
doing his best,
248
00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:46,217
but lately he seems more
focused on marketing
249
00:09:46,219 --> 00:09:48,086
his erotic
Advent calendar.
250
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,755
All right, kids, let's see
what's under Christmas...
251
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:53,191
Ugh, another puckered anus.
252
00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:54,559
Look, Jesus,
253
00:09:54,561 --> 00:09:56,861
just forget whatever
Peter's been telling you.
254
00:09:56,863 --> 00:09:58,697
You just have
to be yourself
255
00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:01,232
and let a sweet girl
see that side of you.
256
00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:03,468
Well, you're easy to talk to.
257
00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:05,770
I just get all tongue-tied
with other girls.
258
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:08,306
Plus, being myself
isn't that impressive.
259
00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:09,574
What do you mean?
260
00:10:09,576 --> 00:10:11,109
You're sensitive,
261
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,311
you died for our sins
and ascended into Heaven,
262
00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:14,746
and you got nice skin.
263
00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:17,215
Don't be afraid
to be honest with a girl
264
00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:18,416
and show her who you are.
265
00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:20,151
Wow, thanks, Lois.
266
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:22,921
That's the second best advice
anyone's ever given me.
267
00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:24,155
I don't know, man.
268
00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:26,157
Jesus Hitler Christ
sounds weird.
269
00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:28,560
So just go with "H"?
Yeah.
270
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:34,065
All right, guys,
let's not get discouraged, okay?
271
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:36,835
We just got to be more creative
about getting Jesus laid.
272
00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:39,571
I just tell folks to go down
to the Happy Handy Smile Massage
273
00:10:39,573 --> 00:10:41,072
and get it over with.
274
00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:42,440
I sometimes go down there,
275
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:44,442
and when they tell me
I'm done, I leave.
276
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:46,077
Hey, guys. Uh, Peter,
277
00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:47,946
can I talk to you
for a sec?
Sure.
278
00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:49,581
Peter, listen.
279
00:10:49,583 --> 00:10:52,350
I've found the woman who I'd
like to lose my virginity to.
280
00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:54,085
It's someone
who understands me
281
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:55,754
and someone I feel
very close to.
282
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:57,188
Oh, wow.
Jesus, that's great!
283
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:58,823
Hey, is it
Carrie Underwood?
284
00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:00,659
Somebody told me you
guys went out once.
285
00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:03,361
Yeah, we did.
But it was a disaster.
286
00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:04,763
Jesus, take the wheel.
287
00:11:04,765 --> 00:11:05,997
What?
288
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,832
I want to kill
these (bleep) cops!
289
00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:09,434
(siren wailing)
290
00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:12,871
Actually, Peter, I want
my first time to be with...
291
00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:13,972
Lois.
292
00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:16,041
Lois, my partner
at the law firm?
293
00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:17,609
No, Peter. It's your Lois.
294
00:11:17,611 --> 00:11:19,110
Lois Griffin.
295
00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:21,713
What?! I am outraged!
296
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:23,048
But probably not as outraged
297
00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:25,550
as the ten million
Christians watching.
298
00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:27,619
Please write
to this address quickly.
299
00:11:27,621 --> 00:11:30,288
Maybe we can both stop
these Hollywood Jew writers
300
00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:32,957
from wrecking my marriage
and your religion.
301
00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:40,732
You want to lose your
virginity to Lois?!
302
00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:42,000
No way!
303
00:11:42,002 --> 00:11:43,735
Look, Peter, I know
it's a lot to ask.
304
00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:45,837
But if it wasn't okay,
I wouldn't suggest it.
305
00:11:45,839 --> 00:11:47,372
Well, you make
a good point.
306
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,474
But this is my wife
you're talking about!
307
00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:50,909
Please, Peter?
308
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:52,711
I just know Lois would
make my first experience
309
00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:54,713
as special and memorable
as it should be.
310
00:11:54,715 --> 00:11:57,015
Plus, I can make it
worth your while.
311
00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:58,750
After all, I'm Jesus.
312
00:11:58,752 --> 00:12:00,685
I could give you
anything you want.
313
00:12:00,687 --> 00:12:01,986
Anything?
314
00:12:01,988 --> 00:12:04,189
Like... like anything
in the universe?
315
00:12:04,191 --> 00:12:05,223
Absolutely.
316
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,357
Brookstone massage chair.
317
00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:07,358
Really?
318
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:08,893
Are-are you sure?
319
00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:11,162
Yup. Never been more sure
of anything in my life.
320
00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:12,764
Well, except one thing.
321
00:12:12,766 --> 00:12:14,065
Good evening, sir.
322
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,500
Would you like to
hear our specials?
323
00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:17,635
No! Pizza!
324
00:12:20,941 --> 00:12:22,440
Let me get
this straight.
325
00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:25,376
You want me to have
sex with another man?
326
00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:26,845
Oh, not just any man, Lois.
327
00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,379
This is Jesus
we're talking about.
328
00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:29,581
He's a savior.
329
00:12:29,583 --> 00:12:31,082
He could even save
our marriage.
330
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,418
Why? What's wrong
with our marriage?
331
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,186
"What's wrong
with our marriage?"
332
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:37,222
You're sitting around, talking
about sleeping with other guys!
333
00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:39,023
Peter, this was
your idea!
334
00:12:39,025 --> 00:12:40,925
Lois, let's not play
the blame game.
335
00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:43,027
Clearly, there's been a lot
of cheating on both sides,
336
00:12:43,029 --> 00:12:45,296
but the point is
where do we go from here?
337
00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:46,631
Huh, I don't know.
338
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:48,900
Sleeping with Jesus
just feels wrong.
339
00:12:48,902 --> 00:12:51,636
Doesn't the Bible say not to
covet thy neighbor's wife?
340
00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:52,871
Oh, come on, Lois,
the Bible's
341
00:12:52,873 --> 00:12:54,272
just a bunch
of general guidelines.
342
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,974
None of the commandments
are written in stone.
343
00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:57,475
You're really
okay with this?
344
00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:58,777
Of course.
345
00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:00,545
Look, there really is
no downside to this.
346
00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:03,715
It's one of those things that
seems bad, but really is good.
347
00:13:03,717 --> 00:13:06,684
Like that fracking company
we let drill in the backyard.
348
00:13:07,788 --> 00:13:10,088
Well, I guess
it is kind of an honor
349
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:13,758
that out of all the people
in the world, Jesus chose me.
350
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,460
I mean, he could've had anyone.
351
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:19,297
Elizabeth Perkins, Patricia
Richardson, Katey Sagal...
352
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:21,733
Yeah! I-I mean, maybe not them,
but somebody else.
353
00:13:21,735 --> 00:13:24,769
And-and the Son of God's
first time should be special.
354
00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:26,838
Even divine.
355
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,140
Maybe I'd actually be
doing a good thing.
356
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:31,242
You sure about
this, Peter?
357
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:32,510
You bet.
358
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:35,180
As sure as I was
when I created Lady Gaga.
359
00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:37,182
All right, listen, fella,
your game is confusion.
360
00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:38,483
Zip! Zam! Zoop!
361
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:40,585
Nobody gets a straight
look at nothing!
362
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:47,025
Boy, this must be
killing you.
363
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,193
You're an atheist,
364
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:49,627
and the one guy
you don't believe in
365
00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:51,429
is getting to bang
the woman of your dreams.
366
00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:54,165
You know what? I don't have
to sit here and take this.
367
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,100
I'm out of here.
368
00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:59,637
Can-can you let me outside?
369
00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:01,539
(doorbell rings)
370
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,107
Hi, Peter.
371
00:14:03,109 --> 00:14:04,809
Well, hello, young man.
372
00:14:04,811 --> 00:14:06,311
Don't you look nice?
373
00:14:06,313 --> 00:14:08,012
She's almost ready.
374
00:14:09,683 --> 00:14:13,318
♪ There she goes ♪
375
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:17,488
♪ There she goes again ♪
376
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:21,359
♪ Pulsing through my veins ♪
377
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:24,329
♪ And I just can't contain... ♪
378
00:14:24,331 --> 00:14:26,464
I'm sorry, I was just
coming down the stairs
379
00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:28,533
at the same time.
380
00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:34,806
Wow, Mom.
You look beautiful.
381
00:14:34,808 --> 00:14:36,241
Well, we know he's circumcised,
382
00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:38,176
so she won't have to deal
with that nonsense.
383
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:40,144
Oh, and don't worry
about not hitting bottom.
384
00:14:40,146 --> 00:14:43,548
I've only grazed it once and
that was with a running start.
385
00:14:46,753 --> 00:14:48,920
Hey, Jerome, give me
another Pawtucket Pat.
386
00:14:48,922 --> 00:14:52,056
I'll take it over here
on my Brookstone massage chair.
387
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:53,758
That's a nice
chair, Peter.
388
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,994
Hey, do you think if I let
Jesus sleep with Bonnie,
389
00:14:55,996 --> 00:14:57,996
he'd give me back
the use of my legs?
390
00:14:57,998 --> 00:15:00,331
Joe, I don't speak for Jesus.
I just get him trim.
391
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:03,668
Now to take this thing
out for a spin.
392
00:15:03,670 --> 00:15:05,370
(chair vibrating)
393
00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:07,572
(sighs)
394
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:14,746
(birds squawking)
395
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:20,952
Ah, time for a relaxing,
sponsored daydream.
396
00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:28,693
Oh, Jesus!
397
00:15:28,695 --> 00:15:31,562
Jesus! Jesus!
398
00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:33,064
(screams)
399
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:34,933
God, I love
massage chairs.
400
00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:36,234
Are you in one, too?
401
00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:37,969
Yes, but it's horrible!
402
00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:40,738
It was bought for me by Jesus,
but now he's doing my wife!
403
00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:43,708
Oh. I'm just trying
mine out in the store.
404
00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:47,245
Guys! I think I might've
made a terrible mistake
405
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:49,080
with this whole
Lois and Jesus thing!
406
00:15:49,082 --> 00:15:50,581
I don't blame you, Peter.
407
00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:52,784
I always thought it was
sort of a strange choice
408
00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:55,753
to let Jesus have
relations with your wife.
409
00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:58,890
I'm sorry, did you say Jesus
is sleeping with your wife?
410
00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:00,158
Great, now everybody knows
411
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,293
my wife is taking
Jesus's virginity.
412
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,662
Listen, pal,
Jesus ain't no virgin.
413
00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:06,931
He did the same thing
to me last Christmas.
414
00:16:06,933 --> 00:16:08,132
He what?!
415
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:09,567
Yeah, Jesus did
the same thing
416
00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:11,336
to my wife
Christmas before last
417
00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:13,504
and my buddy's wife
the year before that.
418
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:14,572
What the hell?
419
00:16:14,574 --> 00:16:16,174
But he's so lonely.
420
00:16:16,176 --> 00:16:18,509
Nah, he just acts lonely
and lies about being a virgin
421
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:20,411
so he can get with guys' wives.
422
00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:22,246
Did he show you
that sad little apartment?
423
00:16:22,248 --> 00:16:23,815
He doesn't really live there.
424
00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:26,517
He just uses it to store art
he bought on cruises.
425
00:16:26,519 --> 00:16:28,686
Oh, my God, what have I done?!
426
00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:30,521
Peter, maybe there's still time!
Maybe you can stop them!
427
00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:31,990
Where are they?
428
00:16:31,992 --> 00:16:33,858
They're at the Barrington Hotel!
Let's go, guys!
429
00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:36,661
I just ordered nachos,
but good luck, Peter.
430
00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:40,631
Now for a slippy, no-boots run
through the snow to my car.
431
00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:42,867
(gasping)
432
00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:55,813
(screams) Aw, crap!
433
00:16:55,815 --> 00:16:57,682
I just pulled
a thousand muscles!
434
00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,917
(grunting)
435
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,126
(screams)
436
00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:10,361
(grunting)
437
00:17:12,298 --> 00:17:13,865
Ow! That was a loud crack!
438
00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:15,466
Ah, yeah, that was all bone!
439
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:17,468
Oh! Aw! Son of a whore!
440
00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:19,570
Oh, this is bad.
This is real bad.
441
00:17:19,572 --> 00:17:21,706
I'm not gonna go
to the doctor though.
442
00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:24,308
(ignition sputters)
443
00:17:24,310 --> 00:17:25,610
Damn it!
444
00:17:26,679 --> 00:17:28,513
(tires screech)
445
00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:30,181
Get out!
I need this car!
446
00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:31,582
What are you, a cop?
447
00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:34,218
No! Jesus is about to
have sex with my wife!
448
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,187
Oh, then here! Take it!
449
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:37,822
Get out!
I need this car!
450
00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:39,323
So do I!
451
00:17:39,325 --> 00:17:41,159
Jesus Christ is about
to have sex with my wife!
452
00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:43,661
Lenny Kravitz is about
to have sex with my daughter!
453
00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:45,063
Oh! Oh, my God!
454
00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:48,232
Here, take the car!
Take the car!
455
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:49,500
Get out of here!
What are you doing?!
456
00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:51,569
Go, go, go!
457
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:53,905
Hey, kid, I need
that toboggan!
458
00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:56,441
Jesus Christ is gonna
have sex with my wife!
459
00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:58,109
Um, okay.
460
00:17:58,111 --> 00:17:59,877
And I need
your little hat.
461
00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:02,046
And those Spider-Man mittens--
I'll need those, too.
462
00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:04,215
And what's in
your pockets?
463
00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:06,918
A rabbit's foot, a penknife,
a bottle cap, a compass...
464
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,153
All of it, all of it.
465
00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:17,762
(car horn blares)
466
00:18:20,366 --> 00:18:22,700
Aw, crap. I'm out of hill.
467
00:18:25,038 --> 00:18:26,637
You there! Boy!
468
00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:28,106
What does that sign say?
469
00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:30,041
I ain't much
for book reading, sir.
470
00:18:30,043 --> 00:18:32,710
But I seen our Lord and Savior
bring a lady in there
471
00:18:32,712 --> 00:18:34,645
for a Christmas rodgering,
I did.
472
00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:35,713
You're a good boy.
473
00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:37,148
Here's a goose.
474
00:18:37,150 --> 00:18:38,950
(goose honks)
475
00:18:40,086 --> 00:18:41,652
What room is Jesus in?
476
00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:43,321
What room is
Lenny Kravitz in?
477
00:18:43,323 --> 00:18:45,590
Aw, you were coming here, too?
We could've carpooled.
478
00:18:45,592 --> 00:18:47,225
(elevator bell dings)
479
00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:49,393
Lois! Lois!
480
00:18:49,395 --> 00:18:51,062
You son of a bitch!
481
00:18:51,064 --> 00:18:53,164
What have you done
to my marriage?!
482
00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:54,398
Peter?
483
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:55,633
Lois, don't do this!
484
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:58,136
I think I had, like,
a Christmas miracle.
485
00:18:58,138 --> 00:19:00,338
I realized I don't
want other people
486
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:02,340
humping my wife
for a chair.
487
00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:03,608
It's okay, Peter.
488
00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:04,675
Nothing happened.
489
00:19:04,677 --> 00:19:05,776
It didn't?
490
00:19:05,778 --> 00:19:07,745
No, I couldn't
sleep with him.
491
00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:09,480
Not that I wasn't tempted.
492
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:12,416
He put actual strawberries
in a glass of champagne,
493
00:19:12,418 --> 00:19:15,520
which was about the classiest,
sexiest thing I'd ever seen.
494
00:19:15,522 --> 00:19:16,621
But...
495
00:19:16,623 --> 00:19:18,956
I couldn't go through with it.
496
00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:21,726
Our marriage is
too important to me.
497
00:19:24,097 --> 00:19:25,496
I love you, Lois.
498
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:28,699
I don't know what
I was thinking.
499
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:32,637
But you!
You're a liar, Jesus!
500
00:19:32,639 --> 00:19:34,705
Bravo, Peter, Lois.
501
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:38,109
Seems like you folks learned
the lesson I intended.
502
00:19:38,111 --> 00:19:39,277
What lesson?
503
00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:41,179
Oh, you know, uh...
504
00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:44,215
that, uh, this holiest
of days is about,
505
00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:46,817
uh, appreciating...
506
00:19:46,819 --> 00:19:51,822
our loved ones and, uh,
resisting... temptation.
507
00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:53,958
Oh, so it was a test.
508
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,994
Like when your father told
Abraham to sacrifice Isaac?
509
00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:58,162
Yes! That!
510
00:19:58,164 --> 00:19:59,997
That's exactly right!
511
00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:02,200
Uh, well, I can see
my work here is done.
512
00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:04,969
Well taught, Jesus.
Well taught.
513
00:20:04,971 --> 00:20:06,337
Yeah, I guess.
Who cares?
514
00:20:06,339 --> 00:20:09,540
I'm not even real.
Merry Christmas.
515
00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:16,480
Well, Lois, I'm sure glad
516
00:20:16,482 --> 00:20:18,149
you didn't have sex
with the Messiah.
517
00:20:18,151 --> 00:20:19,417
Me, too, Peter.
518
00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:21,686
Now let's open
your presents, kids.
519
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:24,188
Oh, Rupert, you're
such a sneak.
520
00:20:24,190 --> 00:20:26,057
I wonder what it is.
521
00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:30,695
Oh. A Joni Mitchell CD.
522
00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:33,764
"To continue your
emotional education."
523
00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:35,199
That's great.
(chuckles)
524
00:20:35,201 --> 00:20:36,767
That's really great.
525
00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:40,071
Could you excuse me
for just one moment?
526
00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:42,773
♪ I've looked at clouds
from both sides now... ♪
527
00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:45,710
Who did he buy
the necklace for?
528
00:20:45,712 --> 00:20:47,912
I'm gonna let that teddy bear
go all the way.
529
00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:51,182
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org36067
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof