Original subtitles

(DRUMS: ROCK BEAT)

Like, wow. Like, crap. Last year I was a high school brat.

But now I'm here. Hope I'm the one you pick to cheer!

Fantastic! I'm sorry. What?

Oh, nothing. Don't let me slow you down. It's just... Well, you're a surprise.

How do you mean? You have great spirit.

But just a tad more volume, if you would.

I apologize. Continue.

Like, whoo. Like, whee. I'm at the university.

I'm psyched. I'm here. Hope I'm the one you choose to cheer.

I yell real loud and make the Stingers super proud!

Brilliant!

My dear, you are wonderful... cheer genius personified.

A real individual.

I'm joking, you spaz!

Pardon me? That was a cheer?

That was the most boring, unoriginal, biggest piece of crap I've ever seen!

You suck! (GASPS)

(CACKLING) (WHIMPERING)

(CACKLING CONTINUES) (SCREAMING)

Mom, where are we? Where are you, dear?

You finally made it. You're in college.

(CHATTERING)

Oh, man!

(TECHNO)

(HIP-HOP)

C-Come on The big game is just about rockin'

(CHATTERING)

Hi. Can you guys tell me how to get to Bancroft Hall?

Hi. Can you tell me how to get to...

Hi, girls. Can you guys tell me how to get to Bancroft...

Excuse me!

Hi. It's where some of the cheerleaders are staying.

Um, I'm trying out for the team.

You girls don't cheer, do you?

First of all, it's women, not girls.

Oh. Second, um, we do neo-modern ballet.

We don't wave pom-poms.

And third, we can't direct you to Bancroft Hall,

because Nathaniel Bancroft was a slave owner and an imperialist!

Okay. Thanks.

Appreciate it.

You're not giving up already, are you? Monica!

(BOTH GIGGLING)

First day of college, I'm already saving my roommate.

You did not have to save me. I have been saving...

your butt ever since cheerleader camp.

Have not!

Really? I remember a time...

a spotter was out of position and one of our cheerleaders...

was gonna do a face-plant.

Who was that cheerleader again? Okay. Okay. I get it.

(LAUGHING) I think the score is Monica, two. Whittier, zero.

And... Bancroft Hall is this way.

Did you know that Nathaniel Bancroft was a slave owner...

and an imperialist? Our room has a ceiling fan.

MAN: As well as paint balloons, panty trees,

super-gluing faculty doors, releasing lab animals...

and most important, I'd like to remind you...

that if you must...

urinate,

please... do it in a toilet.

Do not... I repeat... Do not urinate...

on an original manuscript of The Canterbury Tales...

located in the school library.

You writing this down? You'd think I wouldn't have to say that.

The Nutcracker is a patriarchal ballet.

Okay? The only good thing in The Nutcracker are the rats, and they die.

(GRUNTING)

Shakespeare. Hamlet? (CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)

"Euripidie..." Euri... Eur...

Euripides.

Lastly, we hope you take advantage of the many extracurriculars...

here at the university.

Although I must report we've had to cut funding...

to some of the more non-essential programs...

on campus such as the martial arts club,

the ballet society... (GASPS) Wha...

and the entire musical theater department.

MAN: That's a worthwhile program!

Fortunately, we haven't had to cut any money from our two prized programs...

the football team... That's right! (BARKING)

Yeah! and... your seven-time...

defending collegiate champion Stinger cheerleading squad!

Yea! Let's hear it for our heroes!

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

STUDENTS: (CHANTING) Tina! Tina! Tina! Tina!

Tina! Tina! Tina! Tina!

Tina! Tina! Tina! Tina!

Hey, everybody! I'm Tina Hammersmith!

(EXCITED SQUEAL)

Y'all ready to rock the body electric?

Ahhh! Let's get this party started!

Five, six, seven, eight!

(TECHNO POP)

GIRL: Whoo!

GIRL: Yeah! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! You go, girl!

CHEERLEADERS: Two, three, four...

Stingers in the house! We're on the attack!

That's right! Got no extra fat!

We don't eat Big Macs! It's gross!

Step to us! You might get smacked! TINA: Whacked!

We got more game than the man they call Shaq!

The moonwalk! The twist! The shake and bake! The what?

We can do it all right here at State!

Strap yourself in so your mind won't blow!

Sit back, relax and enjoy the show!

What's wrong with you people? Stop it!

Yeah! Stingers!

This is terrible. What do you mean "terrible"?

They're perfect. I know. That's what's terrible.

They are perfect.

Speaking of perfect. You ever checked out your own ass?

Whoa! Gross!

Just pay him no mind. No. No. I think we should pay him mind.

I mean, this... this man has a lot to say. I do.

I have a lot to say. He's a unique individual.

Very unique individual. With his own thoughts and ideas.

My own thoughts. My own ideas.

Who would never make a fool of himself. Never ever...

make a fool of myself. Even if he was blindly mimicking whatever I said.

Even if I was blindly... (LAUGHS)

Hey, punk. Be watchin' you.

Smart guy.

Thank you. No problem.

Belly ring? No belly ring?

It's a cheerleading tryout. They're going to be looking at your moves,

not your body jewelry. Oh, I know.

But here's my theory: if they concentrate on my belly,

they won't recognize if I mess up on my back handsprings.

Whit, you're not gonna mess up. I've seen your cheer skills.

They're for real.

Maybe for high school, but this is college.

And in college you have to be the poo.

Well, that shaggy boy at orientation sure thought you were the poo.

(GIGGLES) He was all on you like ugly on an Osbourne.

Him?

You think?

He did smile at me.

Mm-hmm.

But I can't lose my concentration. I've really got to focus on tomorrow.

I got to work on my cheer moves. Hit it, girl.

(ROCK)

(GIGGLING)

Before we begin, I want you to know that just by trying out today,

you're already a winner. (GIGGLING)

Unless, of course, you get cut. In which case,

technically you're a loser. (CLEARS THROAT)

(CAMERA WHIRS) So, go for it.

Okay, I'll start with a simple aerial.

No, I was thinking more of a front handspring,

back handspring, front handspring,

back handspring, back handspring,

front handspring, back handspring...

Okay! Give me an "S-S." Give me a "T-R." Err!

(MAN RAPPING)

(INDISTINCT)

(RAPPING CONTINUES)

That was awesome. So, do you got any good cheers?

I got something for ya. I got a little shout out. You got a what?

I got to give a shout out to all my people, baby! Whoo!

I'm flossin'! You can't see me. I got the ice.

It's just blindin' ya! Peace, and I'm out!

Back handspring, front handspring, cartwheel, back handspring, cartwheel...

(CONTINUES)

Give me an "S-S". Give me a "T-R".

I just screwed up again! Dang it! I can't believe it! No!

Just kill me right now! Bam! Haha! Please?

Front handspring, cartwheel, back handspring, back handspring, cartwheel...

Ooh.

Ohh, yeah! Oh, my God.

Thanks for coming.

(CAMERA WHIRS)

And lastly, Smith, comma, Whittier.

Okay. So... Wait.

What is it? That thing.

That shiny offensive thing... midsection.

Oh, that's my belly ring. Lose it immediately.

Okay. Sorry. (SCOFFS)

(RING RATTLES)

(ROLLS ACROSS FLOOR)

WHITTIER: Okay.

Um. (CLATTERING)

Okay. Are you ready? How about, are you ready?

I think so.

Here I go! Hit it!

(UP-TEMPO SCRATCH MIX)

(PANTING)

How's that? Thank you.

WOMAN: Sheila. TINA: Too fat.

Kenny. Too dorky.

Brenda. TOGETHER: Psycho!

Cindy. Snaggletooth.

Carol-Ann. Eczema.

It's called lotion.

Theo. Too gay!

Patrick? Not gay enough.

(CHUCKLES) And finally, Whittier.

She's okay. Okay? Marni, she's future head cheerleader material.

Memo, pink ink, we already have our future head cheerleader. Hi.

(CHUCKLES) The only difference being, she's cute.

Yeah, she's cute the way a smushed-up bug is cute.

Oh, and excuse me. Did you see her blond hair?

So fake! (SCOFFS)

Well, if that's not the pot calling the kettle blond.

Ohh! I was... I was born with dark roots.

Mm-hmm.

Well, anyway, I'd be all over her.

You know, if she had a schwinger. Maybe she does.

TINA: Enough!

You two bitches can catfight all night, but I'm the one that makes the decisions.

Until I do... you're dismissed.

Leave me.

Ow! (COUGHS)

No time for rest, cherub. Dean Sebastian.

I didn't know you were here. I've been here six hours.

Saw every last peppy pigtail that passed through this place.

Pretty ugly, huh? (CHUCKLES) Some were ugly.

Some were hideous.

While others were sublime.

I'm talking about State's next head cheerleader.

Smith, comma, Whittier.

Whittier can't be head cheerleader next year.

She's just a freshman. She's just good is what she is.

But the head cheerleader spot is reserved for Marni.

Tina! The State cheerleading squad has won...

seven consecutive national titles,

which over that time has tripled alumni donations...

and allowed me the life to which I am accustomed.

Just last year, I upgraded...

from an '88 Jetta to a 2003 Passat.

Wow. I'm not about to throw all that away...

over some brown-nosing mediocrity named Marni.

Whittier might have what it takes, but she's awfully raw.

That, dear, is why you must mold her.

Shape her. Twist her like Silly Putty.

If you make her half as great as you are,

the national title will stay here for years to come.

Remember the school motto... Whatever it takes.

I can't hear you. (STAMPS FLOOR)

Whatever it takes!

Welcome to the team.

(WHITTIER SQUEALING)

Welcome to the team.

(GIRLS SQUEALING)

Welcome to the... Oh, uh, this is a size four.

Is that gonna be too small for you? Kidding!

Kidding! Get outta here.

Welcome to the team.

Wait! This isn't a uniform.

These are towels.

You're very perceptive, aren't you?

But aren't I on the team?

Of course you're on the team. As a towel girl.

It's an honor.

How is it an honor?

(INCREDULOUS CHUCKLE)

Say there is no towel girl. Say Greg hoists Tina up into a cupie,

and there is no one to towel off his sweaty hands.

Tina slips. Tina falls and... and lands on her spinal cord,

and she spends the rest of her life doing watercolors with her teeth.

Do you want that to happen?

I guess not.

Hmm.

I didn't think so.

(CHATTERING)

Man, these colors are hype!

I am never taking this off.

Even after you're dead in the ground? Totally.

(BOTH LAUGHING) (LOCKER DOOR SLAMS)

Congratulations, my little pumpkins.

You have now joined the best of the best of the best.

Here's Marni with some light reading.

Now, study those rule books and wear those uniforms with pride.

People have given their ankles,

ligaments, collarbones...

in service to those very uniforms you have on your taut little bodies.

'Cause from here on out you must be the "bomb diggity."

You must eat leaner, train meaner, jump higher,

yell louder and out-pep anyone who stands in your way.

You must brush better, floss better, lather, rinse and repeat better...

In other words, you must be better in every aspect of your life.

Are you ready for all that?

Whittier?

Uh. Uh. Uh...

(UP-TEMPO POP ROCK)

I'm gonna catch you guys later. All right.

Is... (CLEARS THROAT)

Is everything okay up there?

Again. Four, five, six, seven, eight.

Is everything okay up there?

Hey, you're the orientation guy!

Yeah, Orientation Guy is my given name.

But, um, it's not my real name.

My friends call me Derek.

Well, hi, Derek. I'm Whittier.

Whittier? I like it.

It's nice.

Thank you.

You want to do something illegal? What?

Do you want to do something illegal?

MAN: Shut up!

Uhh. Okay.

Really?

What kind of girl are you?

(LAUGHS) Stop!

Whoa!

(GRUNTS)

No way. No.

You're a cheerleader. You get thrown three stories...

in the air every day.

Tina would kill me if I sprained an ankle.

Who's Tina? Our head cheerleader.

She's got rules against this kind of thing. It's all in the manual.

And you've gotta follow the rules.

Well, do you see Tina anywhere around here?

No.

(GIGGLES)

(DEREK GROANING)

WHITTIER: Sorry. Are you okay?

Are we allowed to be in here?

2:00 a.m.'s the only good time to swim.

The rest of the time, I'm working.

Where?

Well, I do work-study in the cafeteria.

Part-time in an audio store. Full-time as a student.

And the rest of the time as a mix-master.

What's a mix-master?

It's a turn-tablist.

What's a turn-tablist?

It's a D.J.

I knew that.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, hey. I'm not into you like that. I...

No, I didn't... I...

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Well, then I'm leaving. I'm out. Okay. Fine. Fine.

It's over.

Okay. Well, okay... (LAUGHS)

Why do you work so much?

I work so much...

because my dad wouldn't pay my tuition unless I declared premed.

And you didn't want to be a doctor, so...

So, I work.

Well, you know what they say about men who work too hard.

They become tired, boring...

and in the process they lose all their spontaneity.

Derek, are you tired?

No. You're boring! (GIGGLING)

You are boring.

Boring, my ass! (SQUEALS)

Whoo! (LAUGHS)

God, you look great under water.

Well, did I tell you I'm a cheerleader?

(LAUGHS) Yeah. I think we covered that.

Did we talk about your 10,000 part-time jobs?

Yeah. I think a while back.

Oh.

Well, was there anything else that we needed to cover?

Well, there was...

one thing I wanted to...

(WHIMPERS)

I gotta go.

Wait, wait, wait.

Don't you want to stay and,

you know, swim a little more?

I think my roommate might be getting worried about me.

Why would she be worried?

Because, you're turning me into a criminal.

Whit... Whittier, I could get hypothermia without you here!

(YELLS)

And five, six, seven, eight!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight!

One! Girls, put your hands on your hips.

Suzy, how about suckin' in the arm flab? Thank you.

Claire, sweetie, two eyebrows are better than one.

Think I gave you the memo. Oh, my God! Monica!

Time for some damage control on that ass!

For a minute there, I thought I was looking at a Hefty Bag

full of chili dogs! Ha!

Greg! How about the happy cheer face now, huh?

This is my happy cheer face.

That's not a happy smile!

That's a hate smile.

(WHISPERS) Is it that obvious, bitch?

All right. Pop-off on two.

One, two and... down.

(GRUNTING)

(SNICKERING)

(DRUMS: ROCK BEAT)

TINA: Five, six, seven, eight!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, again!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, again!

One, two, three, four... You suck so much, I can't stand you! Again!

Go! Faster, faster, faster, faster, faster!

Come on, you Sasquatch! Let's go!

Come on, Monica! Show me a herkie! Let's see it!

Let's see it! What is that?

Push. Push! (GRUNTING)

(STRAINING) This weight is a car,

and it is pressed on top of your mother!

Lift it off your mom!

(SCREAMING) Lift it off her! Lift it off her!

Too late. She's dead. (WHIMPERS)

TINA: What is this, a bowl of Jell-O I'm looking at?

Whit, that water is not from the French Alps!

Down for 10... And six and seven and eight!

(GRUNTING) (CRIES OUT)

You guys are looking so great today. (CHUCKLES)

I'm just kidding. You look like crap.

All right, Monica and Whittier, get ready for a pop-off on four.

Hey, you wanna do a cradle off the back?

You want to?

Yeah.

Ready? One, two, three, four.

(GIGGLING)

What the hell was that?

I asked for a simple pop-off! Was that a simple pop-off?

I'm very curious to know, Monica.

Was that or was that not a pop-off?

Settle down, Tina. We were giving the routine a little flavor,

a little individuality.

A little flavor? A little individuality?

(LAUGHS) Missy, you are no longer an individual.

All right? You are a very small, little minute part...

of a very big-ass machine!

And that machine has my name on it. You got it?

We're sorry.

Not good enough, Whittier.

Meet me in my office. 0800

Is that the address?

She's waiting for you. Come on, this way.

Tina, I'm really sorry about what happened in practice.

Shut the door.

Did you know that, um,

George W. Bush was a cheerleader in college?

Actually, I did.

Ronald Reagan was also a cheerleader. So was Dwight D. Eisenhower.

The three greatest presidents of the last 200 years...

all cheerleaders.

Was Ronald Reagan really one of the top three?

Top 40. My point is this.

From great cheerleaders come even greater leaders.

You may be a great cheerleader, Whittier,

but you are not a great leader.

I know, and I'm really trying hard.

See these portraits on the wall?

A 98-year tradition of cheerleading excellence at CSC.

Starting back with the remarkable Margaret Whiting in 1938.

What's she doing?

An arabesque.

You can't tell under the hoopskirt.

All the way up to the fantastic Hammersmith dynasty of today.

These are your sisters?

Yep.

They're all part of a grand legacy with no end in sight.

That last empty frame right there is reserved...

for the head cheerleader who will take our place...

our next leader.

Marni.

It could be Marni. (CHUCKLES)

Or it could be Greg. Whoo.

Or as I've been thinking lately,

it could be you.

Yeah, right.

I'm serious, Whittier.

But I completely messed up in practice.

I thought you called me in here to kick me off the team.

Oh, I haven't totally ruled that out yet.

I don't know. I just expect more out of you than the others.

Certainly more than your friend, Monica.

Monica was just messing around.

Wait till game day. She'll be perfect.

Oh, really? She's gonna be great on game day? Monica is a sinking ship!

To be a great cheerleader you have to make sacrifices.

And I suggest you start with her.

Do you mean not being friends with her?

'Cause we're roommates.

Listen, sweetie.

Being head cheerleader...

is a privilege you should very much want.

I mean, (CHUCKLES)

students have posters of me on their walls.

They pay hundreds of dollars...

320 to be exact... just to get my number.

They raffle off the right to carry my books to class. (LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLING) It's so silly.

Foreign exchange students literally...

beg to do my homework... straight A's.

All this could be yours. You could be the greatest thing on this campus...

the next me. (CHUCKLES)

Whoa.

But I don't know.

It's all a question of how bad you really want it.

I mean, for starters,

you're gonna have to shine at the home opener this weekend.

Literally millions will be watching you.

But most importantly, I will be watching you.

I'm tired now.

Handing out all those towels has made my arms feel like soggy Jell-O.

I'm too tired to point out how dumb that sounds.

Hey, guys. (GASPS)

Hey, Britney Spaz.

(GIGGLES) Why are you so happy?

Didn't Tina just rip you a new... I can't say what.

Actually... and, ladies, please keep this a secret,

Tina told me that if I work really hard...

and I play my cards right,

I could become head cheerleader.

Congratulations, Whittier!

Yeah, that's great!

You're not bummed are you?

No. I don't want to be head cheerleader.

I'm just flossin' my moves until I make it as a dancer on J.Lo's next tour.

I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

What?

Tina made a lot of sense in practice the other day.

There is a big difference between individual dance moves and... Oh, my gosh!

What?

There's over 680 calories in that. Not to mention 35 grams of saturated fat.

That must've been a real special talk you had with Tina back there.

Too bad your Jedi mind tricks couldn't fend off the dark side of the force.

Monica, if you want to be the bomb diggity,

you have got to act like the bomb diggity,

and Tina is the bomb diggity!

Did she just say, "bomb diggity" three times in one sentence?

(CROWD CHEERING)

P.A. ANNOUNCER: Your halftime score is Stingers, 17. Willowcrest, nine.

MONICA: No, I'm serious. We're the ones with all the pressure.

Pressure? No, girly, you don't know what real pressure is!

You see, I got to go out there first. Just me.

Solo. And if these 50,000 people don't buy into the whole illusion...

of who I am and what I represent,

you guys are toast!

Aren't you just a big bug?

Correction! I am a hunting wasp...

of the order hymenoptera, with a deadly venomous ovipositor!

Do you know what that is? Well, I'll tell ya!

It's a deadly stinger, bitch!

Bug!

Stay in the zone, Sammy. You stay in the zone.

Chest out! Ponytail, no. Up-do, yes.

Sweetie, no double earrings. You're a State cheerleader, not a State hooker.

(MIMICKING BEATBOX)

Go, go, go, Stingers

(BEATBOX)

Go-go, go-go-go Uh-oh, the Stingers

Remember, Whit. Head cheerleader.

What do you mean "head cheerleader"?

I'm the next head cheerleader. I am!

Focus on the performance.

I am not gonna focus on the performance! Focus!

No, I'm not gonna focus! I won't!

I don't mean that. Please don't hate me! Tina, please don't hate me!

Hey, I don't hate you, Marni.

Shut up!

(BEATBOX)

Sammy

(BEATBOX)

Here comes Sammy

P.A. ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

we ask you to turn your attention to the multi-champion...

Show time.

Stinger cheerleaders and their "Stingtacular" halftime show!

Yeah! Come on! Let's go!

Let's get it on, Stingers! Number one!

Number one! Yeah!

P.A. ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Sammy Stinger...

and your Stinger cheerleaders!

Let's go, Stingers! Whoa!

MAN: Hit it!

(TECHNO POP)

Turn the beat back Come on, turn the beat back

Turn the beat back

Come on Turn the beat back

Come on, turn the beat back Turn the beat back

Come on, turn the beat back Come on, turn the beat back Turn the beat back

Free, free Free-free-free

Let's go, Stingers!

(CROWD CHEERING)

ALL: Stingers! (CHEERING)

Let's go, Stingers!

Let's go, Stingers!

ALL: Ohh! Ho-ho!

Go back! Go back! Let's see it again!

Go, Stingers!

(LAUGHING)

One more time. One more time.

Tina, she's here.

Hey, baby.

CROWD: Way to go, Whittier!

MAN: (SHOUTING) Hey, Whittier!

Hi.

Whittier, right?

Jackson. Senior, with the Boxster out front?

I was wondering if...

We just saw the video, and we were like,

"That is the shizzle," and we...

Okay, okay, okay.

You two, hands off. This is my party, my cheerleader.

So, great facial on TV today.

Sticking your tongue out on camera, totally inspired.

You think?

O.M.G, it was T.D.F., F.Y.I.

Whittier, this is Todd. Starting wide receiver, 6'1",

3.2 G.P.A., runs a 4.6 forty.

4.5 forty.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

How ya doin'? Uh, good. (GASPS)

And it just doesn't happen. He said he was a good listener.

Hi, Marni.

Would you like an appetizer?

But he wasn't a good listener.

(MOUTH FULL) (INDISTINCT)

Here. How about a towel?

(CONTINUES)

(INDISTINCT)

(GRUNTS)

I'm sorry!

Sorry. Would you like an appetizer?

This is why I go to the trouble of hosting all these parties.

So guys like you can mingle with girls like you.

So mingle. Blaine!

Eh, really nice touchdown catch today.

Homeboy didn't want to play the rest of the game.

Got taken off on a stretcher. The quarterback's all staring at me.

I'm like, "Oh, boy, I'm gonna hit you so hard, your mama's gonna feel it!" Right?

We broke from the huddle...

Hi, Whittier. Would you like an appetizer?

I'm okay. Thank you.

How about a towel?

Then they motioned into a slot.

That's when I knew the running back...

was gonna do an up-and-under pattern behind the linebacker. And he's...

You know, that's... great, really.

Do you mind if for the next minute...

we talk about something other than football?

Uh, I'm sorry. It's my bad. I'm sorry.

Thanks.

So, Tina, um,

tells me you're a "C" cup.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Oh, dude, check out the brunette. Sweet!

Yeah, she's hot.

She was not gonna be head cheerleader. And...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Check out the blond right over there.

Where? Where? The dude right over there.

What do you mean, "dude"?

Hey, you know what? The one with the great legs!

I bet he could leg-press a mule.

Oh, man!

What?

Oh, you... You didn't know?

Listen.

I got nothin' against your kind of people.

It's just football rules. I gotta kick your ass now.

That sounds like a party.

You should know, though, I bench-press 220.

Whatever, dude. 235.

Can we talk? Now?

Pardon us. Thank you.

Yo! Dewey!

Okay, let's blow this joint.

Mon, Mon, Mon. Don't go yet. Whit!

We cheered on national television. This is our coming-out party.

Blue!

Hey, excuse me. Uh, I'm looking for a girl named Whittier.

She's about yea tall. She's blond, super-cute.

Well, look who it is, smart guy.

Why don't you say something smart, smart guy?

Yeah, okay. How about something foreign and exotic like adiós.

Hey, don't. Chill, big guy!

(SCOFFS)

God!

Besides, there are some good people here too, and they're here to celebrate us!

Yeah, they want to celebrate all over us.

(GASPS) Derek!

Hey, Monica. Hi, hottie.

I didn't think you were gonna make it. Yeah.

How'd you get past the goon squad?

Guile, cunning, cowardice.

(CHUCKLES)

(COOS)

You, scruffy boy.

Out. This party is exclusivo.

No, it's okay. He's with me. We're together.

Who's he?

This is Derek. He's a D.J.

(LAUGHS)

There are, like, 10,000 hot varsity football players inside,

and you're snuggling up to a D.J.?

How edgy.

What's wrong with a D.J.?

Honey, oh. There's a logical order to the college universe,

and the sooner you learn it, the better.

See, way up here at the top of the ladder are football players.

Right. They rule. Just underneath them...

are basketball players... smaller biceps but still desirable.

Then, soccer hunks, lacrosse studs,

fraternity presidents... ohh... fraternity keg-masters,

guys with cars with parking passes, guys with cars without parking passes...

kind of a waste of time...

MAN: Love your dress, Tina! Black Student Union activists...

Hey!... Bruce Lee fan clubbers,

lit-mag squares, pep-band dorks, um, film society toads,

campus ministers, school mascots...

and then, God, all the way at the bottom...

are campus D.J.'s.

One spot above cafeteria workers.

Actually, I work at the cafeteria too.

Oh, do you?

Tsk. That's hopeless.

Listen, Whit. Remember our little "discush" the other day?

You have to decide, are you with us...

or are you with him?

I'm sorry.

Derek, I...

Oh, I get it. Yeah.

Oops. But... I'll call you!

I can't believe you just did that!

Oh, she did the right thing. She stuck with the winners.

Excuse me? You think you're a winner because you got a bunch of idiots...

up your bomb diggity butt?

Excuse me?

Whittier!

Are you coming? Yeah.

TINA: What are you looking at?

WOMAN: What's her problem? MAN: Drama queen.

So Doc says if I sprain my hip-flexor one more time, I can kiss my herkie good-bye.

Hey, you guys. Hey.

Greg, can you help me stretch my hamstrings?

Yeah.

(SNAPPING FINGERS)

Look, about the party... On your feet.

Practice has started.

Today we're gonna work on manners and respect.

Because some of you don't know how to behave at a team function.

Some of you don't show proper manners to a head cheerleader.

Some of you don't show respect to the concept of team unity.

Come on.

Oh, good! Monica.

We'll start with you.

WOMAN: Here we go. What do you got?

Front handspring round-off, back handspring toe touch.

(SYNTHESIZED POP)

Stop the music! (STOPS)

Is that all you got?

And again! (RESUMES)

Round-off back handspring, back tuck.

Music stop! (STOPS)

And again!

Herkie!

Herkie! Herkie! Herkie!

Herkie! Herkie! Herkie! Herkie! Herkie! Herkie! Herkie!

(MONICA GROANS) Herkie! Herkie! Herkie! No one touch her!

(STOPS)

I'm not done yet, Monica! To be a real cheerleader...

Tina, give it a rest.

Not now, Greg!

I said give it a rest!

(EXHALES) Okay. All right.

(SIGHS) You're right. I should... I should... I should give it a rest.

Whittier, call out the steps.

What, me?

You heard me. That's what leaders do.

But Monica... Call out the steps.

Call them out!

No!

Listen, freshman.

I put you in that uniform, and I can take you right out of it!

Call the steps, or you're off the team.

Then I'm off the team.

Wh-What?

(NERVOUS GIGGLE) You heard me. I quit!

I quit too.

That's right. I quit too.

Greg, you'll lose your cheerleading scholarship.

That's right! I'm stayin' here,

but under a cloud of shame.

Tina.

You can have this back because it's supposed to show team spirit.

It's supposed to make us feel proud,

but I just feel guilty and stupid!

So you can have your skirt and your spankies and your top.

I'm out of here!

I need this to get home. I'll bring it back when it's dry-cleaned.

(MOUTHS WORDS)

Bye, Miss Bomb Diggity.

(HUFFS) She'll be back.

She's not coming back!

(SIGHS)

It's only Whittier.

Ice cream... Super Fudge Chunk.

No! Ice cream!

All right! Stupid.

(SPECTATORS YELLING)

(CHEERING)

Hey. Hey.

WOMAN: Run! Run! All right, take home! Take home!

(GROANS)

Our team sucks!

Whittier, quit worrying about the game...

and enjoy the sunshine.

The sun sucks.

Whittier, don't you know that the sun...

is nature's Prozac?

Do you really think the sun is gonna make me feel better...

about giving up the most important thing in my life?

No, but I'm out of real Prozac, so you're gonna have to deal.

I ruined my career as a cheerleader.

I ruined my relationship with Derek. I could've had a boyfriend.

I ruined my entire life!

Yeah, I feel better.

Anyone want to hit the library?

Ooh, I'll go with.

This place is starting to weird me out anyway.

Women's softball... I just don't get it.

(CHUCKLES) Whittier...

It'll be okay.

I know. Thank you.

You'll be fine, girl!

Trust me.

WOMAN: Come on. Let's go, Stingers.

(YELLING)

(CHEERING)

(GRUNTS)

WOMAN: Nice job. Nice way to take the base.

WOMAN: Batter up!

(RHYTHMIC HISSING)

(BELL TOLLING IN DISTANCE)

Come on, y'all. Let's hear it.

We got Stinger spirit.

Come on, y'all. Let's hear it.

We got Stinger spirit.

Come on, y'all. Let's hear it!

We got Stinger spirit.

Come on, y'all. Let's hear it.

We got Stinger spirit.

Come on, y'all. Let's hear it.

We got Stinger spirit.

(SUBDUED CHEERING)

Come on, y'all. Let's hear it. We got Stinger spirit.

Come on, y'all. Let's hear it!

We got Stinger spirit!

Come on, y'all. Let's hear it!

What's going on? We got Stinger spirit!

(CLAPPING) Come on, y'all. Let's hear it.

We got Stinger spirit. Come on, y'all. Let's hear it!

ALL: We got Stinger spirit!

Come on, y'all. Let's hear it.

We got Stinger spirit! Come on, y'all. Let's hear it.

We got Stinger spirit. Come on, y'all. Let's hear it.

We got Stinger spirit!

(CHEERING)

WOMAN: Yeah.

(WHISTLE BLOWS) Yes!

Number one! Number one!

(ALL CHEERING)

Let's go, Stingers! Let's go!

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Those are my girls! Go, Stingers!

MAN: Whoa! Whoa!

Monica! Monica!

I got it!

You got...

You got what?

We're gonna start our own squad.

Oh, shut up. No, no. I'm serious.

Our own squad. New and improved.

Shut up! No. For real! Come on! Let's go!

Are you sure you put the audition time on the flyer?

Yes.

Okay, because it was an hour and a half ago.

I put the time on there.

Okay. Well, what color paper did you use?

I already told you. Lemon yellow.

You should have used wild berry pink.

Wild berry pink always gets people to show up.

Why are you all up in my grille?

Do you see me asking what color markers you used for the big signs?

Black and gold.

With glitter?

No.

Whit, what is a sign without glitter?

That is why nobody showed up!

(DISTANT CHATTERING) Shh. Shh.

(CHATTERING CONTINUES) Do you hear that?

Someone's coming.

You ladies ready for my dope?

I don't know what that was.

Our new-and-improved squad lasted exactly 97 minutes.

Don't give up yet. I mean, maybe we'll find some talent.

Where? All the cheerleaders on campus are already cheerleaders.

Then I don't know.

It's not like we're gonna run into a group of people...

just spontaneously shouting out... cheers.

(PEOPLE SHOUTING CHEERS)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Yes! MAN: What do we want?

CROWD: Justice!

When do we want it?

ALL: Now!

MAN: And how will we get it?

By standing outside the dean's office...

(VOICES OVERLAPPING)

Sorry, what? I have no idea what you just said.

Who in the hell are these people?

It's the extracurricular groups...

the ones that lost their practice space when the dean took away their funding.

Justice!

Man, they got jacked.

And how will we get it?

By standing outside the dean's office...

(VOICES OVERLAPPING)

You guys suck.

First of all, I want to thank you guys all for coming here today to this...

What's the word I'm looking for? Hi.

Shit-hole?

Thanks.

It's the only place that we could find to meet. So, anyway...

(INSECT BUZZING)

Today we're starting a new cheerleading club on campus.

Why cheerleading, you say?

Because cheerleading is fun.

And it fosters school spirit.

And it also keeps you...

physically fit.

So, what do you guys say? Are you ready to cheer?

Yeah!

Yes?

Most of my pieces involve anguish... as a theme.

Do you have any cheers about anguish?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, we have one that goes like this. Ready?

Okay!

BOTH: That's all right! That's okay!

So that one kind of addresses the issue of anguish... kind of.

But other than that, not really.

(CLEARS THROAT) What about soliloquies?

Well, we don't really have...

And what about accents?

Because I am the master... of accents.

No. See, what we do is cheerleading.

Then I'm out. Me too.

No, no, no. Hold on because...

Hold on for one second.

Wait, you guys.

Something Whittier forgot... Hey. Wait.

Something Whittier forgot to tell you all is...

if we're good, we can go to nationals.

Now, if we go to nationals, we could win.

If we win, we get a check for $20,000.

Now, Penelope, you could use that money...

to rent rehearsal space.

And, Francis, you could mount up a production of Godspell

where everyone has a French accent.

Interesting.

Plus, we're gonna be a real squad too.

On our squad, you're gonna be able to do whatever you want...

do your own thing.

And if we're good,

we can stamp out the varsity cheerleading squad once and for all.

Where do we sign up? Right over there.

Oh, yeah.

I've been saving you since cheerleader camp.

You did not have to save me.

I think the score is now Whittier, zero. Monica, three.

Thanks.

(GIGGLING) Come on, silly.

This is so "ridic."

Do they actually think they're a real cheer squad now?

They're real cheerleaders in the same way that Joan Rivers has a real face.

We have to crush them.

We have to take their heads and grind them into the mud...

and then stomp on their backs and then drive over them with a Jeep Cherokee S.U.V.

Marni, geez. Take a pill of the chill variety, okay?

(SCOFFS) We don't need to do anything.

We cannot have a competing spirit squad on campus, Tina.

Trust me, they won't be a threat to us.

They're nothing but a support group for rejects and losers.

Besides... (CHUCKLES)

How 'bout that practice space?

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(GAGGING)

And right, left, clap.

Right, clap. Left, clap.

Come on, you guys.

Step left. Step right.

A little bit tighter, Penelope.

Little bit tighter. Stand back, woman.

I need at least a three to five-foot radius... Oh, my...

(ROCK)

When I rock like this rock like this

When I rock like this When I rock like this it's rhythm

Roll. Roll.

Rock like this Rock like this

When I rock like this When I rock like this it's rhythm

Follow me.

Good. Now try three claps into a high "V."

(GROANS)

(ALL GASPING)

Okay, guys. And five, six, seven, eight. (WHIMPERING)

Grab one, two... Down... Three, four... Up... Five, six. Good.

WHITTIER: Okay, stand up now. Good. MONICA: Stand up. Yeah.

Can you guys just turn around? Yeah. Face us.

WHITTIER: Hold your stomach. Squeeze your butt.

Don't look down. No, no, no. Good. Good. Great.

(GROANING) Catch me! (CRASH)

Okay. This is a basic pyramid.

Matthew, you'll take the wing position here. Yeah.

Got it.

Penelope, you're gonna swing around here...

and start your stunt there, okay?

I can't be an "O."

You can't be an "O"?

O's represent emptiness.

And by making me an "O," you're calling me empty.

That's insane. Okay?

Uh, O's don't represent emptiness.

They represent hugs. And X's are kisses.

Everyone knows that.

(SCOFFS)

WHITTIER: Up. Up. Lock your legs.

Good. Yes! Tighter.

When I rock like this

(CONTINUES)

Double base extension. Ready? Five, six, seven, eight.

BOTH: One, two and three, four. Up.

Good job. Bring in the legs. MONICA: Okay. You got it.

Don't look down.

Don't look down. No, no, no, no.

Hey. You know, I think I... (GROANS)

Rock like this Rock like this Rock like this

When I rock like this rock like this When I rock like this

Rock like this When I rock like this rock like this

Rock like this Rock like this Rock, rock, rock, rock

R-R-R-R-R-R-Rock

(ROCK)

(KNOCKING)

What's up, girl?

So what's going on?

What?

I said, "What's going..."

Sorry.

Sometimes

What?

I wake up early to say good-bye

What's going on?

Oh, not much. How 'bout you?

Well, we have this new cheerleading squad.

Yeah. So I heard. And we're improving.

We're just missing something.

We don't have any rhythm. You know, no backbeat to help us bring it all together.

But if we had a great D.J....

(CONTINUES)

Look, I got three jobs, this radio gig, two advanced lit classes...

I know it would mean a lot to Whittier.

(CONTINUES)

Look, she feels really bad about what happened.

She's looking for a way to reconnect with you.

(ENDING)

Hold on. I gotta intro this next tune.

That, my friends, was the bitchin' sound of The Promise Ring.

This next track is dedicated to all the guys out there

whose hearts have been ripped out of their chests

and devoured for breakfast by cute, peppy, social-climbing blond girls.

Give me a "Hey." Give me a "Ho." Give me a "I don't know you anymore."

I know it sucks.

(ROCK)

What was your question?

Forget it.

(MAN SINGING)

(INDISTINCT)

(CONTINUES)

Dear Lord, help us kick almighty ass today in our debut as a spirit squad.

Help us to perform the double back handspring into a back tuck as majestically...

as your only son Jesus would.

This is a big sporting event for us.

Guide us in leading this team to victory. Bring it in.

One, two, three!

ALL: Renegades!

Come on. Croquet.

(CHEERING) (CLAPPING)

FRANCIS: Croquet! Yes!

Come on! Croquet! Let's go!

Let's go, croquet! That's right!

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

MAN: Yeah. Come on, cricket!

Ready? Okay! Okay!

ALL: That's all right. It's croquet. We're gonna...

(VOICES OVERLAPPING)

Come on! Come on! Yeah! Let's go! Yeah!

Croquet! Number one!

WHITTIER: Let's go, croquet! Let's go!

That's right, croquet! Let's go!

MAN: Whoo! Yeah! Let's do it. All right.

WHITTIER: Let's go, croquet!

Let's go!

(ALL CHEERING)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

MAN: Hit that ball! Hit that ball!

Take that ball and hit it. What I say? Now whack it.

Yeah, now that's the ticket. Yeah, that's the ticket.

(VOICES OVERLAPPING)

Croquet! Come on!

Is, uh, all this noise bothering you, pal?

The noise I can take.

It's the suckiness that bothers me.

(SIGHS)

(ROCK)

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

(CONTINUES)

Hit it

(CONTINUES)

Hit, hit

Let's hit it!

WHITTIER: Five, six, seven, eight.

MONICA: Five, six, seven, eight.

Tell me what we need

Stinger pride Stinger pride

Tell me what we breathe

Stinger pride Stinger pride

Tell me what we bleed

Stinger pride Stinger pride

Tell me what we need

Stinger pride Stinger pride

Tell me what we breathe

Stinger pride Stinger pride

Tell me what you see

Stinger pride Stinger pride

Tell me what we need

Stinger pride Stinger pride

Hell, yeah!

Stinger pride Stinger pride

(CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

(CONTINUES)

(CONTINUES)

Cola beverage... diet.

Wipe the spittle.

They look foolish. I mean, really. What do they have?

They have enthusiasm.

So do we!

And they have the love of the crowd. Do we?

Don't even think that thought.

I'm just saying.

And I'm just saying... a person goes against his team,

and he could lose his cheerleading scholarship.

Let's go. We've got work to do.

TINA: Now, Greg!

(BELL TOLLING)

That herkie into a cupie just before we spread the rubber with it...

That was almost as moving as the helicopter landing in Miss Saigon.

Yeah. I... I know. For a moment there, at the end,

Yeah!

when we won, I experienced an emotion...

that I can only describe as moderate happiness.

How did you know where we were gonna be?

You told him?

Whittier, zero. Monica, four.

Thanks.

Your, uh, squad... is gonna have a real tough time winning nationals...

when, technically speaking, you don't exist.

(SCOFFS) Look around. I'd say we exist.

Who are you?

Shh... It's called a razor, scruffy boy.

You don't exist according to a little thing called Section Eight...

of the National Collegiate Cheer Association Bylaws.

Yeah. It states that, um, each university...

shall be represented by one... and only one...

O-N-E... cheer squad.

You can't do this to us.

So make like a Tom and cruise.

This is modern-day imperialism.

Boo freaking hoo.

Uh, you missed something, sweetie.

It does say that only one team from State can go to nationals.

Sí.

But it doesn't say which team.

That team could be us.

(HUFFS)

Even if all that is true, it doesn't matter.

Mm-hmm.

Varsity has been going to nationals forever.

That is not gonna change.

It just might.

Looks like we're at an impasse.

So how 'bout you and I just figure this out right now.

Where did you get that? That does not belong to you.

Ladies, we are not going to settle things this way.

There's only one honest, impartial person

on this campus who can judge who's right.

(MIMICKING IN FAST VOICE)

(MOUSY VOICE)

And while I admire your spunk, Miss Smith, this is a school built on tradition.

But...

And in this case tradition favors Miss Hammersmith.

I must say, Whittier,

there's a lot of good, honest wisdom behind what the dean has to say.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Sure.

But what about the rules? Nowhere in the bylaws does it say...

that it has to be the varsity team that goes to nationals.

Why can't it be us?

Well, sure. Legally, technically...

if you... squint your eyes just right... the rules say it could be you.

But we're talking about seven consecutive years

of cheerleading excellence here.

I'm not gonna put an end to that.

Miss Hammersmith will go to nationals.

With all due respect, Dean Sebastian,

I don't think that's a decision that will go over well with the student body.

How do you mean?

I mean, if you suppress our voices on campus,

you will be hearing from us in letters to the board of trustees...

not to mention the around-the-clock protestors

that will be outside your door.

Okay, okay, okay. We get it. What the hell do you want?

A competition in front of the whole student body.

Let them decide who's better, your team or mine.

Girl on girl. Hmm.

Winner goes to nationals.

(CLEARS THROAT) Listen, Whit.

We're good friends, right?

And as a good friend, I should caution you that such a competition...

could embarrass you severely.

It could destroy your already-fragile psyche.

Well, that's a risk I'm willing to take, Tina.

(GROANS) She can't do this, can she?

Actually, Miss Hammersmith, I think it's a splendid idea.

We'll have a competition.

What?

Thank you.

We'll have a competition in the field house...

this coming Saturday. What?

Wait. That's the day after tomorrow. (GIGGLING)

If you'll excuse me, ladies, I have a lunch date.

We can't be ready by then.

TINA: We'll be ready. Yes, you will.

This can't be happening.

Oh, yes, it can.

You're the one who asked for the competition. Good day.

Ready to back out yet?

Are you kidding me? After the way you treated us?

You know I used to look up to you?

But that was before I found out who you are.

An insecure "tanorexic."

Listen to me, you hobbit.

After this idiotic competition is over,

you'll be praying you were me.

You'll be finished as a cheerleader and finished here.

I will knock you so far down you'll be in the cafeteria...

with your edgy, freak of a boyfriend, putting grapes in the Jell-O molds.

Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.

Don't be all up in my Kool-Aid.

What does that mean?

(INSTRUMENTAL)

The Stingers hoops team won their first exhibition contest 72-54.

And the women's softball squad dropped both games...

of a doubleheader against State A&M.

And now it's time for the CSC News Eye On Sports.

On location is beat reporter Colleen Lipman.

Thanks, Colleen. The campus is in a frenzy this week,

thanks to the big cheerleading showdown in the field house this Saturday.

Go, go, go, go. Come on, you sissy!

COLLEEN: The varsity cheer team has been vigorously training for the event.

I'm totally not tired. Why are y'all so tired?

And State cheerleading legend, Tina Hammersmith, is confident about her team's chances.

This is nothing new to us. We've defeated some of the best...

intercollegiate competition ever assembled.

This amateur squad is just a speed bump...

on the way to nationals.

Excusez-moi One sec.

Let's go! I didn't say stop.

COLLEEN: How important is victory on Saturday?

Oh. It's very important. It's very important.

It... It's very important. This is very, very...

I... I cannot tell you how important this is.

It's a... It's pretty... pretty important.

Meanwhile, some people around campus...

are starting to dub the upstart competition as... the Renegades.

Head cheerleader, Whittier Smith,

insists her squad is ready to go.

We are definitely going to win.

We've got a great team, we've worked extremely hard and it's gonna be tough, but,

you know, Rocky beat Apollo Creed, right?

MAN: Uh, Whit, he lost. He what?

He lost. He lost to Apollo Creed?

COLLEEN: To train for the event, the Renegades have taken an unusual approach,

cheering for typically under-appreciated teams such as the diving team,

the bowling club and the fencing squad.

ALL: Stab him. Stab him. Poke him in the eye.

Run the sword through till his blood runs dry.

En garde!

Well, some people look at an impossible situation and ask why.

Others look at the same situation and ask, why not?

For the competition on Saturday,

I'm asking myself why.

Why bother? In a billion years we'll all be obliterated by a black hole anyway.

There you have it, Colleen. Back to you.

Thanks, Colleen.

Seven, eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

(ALL CHEERING) Yeah!

Shh, shh, shh.

You guys, we can't let anybody know we're in here. Really, really good job.

Don't leave any of your stuff.

All right.

Think we're ready?

Well, no one fell tonight. I'm pretty happy about that.

Um, Whittier, can I talk to you alone?

Yeah. Francis, what's up?

Uh, I'm gonna level with you.

I'm getting very nervous about tomorrow. Okay?

And I'm thinking about violating myself tonight.

It's an actor relaxation technique.

What I need to know from you is what does Whittier think?

Is that a bad idea, or...

Well, it really depends.

Uh, would you say violating yourself usually hurts you or helps you?

Oh, I'd say it's made me the actor that I am today.

Okay. Then I would say hold off.

Will do, chief. Okay.

Well, well, well. If it isn't the blond leading the bland.

Last minute cram session, kiddie kiddos?

Why don't you guys worry about your own team?

That's what a real leader would do.

Oh. Is that what a real leader would do?

A real leader wouldn't be practicing at midnight, Whit.

You can drill a loser all night long,

and in the morning, you still got a loser.

Put makeup on a pig... It's still a pig.

Oink, oink, oink, oink. (GIGGLES)

(GIGGLES)

You wanna hear our cheer for tomorrow?

We're ready, we're fit, we'll smack you like a little bitch.

Oh-ho. We're tough, we're lean, step to us and we'll get mean.

Hey, ho, you know. We'll put you on the flo'.

Dust off your spankies. Stand up and get some mo'.

Don't cry, don't pout, don't have yourself a cow.

You're gonna get whupped. Your mommy can't help you now.

(WOMAN GIGGLES) Come on. You can do better than that.

I can do better, bitch. Let's go.

Come on. Marni, chill.

Marni. No.

Get back here! We are not finished with this.

Hey, hey! Ow. Okay.

Watch the face. Okay, girls,

slap and tickle time is over.

Oh. Ow! (GRUNTS)

Oh! Right. There you go.

Ow. (GROANS)

Ow. Ow.

Little, uh, concealer will help that situation there.

(GROANS) Tina!

(BEEP ON P.A.)

WOMAN ON P.A: Paging Dr. Stateman.

(GROANS)

I'm fine, you guys.

Yeah? Can you hold me up in the air with three crushed metacarpals?

Of course. Ow! Shit!

We should just call Tina and forfeit.

Yeah, you know what. I don't think we have a choice.

I guess tomorrow I'll go back to doing Phantom of the Opera in my dorm room. Hmm.

Wait. Hold up, guys. Listen.

Tomorrow we are gonna go into that field house and get in front of those students.

And as sure as I'm standing here right now, I can assure you that...

that we might suck.

We might totally suck, but to a real cheerleader...

it doesn't matter if you win or lose. (DOOR OPENS)

It only matters if you try as hard as you can...

if you give it every ounce of spirit you've got.

So, what do you say?

Who wants to suck tomorrow?

You know what? If there's one thing I'm good at in this world...

it's sucking.

I'm in! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey.

Why suck if you could not suck?

Because we're missing Francis. It's gonna be hard.

Well, could you guys use a sub?

You're gonna lose your scholarship.

Yeah, well, whatever I lose in financial aid, I'll gain in testicles!

So I'm in!

(ALL CHATTERING)

MAN: Okay. All right.

Come on. Let's go. Twenty-five, 26, 27,

28, 29, 30.

More.

More.

More! Oh! Oh! Give me that! (GROANS)

(DANCE) Co... Come on

How are you feelin'?

I feel like I wanna smile.

Good! Hey!

Ow. Ooh. You ready to kick a little?

Bring it!

(MIMICKING BEATBOX)

I'm feelin' a little nervous A little, little nervous

(BEATBOX)

I really have to pee Really, really have to pee

Check. Check.

Check! (FEEDBACK)

Varsity!

TINA: Okay. Here we go.

Here, muskrat! Set! (GROANS)

Don't screw up. Pecs out.

Where's your water bra? I gave it to you!

Did you bleach your teeth? Did you shave? God.

Everybody, find your happy place.

Mmm.

California State College, are you ready for a showdown?

(CHEERING)

MAN: Colleen, we love you!

First up is your very own varsity cheerleading squad.

No! (GROANS)

Let's go! Go, go, go! Let's go!

WOMAN: Let's go! Let's go, Stingers! Go, Stingers!

(ALL CHEERING)

Go, Stingers!

WOMAN: Let's go!

Varsity! Varsity! Varsity!

Varsity! Varsity! Varsity!

Let's go, Stingers. Let's go!

(WOLF WHISTLE)

Tina! Tina! Tina! Tina!

Tina! Tina! Tina! Tina! Tina! Tina!

(CHEERING SUBSIDES)

Come on, you guys.

MAN: Come on, guys. Let's go!

MAN 2: Come on, guys.

MAN 1: Let's get this show started!

(DANCE)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Go, Sammy! Go, Sammy! Go, Sammy! Go, Sammy!

Go, Sammy! Go, Sammy! Go, Sammy!

Go, Sammy! Go, Sammy! Go, Sammy!

Go, Sammy! Go, Sammy!

(ENDS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(DANCE) Let's go

(CONTINUES)

Tina! Tina! Tina! Tina!

(CONTINUES)

(CONTINUES)

Oh, yeah Here we go

Here we go H-H-H-Here we go

(MOUTHING WORD)

Uhh, uhh Go, go, go, go, go

R-R-R-Raise your hands all up in the air

Raise your hands all up in the air

Raise your hands your hands, your hands

(CONTINUES)

Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Ooh, yeah we know it

We are the best (LIP-SYNCHING)

We, we We, we Are, are

The, the, the

Here we go Here we go Here we go

(CHEERING)

Yeah! Yeah!

Tina! Tina! Tina! Tina!

Tina! Tina! Tina! Tina! Tina! Tina!

Let's go! Number one!

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Let's do this.

(CHEERING SUBSIDES)

(ALL CHATTERING)

Next we have a new group.

Please welcome the...

quote, Renegades, unquote.

(CHUCKLING)

(GREGORIAN CHANT)

WOMAN: Nice outfits!

MAN: You guys suck!

(CONTINUES) MAN: Monks can't cheer!

(ENDS)

Welcome, ladies and gents of all ages.

Feast your eyes on a "cheergasm" like no man...

has seen before.

Hit it

(DANCE)

Yeah!

Ooh!

(CONTINUES)

Get crazy

(CONTINUES)

(INDISTINCT)

Crazy

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

MAN: Yeah! Whoo!

(CONTINUES)

Get crazy The heat is on

Get crazy Crazy, crazy, crazy

Stingers!

Yeah! Yeah! Whoo!

Ow. It's cool. Okay.

Yeah! Come on!

Yeah!

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK) (LAUGHTER)

(WOMAN YELLING)

SEBASTIAN: Damn kids.

MAN: Come on. WOMAN: Let's just do it.

Hi, everyone. I'm Dean Sebastian.

I want to thank both teams for putting on a really wonderful display.

It reminds me of my student days.

(ALL GROANING)

Of course, back in those days...

the cheers weren't quite as complicated.

Just tell us the winner, will you, please?

Okay. Thank you.

The winner, representing Cal State College...

at the National Cheerleading Championships...

MAN: Come on!

MAN 2: Come on!

(CROWD MUTTERING)

WOMAN: Let's go! Come on!

The Renegades! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

(SQUEALING)

(SOBBING)

You are so pathetic!

You're pathetic! I know you wax your butt!

Do you actually think your roots are natural?

You are not born with roots!

(GASPS)

(SQUEAKY VOICE) I was too!

You did it! I know!

(SHRIEKS) What'd you think?

You're right. You sucked.

(FRUSTRATED GROAN)

Janice. Towel. Immediately!

Marni. I quit. Immediately.

(GASPS)

Excuse me.

Oh. Hi.

Uh, I just wanted to say nice job.

(CLEARS THROAT) Your routine was good.

Inconsistent and a tad pedestrian at times, but good.

Wow. Thanks. I'm not exactly s...

On behalf of the administration and alumni

I wanna offer you and your team...

the full backing of the college.

You're our new varsity cheerleading squad.

It'll be a thrill to work with the new... bomb diggity.

Now if you'll excuse me, ladies, I have a lunch date.

(EXHALES)

So, we might need a sub for nationals.

Really? Wait. Wait.

You and me on the same team?

Of course, you'd have to audition first.

I don't audition.

Hmm.

Suit yourself.

But maybe I can come help you out, you know.

I'll have to check my "sched." I could bring Marni.

(SQUEALS) Or not. I never even really liked her anyways.

It's just, I was thinking Friday

we could get some "fro-yo," do some choreography.

You know, you guys.

TINA: Whittier, you have such great hair. I just... Who does your color?

Marker. Hmm.

Uh... S... I expect more... (GROANS)

Well, she's a sh... sinking ship.

MAN: Let's do that again.

Oh, my God!

You're a real tough cookie with a long history (LIP-SYNCHING)

Of breaking little hearts like the one in me

That's okay Let's see how you do it

Put up your dukes Let's get down to it

Hit me with your best shot

Why don't you hit me with your best shot

Hit me with your best shot

(GRUNTS)

Fire away

You come on with a come-on, You don't fight fair

But that's okay See if I care

Knock me down It's all in vain

I get right back on my feet again

Hit me with your best shot

Why don't you hit me with your best shot

Hit me with your best shot

Fire away

Who can settle this and judge it who's right.

Oh, yeah? Yes!

MAN: That's a cut. Almost had it.

(GIGGLES)

(GUITAR SOLO)

Hit me with your best shot

Why don't you hit me with your best shot

Hit me with your best shot

Fire away

Give me an "S-S." Give me a "T-R." Err!

(GRUNTS) You know I'm about to get twisted, baby!

Hit me with your best shot

It's really not coming off.

Fire away

Away!

Fire away

Yeah!

Fire away

WHITTIER: God, are you losing your drawers?

Sorry.

Fire away

And cut!

(ALL CHEERING)

You just wait till game day. She'll be perfect.

(IMITATING WHITTIER) Oh, she's gonna be perfect on game day.

Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.

Shh!

(DANCE) C-Come on

C-Come on

(HIP-HOP)

(MAN RAPPING)

(INDISTINCT)

(VOICE SKIPPING)

(RAPPING CONTINUES)

(INDISTINCT)

(CONTINUES)

C-Come on

Come on

(WOMAN VOCALIZING)