Original subtitles

Princess Love-A-Corn says...

Buy my 42 accessories.

I know that laugh.

Show yourself.

Well, well, well,

well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well.

Aren't you a sight for sore eye.

Stanford Filbrick Pines, my old pal.

Bill Cipher.

What do you want from me?

Oh, quit playing dumb IQ.

You knew I'd be back.

You think shutting down that portal

can stop what I have planned?

I've been making deals,

chatting with old friends,

preparing for the big day.

You can't keep that rift safe forever.

You'll slip up, and when you do...

Get out of here!

You have no dominion in our world.

Maybe not right now, but things change, Stanford Pines

Things change.

I have to warn them.

He's coming.

All right, Grunkle Stan's gotta have some decent board games.

Let's see, Battle Chutes and Ladder Ships,

Necronomicopoly, Don't Wake Stalin.

What's this? "What Could Go Wrong, the board game.

The last players who opened this box

never made it out alive.”

Well, I guess I know what we're...

This should take up the next 21 minutes.

Family meeting. Family meeting.

All right, Santiago.

You have 24 hours to get these pugs across the U.S. border.

Family meeting, family meeting!

No te preocupas. Vamos, vamos.

Ah, children. Come in, come in.

Ooh, mysterious scrolls and potions.

Are you going to tell us we're finally of age

to go to wizard school?

Is there an owl in this bag?

No. I can assure you, if there's an owl in this bag,

he's long dead.

Now tell me, children,

do either of you recognize this symbol?

- Bill. - You know him?

Know him? He's been terrorizing us all summer.

I have so many questions and theories.

Dipper's been pretty paranoid

since Bill turned him into a living sock puppet.

The important thing is, we defeated him twice.

Once with kittens, and once with tickles.

It was a lot more heroic than it sounds.

The fact that you've dealt with Bill

is gravely serious.

So how do you know Bill?

I have encountered many dark beings in my time, Dipper.

What matters is, his powers are growing stronger,

and if he pulls off his plans,

no one in this family will be safe.

Fortunately, there should be a way to shield us

from his mental tricks. A way to Bill-proof the shack.

All I have to do is place moonstones here, here and here,

sprinkle some mercury, and let's see,

I always forget the last ingredient.

Ugh.

Unicorn hair.

That's not, like, rare, is it?

It's hopeless.

Unicorns reside deep within an enchanted glade,

and their hairs can only be obtained

by a pure, good-hearted person who goes on

a magical quest to find them.

Grunkle Ford, can I please go on this quest?

I am literally obsessed with unicorns.

My first word was unicorn,

I once made my own unicorn by taping a traffic cone

to a horse's head.

Are you even looking at the sweater I'm wearing right now?

Not to mention that I'm probably the most pure-of-heart person

in this room.

- That's true. She has a point. - Can't argue there.

So can I go on a mission to get that hair?

Please, please, please. I'll give you my blood!

Very well, but it won't be easy.

- Take this, and this. - Ooh.

I haven't been in this dimension for a while.

It's okay to give children weapons, right?

Come on, dawg.

It's the cops. Gun it!

Candy, Grenda, Wendy, clear the afternoon.

So what are the odds she gets that hair?

Unlikely. I've dealt with unicorns before,

and if I had to describe them in one word,

it would be "frustrating."”

- So what are we gonna do about Bill? - Follow me.

Welcome to my private study.

The place where I keep my most ancient and secret knowledge.

Even your Uncle Stan doesn't know about this place.

Dipper, come along.

If we can't Bill-proof the shack,

we're gonna have to do the next best thing.

We're gonna have to Bill-proof our minds.

It's nice to finally be out on a mission.

Just us gals.

Forget the gal talk.

I'm here to meet, touch, and/or become a unicorn.

I hear, if you lick a unicorn's neck,

it tastes like your favorite flavor in the world.

Candy, I will make sure you lick that unicorn's neck,

because I care about my friends.

Honestly, I stopped believing in unicorns

when I was, like, five years old.

I'm just coming along to keep you kids

from walking into a bear trap.

Stop! This is the magic part of the forest.

Let's see, the gnome tavern is over there.

The fairy nail salon is over there.

It says to summon the unicorn,

one must bellow this ancient chant,

droned only by the deepest-voiced druids of old.

On it.

I bet you ten bucks nothing happens.

I'll take that bet.

The paintings airbrushed on the sides of vans were true.

Mother of mothers!

- Dream of dreams! - No way!

Eh, eh.

Hark. Visitors to my room of enchantment.

Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh. What's your name?

I am Celestabellabethabelle, last of my kind.

Come in, come in. Just take off your shoes.

I have a whole thing about shoes.

Uh-uh, I'm talking to all of you.

Celestabellabethabelle, we have journeyed far and wide.

About an hour.

On a mission to protect our family

with your magical hair.

This is your chance, Candy.

Lick the neck. Lick it.

Very well. To receive a lock of my enchanted hair,

step forth, girl of pure, perfect heart.

Presenting...

Mabel!

What?! You?

A unicorn can see deep inside your heart, child.

Ugh.

And you have done wrong. Wrong, I say.

I guess I do make fun of Dipper a lot.

And I did just shatter a window with a crossbow.

Your bad deeds make me cry.

Come back when you're pure of heart.

The exit is that way.

Shoes, shoes, take your shoes.

This isn't some... some... shoe store.

Hey, Mabel, don't let her get to you.

Yeah, I wouldn't trust a horse that wears makeup.

No, girls, she's right.

I used to be one of the sweetest people I knew,

but recently, I've been slacking

in the whole goodness department.

Well, today, we're gonna fix it.

From this moment forth,

I'm gonna do so many good deeds,

I'll have the purest heart in Gravity Falls.

That... that bird is fine.

So what is Bill exactly?

No one knows for sure.

Accounts differ of his true motivations and origins.

I know he's older than our galaxy,

and far more twisted.

Not a physical form, he can only project himself

into our thoughts through the mindscape.

That's why he wants this.

I dismantled the portal, but with this tear,

Bill still has a way into our reality.

To get his hands on this rift,

he would trick or possess anyone.

So how do we keep Bill out of our minds?

There's a number of ways.

I personally had a metal plate installed in my head.

Good one.

But this machine is safer.

It will scan your mind,

bio-electrically encrypting your thoughts

so Bill can't read them.

Now say hello to your thoughts.

Oh, man, I can't believe I'm with the author.

Is my fly down?

♪ Disco girl, coming through ♪

Wendy, Wendy, Wendy, Wendy.

You might wanna ignore that last one.

By the way, you never told me what your history with Bill was.

Dipper, do you trust me?

- Well, yeah, but... - Then you'll trust that that's not important.

Now focus. It's time to strengthen your mind.

All right, Mabel, it's time to strengthen your heart.

♪ Share a smile ♪

♪ Dream a dream ♪

♪ Doin' some good deed ♪

Boom! 1,000 good deeds.

When that unicorn scans my heart,

she's gonna say I'm absolutely, 100%, bona fide...

Not pure of heart.

Boo-ya! Wait, what?

How is that even possible?

Mabel's a straight-up saint, you judgmental hoof bag.

Please tell me what I'm doing wrong.

Doing good days to make yourself look better

isn't good at all.

Not to mention you're crushing, like, ten dandelions right now.

Those are basically children's dreams.

I'm sorry, Mabel. It's not my fault you're a bad person.

Mabel, wait. Come back.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a 3:00 posing

in front of a rainbow.

Come on, Mabel. Don't beat yourself up over this.

Let's forget about getting that dumb unicorn hair.

It's not about the hair anymore, guys.

It's about me.

Being kind and sweet is what makes me who I am.

If I'm not a good person, who am I?

I'm not leaving this spot until I think of a deed

that makes me as good as Celestabellabethabelle.

But Mabel...

Just leave me be.

Psst.

Guys, if you ask me, this whole thing is a serious load.

Mabel's, like, the best person I've ever met.

We tried getting that hair the good way.

Now it's time we try the Wendy way.

Are you suggesting violence? Sabotage?

Mabel's not going to like that.

Mabel doesn't need to know.

Look, it's time we stopped trying to be so "perfect,”

and be who we really are.

We're crazed, angry, sweaty animals.

We're not unicorns.

We're women!

And we take what we want.

- Yeah! - Yes!

Too much?

Here's what we're gonna do.

Get me a flagon of your daintiest honeysuckle, please.

I'm gonna need to see some Ι.D.

The cops. Hit the deck.

I'm lookin' for someone who knows how to take down a unicorn.

No tricks or games.

We are human. We take what we want.

- Yeah! - Fairy dust.

A whole magic bag's

enough to put a unicorn out cold,

but if I do you a favor,

you gotta do something for me.

Just spill it, half-pint.

Butterfly trafficking is illegal in this part of the forest.

But I like butterflies.

They tickle my face and make me laugh.

Bring me a bag of butterflies, and we got a deal.

Two bags of fairy dust, just like we agreed.

Where do you get this stuff?

Everyone likes sausage, but no one likes to know how it's made.

You disgust me.

You've got your poison, I've got mine.

We made a deal.

Yeah, well, the deal is off.

Freeze. You're under arrest. Get down, get down.

These butterflies aren't mine.

I swear. I've been framed.

Tell it to the adorable owl we've dressed as a judge.

My cut.

Good deeds, good deeds.

Oh, that's not good enough.

Come on, Mabel, you can do better than that.

Oh, sure, sure. I wish I could travel,

but it's just not feasible in this economy.

What the hay?

Sleep now. Sleep.

No, wait! Stop!

Mabel, sh!

You'll wake her up.

But this is wrong, guys.

But protecting the shack is good.

What?

Doth my eyes deceive me?

You shall never be pure of heart.

No, you don't understand.

I just wanna be good like you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you gotta be kiddin' me.

Huh?

Yo, C-Beth, are you seriously pullin'

this "pure of heart” scam again?

That is messed up, man.

Wait. Scam?

Kid, unicorns can't see into your heart.

All our dumb horns can do is glow, point toward the nearest rainbow,

and play rave music.

Yeah, the whole "pure of heart" racket

is just a line we use to get humans to leave us alone.

Guys, shut up.

All this time.

All this time, I thought I was a bad person.

But you're even worse than I am!

Okay, fine, so you learned our secret.

We're jerks, okay.

We have more hair than we know what to do with,

and we keep it to ourselves

just to tick humans off.

What are you gonna do about it, huh? Huh?

What are you gonna do?

Whoo! Go, Mabel.

Join the dark side.

Fight, fight, fight!

So it's a fight you want.

Well, then it's a fight you're gonna get.

Uh, this is taking forever.

How long have I been doing this for?

Why does he have to be so mysterious about Bill?

I can handle the truth.

I wonder what Great-uncle Ford is thinking.

Use the machine. It'll show you his thoughts.

I shouldn't.

He won't know.

He's going to tell you eventually.

The more you know about Bill,

the more you can help.

Man, I am really good at rationalizing.

Yes, you are.

Just a little peek.

What are you hiding about Bill?

Where are these ideas comin' from?

Who are you working with?

My brother's a dangerous know-it-all.

He would trick or possess anyone.

Then it's a deal. From now until the end of time.

Just plug me into your mind, Stanford.

Please, call me a friend.

Ford and Bill?

You shouldn't have done that.

Why were you shaking hands with Bill?

You said Bill could possess anyone so he could get this.

Careful!

Hand me the rift. Now, boy.

Why were you really scanning my thoughts?

Are you Bill right now?

Now just calm down.

Pine Tree. Is that what you were going to call me?

I was gonna say please, kid.

Great-uncle Ford told me to protect the rift.

Get one step closer and I'll shoot.

I'll erase you right out of Ford's head.

It's me, Dipper. It's your uncle.

Trust no one, trust no one.

- Trust... - Hand it to me.

Let go of me.

Now just calm down.

Calm down. Look into my eyes.

Look at my pupils.

It's me, Dipper. It's me.

I tried to erase your mind.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay, Dipper.

Besides, my mind can't be erased anyway, remember?

If that really was Bill, though,

you would've done great.

I should've been more like you when I was young.

Dipper, I was a fool to try to hide all this.

The reason I've been trying to prepare you

for Bill's tricks is because Bill tricked me.

It's the biggest regret of my life.

Bill wasn't always my enemy, Dipper.

I used to think he was my friend,

long, long ago.

I had hit a roadblock in my investigation

of Gravity Falls,

until I found some mysterious writing

in a cave.

Ancient incantations about a being with answers.

It warned me not to read them,

but I was desperate.

I read the inscription aloud, but nothing happened,

until later that afternoon,

when I had the most peculiar dream.

Hiya, smart guy.

Whoa, don't have a heart attack.

You're not 92 yet.

Who are you?

Name's Bill, and your name's Stanford Pines,

the man who changed the world.

But I'm getting ahead of ourselves.

Let's relax. Care for a game of interdimensional chess?

Have a cup of tea.

He told me he was a muse,

that he chose one brilliant mind a century to inspire.

What a fool I was.

Blinded by his flattery and games.

He became my research assistant.

He was free to move in and out of my mind

as he pleased; we were partners.

When he told me that I could complete my research

by building a gateway to other worlds,

I trusted him.

He said this was the way genius happened--

with a little help from a friend.

It seemed that I was on the verge

of my greatest achievement.

Until my partner got a glimpse

of Bill's true plans.

Bill, you lied to me!

Where does that portal really lead?

Looks like Mr. Brainiac finally got smart.

Let's just say that when that portal finishes

charging up, your dimension is gonna learn

how to party, right, guys?

No. I'll stop you. I'll shut it down!

A deal's a deal, sixer.

You can't stop the bridge between our world from coming.

But it would be fun to watch you try.

Cute even.

I'd been betrayed.

I shut the portal down,

severing the link between Bill's world and ours.

I had to hide my instructions

so no one could ever finish Bill's work.

Bill's been waiting for the gateway to reopen ever since.

All he needs to do is get his hands on this rift.

To Bill, it's just a game.

But to us, it would mean the end of our world.

Oh, man.

"Oh, man" indeed.

I'm so embarrassed about earlier.

I'm such an idiot.

From now on, no more secrets between us.

We're not the first two idiots to be tricked by Bill, boy,

but if we work together, we could be the last.

But what about Bill? I broke the machine.

Now we have no way to protect the shack.

Did someone say unicorn hair?

Uh, no, actually.

Oh. That would've been perfect.

Either way, we got some unicorn hair.

Also some unicorn tears, unicorn eyelashes.

They finally gave us this treasure chest

to get rid of us.

It can't be.

This is a great day, girls.

With this unicorn hair,

we'll be able to completely shield the shack

from Bill's mind-reading tricks.

- Is it okay? - Better than okay. It's perfect.

You've protected your family.

You're a good person, Mabel.

Thanks, Grunkle Ford,

but today I learned that morality is relative.

Money!

Perfect.

This will protect us from Bill.

As long as we're inside, our minds are safe.

I guess I can't possess anyone inside the shack,

so I'll just have to find my next pawn

on the outside.