Original subtitles

Crazy Max, you're accused of having the lowest prices in New England. How do you

plead? Well, Your Honor, if selling 50 -count packs of styrofoam plates and

generic shaving cream for 99 cents is a crime, then Crazy Max sure is guilty.

We just got accepted to the Jefferson Parish Avant -Garde Film Festival in

Louisiana.

How do you know? You haven't even opened the envelope yet.

Didn't need to open it, because positive thoughts and positive energy equal. God

damn it.

Good evening, Holliston!

Hey, Lance.

You guys look like I did when docking got dropped from their label.

The short film got rejected from every film festival we submitted to. So what?

You can't let the man decide your future. You gotta rock it out yourself.

You decide your own fate, not some toot behind a desk.

Yeah! You're back!

Woo! You know?

Lance is right.

Screw those other festivals. We can start our own.

First annual Holliston Film Festival.

We just got accepted.

Shinpan is going to have its world premiere, baby.

Hell yeah!

You still accepting submissions?

Uh, sure.

Great! How about premiering Diver Down's first music video? It'll be sick!

Hold on.

You made a music video?

The way I see it, this place is finished anyway.

Last day of the month is our last day in business, boys. We're done.

Wait, wait, wait.

We're unemployed?

Oh.

Bad timing?

I know. Forget I was even here.

Shh.

Robin's dead.

I regret and I haven't won the lottery yet.

I'd burn into the hole. I ain't got no place to go.

Why does it stand if I didn't want me?

Why does it stand if I didn't need me?

Well, the high school auditorium's booked, but the Historical Society barn

open. Perfect.

We'll set up some chairs, a red carpet, gifting lounge.

How are we going to afford a gifting lounge?

We can just give away stuff from our apartment, like this commemorative

timepiece. That sounds like a pretty crappy gifting lounge.

We didn't promise a good one, just that there would be one.

Now we can invite celebrities.

Like who?

Like everyone on Kane Hodder's contact list?

I personally copied all the numbers on his phone. Any good movie submissions

yet, Joe?

Are you kidding? There's been a ton of awesome movies that have been submitted.

But I'm only picking the bad ones so that shin pad shines.

That may be too many dead cats.

How many dead cats are too many dead cats?

How about just three?

Okay, fine.

Because that's any fun.

You guys, I don't feel so hot.

Oh, hey, Corey.

What do you think about a musical performance for the event? Do you want

perform a song or something?

Yeah, okay.

I'm flattered. Great! An awful country song will really make Shinpad look

awesome.

So flattered.

You want me to give you a ride home?

I'll take her. You sure?

Yeah. I gotta pick up my envelopes anyway.

Okay, yeah, that'd be great. Thanks, Dana.

No problem.

Dead cat.

I'll be right back. Bye. Okay.

Feel better?

So you guys really got fired?

No, we got laid off. There's a difference.

But I'm not worried. Once Shinpads wins Best Picture at our film festival,

things are really going to take off for us.

I'll send you money from Germany if I can.

Could we not talk about Germany ever?

Joe, this... is a chance of a lifetime.

Yeah, but there's plenty of art schools right here in Massachusetts.

Look, if you got a job directing a movie in a third world country, I'd want you

to go.

Think of how many movies shoot in Canada.

Making a movie is different.

Plus, you're talking about leaving for, what, two years?

If this were you, I'd want you to go.

Because it's what you love.

And I want you to stay because I love you.

I can't do this right now. I have dead cats to paint.

Did you not hear me? I said I love you. Dead cats!

We're getting laid off.

And that means no more income.

Which means eviction.

And then eventually starvation. And then prostitution.

Maybe I should just give it all up.

Use pills.

Totally painless.

Not suicide.

I mean, the whole horror filmmaking thing.

I mean, how much longer can I hold out? Who am I kidding?

Remember the first time you saw Star Wars?

We were still living at your mom's house at the time, and you came running into

my closet saying, Odorous!

Odorous! I know what I want to do with the rest of my life now!

Finger Carrie Fisher?

No! You wanted to make movies.

Movies with monsters.

Yeah, well, I tried.

I tried harder than anybody else that I know.

But everybody else that I grew up with, all my friends, they've got families and

they have children and they have savings accounts and 401ks. They have futures.

Me? What do I have? I have nothing but debt.

and misery, and every single thing I do, I get rejected. I have no money.

It's... It's bullshit, and I don't want to do it anymore.

What about Joe?

He's just as bad off as you are, though, unlike you, he's too stupid to admit

it.

How is that supposed to make me feel better?

I don't know.

I'm not doing this anymore.

Fine.

Sell out.

Get a job. A nice nine to five one.

Sit in front of the idiot box all night and watch some stupid sitcom.

All the while wondering what it might have been like if you'd hung in there

just one more day.

It's easy for you to say you're not even real.

If I wasn't real, could I do this?

Oh, you dick.

If you give up, you're the dick.

It's like Kurt Cobain once said.

I'll give up.

Don't be that guy.

That joke wasn't too soon. It's been 20 years.

You people need to get over it.

But if we don't get a third season, you have no one to blame but yourself, Adam.

You wrote it.

Look at how many people showed up. Dude, it's a hit.

What is the deal with all the farmers?

Nicolo!

Yeah, boss?

What's with the farm festival signs? It's supposed to be film. Film festival?

Farm festival. That's what you said.

Film. Farm.

Film. Farm.

Film. Farm.

I need a Percocet.

I mean, it just ruined the whole thing.

Relax, relax, relax. No, I'm not going to relax. You want a Percocet? Yeah.

Right this way.

Thank you for this. I need to talk to you about something before all of this

gets started. Oh, my God. You guys, you guys, you guys.

We sold all the tickets.

That's amazing.

My first premiere, and it's a sellout.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Hey, Corey, what did the doctors say? Are you feeling better?

Oh, yeah.

I'm all good.

Well, I'm going to go find Laura.

Okay.

Break a leg. I will. Okay. Okay.

I think I might love you.

Wow. Did I just say that? Wow.

Yeah.

It's okay. You don't have to say it back. I know we've only been dating a

weeks and that just kind of came out.

Yeah.

That was gross.

I'm not gross. I mean, what I did was gross. What you did was gross.

It's okay. Okay.

We're good.

All right.

Okay.

Bye. Bye. Good luck. Thank you. Okay.

That was weird, right?

It happens to me a lot, actually. I just, like, it's kind of every time I

around, someone's like... There's the one here from the Boston Phoenix. The

Boston Phoenix?

Yeah. Oh, my God.

Thank God for that, because I was going to ask you.

Holy crap.

Darren Bowden's here.

Who's that?

The guy who did all the scary Saw movies.

And there he goes.

He didn't look very...

Gary.

But that guy does.

No way. Sid Haig is here.

Hey, who's the clown I gotta talk to about this gifting lounge bullshit?

Clown? That is classic coming from Captain Spalding himself.

Don't you like clowns? Aren't we fucking funny?

Fuck you.

How am I supposed to hold all this shit?

Oh, here. Let me grab that for you for now. We have a holding place.

And where's all the free drinks you promised?

Oh, drinks.

Um, actually, you need to find the short, young, Fred Savage -looking guy

Adam. He's right over there.

Fred Savage can kiss my ass. Tell him you like the wizard.

Quick, take this and bring it back to the car so we can take it back home. Go.

There's my on -screen boyfriend.

Hey, Joe. Hey, Gustavo.

This is very exciting. It's awesome.

Why you no invite Gustavo?

Oh, uh...

Didn't you get the invitation?

I did not get the invitation.

Must have gotten lost in the mail.

You said not to invite Gustavo.

Who said this? No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. You threw away his invitation. Be quiet, pile of stuff.

Why would pile of stuff say you no invite Gustavo?

There's a... Why you no invite Gustavo?

I don't... Why you no invite Gustavo?

Oh, my God, Neil, don't hurt me.

Ah, Neil.

is this deal? I jump up and down and make my neck hurt because I slept so bad

it and now it's all crooked and I'm going to need some ibuprofen. Oh, right.

I'm very excited to see my effects in the movie. Oh, you're going to love it.

Oh, huge, big scope.

I love you, Joe.

You've never lied to me or done me wrong and that is why I appreciate you. Oh,

thanks. We're running way behind. Pictures, quick.

Okay.

What is Gustavo doing here?

I don't know, but he's going to freak when he finds out that we cut out all

crappy effects.

And what is up with Sid Haig? He walked up to me, spit in my mouth, and said the

Wonder Years sucked.

What is that even supposed to mean?

Sid Haig's here? Yeah. Cool.

Come on, Kyle, let's go.

Well, we're getting closer and closer to the big finale and the film that you're

all here to really see, Shinpads.

Shinpads?

When they score, you die.

That sounds terrible.

Sort of the premise for that movie, Creature, but you still... Well,

we have a big surprise for everybody. Here is the world premiere of the new

Diver Down video, Love It Down Your Throat. Roll it!

Okay,

so, Corey, you're up next, and then we play the shin pads, okay?

Yeah, okay. All right.

Shin pads.

The disc. Did you bring it?

No, you were going to bring the disc.

I wasn't. Don't do this, dude. Dude, you were supposed to. No, you were never

supposed to bring it. No, no, no. Relax, relax.

Nicolo, come here.

Be a boss.

We need you to run back to the cable station and get the DVD that says

Final Cut on it. Quick.

Done.

You were supposed to bring it. No, you were never to bring it. No.

What's it called?

Shinpads. You know, the short film that you just spent three months helping us

make? Oh, that Shinpad?

Oh, my God. Forget it. I'm not going. No.

I mean, this is your night. You and Joe should be here.

Nicolo should go.

I got it. Run to the station.

get the movie, and then... Run back here with

it!

Okay,

how about that Lance Rocket, everybody?

Our next act is actually live in person tonight. Let's give a big Holliston

welcome to the lovely and talented Corey.

Take it off!

Uh, I wrote this song for

somebody very, very special.

Demons on the loose.

We're finally here at the big finale and the moment that you've all been waiting

for. Did you guys have a good time tonight?

My last prostate exam was more fun than this.

You know what else wasn't fun?

House of the Dead 2. You suck!

Hey, all right there, Adam. Okay, we are just moments away from the world

premiere of... Oh, thank God.

There's a projector on the back there. Right?

Okay.

Okay. Now, before we roll the final film of the night, Shin Pads, I just wanted

to give a big thanks, well, first to my best friend Adam for writing such a

fantastic script, to Corey, Dana, Nicolo, and all of you out there for

tonight possible, and certainly my lovely girlfriend Laura.

Now...

I may not be able to give you everything you deserve.

I don't have any money.

I can't even buy you dinner most nights.

And I certainly can't buy you the ring that you so richly deserve.

But if you'll take this ring pop for now,

I swear that every dime that I make and every penny that I find...

will go towards buying you the biggest ring in the whole world.

Please, Laura, don't go to Germany.

Because of you, I love my life. I cherish it. I

cherish it more than Rick Baker's amazing werewolf transformation affects

American werewolf in London.

So, with all of our friends here in Hague in attendance... Don't involve me

this!

I ask you, will you marry me?

I'm sorry, Joe.

Adam, wait.

What are you doing? I should go after her. I'm pregnant.

What?

With a baby?

Yeah.

Do you remember the Christmas special?

We slept together?

not how it happened oh done sorry you you had to be there

holy shit zombies

It's just about Germany.

Yes, it is.

That's why you proposed to me in front of all those people.

So that I'd give up on my dream and help you chase yours.

That's not true.

I love you.

Dana, I mean, I have a girlfriend now.

What are we supposed to do?

I don't know.

Wait. How much of this is real, and how much of this is just end -of -season

shenanigans? Like last season, when we all got shot to death for no apparent

reason at the end.

The zombies aren't real.

You guys really lost your jobs.

Laura really said no.

And I'm really pregnant.

Tonight's episode featured music by... Can you hear me calling?

Knock it down, you clown!

We got good.

If you don't believe us, we can make it.