Original subtitles

I'm never drinking again.

Yes, you will.

No.

This time, I mean it. You say that every time we drink.

Hey, guys.

Do I have a story for you?

Oh, God, can you tell it quietly?

Let me guess. The point and drink game again?

Drink.

Drink.

Drink.

I'm never drinking again.

I could never see alcohol again, and I would be totally fine with that.

Just Diet Coke from here on in. I'm never drinking again.

I don't say it that much.

Okay, so I come home from work. Kevin invited Cory to his wedding.

Laura! Wait, you were taking forever.

You still talk to Kevin? No, that's the whole point. Can you believe what a dick

move this is?

Is he trying to rub it in my face? She's gonna go anyway, because she thinks he

thinks she won't go.

Laura, my story! I get an invite, too. Kevin invited you?

Why wouldn't he? Every party's better with Laura.

I'm cute, I'm fun, and I salsa.

Okay.

So wait a second. You just break up with him a few months ago, and now he's

already getting married?

I know!

What, was he cheating on you the whole time?

Are you asking me on a fake date?

I can't show up to this wedding alone.

Besides, he was always jealous of our previous relationship anyway.

He was?

No.

But will you still go with me?

Dude. Open bar.

Free booze. I'm back off the wagon, bitch. Drink.

I've been dead.

I've been dragged.

And I haven't won the lottery yet.

Adverse. into the hole.

I ain't got no place to go.

Why doesn't anybody want me?

Why doesn't anybody need me?

What are you doing?

Moving out.

Where are you going to go?

Not sure yet, but I can't stay here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened?

For 20 years, I've been helping you out with your problems.

It's always, hey, Otterist, what do I do about Cory?

Or, hey, Otterist, what do I do about my horror movie career? Or, hey, Otterist.

Do these look like crabs to you?

Hey, the crabs thing was only twice, and both times it was a false alarm.

Okay, one of the times.

What about the time I stood watch over you all night so you wouldn't be

by Freddy Krueger?

Well, I was tired.

Teddy bear?

Spooky Dan Bear is none of your business.

Come on, where are you going to go?

Who's going to buy you Big League Chew? Or those Cadbury mini eggs that you like

so much, huh?

Tell me something personal about me.

Odorous churungus that only a true friend would know.

You... You smell like a bag of dicks. Ah!

Whatever. See you around, dickhole.

Come on.

Don't do this.

Kiss my pimply ass.

I need your opinion.

Don't uh me. You always used to do that to me at the mall. Every fitting room,

it was always uh, uh, uh.

Joe and I uh in fitting rooms sometimes, too.

Return the man.

Stop.

Option one.

See?

It will bring you great danger.

Oh, come on.

I think option number one says, I am so confident and over you that I didn't

even put out that much effort.

Okay. Option number two.

Option number two says, Whoa, kind of crazy how your ex -girlfriend just

up your own wife on her wedding day.

Okay. And option three says... Yes.

Option three says yes.

You don't think it's too slutty?

Are you kidding? If I was your date, I would have you out of that thing and

over the holy water dish in that church before the ceremony even started.

Wait.

I am your date.

My fake date. You're my fake date. I'll have you know that you and I have had

loads of fake sex.

And you?

Are gonna fake love it.

Maybe if I fake it.

I'll take it.

Not if I break it. We'll still get to make it.

I won't let you see me naked.

We could still shake it. By the lake it.

Eating grape it. Grape doesn't rhyme at all. Grape doesn't rhyme?

That does not rhyme at all.

You might have crabs.

and Corey. It's going to start any second.

Oh, Corey has it all timed out to be casually late and make an entrance.

Down to dropping her purse and bending over to pick it up so that everyone

notices her.

Genius.

Whatever. I'm buying us drinks.

Hey, tonight is all on me.

Oh, right. Open bar.

Hell yeah.

It's like Carrie and Anne, but it's tricky.

You missed the part where she flashed the whole wedding party, her vertical

smile. You mean her love taco? Her centibite skin pull? We're not doing

again. Her ashen clothes. Enough!

Look at her. Do you think she's so pretty?

Like, hey!

Kind of the bride, Corey.

Her dress is stupid.

You want me to drag her outside and get the shit out of her? Stop it.

Hey, guys, you made it.

Oh, hey, you.

You, you, you, you.

I miss you so much. No, she doesn't. She doesn't miss you at all. Oh, you're

so pretty.

Come here, you.

Hey.

And this is my friend, Reggie Bannister. Welcome.

Congrats. Your wedding was beautiful.

For a wedding and a dime for it. Thank you. We wanted to keep it simple, you

know. Didn't want a big fancy party overshadowing our love.

Oh, we know what that's like.

You do?

Congrats,

guys.

Well, it was great to see you, Corey.

I'm really happy you could make it and share in our love.

We're so happy you could make it. And turn us.

We'll see you guys in a bit.

Come on, my little pancake.

Okay, um, more drinks?

Yes, must drink more faster, please, very much, thank you.

I'm gonna run to the bathroom real quick, can you just... Make sure she's

Of course.

All right, you got her?

Okay.

Thank

you.

What are you doing here?

I live here now.

In the Casey's Crossing bathroom.

Why not?

According to you, I smell like a sack of scrote anyway.

All I was saying was that I think he... Talk to the head.

Let's just have a conversation.

The hand!

I don't want your hand. I want your mouth.

I got that

scholarship to art school.

Laura, that's amazing.

Which school?

It's called Schomatenkundschule in Germany.

That's too bad.

Well, look, that's still a good sign.

I'm sure a school around here will accept you any day now.

It's the only one I applied to.

Well, you're not going to accept, are you?

It's a full scholarship.

For how long?

Just a two -year program.

And I brought up going to art school in Germany.

You're pissed off, but you can't. It's time.

You're not doing the job.

Germany? When was she going to tell me?

You were the one who helped her fill out that application.

That was you.

You should be happy for her.

I mean, come on. This is awesome.

It's what she always wanted, right?

Whose side are you on here?

Well, I mean, I think it's a very good thing.

Bad. It's bad. Well, you think it's very good. Bad.

You're not helping. I'm really not helping. No.

How's Corey?

her hair back for her.

Should we take her home?

No, I asked her if she wanted to go home and she just said, no.

Kevin, I'm so lonely.

Can

we

talk?

Over what?

I'm going to leave you two alone because I got a thing. No, we have...

I already got dance -raped once tonight. Here you go. Here, there you go. All

right.

That was quite a

show you and your girlfriend put on out there earlier.

Oh, that?

No, she's not my girlfriend.

I'm actually her fake date tonight.

She used to date the groom, so it's a whole thing.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm a fake date tonight, too.

Seriously? That's him. Over there.

We've met.

I was supposed to go to an Xbox party tonight, too, so... What's your game?

Resident Evil?

I don't know. I mean, you might think I'm a weirdo, but, um... Yeah, weirdo.

are so weird.

Are you kidding? Do you want to... Do you want to get married?

No, honestly, because there's a priest right there.

I'm Adam.

I'm Dana.

Speaking of zombies.

What does that carry in? You should probably take care of that.

Am I fat?

What's your game attack?

I'm Red Rum 13.

No way.

I'm Jack Torrance 13.

No one is ever going to love me at all.

Good luck with that.

Thank you.

Hopefully I'll see you online sometime.

You most definitely will.

Okay. Bye.

I can't breathe,

Adam. It's not my fault.

I made a fool of myself tonight, didn't I?

No, you weren't. I did. I made a fool of myself, didn't I? No, you were fun.

You were a lot of fun. Everybody was really, it was fun.

Do you want to stay with me tonight?

I don't think that would be a good idea.

How come no one thinks I'm pretty?

Everybody thinks you're pretty.

Do you still think I'm pretty?

Pretty.

I think you're beautiful.

And you'll always be my favorite thing in the world.

Even when we're both 80 and we made the mistake of marrying and starting

families with other people, if you just said the word, I'd leave all of it just

to be near you.

So, party's wrapping up. Wanna go?

Um, I think Corey might still have one more dance left in her.

No, she's done. Yeah.

Nope.

Not at all.

There you go.

Come on, let's go.

What? I didn't do it. I gotcha, I gotcha. I know, I know. I didn't want

you guys mind just waiting for me out there really quick?

Alright, let's go.

We need to talk.

What do you want?

Come on, Odorous. How am I supposed to figure out my life without you?

Don't care!

Tell me what I can do for you. Here, let me give you advice about something.

Well, okay.

Back on my whole planet, there's this... girl.

Okay, what's her name?

I'm Mr.

Hyman.

Okay,

go on.

Well, anyway, I'm trying to figure out, um... Do I have a nice ass?

I mean, like, on a scale of one to ten.

Like, if you were an alien woman, would you hit this thing?

Uh... Because I can't figure out whether she likes me or not, you know?

I think you have a fantastic ass.

Thank you.

So she's going to Germany, she's not going to Germany.

It's complicated.

All you did is have drunk makeup sex with her, didn't you?

It was open bar.

It'll be fine.

Do you honestly think that she's going to go to Germany and leave all of...

behind?

I think she would go to Connecticut and leave all of that behind.

Whatever. Hey, did you call that girl last night?

I did. And we have texted seven times now. Thank you very much.

In fact, I got a winky face.

What's a winky face mean?

It's like a text that says, I am flirting with you.

You've got to get it out. We're going to go through this whole goddamn scene.

It's a text that says... Did that really help?

It's a text that says...

Text, text, text.

I am flirting with you.

Really? Yep. Wow.

Now... I just need to turn that into a... Into a... I want to have sex with

you face.

Cookie thing holiday!

Too late. Episode's over, miss. Seriously?

reason we got good salvation if you don't believe us we

can make it