Original subtitles

Welcome back to the Movie Crypt with Adam and Joe.

Now, before we roll the hair -raising conclusion to tonight's presentation,

Silver Bullet, in honor of this weekend's killer full moon, Adam, are

prepared to stop a werewolf?

I actually sleep with wolfsbane in my bedside table just in case.

That was wolfsbane?

Yep. So that's why it didn't work.

You smoked my wolfsbane?

There really are only a few ways to take out a werewolf, starting with the

removal of the heart.

Or the head. What else have you taken from my room?

I may have borrowed your porn.

I know that's not true, because I don't have any porn.

The whores have thighs?

That was the hills have eyes.

No, I believe it was.

It was. It definitely was.

And I might have been using your toothbrush ever since Tony Todd used

time. Oh, my God.

Now, there's also silver bullets, but did you know that in some countries they

also consider both rye and mistletoe safeguards against a werewolf? I don't

care. Some mythologies even cite mercury as a way to stop a lichen in its

tracks. I hate you. Oh, my God. Now, let's see what Corey Haim does to defeat

his werewolf in the terrifying conclusion of silver bullets.

Oh, God. He kills the werewolf. He defeats it.

Everybody wins. Yay. Awesome. Spoiler alert.

Now, Corey Haim is also in License to Drive, or as it's called in Adam's

collection, License to Swallow 13.

Now, that's definitely not true. I haven't even finished License to Swallow

yet.

I'm in debt.

I regret.

And I haven't won the lottery yet.

Adverse. And through the hole, I ain't got no place to go.

Why doesn't anybody want me?

Why doesn't anybody need me?

Don't know.

Don't care.

What's that application for?

Just an art school thing. Joe said he'd help me.

Will you help me?

Kind of busy right now?

Please.

Fine.

Let me see it.

Laura, you haven't filled out a single thing.

Applications are hard.

Name?

Oh.

Let's go with, I don't know, Laura.

You've got this.

High level of my life.

Stop at a gas station to get a Diet Coke, and there's no carbonation in this

all. Hi, Laura. I love you, too.

All day, all I wanted was a Diet Coke. Seriously?

Worst? Day ever!

Did you even pay for that?

It was a refill.

Did you pay for the first one? Stay out of this.

I just need an Advil.

Uh... What the hell is this?

Those are what I call the chains of Thuck It.

You're kidding me, right?

Nope.

And I'm going to be locking up the refrigerator next.

So if you're going to take some of my Miracle Whip... You better make your

now, dick.

Dude, I just need to borrow an Advil. What, are you going to give it back to

after you're done with it?

Babe, try asking him.

Yep, babe.

Try asking me.

Adam? No.

I'm bleeding.

I'm bleeding.

Yeah, apparently so is Adam this week.

Take a number. I am bleeding!

My Diet Coke is flat! Do we really want to start this right now, Corey?

Did somebody bit you? Where?

On her arm.

You didn't read the scripture right. No, I mean, where did it happen?

I was just walking out of the hospital and some crazy guy was being dragged in

by the EMT.

Oh, I always get so sad when E .T. goes home.

The E .M .T.? The ambulance driver?

Why didn't you just have them treated at the hospital?

Have you ever waited in an emergency room? I'd be there for a week.

Do you have any hydrogen peroxide?

Yeah. Uh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We don't have ketchup, but we have

hydrogen peroxide.

As a matter of fact, yes.

My overbearing hypochondriac mother gave it to me as part of a home terrorist

attack package.

She also gave me the dog's old antibiotics.

Shotzi died in high school.

Yeah, well, my mom kept her meds.

Any chance of, uh... No painkillers, I asked. Adam, can you please hurry?

Uh, I can't. Why?

Because I locked the keys to these chains

in my bedroom.

You know what? Forget about it.

Whoa!

Sorry, that's expensive. You guys, it was so scary. I mean, this guy, he was

like a crazed animal.

He must have been high on some kind of drug.

A crazed animal?

What?

It's a full moon.

No way.

Where's he now?

Probably at the hospital still. Do you remember what room?

No, I could call reception and ask why.

Don't panic.

What? Just don't panic. What is it?

It's not definite yet.

But you may have been bitten by a werewolf.

Werewolf? Run!

A werewolf?

Seriously? How much have you guys had to drink tonight?

Not a drop. There's no carbonation in this soda whatsoever.

Not now, Joe.

Oh, let's just make it all about the B story, huh?

B story? What's the A storyline?

Wow.

We're getting pretty desperate for storylines, huh?

Yeah.

Look, there's still time to save your life.

What? First, we need to know if the guy who bit you is really a lichen or not.

Joe and I are going to go to the hospital to investigate. You cannot be

Do you trust me? Yeah, I trust you. What are you doing?

Do you want to be a werewolf? This is so stupid!

Do you want to be a werewolf? Answer the question, Corey!

No, I don't want to be a werewolf!

Then I ask you again.

Do you trust me?

Yes, I trust you.

If it turns out that the guy is clean, you're good.

If not, we amputate.

Amputate? Seriously?

And if that doesn't work, Mr. Doctor?

We remove your head.

I'll do it.

Gee, thanks, Laura.

I love you.

Laura, do not let her move. No matter how much she cries, no matter how much

begs. Never.

Don't worry, Corey.

There's another gas station on the way. I'll try that one.

Are you Mark Ward?

Yeah, who are you?

We're here to, uh, visit.

Here.

Who's Ethel?

What the hell are you doing?

Earlier tonight, you bit a nurse when they were bringing you in here.

I did?

What nurse?

He's a werewolf.

Kill him.

Wait, who are you?

Nurse!

Kill him quick.

Corey will be fine if we kill the one that turned her.

Could you hold on one second?

What do I kill him with? I didn't bring a silver bullet or a gun or anything,

did you?

Wait.

Cut his head off.

No, don't cut his head off. What is wrong with you? Nurse!

Hold still, guy from American Werewolf in London.

The boy's coming back any minute. Joe will know what to do. No. No, he won't.

am not a werewolf.

Werewolves aren't real.

Spoken like a true werewolf who tried to convince someone who is not a werewolf

that they're not a werewolf.

What?

How many more innocent people are you going to kill with your uncontrollable

feeding? I'm not a werewolf.

Look, I was doing bath salts, okay?

I started partying on... What day is it?

Sunday. It is?

I've been high since Tuesday. Awesome.

Hey, wolfsbane. If he smokes it, he's not a werewolf, right?

Yeah, but the wolfsbane is in my bedroom.

Locked in my bedroom.

I borrowed it.

I thought it was pot. You guys have pot?

What else have you stolen?

Nothing.

It's not like it was yours anyway.

Look, if I smoke what you have, will you two freaks leave me alone?

Maybe.

Yes.

Hand me that apple.

I can make a bong out of anything.

If you untie me so I can do this.

Sorry.

Hey, look, there's Dr. Giggles.

Where?

There's no Dr.

Giggles. The doctor is not insane.

Me? I didn't transform into a monster.

It's still just me, Cory.

The boys will be back any minute. I am going to pee myself any minute.

Thank God.

You're going to unchain me?

No. I have to change my pants.

Hi, Cory.

Where's Laura?

Untie me and I'll tell you. You killed Laura?

What? No.

She's in the bathroom.

Now please let me out of this chair.

I'm afraid we can't do that.

What? happened with the guy?

Joe untied him and let him escape.

That was you.

Just go with it.

That was me.

Was that supposed to do something?

mean when she's a werewolf.

Look, you guys, the wolf's mane didn't do anything to her.

Plus, it's still a full moon and she hasn't changed. If she was going to

she would have changed by now, right?

Well, an American werewolf that doesn't change until the next full moon?

You are not keeping me here for a month.

I'll take first watch.

If you don't let me go to the bathroom right now, I am never talking to any of

you again, ever.

Get the party bucket, Jo.

The party bucket?

Well, you know, sometimes when you got the spins and you... I am not peeing in

bucket!

Fine. I'll take you to the bathroom.

No, Laura can take me.

I really think that I should be the one to take you to the bathroom, Corey. You

are not watching me pee, Adam. Damn it.

Fine.

Oh, no.

Get the party bucket, Joe.

What are you doing?

I was... I was... Wow. I was just making sure you were still breathing because

you looked like you were... Yeah, you're good. You're all right. You're going to

be okay.

You're going to be okay.

I was awake the whole time, you know.

I didn't actually touch you. I was just... That was only like half creepy.

just was making sure you were... Why didn't you just kiss me?

Why would I kiss you?

I can't really... I'm being close to you right now.

That's, that's, that's why I'm here. That's why we're... Yeah, we're... Could

you... My nose itches. Can you... Thank you.

Thank you.

Adam, why don't you just kiss me?

I'm telling you to kiss me. What's the matter with you?

Well, this is just a little weird. You know what I mean? Because I was just

like... I am chained to a chair.

Man.

Unlock it.

I can't.

Why not?

Can't you just, like, magically walk through the door?

I'm an alien monster.

Not Casper, the stupid ghost.

Friendly. Casper's a friendly ghost.

Oh, whatever. He sucks.

And you suck for knowing that.

Odorous, what do I do?

I think that Cory might have been bit by a werewolf. Seriously.

How can you tell if somebody's a werewolf or not?

There's an easy trick to telling if someone has been bitten by a werewolf or

not. But it's an alien secret.

Here, lean closer, and I'll tell you.

What is it?

Close up.

Ow! Ow!

Bitch! Why would you do something like that? You're such an...

You're dreaming, dreaming, dreaming, dreaming, dreaming.

Go back to sleep, sleep.

Get back together with Adam, Adam, Adam.

Oh, good, you're awake.

Pervert.

Pervert? You were the one all 15 shades of gray.

Yeah, I don't know what that is.

You promised you're not going to do anything rash.

I just want a shower and my bed.

I'm not going to do anything. Just cut me loose.

We said we were sorry. Yeah, I know. Apology accepted.

Do it. Wait.

What?

Did you get highlights last night? Cut me loose.

You sit in the same spot for a long time, your legs fall asleep, and... Got

Thank you.

Good evening, Hollister!

Hey, Lance. You lost?

Off to band practice, or maybe a full -body waxing? Nope, not tonight.

Fake Eddie Van Halen's passing a kidney stone, and the band's on hiatus until he

pops that sucker out.

How metal.

Kidney stones?

are not metal. Lance Rocket always said, drink plenty of water, watch for

calcium buildup, and stay in school.

Words I live by.

To that end, always shave the tank.

Itch. No, tonight, I'm actually gonna stay and watch your show.

Well, you picked a good night, boss. Tonight, for our triumphant return to

horror, we're doing a double feature of Three on a Meat Hook and Solo 2 the next

day. Three on a what, what?

Three on a Meat Hook.

It's a cult classic.

Yeah. Yeah, second thought, maybe I should go see if

Fake Eddie needs any help passing the phone through his

penis.

Penis.

Penis!

You sure you don't want to stay?

Nah, I've got this.

Do you hear my phone?

I think MTV's calling me. Yeah, but the movie's about to start. Yeah, it's too

bad. You'd be great if you didn't.

What, no woo?

No woo.

Welcome to the Movie Crypt.

I'm Joe, and this is Adam, and tonight we have a double feature that is sure to

chill you to the bone.

That's right. We're back to our original format of all horror all the time. But

first... We have our own little thriller to share with you all.

Fake Geddy Van Halen's penis?

Actually, I was referring to our battle with the real -life werewolf.

Ah, yes.

Tonight, we bring you a warning. Wait!

Somewhere in Holliston, there's a werewolf.

On the losers.

Joe and I came face to face with the vicious beast just a few nights ago and

barely escaped in one piece.

It was terrifying.

Stay off the moor and beware the moon.

Lock your doors and mind the children because he's out there waiting to feed.

And you may be next.

We got the good salvation.

If you don't believe us, we can make it a lot.