Original subtitles

Are you going to help out or are you just going to sit there?

I made the salad.

Which took all of two minutes?

It took ten.

It was salad in a bag.

Those bags are hard to open.

Come on, dude. The girls are going to be here any second. Help out.

It's cute that you're making dinner for Laura for your anniversary or whatever,

but why do I have to help?

Everybody's pitching in.

Corey's bringing the wine. Laura's bringing the dessert. Here.

Pasta's done. Pour it in the strainer. Make yourself useful. Okay?

Shouldn't dinner just be the two of you?

Absolutely not. If it wasn't for you and Cory, Laura and I would have never...

It's the phone!

It's the phone!

Hey, guys.

Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

Sweet and wicked bad. Look!

Into the hole

So I've been thinking, the mock trailer for Shinpads was a bust.

But why don't we do a short film for it instead?

A whole short film?

Yeah, with a short film, we can really set up the style and the story and even

the tone.

What tone?

Good evening, Hollister!

Hey, boss, what's going on? Hello, boys.

I got worse news than when Sebastian Bach left Kid Row after the Subhuman

tour. Why? What's up?

They're shutting us down, kids.

Pulling the power.

Ending the gig.

Canceling the tour with no ticket, master.

Refund. We are screwed.

Math Cable is closing three branches at the end of the quarter.

We got to make some serious changes or we're going to lose our jobs.

Okay, like what?

First of all, our commercials, they have to suck much less.

Don't sugarcoat it.

And I gotta sell off some of this equipment so that we can show some more

profit. Wait.

Not the HD camera.

We have an HD camera?

Balls. Corporate Health said you need to make some changes to your movie clip

show to make it more accessible.

Accessible. Why should we have to change our show for an audience that we don't

have? Yeah, they say you can no longer only show horror movies.

They wanted to show romantic comedies, too.

On a show called The Movie Crypt?

That makes no sense. We're not going to do that.

Oh, and then why don't you get more iconic stars like that Candyman guy you

last year?

So yeah, get one for next week's show.

I knew you'd understand.

Wait, boss.

We're not getting fired, are we?

No, no, no, no.

If they close the place, we won't be fired.

We'll all be laid off.

My advice?

Start looking for a realistic career to focus on as a backup.

Like me.

From now on, Diverdown's only writing original Van Halen songs.

Anyway, we won't get a definite answer until the end of the quarter.

So, if you're gonna pull the rabbit out of your hat, or your pants,

do it.

Whichever. You're the artist.

But one of them is a thick brush. The other one is thin.

I don't know how thick are pig intestines.

You get so turned on when you talk art stuff.

No, no. I'm creating.

You're staring at brushes?

Adam's in the next room.

He's always in the next room. Come on.

Please.

It'll inspire you.

It won't.

Just... Just...

You always say, just a tip, that 90 seconds later, it's clean up on Islaura.

See? If you hadn't wasted the last 90 seconds discussing it, we could have

finished already.

We?

You would have been there, too.

Picking out a movie, not sure which one.

Picking out a movie, let's have some fun.

Not sure which one. Just pick one.

I don't know what I'm in the mood for.

Picking out a movie. Not sure which one.

Picking out a movie.

Phantasm. You want to watch Phantasm? I watched Phantasm last week.

Picking out a movie.

Not sure which one. Phantasm 2. Now go.

Boy.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Cory. You are not going to believe this.

Um, is this story going to take any longer than 90 seconds? Just asking.

Okay, look, I can't get specific because of the whole patient confidentiality

thing, but I just found out that Kane Hodder is staying in my hospital in room

1105.

What? What happened to him? Is he all right?

Apparently, he tried to kill himself after the Rock and Shot convention a few

weeks back when he found out he'd been recast in Freddy vs. Jason.

He's been at Boston General recovering.

That movie's like...

Ten years old. He just found out? I guess he was in total denial.

Some fan asked him to sign a copy, and he went off the deep end.

Supposedly, he's doing a lot better, but he's still on suicide watch by the

staff. Weird.

Guy's made an entire career out of killing people on screen, yet can't

successfully kill himself.

He looks like a prostitute who can't masturbate.

Or like an accountant who can't... Like a florist who...

Whatever, the masturbation was good.

Anyway, you didn't hear it from me, and I can't have anything to do with it. But

I was thinking maybe you guys could sneak in and talk to him or slip him a

script or something.

I mean, he's going to be in Boston for a while, so maybe when he's feeling

better, you could even ask him to be in Shinpads.

Hold on.

Why don't we see if Kane Hodder will be in our short film for Shinpads?

Dude, that's a great idea.

That's what I just said.

Now, now, Corey, do you have any pages from the script that we can slip to him

as a sample?

I've just the scene. Yes.

We'll throw on some scrubs. We'll slip into his room, in and out, super quick.

Kind of do his motto.

That's nothing to do. Got it. Yes.

Come on, babe.

Why do I have to go?

Because you're a woman. If we're going to pose as nurses, we need a woman with

us. Duh.

I?

That statement?

So mad.

Sit down, Tibbs.

Come on, babe. But I still have to figure out how to paint the amputated

legs. We can stop by the morgue.

Oh, yeah?

Joe, I have a few things that I want... Oh, my God, that poor pig has no legs.

Today, Laura... Just a sec.

Doctor? Doctor?

Excuse me, do you know where room 1105 is?

We're nurses.

We're giving him a script, not a lap dance.

This is the only costume I had.

Remember you bought this for me when you got tired of the sexy crab fisherman

outfit?

Sexy crab fisherman?

Sometimes Joe likes to play deadliest catch role play.

Whenever they pull out an empty cage, I have to pull Joe out. Okay, okay, got

it.

Let's go.

Dr. Kravitz, you have a visitor in the main lobby.

Dr. Kravitz?

Hi. There you are. I've been ringing the bell for like 20 minutes.

There you go.

I did number two.

I could smell that. Thank you.

How you doing?

Ahoy.

Wrong role play.

Oh, I mean, time for your enema.

Mr. Hodder, sir, we personally wanted to hand you this screenplay and offer you

the leading role of Skippy the Mexican Goalie in our short film, Shinpads. I

wrote the part specifically for you, because you're our favorite movie star.

Really appreciate it, guys, but I don't think I'm available.

I heard we're finally doing Freddy vs. Jason, and I don't know my start date

yet, so... They made Freddy vs. Jason, like, ten years ago, and you were recast

as Jason. Isn't that why he tried to kill you?

Uh, uh, uh, actually, actually, we just heard from production, we just heard

from production, and they're pushing back another year, so you're available.

I need to nurse an 1113 stat. Bad car crash, head trauma, and two shattered

legs. We need to amputate them right away.

Nobody move.

I've got this.

Wait a minute.

You're those two douchebags from the horror convention, aren't you?

Well, we just might have gotten off on the wrong So is that a pass

on a short film or I'll think about it give me that

Okay,

I'm in nice lay down next to you bitch

Robert England, Wes Craven, Daniel Harris. He's got Daniel Harris' cell

number. Sweet!

What do we do about him?

Look, I don't want to sound insensitive, but all we need to do is keep him from

offing himself until after we finish shooting.

No, that wasn't insensitive at all.

Plus, if he does kill himself after we shoot, we can say we made Kane Hodder's

final film. Free press!

Joe, you ever worry that someday you're going to go to hell?

Already been there, my friend.

Coming up next, Platinum Dune presents the remake of The Exorcist, starring

Miley Cyrus.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey.

How was your date?

On a scale of one to ten, about an F minus. I should have left the third time

mentioned F.

What is he doing here?

We signed him out of the hospital.

You what?

He's supposed to be on suicide watch 24 hours a day, and only a family member

can sign him out.

Meet Adam Hodder, Kane's new nephew.

Nephew, nephew, nephew.

No, no, no, no, no, no. He has to go back to the hospital, like, right now.

Relax. We're going to bring him back.

When? When we finish shooting our short film.

You guys, I said you should sneak in and flip him a script, not bring him home

from the hospital. hospital before he's better.

He's working through it. He's worse than he was in the hospital. What did you

guys do?

Nothing.

Joe? Okay, so we may have mentioned the whole Freddy versus Jason thing a couple

times by mistake.

How does that happen by mistake?

I can't help it. It just flips out. Freddy versus Jason.

He's incredibly delicate.

This could send him over the edge. You two should be trying to help him.

Not put him in your movie.

Can't we do both?

Watch. It's okay, Cain. Freddy versus Jason sucked anyway.

See,

he's okay.

Oh, hey, Cory.

Laura, please tell me you had nothing to do with this awful plan to sign Cain

Hodder out of the hospital.

Me, no.

But I amputated a guy's leg.

What? What's the...

is going back to the hospital right now. No!

I'm keeping him.

But if you're going out, will you please be a doll and get us some paper plates?

You can't keep Kane Hodder, Laura. He's a sick man, not a carpenter turtle.

Oh, my poor sad baby.

Do you want another bonbon boon?

What's a bonbon boon?

They're Colombian lollipops. They're just like blow...

Except that blow pops don't come in salsa and onion flavor.

Let me see that smile.

Let me see that smile.

Where's my happy boy?

Oh, good job. Oh, oh.

See? All better.

Jalapeno and cilantro flavor.

Not his favorite.

What are you doing up so late?

I'm on suicide watch.

Who? Who's trying to kill themselves?

Kane Hodder. Wait.

How come sometimes you already know exactly what my problem is, and then

times I have to explain it to you?

Good question. But that's not important right now.

What's important is, why are you keeping suicide watch over the guy that plays

Jason?

Well, because Joe and I signed him out of the hospital so that he could be in

our short film.

Good idea!

Yeah, but now I'm not so sure.

I mean, maybe Corey's right, and we shouldn't be taking advantage of Cain

he's in such a fragile emotional state.

Adam, don't you know that if men didn't take advantage of people in fragile

emotional states, then no babies would ever be born!

Adam?

Dude, that guy is built like a truck!

I'm sad.

Can I sleep with you?

And wicked gay.

No, absolutely not. If you tell him yes, then you're an even bigger pansy than

he is.

Aren't you comfortable out there on the couch?

I just need to be near somebody.

Tell him no.

You don't want to sleep in here, though, because I wet the bed.

So do I.

Are you kidding me?

You've got to be kidding me right now.

You know what? Here, why don't... You take the bed, and I'll just... Okay.

I'm scared.

Me too.

Hello, Facebook.

It is so awesome you get to be a guest on our show, Kane. The fans are going to

be stoked. How many viewers you guys got?

Well, we had Tony Todd on the show once.

Is she single?

Uh, Cain, this is our boss who just wanted to say hello very, very quickly.

Dude, it's such an honor. I'm a big fan.

Would you mind just signing this hockey mask real fast?

If you could just sign it and not personalize it, that would rock.

You don't want your name on it?

No, I get a lot more money for it on eBay.

Oh, I saw that one coming. All right, let's go.

Hey, if you like rock and roll, check out my band Diver Down. Don't do that.

Monday night, Olive Garden, South Attleboro. It'll change your life!

Yeah!

Ew, they're cute.

Good evening, creeps and cadavers, and welcome to the Movie Crypt with Adam and

Joe, where tonight we're joined by horror icon Kane Hodder.

So lucky to have Mr. Hodder with us tonight as we host Jason Goes to Hell

The Wedding Planner.

Oh, I know every word to that movie.

J -Lo, bitches.

So before we started production, Joe and I just wanted to sort of, you know, lay

down some ground rules.

Number one.

Make it a rule on our set that no actors are allowed to kill themselves.

So, no killing yourself.

At least not until we're done with the DVD commentary.

I hope I come back as a cat in my next life.

No problems, no heartbreaks, no getting recast. Trust me, you don't want to be

that cat.

He's mentally ill. The vet said he's got Katzberger's disease.

Oh, that is so sad.

Okay.

That's enough. You're squeezing the kitty a little tight there.

Give me the kitty.

Give me the kitty.

Okay,

rule number two, no punching the director ever.

Oh, come on. That's fair.

I mean, you don't punch me. I don't say Freddy versus Jason.

Freddy versus Jason. Freddy versus Jason. When can I stop saying it? It

rolls off the tongue, right? Wait, hey.

Hey, look at the kitty. Kitty, kitty. Look at the kitty. Look at the kitty.

Here's the kitty. Here's the kitty. Here's the kitty. Here's the kitty. Oh,

there he is.

Rule number three, Joe and I, we like to make our sets like one big family, you

know? And so we ask every actor to bring along another actor that they're

friends with. So that way we just have one big group of friends working

together. I don't have any friends.

I'm not even Jason anymore.

Now I'm going to get stuck doing Friday the 13th rip -offs with one of you young

directors that think they're making the next horror icon.

Nice ad lib, Dick.

You like that?

Oh, come on, Cain. I'm sure you have a bunch of friends.

Like, uh, I don't know, um, Daniel Harris from the Halloween movie. Dude,

be great.

I don't think I have her number.

Oh, look at that. It's ringing.

Daniel? Hey.

Kane, do you want to do a short film with me?

What's it called?

Shinpads. It's not titled.

What's the pay?

Deferred. But? You'll never see any money.

But it'll be fun.

It'll be amateurish and difficult.

I was just kidding.

No, it's going to be a quick shoot, and it's probably going to be a blast.

The script's probably the best I've ever read in my career.

I don't know. I guess the writer's about six feet tall and... Six feet?

Really? Six feet?

Ripped and hot.

You should date him and stuff.

You are beyond pathetic.

And you've really gained a lot of weight since last season.

Yeah, I could text you if you... I just... You will?

I mean... Kill!

She's going to do it.

Daniel Harris is coming to Holliston.

Dude, we did it. We're making a short film with two living horror icons.

Pain's feeling better.

I'm going to marry Daniel Harris.

I finished my painting.

Piggly no wiggly.

And I... Wait, what good thing happened for me?

You got a bomb -bomb boon.

Freddie versus Jason.

We don't need a reason. We got the good ambition.

If you don't believe us, we can make it on our own.