Original subtitles

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Oh, you guys, it is seriously a blizzard out there. Took us an hour just to get

to Milford Mandarin and back.

It's freezing in here. Is the heat on?

Too expensive.

But, ooh, here, have a blankie.

Oh, by the way, on the way over here on WAAF, they were saying apparently

there's an escaped killer on the loose. Some crazy lady busted out of Framingham

Prison and could be anywhere, even Holliston. Yeah.

I heard that, too. Do you remember the Christine Kringle Tingler from last

Christmas? Wait, you mean the woman who dressed up like Santa, cut off her own

mother's head, and wrote PUNISH on the wall in her blood?

That lady? Yep.

That's crazy, right?

You would think they'd move her to a bigger prison in Boston or something by

now. But apparently Framingham has the only all -women's prison in the area.

Framingham sucks!

She's not coming to Halston. There's way better people to kill in Ashland or

Franklin. We'll be fine.

Hey, what are you guys watching?

It's a Wonderful Life.

Grandma Santa Claus, which serves as a great reminder that it's not a wonderful

life, Cory.

Oh, cheer up, Scrooge.

He's Jewish.

No Christmas spirit.

Hey, I resent that.

I happen to love Christmas.

It's a time of year that makes me realize I'm smarter than everybody else.

Why is that?

Well, because when I was a kid, one of the first things my parents did is

explain to me that there's no such thing as Santa Claus.

You know, so that I wouldn't feel bad that he was skipping our house every

But then I'd have to go to school, and all my little Gentile friends would be

like, oh, Santa Claus is coming.

And I would just sit back and laugh at the stupid morons.

And that's why... Go on, tell her.

And that's why Jewish people are smarter than everybody else. It all starts with

the fact that there's no such thing as Santa Claus.

Ow!

What was that for?

Just getting you ready for the pain you'll feel when you burn in hell.

Don't believe in hell.

I regret, and I haven't won the lottery yet.

At first, into the hole, I ain't got no place to go.

Man, that was delicious.

Thanks, Corey. No problem. It was actually pretty cheap, too. So just like

bucks each.

You know what? My treat.

Merry Christmas!

Aww.

You always get to open a present on Christmas Eve. Just one present. What's

big deal?

Dude, I only got her one gift. What am I, rich?

Let's wait till tomorrow.

Okay, well then how about as a Christmas Eve gift, you guys turn the heat on?

Even for just like an hour?

Impossible. It's possible.

Not without gas service, it isn't.

We did not pay the gas bill.

We paid it.

Last winter.

Did you guys not pay the electric bill either?

We paid that one.

Um, what's going on?

Whoa.

Power's out all down the street. Blizzard must have knocked out a line.

We could always move the party to my parents' house.

We could.

We want it to ruin Christmas forever.

It's really coming down, you guys. I mean, there must be a foot and a half of

snow on the ground already, and it's not stopping.

Looks like you will be spending the night.

On the couch.

On the couch.

Oh, hey, my radio's battery -powered. Let me go grab it.

Okay, so there's a maniac on the loose, and now the power's out.

You guys, I really, really don't want to get killed by a serial killer on

Christmas Eve.

At least not by one with such a stupid name.

If I was going to get killed, I'd want it to be by someone like Sterling

Torrington. Who's Sterling Torrington?

I don't know, just a name I made up, but it sounds cool, right?

All right, let's get an update on the storm.

9 .50 a .m. here in Boston.

Or not.

I'm Kevin Farmer, and in other news, the mentally deranged woman known as the

Christine Kringle Tingler broke out of Framingham Women's State Penitentiary

earlier today.

The mass murderer known for inscribing the word pot... Goddamn Framingham.

You guys, just turn that off.

I don't want to listen. It's creeping me out.

Do you guys have any candles?

Adam does. No, I don't.

It's a power outage.

They're Halloween limited edition candles. No.

So we're just supposed to sit here?

In the dark?

We have a flashlight.

Candles would be really cool right now.

I have some candles in my room.

Is he always this anal?

Yeah.

Adam's been like this since the day we first met.

A flashback episode!

Children, I'd like you to meet your new classmate. This is Joe.

He's just moved here from New York.

Say hello, Joe.

Hi.

Is there anyone here who wants to volunteer to have Joe sit with them?

Joe, is there anyone here you'd like to sit with?

What? Why me? Why should I have to sit next to that kid? I've never seen that

kid.

Sorry, kid.

Joe, why don't you have a seat next to Adam?

Can I borrow a crayon? No!

I keep my crayons alphabetized by first letter of their color.

Get them out of order. God.

Sorry.

Freddy's better than Jason.

Nuh -uh.

Yuh -huh. Nuh -uh. Yuh -huh. Nuh -uh. Yuh -huh. Hey, Adam and Joe, see me at

bell. He started.

No, I didn't. That's enough.

Zero charisma. Sin of supremus. Zero charisma. Sin of supremus. What are you

looking at?

Want to see a dead body?

I'll show you after school.

And that's how we became best friends.

What about the dead body?

There wasn't one. My parents just couldn't afford crayons.

I want to see a dead body.

Maybe later, babe.

Are you just telling that story again about the time that you got a boner in

boy's showers?

No, no, no, no.

No flashback here.

That was something different.

Something different that...

Never happened.

Just turn on the radio. Let's see if there's another storm update.

So expect a white Christmas indeed.

Damn it. Officials are still on the hunt for the Christine Kringle Tingler.

However, a second convict has escaped from a neighboring prison in Natick.

is this, like Jurassic Park? The power goes out and all the fences fail? Police

are now on the lookout for a local elderly man awaiting trial for randomly

shooting four late 20s friends in cold blood.

Last spring.

Photographs are available on our website of the accused gunman, Sterling

Torrington.

Best Christmas ever!

We're going to spend Christmas either freezing to death or getting maimed and

murdered by either a deranged lady or... Sterling Torrington. That guy.

I know, right? This is so much...

So what do we do now? No TV, cold food.

Should we play a game?

We could play a game of wine.

How do you play?

Well, basically, we open the other bottles of wine that you ladies brought,

then we drink them.

How do you win?

Everybody wins at wine, Laura.

Everybody wins.

I better at least call my parents first.

Let them know I'm going to miss Christmas, but I am alive.

I want to hear more stories.

What about you and Cory? How did you guys meet?

Cory's never told you about how we met?

It's a pretty amazing story.

It was like... sexual fireworks.

Playing dodgeball today or what?

Uh, doctor's note, sir.

Bunch of morons hitting each other in the face with their balls.

You were falling and you ran.

What?

I'm wicked bad at gym.

Me too.

My name's Corey.

What's your name? I mean, my name's Corey.

That's my name.

I'm Adam.

Adam. Oh, sorry.

Thanks for helping me.

You're welcome.

I've seen Mrs.

Schiffer and still... Corey?

Yeah?

Do you like Halloween movies?

Because there's a new one playing this weekend.

I've never seen a Halloween movie.

That sounds moot.

Maybe your mom...

could drive and my mom could pick up.

Okay. Okay. All right. All right. Okay.

Okay.

Okay, I gotta go.

Corey? Yeah?

Uh... Here, this is my doctor's note. Mm -hmm.

It'll get you out of the gym whenever you want.

You can have it.

Something out of a movie.

Until I went to the nurse and she checked my head and found out I had

I forgot about that story.

Remember we went to see Halloween 5 for our first date and we had to bribe that

high school? Hey, did they ever explain who that guy was at the end with the

boots on who busted Michael Myers out of jail?

Well, they actually tried in part six, but... Yeah... Nope.

You guys already finished another bottle of wine?

I'm winning!

Well, I better catch up.

Any more info on the storm?

And that's tracking down the Christine Kringle Tingler. However, police

officials in Bellingham claim they have a suspect in custody that they believe

to be escaped native gunman Sterling Torrington.

Double ball.

How about how we got to know our boss, Lance Rocket?

Let me guess.

You guys went into the cable station and applied for a job?

Well, it all started in high school.

No, do you want to? No, you know what? Why don't you do it? No, no, please.

No, go ahead.

No, please.

Clearly you want to tell the story.

It's all you.

Your flashback. You wrote it, so please.

You know what? I don't even know it, so why don't you do it?

Please. Go ahead.

Please. Go ahead.

Please.

Go ahead.

Please.

Go ahead.

Maybe if you both put it up...

Ho,

ho, ho, ho, ho!

It's Christmas time at Crazy Max's discount mart in Holliston.

Other stores call their December sales holiday sales because they don't want to

offend anybody.

But I say, fuck you, it's Christmas. You say it's Hanukkah too?

No!

I'm Crazy Max, and if you can't find it here this Christmas...

Roll flashbacks.

So which ones did you get?

For a Vinnie Vincent invasion and trickster.

No, you got him trickster last month.

You don't care.

Oh, shit.

Hey, mister.

Good evening, Hollis Day.

Hello, Nick.

And that stuff's behind the counter because we're both 18.

We just forgot our driver's licenses again.

Both of us.

Well, send it for me.

Oh, only a few free CDs I stole from Strawberry.

I already got Trickster.

Right, but now you can have one that you can listen to and one that's unopened

in its original wrapping.

That Trickster album will be a collector's item one day.

Okay, we do.

You're amazing, dude.

Now, what are we going to call our movie?

Oh, I was thinking... Kneepads.

You know, because of the whole soccer zombie thing?

No one's gonna pay to see a movie called Knee Pads unless it was porn.

What about... Shin Pads?

Yeah.

Shin Pads.

Okay. Remember, you two have never seen me before in your life.

That's on her. Wait.

Welcome to this headbanging ball.

Ricky Rackman awaits.

Keep it crazy, boys.

Ta -da!

Whoa.

Look at all those intestines.

Someday, dude, we'll be in Fangoria and have even more intestines.

When he started working at the station, did he remember you guys?

Never said a word.

I'm hungry again.

Well, you know what they say about Chinese food.

It sucks in Los Angeles.

I know that you're always hungry an hour after you eat it.

I will heat you up a plate.

I think I'm starting to feel that wine just a little bit.

Maybe a little.

Besides, we have no power.

So how exactly were you going to heat up that plate?

Uh, the microwave?

Duh. Duh.

1115 on this blizzardy Christmas Eve. Officials are now saying that they

they have tracked the Christine Kringle Tingler to the town of Holliston,

Massachusetts. Residents are instructed to stay inside and not open the door for

anyone until the escaped prisoner... ...commencement speech at Endicott

today, which results...

Punished. Shut up. I'm scared.

I'm mean.

Relax, you guys. This town's like the size of a few city blocks.

If the killer is in Holliston, I'm sure the police will have her in no time.

Christmas special is brought to you by Milford Mandarin.

Fine Asian cuisine.

Mmm.

When we last left off, a deranged serial killer was off the loose in Holliston.

And the gang was trapped without power.

Joe's hair looked fantastic.

Cory was tipsy.

Adam's acting was...

Christmas Kringle. The Christine Killer. What is it? The Christine Kringle.

Stop it.

Fine.

Austin Police Department.

Open up.

Huh.

Good evening. Is everything okay here? Yeah, yeah. We're fine.

Hmm.

Sorry to interrupt your Christmas Eve evening, but there seems to be a

deranged woman on the loose dressed as Santa.

Yeah, we heard.

She escaped earlier today from Framingham Women's State Penitentiary.

God damn, Framingham.

Officer, it's a blizzard outside. Where's your jacket?

I have my regulation hat. Thank you.

No, we're fine.

We're just waiting out the storm, telling stories about how we met.

Ah, a flashback episode, huh?

Good evening. Is everything okay here?

Good to see you again, miss.

Hey.

Everything clear?

Everything is fine!

I'm an adult, thank you!

Okay, so, um, any update on the power situation?

Yeah, it's the same old, same old. He outranks me, so he orders me around like

my dad or something. I'm a grown adult. I can do what I want.

No, I meant the electricity.

My partner and I, we're going door to door, making sure everyone's safe. We're

asking everyone to remain inside with their doors locked. And guys, for your

safety, please don't answer the door for anybody.

What about you?

What do you mean? We just answered the door for you.

Oh. No, no, no. I mean, from this point forward, nobody answers the door for

anybody. I mean, unless it's me, then it's totally fine.

Okay?

Yeah, but what if it's someone pretending to be you?

Oh. Right?

Oh, that's a good one.

Okay.

Nobody answer the door for anybody, even if it's me.

Got it.

Thanks, officer.

Come on, guys, stop it. There's no need to thank me. It's what I do. That's why

I wear the badge. I protect and I serve.

If I got the opportunity, I would love to catch that Christine Kringle tingler.

If I could just get my hands on her.

She will rue the day that I grab her throat so tight.

I'm out! I'm out!

Merry Christmas!

I should get out of here now, as I was saying.

You guys have a safe night, and God bless.

Happy holidays.

Happy holidays.

All right.

Who's ready for more wine?

Hey, I need to get my flashlight back.

Um, sorry.

Can't open the door for anybody.

It's okay.

It's me.

Not buying it. I was just in there.

If you don't back away from that door right now, I'm calling the cops, mister.

Okay, okay.

All right.

Honk ever this weird?

Not really.

Although sometimes Hanukkah comes in November, which is a... Ah!

Hanukkah!

It's pretty crazy.

Hey, speaking of surprises, do you remember when we set up Joe and Laura on

their first date?

Second greatest.

What was the first greatest?

The day that Jesus was born.

Oh, come on!

How was that the greatest day of your life? You weren't even alive then.

Funny, I don't remember you being there.

Just do the flashback thing.

Hey, Boo.

Yeah? What are we going to name our third baby?

Oh, I was thinking Horace.

Middle name Pinker.

Our third baby's going to be a little girl.

Remember, Boo?

That's right.

Your pigtails are so pretty.

Thank you.

Your socks are so hot.

Thank you.

You have really, really, really sexy knees.

So, are we leaving for the show?

Um, actually, we're still waiting on my roommate, Laura.

She's just driving in for the night so she can go to the show with us. I

it was just us three going.

Nah, man, but Laura's cool.

She's a big Alice in Chains fan, too.

Dude. We don't need a third wheel slowing us down tonight, okay? When that

starts, I want to get right to the front of the stage, okay?

I want to get so close I can just see Elaine Staley's track marks.

Trust me, you're going to, like, love her.

Love her.

Door's open, Laura.

Hola.

Joe, this is my roommate, Laura.

Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

Saw a dead raccoon on the road on the way over here. Had a bit of a struggle

getting it into my trunk.

May not have been completely dead, but now it is.

What?

You're so...

Just because Corey's so insecure with herself that she needs to join a

and pay to have superficial friends doesn't mean she can't have a cool

nonconformist roommate like me.

You'll have to excuse Laura's sense of humor.

She's from Columbia.

You'll have to excuse Corey's sense of... I don't get it.

They have a very unique friendship.

I love my quarry.

Should we get going now?

Wow.

Have you seen my car keys?

Car keys?

Mm -hmm.

Do you two ever stop? You've been holding hands forever.

I'll hold your hand forever if you want.

Do... Do you... Do I what?

Do you have five bucks?

I'll take care of you. Take care of you.

Take care of you.

Why don't you get a room?

Okay.

Let's finish the breakfast.

More wine?

Any more wine and I am going to be dead.

I'm not trying to get you guys. Yes, you are. I'm not. Why would I do that?

I'm not.

Wouldn't it be fun if we... We should go to bed.

We should go to bed. I'm tired.

I'm tired.

I'm beat.

I'm so sleepy.

You know what? Why don't you take my bed and I'll just take the couch? No, no,

don't be ridiculous. I'm perfectly fine out here.

But if you sleep out here and the Christine Kringle Tingler comes, you're

to die first as opposed to third or potentially fourth.

You know what?

Honestly, I'm so tired I won't even know she got me.

And I have Axel to keep me safe.

You know he's a cat, right?

He's not going to do anything to help you.

All right.

Right on. All right. Good night. Good night.

See you later. Please help.

Well, I always stay up late on Christmas Eve.

Been waiting for Santa Claus ever since I was a baby scum dog.

But Santa never came?

He never came.

Tim, I didn't know that you were Jewish, too.

I might not deserve presents, but I'm not evil.

Jewish people are not evil.

Eh, tell it to Mel Gibson, my Hebrew friend. I saw the movies.

I saw... The movie.

Holder, how long does it take to get over a broken heart?

It's Christmas Eve. Can't I just get one night off of your lame bullshit?

I'm serious, though. I mean, it's been years, and I'm not any closer to getting

over Corey.

And now, tonight, she's sleeping right out there.

And it actually hurts your heart to have her sleeping right out there.

So close to you and not in here with you.

Yes.

You are pathetic.

You don't understand.

Look, get her to sleep in here with you.

Have sex with her one last time.

Then it'll be out of your system and you can go on with being friends.

Easy. But you don't think that adding sex to a difficult relationship would

make things even more complicated?

No, no, no.

Adding... Sex, to a difficult relationship, always makes things

Besides, maybe when you get her clothes off, you'll find that she smells like a

dead parakeet or something, and then you'll really be over it. I had a

once.

Cropsey. I came home from school one day, and his head was just torn off.

I must have gotten it caught in the bars. That Cropsey taped indeed a

It was, um, one of those poorly made... cage things.

Besides, even if I could get Cory in here, she would never sleep in here.

never go for that.

Do her.

Do her good for me.

Go lick the words to stairway to heaven.

What's up? Hey.

Are you all right? It's... freezing out here and now that the wine's kind of

starting to wear off a little bit i'm cold um i was gonna see if you have a

hoodie or something i could borrow oh yeah well here um you can just take this

one because i was actually i was just gonna take it off your hoodie yeah you

know what though i have like 50 of them so i don't even need that you need

gloves no i'm good aren't you gonna be cold no no that's the weird thing about

this room it's like the way the building was set up i don't know if it's like

all the heat in the building just goes right into here it's like

And the room just kind of like a sauna sometimes.

Oh, so stupid.

It came with the tree, and so it was free.

It was either hanging up here or in the bathroom.

What's the kith near a bathroom?

Weird. It's even kind of close right now.

I know. Well, it's far enough away, but in the bathroom, it gets really gross

sometimes because of Joe. Why doesn't he use a toilet brush? I don't know, but

the toilet brush. Tonight was fun. It was. It was really fun.

Telling all those stories and everything.

Yeah.

I'm really, really glad that we were able to work through everything.

Me too.

I wouldn't like life without you in it.

I would hate life without you in it.

So... So... I'm really glad we're friends.

Yeah, me too. I was just thinking that. I was like... Kiss her with tongue!

Uh, thank you. You're welcome. Are you sure you don't need it? No, that's all

you. Okay. Okay.

Good night.

Good night.

Corey? Yes.

It's tradition.

Yeah, we don't want to mess with tradition.

I feel like, you know, messing with Jesus and Christmas and stuff is bad. I

don't want to do that. I mean, especially, it's not even my tradition.

But, you know, I don't want to piss him off anymore.

Then my people are asking if he's still not over that. And it would just be

really awkward. And then he'd come back. He'd be all like, oh, this I did for

the Inspector Gadget or whatever you guys are into. I don't know.

I think we should do it for Jesus.

Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait. This is a terrible idea.

Terrible's a terrible word.

Well, if we do this, we could screw everything up.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah, me too.

I think I just got carried away. Me too.

The

hockey

mat goes here.

Wait.

What?

We're forgetting something really important.

I mean, are we making a huge mistake?

No.

Of course not.

Okay. Okay.

I mean, you're not going to, like, freak out or anything in the morning, are

you? No.

No. Okay. I'm good. Okay, good.

Are you good? No, I'm good. Okay. Okay.

Ready? I'm so ready.

I'm going to be... So? It's done.

Sorry.

Backed.

Dude.

Merry Christmas.

Hey.

Hi.

Merry Christmas! Oh, my God, no way!

Busted! I don't know what it looks like. It's a Christmas miracle.

See, it really is a wonderful life. No, it's actually not. It's so not a

wonderful life. Maybe just a really sexy life.

This is the greatest present we could have ever asked for.

It's about time you changed. Stop, okay?

cold out here, and so I slept in there.

But that's it. Nothing happened. I swear to God.

Better be careful swearing to God on Christmas morning, Corey.

I mean, you don't want to wind up going to hell like your boyfriend.

Not like that. The last thing I want is for Adam to be my boyfriend again.

See the power's back on?

Yep.

Leftovers are warming up, and we're ready to put the X into Christmas.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah.

As you saw, by the fifth time, I was... The power's back on.

I think I can make it to my parents' house after all. Yeah, but the Christine

Kringle Tingler is still at large, according to the news. You shouldn't

I'll risk it.

You're going to go out there and risk getting... tingled?

Corey, at least let me drive you home. Then I'll know you got home all right,

and I'd love to see your parents. My parents don't need to see you, Adam.

then I can make it in time to open presents. Presents!

Okay, presents.

Presents, presents.

Presents, presents.

I gotta go.

You're not gonna stay for presents?

I'm sorry.

Wait. You're not gonna open any of your presents, Corey?

Merry Christmas, you guys.

Do you guys see Corey's present?

There it is.

I thought I was the one who wasn't allowed to freak out in the morning. I'm

freaking out.

You're not freaking out. Then where are you going?

I'm just really pissed at myself, okay?

I mean, I feel like everything had gotten so, so good between us, and then

just have to go and ruin everything.

How did you ruin everything? Because of that last night?

How much longer are you going to do this to me?

To us?

We're supposed to be together. How do you not see that?

It's been obvious since the day I first met you.

I knew right then that I was going to be with you forever.

When I'm near you, I'm happy.

Like when we used to go to the movies, just being able to sit next to you,

nothing else in the world can compare to that feeling of being near you.

And I think that's why I picked this.

Stupid career.

And so I can always feel like I did when I was with you.

And no matter how bad it gets and how many times I get rejected and told no

how broke I am, I just keep going because it's worth it because maybe I'll

able to feel like I did when I was with you.

I am so in love with you. How do you not see it?

I want to be with you and Mary.

I'm sorry, Adam.

I have to go.

Stay.

Come on.

If you're going to go, just...

No, I can't. Just take it.

It's nothing.

You got it?

Merry Christmas.

You sure?

What did everybody get?

Well, Laura got me the Nightmare on Elm Street box set, some awesome action

figures, an issue of Fangoria, and Dead Island.

Riptide.

Joe got me this cute bunny hat and a bunch of country music CDs that I bought

for Cory.

Don't you boys get each other anything?

We don't exchange gifts.

It devalues the spirit of the holidays amongst dudes.

We don't have any money.

And there's that.

Oh, but... Corey left you this.

Halloween 5.

Well too bad we don't have a blu -ray player to watch it with and she also got

you

Well, I'd say this is one of the best Christmases we've had in years.

I'm hungry again.

There's probably still a few egg rolls left.

I don't want any more Chinese food. It's Christmas.

I want turkey and ham and empanadas.

What's an empanadas?

You know, I've learned something this Christmas.

It's not about the gifts or the food. It's about the togetherness. God, shut

Seriously, I have a hunger headache, and if you keep going on with that speech,

I'm going to stab you in the face.

Well, is there anything else open on Christmas besides Chinese?

They're the bigfids in Framingham.

I hate Framingham.

Well, let's do it. My treat.

I don't have any cash on me.

Put it on your credit card.

Why don't we call Cory and see what her parents are serving?

Speak of the devil.

Merry Christmas!

if you don't believe us we can make it