Original subtitles

Oh, I love you, Katie Holmes.

Sam Raimi, if I ever meet you, I'm going to shake your hand.

Oh, what's that, Katie?

You want to show me your gift?

Oh, my.

Oh, I'll call you Joey.

What if Casey finds out?

Hello? Hello, Adam.

Who is it?

Do you like scary movies?

I'm kind of doing something very important right now. What do you want?

Let's play a game. If you win, I hang up. If you lose, you die.

Sorry about that, Katie.

Now, where were we?

What? Did you hang up on me or did I just get iPhone'd?

Seriously, I am taking care of some very important business. I don't have time

for this. In the movie The Ring, how many days do you have to live after

the videotape?

Seven.

Actually, yes, that was correct.

Okay, bye.

If you hang up on me, I'll gut you like a fish.

I thought that you were hanging out with Laura tonight, Joe.

This isn't Joe.

I'm watching you right now.

Oh, yeah?

Okay. If you're watching me, what was I just about to do with myself and the

chick from Dawson's Creek?

I... I never saw that show. Was it any good?

It was good for a guilty pleasure.

I sort of gave up on it once Andy became... Why are we talking about this?

I was always a party of five guy myself. I admit that the whole Charlie having

cancer angle was pedestrian and about as contrived as a network drama gets, but

I still found myself falling for the characters in their complicated

Honestly, the only reason I ever gave Lost a shot was because of Matthew Fox.

He's just so charismatic and lively. Not to mention super good looking.

Could you please close the door?

Hey, man. He -Man called. He said that Hordak wants his look back.

Oh, man!

I've been rocking this look since way before the evil Horde ever showed up on

that show. Idiot.

God, man.

Dude! You stabbed me!

Sarah, we've had our eyes closed for like 10 minutes now.

Just a few more seconds and then you guys can look.

Maybe you should have finished the painting before having us sit here with

eyes closed.

For real.

Sitting here with my eyes closed like this, I can't even tell what I'm doing.

You know?

I mean, being blind, I could wind up inadvertently and accidentally

touching... Don't!

Joe, it's ready!

Somebody says don't peek. You guys really don't peek.

Believe me, we learned our lesson the last time.

Not looking.

Ready?

Ready.

Look.

It's called my love.

I'm entering into the Impressiveness Contest.

It's... I mean... You finished it?

Don't even have words.

I've got a couple of words.

Actually, if anybody wants to hear them.

No?

Thank you. I mean, I don't know what to say.

You painted me.

Anybody else notice that Joe sort of looks a little like Hitler in that

painting? I did notice that, too, yeah. I did.

No, he doesn't.

He does.

He really does.

You know what I think? I think you two are jealous.

Jealous of that?

Dude, my bar mitzvah pictures just melted off the walls at my parents'

Anyway, who's ready for my good news?

Oh, I am.

Guess who's coming to Worcester this weekend?

Rock and Chalk's Weekend of Horrors. Not you.

The circus!

No.

Rock and shout, speaking of horrors. Yes!

Damn it.

How is that news? You guys go to that every year.

It's news because Mr.

John Landis was just added to the roster.

Landis? Yes!

You mean the black guy that sells out his friends and freezes them in

No, honey, that's Lando.

Landis directed, like, all of our favorite movies? You don't understand

big deal this is.

Like, these horror conventions, they never get A -list directors like that.

It's always just, like, actors signing autographs and charging money.

Like who?

Oh, you know, like Zombie No. 7 from Day of the Dead. Or that creepy little girl

who had no lines in the Hills Have Eyes remake.

Or Kane Hodder.

Well, that is so cool that you guys get to meet him.

Oh, we don't just get to meet him.

We can give him our trailer for Shinpads.

Wow, you can just do that?

Of course.

Cory, there's nothing that celebrities appearing at a convention like more than

when you hand them a pitch or a screenplay or a treatment or a business

they want you to sign something but not put their name on it because they're

going to sell it on eBay later or they want to touch you inappropriately or

you on the mouth and you don't know what they have or hug you and they stink and

they're smelly and they're a dude.

Can I come?

I always kind of wanted to check one of these things out and people watch.

Sure. I want to go too, but I'm not having dinner with Lando.

Bad things will happen, Joe.

Bad things.

You guys can totally come, but first we're just going to sort of need to do

something about that.

What, my boobs?

No, not your boobs.

Your whole, look at me, I shop at the mall thing.

Your boobs are... awesome.

Okay, look, I might shop at the mall, but I have been to Hot Topic.

Yeah, but have you ever bought anything at a Hot Topic?

Oh, that stuff is for sale?

I always just thought it was a museum of lame.

Great, so it's a planned Saturday. Now, let's get into work early so we can

finish editing our trailer.

To the cable station!

Hello, Hollison.

Hey, Lance.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

So how was the Dangerous Toys concert?

It was Faster Pussycat.

There's a difference?

It was righteous.

Time you down? Gave me a beer.

Who's she?

He's the singer of Faster Pussycat.

Nope, don't know him.

Yeah, well, he gave me his beer because I was right down in front just totally

rocking out when they played The Power of the Glory Hole.

You didn't.

Drink it, did you?

Bet I did.

I chugged it right down. And I chugged my beer, too. It's a special skill of

mine. I was like... We got it.

We got it.

So, wait.

A rock star handed you his beer and you drank it?

Do you have any idea how many people that dude has probably been with or what

diseases he might have?

No. You know, I do look a little tired there, Lance. I am trying a new mascara.

Come on, boss.

You should know better than to share a drink from one of those filthy rock

stars. Driving into town, wearing women's clothes, sticking their dicks

everything that moves, spreading diseases, doing drugs.

Hey! Some of us only wore women's clothing, okay?

Whatever. As long as it doesn't burn when you pee, you should be fine.

What?

It. Doesn't burn when you pee, does it?

No.

So what do you think? Are we ready to show this trailer to John Landis?

I think so. I mean, it's not perfect, but if we could get a quote from him, it

would totally add some credibility to it.

But wait, do you think there's a little too much gore in this?

Is there such a thing?

Well, I want to be taken seriously, you know.

Joe, it's a movie about an undead soccer team.

Of course people are going to take it seriously.

Wes Craven, eat your heart out.

Wake up!

Cory, come on.

Time to go.

Dude, it's 7 .15.

Yeah, gotta beat the line at Weekend of Horrors.

Are the girls ready?

Almost. Come on, come on, come on.

Okay, I'm going.

Just anything.

Anything will be good.

Oh, will you just put on anything? God!

Hurry up!

Gotta find a clean shirt.

It's a horror convention.

No one there has even heard of deodorant.

Yeah, but what if I meet somebody?

At the weekend of horror.

Joe, the art of being single is to always be prepared.

Okay, maybe the love of your life is a goth girl with 12 lip piercings and an

evil dead shirt, but you're not gonna meet her unless we go now!

Okay, all right. Keep it working.

This shirt stinks like last year's Halloween party.

Like we have enough quarters for laundry. You're funny, man.

What's going on over there?

Looks like the guy on the left did not abide by the item limit rule.

Dude. Dude. What?

Daniel Harris.

Awesome.

She's the girl from all the Halloween movies, right? Oh, she's an icon.

Halloween 4, Halloween 5, Steakland.

Free Willy.

She is so cute and pretty and tiny in real life.

Wow. Could you be any more jealous, Corey?

Come on.

Say something. You say something. What am I going to say to her? Come on.

the guy who talks all the time and says funny stuff.

We can get her to be in shin pads, too. Come on.

Come on. You can do it. You're the writer. Come on. Bitch.

Bye.

Bye.

You were awesome in Last Action Hero.

I wasn't in Last Action Hero. I was in Last Boy Scout, actually.

You were good in that, too.

Oh, thanks.

What is that smell?

That's probably her.

I'm going to...

That went well.

I don't want to talk about it.

You think you're going?

I just wanted to give something to Mr. Landis really quick.

Line starts outside, okay? It's like a three -hour wait.

But what about this short line here?

This is for gold pass holders only, okay?

Well, how do you get a gold pass?

You pay for it, duh.

How much? Like $165.

What? That's ridiculous.

Oh, you must not be a real fan, then.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm a real fan. I actually make horror movies, okay?

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Well, if you want to know, I happen to be making a little film called Shin Pads

right now. Oh, Shin Pads. Never heard of it. Sounds like a rip -off.

Of what?

Everything's a rip -off nowadays.

The last great horror movie was Jason Takes Manhattan.

Oh. Oh.

Please. Oh, yeah?

Who's the gaffer in American Werewolf in London?

Morris Gillette. Duh.

How many songs in the movie have the word moon in the title? Oh, all of them.

Duh. My boyfriend's so cool. Come on, man.

Give me a real question.

Okay, okay.

What was the name of the dog that Rick Baker owned during the production of the

movie? Huh?

Huh?

Bosco busted.

Back of the line, dork.

That guy was so mean.

I'm sorry.

Now what are we supposed to do?

Well, how do we get one of those passes?

Well, we can't afford one, so I guess we don't.

What about that line right there?

Babe, I like the way you think.

I don't?

No, you guys are not pretending to be disabled to cut in line.

Whoa, what kind of person do you think I am? I was suggesting they hand their

trailer to someone in that line to hand to Mr.

John Landis.

Yeah, but then we wouldn't meet him.

You want to meet John Landis?

No, no way. You guys are not doing that. I'm saying no on this.

Oh, stop. Stop it, Corey.

Half the people in that line are not handicapped anyway, and you know it.

Let's do this.

Hold up.

I guess it takes a woman to get the job done.

Stay right here.

Hey there.

No continent lines, skank.

How'd that work out for you?

I like the disabled idea.

Hey, grab that wheelchair right there. That's perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey! Kane Hodder, wow!

Hey.

That's a pretty funny joke you made about me earlier in the episode.

What? How did you see... Bitch.

How you doing?

Good.

I'm Cain.

Hi, Cain.

Is this guy bothering you, Corey?

Hey, lay down there next to your bitch.

Lay down!

So what's your number?

Oh, it's, um, 617.

Yeah.

8 -9 -12.

12?

It's not even a number.

some ice for your head?

No, I'm fine.

Who?

Dude, you got beat up by Jason Voorhees. How cool is that?

He hit me so hard I saw it back in my childhood.

It was awesome.

Where did Corey run off to?

She's been gone for like 22 minutes.

She went to the bathroom to give herself a makeover because she felt so out of

place here.

and she might be taking a dump.

No.

Girls don't do that. Trust me. I dated Cory for like seven years. That girl

not poo.

Right.

Us girls are like unicorns. We simply whisper glitter out of our bodies.

Hey, guys.

Whoa.

You look hot.

I just threw this together in like two minutes.

Two minutes? But what were you doing for the other 20?

I had to go to the bathroom.

No, you didn't.

You'd look like Marilyn Manson if he had bigger boobs.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Geez, has this line moved at all?

Not an inch.

Because this convention treats us handicapped people like dirt!

What are you looking at, faker?

Fake this, dude.

Uh, yeah, that's fair.

Thank you for your service.

I wasn't in the military.

It was a boating accident.

That's why I don't boat.

Ahoy.

Well, Cory, do you want to go look around? I think the boys can handle

in line on their own.

Yeah, let's go.

Oh.

If you guys see any Michael Myers action figures, could you pick me up one?

Oh, yeah. Do you have any money?

That was mean.

Hey, if I see one, I'll buy it for you.

Aw.

Come on.

Here we go. That's what I'm talking about.

What about this one?

Really?

Can I help you? We're just looking.

Hi.

Goblin.

You should dye your hair black.

Bond is the color of conformity.

Um, I was born with it.

We're all born with sin.

Pain is the only reality. Hey, don't you work at Express at the Natick Mall?

Sadness is my only wardrobe.

No, wait, wait. I totally know you. You're April, right?

I say, hi, Mr. Landis, we're making a film, and we wanted to show you the

trailer that we're using to get the funding.

And then you say... And then I say it's called Shinpads, and I give them the

logline.

Which is?

Dude, I know what it's about. I don't want to keep doing this.

Dude, we have one shot at this.

We can't risk having another episode like your Danielle Harris encounter

earlier. That was you.

Whatever makes you feel better about it, Joe.

Go.

Shin pads is about an undead soccer team who rises from the grave to get

revenge. The line for John Landis autographs will be closing in five

What?

Gold passes are like 165 bucks. We're not even there yet. Come on.

Yeah, but we didn't buy a gold pass.

God, you're so negative.

Wait.

I know how to get it through this.

Quick.

Act more disabled.

Dude, how am I going to act more disabled?

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Make a wish foundation coming through. Sorry, sorry,

Hi. Hi.

What's your name? My name is John.

Joe.

Joe? Okay, Joe.

Mr. Landis, we're actually making a movie, and we wanted to give you the

that we're using to get funding.

Animal House was awesome.

Thank you for that.

You did a really good job with that one. Thanks.

So, what's your movie called, guys?

It's called Shinpads.

Shinpads. Shinpads.

Shinpads.

Shinpads. Yeah, that's a terrible title.

But you know what? They told me that about Kentucky Fried Movie, so go for

Kentucky Fried Movie was awesome.

You did a really good job with that. Well, the movie's about an undead soccer

team who rises from the grave to get revenge.

Okay. And, well, we made this trailer and wanted to give it to you to see what

you thought, if that would be okay. Right there, Joe and Adam.

Sounds good.

Hey, Diss, keep the line moving.

Oh, there's an address on the inside if, you know, you want to write us and let

us know what you think.

What's up? Hi, girls.

You were such a dick to Han Solo.

I'm sorry, she's Mexican.

Colombian? Whatever.

Well,

I'm not pushing you back to the car.

You did a really good job with that.

We... Fine.

It's a pleasure meeting you, sir.

Dork.

Jesus! John Landis made that man walk!

Welcome back to the Movie Crypt with Adam and Joe, where tonight we're

the greatest werewolf movie ever made, An American Werewolf in London.

Now, Joe and I had the distinct pleasure of meeting American Werewolf director,

Mr. John Landis, earlier today at Rockin' Shock's Weekend of Horror.

And, not to brag, but I gotta say it, Adam and I told Mr. Landis about our own

horror movie, Chin Pads, and he was very excited about it. Wicked excited about

it. In fact, in his own words, Landis said, sounds good.

Now, we're going to try not to let that go to our heads, but in the meantime,

keep an eye out for Chin Pads coming soon to a theater near you once we get

funding for it and make it. Adam, what was your favorite moment of the weekend

of horrors?

I would easily be meeting the lovely Danielle Harris, who was pretty into me.

Well, she was pretty all right. For me, I'd have to say getting beaten up by

Kane Hodder really takes the cake. I mean, how many people can say they

Jason Voorhees and lived to tell about it? He knocked you out cold in one

second. Let's just agree to disagree as we continue with more of tonight's

special feature of American Werewolf in London.

And we're out.

Hey, Lance, you really fight the guy who played Jason.

It's a long story. Actually, no, it's a very quick story. Kane went smack, and

then Joe went boom. That was it. It wasn't like that.

I'm bad at fighting.

How are you feeling, Bob?

Well, doctor checked me out, said that burning sensation for poor circulation.

So I can't rock the leather pants for two weeks.

So what about the... These are pleather. Much more breathable.

So, close call, but the love rocket gets the love rocket again.

Gross. Besides, doctor said the worst I could have got from drinking somebody's

beer is herpes.

I've already beaten that several times.

Don't you get herpes for life?

Depends where on your body you get it.

Again?

Gross. So you guys have a good show, because I got dudes to rock and chicks

roll. See you all Monday.

See you. Take it sleazy, boys.

Oh, it's hot!

Oh, it's hot!

Oh, here.

Don't drink the water from this fountain. Doctor says I need to get the

sterilized.

Good night!

Woo!

Well, my painting was rejected by the impressionist contest.

That sucks. I'm really sorry, Laura.

Random, insincere words of encouragement.

But somebody on the panel of judges wants to buy it. Really?

He offered me $2 ,000 for it.

Oh, that's awesome.

He wants it for his Nas memorabilia.

He must like rap.

My first sale. Yay!

Let me see that.

Laura, that says Nazi memorabilia.

This guy's a neo -Nazi. You can't sell him that painting.

Nope. Delete.

Delete fast.

Why is it that every time that someone wants to buy my paintings, they're

a neo -Nazi, a Satanist, or a registered sex offender?

I don't know, Laura.

Why do you think that is?

Dude.

Landis just wrote us a letter.

What?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What did you just do with all of our bills?

What bills?

The bills that you just threw back out in the hallway.

What bills?

I'm so excited. You read it.

Dear Joe and friend.

And friend?

I'm and friend? I don't even get my name on the letter? Will you shut up? Go on.

Shin pads. Oh.

Dear Joe and friends. You already read that part. Skip ahead.

I watched your trailer for Shin Pads.

I appre... appreciate... Fail.

You read it. Thank you.

Okay.

I watched your trailer for Shin Pads.

I thought it was humorous in the best way possible.

Humorous isn't even a word.

And I think you both show a lot of promise as filmmakers.

I wish you the best of luck in the future.

Sincerely, John Landis.

Dude!

Oh, my God!

That's amazing!

Amazing! Gotta frame that. Can I see it?

Let me see it.

What did it really say?

I watched your... Excuse me.

I watched your trailer for Shin Pad.

I appreciate making fun of inept and amateurish filmmaking as much as the

guy, but your absurd premise and hopeless execution is probably the worst

I have ever had the misfortune to watch.

Once you two decide on a career that you may actually be good at, like pizza

delivery boy or bagger at a mini -mart checkout stand, I will wish you the best

of luck.

Until then, if our paths cross in the future, please avoid me.

Sincerely, John Lando.

Lando.

I'm really sorry, you guys.

You know what?

I've been saving this for a special occasion.

Let's celebrate.

Dude, where did you get a bottle of Crystal Head vodka?

I bought it.

No, I didn't.

I stole it when we did the ad for Bunghole Liquors.

Look, so what if one director didn't like our trailer? Guess what? We

it. You know what's good?

I know it's good. And I'm not going to sit here and let one negative opinion

deflate all that we've done.

You know who does that?

Quitters. And what are we?

We're complete and total losers.

We're not quitters.

We have a kick -ass trailer under our belt.

We have each other.

I have a ridiculously cute girlfriend who paints portraits of me. You two got

over the awkwardness of breaking up and are now friends.

And I am totally going to pay you back that $200 I took from your room last

week.

You stole 200 bucks from me? Stop being negative.

You know what?

I'm totally with Joe on this.

I think we need to have a drink. We need to celebrate the fact that everything

is going to be okay.

Your herpes are scabbing up nicely.

We have nothing to look forward to but good time.

So come on, you guys.

Come on.

Who's with me?

Me.

Oh, God, it's so hot.

Keep that change, you filthy animals.

Are we in this episode or not?

No. Oh, okay, sorry.

We got.

If you don't believe us, we can make it.

But nothing can stop.