Original subtitles

What about Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2? Should I transfer that to DVD or let

it go?

Dude, Part 2 is worth it alone just for Jesse's dance number when he's unpacking

his room in the beginning.

Hilarious. And besides, aren't you going to transfer Part 3?

Dream Warriors.

Of course.

Well, then you have to have Part 2.

Not necessarily.

I mean, I transferred all the Halloweens except for the one with Busta What's

-His -Nuts.

Trick or treat, mother.

Are you eating my last Butterfinger?

No. Dude, not cool.

You know how much I love Butterfingers.

They're so buttery and fingery.

I can't help it. I just love me some Butterfinger candy bar.

Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger.

So, are we good?

We're good.

Anyway, as I was saying, I don't think I need to own every movie from a slasher

franchise on DVD if I think that some of them are so bad I'll never actually

watch them.

Well, like, you can't call yourself a Pumpkinhead fan if you don't even own

Pumpkinhead 2 Blood Wings.

There was a sequel?

There were three sequels.

Where were you?

So, were they any good?

They were... movies.

See, there's a difference between a true fan and an obsessive -compulsive

collect... Hold on while I have another

bite of this buttery, crispy Butterfinger.

Mmm.

So good.

Oh, Joe.

Look what I just randomly found in our couch. Holy cow.

Another Butterfinger candy bar.

Wow. Thank the Lord, because these are my favorite types of candy bars.

Mmm. Mmm.

Actually, totally serious, you know what? This gives me an idea.

What if we sent our script for Simpads to Butterfinger?

Maybe they would like it enough to sponsor it. I mean, that right there

get us the financing to get it made.

One step ahead of you, buddy.

I actually contacted Nestle and sent them the FinPad script and told them it

the undead soccer movie with bite.

And what'd they say? Did they like my script?

They're reading the script right now.

Not cool.

Butterfinger!

You guys sponsored The Simpsons.

I'm in debt. I regret.

And I haven't won the lottery yet.

I'd burp into the hole. I ain't got no place to go.

Why does this anybody want me?

Why does this anybody need me?

He looks like something that fell off my dick in the war.

Brother, drink.

Nice.

Go. Oh, okay. Uh, a naked man stole my blue.

An American wealth in London. Drink.

Um, okay. Uh, if you hit the wrong notes, we'll all be flat.

Goodie!

Nice. Let's go.

Go. Go, go, go. If you hit the wrong note, we'll all be flat.

I just said that.

We didn't get a lot of movies in Columbia.

And that's game.

You're popular tonight, Laura.

45 more followers in the past 15 minutes. This is crazy.

I didn't even know you joined Twitter.

I signed up last night.

It's a great way to promote your artwork.

Joe and I made an account for ShimPads last year, and we already have, like,

what, 50 followers?

12. Hmm.

What's...

Thousands. What? How?

Oh, my God. Joe, is that tweet NBI detect?

No. It's just, how does someone get that many followers that fast?

People must like my artwork.

I have fans.

Yay.

Let me see that.

You guys should be happy for Laura. She could start selling a lot of paintings

with this kind of exposure.

Exposure is one word for it.

What do you mean?

Nice profile pic, Laura.

Thank you.

Laura.

What? What? Give me that.

What? That's a really cute profile picture.

Thank you.

Scroll down.

What?

Your wugget is showing.

My what?

You have zebra lobe.

You can see the bald man in the boat.

You're just... Playing a package of pink Thin Mitten.

What are you guys talking about?

Meat curtains.

Ham wallet.

Lars Ulrich's knees.

Harry Potter.

E .T.'s feet.

Okay, honey. You have camel toe in this picture.

No, I don't.

Oh, my God.

You can see the outline of my thigh snoodle.

Well. On the bright side, at least you can't see the rest of the Max Rebo band,

right? I mean, your cervix isn't showing.

How do I take it down?

Give it to me. I'll do it right now.

What's your screen name?

Putrid Pestilence 2.

Putrid Pestilence 2? I know it. Somebody already had Putrid Pestilence 1.

Password? I love Joe.

Aw.

Nope. I love Travis.

Nope.

Who's Travis?

Any other guesses?

Try Craig, BJ, Joel, Will, or Jenny.

How many guys have you loved?

Wait, who's Jenny?

I went through a phase. Don't judge me!

Lauren, none of these are working.

How did you already forget your password? You just signed up yesterday.

If I knew how I forgot, I'd still remember, duh.

Well, maybe when you entered it, you spelled it wrong. I did that when I set

my email account, and now I'm forever joef at yahoo .com.

Stop laughing.

I don't know, but you just got about 20 more followers in the past two minutes.

Oh, look, maybe it's not that bad. I mean, did you tell anyone in your real

you were joining Twitter?

No.

My dad.

Look,

we've all made mistakes like this before.

I haven't. Not really.

Point is, we'll write to Twitter, we'll have it removed, and then someday we'll

all look back at this and laugh.

We produce more cable commercials than any other company this quarter in New

England.

Then what's the bad news?

According to this poll, ours are the worst.

Well, if you're going to be the worst, you might as well win at it, right?

The lady from regional is coming down at 5 o 'clock today, and I've got to show

her a good commercial.

Think. What do we have?

What about the one from Ashland House of Pizza that Adam just finished?

The one with the talking gerbil?

Our pizza is the cheesiest.

It's too weird.

I don't want to know where you guys found a talking dribble in the first

but that was a good impression, Adam.

We could show the Crazy Max President Day sale spots.

We could, but I don't want to get sent back to New York.

Then why don't we just tape somebody else's commercials off the TV and show

one of those?

Now that's the kind of craftsmanship and creativity I'm talking about!

You guys get on it. I'll get ready to meet the lady.

Whoa, boss.

Why do you need, like, four hours to get ready?

You don't think this just happens, do you, Adam?

Oh, hey, boss, do you mind if we duck out early today? We gotta go meet that

effects guy for the movie trailer we're shooting. You get a good commercial on

my desk, and I don't care what you do.

See? Don't ever say I'm not supportive of you two wasting your time on this

horror movie crap.

How could we ever say that?

Call me nuts.

I suppose imagine two of you owning your own little low -budget cable

advertising company one day.

That or modeling underwear.

No.

Excuse me.

I've got to go get ready and show this little lady where the down boys go. Ow!

She's going to be my cherry pie!

all this stuff out isn't this great supposedly this is the guy that did the

first pass and all those awesome werewolf transformations in trick -or

that was this guy well no they got someone else to do the actual movie but

guy gustavo did the original test effects the original test effect yeah so

he did wasn't used in the movie and that's the good thing for us why look

guy had an online post that said he would do effects for free Can't beat

huh?

Did you ever think that, I don't know, maybe there's a reason why this guy

doesn't get paid for his work and that the work that he does do gets cut out of

the movies? Maybe that's because he's so awesome that he doesn't need to get

paid? Come on, dude, your glass is always half empty.

Joe, we're in a barn.

Did you notice that? This is a barn.

A lot of awesome things happen in barns.

Jesus was born in a barn.

That was a manger.

See? Already a step up. Can I help you guys?

Uh,

Gustavo?

Uh, no.

My name is Neil.

Oh, um, well...

I'm Joe, and this is Adam, and we spoke to Gustavo earlier about doing effects

for our project that we're doing called Shinpads.

Shinpads? Shinpads. It's the undead soccer team movie with bites. It's about

team of Mexican soccer players who get massacred, but then they come back,

a decade later to seek revenge.

Why? Well, because they were murdered by their own coach. No, I mean, why are

you making that? Do you know when Gustavo's gonna get back?

Do you want to see something awesome?

Yeah.

Check out the moose knuckle on this chick's Twitter picture.

Awesome.

You know what? We'll just sort of come back later, maybe when Gustavo's here.

Yeah, that's cool.

Hey!

Nice to meet you!

Gustavo? Yes, I am Gustavo. You're here to see my effects, yes?

Yes, of course.

What happened to, um, Neil?

Who is Neil?

What's your glass half full of now?

So, uh, filmmakers, tell me about this picture. Your zombies, they are, uh,

badly decomposed, recently deceased.

Uh, in the movie, they're about, uh, they've been buried for about ten years.

Okay, so very rotten, stinky.

And this, uh, we only making the trailer? You not make the whole film?

the trailer right now.

but then we're going to use that to raise the financing to make the feature.

It's kind of like how those guys got Hatchet made.

Ah, Hatchet, yes.

Terrible picture.

Yes, Hatchet, abomination. Only thing worse than direction is writing. Make

wonder, did they have script or was Adam Green just masturbating all over the

set? Stop ad -libbing, Seth.

Sorry.

The whole thing is, we only have about $200 for the entire effects budget.

You've come to the right place.

I make you something on par with Dawn of Dead.

Dawn of Dead?

Wait, the Romero one or the remake?

They remake Dawn of Dead?

Yeah, a couple of years ago.

Where was Gustavo?

It's horrible.

Next you'll know they remake the thing and try to say it's prequel.

See, the thing with this is, though, like, our trailer, it's just going to be

the money shots.

Oh, you're shooting sex, huh?

Oh, my face, Sam. Don't you need a damp rag?

Different kind of money shot.

But we'll need damp rags, definitely, because there's going to be a lot of,

like, severed heads and eye gougings, ball rippings, demon semen, tons of that

stuff. Yes, yes, very sexy.

The one sort of catch, though, is that we want to try to shoot this next week,

and so there's, like, no prep.

Well, will there be girls?

There'll be a few girls in this movie, sure. Will there be girls like this?

Look down.

You can see Alice Cooper's neck.

Yeah, I've seen it.

Time.

Me too.

Uh, there will be girls, yes.

Okay.

I'll do it.

Huh? We make a movie, we're going to be friends. Yes. Great.

We're getting something very good. I love it. Actually, if you could just

one second. I think you and I should just sort of step outside and talk alone

private, like just me and you without him.

I don't like your friend.

You must be Ryder, huh?

As a matter of fact, I am the Ryder on the project.

You can always tell. Ryder is always, no, that's not how I see it. Or, oh, I'm

suing you for ruining my vision, Gustavo. Or, oh, no, we need more

undefined multimedia areas. Let's thrive for six months and not really get

anywhere under the crushing thumb of the Producers Guild.

Ryder's full.

Okay, you and I, we're leaving right now. Hold up, hold up.

Unless you can find someone who can do what we need in a week. Let's go.

an effects artist. All effects artists are nuts. They hang out with corpses all

day.

I'll handle him. We really don't have a choice, okay?

Trust me.

It'll be fine.

So, uh, under further consideration, we'd love to have you on board.

You're hired, Gustavo.

Oh, so you're deaf as well as ugly? I told you my name is Neil.

It'll be fine.

Gustavo may not be Greg Nicotero, but he'll be just fine.

You know, I've actually heard that Greg Nicotero suffers from the same multiple

personality disorder as your little buddy Gustavo.

In fact, when they were shooting The Walking Dead, Nicotero thought that he

a real zombie, and he bit Frank Darabelle, which is what caused him to

show.

Seriously? No, but I'll tell you what, J .J. McClure, if your little Savini goes

all Captain Chaos on me, I quit.

A lot of references.

Thank you.

The door!

Come on, come on.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

So are you two just sort of going to always be here after work, or are you

going to get your own place?

Season two.

song's terrible. Adam, I was just getting to the good part. You know what?

lyrics are making you sound like a whore.

Any luck taking the picture down, Laura?

I've tried every password I can think of and I still can't log in.

She's actually not kidding. We've tried an entire high school yearbook's worth

of dude names that she's loved.

I didn't need to hear that.

Have you tried writing to Twitter and just asking them to take it down? We

Please allow up to two weeks for a response.

Man, that's brutal.

That's like when you ask IMDB to take something down.

When have you ever needed IMDB to take anything down?

Every day, the same guy keeps posting that I'm the worst writer ever.

El peor escritor del mundo.

14 ,000 followers?

Now, I don't want to sound insensitive, but maybe this is a good thing.

Well, when we finish our shin pads trailer, you could Twitter it out to all

those people.

Wow. I never realized what a good thing this was for me.

You know what, Laura? Maybe you should just forget about this and focus on your

artwork. But if I paint when I'm this sad, it'll negatively affect my artwork.

We wouldn't want that to happen.

And I keep getting all these tweets sent to my email. Like this one.

Nice, fleshy gym sock.

That is so messed up.

Any luck with the effects, Guy?

Oh, you mean Norman Bates?

He's fine.

The stuff in his shop was great, and he was willing to do it for our budget of

zero.

But?

But he's mildly schizophrenic. Ugh, throw it.

What?

Fleshy gym sock?

Anyhoo, we're making the shin pad trailer.

Now, all we need to do is cast a few screaming girls willing to show little

titties on screen.

Ooh, you want me to show the twins in your trailer?

No, I don't think so.

What's the difference?

You've already shown half of Twitter Kevin Costner's left Waterworld gill.

I'll do it. What?

Well, how much is the camera going to see?

Have you seen Laura's Twitter?

The whole world has seen my little Twitter.

Here's the deal. I am not showing anything below the waist.

And if you have my boobs on camera, you can't show my face in the shot.

Now, why would we need your face?

when we already have your boobs?

I mean, look, your face is nice, but come on, if we just skip to the boobs,

needs the face?

I think what Joe's trying to say is that, yes, there's a way to shoot it

seeing your face, but, I mean, do you really think that this is a good idea?

Then I'm in.

Are you serious?

What? You guys, it's going to be funny.

I mean, haven't you ever kind of wanted to do something like this just for the

thrill of it?

No. Okay, I'm going to be doing this as part of an acting role.

That Twitter photo's just a slutty cry for attention.

No offense.

Well, you'll be acting in a schlocky trailer for a B -horror film that will

probably never even get made.

No offense.

You know what?

Still better than showing 14 ,000 strangers a free glimpse inside the

mouth.

No offense.

I have chlamydia.

Latex is set. When you call action, I pull.

Perfect. Ready, Adam?

I am ready.

And action.

Action, Gustavo.

Action.

Don't take direction from the writer.

Director calls action.

Okay. And action.

What, blood? Yeah, I'm going to need many more tubes. I didn't realize you

so much blood. Maybe if you had read the script, you would know.

What are you doing?

Neil?

Sounded like you were giving me orders.

I was talking to Gustavo.

Who?

He's right here, I swear to God. Oh, man.

I'm going to give you about two seconds.

Don't mean it. It's all I need. Don't finish this shot. Hey!

Yeah! Yeah!

Can you believe this? We're actually making the Shinpads trailer.

Yeah, if Tyler Durden doesn't kill us first, it's fine.

Does it look okay?

Yeah, I guess. I mean, for insert shots, it should be fine. Great. Then after

this, we'll go home, we'll get Corey's nude scene, and then on Saturday, we'll

get the Mexican soccer team done.

About that.

What?

I'm just not really comfortable with that whole thing.

Adam, just because they're Mexican doesn't mean you need to be nervous

okay? And as someone dating Mexican, I find that a little bit offensive and a

little bit racist.

Okay. First of all, I love the Mexican people. And second of all, your

girlfriend is Colombian.

Same thing.

It's Cory's nude thing, you know? Like, I just... I'm not comfortable with that.

Oh, here we go.

Look, I don't want the whole world seeing her boobies.

You're talking to the guy whose girlfriend showed the entire

sideways Big Mac.

That was different.

That was an accident. I can't in good conscience let Corey do this when I know

she's going to regret it later in life. It's her choice, okay? And hello, she's

not your girlfriend anymore. It's just a little skin.

You know what? If it was somebody else's movie, I would be totally fine with it.

In fact, I would want to see it.

And own it.

On DVD.

And Blu -ray.

Maybe a digital copy.

To watch.

Every night.

Before bed.

Okay, let's do this! Alright, let's do this! Let's do this! Let's do this!

do this!

Dude, no one's going to know it was her, okay? I wish I could say the same thing

about Laura and her Twitter photo of Greedo's lips.

Okay? All right, everybody ready? Ready!

I

wasn't

rolling.

He never said action.

You stupid writer.

I kill you. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I kill you all. What are you guys doing here?

I kill you.

No, right. I kill you.

What did you guys do to my barn?

This is going to take forever for Gustavo to repair.

You guys look really messed up right now.

Oh, dude, declare. What are you farm boys doing in this room?

What is this mess?

What the hell happened here?

You're the one who said, trust me, it'll be fine.

No one's going to know we spent all day there and didn't even get a shot, okay?

You didn't even get a shot?

Uh, no, we, we, well, I, I got a meat hook.

56 ,000 followers have now gazed upon Winnie the Pooh's honey pot.

So where do you guys want me?

Thank you very much. Okay, madame, let's put you right over here in front of the

green screen. Great.

Okay, so now what we're going for here is total 70 style.

You should have told me that before I shaved.

Actually, what I meant was less camera moves and more zoom.

Oh, okay. Got it.

And I just stand here?

Oh, actually, you're backing away from a zombie soccer player who just kicked

your sister's head right into the goal, okay? So, um, hands up. Act like you're

just about to be attacked.

A little more.

One more. That's like 211.

Perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect.

OK. All right.

And great.

Ready? Oh, yeah. OK. Cool.

Excellent.

Oh, dear Lord.

So should I take this off now or?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Wait until I call action.

OK. Ready?

Oh, you know what?

This battery is starting.

It's starting to get a little low, so I'm just going to run my battery real

quick and get a room.

Look at that.

You dropped this.

Odor it.

Almost worried.

Odorous?

Hey!

What are you doing? What's a guy gotta do to get some privacy around here?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

I was only tweeting.

Really? Yeah.

Look at the wizard's sleeve on that chick.

Look, I need your advice about something.

Do you think you could come back in a minute?

Or maybe a minute and 30 seconds.

Look, I'm about to shoot a scene from my movie trailer where Corey shows her

boobs. Will you stop?

I feel like I'm taking advantage of her. You are such a pussy.

Can we say pussy on TV?

No.

Whatever.

Adam. Ew.

Don't worry.

I'll use my feet.

I'm starting to get a little worried about you.

How are you going to make it as a big -time Hollywood director if you get

squeamish over a couple of nude scenes?

I mean, imagine Scream if Wes Craven was uncomfortable with nude scenes.

There was no nudity in Scream. My point exactly.

Now, do you want to go down in history as the guy who made the crummy PG -13

remake of Prom Night?

Or do you want to make Free Animator?

I just want to tell good stories.

Don't make me have to destroy you.

But Cora's not even an actual actress.

She's my friend. It's awkward.

Well, let me ask you this.

Whose idea was it to get naked, yours or hers?

Hers. Odorous Yerungus will always say, if a girl wants to get naked, you let

her. Yeah, but we're not even paying her.

Hmm.

So that's it?

You think I should just do this?

Uh -huh. And more than that, I think you should give me the footage as soon as

possible to review in private. Now give me that phone.

I'm going to go continue to defile Joe's girlfriend in my mind while observing

Frankenberry's hot pocket.

Get out of here.

Okay, I got a battery.

Laura?

What's going on?

Sorry. Look, while you were in your bedroom, I was just telling Joe, I only

agreed to do this because I really wanted to help you guys out and show you

believe in what you're trying to do.

So what made you change your mind?

Joe talked me out of it.

He said he didn't think those were the right reasons, that I might regret it

later in life.

That, and she's got weird nipple placement.

I do not.

Kidding.

Okay, so then how do you explain... The way I see it, what are a couple of boobs

when the entire Twitterverse has already seen James Cameron's abyss?

Let's do this.

All right, everybody, back to one.

Okay, thank you very much.

I thought we had to replace the battery. No.

Okay, rolling.

And action, Laura. Okay, you're scared.

Okay, move up and down a little bit. Nice, nice, side to side.

Step back, hands up, and cut.

Great, you got it.

Well, my love, Mary, Kate, and Ashley are now forever immortalized in cinema.

profile image, Twitter has decided to cancel your account.

P .S.

Nice beagle ears.

Wait, does this mean we have to... Erase it.

Well, we just got this... Wow!

Good evening, Parson!

What's up, boss?

Hey, how did it go with the lady from Regional?

It was... Awesome! You should have seen me work this chick over. I was like

White Lion on the main attraction tour.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

So you showed her the national commercial that we taped off of TV, and

believed it was one of ours? And she was blown away.

In fact, I believe her exact words were, I had no idea you guys did the

commercials for Disneyland.

Didn't hurt that she was so into me, either.

She was?

That... I found it a lot more surprising than I intended.

Trust me, boys, nothing gets chicks hotter than a pair of fishnets and the

lip gloss.

So that's what I'm doing wrong.

Anyway, I just stopped by and said, thanks for helping me with all that.

But I can't stay for the show. I'm late for my meeting with Robin Liss, Twazy

Pistol, for this week's Cock Rock Marathon.

Up all night?

Sleep all day?

That's right!

Run to the angels, bitches!

In five, four... Wait.

Woo!

Good evening,

all of you sinister cadavers, and welcome to the Movie Crypt.

I'm Adam. And I'm Joe. And if you love being scared, it'll be the night of your

life. That's right. Tonight on the Crypt, we'll be watching Tom Holland's

classic vampire film, Fright Night.

And we're, of course, talking about the 1985 original film. But first...

Many of you out there have heard Adam and I talk about our own upcoming

film, Shinpads. When they score, you die.

Tonight, I've arranged a special surprise. We're going to show you the

ever footage from the making of our upcoming movie, Shinpads. Roll it!

Roll it!

Hey, movie crit fans.

This is Joe here at Aunt Dolly's effects barn in lovely Holliston,

Massachusetts, where today we're going to meet the wizard behind the special

effects for our upcoming film, Shin Pads. Here is Gustavo Smirnoff.

Hey, hey, get the hell out of my barn, you corpophiliac baby rapist.

So what did you prepare for us? Well, I brought one of the severed zombie arms

from the soccer players.

Awesome. Yes.

Okay, so what exactly does the severed arm do?

It does anything a regular arm can do, except it's not attached to a body.

Hello.

I am zombie arm.

Hello, zombie arm. Hello. Oh, we shake hands? Yes. Yes, I touch you, pal.

Zombie touching.

He's touching me. Yes, I'm touching you.

Mr. Writer, I'm not so sure we should be doing this. Are you sure?

Yes, I am the writer. I'm very feminine and quite brilliant.

Oh, no, Mr. Writer, I'm only zombie two days. This is illegal, except in places

like Bucharest.

Didn't you read my script?

Sinna takes place in Bucharest.

Ah, what an interesting loophole you've designated there, writer.

Or should I call you raper?

I'm kidding, that's my job. I'm molesting you.

This is where the zombie molest...

Does this remind you of your uncle?

Well, we don't want to spoil all of the groundbreaking and soon -to -be award

-winning effects for Shinpads. Now, Gustavo, do you have any final words for

Movie Crypt fans out there?

Yes!

All right, then. This is Joe for the Movie Crypt here in Aunt Dolly's garage

Holliston. Wait, one more thing.

What's that?

Mmm, Butterfinger.

Mmm.

When the show was a terrible idea.

Let me get my agent on the phone.

If you don't believe us, we can make it on our own.

But nothing can stop us.