Original subtitles

Welcome back to The Movie Crypt with Adam and Joe.

Now, before we get into the terrifying conclusion of tonight's feature film,

Sematary, I gotta ask, Adam, what do you think is the absolute most terrifying

scene in the movie? Oh, that's easy.

Zelda.

Scariest thing ever.

Ever? Ever. Oh, hell yes.

We're coming for you, Rachel.

And this time, I'll get you.

Gage and I.

We'll get you.

Probably the most traumatizing thing for my youth.

Even more traumatizing than the time when Maureen Lipschitz told our entire

senior class about your premature finish, and then the nurse had to send

home because you couldn't stop crying.

That's not what happened.

Maureen Lipschitz did kind of look like Zelda the more I think about it.

Lipschitz didn't look anything like Zelda. Now, let's roll into the final

and the terrifying conclusion of Pet Sematary.

You look like Zelda. We'll see you next week on The Movie Crypt.

Mwahahahaha!

Come on, dude.

Mwahahahaha! Hope you die.

You had to bring up the whole lip shit thing. It was funny.

Yeah, it was wicked funny, dude.

The worst thing that's ever happened to me.

The event that cost my parents six years of hypnotherapy, and you share it with

everybody in the state of Massachusetts. Thank you for that. I appreciate it.

Okay, A, until we come up with more than 11 viewers, you don't need to worry

about the everyone in everyone in Massachusetts, okay? And two, I thought

was a whole comedy time passage clause with tragic events.

A time passage clause?

Yeah, like, for example, the Challenger space shuttle explosion.

1986, 87, not funny.

Now... What, still too soon? Too soon.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize the whole shit lips thing was going to be such a

deal. God.

You're bad at sex.

You're bad.

Bad.

You're bad at sex.

You're bad.

I don't want to talk about it.

Thanks. No, dude.

Thanks, boss.

I still can't believe anyone tunes in for your horror movie garbage.

Keep retuning in? No.

But it's a good test for when I launch my own show.

Lance Rockets Cock Rockin' Metal Hour. All hair metal?

All hour long?

We've done it.

Yes!

Plus, guess who my first live musical act's gonna be?

Your own band?

Oh, hell yes. Diver Down's gonna rock the Van Halen covers, and everybody's

gonna be running with the devil.

Wow.

What a score for your show. I was so psyched to get my call.

All right, you guys wrap up. I gotta get going. I gotta date tonight.

Oh, whoa.

I didn't know you were dating someone. We met at my band's last show.

Or should I say we met backstage at my band's last show.

The VFW Hall has a backstage?

Well, they got a bathroom.

Tell us more.

A rocket does not kiss and tell.

Okay, um, how about just a name?

Riley.

And not that it's any of our business, but Riley is, uh... Metalhead just like

me!

Uh, no, like, Riley sex is... oral.

No, what I think Adam's getting at is Riley can be...

A girl's name or a boy's name.

Okay.

So... So what?

Forget it.

Human grace!

We've been diving down!

Good night!

Woo!

You almost ready to go?

Just a second.

What are you doing?

Dude.

What? Laura's staying over tonight.

No, I mean, dude, those things are only meant to be used once.

Um, do I look like I'm made of money?

Besides, it's totally fine if you wash it out and use it again if it's with the

same girl.

Really? Yeah, totally.

Just not more than three times. Now, four.

I lived better when I was a kid and got an allowance each week. Look at all

these VHSs I have.

Throw them out.

What? No way.

I'm going to transfer every one of these things to DVD, even if it takes me a

year or an entire season of a TV show.

Christ, Axel!

What? Your cat crapped behind the couch again?

He just hasn't figured out the litter box yet.

He's seven.

He's getting it. He craps everywhere but the litter box.

Stupid creature.

Hey. He's not stupid.

He's retarded.

The vet said he's got feline down syndrome.

Long thing is, plastic bag, pool at my dad's house, done.

Dude, look, check it out. Now, this is what I'm talking about.

Tell me how this crappy movie got made, yet we still can't get shin pads off the

ground. Have faith.

No one ever made it big by giving up. With a little hard work and some...

dedication. Someday soon, we will be saying, hello, Hollywood, and goodbye,

Holliston.

It's gonna happen. The world is just not ready for a scary soccer movie yet.

Oh, by the way, how are the script revisions coming?

I'm going all right.

I was actually gonna stay in tonight so I could rewrite the goalie's

dismemberment scene.

Wait, I thought you said you were hanging out with Deanna tonight.

Kind of thinking about breaking up with her.

Why?

It's just not working out.

Not buying it. It's not her. It's me.

Try again.

She's never seen Gremlins. And there it is.

Dude, I can't date a girl if she's never seen Gremlins.

I mean, she doesn't even know the three rules.

It's dangerous.

So, is this because she doesn't know about water and bright light? Or is this

really because you're still hung up on Corey?

Don't go there.

It's been three years. Two years and 48 weeks. She's not coming back. You don't

know that.

Okay, old high school girlfriends, they don't come back. They go off to college

and they sleep with football teams.

Let it go, dude.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not going to let it go. I'm done with excuses, okay?

This one doesn't laugh like Corey. That one doesn't smell like Corey. This one

doesn't sneeze like Corey.

She had a great sneeze.

Choo.

Look, Corey's just the perfect girl.

You know?

I mean, like, she's the type of girl that you just see her and you just want

like, buy her ice cream.

Haven't you ever felt like that about a girl?

I don't get it. Why are you going to break up with a perfectly good girl like

that? Seriously, what, over feeding a mogwai after midnight?

Look, Deanna's a great girl. She's got a huge rack.

She's in broadcasting, which means she's going to be able to support you for

life.

Did you eat my peanut butter?

No.

Yesterday, it was there.

Now, it's here.

So?

Unless you're gonna start paying for it, stop eating it. I don't like peanut

butter. I'm allergic to butter! Liar!

Did you just think about scanning me?

No. Yes, you did. You totally just pulled the scanners on me, you dick.

No, I didn't.

Hey, boys.

Hey. Hey, Laura.

Oh, cute.

Last night's show was bald.

It was funny.

Oh. Then you mean tits.

Tits are good.

Balls are bad.

Wicked bad.

What?

Mooring lip shit.

Right? Funny.

Shit lips. Huh?

Oh, I made you something. Come here. I'll show you. Oh, cool.

Oh, is it... Ew!

Maldito seras por resto de tu vida, gato.

What do you got?

Okay, I've been working on this for a year.

But I didn't get the inspiration for the clown makeup until last night.

I love it.

Oh, I just threw it together.

Great. Oh, how's the apartment search going?

Nothing yet, but I found a roommate.

Guess I'll move back to Holliston.

No. Yeah?

Hey, your name.

It's been three years.

Yeah, two years and 48 weeks.

You make it sound like he's still pining away for her.

Hey, Joe.

Did you borrow my DVD of Corey and I getting ready for the prom? I can't find

anywhere. Hmm.

Did you check in your DVD player?

What happened to Deanna?

She's perfect for him. Yeah, she's perfect until he finds out you know who

back in town.

Who?

You know.

Me? No, Corey.

What? Shit.

Spill it.

Corey, um, got a job at Boston Medical Center. So, yeah, she's back

in Holliston.

Yay.

This is awesome.

I told you she was coming back. This is the greatest day of my... That looks

like an aborted clown fetus. It is.

Ick.

So, what's the deal? When are we all hanging out? When do I get to see her?

We're going apartment hunting later. I'm meeting her at Casey's in a bit if you

want to join us for a drink later or a

Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

This is the greatest day of my life. I just need two seconds to get ready.

driving?

Do you mind? No gas. You haven't had gas for seven months. Why do you even have

a car?

$3 .95 a gallon? Get real.

I don't mind driving you around.

Well, someday we'll be making huge movies and I'll be able to take you

you want.

Even Subway?

Even Subway.

But until then, do you have $3 .75 in your quarters?

Audrey.

Just let me do one thing.

Five,

four, three, two...

Hey, Deanna?

Hey, it's me.

Listen, so I just found out that I'm, like, dying.

Yeah, I know, right?

But so I don't really think that we should see each other anymore because

be, like, dead and stuff.

Oh, I'm sorry. Can you hold on a second? I have another call.

So get over it.

Ah, Casey's Crossing.

Man, this place brings back memories.

Ah, Casey's Crossing.

Thank you.

Don't embarrass yourself, okay?

Dude, please.

Okay.

God, your hair smells so good. Thank you.

Thank you.

Adam, this is... Amazing?

No, this is my boyfriend, Kevin.

What's up, man?

Did you know she had a boyfriend?

Yeah.

Kevin,

Joe. Oh, dude, so awesome to meet you.

I'm going to get a beard, beard, yeah.

Oh, yes, please.

Can't drink tonight. I'm on call.

Kevin's a doctor.

Doctor!

So,

Adam. I have a girlfriend.

Okay. Yep. Great.

That's great. I'm happy.

I'm so happy.

What are you doing back in Holliston?

Oh, well, I'm working in Boston. And since I'm going to be paying off my

college loans until I'm, I don't know, 70.

I figure, move back to the hometown, pay rent, save the money.

16.

I'm saving a ton.

What about you? What's going on with your script for Rancid Aviators? Are you

guys going to make that?

Oh, um, Adam and Joe are inspiring horror movie filmmakers.

Cool. The Exorcist is my favorite movie of all time.

Thank you.

They have this really cool script about leper World War I pilot.

Uh, Bill Tweaking.

That script, actually, because we have, you know, got all these projects in

development. I don't know if you know what development means. You probably

know what that means, but it just means that we have, like, pre -production, we

have things in post -production, we have things in production production. Wow,

so then you're really making a living at it. Are you kidding?

Yeah. We're doing great.

Tip. We're doing great.

Well, great job, girlfriend.

It sounds like you're really living the dream.

Can't be much different than you and...

Ken. It's Kevin!

That's awesome!

You know, I have to admit, I was a little worried it would be, I don't

awkward seeing you again.

I heard you went through a rough spell.

Adam tells me your movies are going great.

Well, I wouldn't say that.

But we are talking about doing a mock trailer for our shin pad script to help

get the financing to shoot it.

We're seriously talking about that. We're in serious talks.

Great. Then where are you, you know, working, working?

Well, we shoot local cable commercials for Matt Cable Network.

Cable commercial.

You mean like those late night ones that always start halfway through the

commercial and have some guy standing in front of his furniture store waving?

It's not like that.

It's sort of like that.

Well, I know what it's like, you know? I mean, I'm still writing my songs and

doing open mic nights, but in my real life, I remove bandages and change

catheters for a living, you know?

Well, at least you get paid well.

We get paid dicks shooting crazy maxes discount, Mark.

That's a good kind of dick, though.

Well, Adam, tell me about your girlfriend.

Girlfriend? Uh, Deanna?

Oh, she's great.

She's so great. She's, um, she's sort of like, she's sort of like you, just like

better. Um, we met at a charity function that she was heading up for children

with bad cancer.

Bad cancer?

Wicked bad.

Just charity work?

Dude, I thought you and Deanna were... We're probably going to get married

someday.

See, that's what everybody says, right?

Huh? Yeah, see?

It's just like people look at us and we just like exude like eternal happiness

and forever, you know? Like you look at you guys, like, you know, not so much.

I'd say like, you know, maybe two months, three months tops or whatever.

look at us and it's just like a permanent forever type thing because

happy, you know? And I'm going to marry a girl and it's not going to be you.

Well, I can't wait to meet her.

Maybe someday.

What about tomorrow night, huh?

A double date with you guys. Old friend can catch up. No,

yeah, you know, that's probably not a good idea. I mean, you guys must be

busy, and this guy clearly has to work out or something.

We're both off tomorrow night.

Yeah, let's do it.

Dinner at the grill?

Oh, tomorrow? No.

Tomorrow night, that wouldn't work, because I'd have to check with Deanna.

Well, Laura, we should probably get apartment hunting, huh?

Ready when you are.

Okay, well.

Okay, well, we will see you guys tomorrow night.

Seven? Seven sounds tit.

Tits are good.

Let's go.

Bye -bye.

Drive home safe.

Are you trying to ruin my life?

I'm not going to sit here and let you piss your life away waiting for her. Did

you happen to notice her, um, boyfriend? Did you happen to notice that guy's up

front to try to make me jealous?

Huh? Come on, dude. Where the hell did Corey meet a doctor?

She's a nurse!

Whatever. I can play her game, too. She's going to see that I've moved on,

that I'm really happy, and she's going to want me back.

So you're really going to go on this date?

Yes.

Yes, I'm going to go on this date. What?

You think I'm going to fess up?

And tell her the truth and let her see how pathetic my life is?

No.

I'm going to go out with her, and she's going to see how happy I am.

Look at you. Look at that shitty shirt. Seriously. It's like I don't even know

you anymore.

This is a new low, even for you.

Hey, it's Adam.

Yeah, I know. It was crazy. There was like a miracle at the last second.

And my brain transplant went through.

You've agreed to go on a double date to try and get Corey back.

Don't you think it's time you just moved on?

You don't understand.

When Corey and I broke up, she said it was only temporary and that someday we

would get back together.

She said that she would always be in love with me. That is not what she said.

How would you know?

Adam, we're not getting back together.

Ever.

I don't love you anymore.

Hey, Blondie, move the arm.

That's semantics.

Adam, on my planet, there's only one solution to this predicament.

Like I always say, when love isn't going your way, pay for it.

What, like, like get an escort?

No, no, not an escort.

Get a hooker.

This way the sex is guaranteed.

A hooker?

What? How much is a hooker for, like, a two -hour date?

$225.

$2 .50 for role -playing.

That was quick.

And specific.

You don't understand.

I just want Corey to look at me as something other than the little kid who

got over her.

You know? Like, I want her to...

To see her future when she looks in my eye.

I want to grow old together and have lots of bait.

Where are you going?

Oh, I've got to be someplace.

But you're my imaginary friend. You can't just leave me when I'm like this.

Yeah, but I got that thing.

You know, that thing.

Douchebag!

Okay.

So I'm getting a hooker.

A hooker. For a two -hour dinner.

That's like 225 bucks.

250 if you count role play.

How does everybody know that?

Look,

I know that it makes me a complete and total scumbag, but I have to do this. I

have to go through with this. No, man. I get it. I do. Look, it's my fault too,

right? Why don't you just take from the Blu -ray fund?

Dude. I couldn't do that. No, really.

There's like 200 bucks in there.

Take it.

But that's all the money that we'd save for a Blu -ray player.

We don't even own a high -def TV.

We can't even afford Blu -ray discs.

Look at us. We have an Xbox.

We don't even have any games.

We have Resident Evil.

Because I stole it when we did the commercial for Game Haven.

Still counts as having games.

Go on.

Take it.

Thanks, man.

Are you ready for date night?

The couch awaits.

Were you going out with Kevin and Cory tonight?

Um, I am. I just, um, I need to find a number for somebody first.

Who? He's getting a hooker.

Oh, I have a number.

Hey.

So, Deanna, Adam tells me you do charity work.

We met at a fundraiser I put on for children with bad cancer.

Well, Kevin and I work at a hospital, so we see it all.

When you meet other people that care, it's pretty awesome.

And how do you all know each other?

Well,

Adam and I used to date when we were kids.

We dated for seven years and two months.

Childhood sweethearts.

Forever.

Well, we broke up after college and now we're friends. We're friends.

So, nice.

Adam was always sort of, I don't know, an inspiration to me, I guess.

I mean, he doesn't give up.

He chases his dream.

He's loyal.

He's funny.

Oh, wait, you're funny?

Well, I don't know about that. I'm just, like...

Be funny, then.

Do something funny.

Come on, do something funny. Do something funny.

We do this everywhere we go. It's, like, so funny.

Oh, damn.

Mr. Pendergraft's liver's failing.

Don't let us hold you up.

Leave. Sorry, everyone.

But I gotta get back to the hospital.

Babe, lie.

It's already been an hour and 27 minutes anyway, so might as well just call it a

night. No, no, no, no, no. Let's not let this ruin our night. Why don't we go

see a movie?

Can we add that to our night?

I don't know. I mean, an entire movie would be like two more hours. And, I

you're not really looking so good. And plus, I mean, we have that whole thing

tomorrow. Weren't we going to see your mom tomorrow? We were. We were going to

see mom tomorrow. So I think we should probably get some rest and just kind of

go home, okay?

We're going to go.

It's only 9 o 'clock. Don't be a wuss, Adam.

Yeah, don't be a wuss, Adam.

Could you excuse me for a second? Will I excuse myself real quick?

How nice is this? Alone, no sociopathic roommates.

Can we order pizza?

Too expensive.

But I'm starving.

Here.

Have some peanut butter.

Oh, cool.

Gremlins is on cable.

Never saw Gremlins.

Check the caller ID first.

Math, water, and power? No. Cable vision? No. Phone company? No. Then give

Hello? Dude, help.

What's wrong? Doogie Howser bailed and now Corey wants to see a movie. I'm

totally out of cash and I'm about to be so busted. What do you want me to do?

I need you to... Is she eating my peanut butter? How do you know that?

Look, she can have it. I don't care. Just come down to the grill right now

say there's an emergency at the apartment.

Say my bed's on fire. I don't care what it is, dude. Seriously, bail me out,

please. Okay, okay, okay.

I gotta go bail Adam out, babe. I'm sorry.

What's wrong?

No time. I'll be back.

He's playing at the Framingham 14.

Is that the one where they kill the guy with electricity?

No.

I'm not feeling so well. Sorry.

What's wrong?

You wouldn't understand.

Adam, I'm a nurse. I will understand.

Not this.

Do you have loose stool?

Do I? What?

Do I have loose... Ew!

No. No, I don't have...

What the hell was that?

Well, you ran off to the bathroom so fast.

I don't know.

I just want to mention that it's 9 o 'clock.

Are we doing this or not?

Um, you know what, Dave? I don't know if we can afford a movie tonight. I mean,

we've been saving up for that other thing, you know?

Adam, I can buy the ticket.

No, you can't buy the tickets. I can buy the tickets, Adam. It's cool. It is so

not cool.

Okay, it was a pleasure meeting you, Tori.

Good luck with your stool.

I don't have loose stool.

What?

What was that?

Uh, what was what? Um, your girlfriend just walked out.

That's Fiona for you.

Must be a cancerous kid in trouble somewhere.

Adam?

Shit. And who is this?

Um, who are you?

I'm Deanna.

What?

Okay, I'm a little confused because I thought... I'm his ex -girlfriend.

No, you're not.

Go away, random girl.

You know what? It's fine.

You can have him. He cries during sex.

I want to know.

So glad I found you. We've got to get back to the apartment right now. Why?

What's wrong?

The cat's wicked depressed.

Sounds serious.

Let's go.

Sit.

The cat's wicked depressed?

Okay.

I'm going to be totally honest with you right now. How good?

Could we step outside for a second?

Me and you?

Sure.

Here.

Where are you going? No, no, no.

Just stay here and order coffee or something. I'll be right back. I'll be

back.

Well, coffee, or should I just bring you the check?

I'll have another cup of coffee.

Okay. What's going on here?

Speak. Look, my cat Axel's been wicked depressed ever since he found out they

were recasting you for the second season.

In the moment.

Quit it.

This sucks.

This sucks worse than the Halloween when I threw up in my mask.

What?

known each other.

You know you can tell me anything.

I love you.

I've been in love with you since we were little kids.

I'm still in love with you now.

And I am always going to be in love with you.

Not what you wanted to hear, right?

I thought you had a girlfriend.

Or was she just... She was a hooker. You hired a hooker? What?

More coffee?

Sure. Thank you very much.

Remember that summer when we wrapped the cape?

And you said that no matter what happened, that we would end up together

end?

I was 15.

I had braces.

I liked your braces.

They were hot.

Look, I meant everything I said.

Then.

But I grew up.

Why would you do all this? Because I wanted you to see how happy I am. How

my life is.

You know, like what you're trying to do to me with that dude, Kevin.

He doesn't say his name like that.

Okay, maybe I will.

You can't possibly like that guy.

Actually, I do. I like him a lot.

Please.

Next thing you know, you're going to try to tell me you're sleeping with him.

I am. Slut!

Anything else?

I think I'll have another cup of coffee.

God, I just feel awful.

I mean, I don't want to be that girl, you know? I don't want to lead you on or

play games with your head.

I really thought enough time had passed that we could be friends.

I mean, it's been three years.

Two years and 48 weeks.

Look, this whole thing is just humiliating, you know?

I mean, look at me.

I just got a drink poured in my lap.

I rented a hookah.

Now that you're standing here in front of me again, I mean, everything you're

saying makes sense.

I think you just haven't found the right girl yet.

So you're hanging on to the idea of me.

I mean, I love you.

I'm always going to love you.

Just not like that.

So you're saying you want to have breakups?

Adam. Okay, look.

Look, you tell me what you want, okay?

If this is too much for you and you're not ready to be friends, just say the

word and I will stay out of your life.

No, no. I can totally do this.

But if you're giving me options, how about some quick breakup sex and then

friends? Adam.

Quick. Really quick.

Okay, well, like, how long are we talking about?

Twenty... 30 seconds.

Come here.

Please tell me that is your car keys.

Sir, can I bring the bill now?

I think I'll take just one more cup.

How much coffee did you drink?

You were out there for 45 minutes. I wasn't going to pay your bill.

What?

What happened with Corey?

She kept begging me to have sex with her, but I told her that we were better

as just friends.

Your bill.

I'm sorry, dude.

No, I'm the one who's sorry.

It was all my fault.

I acted like such an idiot.

And now we don't even have our Blu -ray fund anymore. Look, when Shinpads is a

franchise, we'll buy ten Blu -ray players, okay?

I just wanted you to be happy.

Because you're my best

friend.

That means a lot to hear that you

Care Because I

Care about

Is this where we kiss now, or... Stop it!

You ready to make a run for it? Why?

Because that bill is about 90 bucks short.

Hey,

that guy does have loose balls.