Original subtitles

Australia. I'm the moon.

People do say when you are in Australia, because you're in the southern

hemisphere, that when you look at the moon, the moon is the wrong way up.

I'd like to be the first to say that's bullshit.

I'm the moon. I'm the right way up for everyone.

Except for Canada.

But they're dickheads.

I did a joke.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah Moon, that's great.

Do you think you could bring me on? You're supposed to be introducing me,

doing your own material.

Can you stop dissing Canada? They're a peaceful nation.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together and welcome on to the stage

Fusey!

Cheeky bitches, how are you on a Monday night?

It's a Monday, I get that. We're all a bit like, whoa, what's happening at the

start of the week?

But we can make this work.

We can make this... I might impregnate some of you.

Not it, come on, hey.

Not like a man and a woman, like a bullfrog tadpole. I might leap on.

Pregnate you, sir. You'll have a little bullfrog baby.

A flapping black tail, but with my face.

You'll hate that, child. Get out!

But wrap up warm.

You won't know how you'll feel about it.

Look at me, wandering around with this one. As if I can get any sort of

authority while I've got this on.

Like the weirdest sort of headmaster ever.

Okay, so now...

I'm going to take this off. Actually, I'm going to take this cape off because

don't want a Madonna incident, do we?

Nearly happened then.

If I go down, my legs and bones will crumble like soft cheese.

I can't keep just this on. Now I look well weird.

Look at that. First boomerang.

Almost came back.

If it came back on from that side, that would be something, wouldn't it?

So, Australia.

Oh, it's been amazing.

This is like our fifth gig in Melbourne. I'm having a ball. I love Australia.

Are you all Australian? Everyone here Australian?

It's pretty good here. I love everything about you. I love the people. I love

the place. The only thing I don't like is the fucking spiders.

I don't like English spiders, but they're about that big.

I mean, how big do you want your spiders here? What are you doing?

When I arrived in Melbourne, a huntsman picked me up in a black cab.

Who's smoking?

Which hotel are you going to, mate?

It's quite good, though. When we got to the hotel, he managed to pick up all my

luggage at once.

Wrote that for you. Boom!

I will be doing some Australian accents tonight, so don't let that freak you

out. And I realise that's rude, and I know that that would be like you coming

England and going, Corblimey, Corblimey!

Hello, Mary Poppins!

That's Russell Brand.

He's the only one who speaks like that in England, him and Pete Doherty. Oh,

back in here, what's happening?

Pete Doherty, I love Pete Doherty. He's like a tatty moth.

I love moths as well.

They're like butterflies of AIDS.

That's right, that's how we're starting this gig.

So I'm 41 now, how the fuck did that happen?

I know, don't whoop that, it's embarrassing.

I thought I was Peter Pan.

How did it happen?

Have we got anyone over 40 in the room?

You can't be over 40.

You're just a tiny.

Are you over 40 really?

Definitely. Are you drunk?

How old are you really?

Wow, it took ages.

Twelve. Are you a feral child?

I'll come down to your level. Look, I look like a trendy art teacher.

Hey kids, don't call me Mr. Fielding, yeah? Call me Noel.

How old are you really?

Twelve. Twelve, are you? And how old are you?

13. Wow, this gig's going to be a little bit rude for you two.

You started watching it when you were five?

Who of you, were you home alone?

Where the fuck are your mum and dad now?

Get these things, just put them in the front, it'll be fine.

Don't worry. You cover his ears, right? I'll wink at you and you cover his ears

if anything weird happens, yeah?

There'll be some weird stuff for you two, but just block it out, yeah? And

when you get home, quiz them thoroughly about it.

I've already phoned the authorities. They're in a lot of trouble.

Basically, dress their own kids up as characters from a show, put them at the

front of a gig and then legged it.

So I'm 40. You're not over 40.

You're not even 40 days old.

It was a weak response to 40 business.

But that's not because there's not that many of you. It's because when you get

to 40, you think, oh, can I be asked to shout out?

I mean, I can't. I haven't got that much energy to spend.

Monday night, I should be at home watching Poirot.

To be fair, I didn't even want to come here. You know, I don't want to leave

house on a Monday.

It's going to mess up my whole week.

Can I come in my slippers?

That sounded weird.

I did not mean jizz in my

moccasins.

Cover his ears!

Look what you've done!

It's just the first of many, many mind crashes for these two.

Jot it down, ask them later.

Mum, jizzing in slippers.

OK.

I'm going to have to self -edit now.

And for a man with Tourette's, that's never been a good thing.

So, yeah, I mean, literally when you're 40, you just haven't got the energy. How

many people we got under 40?

That's what I'm talking about. You people have got nothing else to do other

shout. Woo!

Like John Travolta.

When you're over 40, it's like a cat cleaning its ear.

Do you know what it's like being over 40? It's like being a day -old helium

balloon.

You're not up in the sky anymore and you're not quite on the ground.

You're about here, sort of.

Mid -range fiasco.

Ricocheting off the surfaces.

I used to be up there, you know.

I'm not quite down here.

Every now and then threatening to land.

What I can't handle is the hangovers.

I mean, I used to be able to drink and drink, and the next day I'd be fine.

At the most, my liver would give me a little tiny cheeky warning, like a

It would go... Now,

if I drink too much, my liver comes in, kicks the door down like Chewbacca.

in a headlock.

The weirdest thing, though, about being 40, right, and this just happened, I

don't know how this happened, yeah, I basically started walking with my hands

behind my back.

Because it was more comfortable.

Yeah, chicks, this is the sexy walk, right?

Oh, it's the spiders, though, that kill me.

I mean, in England, right, I'll be honest, right, in England, if you've got

spider in your house, right, you get a postcard and you get a cup, yeah? And

put the cup over the spider and that's it. And then you take it out to the

garden and that's it. Over here, I had one, a huntsman, in my hotel room when I

was staying near the Botanical Gardens.

You can't use a cup. I had to get a mixing bowl and an album.

I had to use Abbey Road. It was unbelievable.

And it was sort of like a thick, chunky glass mixing bowl, so it magnified the

huntsman. He's already this big. I went, ba -doom, and he went, vroom.

I could see his cheekbones and everything.

I could see what mascara he uses.

Absolutely terrifying. I'm in the lift like that, right?

And I thought, oh, my God, I hope it's not one of those that kill you. And the

concierge went, oh, excuse me, is this bad or good? And he went, ah!

I was like, oh my God. So I took it outside, right? And this is the swear of

life. I took it outside. I took off the mixing bowl. It didn't go into the

bushes. It went down the sidewalk, yeah?

Like a man would.

And then went across the zebra crossing.

Must have got the idea from Happy Road, yeah?

I've never said that before.

That's definitely in. Went across the zebra crossing, right?

Then hailed a taxi.

Got in, ate the driver, picked me up at the airport.

But I do love animals. I went to Costa Rica. Has anyone here

been to Costa Rica?

few people. It's kind of a mad place. Not many people ever sort of go there.

It's not like Brazil or something where everyone sort of... It's basically

rainforest, yes? There's lots of animals there.

And you can stay in these little places in the rainforest.

And I love animals. I'm obsessed with them. I sort of fancy myself as a bit of

Mowgli in flares, yeah?

I'm like an Indy Tarzan, yeah?

I think I am. I'm not at all.

I'm a city boy. I don't like spiders.

But basically, yeah, it's amazing. But it said in the brochure, basically

monkeys will come into your house, right? And I thought this is amazing.

You ever had a monkey in your house, sir?

Yeah, you have.

Wow.

Who are you? David Attenborough. What's going down here?

How come you had a monkey in your house?

You were overseas.

What? And it just happened.

Where were you? What were you saying?

He's making this up.

Have you had a monkey in your house?

You've got a 10 -year -old boy.

That's not the same.

You've got a weird attitude towards children here, haven't you?

What about you, lady?

Never had a monkey in your house? You had a monkey in your house? I'm doing

everyone. You had a monkey in your house?

You ever had a monkey in your house? Have you?

In Thailand, really?

What kind of monkey?

Came into your bed?

Are you sure that wasn't a paedophile?

It's like a minefield.

Basically, when I went to Costa Rica, I thought the monkeys would be all sort

of, you know, I thought we'd be hanging out. I'd be like the monkey pope.

They'd be doing my bidding.

Didn't really work out like that. They came in really fucking fast, yeah?

Like a gang of mods on Cheap Whiz, they came in in a single file.

What, mate? Yeah, what's happening?

Put some Polweller on, yeah, me Lambretta's broken.

Absolutely terrifying, yeah? I had to hide in the bathroom like a small child,

no offence, I was in there.

Looking through the keyhole, yeah?

They were dismantling stuff, kicking stuff over, putting their willy in the

drawer.

I spoke to someone from Costa Rica and they basically said, they said, no,

worry about monkeys. If they're getting on your nerves, yeah, you just do this.

And they just disperse. It's true.

Monkeys come towards you.

Gone.

It's like being a monkey wizard. Monkey.

Apparently monkeys don't like applause.

You can kill a monkey with a standing ovation.

You can wind a gorilla with the threat of an encore.

That's why Mick Jagger never got attacked on stage.

Andrew Lou Goldman used to release mandrills onto the stage and Jagger

like that and out the corner of his eye.

That's my best joke so far, I know that.

It's a very delicate ecosystem though, the rainforest.

You can upset the ecosystem like that in Costa Rica.

Literally, right? I had this little place in the rainforest.

My balcony was there.

Rainforest there. I accidentally knocked a pen lid into the rainforest, yeah?

Thought nothing of it.

Went to bed. Came back the next day.

Nando's.

Very delicate.

Okay.

I made a milk. You made a milk. Yeah, this is happening.

We are both made of milk, but we're living in separate glasses.

Too early for the milk song?

There's a bit more of a sort of kinky version of the milk song. It's actually

song I'm moving away from these people here.

Kinky milk song. You ready?

I'm made of milk. Woo!

You're made of milk. Yeah, we're both made of milk. But we're living in

glasses. Oh, baby, push yourself against the clear surface.

And relax.

It's a cheeky milk song for the kids. I'm made of milk. You're coconut.

She's made of milk. She's rice milk.

He's made of milk. He's almond.

Do you remember when milk came from cows?

That was a really long time ago.

We're all middle class milk.

I'm made of milk. I'm breast milk.

Over there is coffee mate.

I don't think you have that here.

Should have done my research.

Do you have coffee, mate, here? No!

Shouldn't have to.

It's like powdered milk. We have it in England. You don't have to put it in the

fridge. You can chop it up, put it up your anus, snort it. It lasts forever.

It's like a chavvy milk.

You don't have chavs either.

Okay, let's start at the basics.

You have humans, right?

You have bogans here and lads. People say that chavs are like lads. Yeah, you

have lads here, no?

Like your little hoodies, little room boys.

Like chavs. All right, mate, how's it going?

I used to be a chav when I was younger.

Then I went to art school and I had to hand in my chav notice.

You get a badge like a sheriff.

No, seriously, do I have to leave really forever?

I'm afraid so.

Okay.

Mind how you go, yeah?

Touch.

It's a sad day for me, you know, but then I went to art school and, you know,

still have a sort of affection for chavs, yeah? And I used to live in

when I came out of art school. The irony was I went back there and I used to

wear, like, pink cowboy boots and feather boas and there'd be lots of

there and they fucking hated me.

I find you haven't really got time to explain that you used to be once a chav.

Hey, I'm like you. I don't think so.

But this chav said the best thing ever. I was once wearing pink cowboy boots,

yeah, and he was so shocked, and I had like a silver outfit on, and he just

looked at me and went, oh my gosh, what is you?

Not who are you or what are you wearing? What is you?

So economical.

I said, yes.

He went, no.

It's a beautiful moment between chavs and former chavs.

My favourite chav story ever, though. There was a group of chavs hanging

a shop, and this old lady walked past. She wasn't even old. This lady walked

past, and she sort of fell over, and they just laughed. They didn't do

And I was furious.

And I went and helped her up. And she said, oh, my knee went. It's really

embarrassing. And I sort of sent her on her way. And I just couldn't leave it,

yeah? I'm a bit South London, and I was a bit angry. And I went, look, what's

wrong with you? That woman fell over. You didn't even do anything about it.

I mean, Jesus.

I was pushing my luck. There's like 10 of them, yeah?

And in the end, I went, what if that was your mum? You'd just leave her on the

floor?

And the head chav came out and said the best thing anyone's ever said to me. He

walked out and went, yeah, the thing is, my mom don't fall over.

Can't argue with that kind of logic.

It's a powerful business.

By the way, this is messy.

He just sort of stares through people's souls.

Mummy loves you, doesn't she?

Sleep in the boot of my car, don't you?

Mummy looks after you now, doesn't she?

Come on, show me on the messy doll where she touches you.

Stare at those people, yeah?

You need a haircut, don't you? Mummy will trim you up later.

So, I had a dream that was a teabag, yeah?

And, um... I know.

Put your seatbelt on, because it's going a bit weird from now on, yeah?

That was what I call the preamble. This is where it starts to go weird.

I had a dream that I was a teabag, yeah? And basically, I wasn't like an English

breakfast teabag at the front of the cupboard, yeah? I was in the herbal

yeah? I was one of the herbal boys, yeah?

What a gang we were.

Goddamn herbal boys.

We were loose out of our packets mucking about in the shadows.

There was me. There was chamomile.

He had narcolepsy.

There was Monty Fresh. He was quite lascivious. He used to bomb the other

teabags.

What a character.

There was Earl and Lady Grey. They owned the cupboard and the kitchen and the

land that it was built on. Nice people.

And there was Green. He thought he was a samurai. He had a little sugar spoon.

I am Green!

And there was fennel. He smelled a bit weird. I didn't really talk to him.

I don't even know what kind of teabag I was. I was definitely herbal, yeah? But

I've been in the cupboard since the 80s. I'd lost my smell, yeah? I used to go

in the corner and try and smell myself.

What am I?

What am I?

I had no idea. I could have been lemon and ginger. Put it this way, I'd never

had a cold.

Fennel used to come in and go, oh, you've got no aroma.

I'd go, shut up, fennel.

But this is how it works, right? I know because I had a dream that I was a

teabag. You're all in the cupboard like that and you're waiting, waiting for the

cupboard door to open and then you're waiting to be selected and taken to tea

paradise or tea heaven, yeah? So you're all like that. And every now and then

the cupboard door opens.

It's quite a religious experience.

The shaft of light comes in and just ricochets off your metallic nipples.

I don't know why I said that. It makes no sense.

Erase that from your minds.

And you all edge forward and go, please pick me, pick me. And then the hands of

God come in to make their selection, yeah? It was actually Diego Maradona's

kitchen, yes? That was the hands of God.

His big chunky brown fingers.

Like powerful snags, yeah?

Did a conversion for you people.

Always he would pick an English breakfast tea bag, yeah, and then shut

cupboard door, bang.

And we'd be like, oh my God, me and the Herbal Boys, we're never going to get

picked. It's unbelievable.

I'd go, what about me? I haven't even got any aroma.

But I did get picked, yeah.

Next day, the door opened again.

Baradona's daughter came in.

Smaller hands, more mischievous, yeah. Like Chipolatas.

About 13, yeah.

And I thought, wow, what does she want? You know, 13 -year -olds have got no

interest in herbal tea, yeah? But she reached over the English breakfast tea

bags and picked me. I didn't know what was going on. But, right, this is what

was happening. She was doing a pirate project at school. She'd made a treasure

map, yeah?

And her teacher had said to her, if you want to make that look a little bit more

authentic and old, yeah?

Dip a tea bag in cold water. Brown the edges off nicely.

Anyone ever done that?

That's enough people to continue the bit.

That's all the over 40 -year -olds.

That's what you lot wanted to do instead of coming here tonight.

She got a top mark, yeah? And she just gently laid me down on the training

board. But because she put me in cold water, I wasn't dead, yeah?

And I was sort of lying there. I was quite disgusting and sort of mutilated

sort of baggy and swollen. My gusset was hanging down.

One of my eyes was loose. I was sort of wandering around like the elephant man

teabag. Hello!

Hello. Quite disgusting, but quite polite.

Hello there.

Hello. Does anybody need anything from the post office? Hello.

I'm 41.

Hello. And it was when I was the Elephant Man teabag that I saw what

basically to other teabags, yeah?

Maradona stomped in, yeah? Opened the cupboard.

Picked out an English practice teabag, yeah? And I was watching from the

draining board. Put it in boiling hot water, not cold water.

Only teabags can hear other teabags scream, yeah?

It's like a dog whistle, yeah?

Remember that next time you make tea.

And he gets the spoon out and starts squeezing it against the side. Oh, I can

this strong.

I'm having builder's tea.

That's how he speaks now. He's really gone downhill since the football stuff.

Slams it down on the...

Draining board, yeah? And then, boom, kicks it into the sink.

It was like Dante's Inferno. The four levels of hell. The boiling, the squeeze

down, the draining board, the sink.

Could not believe my elephant man eyes, yeah?

So at this point, I was like a beanbag. I was huge.

I went over to see what was going on in the sink.

Still quite polite. Hello.

The sink was a horror show. It was like a Chapman Brothers installation, yeah?

tea bags in different states of mutilation.

There was one at the back, sort of frozen in time, pointing like that.

Another one with a butter knife stuck to its leg, sort of dragging it around

like a prosthetic limb, clanking about.

One had its stomach hacked out and all the leaves were spelling out the words,

Help me!

In a strange brown calligraphy.

I thought, no way, this is outrageous. I've got to get back up to the cupboard

and warm the herbal boys, yeah? We can't go through this. It's horrible.

But I was on draining board level, yeah? They were up in the cupboard. It was

miles away.

I had to fashion a ladder out of wholemeal spaghetti, yeah?

With fusilli rungs.

And I went up like that.

This is not a job, is it? I went up like that.

I opened the cupboard, and Fennel came over and went, oh, look at you, you're

disgusting. And I went, yes, I've been used to make a pirate map look more

authentic.

There are those post stamps that you wanted.

There's no such thing as post stamps. I'll fuck that joke up.

In my head, I was going to say postcards, and then I opted for stamps.

I've invented post stamps.

It's being filmed. I'll just do it again.

I'll start again from the bottom of the game.

There are those stamps you wanted.

Anyway, I said to the other guys, we are not going to tea heaven. If anything,

we're going to tea hell.

The boiling, the squeezing, the slam down, the sink.

And we all sat there and went, why though? I can't believe Dante's Inferno.

What, we've never sinned? Why?

And we just couldn't work out what we'd done. And then we thought about it,

yeah?

Maybe we had sinned, yeah? I was basically envious of the English

bags always getting picked first.

My sin was envy.

Chamomile, always asleep.

Sloth.

Monty Fresh, bumming the other tea bags.

Sodomy.

Green.

Envy again.

Not really work that one out.

Someone said, yeah, all right, we've sinned. What about, you know, what about

fennel? He's never sinned. I went, come on, fennel's racist.

You heard what he said about those coffee beans.

Explain yourself, Fennell.

Fennell went, all I'm saying is I remember a day when tea bags were

yeah? Then these round geezers came in. I didn't mind them because they mixed in

a little bit. But these pyramid people, taking our wives, taking our jobs, it's

not on. All right, Fennell.

There's no need to bring shape into this.

You're a shapist.

I said, I'm sick of this, the hierarchy, the selection process.

This has got to stop. We're never going to escape. We should all be one. We're

tea bags. We should unite all our textures and flavors and colors. We

just make one universal tea. It will be beautiful.

And so the green got his samurai's little spoon sugar out and he just

all our bellies. We started pulling our leaves out. It was beautiful.

And we were dancing around and mixing our leaves and creating a multicolored

blizzard from all the textures and flavors.

It was beautiful. And every now and then it would clear and I'd get off with

someone else. It was like Glastonbury.

We did that for hours until I was just weak. I was an empty bag, like a little

satchel made of cobwebs.

And that's where I woke up, yeah?

If you remember, it was a dream.

I know, it's a long joke.

I got up, right? I was a bit groggy. It was a fitful night's sleep. And I went

to the cupboard, yeah? And this is the true bit, Melbourne, yeah? I opened the

cupboard door.

There was a big pile of universal tea leaves in the cupboard.

with empty bags around the bottom.

And I made a cup of tea from it.

It was fucking disgusting.

So, um, that was a bit of whimsy.

Got a couple of helium balloons. You're over 40, aren't you, sir?

Yes! Over 40, over 40. Yeah, my gang, yeah?

I can see you too. You like the whimsy, you like the surrealism, yeah, but you

probably want a little bit of truth, don't you, now that you're 40? You want

bit of bleakness, yeah?

You want things to get a bit darker, don't you?

You know, we're all closer to the grave. We just want stuff to get truthful now,

yeah? I mean, this whimsy's all right, but, you know, we want some dark,

powerful truth.

I'm going to get bleak now, yeah, for these two guys, these helium balloons.

It's going to get very bleak. It's going to be like sucking Charles Bukowski's

flannel, yeah?

After he's washed these long grey balls.

Imagine a septic wound with a McDonald's straw in it.

Yeah, that bleak.

Drink it in.

Matthew can't even look. He's out to face the way.

Mummy loves you, really. Come on.

There you go.

Right, when I do a bleak joke, yeah, I'm going to give you a visual cue, yeah?

When I'm doing my bleak stuff, I'll do this face, yeah?

I'll present you with the eyes of an old Russian lady.

An old Russian lady with her arm caught in a loom.

Help me!

My arm is in a loom!

Big sailors walking past going, hello!

They go, we've got to go now.

Please, please.

I got into that a bit too much, sorry.

One bleak joke, yeah? Then we're back to whimsy.

About ten years ago, yeah? I was coming home from work early.

And how dare you?

I could have had a job.

This doesn't work, I know that.

I've had two jobs, actually. Well, almost.

I worked in a hardware store. I believe you call them bunions.

Bunions?

Bunningtons. Bunnings. Whatever.

Going out of bunions, mate.

Taking the cart? No, I'll saddle out the huntsman. Let's go.

Bunion.

So close though, wasn't I?

Bunion.

Anyway.

So about ten years ago, I came home from work earlier and I thought I'd surprise

my wife.

Really?

Right, who did that?

How dare you?

Look at me, it's like I'm on the edge of the Titanic.

You're lucky there's a lot of water out here or I'll be all over you.

It's conceivable that I could have a wife.

Who do you think that is?

This is my daughter actually, isn't it? Mummy loved you, didn't she?

Oh Christ!

Spinning on your back.

So anyway, I thought

I'd surprise my wife.

You're making me a bit angry now.

This is just bullying.

I couldn't find her anywhere, and I was a bit distraught. And basically, this

is, I mean, I can laugh about this now, but at the time, it was harrowing.

My wife was nowhere to be seen, and I went out to the bedroom, and I pushed

the bedroom door, and my wife was on the bed, getting off of a triangle.

I only caught a glimpse of him. I think it was an isosceles.

It was very bleak times, you know.

I got very stressed out about the situation and all my hair fell out and I

looked like Nosferatu.

All my teeth fell out. My mouth was like a black hole.

My two legs fell out like muscular hairs.

I had to drag myself about town like a seal pup.

It's funny when it happens to someone else.

People found me disgusting.

People used to queue up and be sick on me.

The line of people.

Some of them weren't even that disgusted. They were drinking salt water

queue just so they could join in.

Occasionally I'd turn around at the wrong moment.

I told you it was going to get bleak.

I wasn't doing great on Tinder, yeah?

Oh, because my wife got off of a triangle, which is why I only hang out

circles now.

Okay, right, back to the whimsy now.

Okay.

That was for you too.

My nan's hands were so soft.

This is not going where you think it is.

There's children in.

My nan's hands were so soft, she once caught a bubble and her hands burst.

And we're back in the whimsy room.

If you do a joke as a comedian, it doesn't quite work.

There's an expression, they say, that comedian died, yeah? That comedian, he's

dying, yeah?

But the thing with me, if I do a joke, it doesn't quite work. A member of my

audience dies.

Unfortunately, tonight, though, it's you.

This next joke's pretty fucking weird.

If you want to go, if you want to get an Uber, I will not say anything, yeah?

He's going to say he's a brave man.

Okay. In the 1970s, yeah, Melbourne, I was a goddamn chicken boy.

I told you.

That's the entry point. Can you imagine where this is going?

I mean, I do weird stuff. I don't even get this one.

As for you two, I don't even know what to say.

Cover his ears.

I was a goddamn chicken boy.

Oh, I was so jerky. I was a sizzling fajita boy.

Oh, very wide stance, tiny little feet. Oh, big beak packing into your

subconscious.

My tiny wings.

Oh, my chicken.

Check his pulse.

My chicken, my chicken driveways, whoa!

My tender strips of chicken.

Little nuggets rolling down, whoa!

Tiny chicken mind.

I was unusual. I knew that.

Had a bum bag on.

I was fat. No, not fat.

Plump.

Succulent. Ready for the table.

I'm not sure if this is stand -up comedy or a mental breakdown.

I was... I had a bum bag.

My little legs in there. My tiny, smooth boys.

My little spherical men. Whoa!

I'm not just going to move down here. I just had to... Look away!

I've never felt so large.

A little dart out of my little boy's wall.

And then my little trumpet flower.

Little intricate chicken cannon system.

If I needed to, I could fire an egg out of my little chicken pumper.

on a small boy's face.

I,

um, I went to see... I went to see Noel Fielding last night.

Oh, yeah, from the boot show. What sort of stuff is he doing now?

I might give that a miss.

I was powerful.

I was a chicken pulp.

I was a chicken prince.

Chicken. I was a chicken.

My brain was so small.

I thought I'm too big for my town.

I need to go into the next town.

I went down there. I got my chicken cannon.

No one can touch me.

The sheriff of the next town, he came over the hill.

Saw me coming. He came over the hill. A little tiny figure over the hill came

down towards me. Little figure came towards me. He stayed the same size.

Scale humor.

I stood there in all my chicken splendor.

He had a wider stance than me, like old magnet legs, they called him.

Little five -year -old sheriff.

Oh, he knew he was good. He looked at me and he said, Chicken man, I have heard

of you.

You are the fusion of a man and a chicken.

I must warn you, if you come into my town, I will fuck you like a dolphin.

I said, whoa there.

Come on.

Easy now, little boy sheriff.

Let me get this straight, my little chicken nugget. Mine can't take in the

facts.

Are you going to be dressed as a dolphin, pom -pom -pomping me?

Are you going to dress me up and do me in the blowhole?

He said, no one has ever questioned my methods before.

I respect you.

I said, I respect you?

What's your name, boy?

He said, I am Jesus.

I said, oh, now, come on, boy.

He left me nowhere to go now.

Jesus, the son of God?

He said, no, Jesus, the son of Papachinko.

The hoof maker, shoes for the horses, shoes for the horses.

Absolutely dead.

I said, son of Jesus, son of Papachinko, the hoof maker, shoes for the horses.

He said, yes.

I said, what do you want from me, little man Jesus?

He said, I want to be like you, chicken man.

I want to run and move around like you do. I want to eat the things you eat.

Those small brown discs you consume. What are they? I said, they are rollers.

I don't know how to get out of this bit of material.

We owe it to ourselves.

I said, if you want to be like me, I'm going to have to put you in a check -in.

You're going to have to be born of an egg. And I got an ostrich egg, and I cut

the top off, and I stuffed Jesus in there, and I just glued on the top, and

shook him up like a human kinder egg.

Jesus armlet.

I took the lid off. A year later, he was dead. I forgot to put air holes in

there.

it back up and stuffed it up my anus!

Okay, I seriously haven't got an ending to this so when I stand up we're going

to pretend none of this ever happened.

We're going to pretend they're both 36.

Okay.

Okay, any questions?

Oh, the moon was kind enough to bring me on earlier on. I think it's about time

that we had a little word from the moon.

Oh,

what's happening?

Oh, what's this shit in here?

What are you looking at, you dickheads?

Who are you?

I'm the dark side of the moon.

Who? You, lad.

On the dark side of the moon.

I didn't know the moon had a dark side.

Everyone got the dark side.

And I'm the moon's dark side.

Right. So what sort of dark stuff do you get up to, then?

Oh, well, like, for example, last night, I went into your mum's house and I

throwed mud all into her new cream carpet.

Yes. The new ones you just got from Solomon.

Well, that doesn't even sound that dark to me.

Oh, did I say mud?

Yeah. I meant dog shit from the poodles that your dad's been licking out. Oh,

Jesus!

What are you... That's disgusting!

We've got young 'uns in here! It is disgusting.

It's dark and it's delicious.

I'm the dark side of the moon.

Sorry about that. Yeah.

Not if we see you first, mate. That was disgusting.

Who is that idiot?

He was horrible.

What do you mean, who is that idiot?

That was your dark side.

What? That was your dark alter ego.

No!

It's like that scene in Star Wars where Luke Skywalker realises that Darth

Vader's his dad. No!

It's a bit like that, yeah.

Oh, that's a nightmare.

A lot of people like Star Wars because it's set in space, but for me it's like

EastEnders.

Anyway, I've got to go because Saturn's coming round for dinner. We're going to

have a light pasta, then we're going to measure ourselves.

Idiot. So, um...

Ladies and gentlemen, if anything happens to me in the show, if I get

down by a tram, or if I fall into a funnel web nest, whatever, one of you

millipedes gets me, yeah, I've heard they're bad.

Don't worry, because I've got an understudy, yeah?

Someone who can take over. I usually get this in plays and not for comedy shows,

but I met this guy at a salsa lesson and we just clicked, yeah? He's a great

guy. And he's quite a big Hollywood star, yeah? So it's weird that he would

to be my understudy. But he said he was in between jobs, yeah?

So he agreed to do it. And I'm going to bring him out now so you can just sort

of get a glimpse of him, because I think you'll get a real kick out of it.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome onto the stage, my understudy, Antonio Banderas!

Hola, Melbourne.

It's me, Antonio Banderas.

In between jobs, yeah.

In between jobs. In between jobs, Antonio Banderas.

Just the way he says it. Yeah.

I think you're missing a button. No, no, it's supposed to be like that.

Sexy.

Hey, Antonio, thanks for doing this. It's an absolute pleasure, Noel.

I happen to be here in Australia anyway, filming Expendables 27.

Yes. Anyway, how's it going, the show? Do you want me to take over yet? Is your

understudy? How's it going?

Um... No, no, no, it's going all right, actually.

Really?

Yeah, really. What's that supposed to mean?

Well, no, I'm sure it's going well. Everyone here in Melbourne's having a

time, but, uh... In where?

Melbourne.

Melbourne, Melbourne, Melbourne, Melbourne, Melbourne, Melbourne,

Melbourne. You've been spending a lot more time in France recently.

I'm an international man.

All over the world.

Yeah. I like your stuff. I like your work you do. I mean, we all enjoyed the

teabagging material you did.

It's great. It's very funny, very funny. Good for the kids. But I wasn't so sure

about the chicken man.

Yes. It must be like.

It's a bunch of jokers. For me, it wasn't necessarily a joke. It was

more of a concept.

What are you doing?

Don't show off in front of Antonio.

It's Antonio Banderas, they do.

In between jobs.

Melbourne. Melbourne.

Listen, Antonio, I know you know your craft as an actor. Well, I'm Antonio

Banderas. I respect you big time for that.

But I've been doing stand -up quite a long time, yeah? And it's definitely a

little bit avant -garde, but it's definitely a joke.

Look, listen, Oli, it's fine if it was a concert, absolutely fine. But for me,

I'm definitely saying it was.

Concept. It was a joke, mate.

Yeah, but it was a concept. It was a joke, mate. But I think it was a

It was a joke, mate. It was a concept. It was a joke,

mate. It was a concept. It was a joke, mate. It was a concept. It was a joke,

mate. It was a concept. It was a joke, mate. It was a concept. It was a joke,

mate. It was a concept. It was a joke, mate. It was a concept. It was a joke,

mate. It was a concept. It was a joke, mate. It was a concept. It was a joke,

mate. It was a concept. It was a joke, mate. It was a concept. It was a joke,

mate. It was a concept. It was a joke, mate.

It was a concept. It was a joke, mate.

It was a concept.

It was a joke, mate.

It was a concept. It was a concept.

It was a concept. It was Hawkeye makes all the decisions in the sport, yeah?

I know him. I've got his number. I'll give him a shout.

Okay, you'll find out. I'll tell you what. If he decides it's a concept, I

to take over the show sometimes.

Yeah.

Yeah, all right. But if he decides that that was a joke, yeah, I get to keep

doing the show and you lose a week's tapas money.

It's fine. I don't really like tapas anyway. It's a cliche, isn't it? I

Hungry Jacks. Yeah.

He's burger, burger, burger, fat man.

Is that the new advert for Hungry Jack?

Fingers crossed.

All right, I'll give him a call.

Yes, call him up, call him up.

Hawkeye, Hawkeye, are you there a second? I need you to make an important

decision.

I think this is him.

I think this is him.

Hawkeye, thanks for...

Sorry, I thought you

finished.

Hawkeye... Thanks

for coming, Hawkeye.

I said, thanks for coming.

Me and my understudy, Antonio Banderas, having a little bit of a dispute, yeah?

I did a bit of stand -up. It was a little bit risky, a little bit avant

Yeah, but it was definitely a joke, yeah? He thought it was the concept.

Yes. Hello, Mr. Hawkeye. Antonio Banderas in between jobs.

So, this has got a little bit of a hammer, and it's just a little thing

said I thought was a concept, and it's just a joke, a concept, a joke, a joke.

But I thought it was a concept.

Yeah, it was a joke, mate.

No, but I thought it was a concept. It was a joke, mate. But it's a concept,

though. You do know that in English, your name's Tony Flags, don't you?

It's not quite as sexy, is it, that?

It's fine, actually. It's my catchphrase.

Hoist the flag!

Anyway, Ronnie Wood, it was a concept.

Ronnie Wood? Yes, Ronnie Wood, goblin face.

I'll take that. I don't care. I'm happy with that. Anyway, it's a joke, Matt.

Who are you dressed as Zorro for?

It's still current.

That was ages ago. It's current.

Really? Yes, I've got no other clothes.

It's a concept. It's a joke. Concept. It's a joke. Concept. It's a joke.

Oh! Yeah!

Yeah!

Woo!

Well, fuck you, Fielding. Fuck you, Eagle Boy.

And fuck all your little followers.

Forgot your sword, mate.

Yes, I know. I'm Antonio Banderas, Zorro.

Ha! Hmm.

It's too fucking lame, eh?

Made me look like a right wanker.

Ladies and gentlemen, my understudy, Antonio Banderas.

And I think we know who the real star of the show is this evening. It's the

ultimate decision -making mechanism.

It's Hawkeye!

making decisions.

He does like to get his arse out there.

We all like to feel slutty occasionally, don't we? Okay.

Oh, no, not you again.

Oh, big face.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm trying to do a show. You're keeping drunk, aren't you? Oh, guess

I just did.

Not interested.

I just got a piece of sandpaper and sanded off a budgie's face.

Did you?

Yes.

Yeah, but did you? No, I didn't, but I thought about it.

It's not really the same, is it?

Oh, it is. It was delicious, thinking about it.

Anyway, Petalbum, what do you know about darkness?

Petalbum? I know a lot, actually. My wife got off of a triangle.

Fucking hell!

Yeah. Your wife got off of a triangle?

Yeah. Yeah, well, that is dark. I know.

Oh, I didn't know about that.

I know, an isosceles.

Out dark, the dark side of the moon.

No one takes me on.

Okay, Melbourne, I think it's about time we brought it down a little bit now.

I think it's time for me to introduce everyone to the ultimate plasticine

punk. Ladies and gentlemen, Joey Ramone.

There he is.

Joey Ramone, this is going to be like a bedtime story. Oh, this is more your

speed. You're going to love this.

Put your PJs on, kids.

Uncle Noel's in the house.

That sounded weird again.

Have we got any Scottish people in tonight?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Good. I've got to do a Scottish accent, yeah?

I'm not very good at Scottish accents.

I mean, I can do Andy Murray.

Doesn't really count, though, does it?

Doesn't look like I would be able to do Andy Murray, but check this out.

It was a really tough March.

I thought Djokovic played really, really well.

Really tough, Marge.

Anyway, I can't do a legitimate Scottish accent, so my first line is... Would

that be... Not...

Just...

Jesus, they wanted independence.

She said, oh. All right, we're going with, oh. Okay, cool. Thank you. You're

voice coach now, yeah?

Okay, check this out.

Joey, put your special music on. It's story time.

There we go.

Oh, Joy Ramon, standing by a lamp horse.

Hello, Joy. Are you having fun?

I can't help noticing that you've got your skates on. Are you off to the

disco?

What's that, young Joey? You'd like to, but you're meeting your good pal, David

Bowie.

And he's the one who usually makes all the decisions.

Oh, look!

Here comes David Bowie now!

Hello, David boy.

What's that, David boy? You're not going to the roller disco. That's for weeds

and softies. We're off to the local maze so that I can recreate my role as the

Goblin King.

And the film Labyrinth.

That's the Goblin King, not the Goblin King.

That's a different film, isn't it, David?

That sounds like fun, doesn't it, Joey?

Oh, dear.

Off you go then, boys, to the local maze. Off you go, boys.

Off you go, don't forget your packed lunch.

Oh, look, it's Jack Nicholson from The Shining.

And Pac -Man from The Pac -Man.

These two love mazes, don't they?

That's right, Pac -Man, you do.

Off you go to the centre of the maze. You've made it, boys.

It would appear that the centre of this maze is guarded by a Minotaur.

What's that Minotaur? What goes on toasties on tour?

And who's this strange fella?

It's the reverse Minotaur.

He's got a bull's body and the head of a man.

In this case, it's Nick Cave.

And older than me, who still dresses like a goth.

Oh, dear, Joey.

Nick Cave has farted your hair off.

You look absolutely horrifying.

What's that, Joey? You'll have to wear a judge's wig in the meantime to save

face. That you will, Joey. That you will. Oh!

Wig or no wig, Joey.

You should think yourself lucky.

David was much closer to the blast.

And has lost not only his hair, but his arms and his legs and some of his penis

too.

Haven't you, David?

This whole trip has been a disaster, Joey.

You'd better get... Oh, I've gone Indian. Hang on.

You'd better get out of here before anything else happens.

What's that, Minotaur? No one's ever managed to get out of this maze alive.

But what's this, Joey?

That's Billy Idol, wearing a jetpack, come to save the day.

What's that, Billy?

You're off to your wedding and you want Joy to be your chief bridesmaid?

Oh, Joy Ramone, narrowly escaping the gassy minotaurs.

Oh, Billy Idol, saving the day and making himself late for his own white

wedding. Oh, Pac -Man, off to a singer's party. Jet Set Willie, Centipede,

Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr.

That's a funny old day. Looks like rain.

There he is, ladies and gentlemen, Joey Ramone!

What a beauty!

Joey!

Actually, I think Joey's got a question for me. He usually goes in now. Joey,

Joey, what's wrong? Oh, wow, what's that?

You'd quite like to come out and meet the people of Melbourne?

Whoa!

Really? He's never ever asked for this before.

What do you think, sir? Shall we let him come out?

Yeah? Just burping at the same time as you ask.

Burp it.

I do that all the time.

I don't know, Joey. At the moment, you're safely ensconced in a children's

plasticine world.

I mean, we've got horrible stuff out here like AIDS and the X Factor.

Are you ready for that leap?

He says he is. I'll check out the situation.

Wow, there's a door back here. It's like Narnia.

Happy with that sound effect?

This is going on a DVD, you know.

Wow, it's really psychedelic in there.

I'm not sure if a man has ever been able to go into a plasticine world or if a

plasticine character has ever been able to come out into the real world. Let's

check it out now.

Wish me luck.

I'm going in.

It's quite tight on your chest.

Tell you what, let's put Matthew in for a bit longer.

Matthew's hips look sensational in plasticity.

Seems all right, I'll get him out.

Okay, Joey, it seems safe, you can come out. Come on, Joey.

Oh, he's a little bit shy.

Maybe I'll coax him out, yeah, with some sweets, yeah?

Coax him out like a punk goose.

This is the, have you heard of the Haribo Fantasy Mix and the Haribo Star

This is the Haribo Reality Mix.

Little heroin needles in the shape of sweets.

Out you come, Joey.

Out you come, wee Joey.

Come on then, Joey. I'm 41.

Out you come, Joey.

Out you come, Joey.

Out you come. Oh, I'm dreaming of bunions. Out you come, Joey.

No, he's not going to come out. Right, you're going to have to encourage him,

yeah? After three, in your best Scottish accent, you're going to have to all go,

Hope you come with joy.

One, two, three.

Hope you come with joy.

Peace, love, and peace.

Glory. Peace, love, and peace.

Over the years, over the years.

Seems so calm in the plasticine world.

I'll leave you weed in my face.

Cheeky punks.

Oh, what now?

No, sorry to interrupt the show, but your wife's there.

What?

Yeah, she's looking fine.

Shut up, dark side.

Serious. Sorry about that.

Yeah, alright, I used to go out with Daryl Hannah.

What do you want?

I need to talk to you.

Yeah, well, it's not an amazing time, is it?

I mean, I'm about, you know, I'm in the middle of a show.

I thought we could try and work things out again.

It's easy for you to say, isn't it? You're not the one who came home and

their partner in bed with a triangle.

Just give me one more chance, please, Noel.

You always say that. Give me one more chance.

Then you get off of a shape.

I've changed.

Have you?

I suppose you've come all the way to Melbourne. That's something of a

Did you fly Qantas?

Private jet?

Private jet?

Who do you know with a private jet?

Just a friend.

What friend?

You don't know him. Him or her?

Oh, great!

Who's this supposed to be? This is Gordon. Oh, all right, mate.

All right, mate. All right, nice to meet you. Yeah, nice to meet you too. Yeah,

great. Big fan, actually. Yeah, are you? Yeah, massive fan. Loved the Mighty

Boosh, great show. Yeah, good. Yeah, yeah. Never Mind the Buzzcocks,

Yeah, great. Yeah, love it. Yeah, luxury comedy?

Uh, no, not so much.

It's more for me, that one. Yeah, yeah.

So, give my wife a lift, did you?

Yes, I did. We had a nice trip, didn't we? Lovely trip.

I bet you did.

Showed you the cockpit, didn't I? Nice, wasn't it? Yeah, I bet you did.

Introduced her to the Mile High Club, did you?

Little finger -bagging session in the toilet.

Whoa!

That's your wife you're talking about, mate? Yeah, my wife. You getting it?

Well, it's name only, pal, innit? What's that supposed to mean? Well, she can do

better than you. Can she? Yes, she can.

Gordon, no.

I see you're still using this gig to audition for the Dark Crystal.

Let me say my piece, Beth. Hold your fury.

Let me say my piece.

Say your piece. Come to the point. You've got three of them.

God, he's quick. He's bloody quick, isn't he? I'm part panel show.

She can do better than you. Yes, she can be. You're not around, are you, pal?

No, I'm not around, nor are you. You're a triangle.

God, he's quick. He's so bloody quick.

You're not around. You're on tour all the time. I'm on tour.

Yes, all right. I'm on tour. I've got a job. What's wrong with that?

You're hanging out with Russell Brand?

Russell Brand, yeah.

Yeah, well, you know, he needs me at the moment. He's gone political.

Anyway, we're good mates, all right? Yeah. Me and his cat, Morrissey, we get

naked and we do transcendental meditation together.

What happened to you, pal?

You used to be rock and roll.

That's a no.

Now you're more like a... Look at you. Now you're more like a chubby elf.

Have you seen yourself lately?

You're a fucking triangle.

Whoa.

I'm not a shapist. I'm not a shapist. I'm not a shapist. Yes, it is. My mate

Vaughan. What?

Matthews. You're making it up, mate. The dodecahedron. You're making it up.

It's bullshit. My other mate, Trinny.

Trinny? Trinny Lorchester.

What?

Rhombus. Rhombus?

Tiny rhombus. Goes in my top pocket. Has a lovely time in there. That is

ridiculous, my friend. You're like a swollen triple pursuit piece, mate.

What do you mean?

Special category, getting off of other people's wives.

Yes, and I'm good at it. Look at you.

You're like Joan Jett on hormone replacement tablets.

You've dissed me in front of my people. That's too much, mate.

That's too much, mate.

Came home from work and my wife was there, pumping up a triangle, oh yeah.

Came home from work and my wife was there, pumping up a triangle, oh yeah.

Pumping up a triangle, oh yeah.

Triangle, triangle, triangle, triangle.

I'm a triangle with my sexy angle, put you in the corner of my, you're with my

point.

Oh, yeah!

Ooh, yeah, pump me like a triangle Ooh, yeah, pump me to the bone Ooh, yeah,

pump me like a good boy Ooh, yeah, pump me to the bone Ooh, yeah, pump me like a

triangle Ooh, yeah, pump me to the bone

There's one left.

That was a long first half. Ladies and gentlemen, go and have a break. Have a

wee. Have a drink. And we'll see you in the second half. You've been amazing.

Thank you. Cheers.

Welcome to the second half.

Unfortunately, we've had a bit of a nightmare.

Noel's disappeared.

Well, in fact, he's been kidnapped.

So, like, I called the police and Sting said he would help, but he's all caught

up in his own yoga mat. So then I called the real police and they're on their

way. But as Noel said earlier, if anything happens to him, the show goes

Imagine getting kidnapped in your own show. What a dick.

Anyway, welcome on to the stage is understudy, Antonio Banderas.

Hola,

hola Melbourne, it's me, Tony Flags.

Yes, a terrible, terrible tragedy has occurred backstage.

Noel has disappeared, presumed kidnapped.

Oh, no.

Where is he, my princeling?

Yes, I am feeling it more than most.

Of course, he was there one moment, hairspraying his hair and pubes.

The next minute, gone.

Oh, shit it.

Of course, this is the price of show business.

I myself was once kidnapped and held against my will for over 25 years.

By my wife?

Yes! Yes, proper jokes.

Okay, let's do this.

It is no longer this. Welcome to an evening with Antonio Banderas.

Yes, my friends.

For the next five and a half hours, I shall be regaling you with some

from the filmings of Expendables 27.

Especially the story where Sylvester Stallone had a shit in a bin.

It's a very, very story.

I shall also be treating the ladies in the room to some sexy salsa moves.

Yes.

Come on, sexy times.

Moves like this.

Boom!

My balls in your face!

I shall also be doing a collection of jokes. Yes, and exploring a few concepts

of my own.

Concepts like this.

I'm a goddamn chorizo boy.

Oh, look at me go. I'm a chorizo boy.

With a chorizo bum bag.

Little chorizo meaty fella, isn't it? Little tasty...

Before anybody says anything.

The nun was a terrorist.

And the woman with the child was a paedophile.

Yes, I did shoot the child repeatedly in the face.

Saving her from a lifetime of abuse.

Now.

My name's Sergeant Raymond Boombox. I'm from New York City.

I'm here to investigate Noel's kidnapping.

I'm going to put this away first and know how you people feel about guns. I'm

American. We love these.

Don't worry. Safety catch is on. Going somewhere nice and safe.

Oh!

Hooper! Right in the family jewels!

Okay!

We gotta find Noel.

I mean, the guy's versatile.

Yeah, he can do the avant -garde stuff.

He's a gift to any panel show.

He's got an easy charm that the mums enjoy.

These are my words, not Noel's. Don't embarrass him when he comes out here.

Now...

This is no longer a theatrical performance. It's a police lockdown.

I'm coming in there and I'm going to interrogate each and every one of you

Melbourne people until we find Noel.

But before we do that, I'm going to bring on my partner, Sergeant Vanducci

Hawkeye.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, this is not a George Michael video.

You! Watership down! You keep your bum in your pants!

Okay, he's gonna be filming everything. Make sure I don't torture any of the

suspects.

Okay, let's have a look. You go down the stairs. Look at me. I'm agile like a

puma.

Okay, let's check out the equipment. There I am, looking like all of the Marx

Brothers.

Looking like Elvis when he died on the toilet.

Okay, let's have, first of all, before we start interrogating people, let's

a little look down here.

Hawkman, get your camera on this fella here.

Okay, all humour right there and then.

Does mom know you're here?

Of course she does. Of course she... She's been helping me with my guns so I

shoot down everyone who lays a finger on Noel.

Why is this guy not in the show?

He's funnier than me. Come on.

This looks like the weirdest ventriloquist act you've ever seen.

On the dummy.

Hey, you keep an eye on everyone. Well, you brought a log with you to the

performer.

It's a present.

It's a present.

Oh, I know that.

Right. I do know, having known Noel for a long time, he definitely wanted a log.

This does not look like something that spiders live in in any way.

Oh, the other side. There's a face on here.

Jesus Christ.

It's like a cricket box.

Okay, there you go.

No, when I keep that, okay, I'll put it there.

If we ever find Noel, he will be very appreciative of that.

High five.

Assaulting an officer is still an offence, man.

Come on, Hawkeye. Okay, anybody out there ever done a crime before? Let's

little look what we're dealing with.

Okay, Melbourne, let's have a look what we're dealing with.

Okay, who we got in here? Let's have a look.

Hmm.

Hello, sir. Get the camera on him. Looks a little bit suspect.

Okay, over here. Hello, lady.

Is this mine?

Look at this guy here. Got himself a perm.

Couple of perms in the house.

Couple of perms in the house.

Yeah, we got perms. We're not scared.

What's your name, my friend?

David. David.

What do you do for a living, my friend?

IT. I work in IT. IT.

I used to know a guy who worked in IT.

A fella by the name of Richmond.

No way could I ever condemn a brother with a perm. There's no way.

You're one of my own. Let's have a little look over here.

Remember this guy when he was in E .T.? Yeah, I love that guy.

Okay, didn't think I was coming up here, did you? Didn't think I was coming up

here. A few people here look like they'd rather eat their own anus than talk to

me.

Helium balloon number one.

What's your name, my friend?

Greg. Greg. Yeah, good Australian name.

Yeah, I love your hair. Look at Greg.

Greg's an outdoor type.

Kind of guy that if you left him in a desert, he would still live.

What do you do for a living, my friend?

Work outdoors.

You work outdoors.

Of course you do. And I eat Hungry Jack. You eat Hungry Jack. Is this your son

here? Yeah. Oh, yeah. What do you do, my friend?

Same thing as him. We work on Powerline. On Powerline.

Electricity brothers.

Do you think it was this guy, Hawkman? Let's have a look on the little board up

there. Did you kidnap? No.

Oh, not guilty.

Greg did not do it.

Hello, my friend.

You ever committed a crime besides this jacket?

Yes.

Are you going to try and sell me a bungalow?

Why not? Would you like one? Quite a wide tie you got here, sir.

It's denim.

A denim tie.

What's your name, my friend? Ed. Ed.

Where you from? Melbourne?

Melbourne. Ed from Melves. What do you do for a living?

I work at a bank. You work at fucking hell.

No shit, Sherlock.

You know when the bank's shut, you can wear whatever you like. You know that,

right?

There's your lady here.

You work in a bank too, lovely? What do you do, my friend?

Too slow!

I think these two could have been in it together. What do you think?

Let's have a little look.

Okay, who's that guy over there? Hawkman, get your ass over there. I see

look, wandering around. Hey, you!

Interval was finished ages ago.

Jesus, look at Hawkman move.

Why fly when you can run like this?

Hey, you, sit down! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Come back here.

Okay.

I'm not that agile. I'm going to have to use your seat, man.

ass crack caught on the carpet.

Okay!

That's enough!

I'm an American!

Where's my eyebrow gone?

I find any of you using that as a Charlie Chaplin moustache, I'll be all

flies are undone, Jesus taught me!

Okay, sir. I've been running around for a long time.

Sir, I will shoot you, sir.

Don't shoot me.

Okay.

Don't you worry, people.

Oh!

Hawkman!

Not guilty. Do you realize how much paperwork that is, people?

Oh, Jesus, you have one job.

To die the other side of the curtain.

Yep.

Okay.

Idiot.

Thanks for the log.

Now.

I knew it was none of you people and I'll tell you why.

When you've been a cop as long as I have or he has, you get a little nose for

these kind of things.

I am sharper than Poirot.

I'm more shambolic than Columbo.

I'm faster than Ironside.

I got more lesbionic tendencies than Cagney and Lacey.

And at my core, Melbourne, I am blacker than loofah.

Yeah, you don't know what to do with that, do you?

I'm an intelligent, chambolic, lesbian, fast black man.

Which is why I knew it was you! You kidnapped Noel!

It was not me.

I wasn't even there. I was playing hopscotch with Kanye West. Not you, you

simpleton. I'm talking about the yin to your yang, you dark brother.

I'm talking about the dark side of the moon.

You kidnapped Noel.

Yes, I did.

Where is he?

I never tell you, fatso.

What about the nice people who have paid to see him do a little performance?

Oh, boo -hoo.

Maybe they should have gone to see a real comedian, one who can tell proper

jokes, like Jimmy Carr.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, he laughs like a sea lion.

I've forgotten whose line it is in the excitement of the moment.

Where have you hidden all?

Where's my eyebrow?

All right, officer.

I'll tell you where I hid no.

It just so happens to be in your wife's big anus.

You leave Mrs. Boombox out of this.

Just so happens I like a shafely woman, a woman you can hear coming round the

corner.

Me or you?

I will never tell you.

Never. I never asked.

Note to self, do not improvise with animations.

They are machines and will not go with you on a Miles Davis flight of fantasy.

Where's Noel?

I will never tell you.

Never.

Like a horrible science fiction loop.

I will never tell you. Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Never. Okay, you want to play hardball?

Maybe I'll get down and dirty with you. Maybe I'll ring up Mrs.

Darkside of the Moon, your mama. See how you like those apples?

What? What's happening? You heard, I'm ringing up your mama, telling her what

mischief you've been getting up to.

Okay?

Is that Roger Waters?

Yeah, I'm having an evening with Noel Fielding.

He does have an easy charm, I know.

No, that's not fair.

Please, stop it. Stop it.

Put the phone down. I'll tell you when Noel is.

You better do, buddy, or I'm spilling the beans to your mama.

Okay, I kidnapped Noel and I put him in Joey's plasticine world.

In the maze.

Okay? Boom!

The irony is I didn't even have his mom's number.

Didn't even have a telephone.

But I sold the motherfucking cases in the plasticine world. Oh, yeah!

I don't understand this. How did the dark side put Noel in the plasticine

I mean, he hasn't got any arms.

I was an accomplice, didn't I?

The right simpleton.

Oh, not Antonio Banderas.

No, not Banderas. Gordon.

Gordon, it's a right angle.

Yes.

Yes, that's right, Melbourne.

I did do it. I did put him in there.

He was doing my head in. He's well weird, isn't he? He's a weirdo.

Weird man.

Weird -faced man.

He's dressing up as a policeman, investigating his own kidnapping.

He's wearing a fat suit and he doesn't even need one.

Yeah, slap it up. What was that?

I've revealed myself now. I have a ponytail.

Thanks a lot.

He's improvising, not telling me what he's going to do.

His wife, who I'm in love with, is his own brother!

Yes, he's well weird. So I did put him in there and I'm not sorry about it. All

right.

Gordon, you've gone mad. How can you put no one in the plasticine world?

I told... I told you

to keep out of this. It's between me and him. I told you to wait on the plane.

I've got something to tell you. I don't want to hear it.

I'm pregnant.

What?

Is it mine?

I don't know, Gordon.

What?

Is it Noel's? Gordon, I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know, you flag?

It's too early to tell. I mean, I had a scan. He did look triangular.

Yes. Could be mine.

Little baby.

But then they had a flat nose. Oh, Jesus.

Did have one false arm. Could be mine. Little baby.

But then it looked like Ronnie Woods.

Oh, God!

You're tearing me apart!

I have felt this confused since I burnt down me caravan for insurance purposes

and then found me nan still inside!

Gordon, I've got a person ground inside me and all you can think about is your

crispy nan!

Steph!

Steph, you beautiful bitch!

Right, Fielding.

I've had enough of you, pal.

You're going to feel my pain.

It's time to get real.

It's time to feel my shit.

Go on, Gordon.

Treat him like a buddy.

Send his face off.

I feel partly responsible.

I think I'm going to have to sort this out myself.

Thing is, there's only one man I know brave enough and insane enough

to go into a plasticine world and fight a minotaur, a reverse minotaur and an

angry triangle.

But luckily for everyone here, that man is in tonight.

It's the one and only, a modern day hero in his own mind. It's Fantasy Man and

Big Jake, Wollombomb, Boomaluck,

Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Typical costume change, was it?

Local.

Ladies and gentlemen, Arnold Five, my trusty unicorn.

Round of applause for him bringing me on.

fancy man. This is Big Chief Woolabum. Boomer luck away.

Hello.

We are here to save Princess Nell from the plasticine world.

If there are any of you who do not know who we are, we'd like to sing a little

song that explains everything.

Yes. It should be entertaining and educational.

Yes. Count me in, Big Chief.

Okay. One, two, three.

I'm fantasy man, fantasy man, fantasy man, fantasy man. I'm fantasy man,

man, going on quests all over the land. I think I'm Don Quixote, actually I'm

just homeless.

Fantasy man, fantasy man, going on quests all over the land.

And this is my associate, Big Chief Woolabamba Malakoway.

Big Chief Woolabamba Malakoway. Big Chief Woolabamba Malakoway. On top of

buffalo in my mind, soaring like an eagle in my mind. Took too many E's,

in the 90s. Too many E's, raving in the 90s. Smashed my brain on poppers and

speed.

Okay, we're here to rescue Princess Nell from the plasticine world.

Now, as I see it, the task in hand is quite straightforward.

He's being guarded by a furious triangle, a minotaur, and a reverse

with the head of Nick Cave.

I'm 41.

Big Chief, there are two of us and three of them. Yes.

We will have to even up the numbers somehow.

Yes, we will need a volunteer from the audience.

Ooh, excitement fills the room.

Big Chief, how will we select such a person?

To find the name of the volunteer, I shall consult my spirit guide.

has come down in history.

Big Chief, did you get the name? Yes.

The name of our volunteer is Steve.

Steve. Steve.

Okay, Melbourne, do we have any thieves in the audience this evening?

Don't lie.

There must be one or two.

It's your own time, your way thing, you know.

Who's this guy coming down here?

He looks a bit keen. He looks too keen. Breathe, breathe.

He'll have to go through the selection process for Big Chief. He can't just

anyone pretending to be a Steve.

Let's check out the Steve.

Let's check out the Steve situation.

Let's check out the Steve.

Let's check out the Steve.

He'll wish he never came here tonight. Let's check out the Steve.

Let's check out the Steve.

Skipping is my favourite thing.

Hello, Steve.

Hi.

Are you really called Steve?

Yes.

We've found a Steve.

We've found a Steve.

Let's retrieve a Steve.

Let's retrieve a Steve.

Steve is coming into the plasticine world. He's coming in with us.

Here he is, Steve.

Sexy, sexy Steve.

Here he is, Steve.

On holiday, Steve.

They call him Bermuda Steve.

Now, my friend, I'm Fancy Man. This is Big Chief Wullabamboomaluckway.

Hello.

You're Steve, are you?

Yes, yes.

What is it that you do for a living, my friend?

I'm a student.

Student? So nothing at all?

Yes.

What are you studying, my friend?

Politics and international studies.

Politics and international studies?

What exactly is international studies?

You just look at a globe all day, occasionally put a pin in it and go, I

what it's like there.

Politics.

Fancy being a politician, do you?

No?

No.

Well, it's always good to study something that you really want to go

Married? No.

Okay. Now, Steve, it's like this.

It's like this, my friend.

You can come on an adventure with us, but you'll have to be knighted first.

Have a seat on this throne.

Ignore this stain here. The last Steve had Ebola.

Here's the cloak of destiny.

Lovely. And S for Steve, if it's already been written.

And the magic potion, buddy baby, mate.

Sup liberally from the can, sweet Steve.

Steve, that was mostly my piss.

Students, doesn't matter where they are, if they get free food or drink, they

will take that chance like lightning.

Yes, there may be 3 ,000 people watching, but I don't get these for

usually.

And here is the helmet of destiny.

You see, in England, where we have knights and we put this helmet on them,

hilarious.

Because it's a bucket.

But over here, it doesn't get so much as a chuckle.

Probably because your hero is Ned Kelly.

Bloody Sidney Nolan.

Steve, look at me when I'm talking to you.

Hmm. Big Chief, I sense that there is something wrong here.

I sense that maybe we have a few non -believers in the audience this evening.

Yes. You must all get into the fantasy zone.

If none of you get into the fantasy zone, then we can't complete the

and we cannot save Princess Nell. Now, it's a very simple procedure for getting

you into the fantasy zone. What's your name, Cheeky Chops? Ashley.

Okay, from Ashley, this half of the theatre, you'll all be mine, okay?

Ashley, this side of the theatre, you'll be mine.

Okay, now what I'll need you to do first of all is hold hands with the person

sitting next to you.

Hold hands with the person sitting next to you. Raise your hands aloft so that I

know it is so.

I don't care how clammy the motherfucker is.

Shit's about to get real.

All of you?

Okay.

This side you'll sing these magic words.

Let us enter the fantasy zone.

After three. One, two, three.

Let us enter the fantasy zone.

On your own.

Hold it there.

Now my half. After three. We shall go.

One, two, three.

It's a powerful bunch of bastards.

I can see that I've been left with the sickly half of the room again.

Keep your hands together.

Dear, oh dear.

Now, we're going to put those two components together in the style of

Street to see what happens.

But before we do that, we must all close our eyes.

You see, no one can see us entering the fantasy zone.

Okay, close your eyes. And my half.

Let us enter the fantasy zone. Go.

Let us enter the fantasy zone.

Let us enter the fantasy zone.

has had a stunning makeover.

My mop has become a lance.

And even Steve has had an upgrade.

Even the moon has been knighted.

If a few of you can still see the old unicorn.

It just means that you've got one foot in reality and one in fantasy.

You people are stuck in limbo and unfortunately will die of AIDS.

Now, let's clear some space.

Let's put Arnold V on his brother's back.

Oh, baby.

A little bit of unicorn incest never hurt anyone, did it?

Let's have a look what we're dealing with.

Yes.

Oh. There's Noel, still looking quite handsome in his plasticine format.

Ah, he's fallen in with a bunch of bad seeds.

Centy more where those came from.

That is probably it.

Big Chief, only one joke every century, but when he hits, boom!

Okay, here's what's going to happen.

Big Chief will go in first because he's a fucking psychopath.

Anything happens to the Big Chief and I'll be going in next.

Anything happens to me and Steve, you'll have to follow suit.

Probably shouldn't come to that. Of course it will. Why else would we have

him up on stage?

Now, when Big Chief goes in, he'll probably need some sort of

won't you, Big Chief? Yes, I will.

Everyone should shout something along the lines of, um...

Ah, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo. Go

on, get in there, you wanker.

Something like that.

Similarly, Steve will need some encouragement, something along the lines

Stay, stay, stay, stay, stay, stay. Go on, Steve, go on, Steve, go on, Steve,

on, Steve. Go on, Steve, get in there, you student bastard.

Anything like that will do.

Now, my name is Sandy, Sandy Fantasy Man.

I'll need a different kind of encouragement. You see, I'm a knight of

and therefore I'll need some... Special encouragement.

Yes, I think that man there should shout, Sandy, on his own now, give it a

Sandy.

It's Sandy, actually, not Sandeep.

I'm not Indian, and there are times like this I wish I were in India, reclining

on the beach, not standing here in front of 3 ,500 people with a cup on my chin.

Looking like a human water cooler.

Okay, Big Chief.

Time for action.

Let's do this.

I love you, Big Chief. I love you, Fantasy Man.

And you, Steve.

Chief, Chief, Chief, Chief, Chief, Chief, Chief, Chief, Chief, Chief,

Chief, Chief, Chief.

And so Big Chief Willabum has gone in.

But I know he's allergic to plasticine. His head's gone all big. But he looks

ridiculous.

Get back in!

But, he's gone back in. He's well, Brian.

Yes, but the minotaur burst his big face with his little pointy horns.

No!

Oh, flippin' hell.

Okay, Steve.

You know what to do, don't you, sir?

Fantasy Man's gone in. He's got right straight down to business.

He's picked up David Bowie's head, and he's inserted it into the Minotaur's

like a butt plug.

The Minotaur's trying to fight it out, but he can't manage it. Oh, it's

imploded. Fantasy Man has defeated the Minotaur.

Winning. He's a winning.

Oh, but what's this?

Codonus Petronius Bermudeus.

Becoming the Bermuda Triangle.

Fantasyman has been sucked into his inner vortex.

Bye -bye, Fantasy Dick.

For God's sake.

Right, Steve.

It's all down to you.

You're our only hope.

Go on, my son.

Get in there.

Ladies and gentlemen, Steve versus Gordon.

But Gordon gets at his tumbler boulder and uses it like a lightsaber.

Uh -oh.

But what's this?

Steve's got a little something of his own under his poncho.

You're shapeless, pal.

I'm pregnant.

Is that the concept?

The joke!

The concept!

No wife got off of the triangle.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Ah!

But what's this?

These penises are chomping down Gordon like a big slice of pizza.

He's done it!

He's the winner!

Steve's the winner. He's beaten Gordon.

And he's rescued Noel.

Oh, and here they come now. Noel and Steve, they're the champions.

it with your curly penis?

It's like a sort of Roger Hargreaves creation.

You're still pretty taut. Can we get some cold flannels for Steve?

In fact, actually, this lady over here is going to sort you out. Come on.

Not in that way.

Sir Steve, ladies and gentlemen.

politics. By night, he's a fantasy man.

So, I'm sorry I got kidnapped on my own show. What a dick. But it all worked out

okay in the end.

No, sorry to interrupt.

Your wife's here again.

What? She's got a surprise for you. Oh, great.

What do you want, Bruce Dickinson?

How about a baby?

Had a baby. You're only pregnant three scenes ago.

What are you, a bandicoot?

Very short gestation period.

Zoology humour.

Is it mine?

No. Great. I suppose it's Gordon's. No.

Whose is it then?

Not sure.

In between jobs.

Well, it's just as well it's not mine because me and you are brothers. Mum

fucking kill us.

Joey, he's come back! Joey!

I got the G -E -L -A -N -G -I -N -G. I got the G -O -G -I

-L -U.

I got the G -O -G -I

-L

-U.

time we've been here. Thank you so much. A round of applause for my brother,

Michael Field.

thank you before we go we'd like to have one more round of applause for the man

who made it all possible tonight

much. Ladies and gentlemen, you were absolutely fantastic.

Thank you for having us. We'll see you again next time. Thank you.