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THUNDERCLAP
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00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:07,000
Tom! Tom!
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00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:11,960
'Simon, come as soon
as you can! It's bad!'
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Man in the toilet!
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00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:20,960
Oh, God, no. Oh!
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PANTING
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Is that Olivia?
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00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:28,960
Yeah, I mean, we're still trying
to figure that one out.
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00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:30,640
DOOR CREAKS
10
00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:32,960
Evening, chicos.
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00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:35,800
What are you both doing
in the ladies?
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00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:37,960
It's not... It... It's...
13
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:38,960
RETCHING
14
00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:40,960
Millie. Millie! Millie!
15
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Liv, no, no, you... you shouldn't
be in here, so let's...
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Little bit transphobic.
Move out of my way.
17
00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:49,960
Tom. Tom, just move, just move.
18
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:51,960
It's...
She's got a right to see it.
19
00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:05,960
Liv, are you sure
we're not gonna get caught?
20
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:08,960
It's my first week.
I don't wanna lose my position.
21
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:10,960
Speaking of positions.
UNZIPS
22
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:13,960
Oh, my G... Oh, God!
23
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:14,960
THUNDER RUMBLES
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00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:18,960
Sorry, me and the new boy, Mike,
were making babies in the warehouse.
25
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What have I missed?
26
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Sex education, apparently.
27
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:24,960
Liv, I'm gonna need
that condom back.
28
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It's the only one I've got.
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00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,960
Keep walking, Mike.
OK. Sorry.
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00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:29,960
You don't seem too concerned
31
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:31,960
about the whole hate crime
in the bathroom thing.
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00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:32,960
Oh, you call that a hate crime?
Sorry.
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00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,960
Sorry, should we talk about
these fugly-arse posters of me
34
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all over the store?
Look, if Pellocks wants to fundraise
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for your new vagina,
I don't see why you're complaining.
36
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I'm sure Mike could do with
a bit more variety down there.
37
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:44,480
It ain't about the fundraiser,
Thomas.
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It's that you and Simon put
these posters up
39
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without consulting me.
40
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:49,960
I'm getting a little bit sick
of being ignored.
41
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:51,960
So before you spin off
into your own little private episode
42
00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:54,960
of CSI Pellocks to catch
the graffiti bandit this evening,
43
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,960
it might behove you
to ask my opinion for a change.
44
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,960
Hello. Hello.
CLEARS THROAT
45
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:02,960
At 2200 hours tonight,
46
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:07,960
transphobic graffiti was found
in the women's toilets.
47
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:12,960
Now, I can only assume
that this vile display was aimed
48
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at our new employee, Olivia.
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We're sorry. Pellocks is sorry,
50
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:19,640
from the tippity-top,
big Jim Pellock himself,
51
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,960
all the way to the lowliest
shit-shoveller, Millie.
52
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,960
I'm not saying definitely check
Beefy Linda's handbag,
53
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,960
but I'm pretty sure the lipstick
on the mirror matches her shade.
54
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,960
Touch my shit,
that'll be the shade of your arse.
55
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:31,960
Is that an offer?
Is that a wig?
56
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:33,960
TOM SNORTS
Hey, hey, enough of this.
57
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:35,960
You know, I like a lols
like all of us,
58
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:37,960
but this isn't the time.
59
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,480
Now, I've put Thomas,
assistant manager, in charge
60
00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:44,960
of catching this... son of a bitch.
61
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:47,960
Or, can I...
can I say daughter of a bastard?
62
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,640
That covers all bases, doesn't it?
63
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Daughter of a bastard responsible.
64
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:53,960
Make no mistake,
65
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:55,960
we shall apprehend
this gender-neutral boogie-person
66
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:57,960
before the end of the night shift.
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00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:00,160
THUNDERCLAP
68
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,320
Sorry, can I see you in the office,
darling?
69
00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:05,960
SHE SIGHS
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00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:10,960
Oh, no, don't jump
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It's not a suicide bid,
just trying to shut the window.
72
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:18,960
Please.
73
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:20,480
Simon, if this is about me and Mike,
74
00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:23,960
I don't know what you think you saw
in your sordid little CCTV cameras,
75
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:24,960
but what me and another employee do
76
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,960
in the privacy
of a cold storage unit
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00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:28,960
with our combined genitals,
I think...
78
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,960
Shh-shh-shh. Please. I just... I...
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00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:35,480
I need your help.
80
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,640
I said... I said I need your help.
81
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:40,960
What?
82
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,960
HE SIGHS
83
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:48,960
My wife and I are going through
a bit of a bad patch.
84
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:52,960
She says I spend too much time here.
I've lost my sense of adventure.
85
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,960
She calls me Fatty Boom-Boom.
86
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:58,000
Yeah.
87
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:02,960
She has suggested we have dinner,
and I suggested we have it here
88
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:04,320
just so I can keep an eye
on the place.
89
00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:06,000
You're gonna have dinner
in the office?
90
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,960
With a wife that says you spend
too much time in the office?
91
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:10,960
As a valued...
92
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:14,960
..transgender employee,
93
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,960
who better qualified
to make this dinner a success
94
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:21,960
than someone who knows exactly what
me and my wife are going through?
95
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:25,960
Someone who can do javelin
and shot put.
96
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,000
Weird sporting analogies aside,
97
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,960
I'm getting a little bit sick
of you thinking
98
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:32,960
that you can use me being
transgender to your advantage.
99
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:34,960
Let me just have a look
at my piece of paper.
100
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:37,960
Because it says here last week
you accidentally booked a mammogram
101
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:40,960
and a prostate exam on the same day.
102
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:43,960
Which, as I explained,
was definitely not an excuse
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00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:45,960
to go and see a Magic Mike matinee.
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Homie, you owe me.
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THUNDERCLAP
106
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Now, as the lead investigator
and sole member
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00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,960
of the Hate Crime Task Force,
I've asked you here
108
00:04:56,960 --> 00:05:00,960
to recreate the offensive image
found in the women's bathroom.
109
00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:04,960
We match the picture to the person,
we find our transphobe.
110
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:08,640
Why have you drawn Olivia
upside down?
111
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:09,960
No, no, th... those are pubes.
112
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:15,800
Wow, Beefy, that's, er...
113
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Oh, Beefy!
It's actually really good.
114
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,960
When are you gonna reopen
the women's toilet?
115
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,960
I had a petrol station pasty
for dinner,
116
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:25,960
and it's like the third act
of Shawshank Redemption back there.
117
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Oh, great film.
118
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No-one in, no-one out.
It remains a crime scene.
119
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And I'll remind you,
I am your assistant manager.
120
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:35,960
So why does your badge say
"ass man"?
121
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:36,960
Ass man?
122
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,960
Does it? Oh, Olivia!
123
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:42,960
Maybe don't give out marker pens
when there's a vandal on the loose.
124
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,960
Yeah, OK, thank you.
Michael, you've...
125
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,800
you've written your own name, mate,
and you've spelt it wrong.
126
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Is that... Sorry, is that not
what we're supposed to do?
127
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:52,960
No, THAT'S what we're supposed
to do!
128
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:54,960
Wow. Yeah, it's really, really good.
Isn't it?
129
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:57,960
That does look exactly like
her willy, as well.
130
00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:59,160
Just draw the picture, man!
131
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,480
I might just copy yours.
132
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,160
I've taken the liberty of drawing up
a list of everybody
133
00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,960
that might have a problem with you.
134
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:10,960
This is everyone that works here.
135
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,960
Well, I was extrapolating
from your personality.
136
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,960
The vandal is someone
who is most likely jealous
137
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,960
of your fundraiser.
138
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:25,960
I'd say "nice try",
139
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:28,000
but even for you,
this is really, really lazy.
140
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:30,000
Please tell me
you haven't done it to all of them.
141
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,960
Well, don't look at me, Thomas.
142
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,960
I don't know if you've heard,
but there is a vandal on the loose.
143
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,960
Guess you're gonna wanna take all
these ugly posters down now, huh?
144
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:39,960
Millie.
Yes?
145
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,960
I'd like you to, er, take a pen
146
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,960
and cover up all the rude words
on those posters.
147
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,640
They're staying up.
148
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:47,960
You heard the man, Millie.
149
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:49,000
I'm on it.
150
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:51,960
That'll pay off in a few hours.
151
00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:57,960
Liv, hi.
152
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,160
I've been thinking, erm...
153
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:03,960
Well, you know,
just about how much I like you,
154
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,160
and how I think you're great,
you know, really.
155
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,960
It's just, well,
what I wanted to say was
156
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,960
with the, erm,
graffiti and everything...
157
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,960
..I just didn't plan for this much
attention, and so, well...
158
00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:20,960
..well, I think we should stop
seeing each other.
159
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:21,960
Oh, OK.
160
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:25,960
I didn't realise we were...
seeing each other. I just...
161
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:28,960
I guess I've always thought of you
more like a dildo with kind eyes.
162
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:33,960
Does that mean no more, erm,
casual sex in the warehouse?
163
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:35,960
Erm...
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00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:37,960
HE GROANS
OK.
165
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,160
It's fine.
166
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:43,960
It's a shame, though, because...
167
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:44,960
of the baby.
168
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:47,960
The, er...
169
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:50,960
Sorry, erm, what baby?
Yeah.
170
00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,480
Congratulations,
we are having a baby.
171
00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:53,960
It's a bum baby.
172
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,960
One in 44 million chance,
apparently, er...
173
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,960
but it is up there.
CLEARS THROAT
174
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:00,160
Shame it's gonna grow up
without a dad,
175
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:03,960
but I hear they are
resilient little things.
176
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:06,800
OK, erm...
EXHALES HEAVILY
177
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:08,160
..Olivia...
178
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:09,960
I'm gonna be there.
179
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:10,960
Yeah?
Yes.
180
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:11,960
OK.
181
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:15,320
For... For... For... For you
and... and... and for the baby.
182
00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:16,960
Less important, but, yeah.
183
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:18,480
Oh, my God!
184
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:20,960
Can I?
185
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,480
Oh, OK.
186
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:27,480
Hello.
187
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,640
My name's Michael.
I'm gonna be your dad.
188
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:32,960
Oh, OK.
189
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,960
Me and your mum
are gonna name you Spider-Man.
190
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,960
Are we?
It's after my uncle.
191
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:38,960
Hmm.
192
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:43,960
I feel like the answer's
right in front of me.
193
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,960
Oh! Oh, it's dead!
194
00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:06,640
HE YELLS
195
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,960
Olivia, you don't need a load
of fancy ingredients
196
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:10,960
to make a romantic meal.
197
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,960
You'd be amazed what I can do
with a courgette.
198
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:17,160
No, Simon, trust me, YOU'D be amazed
what I can do with a courgette.
199
00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:19,960
Now, look - your wife says
you've lost all sense of adventure.
200
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,960
What better way to prove her wrong
than with an adventurous meal?
201
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,960
I'm thinking marzipan.
I'm thinking piccalilli.
202
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,960
No, no, she's allergic
to piccalilli.
203
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:29,800
What better way
to make a woman tingle?
204
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:31,960
Call me a prude,
but I'm not gonna poison my wife
205
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:32,960
just to spice up our marriage.
206
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,960
That feels like one step forward
and two steps back.
207
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:37,960
Well...
208
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,960
You... You know,
on our first date,
209
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,960
the restaurant we were going to
misplaced our booking,
210
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,960
so I ended up cooking her
a three-course meal
211
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,480
using a Premier Inn trouser press.
212
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:47,960
Great.
213
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,960
What I'm saying is
the way to a woman's heart...
214
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:51,960
Don't touch those.
Sorry.
215
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:52,960
Is through her stomach.
216
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,960
Spoken like
the world's worst surgeon.
217
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,960
Now, get some liquorice
and parmesan.
218
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:57,960
Yes, sir!
219
00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:59,960
I mean... woman.
220
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,960
Heard about the bum baby,
by the way. Mazel tov.
221
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,960
Question - when are you gonna let us
start using the toilets?
222
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,960
The female staff are starting
to call you No-Shit Sherlock.
223
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:13,640
I found a clue.
Oh, for...
224
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,960
Phone at the scene of the crime.
225
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:16,960
Screen was compromised,
226
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:20,640
but, er, managed to get these
off the mainframe.
227
00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:22,960
Oh, but when I need help
scrubbing my browser history,
228
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:23,960
suddenly you're Forrest Gump.
229
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:27,960
Porn, porn, porn, porn.
230
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,480
Someone's dinner.
No, it's...
231
00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,960
You're right, that's porn.
Well done, Thomas.
232
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,960
If we were 12, this would be
the find of the century.
233
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,320
You're imagining things.
234
00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:38,960
THUNDERCLAP
235
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:47,960
Nah.
236
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:52,160
Sushi is fancy,
but raw fish has been done to death.
237
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:53,960
I give you raw chicken.
238
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:58,640
Japanese call it "torisashi".
OK.
239
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:00,960
I mean, if you think this will help,
I will try anything.
240
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:03,320
KNOCK AT DOOR
Oh, Christ, that's my wife!
241
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:05,320
She's here early. Just... hide.
242
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,160
Pretend to be a lamp or something.
What?
243
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:08,960
Get in with the coats!
244
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,960
Oh, hey.
Hi.
245
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,960
Erm...
246
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,960
Simon is a little bit busy
right now,
247
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:19,960
but if you give it two minutes,
then you and I can, you know...
248
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,320
..have sex in the warehouse again.
249
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:24,640
Yeah, erm, actually, Liv, I just...
250
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:26,960
I didn't come to...
I came to talk to you.
251
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:28,960
Erm...
I've thought about this a lot.
252
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:29,960
I doubt that.
253
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:31,960
I'm just not ready to be a dad.
OK? I can't do it.
254
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:35,960
It's the... the crying, the nappies,
and...
255
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:36,960
Oh, my God, the birth.
256
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:39,960
What if I cut the umbilical cord
and I cut the wrong thing?
257
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,960
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Then he'll be just like his mum, OK?
258
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,960
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I'm gonna get you through this.
259
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,960
It's just really important
that we stay together, OK?
260
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:51,960
Ideally sexually.
I'm sorry, Liv.
261
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,960
I mean it this time, OK? I'm done.
262
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:03,960
GRUNTING
263
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:05,320
Pull it, Mike!
264
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,000
OK.
265
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:11,960
It's the wrong room.
266
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:17,960
LIV SIGHS
267
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:23,160
What are you doing?
268
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:28,960
No employee of mine is gonna
be raising a baby on their own.
269
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,000
I'm sorry I have to ask this.
270
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:35,320
Erm, the transgender thing
is completely new to me.
271
00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:37,960
Is it maternity or paternity?
272
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:39,960
Simon...
273
00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:42,960
..it's both. I'm entitled to both.
274
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:46,960
Here we go. Here at Pellocks,
we take care of each other.
275
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:50,960
I... We...
will always be here for you.
276
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:54,960
PHONE BUZZES
277
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:57,960
Hold that thought.
278
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,960
Hmm.
279
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:08,960
What?
280
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,960
What's in it?
You tell me.
281
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:15,960
Somebody left it outside the store,
282
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,640
and I can only assume
it was left for you
283
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:18,960
by the Hate Crime Bandit.
284
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:28,960
Hmm, so we know the criminal
is a formal person with teeth.
285
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,960
CLEARS THROAT
286
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,320
"Simon..."
Oh!
287
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:38,960
"It's clear the shop means
more to you than I do.
288
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,960
"I'm sick of giving you chances."
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
289
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:45,960
Lots of stuff about
sexual inadequacy, personal hygiene.
290
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:48,960
Yeah, there it is.
She's asking for a divorce.
291
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,640
Oh.
Now I feel like a prick.
292
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:53,960
Maybe the wife did the graffiti.
THEY YELL
293
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:55,960
Millie! Flip!
Oh, sorry.
294
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:58,960
Right. Right. Right.
295
00:14:58,960 --> 00:14:59,960
CLEARS THROAT
296
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:01,480
KNOCK AT DOOR
297
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:03,960
Hello.
298
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,960
DOOR OPENS
299
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:11,960
She's not coming, is she?
300
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:18,960
Well... it's not like we went
to a lot of trouble, is it?
301
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:23,160
I know you said
I should be adventurous,
302
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:24,960
but I just felt like I needed
303
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,960
to cook something
from the heart, so...
304
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:32,960
Simon.
305
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:36,960
That's like the fourth best thing
I've ever put in my mouth.
306
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:39,800
Erm...
307
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:41,960
your wife left you a box of things
at the front of the store.
308
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:43,960
Did she leave a note?
309
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:46,640
No, there wasn't a note.
It was just a box of things.
310
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:48,960
That's really strange.
Cos, I mean...
311
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,960
my wife would definitely
have left a note.
312
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,960
Really?
313
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,960
Erm... what's that at the window?
314
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,960
Oh, here it is.
315
00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,960
Yeah, it's, erm,
the note from your wife
316
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,320
that I will now read to you
instead of giving to you
317
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:04,320
for reasons that are
not very important.
318
00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:06,960
So, let's do this. "Dear Simon..."
319
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,960
She only calls me Simon
when she's angry.
320
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,960
Or... Or when she's aroused.
321
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:13,160
"Dear Simon.
322
00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:15,640
"You have probably figured out
by now
323
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:16,960
"that I would like a divorce."
324
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:18,000
HE GROANS
325
00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:22,960
"But I am too chickenshit
to tell you that in person,
326
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:27,960
"because you are
such a handsome, fancy boy.
327
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:30,960
"I know you to be
a deeply caring man.
328
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,960
"The love you have for your staff
is very clear,
329
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:36,960
"especially Olivia,
who I know respects you deeply,
330
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:38,960
"despite the fact
that she never really shows it."
331
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:42,960
That's really weird, cos I've never
mentioned you at home.
332
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,960
Rude.
CLEARS THROAT
333
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,960
"I have left you this box
of mementos
334
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,160
"as a, er, reminder of our love."
335
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:53,960
Signed, your wife's name,
which you already know,
336
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:55,960
and that's the end of the letter,
so...
337
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,160
Yeah, well, I mean, knowing Freida,
338
00:16:58,160 --> 00:16:59,960
she would have left
a detailed breakdown
339
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,640
of each and every item
inside that carton.
340
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:04,960
Really?
Yeah.
341
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,960
OK. Erm, what's that
at the window again?
342
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,960
Oh, here it is on the other side.
CLEARS THROAT
343
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:09,960
OK, here we go.
344
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,960
"This is your toothbrush,
345
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:17,960
"because your smile
always made me smile,
346
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:21,960
"the same way when you see somebody
yawn or do some sick."
347
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:23,960
Yeah.
348
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:27,160
Er, then there's this -
"A tiny bag of, erm...
349
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:33,960
"..what I can only assume
is our dog's still-warm detritus,
350
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:37,960
"because while I can't bear
to part with him
351
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:39,960
"at this difficult time,
352
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,640
"I want you to remember him
as the dog he was."
353
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:46,960
Incredibly well-fed, apparently.
Stop.
354
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:49,640
Stop.
355
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:52,960
I think it's clear
from my wife's note
356
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,960
that she's trying
to let me down gently.
357
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:59,160
And if my wife were here,
I would tell her
358
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,960
that I... I really appreciate
the gesture.
359
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:06,800
Cheers.
360
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,640
Thank you all for coming.
361
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:17,960
I've gathered you here this evening
because it's...
362
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:18,960
We can't hear a word you're saying.
363
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,960
HE SIGHS
Fine.
364
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:23,960
This probably isn't the answer
you were all expecting,
365
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:26,000
but after considering
all the evidence
366
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:31,160
and investigating all of you,
the Hate Crime Bandit is...
367
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,960
..it could have been any one of you.
368
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:39,960
Wait, is that it?
369
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,960
I had to take a piddle
in a hollowed-out pumpkin.
370
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,960
Beefy Linda spent the night shaking
mini turds out of her jeggings
371
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,640
like it was the prison yard scene
in Shawshank Redemption.
372
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:49,960
Great film.
Great film.
373
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:51,960
Andy Dufresne.
374
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:56,800
Look, you all clearly had a bone
to pick with Liv, and if I'm honest,
375
00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:59,960
it took me longer than expected
to go home and get the hat,
376
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:01,960
so I'd appreciate it if...
It was me.
377
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,800
What?
378
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,960
I drew the lady with the boobs
in... in... in the mirror.
379
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,800
Mike...
I was horny, all right?
380
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,960
I was... really horny,
381
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,960
hornier than I've ever been,
382
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,960
perhaps more than any man
has ever been.
383
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:23,640
And so I decided to go to the gents,
you know, to take care of things.
384
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:27,960
But... oh, God,
it was disgusting in there.
385
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:29,800
It was...
386
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,960
So I crossed to the ladies, and...
387
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,960
..I was gonna look
at some porn on my phone.
388
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:39,960
But I lost my phone.
389
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:42,960
I was gonna leave,
390
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:47,960
but then I saw the lipstick
by the sink, and...
391
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:53,960
I just began to draw, you know,
from... memory.
392
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:56,960
I'm sorry.
393
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:58,480
But I didn't draw the penis.
394
00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:00,960
No, that wasn't me.
395
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,960
As God is my witness,
I did not draw that willy.
396
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:07,160
I'm sorry.
397
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:10,960
So, we're supposed to believe
that you're stupid enough
398
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,640
to lose your phone
in a locked cubicle?
399
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:15,960
Yeah, no, that tracks.
No.
400
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,960
No-one half confesses to a crime.
401
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:21,320
Why would Michael admit to drawing
the cartoon but not the penis?
402
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,960
Don't give out marker pens
when there's a vandal on the loose.
403
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,960
Dunno if you've heard,
but there's a vandal on the loose.
404
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:30,960
I feel like the answer's
right in front of me.
405
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:36,000
It was you.
406
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:38,960
This whole time.
407
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:40,640
What? Oh, yeah.
LIV LAUGHS
408
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:41,960
It was me.
409
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:45,480
Why would you fake a hate crime
against yourself?
410
00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:48,800
Thomas, I tried telling you
at the beginning of the evening
411
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:49,960
that everything was fine.
412
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:53,960
But you lot were so determined
to get offended on my behalf
413
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,960
that you turned a non-issue
into fake panic.
414
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:58,960
Why don't you explain
to all these lovely people
415
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:00,960
what is so inherently offensive
416
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,960
about the image of a woman
with a penis?
417
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,480
Well, erm...
I went into that bathroom
418
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:06,960
and I saw a picture of a lady,
419
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,960
and I added a chunky cock
because it made me smile.
420
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,960
But at the end of the day,
421
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:14,960
the only real villain at the end
of this fucked-up fairy tale
422
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:18,480
is just another straight white man
wanking where he shouldn't be.
423
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:22,160
At this point,
I would drop a mic,
424
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:23,480
but I haven't got a mic.
425
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:24,960
Mike, lay on the ground.
426
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:27,960
I've just got quite dodgy knees.
Do what the lady says, Mike!
427
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,960
Oh, God.
428
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:32,960
Now, Simon, if you'll kindly fire
Wanksy down there,
429
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:34,960
we can all get back to work.
With pleasure.
430
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,480
You're fired, Mike.
431
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:38,960
Oh, I found a penny.
432
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:47,960
You know, it's ironic...
433
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,800
What the fuck are you playing at,
Thomas?
434
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:51,960
Don't just walk up next to somebody
and start talking.
435
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:53,480
That is a mad way
to start a conversation.
436
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,480
Sorry. It's just I had
a really cool line.
437
00:21:57,640 --> 00:21:59,960
It's all right if I use it?
438
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:00,960
Yes, do the line.
439
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:01,960
Thanks.
CLEARS THROAT
440
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:06,000
You know, it's ironic I spent
all evening looking in that mirror,
441
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:08,960
but the one person I didn't see
was myself.
442
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,640
Fuck, that's actually really good.
Yeah, thanks.
443
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:14,800
Listen, I'm sorry about
444
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:16,960
blowing things out of proportion
this evening.
445
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:18,960
You're right, I should...
I should listen to you more.
446
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:22,160
It's OK, Thomas.
It's all about the long game.
447
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:23,960
Oh.
448
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:25,960
Last one.
449
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:33,960
Hitler.
450
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,640
Touche.
451
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,160
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