Original subtitles

You don't find it slightly ironic that you of all people

are making fun of somebody for changing their appearance?

Tom, you can have frosty tips or a frosty personality.

You can't have both at the same time.

Take your hat off. Let's see it again.

TOM SIGHS

They're only supposed to frost the tips.

How am I supposed to know where the tip ends?

Spoken like every college boyfriend ever.

Millie.

Thomas.

Wow. Erm...

you look like a young Father Christmas.

Yeah? Yes.

Millie, Tom and I would love to stay and make small talk,

but I think that technically counts as a hate crime,

so we're gonna go, I reckon. Oh, come on, now, Liv.

I wouldn't have pegged you for a grumpy guts. Ooh!

THEY LAUGH Yeah.

Ha... Ah, you couldn't peg me if your life depended on it.

Hang on, Millie, have you been...? Have you been working in the dark?

I've only just turned the lights on.

Yeah, I came in early to get a head start on my list,

but I couldn't find the light switch.

But then I was like, "Well, I'm here now,

"and these kiwis aren't gonna move themselves."

Except the ones that did.

And I'm just realising now those might have been rats.

Right.

Listen, er, Millie, erm...

Liv and I are actually done here now, so I was, erm...

I was wondering if perhaps you'd like to join me

in getting a head start

on reorganising some of the breakfast cereals

according to roughage content? Ooh, you've read my mind.

Yeah? Yeah.

Not really, though. I was thinking about micro pigs.

Micro pigs.

We're just gonna go and chat about micro pigs and...

Please, tell me... Tell me more. Oh, really?

Erm, yeah, let me grab this. So... Yeah.

..micro pigs are the kindest animals to walk the planet.

I've never...

No, yeah, go on, you can go without me.

It's fine, I'll just, erm...

I'll just stay here and swivel on a pair of barbecue tongs.

STAFF CHATTER

OK.

Listen up, everyone. Thank you very much.

Er, we have a big health and safety inspection coming up.

Now, call me crazy, er, but I think we can improve on this number,

but only if we start taking health and safety more...

Seriously!

..seriously.

Now, to that end, I thought we could do a bit of role play.

Ooh. So, let's imagine for a second

you're at the deli counter cutting meat,

and a... a guy, a simple guy, nice guy, let's...

let's call him Simon, approaches to ask a very innocent question about,

oh, I don't know, bin rotas.

In that situation,

what shouldn't we do with a butcher's knife?

What shouldn't we do with a butcher's knife?

Beefy Linda?

Simon. Beefy Linda?

Beefy Linda?

CHAIR SQUEAKS

Beefy?

Simon. Yeah! Beefy Linda.

Millie's got her hand up.

So she does, yeah. Yeah, go on.

Don't panic or stab you in the eye.

Sorry.

Yeah, don't panic or stab me in the eye

with a butcher's knife is the correct answer.

Law of the jungle.

But it isn't a jungle, is it? It's a supermarket.

I doubt we'd be selling bloody fabric softener

in the Amazon, would we?

Well, not with that attitude, no.

What? Unbelievable.

Now, the word "safety"... God, that Millie.

Who is that excited to come to work?

Willy Wonka isn't that excited... Liv, shut up! I'm trying to listen.

I'm just saying there's something very odd

about somebody who's that into this job.

So if you are sniffing around that particular bush, if I were you,

I would leave that well alone.

There's no bush sniffing, OK? Millie and I aren't a thing.

And even if we were, the only reason you'd care

is you'd be jealous I'd have a new friend to replace you with.

Ha!

I was just laughing at the thing you said.

About my friend's chemical burns?

Yep.

So, in the interest of health and safety,

tonight, we are all gonna undergo

a mandatory health and safety refresher course.

Get in! I'll bring my elbow pads.

Not you, Millie. I need you to count the loose crisps or something.

Who's gonna look after my deli counter?

I refuse to let my meat go under the knife

unless it's in the hands of a professional.

Now THAT I happen to agree with.

Well, some of you may know, some of you may not know, erm...

but I started my career here at Pellocks on the deli counter.

Before I traded my apron in for a managerial power tie.

I-I... I don't know why I'm telling you this,

but I met my wife on... on the deli counter, too.

She...

She came in looking for some pork loin and... and, erm...

..she left mine ablaze.

Speaking of tiny fires...

And, yes, I do mean birthday candles.

..I'd like to remind everyone

that we have a very special staff birthday gathering

in the shop at midnight.

My God, shut up, Millie. Nobody cares.

You know him. You love him.

It's everyone's favourite assistant manager,

Thomas Rice! Whoo! MILLIE APPLAUDS

Happy birthday, Thomas!

Party! Get down.

Yeah.

Uh...

You wanna come and sit here? I put that there for you.

OK.

OK. Erm, right.

Can anyone tell me the first thing to do

when you set up a food prep area?

Hey, yes, Beefy, excellent.

Whack on some banging tunes?

No, no, no, that's... that's wrong, I'm afraid.

Listening to music while working seriously impairs the senses.

I mean, it takes a truly skilled knifeman

to rock out... with his hock out.

Er, moving on...

I don't know if it's the eye patch,

but I'm gonna be honest with you, this is doing it for me.

Now, I wanna talk about bloodborne parasites.

HE SNORTS Nope, still sexy.

Tom, you have to talk to me at some point.

It's not like I forgot an important birthday, is it?

I'm 30. 30?

Well, not to split fanny hairs, but my tits turned two last week.

Not so much as a card from you, my friend.

Not that I actually care, because, as I say,

who remembers each other's birthdays any more?

It's actually very weird that Millie remembered yours.

Oh, God, you... you don't think she's a bit...

..porcine AIDS, bovine AIDS...

Sorry, what is this mime?

I completely forgot why I started. Millie's not crazy!

Trust me, that psychopath is hiding something.

Olivia!

There's, like, four of us. I can hear every word you're saying.

Please, just... can we concentrate?

These health and safety inspectors, they are bad mothers.

They take no shit.

Unless... Oh, hang on, well, unless they find a bit of shit.

If they find a little rat faeces or something, then they will take that.

They'll take it away to the lab to be tested.

And then... And then shit gets real.

Look, I... I understand it's an unhelpful metaphor,

and I-I... I apologise for that, but...

..just get out there tonight, yeah?

And remember, Pellocks...

wuvs woo.

Hooray! God, what is he...?

Stay safe, people. Yeah?

Thanks, Beef.

HEAVY METAL BLARES, STOPS

UPBEAT MUSIC

Oh, yes.

Mm.

Hello. Hi, what can I get you?

Would you like some sirloin steak? We have some.

Just £12.99 per kilogram.

- What would you like? Some lamb? - Lo-o-o-vely.

Chicken? Yeah, I've got all the meats...

including Simon's big banger.

Ha-ha-ha! Yes!

Massage. Yeah.

And you, chicken thighs? Yeah, I've got packs of six.

Hey, hey, easy, back up. Plenty of room for everyone.

Would you like a meatball? Huh? Would YOU like a meatball?

HE SCREAMS, CRASHES

My coccyx!

At ease, my salty comrades.

So...

..how long have you and Tom been...?

Getting married? Oh, that's adorable.

Look, if you're trying to start a pissing contest

with a transgender woman,

I think I know which one of us has better aim.

Tom is my friend. Back the fuck down.

I am so sorry if I've done something to offend you.

If this is about the time I snubbed you on aisle 15,

I swear to God, I thought you were a discount Halloween decoration.

You know what, Millie, maybe you're right.

Maybe you really are just that nice.

Oh, no.

I seem to have knocked over one of your jars.

MILLIE GASPS

It's OK, it can happen to anyone. It's not like you did it on purpose.

Wow. What a sweet thing to say.

And I promise, Millie, it will never happen again.

MILLIE GASPS

Wow. Heh. Ooh...

Somebody's being a butterfingers.

Do these look buttery to you?

Ooh... NERVOUS LAUGH

Simon, you need to fire Millie.

Don't ask me why, just trust me, the woman's a fruitcake.

Simon!

SIMON GROANS WEAKLY

I accidentally unplugged the deli freezer...

..and now I've got loads of extra meat I need to get rid of.

Well, just like that, you and I have something in common.

Shut up, Olivia!

I'm in over my head, I can't run this place.

I never wanted to be a manager.

It's just...

it's so much responsibility, it's just so much stress.

I miss the man I was behind this counter.

Chopping loins and making coins.

Cleaning turkey necks, cashing dirty cheques...

..with not a care in the fucking world.

Yeah.

My wife fell in love with the man I was behind this counter.

But now I don't know who I am any more.

How much of that is tears, and how much is meat juice?

Hm, 80-20. OK.

You've obviously got everything covered.

If I could just get you to come fire Millie,

then I'll leave you to your evening.

Fire Millie?!

I'm not firing my most hard-working employee

just cos she gives you the creeps.

She does the work of four people.

That's like 16 yous.

Rude. No, for me to fire Millie,

she'd have to do something really bloody dangerous.

One of these days, that bitch is gonna blow,

and then it's gonna be more than just meat juice on your hands.

Pull yourself together and be a bloody manager!

Hm.

You don't see many crowbars these days.

They run out of old-timey dynamite sticks?

Look in here and tell me you do not see the behaviour of a psychopath.

Oh, I see the behaviour of a psychopath.

You need Millie to be crazy,

otherwise you're a bad friend for forgetting my birthday.

All right, Carl Jung.

Or should I say "not-so-Jung-any more",

on account of your gradual decline towards the grave.

I've been on this planet 30 years,

the only meaningful relationship I have is you.

Just get over yourself, and leave Millie alone.

And you know what, Sideshow... Knob?

Leave me alone, too, I'm done.

Ooh... Ooh. Oh, no.

Liv! What are you, erm...?

Oh, what's going on here?

Oh, nothing. I spotted this gum on the ceiling.

I'm thinking to myself, "Now, that is neither healthy nor safe."

And then with this inspection coming up,

why has nobody ever thought about scraping this gum off before?

You know, it's funny, I did try once, but it's impossible.

Some things are just not meant for the mortal hands to grasp.

Consigned to the realms of gods and angels.

Yeah, you're probably right. Let's just leave it up there, yeah?

Judging us.

The one "to do" that was never "ta done".

Oh, like a squishy white whale.

Yeah, I'm just gonna pop this spatula on there.

There we go.

Bye, then.

I'm coming for you, bitch.

OK, so it turns out Millie... You remember Millie.

Millie is out there doing something incredibly unsafe.

Take a seat. Daddy Bear got meat to move. Satoshi-san.

Yeah, I can offer you two dozen birds at cost price.

But if you want my meat, you're not a breast guy,

you're not a thigh guy, you're a whole bird,

bum-to-bawk-er kind of guy.

You are? Outstanding!

OK, so, Millie... Hey. Shh! Listen. I should be thanking you.

That talk you gave me, that was the real boot in the beans I needed.

I'm so glad... Oh. Excuse me, it's the zoo.

Caesar, hello, mate. No, no, no, that's the deal, I'm afraid.

Let me spell it out to you.

Do you want Tongo to eat tonight,

or do you wanna have to paint black stripes on a big orange dog?

Yeah, exactly what I thought. Bye-bye.

Simon, I am happy for you, I really am.

If you come out and fire Millie,

I think we'd all feel a lot better...

KNOCKS Quarter pounder with cheese, please.

Yeah, excuse me.

Here we go, I've got it ready for you, mate.

That's fine, let me take that. Three, four and five is your change.

Thank you. Totally normal.

As I was saying, if you could just come out

and fire Millie, I think we'd all feel a lot... Shh!

Wasn't there something going on at midnight?

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday... # PARTY HORN SQUEAKS

It's cool.

Oh-ho-ho! Salutations, Thomas.

Did I hear someone say tax-deductible birthday banger?

I'm vegan. Yeah. That's good.

Great, thanks.

Where's Millie?

What happened to the stepladder? She said it was slowing her down.

Shh, shh. Shh, shh, shh.

Hey, come on. I just wanna say a few words.

Sorry, I know this is a party, but permit me.

Erm... I am so proud of this team.

We've gone an entire night without an incident,

and, you know what, that gives me hope

that there is someone up there who still looks out for us.

Son of a bitch!

Argh! Millie!

Millie! What you doing up in the bloody ceiling?

Oh, no, am I missing the party? Happy birthday, Thomas!

# Happy birthday... #

Oh, Millie, now that is so incredibly unsafe!

Some might even say fireably unsafe. Olivia, shut up! She could die!

Millie, it's Tom. Please, I really think you should come down.

MILLIE SCREAMS

Oh, shit.

Ah! I'll be fine... if I just stay here forever.

Millie, just try and hold on.

Argh! Help...

Whatever you do, don't let your fingers

incrementally slip off one by one like they do in the movies.

OK. Oh! One slipped off!

I'm so sorry!

Oh, that's another one, that's twice as many as before.

Yup, there goes another one, that's 60% of my grip compromised!

MILLIE SCREAMS

Huh?! Oh!

Oh! MILLIE SQUEALS

MILLIE LAUGHS

Millie, for the record, I was trying to get you fired,

not splattered on the floor like a northern blancmange.

If I'd known you'd pull a John McClane,

I might have thought twice.

Don't blame yourself. I took the bait.

I care way too much what people think.

I guess we both do.

I feel like we've never spoken this openly before.

I know, right?

What are you doing later? Fancy a game of pickleball?

I've no fucking idea what that is. You're gonna love it, Liv.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

TOM GAGGING I think Tom's choking.

Not today! Three, two, one!

Snapped him like a blond Twix.

Anyway, I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I'm having to draw an angry red face

on your employment record, Millie.

Why do you have to make it look so much like my dad?

It's just a coincidence. Liv, always a pleasure.

If there's nothing else, I have 40 pounds of ground beef

to eat before sunup, so I will bid you adieu.

How's it feel to do something bad?

Good.

How's it feel to do something good? Weird.

Speaking of which... consider this a peace offering.

Let me see her.

Watermelon. I always knew in my heart it was watermelon.

OK.

Sorry I forgot your birthday, Tom.

I don't care that you forgot my birthday.

I was just upset because...

well, I was anxious that I was turning 30.

I needed a friend, not someone constantly screaming,

"Eureka! My time machine works!"

Tom, man, everybody gets older.

Unless Millie's got some sort of Benjamin Button situation

I don't know about.

Liv can't wait to get older.

All the women have beards and the men have tits.

She's gonna fit right in.

And that is what you call top shelf repartee.

Oh, it's the first top shelf I've ever seen.

Yes, Millie, high-five.

Dial it back, I'm still a person. OK.

Truth is I actually feel pretty good.

This brush with death has...

Well, it's made me realise I was being a bit stupid.

Life's short, and I wanna live it to the full

with the people that I care about.

It's almost like somebody planned this entire thing

to give you the birthday gift of a new perspective on life.

Yeah, right.

What, so you deliberately forgot my birthday,

you then teased me all day in order to stoke my insecurities,

you manipulated Millie up into the ceiling

in order to pry off some chewing gum,

knowing that at that exact moment,

I'd be stood underneath with my mouth open,

bingo bango, chewing gum down my windpipe.

HE SNORTS Yeah, right.

THEY LAUGH

Can you imagine?!

ALL LAUGH

LIV'S LAUGH TRAILS OFF

LAUGHTER STOPS

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