Original subtitles

'Ave Maria'

She is risen. Olivia!

Shared bathroom!

CROWD SHOUTING

Trans people are people! Trans people are people!

Trans people are people! Trans people are people!

Trans people are people!

Trans people are people! Trans people are...

It's all over social media.

Did you not think to check the advert before it went up? No.

How am I supposed to do an accurate stock check of the mushrooms

when there's new ones growing on the old ones?

I'm a bit busy to focus on fungus, Linda!

I've got a car park full of activists

planning an all-night protest!

THUMP, SHE SCREAMS

On the bright side, Simon, that was definitely one of our tomatoes.

I can tell - it had a real Pellocks quality to it.

Stop it. Sorry.

I thought I was saving the company money, you know?

One billboard, two products.

Ladies' razors and condoms side by side.

"Legs so smooth, you're gonna need protection."

Just... It's clever, it's clever.

At its heart, it's clever!

It says, "Ladyboys, get out."

SIMON GROANS

Oh, no. This is a bloody nightmare.

I fully support transgender people, all right? I just... I just...

I want that out there.

Er, my mum, she...

..she dressed me like a little girl till I was five or six, so...

..I get it, you know, I get it.

Don't. OK, this... this can be recovered!

Erm, what's the quickest way to show we're a fully inclusive workplace?

SHE CLICKS FINGERS Beefy Linda?

Don't know. Nothing? You ain't got nothing?

Er, I work here. Oh, my God.

Erm... Ah, right!

Erm, does anyone know any transgenders?

I'll look it up. "Transgender woman in my area."

Oh, I was not expecting that.

Let me see. Erm...

No, no, I haven't finished.

Ah... Hmm...

HE EXHALES Of course.

Yeah, but I'm just saying, most women sit down to wee.

Most women have no comeback to an unsolicited dick pic.

At least I can aggressively reciprocate.

Look, can you please tidy up after yourself?

I haven't got time to restack shelves.

I've gotta get to work to... restack shelves.

No way you're destroying the Blood Chimera on your own.

So call in sick and help me. Well, I'm not sick.

Well, I've seen your anime collection.

Agree to disagree.

All I'm saying, Thomas,

is it feels like you don't wanna hang out with me any more.

Liv, I work nights.

It's not my fault you choose to start your day at 9pm.

Unless, of course,

you've confused being transgender with Transylvanian.

Anyway, what's the point of you dolling yourself up every day

just to sit on your arse?

Get out, meet people.

Thomas, why would I wanna leave this flat

when all of my favourite people are right here?

Well, look, seeing as you are up, it's now officially three months.

I thought it would be a good time to pick up that conversation

about you contributing to rent.

Tomothy, I would love to contribute, I really would.

I'm not gonna do that, though, and I'm gonna tell you why.

That's because I have very recently decided

that I am, in fact, saving up for the old gender realignment surgery.

I thought you didn't want a vagina.

You said you were scared of a bee flying up in it.

Oh, who are you, my gynaecologist?

Cos it sounds like you're accusing a transgender woman

of lying about her desire to acquire a clunge

just to get out of paying the rent,

which is definitely not what's happening.

How are you gonna pay for the surgery without a job?

Oh, I'll just get a job, shall I?

I'll just go get myself a job,

like that's the most normal thing in the world.

Thomas, if someone wants to call up and give me a job,

I'll take that job, but that is never gonna happen.

HE SIGHS Yeah.

Right, I'm off. How do I look?

Like the Milky Bar Kid.

After a long, drawn-out battle with...

DOOR CLOSES

..heroin.

SHE SIGHS

KEY RATTLES IN DOOR

Oh, my God, I can't believe you missed me so much.

Liv, grab one of my uniforms and get changed.

There's no time to explain.

Yes, there is. Oh, for God's sake, fine.

You are now a proud member of the Pellocks supermarket night shift.

And I...

Pause for dramatic effect.

..am your new supervisor.

Trans people are people! Trans people are people!

# La-la-la, la-la-la

# La-la-la, la-la-la-la-la

# La-la-la, la-la-la

# It sounds like cha-ching When I walk in

# Boom, bam Let my money do all of the

# Talking is cheap

# So think before you speak Cos you can't even afford it

# All I ever need, all I ever want

# Fell asleep in the sky Woke up in New York

# Wall Street kind of vibe And they buy my stock

# Going up, going up, going up... #

Welcome to the night shift.

While the customer snores, we sweep up the floors.

OK. A little motto, isn't it?

Yeah, it's something. A credo, a ditty.

I don't know what you wanna call it. We wrote it.

It's fun, isn't it?

It's just a fun... I have fun.

We have fun.

Welcome to the ship. THEY LAUGH

Now, listen, going forward, do you prefer Olivia or Liv?

I think I would prefer to be at home,

pleasuring myself to a VHS of the 1998 musical Cats.

Now, uh, Thomas tells me that you are saving up for ge...

er, gender reassignment surgery.

Tell us something about that. Am I?

I am, yep. No, you're right, I am, er...

Can't wait. It's gonna be great.

OK. Now, tell me, I... I mean...

..you don't have to, but...

..is that the carrot or the tatties?

The thing.

# Ahh! #

Oh, great, there's a book Et voila, madame.

The Pellocks Employee Handbook.

65 sizzling pages

of safety guidelines and interpersonal etiquette.

Strap in, it's a real page-turner.

I haven't got so lost in a book since Harry Potter.

Have you read those?

Pay no mind to the noise outside.

Erm, there's been a bit of a misunderstanding,

but, rest assured, we here at Pellocks

are a fully inclusive workforce.

THUMP Hitler!

We want trans rights! Can you get that?

We want trans rights now! Come out here, you pellock!

Fascist!

We want you to be as loud and as proud as you like.

And to that end, perhaps you'd like to put something up on your socials

about how proud you are to be part of the Pellocks rainbow,

hashtag "we are Pellocks", hashtag "competent management",

something like that.

And, of course, if there's anything we can do

to make your time here at Pellocks even more inclusive,

my door is always open to you, and...

and that is because I've... I lost my key.

- Like, I don't wanna shut it cos I... - ..I might not get back in.

I'm glad you mentioned inclusivity there, Simon,

because, well, I don't know about you, Millie,

but I, like you...

I like you, too! OK.

I, like you, am a woman,

and as a woman, I noticed a lot of phallic produce

on the way into the store this evening.

Your bananas, your bratwursts, your aubergines.

I mean, Simon, come on, what are we doing here?

HE LAUGHS I-I'm completely lost.

Well, you know, as a trans-gentrified individual,

I was born with a penis that I didn't ask for.

Do you really think a woman like me

wants to be reminded of that all bloody night long?

No, I don't.

Hmm, OK, so... HE CHUCKLES

..what I think you're saying is,

I should remove everything from the store that looks like a penis?

Man's a genius.

Yes. Yes, I am, Miss Pussy. MILLIE GIGGLES

Liv, as your supervisor,

I forbid you to quit on the first night.

I simply forbid it.

Oh, stand back, everyone, he's got a little plastic name badge.

Tom, why didn't you tell me I was a prop?

The only reason they're offering me this job

is cos they're obviously going through some sort of PR shitstorm,

and Simon wants to wheel me out like a prized transgender ham.

Look, just give it a chance, OK?

Sixty-five weeks from now, when you've saved up for your GRS,

you can shove your shiny new vagina in my face.

That... came out wrong.

What you said to Simon about the male-dominated workspace

was so inspiring.

I look up to you so much.

OK, probably gonna leave that one alone.

Uh, Liv, this is Millie.

You two have already met, obviously. Erm, Linda. Olivia.

So, you're a woman. You should see me park a car.

Linda, Olivia is just as hard-working,

responsible, and deserving to be here as anyone else.

LIV CHUCKLES No, I'm not.

I've already had my hours cut this month,

and now I've got to make room for you.

I'm sick of you lot shoving your PC-ness down our throats.

Well, it's pronounced "penis", but she's got a point, Thomas.

I mean, how much more bloody diverse does this place wanna be?

We look like the set-up to a joke

that would get you uninvited to Christmas dinner.

Sorry, ladies, I just need to quickly go...

Liv, please, I'm asking you as a friend.

Simon's my boss, and this is an opportunity to impress him.

Plus, you said if you got offered a job, you'd take it.

Please don't quit.

LIV EXHALES Fine.

Thank you.

But I can't help if I get fired.

Wait, what? W-W-Why would you get fired?

Spoken like a man with zero imagination.

Liv, you won't get fired if you follow the rules.

Olivia...

look me in the eye and promise me you're going to follow the rules.

Let the games begin.

CROWD CHANTING

CHANTING CONTINUES OUTSIDE

Ha!

Oh, for f...

"Rule one -

"employees are encouraged to be proactive

"when it comes to replenishing stock."

TOM SIGHS

Oh, for... Grr! HE EXHALES

"Rule 21 - staff doors must remain closed at all times."

SIGHS

GRUNTS, WHIMPERS

"If you see something obstructing an aisle, remove it immediately."

Oh, would you look at that?

A for effort, Liv, but you're in my world now.

And I've got eyes in the back of my head.

Oh! You are sucking all the fun out of this game.

What game? At what point did I...?

Hold that thought.

You weren't thinking about throwing these all away, were you?

No, God, no. No, no, no.

What, er...? What would you suggest we do with them?

Well, I mean...

it's not enough to simply throw all the phalluses away, Simon.

You must publicly destroy them in front of the naysayers,

prove to the world how Pellocks feels

about transgender women.

To think I was gonna donate all this

to a homeless shelter like an idiot. HE CHUCKLES

While I've got you, there are some bath bombs in the toiletry section

that look an awful lot like testicles.

I'm so sorry. Beefy, change of plan!

Come on.

Will you make up your bloody mind?

You were saying? At what point did I give you the impression

that your employment here is a life-size game of Mouse Trap?

When you told me I couldn't get fired if I followed the rules.

Excellent premise. Challenge accepted.

Why are you so annoyed by the situation?

Cos I didn't even want you here!

This is where I come to escape your insanity.

But Pellocks needed a transgender woman,

and, lo and behold, there was one mooching on my sofa.

This is a job, Olivia.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

CLAMOURING Guys! Guy... People, please!

If you just watch the demonstration,

I wish to make Pellocks' position

on transgender women very clear.

Very clear.

CROWD HUSHES, HE SNIFFS

Bah!

Huh?

CLAMOURING Trans rights!

Please! Stop. Stop.

Please, please, stop shouting.

Grr!

Peoples! Thems! I don't know!

I'm trying to be inclusive. Just...

OK.

A willy!

We want a say! We want trans rights!

I don't know what you want! I don't know...

Grr! Come on!

ALARM RINGS

Ah...

Fuck! Oof!

What? Oh, my God!

Beefy, deploy!

Oh, no.

EXPLOSION

ELECTRICAL BUZZING

Agh!

CHANTING CONTINUES OUTSIDE

So, you... you settling in all right?

Good.

You know, that little stunt you pulled with the fire alarm,

it's... it's a sackable offence.

I know, right? It's like, "Knock, knock."

"Who's there?" "Being responsible."

"Not today, thanks very much."

Enough. Enough, all right? Erm...

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

I'm really sorry to have to say this, but...

I'm afraid you're fired, Thomas.

Thomas? What?! Yeah, what?!

Well, you are Liv's supervisor.

Simon, I...

Fine.

Sit down, Thomas.

Simon, let me tell you what I think's going on here.

You've got yourself a vag-load

of bloodthirsty trans rights activists on your doorstep.

And no matter what I do,

the last thing you can do right now is fire a transgender employee.

But here's the thing - the only thing worse than firing me

would be if I quit.

Amidst, I don't know,

accusations of a discriminatory work environment.

You wouldn't do that to me.

Tom stays, or I quit.

Loudly and proudly.

Whoa.

DOOR SLAMS

Liv, you in there? Yes, Thomas.

Despite the objections of the right-wing press,

I am, in fact, in the ladies' bathroom.

HE CHUCKLES WEAKLY Wow.

Look, er... you didn't need to do that for me.

And, obviously, that is just a saying - you definitely did.

Morally, ethically, entirely your fault, but...

still, thanks.

Er...

And I understand if you want to leave, I do, but I...

It's important for you to know that I-I'd like...

I'd like for you to stay.

Thomas...

why would I leave?

This is the most fun I've had in months.

Apparently, I can do anything I like,

I'm never gonna get fired.

The buffet is amazing.

Again, not a buffet. Those are products. Er...

I think you're probably misunderstanding what I mean

by "stocktake". Plus, you know...

..all my favourite people are here, so...

Yeah.

'The protesters are breaching the building.

'I repeat, the protesters are breaching the building!'

Do you wanna...? Sort it out?

Yeah. Yeah, all right, fine.

Yeah. Cool.

S-Sorted. CHUCKLES WEAKLY

I'll stay here.

And linger in the women's...

I probably shouldn't linger in the women's toilet. I'll...

CLAMOURING Hold fast!

To me, my X-Men!

CREAKING

Not today!

Our turn, Beefy! Get back!

Simon! Please, be reasonable!

I fully support the transgender community.

Sometimes I even pop a bit of chamomile into my own bath.

It's true, I've seen him do it. What? What are...? What?

WHISTLING

SHUSHING

FEEDBACK WHINES

When I told my dad I was becoming a woman,

he looked me up and down,

and he said that I could never pull it off.

I said, "I'd probably get a doctor to do that bit, Father.

"I imagine it's quite a complicated procedure."

Everybody's got opinions.

But opinions are like arseholes.

Worth exploring.

Pellocks may have shat the bed,

but it's time we cleaned up our mess.

I made a change,

and if you'll give us a chance, Pellocks can change, too...

..for the better.

CHEERING

Our new transgender employee, Olivia, everyone.

I'd say give her a big hand,

but I think she's already got two, am I right?

LAUGHS WEAKLY Just clap, clap.

Clap, please. FEEDBACK WHINES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Hallelujah!

# Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

# Hallelujah... #

And starting tonight, we're launching

our very own in-store fundraiser

to help pay for Olivia's gender reassignment surgery.

Come again?

So join us in saying goodbye to her unwanted penis,

and hello to a brighter future together.

Woohoo!

What the fuck is that?

Oh, shit.

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com