Original subtitles

CLEARS THROAT

EXHALES

SOFTLY: I'm shaking.

Tonight, on New Year's Eve,

we honour a very special member of the Pellocks family.

Although her physical body is gone forever...

..her spirit lives on.

It brings me great sadness to say this, but...

..due to complications following her surgery,

our friend Olivia won't be joining us tonight.

She is risen.

Oh, for...

Thank God. When you said you were still recovering from the thing,

I didn't think you were gonna make it.

Yeah, well, I wasn't gonna miss my own special night, was I?

Boop. Oh.

SIMON GROANS, SNEEZES

Cutting it a bit fine.

Funny, that's exactly what I said to my surgeon. Boom.

TOM CHUCKLES How's the new fanny, Liv?

I can't imagine what it must suddenly be like

to not have a penis. Never change, Millie.

I thought this was her funeral.

What did you think the Champagne was for?

Terrifying. SIMON CLEARS THROAT

In 15 minutes,

after months of fundraising,

the biggest donors towards Liv's gender reassignment surgery

will come thundering through those doors

for a black-tie gala event

that's gonna blow their socks off.

But wait!

It's not all going to be stuffy formality.

FORCED CHUCKLE

TOM AND MILLIE LAUGH Oh, no.

It wouldn't be a New Year's Eve

without a few fireworks now, would it? Hm?

And you know what?

I got us a few fireworks.

Just as Olivia's surgeons corrected God's mistake,

so, too, must we reverse our own mistakes of the last year.

Not only is tonight a chance to celebrate

our freshly hole-punched friend...

"Point at..." Er, friend.

..but also to win back the public's trust.

This...

This speech is stupid.

It's our last chance to save the store.

So, what the hey?

Join me in a toast.

We are Pellocks.

ALL: We are Pellocks.

Eurgh.

Imagine if you'd known when you started working here

that all these months later,

your shiny new vagina would swoop in and save the store.

CHUCKLES: Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't get the surgery.

What?!

Well, I had to tell somebody, didn't I!?

I'm carrying this extra weight around.

Well, clearly! Why didn't you tell me you didn't get the surgery?

I thought the money could be put to better use

on a holy pilgrimage to the land of my people.

What does that even mean?

I went to Thailand for a month.

Liv, what you're describing is charity fraud!

Right. There's a roomful of donors coming tonight

that have paid for your surgery.

Why did you have to do this tonight? It was all going so well!

I was gonna kiss Millie at midnight. OK, Thomas, Thomas. Calm down.

OK? Everything's gonna be fine.

You're gonna get your kiss. I'll get celebrated by everybody.

Nobody's gonna find out about this situation.

TOM SIGHS

Just... stay...

..very... still.

BEEFY SIGHS

Oh, no. Surely, you can't be serious.

I am serious. But thanks for calling me Shirley.

It's not my name, but still very progressive of you. Why...

in the name of Moses and his bougie little wicker basket,

did you have to tell him?

All of this could've neatly disappeared.

Yeah, well, so could a lot of things.

Oh! I'm sorry, Thomas,

if I didn't let some quack prune me like a bonsai tree!

I had to cover your medical leave.

I missed the birth of my own son.

Look, in fairness, admittedly not my finest hour,

but can we please remember that tonight is all about me?

No! Tonight is about me, you Tim Burton toilet brush!

This was my last chance to turn everything round!

Your new vaj was meant to lift the curse of the ladyboy billboard!

None of this was my idea.

I didn't ask for a fundraiser. What do you even mean!?

The only reason you work here is, you told me you couldn't afford rent

because you were saving up for your surgery.

Newsflash, Thomas. I lied!

I lie about things! It is a core part of my character.

But I get away with it

because I've got a charming accent and a silly little haircut!

Oh, great. I mean, I thought I was your best friend,

but turns out, I'm one of your little Sims

to stick in a swimming pool and delete the ladder.

It's good to know. Thanks. Shush, everyone!

I-I need time to think!

EXHALES

OK, look, we are the only ones who know, w-which is good.

We just have to keep it a secret from the other guests.

Now, normally, I'd say that wouldn't be too hard, but you'd...

you'd probably make some joke about arousal, wouldn't you?

I would 100% do that. He's not wrong.

You're a ticking time bomb. SIGHS

OK, all right.

EXHALES DEEPLY We just...

We just have to come together tonight, all right?

Keep the other guests distracted

and stop Olivia's foul secret from getting out.

Yeah, whatever.

MILLIE: Welcome.

Welcome. Ooh! Hello.

The roads are so icy out there, it's a wonder anyone made it here at all.

Nice coat.

Hey, this is all right, isn't it?

We're not deceiving anyone, are we? I mean, we're just selling them

a comforting fiction like Father Christmas.

Oh, I'm just gonna push that one down and deal with it later.

How we looking on the seven-layer dip?

Technically, it is just mayonnaise, but the ingredients separate

if you leave it out overnight under a lamp.

Lies upon lies.

Er, are we expecting your ex-wife tonight?

I doubt it. Not sure why she'd drag her cold reptilian carcass...

Simon. ..out of the warmth of our former marital home.

Hello, Simon. Hello, darling. Ah.

HE CLEARS THROAT Good of you to come.

But, of course, with you here,

what's Batman gonna use to perch atop the Gotham City skyline?

MILLIE CHUCKLES Ooh, ouch.

Come on, darling, we both work for the company.

Let's keep things civil.

FREIDA CLICKS FINGERS

Don't you fucking dare. Sorry.

Thank you.

Well, well, well... this is what it's come to, has it?

We're throwing gender reveal parties for 30-year-olds.

Oh, I've been to one of those. MILLIE CHUCKLES

So much fun with the, erm...

exploding paint and the music and the three bald men.

No, no, no, I'm thinking of the Blue Man Group.

Blue Man Group.

You all right, Simon? You seem a little nervous.

I'm... I'm all right. You all right?

BEEFY CHORTLING

Wow. What a successful and impressive gala.

So sorry I'm late.

I've just been admiring Olivia's new vagina, which definitely exists.

What are you doing?

Distracting the guests, like you said. Jesus Christ.

Have we met before?

No, no. But I get that a lot... from racists.

I am Madame Ja-Ja Sweet Chilli Montague,

and I am a wealthy widow and philanthropist.

Well, thank you for coming all the way from Monaco, Ja-Ja.

Simon and I are lovers.

Excuse me? And he is just as impressive

in the boardroom as he is in the bedroom.

Mmm. "Cham-pag-na."

BOTH CHUCKLE

Hey, Millie.

Thomas. Hey.

Hi.

Listen, I-I just wanted to say that I'm... I'm... I'm a huge fan of you.

Thank you. As a colleague.

But also as a woman.

So, well, I-I'd consider it a huge professional courtesy

if you could, er, maybe find a window in your itinerary

this evening for... for a kiss.

Ooh. Erm, specifically at midnight.

Specifically with me. HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

Erm...

15 seconds tops, and I'll... I'll be out of your hair.

One sec. Get in!

Bless you. Thank you.

SHE CHUCKLES

Better make it 45 seconds to leave room for spillage.

Yeah. Talk to me about breath freshener.

Breath freshener? Mm-hm.

I mean, I could offer you spearmint, peppermint

or a house blend of the two?

Oh, a house blend. I will see you at midnight.

Great. Thomas? Yeah?

Don't be late. No.

I like my men like I like my coffee.

I'm not waiting more than a minute for it to show up.

BOTH LAUGH Yeah.

I won't be because, erm...

well, I like my women like I like my lattes.

Uh-huh. As evidenced by the residual froth on my upper lip.

I take that back.

Don't be late. Don't be late. Yeah. OK. See you.

SOFTLY: Goodbye, Thomas. Goodbye.

Ooh, Mummy!

EXHALES

CHATTERING

Oh, you're having a fucking laugh!

Ah!

Oh, my God.

Well done, old friend. Well done.

DOOR OPENS

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just taking the new vaj for a spin.

Just... Just having a classic female wee down here.

You crack on, chica.

Don't mind me.

Piece of shit!

LIGHTER CLATTERS Fucking freezing out here.

Do you know, I cannot for the life of me

figure out why anyone would choose to be a woman.

Well, you know how it is.

One day, you're watching Tidying Up With Marie Kondo naked,

and you think, "This thing in my hand

"just doesn't spark joy any more."

A woman gets divorced, she's a "money-grabbing harpy".

A man gets divorced, it's like, "On to the next trophy wife!"

I did not expect him to move on so quickly.

I've got to say, if I was born with a dick,

I would be getting it insured.

Everything all right?

Yep. Yep. Just... Do you know what it is?

I think I'm just getting used to my new urethra,

which, as we both know,

is located between the clitoris and the vaginal opening,

both of which I definitely possess.

Yeah, good talk.

SIGHS My God.

GRUNTING

OK...

CHATTERING

Ten minutes to midnight. Are you nervous?

Nah. It's just a kiss, isn't it?

Yeah. It's not like I'm proposing.

Although I am gonna need you to get down on one knee.

PHONE BUZZING Sorry.

Liv? Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.

What's stuck to the ice?!

Just... One sec.

I'm just saying, if you had a hole down there,

the ice wouldn't be such a problem.

Tell that to the passengers of the Titanic.

Tom. Tom, look at me. This is not my fault.

Have you never got your tongue stuck to a frosty lamp post before?

If you're asking me if I had

a childhood of whimsical curiosity, then, yes, I did have.

Now, picture my testes in place of your tongue.

No, thank you. You're gonna have to pull me up.

Do you know what, Liv? No.

It's nearly midnight. I'm about to kiss the girl of my dreams.

You lied about saving for your surgery.

Consider this all your chickens coming home to roost.

How is that a bad thing? Tell that to a chicken farmer!

Tom!

Please. TOM SIGHS

You are the only person in the world that would ever give me

the benefit of the doubt after this many fuck-ups.

Maybe I don't deserve another chance.

But if anyone was ever gonna give me one...

BOTH CHUCKLING

LIV SCREAMING Shush! Shush! Shush!

ALL: Ten, nine...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait!

Wait. Wait.

OK, go. LIV GROANS

..eight, seven...

LIV BREATHING DEEPLY

Oh! This is exactly the same as having a baby!

..six, five,

four, three...

Two, one...

LIV SCREAMING

SCREAMING CONTINUES

Hello.

# For auld lang syne, my dear

# For auld lang syne

# We'll take a cup of kindness yet

# For auld lang syne... # FREIDA LAUGHING

SOBBING

TOM EXHALES

Oh, good, she's alive.

MILLIE: I brought you some ice.

Good one.

How long was I out? 20 minutes.

Everyone's out on the shop floor, the donors are going mad.

GROANING: Oh.

Sounds like we're gonna lose the store.

Oh, fuck!

LIV GRUNTS

Oh! HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAK

Why did you have to lie about wanting to get the surgery?

None of this would've happened

if you just hadn't lied about the bloody surgery, Liv.

It wasn't a lie, Thomas. I just hadn't fully decided yet.

Every transgender woman imagines life with a minge.

I don't know if there's a pair of butcher's flaps in my future,

but that is my decision, not yours.

I understand you now.

It's exhausting pretending to be something that you're not.

Beefy. We've been over this, Liv isn't pretending to be a woman.

I'm talking about all the years that she spent pretending to be a man.

Nobody should have to change who they are

just to make other people happy.

I'm going out there. You can't. They'll eat you alive.

Plus, a billion painkillers are about to kick in.

I feel fine.

This is our last chance to make everything right.

Somebody get me a microphone...

and a Pellocks uniform.

OUTRAGED CHATTER

You thought about installing a bidet in your front porch?

Cos the amount of shits you take on your own doorstep is staggering.

You can have the car in the divorce.

Take the Chesterfield.

You can even have half the cat,

but p-please don't take Pellocks away from me.

Oh, this is about much more

than the hindquarters of a British shorthair, Simon.

This is about erasing you from my existence.

WHEELS CLATTERING

Liv, you've taken too many painkillers.

LIV GRUNTS CROWD: Shh, shh!

MAN: Look, look! They're gonna say something here.

What have you got to say for yourself?

What is a woman?

Somebody with a vagina! One guy's opinion.

I'm not here to define a "woman" or a "man".

But I will define a "manager".

Simon Heimann may run this place like a game of Kerplunk.

And if you look closely enough tonight,

his pocket square may turn out to be a slice of wafer-thin ham.

But he's a good man.

I'm the reason this place is filled with chaos,

even if I do do it with the debonair lovability of a cartoon cat.

I take advantage of my friendships.

I cause hard-working people to get overlooked.

I monopolise my best friend's time so nobody else can get a look-in.

I have taken many lovers.

If you must punish somebody don't punish these people, punish me.

But before you do, there's something I need to say.

# Gather round and let me sing you

# The transgender blues

# The world's on fucking fire

# And yet We're still front-page news

# When this One-girl sausage festival

# Came rolling into town

# You put me on this pedestal

# Now I'm never coming

# Down!

# Don't let my penis Come between us

# Born on Mars Now I live on Venus

# Dick for brains? Then I'm a genius

# There's a chance I might be Jesus

# And when the day is done

# My tits will outlive everyone I said

# I'm taking over the world And I will represent

# Both the boys And the girls in equal measurement

# Kamala's grace, Gaddafi's panache

# What better leader than a woman Who can grow a moustache?

# If you don't like me Say it to my face

# I've got an extra leg

# I'm gonna win this race It's not a lot to ask

# For you to call me Mrs

# We wouldn't be here if my mum Had let me run with scissors

# And I'm sorry

# That that the queue Outside the ladies' loo

# Keeps getting longer

# But we are stronger together

# Like birds of a feather

# And if it's time for me to fly

# Then please, before I go

# Give me one last chance To drop my pants

# So I can piss my name Into the snow! #

VOCALISING

Aaaaaahhhhh.

Aaaaaah.

Well, that went well.

CROWD CLAMOURING

We just want our money back.

CROWD: Boo! Boo!

Enough. Enough. That's enough, OK?

CHUCKLING

Hey, hello. Hello, yeah, yes. Yeah. I hear you. I hear you.

Just... Just hear... Just hear me out, O-OK?

We just want our money back, Simon, shut up!

You will. You will get your money back.

You... You will get your money back, I-I-I promise.

Because... if you allow the store to remain open

in order to repay her debt,

erm, Olivia will be locked into

a 50-hour-per-week minimum wage contract

until the day she dies.

Thank... Thank you. Thank you.

And in one final validation of her womanhood,

her wages will be docked an additional 9% in accordance

with the gender pay gap. CROWD CHEERING

Woohoo!

#CompetentManagement.

#HappyNewYear!

CHEERING

Whoo!

Jesus Christ.

Miss Fast, we have you scheduled in

for an emergency genital reconstruction.

Oh, the irony.

Whoa. Are you sure you should be drinking in your condition?

Tell you what, why don't you start a charity fundraiser

to have this bottle removed from my hand?

Fair point.

TOM SIGHS I'm sorry I let things go too far.

That's OK.

I'm sorry you didn't get your kiss at midnight.

That's OK.

TOM SIGHS

Plenty of other socially mandatory kisses on the calendar.

Mistletoe at Christmas.

Rehearsing a play... I...

TOM SIGHS

Happy New Year, Thomas.

Thanks.

But you're really, really not my type.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Because between my top half and my bottom half,

I like to think I've got a little something for everyone.

Ha! No. TOM CHUCKLES

Oh, for f...! I told you!

Playful punches are for girls with smaller hands.

LIV CHUCKLES # We'll take a cup of kindness yet

# For the sake of auld lang syne. #

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