Original subtitles

HINGES SQUEAK

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

Ah. Will not fit.

S-Sorry, do you mind if I...? Sorry.

Sorry, I think I might have... touched your willy.

Oh. Hey!

Hey. Thomas, nice of you to join us.

Yeah.

I trust, er... she won't be?

No, I, er, I dropped her off at the store myself.

I told her I had a hot date.

But considering that you have asked me to lie

to my best friend, I'd quite like to know what all this is about.

Yeah, if this is a Hunger Games type situation,

I'm gonna need five minutes to limber up.

Well, whatever this is, I think it's nice.

We never go out for drinks all together.

Oh, I know. Let's play Shag, Marry, Kill.

OK, I'll go first. Don't slut-shame me, Simon.

Erm, I'd marry the yellow M&M, kill the red M&M,

and probably shag a... shag a Minstrel!

SHE LAUGHS

Why don't you just have a half pint next time?

Actually, Simon, in this context, Pellocks' anti-discrimination policy

would advise that you avoid phrases like "half"

or "half pint" or "pint size",

given the obvious reference to Millie's stature.

Exactly. SHE SCOFFS

Wait, what?

Members of the Pellocks family,

I would like to introduce to you my...

..my wife. Oh!

Mrs Freida Heimann, who works as an HR rep.

Wrong on both counts, as usual.

I am head of HR, and it's "Ms" Freida Heimann.

We're separated. I-I find it hard to... to let go.

Well, you let yourself go pretty hard, so...

Well, yeah, I can still change. Yeah.

I can still change. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. # I can still change. #

But you'll always be a pain in my arse, and not in a good way.

SHE LAUGHS WEAKLY

This guy, not exactly the adventurous type.

This chick knows what I mean.

Sorry, many of you have raised, er, concerns

following the, erm, hiring and subsequent behaviour

of a certain number of staff

who legally we can't name.

It-It's Olivia.

Erm, what the mother of my child is here to do,

is to listen to your concerns

so that Pellocks can make a fair assessment

over the continued employment of Olivia at the branch.

Wait, what?!

Actually, it's not quite that simple.

Given Olivia's transgender situation...

Shh.

..Pellocks would like to minimise any potential blowback

by determining whether Olivia is in fact the issue

or whether her behaviour is a symptom of a much larger problem

with the way the store is being managed.

Hang on, the way the store's being managed?

But I'm the manager of the store. HE CHUCKLES

Well, maybe you should just take this up with your HR representative.

Oh, wait, that's me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes, yes, poor man's Macaulay Culkin?

Oh, thank you. "Enchante," as the French say.

I'm obviously not French, erm, just a little bit familiar

with the parlance, which is French as well, actually.

Hey, keep it in your pants, yeah. Yeah, sorry.

I was just gonna say that, you know,

if we're gonna be putting Livs on trial,

then I think she should face her accusers,

and I vote that we do that back in the store.

I absolutely agree. Yeah?

I mean, that is a very managerial observation, Thomas.

Oh. HE CHUCKLES

Merci beauc... Thanks. You banging my wife, pretty boy?

I'm not! It's just rapport.

You jucking dat ting?! Ahem.

Could I ask why I've had to leave our daughter with a baby-sitter

because you chose to host this HR - HR! - round table in a pub

in the middle of the night?

Let me call a time.

Erm, what's happened is a lot of my night-shifters

tend to sleep through the day, so...

I like drifting off to the majesty of morning birdsong.

Yeah.

Look, even if this wasn't a total miscarriage

of Liv's employee rights,

she's gonna get bored and act out if we leave her too long on her own,

let alone if she gets wet and eats after midnight (!)

It's fine.

How much trouble can she possibly get into on her own?

HE CHUCKLES

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes!

Oh!

Can't believe that only took nine boxes of eggs.

THROUGH MEGAPHONE: Drop the milk chocolate

and take three steps back.

Now take two steps to the right and grab the caramel nut instead,

because it is the far superior chocolate bar.

LIV SIGHS

Pro tip... if you're gonna rob a supermarket,

get in and get out before we lock up for the night.

My dad owns this store. I'll tell him to fire you.

Oh, shit, you're Simon's kid.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't realise.

Oh, wait, I just realised that threat means nothing to me

because your father is a spineless yoghurt man.

So, what, you're gonna hold me hostage?

Trust me, that's not a situation any transgender woman

wants to find herself in.

Do you know what they do to women like me in prison?

Nothing, because they're too busy trying to figure out

which prison to put me in.

Either way, your dad and everybody else left me

on my own all night and buggered off,

and I don't feel like baby-sitting you till he gets back.

DENIM SIGHS

And what if I decide that I'm not gonna leave?

And there's five more bags where that came from,

which is actually a pretty good saving, if you ask me.

Fine.

DOORS WHIRR

What's a 12-year-old doing robbing a supermarket?

What's a 40-year-old doing working at one?

How do you know I'm not 25? How do you know I'm not 104?

Call your dad.

My parents are getting divorced. I live with my mum.

So call your mum.

There. I've sent her a WhatsApp.

Great. I'll go make us a ham sandwich.

Oh, God, you sound just like my dad.

A little bit transphobic.

He spent all his money on divorce lawyers.

I see him once a week for dinner,

and he reckons that the ham sandwich is the delicacy of the divorcee.

OK.

When I was, like, nine, ten years old,

I had a shiny Charizard Pokemon card.

And I loved it so much.

It was my favourite thing in the world, and I lost it,

and it broke my little heart.

And I know that's not exactly what you're going through,

but what you were talking about was so boring.

DENIM SCOFFS

You have access to an entire supermarket,

and you just offered me some ham between two slices of bread.

What do you have in mind?

Have you ever made an "everything sandwich"?

Who here has been negatively impacted by Olivia's actions?

Two. Good, good.

Who here thinks that the management style at this store

leaves something to be desired?

Yeah, yeah. Millie, why don't you explain to everyone

just how Olivia has terrorised your work life.

Well, I mean...

MILLIE SCREAMS Oh! Millie!

MILLIE SCREAMS

Ooh.

ALARM BELL RINGS

I'm sure we've all got a million little quickfire memories like that,

but it feels cheap to do everybody's one by one just to pad out the time.

Linda, how about you? Everyone calls me Beefy.

Once again, that is a prime example of body shaming.

Linda should not be subjected to nicknames like "Beefy"

just because her upper torso

is a little stockier than the average woman.

Let me just... I've got this one. Erm...

We actually call her Beefy because she works on the meat counter.

Don't we, Big Beef?

Linda, it says here you requested a medical assessment in March

and Simon denied you that time off.

Doctor says I might be hyperactive.

And yet on the very same day,

Olivia asked Simon if she could leave early

for an ultrasound appointment to, quote,

"find out the sex of her baby",

despite the fact that Olivia is a transgender woman.

In my defence, er, Olivia did later explain to me

that she liked the feeling of the jelly on her... belly.

Where is Thomas?

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY He's been gone a while, hasn't he?

RINGING TONE Come on, come on, come on.

HE SIGHS Liv, pick up, you Babadook.

HE EXHALES

OK, now, with structural integrity in mind,

I think we have to make a decision now whether each colour

of wine gum counts as its own layer of sandwich.

Didn't realise we were building a monument to compromise?

It's an "everything sandwich". You know, the clue's in the name?

Of course each colour gets its own layer.

Say no more.

My mum and dad would never make time to do this with me.

Dad might if Mum would let him.

I just wish he'd stand up for himself sometimes.

Yeah. Bet you've got loads of kids by now.

I'm 30! I'm not the old woman that lived in a shoe!

Have you thought about having them? Well, I did freeze my sperm once.

But then my flatmate told me to take it out to make room for oven chips.

Selfish.

Oven chips - completely forgot about the oven chips.

RINGING TONE

'Leave a message after the beep, or do what you like, I'm not your mum.'

BEEP Liv, call me back.

Pellocks have brought in a ringer to figure out how to fire you.

Simon's on the ropes, and for once,

I don't think your charming cockney shtick is gonna save you.

FREIDA: Girlfriend? Oh, Ms Heimann.

I-I-I was just, er... I was talking to my dead dog, who died.

Oh. Real, real sad stuff.

Aw. Listen, Dr Doolittle.

What if I told you there was a way to protect your friend

and give you a leg up on the corporate ladder?

Oh, well, I mean, I'd probably say, "Tell me more".

Not in an aggressive way.

I'd obviously ask you to continue explaining. Shh.

Look, I'm not gonna be the head of HR

that fires a transgender employee.

No. God, no. I mean, that's like popping a balloon full of piss!

Eurgh. But neither can I be seen advocating

for the termination of my soon-to-be ex-husband. Hmm.

But one strongly-worded letter of condemnation from the... Oh.

..assistant manager of the branch,

now that - that is a different story.

Yeah, but...

WHISPERING: You're a leader. Am I?

Yeah. With Simon out the picture, you could run the store

and keep Olivia under control.

Yeah. You get the manager's chair.

I get that snivelling cock waffle of a husband out of my life.

Change of plan. Oh!

You were right, Thomas.

Since it seems my wife is hell-bent on poisoning my staff against me,

I think we could all do with a little refresher...

as to how much of a nightmare Olivia can be in person, yeah?

Yeah.

Yes, thanks for coming. Copy that.

Hmm. Yeah.

SIMON WHISTLES Just go with him, nice to chat...

Heel!

Sorry about that, it's just my dog died.

Shut it.

This is fun.

I don't think I've had a conversation this long

with either of my parents in, like, a year.

I miss my dad.

OK, what's one thing that you wish

that you could talk to your parents about?

Ignore my haircut - I'm actually really smart.

What do you know about tampons?

Don't let boys pressure you into not using them.

Boom, parental advice. I think that's condoms.

Yeah, here's the interesting thing...

you never actually texted your mum.

They've done studies on separating Gen Alphas from their phones.

One man even lost a finger, so I suggest you give it back.

Oh, no, what are you gonna do, Fortnite me to death?

Why didn't you text her?

I didn't wanna go home to an empty house.

Everything's changed since the D word.

Oh, OK.

You mean "divorce"? Yes.

Yeah, oh, good. Just check... cos, yeah.

Do you think it's too late for them to change their minds?

Trust me. Really never too late to change anything.

BANGING

Is that someone trying to break in? What do we do?

Well, that depends.

Are you familiar with the charming little early '90s Christmas classic

by the name of Home Alone?

SIMON: Ah! Ah, my fucking foot!

SIMON GROANS That usually does it.

These old bloody doors are tricky.

I've heard they sometimes open if you remember

to bring the fucking key!

So, Thomas, you thought any more about stepping into Simon's shoes?

Imagine. Me and you.

"Oh, Mr Rice, office romance with a colleague.

"I'll have to flag that up to your HR representative.

"Oh, wait, that's me. Carry on." Click.

THOMAS CHUCKLES Yeah...

Simon, I could pop round and see if there's a way in through the back.

Ooh, don't threaten me with a good time.

THOMAS CHUCKLES Get your own man, you lanky prick.

Actually, as branch manager, I say we go in through the front.

I appreciate that's not as trendy these days,

but, er, there is a time and a place for back-door shenanigans,

and that's once a month during your lady time,

and perhaps on your birthday.

What are you gonna do, Thomas?

Prob-Probably the front door option.

SIMON GRUNTS, GROANS

SIMON STRAINS

Yay.

THOMAS: So strong. SIMON: Get in.

Yeah, all right.

Well, well, well.

Now I can see why he didn't want to have the meeting here.

Although, I can't say I'm surprised.

What else would you expect from a store managed

by a spineless, snivelling, soul-sucking,

uncultured, flatulent,

real-world inspiration for Mr Potato Head?

What are you all staring at?

Oh.

Well, well, well.

It's safe to say that this is the biggest HR clusterfuck

since Judas Iscariot walked up to Jesus after the Last Supper

and planted a big old wet one on his cheek.

You are supposed to be at home with the baby-sitter!

What's the point in you getting custody if you're never home?

You will not belittle me within the walls of a Pellocks supermarket!

Maybe in a Pellocks Express or one of them silly little ones

in the petrol stations, but never in a full-size unit!

How could you trust our daughter in the care of this lunatic?

OK. All right. Let's just have a breath, shall we?

Look, I know Liv's not perfect, but, er...

if we had been burglars, she kept our daughter safe.

You know, she's certainly not Florence Nightingale, but...

Olivia is a good person.

Yeah! I mean, no, obviously,

I'm a terrible human being, but let the man finish.

Shh!

I think, er...

deputy manager Thomas has something he'd like to share.

Tell them what you told me earlier

about Simon not being fit to run this store.

Just do what you gotta do, huh?

You know what, Freida, no. No!

Simon's my boss, and where he goes, I follow.

Stand down, Thomas. Yes, sir.

You stupid, blonde bitch.

Bitch?! You'll throw away the opportunity of a lifetime

for this sackless testicle with library-card debts.

Shush. I've had enough.

I can take you belittling my vocation.

I can even take you massively downplaying my...

sexual prowess. SHE SCOFFS

I can even take you sniffing around my deputy manager's ding-dong

like a protein-deficient coyote.

But what I can't stand is you questioning the loyalty of my team.

Yes, I've made some mistakes. I've made some big bloody mistakes.

SHE SIGHS Look at them.

Hey, you're the biggest mistake I ever fucking made.

Thank you very much. But you know what?

When you start a family, you stick with it.

And I have already lost one family, and I am not gonna lose another one.

SHE SIGHS So...

..here's my idea.

Seeing as you're such a fan of back-door intimacy,

why don't you take a hedgehog, stick it inside another hedgehog,

then take that second bewildered hedgehog

and shove it up your slack, dusty arsehole?

GASPING

Denim...

go and wait in the Kia Picanto.

I'm sorry you heard that about Mummy Bear's baggy bum hole.

Go.

Well, I hope you're very happy together,

you and your brain-dead little family of shop-damaged kumquats.

And do you know what? So what?

So whaaaaat!

If I did want to grind out a little sexual frustration

with this random six out of ten.

Happy to be in the mix. Alcoholic.

Dead eyes of a shark.

Doormat!

Adam's apple like a boxing glove.

Minge tease!

To be fair, that last bit could have been a lot more offensive.

LIV: Well, it's not like you don't deserve it.

What you lot did tonight...

..meeting about me behind my back.

I thought we were a family?

What sort of family turns on one of their own?

I don't know how I'm supposed to look at any of you

the same way ever again.

CHANTING: Liv! Liv! Liv!

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

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