Original subtitles

THUNDERCLAP

Tom! Tom!

TOM ON RADIO: 'Simon, come as soon as you can! It's bad!'

Man in the toilet!

Oh, God, no. Oh!

PANTING

Is that Olivia?

Yeah, I mean, we're still trying to figure that one out.

DOOR CREAKS

Evening, chicos.

What are you both doing in the ladies?

It's not... It... It's...

RETCHING

Millie. Millie! Millie!

Liv, no, no, you... you shouldn't be in here, so let's...

Little bit transphobic. Move out of my way.

Tom. Tom, just move, just move.

It's... She's got a right to see it.

MIKE: Liv, are you sure we're not gonna get caught?

It's my first week. I don't wanna lose my position.

LIV: Speaking of positions. UNZIPS

Oh, my G... Oh, God!

THUNDER RUMBLES

Sorry, me and the new boy, Mike, were making babies in the warehouse.

What have I missed?

Sex education, apparently.

Liv, I'm gonna need that condom back.

It's the only one I've got.

Keep walking, Mike. OK. Sorry.

You don't seem too concerned

about the whole hate crime in the bathroom thing.

Oh, you call that a hate crime? Sorry.

Sorry, should we talk about these fugly-arse posters of me

all over the store? Look, if Pellocks wants to fundraise

for your new vagina, I don't see why you're complaining.

I'm sure Mike could do with a bit more variety down there.

It ain't about the fundraiser, Thomas.

It's that you and Simon put these posters up

without consulting me.

I'm getting a little bit sick of being ignored.

So before you spin off into your own little private episode

of CSI Pellocks to catch the graffiti bandit this evening,

it might behove you to ask my opinion for a change.

Hello. Hello. CLEARS THROAT

At 2200 hours tonight,

transphobic graffiti was found in the women's toilets.

Now, I can only assume that this vile display was aimed

at our new employee, Olivia.

We're sorry. Pellocks is sorry,

from the tippity-top, big Jim Pellock himself,

all the way to the lowliest shit-shoveller, Millie.

I'm not saying definitely check Beefy Linda's handbag,

but I'm pretty sure the lipstick on the mirror matches her shade.

Touch my shit, that'll be the shade of your arse.

Is that an offer? Is that a wig?

TOM SNORTS Hey, hey, enough of this.

You know, I like a lols like all of us,

but this isn't the time.

Now, I've put Thomas, assistant manager, in charge

of catching this... son of a bitch.

Or, can I... can I say daughter of a bastard?

That covers all bases, doesn't it?

Daughter of a bastard responsible.

Make no mistake,

we shall apprehend this gender-neutral boogie-person

before the end of the night shift.

THUNDERCLAP

Sorry, can I see you in the office, darling?

SHE SIGHS

Oh, no, don't jump (!)

It's not a suicide bid, just trying to shut the window.

Please.

Simon, if this is about me and Mike,

I don't know what you think you saw in your sordid little CCTV cameras,

but what me and another employee do

in the privacy of a cold storage unit

with our combined genitals, I think...

Shh-shh-shh. Please. I just... I...

I need your help.

I said... I said I need your help.

What?

HE SIGHS

My wife and I are going through a bit of a bad patch.

She says I spend too much time here. I've lost my sense of adventure.

She calls me Fatty Boom-Boom.

Yeah.

She has suggested we have dinner, and I suggested we have it here

just so I can keep an eye on the place.

You're gonna have dinner in the office?

With a wife that says you spend too much time in the office?

As a valued...

WHISPERS: ..transgender employee,

who better qualified to make this dinner a success

than someone who knows exactly what me and my wife are going through?

Someone who can do javelin and shot put.

Weird sporting analogies aside,

I'm getting a little bit sick of you thinking

that you can use me being transgender to your advantage.

Let me just have a look at my piece of paper.

Because it says here last week you accidentally booked a mammogram

and a prostate exam on the same day.

Which, as I explained, was definitely not an excuse

to go and see a Magic Mike matinee.

Homie, you owe me.

THUNDERCLAP

Now, as the lead investigator and sole member

of the Hate Crime Task Force, I've asked you here

to recreate the offensive image found in the women's bathroom.

We match the picture to the person, we find our transphobe.

Why have you drawn Olivia upside down?

No, no, th... those are pubes.

Wow, Beefy, that's, er...

WHISPERS: Oh, Beefy! It's actually really good.

When are you gonna reopen the women's toilet?

I had a petrol station pasty for dinner,

and it's like the third act of Shawshank Redemption back there.

Oh, great film.

No-one in, no-one out. It remains a crime scene.

And I'll remind you, I am your assistant manager.

So why does your badge say "ass man"?

Ass man?

Does it? Oh, Olivia!

Maybe don't give out marker pens when there's a vandal on the loose.

Yeah, OK, thank you. Michael, you've...

you've written your own name, mate, and you've spelt it wrong.

Is that... Sorry, is that not what we're supposed to do?

No, THAT'S what we're supposed to do!

Wow. Yeah, it's really, really good. Isn't it?

That does look exactly like her willy, as well.

Just draw the picture, man!

I might just copy yours.

I've taken the liberty of drawing up a list of everybody

that might have a problem with you.

This is everyone that works here.

Well, I was extrapolating from your personality.

The vandal is someone who is most likely jealous

of your fundraiser.

I'd say "nice try",

but even for you, this is really, really lazy.

Please tell me you haven't done it to all of them.

Well, don't look at me, Thomas.

I don't know if you've heard, but there is a vandal on the loose.

Guess you're gonna wanna take all these ugly posters down now, huh?

Millie. Yes?

I'd like you to, er, take a pen

and cover up all the rude words on those posters.

They're staying up.

You heard the man, Millie.

I'm on it.

That'll pay off in a few hours.

Liv, hi.

I've been thinking, erm...

Well, you know, just about how much I like you,

and how I think you're great, you know, really.

It's just, well, what I wanted to say was

with the, erm, graffiti and everything...

..I just didn't plan for this much attention, and so, well...

..well, I think we should stop seeing each other.

Oh, OK.

I didn't realise we were... seeing each other. I just...

I guess I've always thought of you more like a dildo with kind eyes.

Does that mean no more, erm, casual sex in the warehouse?

Erm...

HE GROANS OK.

It's fine.

It's a shame, though, because...

of the baby.

The, er...

Sorry, erm, what baby? Yeah.

Congratulations, we are having a baby.

It's a bum baby.

One in 44 million chance, apparently, er...

but it is up there. CLEARS THROAT

Shame it's gonna grow up without a dad,

but I hear they are resilient little things.

OK, erm... EXHALES HEAVILY

..Olivia...

I'm gonna be there.

Yeah? Yes.

OK.

For... For... For... For you and... and... and for the baby.

Less important, but, yeah.

Oh, my God!

Can I?

Oh, OK.

Hello.

My name's Michael. I'm gonna be your dad.

Oh, OK.

Me and your mum are gonna name you Spider-Man.

Are we? It's after my uncle.

Hmm.

I feel like the answer's right in front of me.

Oh! Oh, it's dead!

HE YELLS

Olivia, you don't need a load of fancy ingredients

to make a romantic meal.

You'd be amazed what I can do with a courgette.

No, Simon, trust me, YOU'D be amazed what I can do with a courgette.

Now, look - your wife says you've lost all sense of adventure.

What better way to prove her wrong than with an adventurous meal?

I'm thinking marzipan. I'm thinking piccalilli.

No, no, she's allergic to piccalilli.

What better way to make a woman tingle?

Call me a prude, but I'm not gonna poison my wife

just to spice up our marriage.

That feels like one step forward and two steps back.

Well...

You... You know, on our first date,

the restaurant we were going to misplaced our booking,

so I ended up cooking her a three-course meal

using a Premier Inn trouser press.

Great.

What I'm saying is the way to a woman's heart...

Don't touch those. Sorry.

Is through her stomach.

Spoken like the world's worst surgeon.

Now, get some liquorice and parmesan.

Yes, sir!

I mean... woman.

Heard about the bum baby, by the way. Mazel tov.

Question - when are you gonna let us start using the toilets?

The female staff are starting to call you No-Shit Sherlock.

I found a clue. Oh, for...

Phone at the scene of the crime.

Screen was compromised,

but, er, managed to get these off the mainframe.

Oh, but when I need help scrubbing my browser history,

suddenly you're Forrest Gump.

Porn, porn, porn, porn.

Someone's dinner. No, it's...

You're right, that's porn. Well done, Thomas.

If we were 12, this would be the find of the century.

You're imagining things.

THUNDERCLAP

Nah.

Sushi is fancy, but raw fish has been done to death.

I give you raw chicken.

Japanese call it "torisashi". OK.

I mean, if you think this will help, I will try anything.

KNOCK AT DOOR Oh, Christ, that's my wife!

She's here early. Just... hide.

Pretend to be a lamp or something. What?

Get in with the coats!

Oh, hey. Hi.

Erm...

Simon is a little bit busy right now,

but if you give it two minutes, then you and I can, you know...

..have sex in the warehouse again.

Yeah, erm, actually, Liv, I just...

I didn't come to... I came to talk to you.

Erm... I've thought about this a lot.

I doubt that.

I'm just not ready to be a dad. OK? I can't do it.

It's the... the crying, the nappies, and...

Oh, my God, the birth.

What if I cut the umbilical cord and I cut the wrong thing?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Then he'll be just like his mum, OK?

Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm gonna get you through this.

It's just really important that we stay together, OK?

Ideally sexually. I'm sorry, Liv.

I mean it this time, OK? I'm done.

GRUNTING

Pull it, Mike!

OK.

It's the wrong room.

LIV SIGHS

What are you doing?

No employee of mine is gonna be raising a baby on their own.

I'm sorry I have to ask this.

Erm, the transgender thing is completely new to me.

Is it maternity or paternity?

Simon...

..it's both. I'm entitled to both.

Here we go. Here at Pellocks, we take care of each other.

I... We... will always be here for you.

PHONE BUZZES

Hold that thought.

Hmm.

What?

What's in it? You tell me.

Somebody left it outside the store,

and I can only assume it was left for you

by the Hate Crime Bandit.

Hmm, so we know the criminal is a formal person with teeth.

CLEARS THROAT

"Simon..." Oh!

"It's clear the shop means more to you than I do.

"I'm sick of giving you chances." Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Lots of stuff about sexual inadequacy, personal hygiene.

Yeah, there it is. She's asking for a divorce.

Oh. Now I feel like a prick.

Maybe the wife did the graffiti. THEY YELL

Millie! Flip! Oh, sorry.

WHISPERS: Right. Right. Right.

CLEARS THROAT

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello.

DOOR OPENS

She's not coming, is she?

Well... it's not like we went to a lot of trouble, is it?

I know you said I should be adventurous,

but I just felt like I needed

to cook something from the heart, so...

Simon.

That's like the fourth best thing I've ever put in my mouth.

Erm...

your wife left you a box of things at the front of the store.

Did she leave a note?

No, there wasn't a note. It was just a box of things.

That's really strange. Cos, I mean...

my wife would definitely have left a note.

Really?

Erm... what's that at the window?

Oh, here it is.

Yeah, it's, erm, the note from your wife

that I will now read to you instead of giving to you

for reasons that are not very important.

So, let's do this. "Dear Simon..."

She only calls me Simon when she's angry.

Or... Or when she's aroused.

"Dear Simon.

"You have probably figured out by now

"that I would like a divorce."

HE GROANS

"But I am too chickenshit to tell you that in person,

"because you are such a handsome, fancy boy.

"I know you to be a deeply caring man.

"The love you have for your staff is very clear,

"especially Olivia, who I know respects you deeply,

"despite the fact that she never really shows it."

That's really weird, cos I've never mentioned you at home.

Rude. CLEARS THROAT

"I have left you this box of mementos

"as a, er, reminder of our love."

Signed, your wife's name, which you already know,

and that's the end of the letter, so...

Yeah, well, I mean, knowing Freida,

she would have left a detailed breakdown

of each and every item inside that carton.

Really? Yeah.

OK. Erm, what's that at the window again?

Oh, here it is on the other side. CLEARS THROAT

OK, here we go.

"This is your toothbrush,

"because your smile always made me smile,

"the same way when you see somebody yawn or do some sick."

Yeah.

Er, then there's this - "A tiny bag of, erm...

"..what I can only assume is our dog's still-warm detritus,

"because while I can't bear to part with him

"at this difficult time,

"I want you to remember him as the dog he was."

Incredibly well-fed, apparently. Stop.

Stop.

I think it's clear from my wife's note

that she's trying to let me down gently.

And if my wife were here, I would tell her

that I... I really appreciate the gesture.

Cheers.

Thank you all for coming.

I've gathered you here this evening because it's...

We can't hear a word you're saying.

HE SIGHS Fine.

This probably isn't the answer you were all expecting,

but after considering all the evidence

and investigating all of you, the Hate Crime Bandit is...

..it could have been any one of you.

Wait, is that it?

I had to take a piddle in a hollowed-out pumpkin.

Beefy Linda spent the night shaking mini turds out of her jeggings

like it was the prison yard scene in Shawshank Redemption.

Great film. Great film.

AMERICAN ACCENT: Andy Dufresne.

Look, you all clearly had a bone to pick with Liv, and if I'm honest,

it took me longer than expected to go home and get the hat,

so I'd appreciate it if... It was me.

What?

I drew the lady with the boobs in... in... in the mirror.

Mike... I was horny, all right?

I was... really horny,

hornier than I've ever been,

perhaps more than any man has ever been.

And so I decided to go to the gents, you know, to take care of things.

But... oh, God, it was disgusting in there.

It was...

So I crossed to the ladies, and...

..I was gonna look at some porn on my phone.

But I lost my phone.

I was gonna leave,

but then I saw the lipstick by the sink, and...

I just began to draw, you know, from... memory.

I'm sorry.

But I didn't draw the penis.

No, that wasn't me.

As God is my witness, I did not draw that willy.

I'm sorry.

So, we're supposed to believe that you're stupid enough

to lose your phone in a locked cubicle?

Yeah, no, that tracks. No.

No-one half confesses to a crime.

Why would Michael admit to drawing the cartoon but not the penis?

Don't give out marker pens when there's a vandal on the loose.

Dunno if you've heard, but there's a vandal on the loose.

I feel like the answer's right in front of me.

It was you.

This whole time.

What? Oh, yeah. LIV LAUGHS

It was me.

Why would you fake a hate crime against yourself?

Thomas, I tried telling you at the beginning of the evening

that everything was fine.

But you lot were so determined to get offended on my behalf

that you turned a non-issue into fake panic.

Why don't you explain to all these lovely people

what is so inherently offensive

about the image of a woman with a penis?

Well, erm... I went into that bathroom

and I saw a picture of a lady,

and I added a chunky cock because it made me smile.

But at the end of the day,

the only real villain at the end of this fucked-up fairy tale

is just another straight white man wanking where he shouldn't be.

At this point, I would drop a mic,

but I haven't got a mic.

Mike, lay on the ground.

I've just got quite dodgy knees. Do what the lady says, Mike!

WHISPERS: Oh, God.

Now, Simon, if you'll kindly fire Wanksy down there,

we can all get back to work. With pleasure.

You're fired, Mike.

Oh, I found a penny.

You know, it's ironic...

What the fuck are you playing at, Thomas?

Don't just walk up next to somebody and start talking.

That is a mad way to start a conversation.

Sorry. It's just I had a really cool line.

It's all right if I use it?

Yes, do the line.

Thanks. CLEARS THROAT

You know, it's ironic I spent all evening looking in that mirror,

but the one person I didn't see was myself.

Fuck, that's actually really good. Yeah, thanks.

Listen, I'm sorry about

blowing things out of proportion this evening.

You're right, I should... I should listen to you more.

It's OK, Thomas. It's all about the long game.

MILLIE: Oh.

Last one.

Hitler.

Touche.

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0