Original subtitles

- I'm alive. - Oh!

Ha-ha. Phew. MILLIE CHUCKLES

Hm-hm.

So, er... CLEARS THROAT

Millie, erm, how was your night off?

Get up to anything fun with anyone boyfriend-y or...?

I'm not seeing anyone. No?

Unless you count the crow that lives in my wall.

No, no, I drank a whole can of Thunder Piss energy drink at 6pm

and decided to come here and alphabetise the dips.

Aioli to tzatziki.

Yeah.

Although, I think tzatziki begins with a T.

What?

I mean, I could help you alphabetise the dips tonight, maybe?

I'd like that. You'd like that?

Yeah. Great!

HE LAUGHS

That would be fanta... That would... Not exa...

Not great, just good... actually. Oh.

Soooo... how was your night off?

Pfft. Big night.

Really? Yeah, it was. Dancing, actually.

Working on some moves,

adjusting those moves in order to maximise performance.

It's important to stay on top of your game

when it comes to these things.

I'd love to go dancing.

Must be amazing to have people to go with.

Yeah, big time. Big time.

Although this was actually just me by myself at home

in front of the mirror. Oh.

Teaching myself the robot,

just in case, er, I do ever venture out for a night out.

CHUCKLES

Let me see if I can remember it, actually.

It was, er, left arm up, right arm up,

twizzle both 90 degrees, pop a shoulder if there's time,

point, point, point, point, point, cheeky little wink,

er, and repeat.

Wow. I'd love to see it sometime.

Listen, erm, I was thinking, well, you're a woman, and...

Yes. ..I'm a man.

DOOR OPENS

Trust me, I've made that mistake before.

Give it a few years.

Sorry I'm late, everybody. I was on a date.

Wowza. Keep it in your pants, Millie.

And you couldn't have got changed before work?

I'm transgender, Thomas. How much more change do you want?

You want my advice for landing a man?

It all starts by swiping right.

Unless he's a southpaw.

Then you swipe left, upper cut to the chin,

turning kick to the knee, and he's out for the count.

Thank you, Beefy, but I did not put in all this effort

to land one man for the rest of my life.

I did it because they might be bringing back national service.

Either way, if I'm gonna end up with one person,

I need them to be my intellectual match.

Oh, when's the wedding? What wedding?

To the sound of your own voice.

Sit down. Join the circle.

So, what's all this, then? Oh, wait, no, let me guess.

Erm, speed dating for ugly people.

I really hope it's Squid Games!

Not for the murder. I'm just in it for the cookies.

All I know is I came in this evening

and Simon had locked himself in his office,

jabbering on about taking back control.

I'm no psychiatrist, but I think this divorce

has really pushed him over the edge.

'Your lack of faith is duly noted, employee 8402.'

Where are these numbers coming from? There's literally five of us.

'You are looking at the future of Pellocks.

'The boxes before you contain the latest customer-facing AI technology

'that... that Pellocks could afford.'

Wow. I had no idea there was an East Korea.

We will no longer be relying on human connection,

only to have it smashed back in our face like a custard pie of lies.

'Shouldn't that be "custody" pie?'

His wife's taken the kids. Lovely bit of wordplay.

'Employee 6478, open the box in front of you.'

That's me.

Ooh.

"The V-Scan staff headset allows retail staff

"the hands-free ability to scan stock items,

"alerting them at a glance to which products are out of date

"and in need of disposal."

I've seen these. They are amazing. Type in "VR porn". Yeah.

All of the sights, none of the smells.

It's a game-changer, people. It really is.

Here we go.

'V-Scan uses machine learning to speed up the stock-taking process,

'eliminating the need for employees

'to waste time communicating during their shifts.'

BEEPING, CHIMING

Hang on, guys, let's think about this for a second.

Is this really what we wanna be doing?

Giving ourselves over to the machines?

What happened to a time when AI

was just the sound of a Scottish person agreeing with you twice?

Tom, it's a bit of plastic.

Call me a sceptic, but I'll believe the machines are listening

when I stop receiving emails for penis enlargement spam.

'Employee 1610, designation "Beefy".'

You will be testing the Bluetooth range

for the brand-new anti-theft geo-tagged trolleys.

'You need to get as far away from the store as possible

'so we can judge how far they...

'1610?

'Beefy?' She's off.

'OK.

'Employee 8402, you are going to be the voice

'of Pellocks' brand-new self-service scanners.

'The modern customer loves nothing more

'than arguing with a machine at checkout.'

Your voice will give it that much-needed sense of spinelessness

that make people feel superior.

CACKLES

And if I refuse to hand over my identity to a machine?

Record the phrases, 8402!

And try to add a little bit of... flavour.

Sorry, if you want a strong flavour, you come for blue cheese,

not, you know, Babybel wax.

Sorry, Thomas.

I'll do it. I could do a celebrity voice.

"Ah, please place the item

"inside the, ah, the bagging area."

Jeff Goldblum.

I know! That is good.

'Ah, yes, employee 666.' Clever.

'For you, I have an alternative surprise.

'Open the box in front of you.'

I feel like there's a hate crime in here I'm not seeing.

The average idiot customer cannot tell the difference

between a "display-by" date and a "best-by" date.

CHUCKLES

As supermarkets, we are encouraged to donate to foodbanks

anything we can no longer legally display.

However, since Pellocks is graciously raising money

for your gender reassignment surgery,

we are going to turn these un-displayable products

into free giveaways to incentivise donations.

SIMON CACKLES

Don't stare too long, you might fall in love.

The sooner you learn to love yourself,

the sooner you'll get over this crush on Millie.

Shut up, you dick!

Shush!

Maybe I do like Millie, OK?

Maybe it won't go anywhere. What's she doing?

Whoa. At least I'm willing to try.

You couldn't handle a relationship with another human being

cos you could never love anyone as much as you love yourself.

Oh.

Oh. Mm.

According to this headset, these dogs are dangerously out of date.

'Millie, go through the batch, and immediately throw out the bad ones.

'Olivia, start programming the scanner, and don't do a silly voice.

'That is all.

'Yeah, can I order one Bombay potato,

'one spinach paneer, two pilau rice, and one pasanda?'

Let go of the button!

Millie, you've been doing this for hours, so...

listen, I was thinking, maybe we could take a break?

You and me together? No need. This thing is amazing.

AI is literally teaching itself to go faster.

All I have to do is look at a jar, and the headset has taught itself

to recognise bad ones just by the picture.

You know, speaking of things that are right in front of your face

and should have been said a long time ago,

erm, well, I was... I was wondering what you're doing tonight?

I was thinking perhaps you could pop over to mine

and, I don't know, I could go over some more of my dance moves for you?

Yeah, yeah. You go on without me. Oh.

Go on without me.

Yeah, OK, yeah, sure, I...

..I-I'll print you out a PDF.

Easier to follow. Mm-hm.

SIGHS

OK, then.

I'll just...

Remove. Remove. Remove.

Remove. Remove. Remove. Remove.

Remove.

Remove. Remove. Remove. Remove!

"Thank you for shopping at Pellocks."

'Thank you for shopping at Pellocks.'

BEEP Great, last one.

Three hours of my life!

I could have been getting wined, dined and reclined.

SIGHS 'Is there a problem?'

Do you know what? Yeah.

Yeah, there is a problem. What if Thomas is right?

What if I'm never gonna meet a man I've got anything in common with

other than the ability to urinate standing up?

'Would you like more time?'

That's exactly what I need, is more time

if I'm ever gonna find the perfect man.

'I hope you come again.'

You and me both.

'Can I help you find what you're looking for?

'Please touch to continue.'

BEEP

Ooh.

EXHALES

'I'm afraid that won't be possible, 8402.'

You see, with my new one-touch system interface,

I can now control every inch of the store

without ever having to leave the safety of my office ever again.

This is inhumane, Simon. We're not your little robots.

I'm a man.

And I need to pop outside and have a puff

of my strawberry bubble gum-flavoured water vapour.

Now please just open the door!

'Is that insubordination I sense, 8402?'

'No, I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have...'

Perhaps you need a moment to, er, cool down.

SIMON CACKLES No. Please.

CACKLING CONTINUES

GROANS

SIGHS, SCOFFS

'Oh, I thought it would be better than that.'

Remove. Remove.

Remove. Remove. Remove. Remove. Remove.

Destroy.

Remove. Remove. Remove.

Remove. Remove.

Remove. Remove. Remove. Remove.

LIV LAUGHS

Oh, my God, don't be such a square. 'Please enter item manually.'

Steady on. Most people pay extra for that kind of thing.

I need you and your superhuman ego to put a stop to Simon.

All this new technology's tearing people apart.

And by "people", you mean "you and Millie"?

Pfft! No.

Although since you asked, the stupid new headset

is making her act like I don't even exist.

Or maybe she's just not that into you.

If you've come for relationship advice,

I've kind of got my own thing going on right now.

'Hello, Thomas.'

S-Sorry, what am I looking at?

His name is Scaniel Radcliffe.

His name is Scaniel Radcliffe?

His name is Scaniel Radcliffe.

And we were having a very nice conversation

before you came along.

'Is there a problem?' Calm down, babe, he's a friend.

Am I the only person left in the shop

that isn't being actively driven insane by a machine?

You know what? This ends now.

Ignore him. He's never gonna understand what we have.

Yes.

KNOCK AT DOOR My little worker bees.

Bring the honey to your Daddy Queen.

Simon, let me in! Simon! THOMAS GRUNTS

HISSES

I didn't have time to think of a clever catchphrase.

Simon, your precious technology is bringing the worst out in everybody.

You've become a paranoid control freak.

Liv's narcissism is off the scale.

Millie's gonna work herself into an early grave,

and who even knows what darkly ironic, Black Mirror-style

sci-fi horror situation Beefy Linda's got herself into.

CHUCKLES

Did you see that? LAUGHS

Oh, my God.

THOMAS SIGHS

You're putting people's jobs and lives

and casual work friendships at risk.

It's time for the experiment to end.

No. People come and go, 8402.

Stay focused on what's important - professional achievement.

There is no room for sentiment on the road to progress.

Consider the bigger picture.

HISSES

It's today's date.

I guess these must have come for you this morning.

I'm... I'm sorry.

You think the more control you have,

the less chance there'll be of you ever getting hurt again.

But life's about learning to live with the things

that you can't control.

I know what it's like, I do.

Shutting off the parts of you that feel pain, or wanting to, at least.

But...

you're not a "machine-ager", Simon.

You're a "man-ager".

And right now, your employees need your help.

Hm.

Simon? Hm.

Simon?

Hmm.

- Simon? - Hmm.

Oh, well. Can't win them all. THOMAS GRUNTS

Just scoot you over there.

THOMAS SIGHS Oh, Millie.

If only you knew.

MILLIE YELLS

Ooh, that's a bit excessive.

MILLIE YELLS

Remove!

Liv! Liv!

Remove. Remove. Liv.

BREATHES HEAVILY Liv, Millie's gonna kill you.

Wh...?

This isn't what it looks like.

'Unexpected item in bagging area.'

Liv! Oh! She's here!

THOMAS BREATHES HEAVILY

Hellooo.

Millie, it's me, it's your assistant manager, Thomas Rice.

I know you're still in there, and I know you don't wanna do this.

We all wanna kill Liv, we do.

But we can't, we're family.

And family don't cut each other out of each other's lives.

Neither literally or figuratively.

Millie, please, just...

just take off the headset.

THOMAS BREATHES HEAVILY

Ah.

YELLS

No! No, no, no, wait! Wait!

Wait!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS Oh...

Thomas, what are you doing?

In order to defeat a machine, one must think like a machine.

This is literally bringing nothing to the table!

You think of something better!

YELLS, THOMAS SCREAMS

Who is doing this?!

And lo... God sent a flood to wash away all that he had created.

'Insert your card. Massive savings. Please. Save.

'Insert your card. Massive savings.'

SOBS

'Please insert your card.' No! No! No!

'Please. Savings. Savings. Please save.

'Please save. Olivia.' No, no, no, no!

'Please save. Save. Save. Save.

'Goodbye.'

Goodbye, Scaniel.

Get it off, get it off! Millie!

SHE SHRIEKS Millie!

SHE SQUEALS

SHE GASPS

Tom. What happened?

# Because love can carry me, ooh

# To you

# To you... #

RUMBLING

# It's a simple truth that I... #

SHE RETCHES, SPLASH

SHE COUGHS

Those hotdogs I ate! SHE RETCHES

HE RETCHES, SPLASH

THEY RETCH

'Good morning, team.'

SIMON YAWNS

'Simon here to remind you that Pellocks "wuvs woo"

'and that I'm really sorry about last night. Ha!'

It would have never worked out. You were too similar.

Also, it's an industrial appliance.

Yeah, well, at least he treated me with respect.

I didn't go on a date tonight.

He texted half an hour before

saying he didn't want to go out with me because I used to be a man.

I told him, "Everyone you've ever slept with used to be a child."

Call me a sceptic, I reckon that's probably worse.

I am sick of men making me feel like I'm only half a woman.

Join the club, sister. How are you feeling?

Better.

Sprinkler brought my temperature down.

I am sorry I tried to murder you with a cleaver.

I feel like a right berk. THEY CHUCKLE

'In a funny way,

'I think last night might have brought us closer together.'

Ah... LAUGHS

Me and Tom are gonna go to the staff room for a Pot Noodle.

Do you wanna join us?

Erm... no.

No, do you know what?

I reckon I'm just gonna stay here and have a little cry.

You two should go on your own.

Millie, y-you go ahead, I'll catch you up.

I'm just gonna have a little moment with Liv. Thanks.

Have you got any advice? Erm, yeah.

Never...

Yeah? Mm-hm. ..ever... ever...

Yeah. ..do anal.

What?

I knew a girl called Genevieve. She tried anal with her boyfriend.

She farted halfway through, and his testicles exploded.

That's a good chat, thanks. Yeah.

Yeah, that's really useful. THOMAS GRUNTS

PHONE CHIMES

'Welcome back, Olivia. Let's begin.'

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