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How old are you? Seventeen.

Come on, you're older than that.

No, I got a birth certificate.

You couldn't get that dirty in 17 years.

How about you? How old are you?

I was seven two years ago in Stanford, Connecticut.

Well, that makes you nine.

Not until I get back to Connecticut.

Hey, what's the big idea?

Pick on somebody your own size.

You see that? Yeah.

Hey, you guys.

Moe.

Moe.

Hmm.

Moe?

You're not going back to the studio today.

Harry needs a little help.

It's a mitzvah, you know.

I need to keep busy.

You got your garden.

It's not the same thing. I'm late.

All right, ladies, who's next here?

We fix anything. Cut rate.

Prepared while you wait.

And that ain't all.

Zoop.

Pardon me, could we...

No.

This is all your fault. No, it isn't.

Oh, a radio.

You want to take the $32 or try for the $64?

I'll go for the $64.

Okay.

Why can't a chicken lay a loaf of bread?

She ain't got the crust.

You win. Give me. Give me.

Get out of here and take that radio with you. Get busy.

Short wave?

No, permanent.

Excuse me, are you, uh...

Oh, no, I'm just a delivery boy.

Here you go.

Where you been with my sandwich? I'm dying here.

Pastrami on rye.

With Russian? Sure. Like always.

So I, uh, I saw some suits in the screening room.

They're running our old two-reelers.

What's going on?

Screen Gem guys think maybe they can make a nickel or two

selling the stuff off to television.

Oh, yeah? What's in it for us?

Well, I'll see what I can do,

but you know what your contract says.

No fees, no residuals.

Bupkes.

That stinks, Harry. That stinks.

Forty years in the business.

It's like I'm working for Healy again.

No fees.

You didn't do so bad by Healy.

If it hadn't been for him, you wouldn't be where you are.

Which is where exactly?

♪ Oh, Mr. Gallagher! Oh, Mr. Gallagher!

♪ Hello, what's on your mind this morning, Mr. Shean?

♪ Everybody's making fun of the way our country's run

♪ All the papers say we'll soon live European

Hey, Healy, where'd you get that voice?

The fog horn store?

♪ Why, Mr. Shean! Why, Mr. Shean! ♪

Shut up, will you? You're making me seasick.

Cut the music.

Hey, fellow, you think anybody can do this?

You do it.

Okay, come on up.

Me?

Yeah.

Yeah? All right.

I bet his wife don't even let him sing in the bathtub.

Hey, didn't your mother ever tell you not to interrupt?

You're hitting too hard.

They got to hear it at the back of the hall.

They'll hear it just fine. Just loosen your fingers up a little bit.

Okay, wise guy, start singing.

Take that! Oh!

Get him, Moe.

Damn it! I got him, Moe.

Give me that. Give me that! Shemp!

I got him! I got him!

Here. Take that!

Take that!

What's a matter with you?

This ain't funny anymore.

Now, that's funny.

What the hell do you think you're doing? That's my wife here.

Bring down the curtain.

W-Would you... No, no. No, no, no.

Uh, oh, yeah.

Uh, you're on, Fienberg.

Now get out there and keep them from starting a riot.

But Mabel ain't down yet.

Make something up.

Hey, Ted? It's okay.

You got a beef? Let's hear it.

Me? Yeah.

You don't have to make it hurt so much.

Your brother's starting to sound ungrateful.

Ted, it's... Hey.

They love him. Yeah.

You show him, Mr. Policeman.

If you don't like it, I can always get another stooge.

Come on, Mr. Healy,

he doesn't mean anything by it.

He's just a little sensitive. Is that right?

It's a lucky thing tonight's your last show.

That guy you clobbered with a bear, what if he sues?

Say, listen, one of these days

he's going to be telling his grandkids

about the night he got to play a sketch with the great Ted Healy.

Beat it.

Here you go, boys. You earned your keep tonight.

I tell you, Moe, that guy gives me the willies.

Everything gives you the willies.

You'd put a leash on your own shadow

if it would keep it from following you.

When are you going to stop letting him chisel us?

The box office guy says Healy makes a grand a week,

and all we see is a lousy C-note.

He can't get away with that.

Oh, yes, he can. He's the headliner.

Look, I know he's rough, but we're stooges, a dime a dozen.

Just take the money and keep your mouth shut.

We'll be okay. Okay?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

What do we got here?

Sweetheart, who do you like in the fifth race tomorrow?

They all look like nags to me.

Hey, what do you say we go to a speak after the second show?

Say, you know, now that you mention it,

I'm feeling kind of thirsty.

Surprise, surprise.

Caught your act, kid. You got potential.

Thanks, Mr. Healy.

What's your name? Me, I'm Larry Fine.

That there's my wife, Mabel. Hiya.

This is Moe Howard and his brother Shemp,

short for Samuel because his old lady couldn't pronounce it right.

I like the bear bit.

Oh, gee, thanks. Where'd you get the hair?

Oh, my mother blames my father.

You play houses much?

They love me in Peoria.

Pretty big break for you sharing the bill with me.

Listen, kid, I got a proposition for you.

If you wear your hair that way and forget the tails,

you can join us for $90 a week.

$100 if you forget the fiddle.

For $100 I'll forget everything.

I like this guy.

Hey that's $100 now, right?

It's $100. All right.

So Paddy on his deathbed

hands his best and only bottle of whiskey

to his friend Mick.

"Mick, would you do something for a dying man?" he says.

"Anything, Paddy," replies Mick.

Wait for the punchline now. So Paddy says to Mick,

"Wait until they put me in the cold, cold ground,

"and then pour the whole bottle over me

"to keep me warm, will you?"

And Mick answers, "Sure, Paddy,

"but would you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"

Who the devil are you guys?

"This will introduce three charming gentlemen.

"They are very talented.

"They sing,

"dance,

"do female impersonations,

"even acrobatics.

"In fact, they are the best act of this kind in the nation.

"Very truly yours."

Who wrote this? I did.

Now that's funny.

There you go. Pair of ladies.

Kings over tens.

All in a row.

Wait a second. That pot is mine.

What are you talking about?

A straight beats a full house.

Get out. Come to papa.

Hey, get your hands off. It's my pot.

It's mine!

The hell it is.

Look me in the eye and say that.

All right. The hell it is.

What did you do? Do you think that's funny?

When he does it to you.

Oh!

Love it when he does it to you!

Now, that's funny.

Hey!

$100. $100. $100. There you go, boys.

Don't spend it all in one place.

Sorry to run out on you, but a very rich lady

is waiting for me in a penthouse apartment.

She's got a driver outside.

If Betty asks...

We don't know nothing.

I knew I could count on you.

Break a leg. And your head.

Healy ever heard of a raise?

Maybe you should try saving a little more

instead of spending it all on the ponies.

Not everybody can live on $25 a week like you, Moe.

I send $19 home.

That leaves me six bucks after expenses.

Yeah, and you just piss that away.

♪ Come in ♪ Come in ♪

Oh, uh...

Which one are you? I'm Moe.

Larry, Shemp.

Where's Healy?

We don't know nothing.

Yeah, where is that louse?

Oh, boy, here we go.

Okay, spill it.

Who's he two-timing me with this time?

Now, just take it easy, sister.

Forgot my...

Oh, here he is now.

...cane. Remember me?

Now, Betty, don't go jumping to conclusions.

Now, I'm through hearing you double-talk me.

Get it? Now, you listen.

Hey! I know how to use this.

I'll shoot you, you louse! No, Betty! Come on! Put it away.

Come on, don't shoot. Put it away, Betty. I'm going to kill you, Ted!

I can explain.

Run!

Is it like this every night?

Tonight's kind of slow.

Ted!

It's okay, boys. She just winged me.

Mr. Healy,

I represent 20th Century Fox.

Boys.

We're on our way to Hollywood.

My Ted, a movie star. Imagine that.

Get ready, boys.

There's millions to be made

in the picture business,

and our only competition is idiots.

I say good luck to the best man, or all of us.

Here, here. Cheers. Here we go.

Come on, tell them.

Boys, Betty and I have decided to make it legal.

That's terrific, Ted. It's really something.

You know, if the guys get work in pictures,

they'll be home a lot more than they're on the road.

Don't think I don't know my Larry's got a wandering eye.

But it don't bother me.

He always comes home to mama.

At least I haven't got that problem.

Moe's steady.

So's Shemp.

Besides, none of those chorus girls would put up with him.

When we got to our compartment,

he made me check it for bed bugs.

Hey, what's eating you, kid?

You know how many train wrecks there were last year?

Oh, Shemp, would you stop being a worrywart?

It's time to celebrate.

Yeah? What's to celebrate?

Stop brooding.

I'm not brooding. I'm pruning.

Tell that to the camellia bush.

I made some lemonade.

Okay.

Oh, we have company.

I'll get it.

What can I do for you?

I-- I'm sorry to barge in here like this, Mr. Howard.

My name is Cosgrove.

Sorry, kid, I don't do interviews.

Oh, this isn't about an interview, Mr. Howard.

I came to the Coast to look at some of your old shorts for broadcast.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I remember you from the screening room, right?

Moe, don't be rude. Ask him to come in.

You're the young man I talked to on the phone today, aren't you?

Yes, yes. Hi.

Wait a minute. You know this kid?

Your wife was kind enough to invite me over.

I see. A conspiracy.

And I came to ask you to honor us with a visit.

A visit?

And not just you, the whole Three Stooges

to do a show in Boston.

What--What are you talking about? Do a show?

A live appearance, like in the old vaudeville days.

A revival.

Oh, a revival. Yeah, that's nice.

Kid, it's not just me you're wearing out, it's the welcome mat.

Moe, maybe you should listen.

The Three Stooges are over, kid.

Ancient history.

They're dead.

Look at the water, Shemp. Isn't it beautiful?

Who knows what kind of germs they got in there?

Hey, they say the weather is like this all year round.

Blue skies, warm temperatures.

I bet you can barbeque year round.

And garden.

Always wanted to have a garden.

Where's all the people, the sidewalks,

the schmutz in the air?

Now, listen. If they offer us a contract, fellows,

I say we take it.

We do and we're joined at the hip with Healy forever.

With the Depression on, Shemp, work is work.

And Healy is Healy.

Maybe we should get one big house and all share it.

Nothing doing, sister.

Larry and I are going first class.

A nice hotel, room service, the works.

A suite.

What would you do instead? Sell apples on the street corner?

Go back to mama in Brooklyn?

You never finished high school.

Neither did you.

You don't need no diploma to be in pictures.

Oh, hello, there.

Hey, what are you looking at?

Hey, I'm just looking, baby. Come here.

Just looking.

We got to look to the future, fellows,

even if it means sticking with Healy.

Nobody's gonna see vaudeville anymore

now that they got talking pictures.

What are you saying, we got to talk?

And you're calling me a scaredy-cat.

I need some pastrami.

California is for fruits and nuts.

You are a fruit.

I'm not letting you drive, cement-head.

Is there really a lake in Toluca Lake?

I think so. It's over there.

Maybe it's over there.

Nice house you got.

We're renting.

Maybe after the picture's finished,

we can afford a down payment.

Shemp and I are looking around, too,

but we haven't found the right place yet.

Ah, none of this housewife stuff for me.

Let someone else do the work.

Larry and me, we like big hotels.

I'm sick of living out of suitcases.

I was saying to Moe, it would be nice to settle down.

What, in this burg?

It's a little quiet.

Well, the boys are enjoying themselves.

Larry comes home from the studio so excited.

He says he can't believe he can get paid so much

for standing around and being funny.

I'm not so sure about Shemp.

He shakes like a leaf every night.

I got to hold on tight to keep him from falling out of bed.

You know, Moe says Healy's worse than ever.

The hell with Healy.

Maybe we're all getting a little ahead of ourselves.

I mean, who knows if it's even gonna work out?

Who are you kidding? It's going to be terrific.

Yeah, it'll work out.

Moe will find a way. He always does.

To success.

Success. Success.

Ladies and gentlemen, here we are

at the fabulous State Theater in Hollywood

for the world premiere of 20th Century Fox's

Soup to Nuts starring Ted Healy.

And here he comes now.

Thank you very much.

It's a great night. A great night.

I told my stooges

they're gonna get along fine in Hollywood.

Out here they've got lots of company. So, what'd you think?

This is stooge central, the land where... Boo-hoo. A real stinker.

...all good stooges go.

Pretty soon they'll be city supervisors.

Okay, baby, here we go.

That's great.

See you, fellows.

Here you go, honey. Mind your head. All right.

Just relax. Thank you.

Here we go!

Fox bubbly tonight, huh?

This is traveling in style.

You bet you.

Mr. Howard, Buddy Sheehan, 20th Century Fox.

How are you? Let me come to the point.

How does a seven-year contract with the studio

sound to you and your boys?

Well, sir, uh, you better talk to Ted Healy first.

This arrangement would not include Mr. Healy.

Think about it. The offer's good until first thing tomorrow.

Oh, boy.

What do you think of California now, huh, chuckle-head?

I think it's swell.

Just swell.

Honey.

If that guy Sheehan thinks he can steal you from my act...

Take it easy, Ted.

You're under contract to me.

Maybe it's time for us to... Maybe we'd be better off if we just...

The material is mine, Moe, and so are you.

You welch on me now, I'll see to it

you never work again. You hear me?

Come on, Betty.

We had an agreement.

Well, just give us a chance, Mr. Sheehan.

You said the deal was good until...

Well, he can't do that. That's...

You said the deal was good until...

Yeah, I'm sorry, too.

Healy got to him.

The studio withdrew the offer.

It's rotten, Moe.

Yeah, I know.

You could ask your parents for money.

Your mom's done all right in real estate.

We'll go back to vaudeville.

We are still a good act without Healy. Maybe better.

That's not what you used to think.

Well, I know. I was wrong.

I've got to be wrong.

Where is he? Always late.

What's with the late?

I ought to buy him two watches.

Oh, boy.

Wow. Cutting it kind of close, aren't you, porcupine?

I had to make the plans for Mabel to meet us in Philly.

You can call her from Santa Barbara.

Santa Barbara? What are you talking about?

I thought we were headed East.

Newark, Philly, and then Baltimore.

Forget East.

Hey, what's going on here, Moe?

I got us two weeks in Seattle, that's what's going on.

Seattle?

All they got in Seattle is fog.

They got $900 a week to pay us for the gig. Guaranteed.

Split even, that's $300 each.

Healy ever pay you that much?

Hey, hey, hey.

It's not just the money, is it, Moe?

Okay. Okay.

Healy threatened to bomb the theaters

if we show up in the East Coast.

Oh, come on, he's bluffing.

Wait a minute. I wouldn't put it past him.

Of course he's bluffing. But the theater managers,

they're not taking any chances. They know what Healy's like.

He wants to kill the act, fellows.

But we're not going to let him do that.

Now come on. We got a train to catch.

Moe. Moe, you awake?

No. This is me talking in my sleep.

I'm worried, Moe.

What if Healy doesn't back down?

Shemp, go to sleep, will you?

What--What the hell's going on here?

What?

For crying out loud, Shemp!

I'm sorry, Larry, I didn't mean it.

Guys, guys, what's going on?

Ted Healy scared the piss out of your brother and it landed on me.

I can't do it, Moe, I can't do it.

Jeez, Shemp.

Come on, open up, Shemp. Nothing doing.

Would you forget about Healy? He's full of hot air.

It's not just Healy, Moe.

It's you.

Me?

All I'm trying to do is look after you.

I'm tired of all the rough stuff... The slaps, the pokes.

I don't want to do it anymore.

Don't talk like that, Shemp. Come on.

We've always been a team, me and you. Ever since we were kids.

Now come on out of there.

Come on out, Shemp, right now.

I'm sorry, fellows.

All right. What now, tough guy?

I haven't run out of brothers yet.

No, like this.

Now you're talking.

He's funny.

You, Moishe, you were always running away to the melodramas.

Now you want to take my baby.

Ma, you want him to stay in Bath Beach his whole life?

Jerry's got a gift, Mrs. Howard.

A gift.

Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!

California. What do you say, kiddo?

Thought you'd never ask.

Your brothers, please talk to them for me.

The insurance salesman.

Ma, I ain't got no head for that kind of stuff.

Or anything else.

Ma, would you stop singing Kaddish?

He's not dead, he's just going to California.

It's the same thing.

Jenny, come.

Take care of him, Moishe.

Of course I will, Mama. He's my baby brother.

Let's celebrate. Drinks are on me. Come on.

Hey, there we go.

I want to meet Charlie Chaplin.

You want to what?

I want to meet Charlie Chaplin.

I hear he's got a house out in California, right?

Well, I want to go over and say hello.

Oh, brother. Listen, babe, it's not like that out there.

Charlie Chaplin is a big movie star.

You don't just go over to his house and say hello.

Well, then I want to invite him to one of our shows.

Hey, listen, kid, it ain't all peaches and sunshine out there, all right?

I mean, we're doing okay, but... We're doing great.

We're just gonna play small houses, at least to start.

Like speakeasies, social clubs, hotels.

Chaplin wouldn't go for our stuff anyway. He's too highbrow.

What are you guys talking about?

He's a comedian, and we're funny.

I don't care if it's a hotel or a speak

or if he's Charlie Chaplin or Franklin Roosevelt.

If they come to our show they're gonna laugh.

Fine. Shut up and go to sleep, will you?

Oh, stop it.

Enough. Guys, I'm trying to sleep.

Cut it out, both of youse.

Would you stop it?

Would you cut it out? I'm warning you both.

Babe, I'm warning you. Would youse two just stop it?

I don't know, fellas.

No, I ain't doing it.

Babe, you got to have something different from all the other stooges out here.

Look at him. Look. See? Look.

I don't know.

Look, your brother's right. You got to have what they call a trademark.

Promise me it won't hurt.

It's not gonna hurt. Is it gonna hurt?

It might hurt a little bit. It's not...

It won't hurt. It won't hurt. Sit down.

Ah, she's a master with the shears there.

Get it all, now, Helen. Nice and close.

Okay, Babe.

Oh...

No, you can't have the mustache!

Look, kid, you're a stooge.

Oh, God!

Yeah, what do we call him now? Babe's no good.

Oh, jeez, ain't I curly?

Oh, hey.

That's good. That is really good.

Moe, Larry, Curly.

The Three Stooges.

The Three Stooges.

The Three Stooges, eh?

Swing it. Swing it.

Gentlemen.

This way, Mr. Cohn.

If these guys are so good, why they playin' this joint?

Ah, you take what you can get.

Theaters can't make the rent since Roosevelt closed the banks.

Any of those other bums here tonight?

I heard rumors Mayor and Warner might be coming.

Even L.B.

Harry.

Jack.

Harry.

That's good. Yeah.

Oh!

May I?

Woof! Wise guy, eh?

Hiya, toots.

Fancy meeting you here.

You know, your mother and my mother were both mothers.

Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!

Oh!

What do you think this is? Some boom town saloon?

This is a classy joint.

It is?

Yeah. What are you doing here?

Who? Me? Yeah, you.

What are you doing here?

I'm looking for the mother lode.

What? Do you got rocks in your head?

No, but I got some nuggets in my kit.

Hey, didn't your mother tell you never to play with your nuggets?

No, but she told me this is the place

where all the gold diggers come.

Oh, he didn't mean it. Believe me.

A wise guy, eh?

Why, you...

You're not supposed to duck. Sorry.

They're loving it. Let's keep going.

You see this?

Listen, you!

Hey! Why don't you pick on somebody your own size?

Oh, yeah?

These guys are certifiable.

I've never seen a comic act

that wasn't a nickel call away from the loony bin.

Come on, you.

They loved us. We killed them.

They love us! We're great.

I've never seen so many diamonds and pearls in my life.

I was hoping somebody might toss a tiara our way.

Talk about blue bloods.

I think I'm in love with a rich man's wife.

Keep your eyes in your head, Babe.

Let's see how the chow is in this joint.

Yeah, maybe like mama used to make.

Maybe your mama. Not mine.

Hey, Moe, what do you mean by slapping me like that?

I'm sorry, Babe.

Next time make it harder, so they can hear it in the back row.

Good evening, gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself. Jack Warner.

One of the Warner Brothers?

The Warner Brothers. Enjoyed your act.

Enchanted. Enraptured.

Embalmed.

You fellows under contract to anybody?

They soon will be, Jack, if I have anything to say about it.

The Louis B. Mayer?

The business boys at my studio can have a contract ready for you by morning.

Don't listen to that junk dealer.

Harry Cohn, Columbia Pictures.

Poverty row.

That amount per picture.

Guarantee of one with an option for renewal

for a whole season's worth if we like what we see.

How does that sound?

The hell with you. Typical, Harry.

Somebody pinch me.

Ooh, not there.

Fellas, watch this. Here we go.

Oh, we're gonna be famous!

We're gonna be something!

We're going to be in pictures!

Look at them. Like a bunch of boys.

You think they'll ever grow up?

Sister, I sure hope not.

You know what did it?

Our lucky charm, right?

We're gonna be stars, guys!

♪ We're gonna be famous

♪ We're going to be famous ♪

Leave it running.

What took you so long?

I had them wax it for you.

I'm late.

I'm sorry, Harry.

Hey!

Mr. Howard!

Oh, no.

Mr. Howard.

Oops, sorry.

Please, Mr. Howard.

It'll only take a minute of your time, please.

Somebody help.

Oh, no. No.

Just trying to let you see how much I'd like for you to bug off.

Now beat it. What do you mean?

Ticker's fine, kid. Be even better when I've seen the last of you.

I'm not leaving till I convince the Three Stooges to come back East.

I already told you we're not interested. Now go back to Boston.

I can't. Not without you.

I sort of promised my boss you'd make a personal appearance.

I know... It was the only way I could convince them to buy the shorts.

And what if we don't?

They'll fire me.

You got a lot of chutzpah, kid, I'll give you that.

I wish I could help you, but I can't.

Have you talked to Larry? No!

Could you at least give me his number?

I'm the one that makes the decisions for the Stooges.

Always did, always will!

What are you afraid of?

This kid.

Have you ever died, kid?

Not that I can remember, no.

No? Well, I have.

In Philly, Seattle, Cleveland.

Nobody laughed?

That's right. And it's a lousy feeling when nobody laughs.

See, nobody laughs making pictures anymore.

Now all they make is deals.

Yeah. It was different.

When we first came on to this lot,

everybody was always laughing.

Laughing. Laughing their heads off. Sure.

As long as you're laughing, you still have hope.

I remember the first day we drove through the gate.

And we were here to see the big man himself,

Mr. Harry Cohn.

The Three Stooges to see Mr. Cohn.

Go ahead.

Well, this is it, fellows,

the big time.

Mind your manners.

May I help you?

Yes, the Three Stooges to see Mr. Cohn, please.

Oh, yes. Mr. Cohn's been expecting you. Go right in.

Been waiting for an hour!

Ready, fellows? Here we go.

Excuse me,

we're the Three Stooges. We're here to see Mr. Cohn.

Have a seat. Mr. Cohn will be with you shortly.

When you hear the buzzer, make sure you go right in.

Mr. Cohn doesn't like to have to buzz people twice.

Spread out.

Tell Frank Capra he's only got Claudette Colbert for 21 days,

so he better finish the picture on schedule!

I walked by the writers' building this morning. You know what I heard?

Nothing. I'm paying these monkeys to type. I want to hear typing.

Lean on the bums.

Tell them not to worry about good. Just make it fast!

What do you mean, leaving a light on in your office last night?

Don't lie to me. I saw it.

Hey, who do you think pays the bills around here?

You wanna waste electricity, okay.

Get somebody else's nickel to do it with. You're fired.

Spindle, I've got a report right here from Cap Duncan at the gate,

says you slinked in here at 9:02.

You know the rules. At your desk at 9:00 sharp.

What's the matter, can't you get to work on time?

I'll make it easy for you. You're fired!

Morning, boys. Been waiting long?

No, sir.

Romm, get your ass down here now.

Harry scouts the new talent for us.

That's why you boys are here.

I don't give a damn for small talk, so I'll make it quick.

We'll pay you $1,000 for your first film.

$1,250 for another four.

And $1,500 for two more after that.

If we decide you're Columbia material. That sound okay to you?

Yes, sir, whatever you say.

Good. Get over to the shorts department.

They'll put you to work right away.

Excuse me, sir, did you say shorts?

Yeah.

Well, sir, begging your pardon, sir,

but we were kind of hoping that you'd maybe want to headline us in features.

You guys don't belong in features. You're comics.

Buster Keaton, he thought he belonged in features, now he's working here.

Keaton, Andy Clyde, we got them all working here.

Times are tough. People like to laugh.

At this studio, the shorts pay for the features.

Now get going.

Yes, sir.

Where are they sending us?

I hope you know where you're going, Moe.

I know where I'm going. Here it is.

This is where we're working?

It's like a sausage factory here.

Cohn's just trying us out. He'll give us a break when he sees what we could do.

What's that? What the...

Yank it, Moe, come on.

It's not opening. Give me a hand, fellows. On the count of three.

All right. Here we go. One, two, three.

So, the Three Stooges.

Moe Howard, right? How are you?

What's going on in there? It sounds like murder and mayhem.

Come on in, fellows. Meet your team.

Hey, which one of you guys is murder? Which one's mayhem?

That's Felix Adler and Clyde Brookman. Ace gagmen.

We steal from the best. Each other.

And that's Del Lord, director extraordinaire.

I say action and cut. You guys do everything in between.

My name's Jules White. Technocrap.

Technocrap?

That's right. I take no crap from anybody.

Right up to, and especially including, His Royal Highness and God Almighty, Harry Cohn.

I run this little empire.

It doesn't look like much, but a lot of magic happens here.

Come on, I'll show you something.

This is where we hide the latest secret weapons.

Show them what you got, Joe.

Let me wind it back a little.

Okay. Now watch this.

I like that. That's something.

Oh, I get it. It's sound effects.

This is where all the murder and mayhem comes from.

Right. So why don't you slap him, just like you do in your act.

Only real slow. Just a tap.

Okay.

I like that. That's a good one.

Hit him again. Go ahead.

Give me one, give me one over here. Terrific.

Hey, you hear that?

That's great. It's all in here.

What is this thing?

A Foley board. Named after the guy who invented it.

They use them a lot in radio.

I rigged this one for pictures.

You know what this means, Moe?

I won't have to get a headache all time from you slapping me around.

Oh. When do we start?

6:00 tomorrow morning.

Here we go, fellows.

Ready, boys?

Sure. We're ready if you're ready.

Right this way.

Ready or not, here we come.

Just remember, fellows, we're terrific.

We're colossal. We're even mediocre.

Woman Haters. Scene 3. Take 1.

Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

Spread out.

Hello, Captain. You sent for us? Yes.

How'd you find that patient in 66?

Under the bed.

How'd you find the patient in 72?

Up on the chandelier.

What did you do for him? Nothing.

What did he ever do for us?

What are you working here for?

For duty and humanity.

Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard. Woob-woob-woob-woob-woob!

Here you go. Oh, Limburger.

How are you feeling? All right? You feeling a little dizzy?

Never felt better in my life.

See, I didn't put enough rat poison in his cheese.

Hey, what's the big idea?

What's he think I am? A rat? What about it?

Well, you don't have to tell everyone.

Serves you right. You started everything.

I can't see! I can't see!

What's the matter? I got my eyes closed.

Listen, you... See this?

Come on.

Yoo-hoo!

Dodgie, kiss me.

Darling. Darling.

Colonel, this is Mrs. Dodge, my wife.

Oh, Colonel.

Mrs. Dodge.

Oh!

Pepper.

Gesundheit.

Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!

Rrrowf!

I've never seen anything like him.

The fat one, he kills me.

These guys are making us a bundle.

Fan clubs springing up all over the country.

Theater owners can't get enough of them.

Good. Tell them from now on if they wanna book a Stooge show,

they'll have to take one of the B pictures.

Let's unload some stinkers.

These guys are Columbia's blue-plate special.

Working stiffs who thumb their noses at high society. I like that.

They know how popular they are? I don't think so.

Let's keep it that way. Put them on salary.

They're my own personal National Recovery Act.

And, like prosperity, I want them just around the corner when I need them.

Here we go!

For duty and humanity.

For duty and humanity.

And $750 a week.

That's just for starters.

It goes up every year if they renew the option.

All the way up to 2,750.

Yeah, split three ways.

Go easy on that stuff, Babe.

Why, certainly.

Hey, Moe, you think that's the best deal we could get?

You know what Cohn's like. Take it or leave it.

I don't know. I say we rock the boat a little.

You know, go to some other studios,

see if we can get a deal for some features some place.

Do you know how to swim? What are you talking about?

I wouldn't rock the boat if I were you. Harry Cohn's a pretty tough mug.

A lot tougher than we are.

What do you think, Jerry?

Jerry?

Whatever Moe says is okay with me.

Come on. I feel like dancing.

Me, too. Okay.

Come on, I'll show you the Brooklyn two-step.

What's the blonde's name?

Elaine, I think.

You know you're worth more than the studio is paying you, don't you?

Sure. But what can I do about it? It's good money these days.

Besides, what are these guys going to do with more dough anyway?

They'll just find new ways to spend it.

Your brother do all the thinking for you?

I got better things to do.

Like you, toots.

Anything you want from me, you name it.

Well, I've always wanted a mink stole.

It's yours.

Poor Jerry. He's such a dope when it comes to women.

Some guys are just born saps.

Yeah, and some girls put up with them.

Oh, Mr. Fine, can I have your autograph?

Cut it out.

I wish they'd stop staring at me.

I didn't always look like this, you know. I used to be handsome.

You look pretty good to me.

And how.

Hi, sweetheart. Good evening.

Handle with care.

Hello, Moe.

Helen.

The boys with you?

Hey, Larry.

Who's that guy? Great to see you.

He's nobody.

Whoa. Hey.

I guess you got plenty to celebrate.

Ted...

Hey, I'm not here to fight, Moe.

Let's bury the hatchet for one night. What do you say?

I'm gonna be a father.

Oh, Ted. That's great.

Congratulations.

Here you go.

Come on, Helen, take it.

Good seeing you, Moe.

Hey, here, have a cigar. Help me celebrate.

Have another.

Here. Waiter, there you go. Thanks.

Bartender, drinks for everybody.

I'm gonna be a father.

I know you. You used to be with those guys.

They used to be with me.

Take off your hat.

Now raise your right hand.

Now place your left hand here.

Take off your hat.

Raise your right hand.

Now place your left hand here.

Please take off your hat.

Raise your right hand.

Will you please take off your hat?

Raise your right hand.

Now put your left hand here.

Take off your hat!

Raise your right hand.

Will you get rid of that hat?

Now you raise your right hand.

Do you know what swearing means?

No, Judgie-wudgie, but I know all the words.

Cut. Print. Yes. Take five, everybody.

You may be the brains of the act, Moe, but he's the heart.

Just terrific.

Hey, look what I got.

Excuse me, Mr. Fine.

Sorry so interrupt, but we got work to do.

Listen, Moe, loan me 20 bucks, will you?

I dropped a bundle on this game today.

Is there anything you don't bet on?

Yeah, a winner.

All right. I'll cover you. No problem.

Thanks, Moe. Sure.

What are you doing?

You see, every time I lend you money you forget, right?

And when I ask you for it, you say, "What money? When? Where?" Right. Okay.

Now you won't forget.

Come on, Babe, let's go. We're on.

In a minute.

Look at you. You collect these stray dogs the same way you collect stray women.

At least you don't marry the dogs.

Yeah, the dogs are cheaper.

I bet.

How much dough did you drop on that last tomato?

I'm a victim of circumstance.

Babe, you need to settle down, save your money. Same as me.

Property's a real racket out here, you know.

Maybe if you grew up a little...

Say, Moe...

Just because you're older than me doesn't give you the right to boss me around.

It ain't like in the pictures, you know.

Oh, for crying out loud, Babe.

Would you quit whining? You know I'm just trying to help you, that's all.

Moe, Jerry. Hey, guys.

What's up?

Healy's dead.

Come on. I just heard it on the radio.

He got in a fight last night at the Troc.

It must have been right after we left there.

You know he was drinking pretty heavy.

What a tough break. And he was gonna have a kid.

Nah, Healy ain't dead.

What do you mean he ain't dead?

He's right here.

Oh, that Babe. He was as hard to grab as a rabbit sometimes.

I tried to look after him the way I promised Mama.

I guess I made a mess of that, too.

Listen, kid, I would love to help you out,

but we're old men now. Nobody wants to see us.

I wouldn't be too sure about that. Look.

Oh, no, no, no. I stopped reading the trades years ago.

Oh, I think you'll want to read this.

What do you got here? What is this?

This year alone they're going to make 12 million off the shorts.

Hmm? What do you get out of it?

I did the best I could for you guys.

Oh, yeah. Sure you did.

Moe, Moe, we've been through this.

Your contract is very clear.

I'm not talking about contracts, Harry. I'm talking about respect.

Respect, Harry.

For 20 years you and Cohn have been treating us

like second-class citizens.

Everything you dished out, we took it. And we stayed loyal to you.

And then what do we get? Hmm? The old heave-ho.

Hey, you're forgetting something, Moe.

This studio, it made you.

If it hadn't been for us you'd be...

I'd be exactly where I am!

Toluca Lake ain't exactly Beverly Hills, Harry.

You live fat because we paid for it.

And you're still getting rich off us.

Maybe it's time you showed a little gratitude, Harry.

We deserve better.

We deserve better. And you know it.

You like barbeque, kid? Sure.

Be at my house Saturday, 5:00 sharp. We'll talk.

Okay.

My good people of Moronica,

I am very happy to see this little gathering.

Our motto shall be "Moronica for morons."

Moronica must expand.

We will extend our neighbors a helping hand.

We will extend them two helping hands

and help ourselves to our neighbors.

Kreplach. Kreplach.

Furthermore...

Ja, Mann.

Hallelujah.

Ow!

We will now pause for station identification.

This is N-U-T-S.

When you hear the conk on the dome,

it will be 3:00 Balonia watch time.

3:00 Balonia watch time.

3:00 Balonia watch time.

It must be 3:00.

Cut. Print.

Let's run 'em.

"Take your troops out and burn every book in Moronica."

That's your cue, Babe.

Oh, I'm sorry, Moe. Give 'em to me again.

"Take your troops out and burn every book in Moronica."

Don't worry about it. The words are no cinch for me either.

Another headache? It's nothing.

Ready on the set, fellows. Come on, let's go.

Say, Jules, what do you say we call it a wrap for today?

Babe's feeling a little under the weather.

No can do, Moe. We're behind schedule.

The studio's pushing. I'm sorry.

It's fine. I'm fine, Moe. Are you sure?

Really.

Okay. Okay.

You never know where you're gonna go, do you?

Sure is great to hear those troops laugh, ain't it?

Yeah, well, they got it coming.

How many times we done that routine anyway?

They never get tired of it.

Good thing, too.

These live shows pay three times what we get from Cohn.

You coming?

I'll see you later. Let's go.

Take me to the hottest place in town.

Oh, boy. Don't worry.

He always comes back.

So far.

Come on, let's go.

4:00.

Moe, for heaven's sake, please go to sleep.

Every time we go on the road, Babe goes crazy.

Oh! I try talking to him, telling him things.

He don't listen to me.

It's like I-- I got a little kid here instead of a brother.

That's what I got.

Go back to sleep, Helen.

Where the hell is he?

Swing it!

Hey, this place is a morgue. I said swing it.

I don't believe him.

He's out all night drinking, carousing.

I'll kill him. I'll kill him. I swear to God.

Is that who I think it is? Yeah, I think it is.

Ladies, charmed. It's him.

Room 237, please.

Thank you.

Are you... Certainly.

You ain't gonna smoke that, are you?

Ow!

What are you doing?

Hey, look, a souvenir.

It's me.

You okay, kid?

Get me up.

Shh. It's okay.

Are you all right?

It hurt worse than you, Moe.

Sometimes the fans get a little enthusiastic.

You know that.

I know. But why can't they just mind their own business?

I'm a normal guy just like everybody else.

I'm me, Jerry. Curly's just an act.

Ouch! Sorry.

We got to make allowances, Babe.

I know, but it still hurts.

Jerry's got a point, Moe. You're 46.

How much longer do you think

you can keep knocking each other around?

As long as they're laughing, we could do it forever.

Aw, who am I kidding?

I'm just a cue ball with legs.

Don't talk like that. It's true ain't it?

"Hey, turnip-head," and all them other names you call me.

It's true. Come on, Babe.

That's just in the pictures.

You don't really think I mean that, do you?

I'm sorry, Moe.

I'm sorry I talk that way.

I'm just temperamental. You know me.

Yeah, 95% temperament, 5% mental.

Nyuk-nyuk.

I never know which Curly's gonna show up.

One day he's bouncing off the walls,

the next day a snail could outrun him.

Don't worry. He'll be fine when we're rolling.

I need to get this today.

You'll get it, George. Don't worry.

Places, everybody. Let's take it from the top.

Roll 'em.

Half-Wits Holiday. Scene 7. Take 1.

Action, Bernie.

Hmm.

There is definite evidence of vacancy of the cranium.

Gee, thanks.

Why, these men are morons.

Yeah, but we're organized.

Amalgamated Association of Morons,

Local 6 and 7/8s.

We are morons tried and true.

And we'll do our yell for you.

Cut it. Cut the camera. Babe!

Curly, you all right? Somebody get a doctor, quick!

Oh, Babe. Oh, Babe. Is he okay?

Somebody get some help.

Hurry! Please, get a doctor!

Babe? Babe?

Mr. Howard?

Mr. Howard, please.

I'd like to stick around if it's all the same to you, Doc.

There's nothing else you can do.

Leave your brother to us.

We'll call you if there's any change in his condition.

A stroke.

And all this time I thought it was the booze and the broads.

How could I be so blind?

You said yourself he's a private person.

It's not your fault.

I thought I knew him. I mean, he was my brother.

He--He is my brother.

What did I know, Helen?

I didn't know anything.

You hear that?

Hear what? The ax falling.

I hear Curly fell down on the set.

Ronald says he looked like he went 10 rounds with Max Baer.

The doctors say he'll get better. When?

It's hard to say right now, Mr. Cohn.

Ah.

Moe, Larry, you know I've always loved the Stooges.

The other studios are getting out of the shorts game,

but I've kept you guys in business.

I'm just as busted up about Curly's illness as you are. You know that.

Yeah, sure, Mr. Cohn, we know that.

It's too bad. But let's not be chumps about it.

I want you guys to know,

as long as I'm around,

the Stooges will always have a place at Columbia Pictures. Now get out of here.

Thanks, Mr. Cohn.

Thank you, Mr. Cohn.

Moe, just a reminder,

I'm paying for three Stooges, not two.

Well, it's time to call Shemp.

Fright Night. Scene 4. Take 1.

Action.

All right, lace that glove.

I'm lacing. I'm lacing.

What's the matter, Shemp, you nervous? Just my left hand.

When you hear the bell, you come out fighting.

Any blood, ignore it.

Where are you going, fellows?

Fellows?

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh!

Eeeb-eeeb-eeeb-eeeb!

I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it. Love taps. Love taps.

Hey, look, fancy footwork.

Uh-oh.

Okay, watch this.

There goes Shemp with a left jab.

There goes Shemp with a right uppercut.

There goes Shemp with a haymaker.

There goes Shemp.

And cut.

Great. Wonderful.

Boy, I'm getting too old for this.

Atta boy. Atta boy.

Just like riding a bike, huh?

It's good to have you back. Thanks.

So, I just got to do this till Babe comes back, right?

That's right. All right.

Oh, look at that. Tomato ketchup.

Everybody's rooting for you, Babe.

We're all here for you.

I talked to Larry and Shemp.

We're all pitching in 150 a week to help cover your expenses here.

Brother, Shemp's a trooper, boy.

He complains as much as he used to.

But I think he likes being part of the act again.

And the studio's pinching the pennies pretty hard. Oh, boy.

We're remaking some of our old shorts

with Shemp doing your bits.

That saves them on new footage.

Yeah.

And remember how they used to give us a week, Babe?

Remember that?

They got us knocking them out in a couple of days now.

Oh, boy. I keep asking for more time, but you know Jules.

All about the numbers now.

All about the numbers.

Hey, Babe, there's a...

There's a... Just a little something I need you to read for me.

I need you to take a look at this.

I want you to read this. Not right now.

I'm going to leave it right here with the others.

Don't worry about it.

We need to think about the future, Babe.

I know you'll understand.

We're all hoping and praying to have you back with us

real soon.

Okay, kid.

"Dear Babe,

"in view of the fact that you are no longer able to work as a Stooge

"I will need your signature underneath

"attesting to the fact that you give me,

"as owner of the Three Stooges,

"the perpetual rights to use your face and voice for all future advertising,

"commercial tie-ins, merchandising, and any other venues

"that I see fit for here on in."

Family and colleagues gathered today

to mark the passing of Three Stooges member, Shemp Howard,

who died of a heart attack this week at age 59.

His death, which follows that of younger brother Jerome "Curly" Howard in 1952,

comes as the latest blow to the comedy team

led by surviving brother Moe Howard and partner Larry Fine.

I'm awful sorry, Moe.

Yeah, me, too.

I tell you, though, Shemp, he always gave it everything he had.

But he could never get out of Curly's shadow.

Two brothers in three years.

Sometimes I wonder

if they really believed that tough guy up there on the screen was really me.

Somebody had to pay attention to business.

Think how long you kept the Stooges alive.

But for how much longer?

Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!

Rrrowf! Rrrowf!

Next.

That's wonderful. Thank you very much.

Oh, boy.

Moe, I know how you feel, but we can't keep reusing Shemp's old footage.

You need another Stooge. Besser's good.

Yeah, but DeRita's funnier. Plus his style is a lot closer to ours.

Yeah, but Besser's already under contract to Columbia.

And you know Harry.

Pies and Guys. Scene 23. Take 1.

Action.

Why you...

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

You forgot to duck, silly.

Not so hard.

Crazy.

Crazy? I'll show you crazy.

Stop.

Joe, your line is...

I don't care what my line is.

Cut.

Joe, this shot is the punchline.

I understand.

Good. Now we'll pick it up. Roll the camera.

But I am not taking a pie in the face.

All right. We'll get it in the morning. That's a wrap.

Get Joe DeRita on the phone.

Yes, Mr. White.

See you tomorrow.

What is this?

Two Stooges and a hold-out.

I don't know, Moe. Maybe we're staying too long at the dance.

What do you mean?

I mean it's no fun anymore, Moe.

You know, Besser's no Stooge.

And the pictures pretty much stink, too.

We got a contract, Larry.

Yeah, I'm talking about after that.

I've been a Stooge as long as I can remember.

That's right.

24 years with Cohn. 190 shorts, give or take.

Yeah, and no features. Oy.

The Marx Brothers, Abbot and Costello, Laurel and Hardy.

They all made them. Why not us?

I guess it just wasn't in the cards. That's all.

Would it be so bad if we retired?

Retired to what?

Hey, face it, Moe, we're dinosaurs.

Nobody watches two-reelers anymore. They got television now.

No one would give us a shot at that.

You walk out on the Stooges right now, Larry Fienberg,

and, so help me, I'll murder you. I will annihilate you.

You've been saying that for 30 years. I'm still here.

Yeah, well, I'll say it for another 30 years from the bottom of the Pacific ocean.

From the bottom... Right here, you'll be talking, all right!

What you going to do, you clown?

What? Are you gonna throw me in the water? Yeah? Yeah?

Well, get over here. Come back.

What's with the flag, Ed?

Haven't you heard? Heard what?

Mr. Cohn. He's dead.

Had a heart attack last night in Phoenix.

I guess he was human after all.

Wow.

Well, better pay our respects. I can't let you on the lot.

What do you mean?

The new guys at the front office sent word.

The shorts department is closed.

Closed? And we can't get on the lot?

Sorry, Moe.

Looks like you got your wish.

That was maybe one of the worst days of my life.

Yeah, you thought we were washed up. We were washed up.

Yeah, yeah, we were washed up. Yeah.

That's for you. Specialty of the house.

So, I read the touts and I said to Larry,

Equine Prince looks good in the third at Santa Anita.

But did he listen to me?

Hey, over here with beets.

You know, this summer Americans will spend 3 million hours barbequing.

Get out of here. You don't say.

Read it in a magazine.

Yeah, 3 million hours at the grill and 5 million trying to explain

why it all turned out like Moe's chicken.

I heard that, DeRita. Remind me to murder you later.

Yeah, I'll make a note of it. Yeah, you do that.

So, Moe, these live shows, they could be a real goldmine.

Trust me, the kids are gonna love you guys.

You're like a live-action version of the cartoons they watch on television.

Television. Don't mention that word.

Now, hold on a minute, Larry.

Let's say this kid's right,

and we do have a new generation of fans out there.

If this pans out, this could mean a lot of work.

They got ribbon-cutting ceremonies, and fairs, and shopping centers.

Oh, shopping centers, now. That's nice.

A little overdue recognition, maybe.

We got to show them what we've got.

What you've got is old men's knees and backs.

What he ain't got anymore

is a callous on the side of his face from getting slapped around.

All right.

So what's it gonna be, fellows?

Joe?

Even if you decide not to do it, Moe,

I'll never forget you asked me.

What do you say, Larry?

Go on. You'll just sit around and mope all day.

What the hell?

You're on, kid.

Oh, great. You leave for Boston tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Boston?

All right? Mabel, you step up right there.

Here we go. Here we go. Okay, from the top.

Delighted, Mrs. Gotrocks.

Devastated.

Dilapidated.

What's the matter with you? Easy. Easy.

Not so hard, Moe. It's okay.

Keep going. Okay, okay.

Enchanted, Countess.

Enraptured.

I forget. Oh, for Pete's sake, Larry!

How many times have we done this routine? If I forget. I forget.

I'm sorry. I forget. Embalmed!

Enchanted, enraptured and...

I know it now.

Embalmed. Thank you.

We're supposed to be plumbers pretending to be gentlemen.

See?

He ain't laughing, Moe.

I can see that.

Curly got laughs with that Mrs. Gotrocks routine every time.

Remember? Sure.

I miss him.

I miss him. This whole trip I can't stop thinking about him.

No insult to Joe. I just...

I just wish he was here.

Shemp, too.

We should have said no.

You should have said yes,

and you did.

No would have been easier.

Oh, since when has easy been the first choice for you?

You look like you could use some company.

Mrs. Howard. Please.

I just wanted to say thank you.

Moe talks tough, but if you knew how much this means to them.

What's wrong?

There's something I didn't...

I couldn't... I should tell you.

The shorts didn't even go on the air until tonight.

I tried calling the station when we stopped in Chicago,

but they hadn't got the numbers yet.

Numbers?

What numbers?

Everything in television is numbers. Ratings.

I don't understand.

People are numbers, okay. They count them.

The more people that watch the show,

the more people will be at the theater.

So you don't know...

No.

No. Not until we get there.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Next stop Boston. Boston, five minutes.

Come on in.

You folks ready?

Ready as we'll ever be.

Great. We'll just make the first show. I'll take your bags.

Okay.

Thank you.

Isn't it time you got in character?

Sure.

How do I look?

Great.

What's up, Larry?

Driver, we're running late.

Come on, guys. One of you get in front with me.

Can you take this?

Ladies, get in the back here, thank you.

Hi, driver. Uh, yes... Moe?

Larry. Larry.

All right, girls, we'll see you over there, all right?

Come on, everybody, come on.

Here we go.

What do you say, Tom? Let's go!

Just here. Thank you.

Okay, guys. All right.

Oh, boy.

First class all the way, aren't you, kid?

We really wanted to roll out the red carpet,

but, you know, we're a small station.

Are you guys who I think you are?

That's them, all right.

I thought you were dead.

That's a nice thought right there, hmm?

Look at my hands shake. This is worse than the races.

It'll be fine.

Yeah? You tell them that.

You do realize how much this means to them, don't you, Tom?

Yes, ma'am.

Okay, follow me.

Showtime.

How many seats in this house, kid, huh?

About 800. Oh, yeah?

We used to fill houses twice that size.

Remember that, Larry?

I'll show you to your dressing rooms.

Wait a minute.

Listen to that.

It's a full house.

Looks like Larry and me can go back to room service.

You did good, kid.

That's how we do it.

You make contact with the brow bone, not with the eyes.

Looks real on camera though.

Dressing rooms.

Forget that.

What are we waiting for?

What the hell? Sure.

Spread out.