Original subtitles

How's the market? Not so good.

International Pine Box closed at a new low.

American Tombstone toppled from its high point...

and now the government is threatening to slap a lid on International Casket.

Well, never mind, Grandpa, remember, everything that's down has to go up.

And by the same token, everything that's up has to go down...

which is what keeps Herman in business.

Is Pop home yet? Not yet, dear. But be patient.

He'll be home in two shakes of a werewolf's tail.

And when he does come home, we'll let you know.

Why is Eddie so anxious for Uncle Herman to come home?

Well, because Herman's his father...

and he loves him, respects him, and looks up to him with great admiration.

Yeah, and on top of that...

he promised to stop off downtown and buy me a new kite.

Okay, come on up.

Up: up' up'

(man #1) That's it, higher.

Okay.

Hank, watch out! The rope's gonna break!

Don't move, we'll call an ambulance. Ambulance?

Thank you, you're very kind, sir, but I feel fine.

Impossible, it flattened your head like a pancake.

I don't know what you're talking about. I never felt better.

Mister, don't be so confident. Wait till you look in a mirror.

Just look at him.

We'd better get his name before he kicks the bucket.

I don't know what's keeping him up.

What's your name, mister? My name?

My name is...

My name?

That's funny, I haven't got the vaguest idea.

My name is...

Herman is three hours late. What could have happened to him?

Maybe the store was all out of kites...

and he's too ashamed to face me.

No, he's had an accident.

There's no other explanation. My Hermie has had an accident.

Lily, don't be so pessimistic.

Well, all I know is I wish he'd hurry up and get home to give me my new kite.

Eddie, I wish you'd stop worrying about your stupid kite...

and start worrying about your stupid father.

Eddie, your father wouldn't let you down.

Even if he was lying dead someplace, he'd be thoughtful enough to phone.

8:30 and where's Big Daddy?

8:30, it's time for my favorite TV program.

It's all about that crazy, mixed-up family...

that's always having those weird, fantastic adventures.

(male announcer) We delay the start of Nb; Three Sons...

to bring you this special bulletin.

Local police have taken an amnesia victim into protective custody.

Here is a picture of the amnesia victim.

Anyone who can identify this man...

is urged to contact police headquarters immediately.

Well, that's not John Doe, that's Pop.

[sighs]

Uncle Herman has amnesia. My poor, poor darling.

Lily, be calm. Herman is safe and in good hands.

And you and I will go down to claim him, right after My Three Sons.

No, we won't, we'll go down and claim him now.

Grandpa, you go and get your cloak.

Yes, Professor. Yes, we'll check them both out.

Thank you for being good citizens.

That, Officer Kugel, was the university.

Two of their scientists saw a picture of John Doe on television...

and each got a theory.

One figures he's a creature from outer space.

And the other?

The other figures he's a missing link...

but he can't figure what he's a link to.

[laughing]

Sarge, do you see what I see?

Look at their complexions, they're green. What are they?

I don't know...

but if they were fish, the Board of Health wouldn't let you sell them.

(Sergeant) Good evening, what can I do for you?

Well, you can direct us to the Lost and Found Department.

What did you lose, Pops, your marbles? No.

We lost my husband and his son-in-law, Herman Munster.

Alias John Doe.

A John Doe?

He's ours, and we want him back. Why?

Officer Kugel, shut up and bring in John Doe.

Now, you must remember that amnesia is very delicate.

If you just tell the victim who he is, like a bolt out of the blue...

you're liable to shock him into a psychological trance.

So just wait for him to recognize you.

Okay? Okay,

Sergeant, do you know how he got amnesia?

He got hit on the head with a 300-pound safe.

I see.

Oh, hi.

John, this is Mrs. Munster, and her father.

How do you do? How do you do?

Hi, there. Hi.

Do they look familiar?

I've never seen these people before in my life.

[sighs]

Steady, Lily, be brave.

Are you sure? I'm positive.

I'd remember a cute little cookie like Mrs. Munster.

Okay, Kugel, take him back.

Shall we go? Sure. Come on.

It's been very nice meeting you.

Bye.

Did you ever hear the one about the elephant and the peanut?

I'm sorry, folks. I know you'd like to take him home with you...

but until he knows himself who he is, I can't release him without a court order.

But he's my husband and the father of our child.

We want him home where he belongs.

Well, in view of his condition...

you might try to petition the court for legal custody of the victim.

Adoption approved.

Amy, you're a very lucky child to be adopted by such wonderful parents.

I'm sure you'll be a very happy family.

All right, bailiff, next case, please.

Mrs. Lily Munster...

and John Doe.

Say, excuse me, I'm on.

Give him back his comic books. That's all right, you can keep them.

What a nice kid.

Hello, there.

Good morning, Your Honor.

Good morn...

[clears throat]

Good morning.

This is the child? Well, yes and no.

He's recovering from an accident.

Oh.

Must have been a beauty.

Well, I've had people adopt adults before...

but are you sure you want to adopt him?

Yes, Your Honor, I am.

Yes, you see, Your Honor, she believes that older children...

need love and guidance just as much as younger ones do.

Just a minute, who are you? I'm Mrs. Munster's trustworthy father.

[clears throat]

Wait a minute.

This isn't one of those Candid Camera stunts, is it?

No, sir...

I don't think so.

Well, now, Mrs. Munster, tell me...

have you given this careful consideration?

Yes, Your Honor, I have.

And before you made your final decision...

did you go to the orphanage and see what... who else was available?

No.

No, I took one look at John...

and I knew I couldn't live without him.

Thanks, Mom.

John, tell me, have you thought this thing out?

I mean, do you want to go home with these people...

and become a member of this family?

Can I have my own television set? Of course, John.

You've got yourself a deal.

[clearing throat]

Well...

I see from your financial statement...

that you're able to take care of a ward.

The child is willing.

Okay, the adoption is granted, on a temporary trial basis.

Bailiff, call the next case.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Your Honor, what exactly do you mean by "temporary trial basis"?

Well, if you realize you've made a mistake...

just call me, and I'll see what I can do about getting him in the army.

Look at that, two happy children at play.

Nice catch, brother John. Thank you, brother Eddie.

[grunts]

I think the whole thing is disgusting.

But having Uncle Herman live here is a wonderful idea...

because we can try and help restore his memory bit by bit...

with him living in his own house, with his own family.

Brother Eddie, can I try kicking one? Sure.

Thank you.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Mommy.

Is that my new kite?

Yes, I'm just keeping that promise made by...

somebody else.

Oh, boy. Thanks, Mom.

Mommy...

didn't you bring a kite for me?

No, dear, but I'm sure Eddie will let you fly his.

I don't want to. I just want to fly my own kite.

Well, now, John..

And besides, I think you're playing favorites...

just because Eddie is really yours and I'm just adopted.

John, that's not true. You have to learn to share.

That's right, John, you see, you're not a baby anymore...

you're 150 years old.

Mom, will you get this old geezer off my back?

That is enough, John. Now, run and play with Eddie.

Eddie, brother Eddie, Mommy says I can play with the kite, too.

£J'[scatting]

Did you think he'd remember he promised Eddie the kite?

I had hoped so, yes.

I wonder if that bum could be faking?

Mom, may John and I be excused to go to the dungeon?

What for?

Well, the kite doesn't fly high enough, so we thought we'd put a longer tail on it.

I thought of it. Congratulations.

Well, very well, you're excused.

Finish your milk first.

Last one done is a rotten egg.

Who won, Mommy? It was a tie.

Darn! You're always taking his side.

Come on.

Your elder son is somewhat heavy on his feet.

We adopted him 10 days ago...

and his memory hasn't showed one sign of returning.

Not only is it not returning...

it's going in the opposite direction, into second childhood.

Maybe he could get another hit on the head. That cures amnesia in the movies.

Say, that's a good idea, I'll go down and get a sledgehammer.

No!

Why not? It's too dangerous.

You don't fool around with a head like Herman's.

I disagree.

You give it a few good shots with a sledgehammer...

and whatever happens is bound to be an improvement.

Grandpa, the answer is no.

(Herman) It is not.

(Eddie) It is, too.

It is not. It is, too.

It is not, not, not.

They're fighting.

Marilyn, would you please clear the table, I'll go down and stop them.

I'll go with you.

Now I say that's perfect. Well, I say it's still too short.

It is not. It is, too.

It is not. It is, too.

Is not. ls, too.

Not. ls, too.

It is not. It is, too.

Boys! Now, boys.

[Herman and Eddie arguing]

What is going on here?

I have the kite, we're trying to put... I want to make the kite...

We undid the kite and we... See this side...

Go ahead, you tell her.

Well, you see, I wanna make the kite tail longer, but John won't let me.

He keeps pushing me away.

You should be ashamed of yourself. A big boy like you pushing his little brother.

He pushed me first.

I did not. I did not. Did, too. Did, too.

Be quiet.

That is enough!

Now, if you can't play nicely...

you both just march straight upstairs and take your naps.

You heard your mother, march.

Can we put on ourjammies and watch television?

Well, yes.

Oh, boy, peachy neato boss.

Mummy? Yes?

I just remembered something. You did?

I remembered I keep forgetting to ask you whatever happened to your husband?

Well, he...

He--

Well, he's no longer with us. That's too bad.

I sure would like a papa.

Even Captain Midnight has a papa.

We hope he may come back someday. I certainly hope so.

But if he doesn't...

I'm sure a keen-looking chick like you will have no trouble in finding a new one.

Bye, Mommy.

He has just given me the idea. I'll be able to solve this whole problem.

Will it involve any personal risk? Not to him, just to me.

You're going to give Uncle Herman the shock treatment?

Yes, I'm going to receive a handsome gentleman caller...

and I'm going to let him be very, very attentive to me...

in front of John, I mean Herman...

in the hope that he'll be so jealous that something inside him will snap...

and he'll remember that he's my husband.

I see. Who is this handsome gentleman caller?

Grandpa. Grandpa?

Yes, you see, he's whipping up a pill that'll turn him into...

the spitting image of Rock Hudson.

[crashing on TV]

Eddie, naptime.

Cousin Marilyn will tuck you in.

See you later, Mom. Have a nice nap.

See you, brother John. See you, brother Eddie.

I don't have to take a nap...

on account of he's only 10 and I'm 150 years old.

And because there's somebody coming here that I want you to meet.

Goody.

If I keep my little mouth shut, do I get a cookie?

Never mind that.

[banging on door]

Now, you wait right here. Yes, Mommy.

N'[music playing on TV]

I thought you were coming as Rock Hudson.

You look like Rudolf Valentino.

I must have gotten ahold of some old pills.

At least I'm still in the 20th century.

Good afternoon, sonny. Good afternoon, sir.

[bonging on TV]

This is my son, John. John, this is...

Rudolf Smith.

How do you do, Mr. Smith?

Mr. Smith and I are very dear friends.

As a matter of fact, we're madly in love with each other.

Do you want me to get some cheese dip and pretzels?

No.

When Lily and I are together, we don't think of food.

We think of moonlight and desert breezes...

and soft, soft violins.

Right? Right.

If you don't want some cheese dip and pretzels...

how about some pink lemonade?

[sighing]

Hey, kid, would you hold this for me for a while?

Lily, my Lily...

my fragrant flower of the Sahara.

Those limpid eyes...

those ruby lips pleading to be--

[shouting]

Will you knock it off? I'm sorry.

Well, you should be. Can't you see that I'm about to propose?

Honest lnjun?

Mr. Smith wants to be my new husband.

You see...

he wants me to stop carrying the torch for my old husband...

Herman Munster.

Who? Herman Munster.

She said, "Herman Munster."

Say, listen, can I play with this up in my room?

Rudolph, may as well forget it. It's no use.

Aunt Lily! What's the matter, Marilyn?

It's Eddie. I just went up in the room to tuck him in, and he wasn't there.

He'd opened the window, climbed out on the roof to fly his new kite.

Darn Eddie. Why don't I get to do neat stuff like that?

My baby!

My baby.

[exclaims]

Eddie, go inside! Go inside!

(Marilyn) He's going to fall!

Will you... Be careful, Eddie! Stand back, just move back, Eddie!

Eddie, move back!

(Lily) No!

Eddie, stand back! Your father orders you to stand back!

Now, Eddie, that was a very stupid thing to do.

Now, you go straight to bed and we'll discuss your punishment tomorrow.

Yes, sir.

Eddie.

Now, you run along.

Marilyn, you should not be outside, dear, without your sweater on.

You'll catch cold.

Yes, Uncle Herman.

Grandpa...

I wish you'd get out of that cockamamie costume and that makeup...

before you embarrass us in front of all our neighbors.

He's back.

Lily. Yes, Herman.

Might I say, dear, that you look especially lovely?

[chuckling]

Thank you, my darling husband.

What's this whip doing here? Has Eddie been playing with some big boy?

Yes, Herman, one of the nicest boys I know.

No television for a week? That is correct.

Oh, Pop. Now, Eddie, don't complain.

It's a small price to pay for regaining your father.

Yeah, but I was having fun with him as my brother.

Uncle Herman? Yes, dear.

How would you describe the way you got your memory back?

I'd say...

[clears throat]

I'd say that family, love, and devotion are thicker than amnesia.

Herman, you phrased that beautifully. Thank you.

I did, didn't I?

Where's Grandpa? He's down in the dungeon.

He's been up all night trying to invent another pill...

that will bring him back to normal.

But he's still having trouble.

Good morning.

Well, all right, I'll just have a little breakfast now...

and then I'll go down to the lab and try again.

That might be a very good idea.

[snickering]

Say, Grandpa. Yes?

What's new with Marie Antoinette?

That's very funny.

Very funny.