Original subtitles

[door creaking]

Y oo-hoo!

I'm home.

[Lily chattering]

(Lily) That's what I will do. I'll redecorate.

We sure could use the extra money.

I think it's a wonderful idea.

Then we all agree.

Hi, everybody. Herman's home.

Another thing, having a person here would be a wonderful thing.

I said the breadwinner's here. It'll be a good thing for the whole family.

I'm home! I'm home! I'm home! I'm home! I'm home!

Herman, you're here. Why didn't you let us know?

I was trying... Never mind. What's going on here?

We've decided to rent our guest room.

Lily, dear...

lam head of the house...

and there will be no decision made here without my okay.

The Munsters are not gonna rent their guest room while I'm still boss.

I declare the issue closed!

Whoever we rent it to, I sure hope he's a live one.

[chuckles]

[stuttering]

The head of the house says, "lssue closed." Erased, stricken from our minds!

Oh.

Here's the ad I put in this morning.

Is anyone listening to me? They sure put it in a good spot.

All right. All right. All right.

Nobody here is listening to me...

and if nobody listens to me, I'm gonna storm right up to my room.

What was Herman yelling about?

I don't know. Something about a storm up in his room.

I can't storm right up to my room. I haven't had din-din.

I just can't understand it.

We've had 27 people answer our ad...

and not one wants to come past the front door.

Maybe when they see us all at once, it scares them off.

Grandpa, how could we scare anyone off?

Class, Lily, we're dripping with class. That frightens the common man.

[Spot screeching]

[car honking]

[tires squealing]

[thudding]

What was that?

It's just Spot.

He's chasing cars again, being playful.

I'd wish he'd stop eating those hubcaps.

People will start thinking he's some kind of ajuvenile delinquent.

[Spot screeching]

(Lily) Spot, scat!

Oh, dear, now he's stealing car bumpers.

He can't help it. He has an iron deficiency.

[chuckling]

Look...

it's off that nice Mr. Leonard's car who lives across the street.

[banging on door]

[door creaking]

(man) You have a room for rent? Yes. I mean, it's a wonderful room.

With a northern exposure. I'll take it.

All right, get lost. We've had a lot of bums before you turn us--

You'll take it?

How do you like this guy?

We hit him with all our class and sophistication, and he stands his ground.

What kind of work do you do, Mr... Skinner.

Chester Skinner. I work at night.

And I also have a very unusual, but confidential, occupation.

[sighs]

We would be delighted to have you, Mr. Skinner.

May I show you to your room? Thank you.

If there's anything I can do for you, now you please call me.

Thank you very much.

Is there a phone in here? Yes.

We put one in when we decided to rent the room.

That will save you from running down to the coffin in the hall.

Thanks again. You're welcome again.

[door creaking]

Hello, boss, this is Chester Skinner.

Yes, I have the room.

The landlords are a little strange and the house is like an open grave...

but it's perfect for our operation.

All right. Everything is running smoothly so far.

Good. Check with you later.

[door creaking]

[Spot screeching]

You mean to say our tenant's been with us for two whole days...

and he won't tell you what he does for a living?

That's just plain old sneaky.

Chester. I think he's just wonderful.

Sneaky. Sneaky. Sneaky. Sneaky.

He's so charming, he has such wonderful manners...

and so handy around the house. "Chester's so handy around the house."

Chester sounds to me like a big frump.

When I get home from school, he plays catch with me...

and he helps me with my homework. Frump. Frump. Frump. Frump.

Herman, you are jealous.

Heck if I am. Sure you are.

You're jealous 'cause everybody likes Chester.

I think Grandpa's right, Herman.

I am not jealous.

Why should I care if some...

smooth-mannered, well-talking tenant moves right in...

and tries to take over my image as ruler of the roost.

Chester is not trying to take over, Herman. He's just a nice man.

How nice?

All right, Herman. Not as nice as you are.

That's better.

Marilyn?

You're wonderfully nice, Uncle Herman, in a different sort of a way.

That's what I like to hear.

Eddie?

Chester's cool, Dad, but you're the coolest.

I'll accept that.

Grandpa?

I pass.

Now, I'm warning you, Grandpa. Don't push me too far or you'll be sorry.

I'm liable to storm right up to my room again.

[scoffs]

Good.

Then I'll eat your dessert.

Before I go to work...

I would like to say to everyone that I'm sorry the way I acted last night.

I guess I'm just a silly fool who's starved for affection.

Sensitive... (Marilyn) Poor baby.

Actually, I would like to meet Chester before I go.

I've decided that we should all be adult about this whole thing.

You can't meet him, dear. Poor Chester worked all night.

And he said he wanted to get a good rest...

before he helps me around the house today.

[scoffs]

Fine.

But, let's not get too adult around here.

(Marilyn) Bye, Uncle Herman. Bye, have a nice day.

I'm going to work now.

It's me, old Herman Munster, taking off for the parlor.

Here I go leaving for work. I won't even be back till 6:00...

so I won't be able to see what goes on around here all day.

Even if somebody wanted to steal my wife away...

and alienate my whole family from me, I wouldn't know about it.

'Cause I'll be down at work.

Herman Munster. What are you shouting about?

You'll wake up Chester. Was I shouting?

[door creaking]

Good morning, all.

Good morning. Good morning.

Chester, would you like some breakfast? Fine.

Come sit here, Chester.

[sighing] We have some very tasty owl's eggs and vulture livers.

That sounds fine, Mrs. Munster.

Call me Lily.

The minute my back is turned, he sits down at my place, starts calling my wife Lily...

and she starts plying him with delicacies.

There.

Eddie, as soon as I finish breakfast, I'll walk you to school.

(Eddie) Hey, that'd be just boss, Chester.

He can't leave it at merely stealing my wife...

he's got to play up to my son.

(Lily) Herman Munster... Lily.

Are you spying on me?

Who, me? Yes, you.

You're out here listening because you're insanely jealous of Chester.

Now, Lily...

[chuckles]

How could you say such a thing, dear?

You know I never get emotional, fly off the handle...

or lose my control.

[chuckles]

I'll kill him, I'll kill him, I'll kill him, I'll kill him.

Herman Munster, you stop that this instant...

and you go to work.

[deep voice] Hello, Mrs. Munster.

This is your friendly national television survey.

We were just wondering if you were watching Peyton Place.

It isn't on now. I see.

Are you, by any chance, acting out your own Peyton Place?

Herman Munster, is that you?

[normal voice] No, it's not me, dear. It's a total stranger.

Herman, why are you checking up on me?

[stammering]

[deep voice] This is your friendly national television survey

signing off.

Friendly national television survey.

[sighs]

Herman, what are we--

What are we sneaking around outside Chester's door for?

He just drove down to the store on an errand for Lily.

And if he's gonna run off with my wife...

I want to make sure he's a man of principles.

[rattling]

Herman, allow me.

[creaking]

Look.

[snickers]

Well, what do you say now?

Herman, it's probably just a cigarette lighter.

Oh.

I don't think so.

Let's see. What else have we got here?

TWO cameras, a map.

Grandpa, this smells like big time syndicate stuff to me.

You know that fellow always had a definite air of banditry about him.

And to think that Lily is replacing...

a loyal and faithful husband with a cheap gangster.

Herman, I hate to agree with you, but this bum...

is on the wrong side of the law.

[thudding]

[scoffs]

Grandpa, this is more incriminating evidence.

That dirty crook, Chester, is spying on our neighbors.

(Grandpa) Hey, he got these things trained...

on Mr. Leonard's house.

Since when did Mr. Leonard start in the fur business?

Mr. Leonard likes to change jobs a lot.

He says it keeps him free from the pressures of society.

[scoffs]

Wait a minute. I've got it.

That rotten little Chester is spying on our poor Mr. Leonard...

so he can steal all his furs.

Herman, you are right. That's why Chester rented this room.

So he could case Mr. Leonard's house across the street.

(Lily) Herman Munster.

Are you looking at Mrs. Kelly doing her deep knee bends again?

Nothing of the kind, dear.

And I would suggest for your safety...

that you, Marilyn, and Eddie go to the movies.

What?

Some irregularities in conduct have cropped up in your...

gigolo star boarder Chester. Yeah, the bum's a crook.

What are you two talking about? Lily, dear.

There's going to be a showdown between the forces of virtue and the forces of sin.

Just like in Dick Tracy.

[laughs]

Hey, everybody, Spot's been chasing cars again.

And he's eating a little Italian sports job out in the front yard...

and the guy who was driving it is really mad.

Eddie, you go down and tell Spot that if he eats any more cars...

we'll rub his nose in the transmission.

Eddie, Eddie, never mind that, son.

I'm counting on you to take the womenfolk away from the house...

before the showdown. What's Dad talking about, Mom?

Your father and Grandpa have some silly notion...

that Chester is some kind of gangster or something.

Precisely right. A gangster.

And that's why you want to run away with him.

I'm just a plain, ordinary guy...

but he's different, thrilling, dangerous.

And you want to be his gun molly.

You are just plain jealous.

Come along, Eddie, Marilyn. We're going shopping.

Herman, I'm sick and tired of you doubting my love.

Jealousy has turned you into a suspicious and mistrusting creature.

You're perfectly welcome, Mr. Leonard.

I was happy to give you this timely warning.

Hey, that was that goofball Munster on the phone.

Must have rented his room to a cop who's been spying on our operation.

[scoffs]

Munster thinks he's a crook trying to get a hold of our furs.

Boys, we gotta start packing up and get out of here in a hurry.

On the double.

[laughing]

Herman, this time I've outdone myself.

I've created the perfect trap here to nab that dirty crook Chester.

[laughing]

Now, first I show Chester a card trick.

Very cleverly...

I get Chester to select the card with the cord attached to it.

Now, when the cord is pulled, this activates the blowtorch.

Come on.

It burns through the rope holding the battle ax...

What battle ax? That battle ax.

Here's where the anvil comes in. What anvil?

That anvil.

I don't think you have all the bugs worked out of your crook trap yet.

Herman, you ninny, you were standing in the wrong place.

The anvil hits the couch...

which sends it flying into the air like a seesaw...

sending Chester flying through the air...

down the trap door into the dungeon...

where you are waiting.

Goody. Goody. Goody. Goody.

And then once we get him tied up down there, you know what I'm gonna do?

What? I'm gonna talk mean to him.

Herman, will you pipe down. Now let's reset the trap.

[footsteps approaching] Oh, boy, this is gonna be real boss.

That's got to be Chester now and we're gonna catch him in our crook trap.

I wish Lily was here to see us in action.

Will you cool it? You're gonna blow the whole setup.

[creaking]

Hello, Chester, come right in. Come right in.

Hello, Grandpa. Very nice seeing you.

I know you're tired, you've come home from work...

[laughing] sit right down here.

I've got a little card trick I'd like to show you.

I think I've got to get up to my room. Chester, you can't...

Please. You wouldn't deny an old man, now, would you?

Go ahead, pick a card.

All right, Grandpa, I'll pick a card. Boy, is he gonna get it.

[whooping]

Bull's-eye, Grandpa.

Okay, how does that grab you? You dirty crook, Chester.

[laughing]

Herman, don't bug Chester.

He's gonna be tied up down there for a while.

[yelling]

[grunting]

[yelling]

Just think of us, Grandpa...

[creaking] heroes on the side of law and justice.

[creaking] Now we call the police and turn him in.

Maybe, we'll get a reward and everything.

[phone ringing]

What if it's Lily?

Wouldn't it be groovy to tell her...

that her Prince Charming is nothing but a rat fink crook?

Hello, Lily?

I'm sorry, sir. I thought you were my wife.

No, I'm sorry. You must have the wrong number.

I don't know of any Lt. Skinner.

Skinner?

Skinner? That name sounds familiar.

Isn't that the last name of our star boarder?

You know, I think you're right. But Lt. Skinner...

Maybe, he's a Lieutenant in the Air Force or something.

No, he's not the up-in-the-air type. Well?

Could he be a lieutenant in the Salvation Army?

Lieutenant Governor? Don't be silly.

The only other kind of lieutenants are... Police lieutenants.

Police lieutenants. Police lieutenants.

You know something, Grandpa?

If you were a cowboy...

I'd say you just said a very discouraging word.

Oh.

Hi, dear.

[laughs]

Herman, what's going on? You have a funny look in your eye.

Well, dear...

Grandpa and I have something to tell you. What is it?

Tell her, Grandpa.

Not for a million dollars. Uncle Herman, what is it?

We have a cop tied up in the dungeon.

What cop? Our star boarder, Chester.

Oh, no.

What are we going to do about it, Lily?

I don't know what you're going to do...

but I'm going down and untie that poor man.

And then I'm going to try to explain to him that you are nothing but a dumb...

stupid, foolish, knot-headed nitwit. Yes, dear.

Oh, oh, oh, dear, if you have any trouble convincing him...

I'll come right down and help you.

No!

One lump or two? One, please.

[sighs]

You see, my husband had no idea that you were a police officer.

I do hope you'll forgive him. Well, I'd like to.

But, after all, he did let that fellow, Leonard, get away.

And he and his gang are some of the biggest fences in the country.

[tut-tutting]

Y oo-hoo!

We're home.

(Lily) Herman, what have you done now?

We've captured the fur thieves.

That's Leonard and one of his boys. How did you do it?

Just used the old noodle.

You see, the other day our pet Spot...

stole the bumper of Mr. Leonard's car.

[chuckles]

I just let him sniff it and told him to go fetch...

and good old Spot nailed their car before it got halfway down the block.

That's great. It's too bad you couldn't nab the other two, though.

I think you'll find that Spot's detaining them right outside.

Take a look out here.

[door creaking]

[Spot screeching]

(Lily) Good boy, Spot.

As they say on Perry Mason...

I guess that wraps up another case.