Original subtitles

Lily, I think Eddie's home from school.

His books just came in.

I hate the whole world.

I'll never talk to anyone again.

Never, never!

Never, never, never, never!

Herman.

Herman.

Oh, Herman, what's happened? Where's Eddie?

Lily dear, I don't want to come to any hasty conclusions...

but I think our little boy is rather upset.

Really, Herman.

Tea anyone?

I'm worried. It must be something serious with Eddie.

He didn't even come down for supper.

I say it's the modern way of living.

When I was his age, a kid would go out in the back...

dig in the dirt and bury his frustrations.

Well, something's bothering him.

Maybe our little Eddie has found out about the birds and the bees.

I know I didn't sleep for two weeks when I found out that their making honey...

was just a sideline.

There's something wrong all right.

I just knocked on Eddie's door and he howled at me.

Oh, my.

That is a bad sign.

He usually doesn't howl until the moon comes up.

Herman.

Herman, as head of the house, I think you should get to the bottom of this.

Now, you go right on upstairs and have a father-and-son talk with your boy.

My gosh, Lily, I'm not very good at that, you know, dear.

You're his mother.

Why don't you go up and have a father-and-son talk with him?

No. A thing like that is up to the father.

Anyone who's watched Father Knows Best for nine years

ought to know that.

All right, but Donna Reed always handles these things on her show, you know.

Oh, I don't know what you are all worried about.

In my time, when I was his age...

all us Draculas were spoiled rotten.

Well, Grandpa, all children can't have the advantages we had.

Eddie, are you in there?

Eddie, don't use that tone of voice with me.

This is your father. Now open the door.

Thank you. Now, Eddie.

I have come up here so that we might have a little father-and-son talk.

Why don't you come right over here and sit down?

Fine.

Now, what seems to be the trouble?

They sent me home from school today with a note from my teacher.

I see, and what have you done with this note from your teacher?

I ate it.

That was very naughty of you.

You know that we do not like you eating between meals.

I'm sorry.

Now, let me see.

If you came home with a note from your teacher...

we can safely assume that there was some trouble.

Hmm?

Hmm.

And trouble usually involves poor academic performance.

Viz., to wit, and ergo, you failed arithmetic.

No, sir.

History? No, sir.

Citizenship? No, sir. I flunked tonsils.

Aha!

You see, my boy.

You should not have taken the course in the first place...

if you did not think you were up to it.

No, Pop, my tonsils.

The school nurse looked in my mouth and said I had crummy tonsils...

and I ought to have a doctor look at them and they might have to come out.

I don't want them to come out, 'cause they're the only ones I got.

Now, now, now, Eddie.

Having your tonsils out is a very minor operation.

There's nothing to it.

They'll have them out as fast as you can say Jackie Robinson.

Are you sure, Dad?

Sure, I am sure. Your old dad has learned never to get upset or emotional...

over minor medical matters.

Now, just open up your little mouth and let your old dad have a look-see.

Tonsils.

Mom! Grandpa!

Pop hit the deck, right in the middle of our father-and-son talk.

3:00 and all's rotten as usual.

Oh, 3:00.

I just hope Herman gets Eddie to the doctor's in time for his appointment.

It doesn't pay to neglect a boy's tonsils.

But what do you need with a doctor? I could have taken care of it.

You? Sure.

When I used to fly around in Transylvania...

I was one of the busiest throat specialists in the country.

Oh, now, there was a business a fellow could sink his teeth into.

You know, that Dr. Willoughby is a good doctor.

But I wish he wasn't so nearsighted.

Last year, when Herman broke his leg skiing...

he came here on a house call and he put a splint on Herman's bedpost.

Well, let's take a look at his tonsils, all right?

Now, my boy.

Now, just open wide like this.

Ah!

That's it.

Say, that's the worst looking set of tonsils I've ever seen.

And look, why, there's a little hole in the back of them right there.

We'll have to sew that up immediately.

Doctor, you're looking at your own tonsils in the mirror.

Huh? Ooh!

They used to yell at me about that at Johns Hopkins all the time.

We might as well take his temperature.

It never hurts to do that, you know.

After all, he might have a fever.

Here, this isn't going to do your throat any good, smoking cigars.

Now, where is that thermometer?

It's right there in your pocket.

Yes, of course.

My goodness.

Slippery little rascal, isn't it?

Why, you have no temperature at all. You're not sick.

But let's have a look at those tonsils anyway.

Now, just open up, please.

What is he saying, Mr. Munster?

He says he won't open up his mouth.

And that you're a ratfink doctor.

We won't have any of that.

Come on now, junior, open up your mouth and I'll give you a lollipop.

Would you get him to open his mouth, Mr. Munster?

If I do, will you give me a lollipop?

I'll give you a hit in the head if he doesn't open his mouth soon.

I'll tell you that.

You heard him, Eddie.

Now, open up your mouth for the nice ratfink doctor.

Well, okay.

You're a kind boy.

The kind I don't need.

Let's see, there.

It's dark in there, all right.

Just a moment.

Do you see his tonsils, Doctor?

I see a lot of goodies.

That pancreas is real boss.

But those tonsils will have to go.

I'll get him to a real tonsil man. It won't hurt him a bit.

He'll only have to spend a few days in the doctor place.

Shucks, I'll miss being in the school play this Saturday.

I was supposed to play the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood.

I've been practicing my howl all week.

Now, now, Eddie. I'm sure the doctor knows what's best.

Yes. Before you leave, Mr. Munster...

would you care to have a look-see?

Do I have to?

Why not?

After all, you wouldn't be squeamish...

about looking at a silly little old tonsil, would you?

No, I guess not.

Hit the dirt! Earthquake! Every man for himself!

Eddie's tonsils came out with no trouble at all.

Yes.

And when we left him in the hospital...

he was sitting up in bed eating ice cream.

You see, Herman, I told you it was no big deal.

You stayed home and hid in the closet for nothing.

Come on, let's go right down and see him.

Herman, Dr. Willoughby thought it best if you didn't go and see him.

But why not? I'm his dad.

You see, dear, he explained to me that he didn't want you...

walking into Eddie's room and upsetting him...

by crying and screaming and fainting and all that.

The medical term he used was "going ape."

What are they talking about?

Why shouldn't we go down there and see him?

Do they think that a man of my background...

is going to faint at the sight of blood?

I'm sorry, but that's doctor's orders.

You'll see Eddie tomorrow.

They just don't want you down there tonight.

Come on, Marilyn. Good night, Grandpa, Uncle Herman.

All right, Herman. What are you going to do now?

I guess I'll just go upstairs and put on my Al Jolson record of Sonny Boy...

and cry myself to sleep.

No, you won't.

We're going to go down there tonight and see that boy.

Lily might found out and she might yell at me...

and not make me my chocolate-chip cookies...

and all sorts of mean stuff like that.

Lily won't know. We'll sneak out of the house later.

And when we get to the hospital, we'll surprise everybody.

You know, for a rotten old father-in-law, you're really a fun guy.

Grandpa?

Grandpa, I can't see.

Give me a hand.

Come on along, come on.

Watch it. Sorry, fella.

Wait a minute. There is Eddie's woof-woof.

Let's take it to him.

Just checking, Herman.

Excuse me, lady. Could you help us?

You poor man. When did it happen?

Just this afternoon.

Oh, dear.

You should have brought him in sooner.

I would have, but his wife wouldn't let me.

You just stay right there and I'll get a couple of attendants.

They certainly give very fine service here. We don't need any attendants.

Eddie is in 517. We can find it by ourselves.

Come with me.

We'll take the elevator to the fifth floor.

The equipment must be faulty.

Come on, we'll have to take the stairs.

I don't see him. He was standing right here.

If he's as bad as you described, he couldn't have gone very far.

The two of them were unbelievable.

I must have been seeing things.

Miss Hazlet, I think you've been working too many nights.

Hermy.

Marilyn!

Marilyn, come here!

I thought it felt like he needed a haircut.

What is it, Aunt Lily? Look.

Herman has flown the coop.

Oh, dear. Now, where could he go at this hour of the night?

I don't know.

Unless he went to the Theda Bara Film Festival at the all-night movie.

Now there, Aunt Lily.

Underneath it all, you know that Uncle Herman is really good...

and kind and true.

You're right, dear.

But I just wish he wasn't such a goofball.

"No visitors after 8:00. Authorized personnel only."

Darn!

I guess we'll just have to go home without seeing Eddie.

Now, Herman. Listen, what's it gonna hurt if we sneak in and see Eddie?

But, Grandpa, the doctor might see us.

And he might get angry.

And I don't want to run into any more mad doctors in my lifetime, thank you.

Okay, we'll use subterfuge.

Instant authorized personnel. I'm a doctor.

What about me?

I got it. Come with me, Herman.

Just lie down.

But, Grandpa...

Please, would you listen to me? Now lie down, please.

Get yourself nice and comfortable.

Tuck you in.

There. Now...

just lie still, and I'll wheel you right into Eddie's room.

Wait a minute. Where are you going?

I'm going to sneak around the corner and see if the coast is clear.

Now, you just lie there and be still.

Those careless orderlies.

They left another emergency patient lying around out here.

Herman.

Herman.

Herman.

Herman.

Herman.

Doctor, this was out in the hall.

The boys probably went on their coffee break. Well, let's have a look at him.

I'm afraid we're too late with this one.

Doctor, this is the man who came in here a few minutes ago.

That's me all right. He's alive!

You've got to be kidding.

I just came in to see my boy who had his tonsils out today.

Listen to that, Doctor, he's delirious.

Now, just take it easy, fellow.

Were there any other survivors? I don't know.

We better give him a shot to calm him down.

Good idea. But I...

Just relax, sir.

Now, just a minute.

Not making those needles like they used to.

I tell you, I just came in to see my little boy.

Now you guys, cut this out.

Herman?

Here, Herman.

Doctor, what's the matter? I lost a patient.

Look, you don't tell on me, I don't tell on you.

Herman.

But I tell you, I am not an accident victim.

I'm not! I'm not! I'm not!

I'm just an ordinary average citizen and I want to get out of here.

Give him a shot of gas, so we can at least calm him down enough to examine him.

Gas, but I am trying to tell you... Just be careful.

Breathe out and breathe in, please.

First time I ever saw that happen. Keep feeding it to him.

We better scrub up and then get the chief resident, Dr. Monroe.

Will the gas have any ill effects, Doctor?

No, it's just nitrous oxide.

He'll wake up feeling happy as a lark.

They used to refer to it as laughing gas.

That's fine. Come on.

Herman.

Herman!

Herman.

What are you doing here? This is the emergency room.

What are they doing to you?

Darn, he's asleep.

Come on, Herman, you've got to get up. I have to get you out of here.

All right now, iddy-biddy-widdle-Herman.

It's time to get up.

Grandpa's going to take you, bye-bye.

Oh, boy, bye-bye.

Where on earth can Herman be?

Why would he sneak out like this without telling me?

Maybe he felt depressed and couldn't get to sleep.

He might have taken a walk in the cemetery, that usually cheers him up.

I get so mad at him when he pulls something stupid like this.

But he is a good father and a good husband.

Conscientious, sober...

What's that?

That sounds like some tanked-up playboy to me.

♪♪

Marilyn, that tanked-up playboy is your Uncle Herman!

♪ Darling, I am growing old ♪

♪ Silver threads among the gold ♪♪

Hey, Grandpa, this is neato.

Listen, sweetie, you got great place here.

I hope we are not too late for the floorshow.

Herman Munster, tonight of all nights...

with your son lying in the hospital.

How could you come home in this condition?

I'm not in this condition, I'm just full of gassing laugh.

Uncle Herman.

To see you now, no one would ever think you were a charter member...

of the Pat Boone Fan Club.

Now, listen, he's just full of laughing gas.

Be quiet!

When we sneaked into the hospital to see Eddie...

the doctors thought he was a patient.

Herman, is this true?

Sure it's true.

And if it hadn't been for this friendly little penguin here...

I never would have made it home. Thank you, little penguin.

♪ Red sails in the sunset ♪

♪ Away up in the blues ♪

Wait, that's not the words.

Uh... ♪ Darling, I am growing old ♪♪

So you see, Eddie, like I told you from the beginning.

Having your tonsils out was nothing to worry about at all.

Gee, no, Pop. They were real nice to me in the hospital.

They let me crank the bed up and down...

and eat ice cream and watch television.

Wasn't that nice? Yeah, and you know something?

On daytime television, they have the re-runs of the late, late show.

You know, Eddie, I still have my original tonsils.

The first time the doctor looked at them, he said:

"My boy, you'll carry those tonsils with you to your grave."

And he was right. I've done it many times.

Pop, would you like to look at my tonsils?

Oh, uh...

Well, I can't. The doctor took them out, down at the hospital.

Sure, but I brought them home in a jar. I'll go get them.

Son!

"Brought them home in a jar." Now, isn't that cute.

3:00, and the knucklehead is still out of tune.