Original subtitles

Thank you.

years, and now it's gone.

Let me guess, your short -term memory.

My short -term memory?

Please, my short -term memory.

Who's the Mexican?

Sophia, what's gone?

My purse. My purse is gone. Stolen by some thug. All right, all right. Now

us what happened.

I'll tell you what happened. The economy gets bad. The people get hungry. They

resort to carjacking.

Carjacking? Oh, yeah.

I borrowed your car.

So they stole my car?

With my purse in it. The cops say they could be anyplace because I had a full

tank of gas.

You filled a tank?

Oh, yeah.

I borrowed your credit card.

I can't believe this. I better call the insurance company.

Yeah, we should do something about this.

Hey, you know what? Maybe I should teach you a self -defense seminar.

I'm a blue belt in Taekwondo.

A blue belt?

Yeah. You know, I could teach you some maneuvers. You could invite some of your

friends over. I'm not great or anything.

Terrific. A guy is coming at me with a gun and I can moon him.

How do I look?

Fine.

Fine? I spent three hours getting ready. Surely you can do better than that.

I was thinking the same thing about you.

Roland, how do I look? You look nice.

Nice? Rose, tell them how I look.

Like a glimmering jewel.

a perfect diamond in a field of darkness, flawless, spectacular, and

Thank you, dear.

You're new to our little game.

I had better look my best because tonight I have a very big date with

I don't know if I mentioned it, but Bobby Lee is a cattle baron from Austin.

Well, he is a cattle baron from Austin.

And I have a feeling he's going to ask me a special question tonight.

Oh, yeah?

I assumed you were going out with him because it's your birthday tomorrow.

Oh, wait, so that's why Rebecca's coming in. Yeah, that's right. Daughters just

love to come watch their mothers get older.

Oh, honey, I'm sure she's coming to watch you get fatter, too.

Well,

I had a great time, as usual.

Blanche, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. I'm 42 years old.

Yeah, you mentioned that.

So that means you were born in? Atlanta.

Sit down for a minute, would you, darling?

No, what I wanted to ask you is, look, Blanche, I've been a bachelor too long.

And shoot, you know, we laugh at all the same things. We have so much fun

together and we understand each other. And I don't know, maybe it's time to

settle down.

I think maybe it is. So, I don't know how else to ask this.

Blanche, I want you to be my wife. Oh, Bobby Lee!

And bear my babies.

I just don't know what to say, boy.

I want you to have my kids.

Oh, my God.

Now, believe me, I know I'm not a young man, and I know your biological clock is

ticking. Tick -tock.

So this is something I want to do right away.

Well,

Bobby Lee, there is something I have not been totally honest with you about.

Well, it seems that I'm... I know you're not 42 years old, Blanche.

I'm 46 years old.

Blanche.

All right, I'm even older than 46.

Blanche, I don't care if you're 56. I'm not. I swear I'm not.

Blanche, I'm not looking for a 30 -year -old wife. I want to be with you.

And what I'm talking about is not impossible.

You know, I've been a cattle rancher all my life.

And if there's something I know about, it is breeding.

So let's just let those doctors do all the worrying.

You just tell me that you want to have my children.

Oh, I do, Bobby Lee Taggart. I do.

Good morning, everybody.

I have an announcement to make.

Come on.

Listen.

Bobby Lee has asked for my hand in marriage.

And I accept it. You did? I did.

I don't know what to say. I do.

Congratulations. Wait a minute. Wait, there's more.

He also asked me to have his baby.

And I said yes to that, too.

You did?

I did.

I don't know what to say.

I do.

You're old.

She's a fossil.

I am not.

Oh, please.

Come on, Blanche.

Sophia exaggerates, but she does make a point.

I think it may be too late in your life to have a baby.

I mean, don't you think maybe that ship has sailed? That ship has sunk.

Blanche. This is because you lied about your age, isn't it? No.

Well, now, at first I thought it was, but then Baba Lee told me about this

grandmother in California that just gave birth to twins.

Her husband fertilized the egg of another woman, and then they implanted

her uterus.

Men.

Blanche, I don't know why you're doing this. I'll tell you why she's doing

This is all because of her birthday.

Every year you try harder to stay younger. That's exactly why you're

pregnant. This is not about my birthday, Rose.

It's because I have met a man I really care about, and I owe it to him to try

this. Yeah, but if you want to have a baby, Blanche, at least try to talk to

about adoption.

Yeah, all right. I suppose that's something we could consider.

Besides, where are you going to find an egg?

It has to be a human one, right?

I'm going to give birth to an eight -pound hamster.

Oh, good luck trying to get that into a decent college.

Okay, we're going to learn some basic protective techniques. Now, did you

for instance, that anything in your purse can be used as a weapon?

I know, it sounds impossible.

Who threw the estrogen?

Come on, tell me. We're not moving on until somebody tells me.

Did you see who threw this, sir?

I am not a sir.

Do yourself a favor.

Okay, before we get started, let's get to know everybody.

Ma 'am, could you come up here?

Okay,

what's your name, ma 'am?

Sylvia. Sylvia. And why did you take this class?

Well, my husband worries about me. I go on the bus and he says it's too

dangerous.

My husband says that I'm frail and old and just asking for trouble.

And what is your specific goal with this course?

I'd like to put the bastard through a window.

I'll get you ready for the combat part of the seminar.

And playing our attacker today is Mr. Chewy Castillos.

Now, Chewy exaggerates a little bit

because a real attacker usually approaches more cautiously. They might

for the time or ask for directions.

Now, there's two rules to remember.

Number one is volume.

Don't be afraid to make a lot of noise. And number two.

Never stop walking. If you stop walking, you're going to be a victim.

Okay, let's get started. We're going to learn some basic techniques.

Are your pads in place?

Hey, relax.

I'm the Michelin Man.

I've got everything covered but my shins.

It was horrible. All these old hands coming at me, trying to rip

off a piece of me.

Hi.

Will, hi.

he go?

Well, Bobby Lee has no interest in adoption whatsoever. He wants children

own. Well, you're just going to have to tell him no.

I mean, where are you going to find an egg?

I mean, it has to be someone you're close to.

It has to be someone whose medical history you know.

And it has to be somebody who'll let you raise the baby.

Mama!

Oh,

look, it's Rebecca.

Now, Mama, before we do anything else, I've looked and looked, and I can't find

a birthday present for you. So don't make me guess. Tell me what you want.

anything, and it's yours.

Oh, honey, material things don't matter. It's what's inside you that counts.

glad your girls are still up. I need some advice.

Don't wear puff sleeves.

Make sure you look like Babe Ruth in drag.

Now, get this.

I asked Rebecca to help me have this baby. She said she needs to think about

Can you believe her?

Well, look, you can't get upset at Rebecca. I mean, this is a big thing.

Maybe she doesn't have an egg to spare.

Oh, please.

The woman's an Easter bunny.

No, she will turn me down because she thinks I ought to act my age.

But damn it, I'm not old, and I don't feel old.

You ought to feel under your neck.

Mama, there you are.

Listen, I've been giving this a lot of thought.

And I really don't think this is a good idea.

Pregnancies can be very complicated, and at your age... Rebecca, don't you

lecture me now. I didn't come down to lecture you, but have you thought about

how you're going to raise this baby? The same way I raised you, I'll get good

people in.

Mama, you're not helping your argument here.

Anyhow, you know I don't think this is a good idea, but if you're really so sold

on it, I'll try to give you what you need.

Rebecca!

Wonderful. But no matter what you say, you're not a young woman.

Now, are you sure you can deal with a little person yelling and screaming at

three in the morning because she needs to be burped?

I only do that on sausage night.

Oh, good, you're up. I can't sleep.

Excited about the big birthday?

Damn it, Rose, I told you not to talk about my birthday.

I'm not talking about your birthday. I'm talking about Junior's birthday.

I'm pregnant?

I don't remember getting pregnant.

and two eggs?

You got pregnant, too?

What was your idea? You said anybody could do it.

I guess I forgot about all the other stuff. I mean, the morning sickness and

varicose veins and the cravings.

You know what I crave most?

What?

Revenge. Hey, how could you do this to me? Wait a minute, it wasn't my fault.

How could you do this to my back?

Yeah, you would think by now they would have come up with something to take the

strain off our backs.

pregnant. I shook hands with Warren Beatty.

You took me to have an egg implanted. I did?

Anyway, it must be nice having wheels.

It's nice, but you know what would be better than wheels?

Brakes. Brakes. Somebody stop me. Somebody stop me. Stop me. Somebody stop

Let's sit at home. Let's sit at home.

and there's good news.

It's a boy. Oh.

And he's 35.

And he's a dentist.

Hey, congratulations.

Here, have a toothbrush.

Boy,

I tell you, this baby has me a little queasy. Me too.

Want to feel a kick? Sure.

anyone can get pregnant. I didn't mean everyone.

Now she tells us. What do you mean?

Oh.

I am so

ugly.

No, you're not, Roland. Yes, I am. I'm fat and I'm ugly. I hate myself. I hate

my face. I hate my...

But what I hate most are these damn mood swings.

Blanche didn't tell you about that.

And she also didn't tell you you're going to have to give up sleeping on

stomach. I'd give anything to sleep on my stomach. Well, that's not my fault.

It's not like there's anywhere else you can carry a baby.

This just isn't right.

I'm so sorry, everybody. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Honey, wake up. Wake up, sweetie. It's a dream.

Oh, it is?

Uh -huh. Oh, thank God.

Oh, Rose, I think I forgot what it was like to be pregnant.

Oh, I don't think I can do this. What if I never get my body back?

Oh, you'll get your body back.

It'll just be all stretched out of shape.

Excuse me, I'm looking for a Sophia Petrillo. Does she live here? That's her

purse. Where did you find that?

I'm the parking valet at the hotel next door. She left her car with us

yesterday.

She valet parked the car.

Hey, that's my purse.

Have you had a chance to talk to Bobby Lee?

No, no, not yet. Oh, here he is now.

Oh, Rose, I don't think I can do this. Well, honey, now, you have to. You just

have to, and I'll be here for you. I'll be sticking right by your side.

I'm glue, baby. I ain't going anywhere.

Hey, a dime!

Hi,

Bobby Lee.

Hi, Blanche.

Honey, listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. Yeah?

It's, uh...

It's about us having a baby, Bob Lee.

See, I just don't think that... Blanche, I know what you're worrying about, and

I just want to tell you we've got to take the bull by the horns and just face

it, it's true.

It's true?

Then you mean you think that I'm too... I'm sterile. I can't get you pregnant.

Oh,

Bob Lee.

Yeah, I went and got... I tested today and I got a really low sperm count. But

it's not because I'm old. I'm not old. I'm not old either. No.

So I guess you never want to see me again, huh?

Well, honey, of course I do.

But we don't have to rush right into marriage either.

Maybe we just ought to face the fact that we're... that you're approaching

middle age.

But hey, we can still have fun together.

That would be wonderful.

Oh, no.

Boy...

And to think that I got a whole freezer full of bull sperm at home.

Well, water, water everywhere, huh, Blanche?

I'll call you later, darling. Okay.

Well,

where is he? I want to meet the man that's going to marry my mama and father

baby.

Well, it turned out that he was too old. He was too old. All right.

I'm too old. Is that what you want to hear, Rebecca?

That you were right in lecturing me because I'm nothing but a vain, foolish

woman who refuses to act her age?

Mama, I lecture you because you are a beautiful, elegant, intelligent woman

doesn't need to act like a teenager.

Don't you see?

I want you to be proud of who you are.

Because, Mama, I sure am.

Oh, baby, I am so stupid.

Here I have been working so hard trying to have another child, but I've got one

right here I'll just never learn enough about.

Rebecca Jean, how'd you ever get so smart?

Hey, we're only as smart as our parents.

Oh. Maybe you're not my real mother.

Hey, you got me to you. Happy birthday, Mama.