Original subtitles

Thank you for being a friend.

Travel down the road and back again.

Your heart.

Man, this is my least favorite time of year. Spring break, it's the worst.

People drunk everywhere, orgies in the streets, kids running around in togas.

It's not even like Miami, it's like ancient Rome.

Ancient Rome was never like that.

Sure, every now and then we'd get a bad emperor, but... I'm showing my age,

aren't I?

You know what? This year, I'm ready for these college kids.

If they want to try and sneak beer in the room, they gotta go by me.

If they want to try and sneak a little friend in the room, they got to go by

If they want to go skinny dipping in that pool, they got to go by me.

Come on, boys. I'll show you up to your room.

Hey, no more than five guys at a time. Yeah, and don't overload the elevator

either.

Sophia, these are children.

Why, I have made it abundantly clear to these young gentlemen that I'm a trained

working professional of this hotel.

And I'm only here to provide professional services, so in spite of

insinuations, I am neither a tot nor a floozy.

I'm a massage technician.

You know, when kids look at people my age, they have certain expectations.

And you feel an obligation to be mature and wise, don't you? No, mean. Mean as

sin.

Old people scare the hell out of them.

What a rush.

Can I help you?

Hi, my name's Benson. I'm checking in.

Okay, Benson, you're in room 201.

What do you got in the trunk, Benson?

Clothes. Clothes.

All right, let me tell you who you're dealing with.

I'm Roland Wilson, baby.

I know every trick in the book. Now, you got a friend in here, and you're trying

to sneak him in. But that's not going to happen. No, I don't, honest. Well,

let's just have a little look -see inside.

No, man, there's no need. Open it, Benson.

Look, I just want to check into room 201.

All right, you're clean.

But I'm going to be watching you.

College kids, huh?

Yeah, man, but I'm up to... You know, I had my party days when I was in my frat.

Yeah, me, the stooge, creeper, snake. Man, we had some great times.

Stooge, creeper, and the snake?

Yeah. You know, when guys are in a frat together and they like each other, they

give each other these great nicknames. You know, it's kind of a tradition.

Oh, yeah?

What was yours?

Roland.

Hey, man, where'd you go to college? Me?

I didn't, man.

See, back in the 60s, the government had this alternative program for minorities

who couldn't afford college.

What the heck was the name of it? Oh, yeah. Vietnam.

And it was before I shipped out. Me and my buddies got together. We had our own

spring break. Really? What'd you do?

Oh, you know, the usual.

Partied all night. Met a girl. Built a 43 -foot burrito.

It was almost a world record, too, man.

Except we ate it before we could get the Guinness people down there.

I wish I had another shot at that. Wait a minute. Why would you build a 43 -foot

burrito? Same reason Picasso painted noses on the sides of women's faces.

Oh, because he was a great artist?

Is that why he did that?

Wow. I did that breeder because I was wasted.

Hello, Grandma.

Charlene! Oh, honey, am I glad to see you.

I brought you a copy of the St. Olaf news.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

Oh, it's so nice to see comics on the front page where they belong.

Oh, we're going to have such good times. We're going to have tea parties and

braid each other's hair.

Actually, Grandma, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Rick. Hi.

He'll be staying here this weekend.

Oh, silly me. You brought a boy with you. Well, you know what? I think it's

almost long enough. I think his hair will braid up just fine.

Actually, Grandma, we thought we'd go jet skiing this afternoon.

Oh, that sounds exciting.

Yeah, and tonight we thought we'd, you know, check out some of the clubs. That

sounds like fun.

We thought Rick and I could share a room. Sounds like a cold day in hell.

Dad. Benson.

Hold it. What?

Come here.

Come here, come here, come here.

Open the coat.

What? I don't have no beer in this.

Just open the coat.

Uh -huh.

Just as I thought.

Well, Mr.

Sneaky.

Guess you're not as sneaky as you thought you were.

Are you, Mr. Sneaky?

I'm sorry. I just wanted a sip of it. You know, to get that crazy feeling.

Pretty irresponsible, huh?

Nah, don't worry about it. I just don't want that kind of thing happening in

this hotel.

How stupid to even try. You bet you were.

Hey.

Sorry about that, Mr.

Sneaky Crack.

Forgotten. Hey,

Blanche, I'd like you to reconsider this giant burrito. The answer is no.

Blanche, doesn't the idea of a 43 -foot burrito excite you?

I must be getting jaded now.

Grandma, can I talk to you for a second? Oh, sure you can, honey.

You know, it's funny, but of all the people I know, you know, you're the only

one I can really open up to. I feel like I can tell you anything and not be

judged. Oh, sweetheart, I'm always here for you.

What's on your mind?

Well, Rick and I have been dating for about a year now, and, oh, I really like

him. And, well, I'm not sure, but I'm thinking about having sex with him.

I see.

Charlene, do you remember that little song I used to sing to you whenever you

had trouble deciding the right thing to do?

He knows when you are sleeping.

He knows when you're awake. Grandma. He knows when you've been bad or good, so

be good for goodness sake. Everybody sing.

You better not cry.

Grandma. You better not. Grandma. You better not cry.

Grandma, this is serious. I really, really need some advice.

Well, honey, back in St. Olaf, when we girls would get thoughts like the ones

you're having now, the clergy would put us to work paving that little dirt road

in front of the church until the thoughts just went away.

I don't remember any dirt road. Well, you know it as the Minneapolis Turnpike.

What's up, dog?

Hey, man, can you believe this place? They got no security at all.

Man, when I leave, I'm going to take the ashtrays, the towels.

I may even take my dresser.

What you going to take, Jake?

I wouldn't put any of this ugly stuff in my house.

It's a nice place, man. They got some nice stuff.

Well, be careful. There's always one undercover cop trying to pass himself

as one of these kids. I know, man. It's usually the real loke who's trying real

hard to look young and hip, but he can't quite cut it.

Thanks for the tip, officer.

What's the use?

What's the matter?

I know that these kids are wrecking the hotel, but I just can't catch them.

And I can't wait to get them out of here.

Hunter, we can't afford to lose them.

Well, Blanche, we can't afford to have them here. Where do you see the damage?

Well, the weather report says it's going to storm all weekend.

Maybe we should go to Key West where it's sunny.

Yeah!

Roland, Roland, we need their business. Oh, if they leave, we're going to lose a

fortune. Oh, there must be something fun these kids can do indoors.

Hey, we could still go for that world's record.

Julie, for the last time, I will have nothing to do with a 43 -foot burrito.

All right, let's get that giant burrito moving.

Slowly I'll cook, bean by bean, tortilla by tortilla, and soon I shall

stand in front of my greatest creation.

The 43 -foot burrito.

Bitch can't eat just one.

Blanche, have you seen Charlene? Oh, yes. We had a very nice little chat.

Really? About what?

Oh, this and that, that and this.

Sex.

You didn't. Well, Charlene needed guidance and you wouldn't give it, so I

her a little advice. I told her to approach her budding sexuality the same

did.

Blanche, you're crazy if you think I'm going to let Charlene paint a bullseye

any part of her body.

Charlene, open up. Tell me you didn't listen to Blanche. Oh, no, I'm too late.

You are in big trouble, you.

Oh, no, no, no. You got it all wrong. We're just getting ready for our

snorkeling lesson.

I will not.

I'll be downstairs.

How could you embarrass me like that?

This is all Blanche's fault.

I mean, this was going to be such a wonderful week, and now she had to go

ruin it. All I wanted to do was spend some time with you.

No, Grandma.

You want to spend some time with some little girl who's not here anymore.

And if you can't see me for who I am, then I can't stay here.

Oh, Charlene, no.

Charlene, come back.

I'm just trying to protect your reputation.

Charlene, ready?

Oh, no. Word's gotten out already.

All right, boil that rice.

Come on, grate that cheese.

Hey, stir those beans.

Hitler, Stalin, and now you.

What are you saying, Sophia, that I've turned into some kind of dictator?

No, I was just thinking how much younger the three of you would look without the

mustache.

Hey, this burrito thing's a kick.

This is not just a burrito, Sophia.

This record is my shot at immortality.

By the time I'm done with this burrito, it'll be limber yet firm, taut yet soft

and supple to the touch.

All the curves in all the right places.

Man, I need a woman.

All right, everybody, take a break.

Any word from Charlene?

No. Oh, it's so furious.

This is all Blanche's fault that she's out there somewhere in the rain with no

place to stay.

Don't smile if you open this door and let me in.

knows where Charlene is.

I was only doing what I thought best. I don't want to talk about it. Come on,

Rose. Surely this must have come up with your own daughters.

Well, things were different back then.

I mean, nobody would consider having sex in the same building with a parent.

People were a lot more discreet back then, huh? No, we all drove really big

cars.

Oh, you know it's not easy for...

Fathers, once their daughters start dating. Oh, tell me about it.

There was always one kid in every town who scared the hell out of all the

daddies. You know, the kind of rebel who wouldn't think twice about climbing in

a bedroom window late at night or pretending to run out of gas on a lonely

country road or getting somebody drunk just in order to have their way with

them.

Yes, sir, I had quite a bag of tricks.

Hey, guys, listen to this.

I was just out in the lobby, right? And there's this kid out there being really

loud and obnoxious. And just as I opened my mouth to tell him to knock it off,

this strange voice came out of me. And then suddenly I just realized something.

We have a ventriloquist here at the hotel?

No, Rose.

It occurred to me that I sound just like my dad.

Yeah, I was getting ready to yell at this kid the same way that my dad used

yell at me.

It's weird, man. I'm starting to get old.

Roland, don't you think you're being a little silly?

No, I'm telling you, something is making me old before my time. I just wish I

knew what it was.

I don't know.

It's anybody's guess.

Beats me.

Tums.

Oh,

Roland, what you're feeling isn't all that unusual. Even I... on occasion have

worried about growing older get out of here yes i'm telling you menopause was

very difficult for me i don't want to hear this tell them about your hot

oh honey they were faster than a strobe light at a gay disco i

really don't want to hear this the change hit me overnight i

went to bed one night young and beautiful The next morning, I looked

Barbie doll that somebody left on a radiator.

But you don't want to hear this.

No, oddly enough, that one I didn't mind too much.

Well, it's a good thing you didn't mind it, because it happens to everybody.

I mean, people grow.

They change.

I mean, nobody can be expected to just stay at the same stage throughout their

whole life.

Really?

Isn't that what you're asking Charlene to do?

I guess I am.

Hi, Grandma.

Charlene, honey, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Look, I'm sorry I didn't call last night. Rick and I stayed in another

No.

Before you tell me about last night, I want to apologize.

I mean, you came to me with a problem, and I wasn't there for you.

But I want you to know that whatever decision you've reached, I'll accept.

Rick and I didn't sleep together last night.

Oh, you're a good girl.

You're a good, clean girl.

Last night, I was so upset about what happened between you and me that I

get to decide.

But... I don't know what I'm going to do about tonight.

So do you think now we can talk?

Well, honey, the truth is I can't make that decision for you. I mean, only you

can.

But I can tell you what I did.

I waited until after I was married.

I mean, that doesn't make me better or somebody else worse.

Anyway, when the time is right, you'll know.

And I can tell you this.

You're going to enjoy it a lot more if you're in love.

It's funny, that's exactly what Blanche said.

Blanche told you to wait?

Uh -huh.

Blanche, did I?

Told you to wait?

Yeah, she said that I would know when the time is right.

Well, that doesn't sound like Blanche.

Actually, she said I would know when the many, many times were right.

The minute, minute, minute.

That sounds like Blanche.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry I was so hard to talk to. I think I just missed the

girl I used to color with and play dolls with.

Actually, Grandma, we never played together. I just sort of watched you.

Well, I missed the company.

So, do you have any big plans for the rest of the day? Well, I thought we'd do

some sightseeing and catch a movie.

Oh, Rick will enjoy that.

No, Grandma.

I thought I'd do that with you.

Let's go get you a snack. Okay.

Hey, what gives?

Who put the padlock on my door?

Party's over, Sneaky.

What are you talking about?

Face it, Sneaky, you've been out snuck.

I know you've been hiding extra kids up in your room and they're going to stay

there under lock and key until you cough up the extra dough. But I don't... Ah,

save it, sneaky man.

Look, you may have fooled me once.

You may have fooled me twice.

But this time I'm way ahead of you.

So look, we're going to go up to your room and every extra kid I find up there

you're going to pay for, alright?

Fair enough.

Alright.

Alright, sneaklings, you're busted!

Thank you.

Nice? Do you have any idea how big it is?

Um, 43 feet 2 inches?

Lash!

Lash! Lash!

Lash! Lash! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I say something?

You know, Chewie, now that I've seen how hard you work and how important this

burrito is to you, there's something I feel compelled to tell you.

What is it, Sophia?

I can't find my watch and I'm going in. Whoa!

And now all the guys from the record book get here.

And I've waited 24 years for this, and nothing can stop me now. Listen,

everybody, we've got a problem.

What's the matter? They just issued a flash flood warning on the news. They

all the businesses to use whatever means necessary to keep water damage at a

minimum. Well, we'll just get some sandbags from the fire department. We

have time for that. No, we have to use everything around here that's able to

soak up lots and lots of water.

Why do we have to make some kind of sacrifice?

How about if we throw the old lady in a volcano?

How can that help?

How can it hurt?

Okay.

But can I save three feet of it?

Why? To break the record.

Before this, the world's largest burrito was only two feet eleven inches.

passed me last year and okay okay they got past me this year but from now on no

other kids are getting out of this hotel without paying their bill have

a nice evening sir we will you see I've got like this

radar which allows me to hone right in on