Original subtitles

Thank you.

Hey, Chewy, man, you should check out the stage in the ballroom. It's really

starting to look like a comedy club, man. We're going to make a lot of money

this thing.

Yeah, it's a great idea.

Oh, by the way, I have an application for somebody who wants to enter the

competition.

You're kidding, right?

No.

Corny Castillos?

Yeah, do you love it?

See, I was trying to come up with a stage name that was funny, and since the

funniest word in the world is corn... Corn!

Corny Castillos.

All I got to do now is come up with a five -minute act, but I have all week,

how hard can it be?

Corny, listen to me.

You don't want to get up on that stage and make an idiot of yourself. Now, what

you need is a writer, you know, someone who's young, down, naturally funny, like

me.

You?

No offense, brother, but your body's funny as a lima bean.

Hey, can anyone join this comedy competition?

Oh, not you too, Sophia. What's your stage name? Mom's Petrillo?

Boy, you make one adult party record in the 50s and it haunts you all year long.

No, I was thinking of a guy I knew back in the old neighborhood.

An older guy.

Older than you?

He was part of a comedy team. Williams and Brown or Brown and Williams or

Williams and Williams.

Funny guy.

Look. Doesn't matter what his name is. Anybody older than you can make it on

stage. I'll put him on.

Hey, you know, this is shaping up to be quite a weekend.

I just learned my son Matthew's going to come for a visit. And the comedy show's

almost sold out.

Oh, yes, speaking of which, Chewy wants to enter. Oh. And Sophia.

Oh, don't let Sophia enter. Have you heard her party record? It's filthy.

Oh.

Hello. My name is Bill Douglas.

I have a reservation?

Oh, yes, Mr. Douglas. Yes, I have you right here.

You know, you look very familiar to me.

Where do I know you from? What do you do for a living?

Well, I own a mattress factory.

Maybe you've heard about our line, Douglas Mattresses, the mattress that

last a lifetime.

Yes, I've had three of them.

Well, I hope you enjoy your stay. here at the Golden Palace. Thank you. We do

everything we can to make our guests feel like they're very special. Thank

Thank you.

Rose, are

you okay?

You look shaken like you've... I've seen a ghost.

Well, I was going to say drinking heavily, but... I've seen a ghost works,

Rose, are you all right?

Look at this picture.

Oh, my goodness.

It's you and Mr. Douglas on a cow.

No, that's me with Charlie.

Mr. Douglas looks exactly like my husband, Charlie.

Oh, well, no wonder he looks so familiar.

Oh,

and I made such a fool of myself.

Oh, he must think I'm a nut. I really should apologize. I mean, he is a guest.

Well, if it makes you uncomfortable, I think you ought to just avoid that

particular guest.

Oh, Blanche, don't be silly. I mean, I'm a big girl. I'm not going to create a

situation just because somebody happens to look like Charlie. Oh, good.

Of course, if he kisses like Charlie, you'll have to get the jaws of life to

me off him.

Read this joke.

Read this one. Yeah, you're going to love it.

Too bad Al Gore's not a waiter because he married a good tipper.

Boom!

I don't get it.

What do you mean? His wife's name is Tipper.

It's not funny.

Man, that's because you're not saying it right. You've got to hit Tipper. His

wife's a good tipper.

That's big funny.

Chewy, Roland, I want you all to meet my son, Matthew.

Matthew, this is Roland and Chewy.

Okay.

Oh, honey, I just have so many plans for us today.

Mother, can we talk for a minute?

Look, I have something to tell you.

Okay.

Geez, I'm nervous.

How can I put this?

You know, Mom, you and I have a lot more in common than you think.

We like the same things.

We like the same things?

Honey, the only thing I really like is...

Oh, my God, you're

gay.

No.

No, what I mean is we both like to take chances.

Like when you bought this hotel, you weren't afraid to change your life.

So... I've decided to stop being a stockbroker and become a stand -up

Matthew, honey, if this is your roundabout way to tell me that you're

don't have to. I accept it.

I'm not gay, mother.

Oh, yes, you are.

Sorry, but I'm not.

And I really want to do comedy.

Oh, comedy. No, Matthew, that's so undignified.

How could you do this to me?

I'm not saying I'm going to make a career of it, but I've been performing

some clubs, and I'm not half bad.

So when you wrote me about this comedy competition, I came down here so you

could see it. You didn't quit your job, did you?

For a little while.

Oh.

Well, forgive me if I cannot laugh, Matthew, but I find nothing funny about

son ruining his life.

Now, I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Let's just get you checked in.

You want to listen to some show tunes later?

Straight as an arrow, Mom.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

You're probably wondering why I screamed and ran away from you this morning.

I'm used to that.

I used to sell Amway.

Please. My name is Bill Douglas.

Rose Nyland.

The reason I reacted the way I did was... was...

Well, just before I saw you, I remembered I forgot to unplug the iron

the house. Oh.

Is everything all right?

I don't know. I sold the house in 1976.

I guess I would have heard something by now.

Well, where did you live?

Oh, in a beautiful little... Little town in Minnesota called St. Olaf.

Have you ever been there?

My wife and I honeymooned there.

Oh.

Will your wife be joining you here? Oh, no. She passed away a few years ago.

Oh. Oh, that must have been hard.

Yes, it was.

Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

Yes.

What time?

Seven o 'clock?

In the lobby? Oh, I'm sorry. We don't serve dinner in the lobby.

Well, why don't you and I just meet in the lobby, and then we will go out to a

restaurant.

Great!

See you at seven.

Yeah.

Wow. And smart, too.

Okay, Chewie, I'm setting up the lineup for Saturday night's show. Now, you sure

you still want to go on? What makes you think I wouldn't want to go on?

Because I saw you rehearsing your act today.

Somebody can wreck a window.

You're just saying that because I'm not using any of your lousy jokes.

My jokes? What about your jokes?

I had a dream last night that I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up,

pillow was gone.

Ba -boom!

That joke is so old, Pia Zadora wouldn't marry it.

That reminds me, I talked to my friend. He thinks he can make it. Oh, great.

What's his name?

Oh, this is crazy.

I just had it.

I tell you, at my age, the first thing to go is the... Mind?

No, help yourself.

Look, Sophia, if the old dude shows up, I'll put him on right after Matthew

Devereaux. Matthew's not entering the laugh -off. Uh, does Matthew know this?

Matthew know what?

Matthew, I forbid you to enter this contest.

Mom, I'm 35.

Your forbidden days are over. Now look, don't you get smart with me. I have been

reading some of your material. Huh.

When I was young, my mother used so much makeup, her pillowcase looked like it

had a picture of a clown on it.

Hey, you can't do that. Thank you, Chewy. I'm doing a pillow joke.

Those are personal.

Oh, well, they certainly are.

Look, if you want to go out and make a fool of yourself in public, that's one

thing. But you are not going to make me look like a fool, too. You have no right

to invade my privacy.

My point exactly.

Now, Matthew, you're not doing this to me.

Maybe I should talk to Matthew.

You think you can help? I know I can help. I have over a thousand bland slut

jokes.

Yeah, what a night, huh?

Oh, I don't think I've had this much fun in years. You know, I can't remember

when I last danced to polka.

Did you like my solo?

I'm always impressed when somebody jumps up on a table and stands on their

hands.

Actually, that's the way we danced back in St. Olaf.

Oh?

There's something I have to tell you. Can I tell you something first?

Look, I have been alone for seven years.

I tried dating.

I know what you mean. Oh, yes. But you're very different.

When I'm with you, I feel comfortable.

Just comfortable.

No, don't underrate that.

When you're comfortable, you allow yourself.

To feel wonderful things.

Like what?

Like this.

Or this.

I won't be going to the show tonight, so there's another ticket you can save.

You gotta go.

I sold Matthew this one joke, and no one will get it if they can't see you.

I mean,

he's your son.

Yeah, Blanche, you have to go. This is a big night for the hotel.

I'm not going if Matthew's going on.

He used to be so responsible, and then last night he told me that he just

happy anymore being a stockbroker.

All I could think of was how hard his daddy worked giving him an education so

could have some security.

Now he's just going to throw it all away?

I think you're behaving ridiculously.

You should talk.

You're the one who went out with a guy who looks like Charlie.

How would you like me to iron those wrinkles out of your face, you little

snitch?

Rose, you didn't. It was no big deal. He asked me out, and we danced a little,

and he gave me a tiny kiss, and we laughed and cried, and I

stood on my hands.

God, I think I love him.

Did you tell him about Charlie?

Well... Oh, Rose.

Rose, honey, you don't even know this man.

You just think you do, and this isn't being fair to him.

I know you're right. I have to tell him.

But you know, you're lucky, Blanche. I'm lucky?

Well, if you want to see George, you don't have to look any further than

Matthew.

She's right.

How many times have you told us that Matthew acts like George, thinks like

George, that Matthew is exactly like his father?

Would you excuse me? I think I want to talk to my son.

You know...

Every once in a while, I remember how much I need that male voice in my life,

too.

Do you want me to get Dorothy on the phone for you? Would you, darling?

Matthew, may I speak to you a minute?

Don't worry, I'm not going on tonight.

Oh, okay.

But did I ever tell you how I met your father?

No. He was a barker at a carnival, putting himself through college.

Dad was a carnival barker? I didn't know that. Oh, yeah.

He used to sell these dice from Paris, France.

They were just like regular dice until you held them up to the light. I do

remember him doing that. Yeah. That's how you met Dad?

Hell, I bought six pairs.

Then after he became a lawyer, he used to do it at parties and charity events,

and then I guess he just became too successful, and it wasn't dignified

for him to... put on that straw hat and do his little pitch.

But Lord, how that man loved to make a fool of himself.

What are you saying?

Oh, I'm saying go out there and make a fool of yourself.

You'd make your father proud of you.

What about you?

I'm proud of you, whatever you do.

No, sit down, Bill.

I have something to show you.

A picture of you and

me sitting on a cow.

No, that's me with my late husband, Charlie.

Wow.

It certainly explains your instant attraction to me.

Well, I wanted to tell you right away, but... But you wanted to extend the

fantasy a little longer.

Don't be angry.

Oh, no, no, I'm not, but let's be honest.

Would you ever be able to look at me without thinking about Charlie?

Well, maybe not right at first, but after a little while... You would never

able to know how you really felt about me.

I don't think it's going to work.

I'm so sorry. I'll leave.

Oh, no, no, I don't want you to leave.

Oh, I don't think I could stand that again.

You see, when Charlie died, it all happened so fast, I never got a chance

goodbye.

And now you're just going to walk out on me, too?

If you could say goodbye to Charlie right now, what would you say?

What would I say?

What would you say to Charlie?

Charlie, the 30 years that we spent together seemed like

a day.

When you died, part of me died, too.

I love you, and I miss you.

Thank you, Bill.

How you feeling, kiddo?

Not so good.

Hey, remember my friend the comic I told you about? Well, he's here.

That's nice.

Why don't you come with me and meet him? I'm telling you, the guy's a hoot.

Sophia, I really don't feel like hooting right now.

Come on, it'll do you some good. Come on.

Sophia told me to cheer you up.

So I will.

Here's a cigar.

I don't smoke.

Okay, that didn't get a laugh.

I'll tell you a joke.

Have you heard this one?

I don't think so.

I haven't told it yet.

A teacher said to a kid in school, what does your father do? He says, my

father's a doctor.

He said to the other kid, what does your father do? He says, my father's a

lawyer. He said to the third kid, what does your father do? He says, my

dead.

He says, what did he do before he died? He says, he went, ooh.

Here's a cigar.

All right, Mr. Burns, whenever you're ready.

Ready. I've been ready for 97 years.

Let's take a walk. Okay.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. And now for my last song, I'm going to sing a song that's

going to make Rose happy.

Morty and Sam Neumansky.

I love to call you Rose here, but roses fade away.

Roses die when wintertime appears.

And I love to call you Daisy.

But daisies always tell what sweethearts like to whisper in your ear.

I'd love to call you Honey, but Honey runs away.

I'm much before a name like Cling and Vine.

And if I called you Buttercup, the dandelions would eat you up.

So I'll buy a ring and change your name.

And change your name and buy a ring.

Oh, I'll change it and I'll buy it and I'll buy it and I'll change it. I'll buy

a ring and change your name to mine.

Did you

like

that, Rosie?

Oh, I sure did, Sam.

My name isn't Sam.

It's Williams or Brown or Williams.

George Burns.

George Burns.

All right.

Mr. George Burns.

And now.

The comedy stylings of Mr.

Corny Castillo's.

Excuse me.