Original subtitles

Thank you for being a friend.

Travel down the road and back again.

Your heart.

Southern Palace Romantic Getaway Weekend does come with a lot of extras.

Complimentary bottle of champagne, candlelight dinner, black satin sheets.

Tell them about the coloring books. Tell them about the coloring books.

Okay, great.

Yeah, I'll go ahead and end your reservation.

All right, thank you.

I can't believe this, Rose. We're almost book solid.

Oh, I know. You should trust my instincts more often. Yeah, but how did

that this romantic getaway was going to be so popular?

Remember something my minister told me when I was a little girl? What's that?

He said, Moses parting the Red Sea is a nice story, but Mary Magdalene really

packs a pew.

What does that mean?

Sex sells, baby.

Hey, Sophia, where does this thing go?

Over there.

To be honest, this is why everybody's coming.

Getting Dr.

Ursula to give us one of her lecture weekends was a real coup.

Really? I'll have to take your word for it. I've never even heard of her before

this. Of course you have.

She's the love doctor.

She's on all the talk shows.

She writes all those controversial books on sex. I think Dr.

Ursula is great. I just took one of her books out of the library last week.

It's called New Sexual Positions for the Senior Citizen.

And Art Linkletter will be selling a lot of adjustable beds this year.

Well, this sounds awesome. I'm there.

I haven't told you, but I've been having some problems with my sexual partners

lately. Such as?

I don't have any.

Well, Sophia, don't give up hope. All you have to do is find a man you're

sexually compatible with.

Stop looking at me.

There used to be a time when everybody down at the senior center would ask me

dance. I didn't know you liked to dance.

Oh, please, I love disco night at the center. The music, the mingling.

I'm not crazy about the strobe lights, but it does make us look like we're

moving.

Well, why doesn't anybody ask you to dance anymore?

I think I've lost my sex appeal.

I said I think I've lost my sex appeal.

Oh, you still got it, baby. You're a hot babe.

You're just being condescending to an old lady, but I'm a person, damn it.

If you prick me, do I not bleed?

Eventually.

Well, you are not going to believe who left a message on my answering service.

Taylor Michaels.

He's coming to town.

Who? Taylor Michaels.

I told you all about him. We went to college together. I wanted him in the

way. Only, unfortunately, so did my roommate, Lauren. We fought tooth and

over him.

Yeah, but you won, right, Blanche?

Right, Blanche?

No, she didn't.

I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. What?

She got her butt kicked.

I lost, all right? Is that what you wanted to hear? That one time in her

Blanche Devereaux lost a man to another woman. Are you happy?

I have no heroes left.

Hello, may I help you?

Yes, I'd like a room, please.

All righty.

I have one with a beautiful ocean view. Well, if it's half as beautiful as the

view in front of me right now, I think that would be perfect.

Oh, wait.

Do you mean me or the male sloth?

No, no, no. You, of course.

Oh, goody.

Blanche? Blanche Hollingsworth?

It's me, Taylor Michaels.

Taylor! Oh, I do not believe this.

Just look at you.

Would you just look at him? I'm looking. I'm looking. Oh, you look exactly the

same. I know.

And you, I could just eat you with a spoon. Rose will get me a spoon.

Rose! Oh, is that what this delightful young lady's name is? Oh, yes, I'm

Taylor. This is my business associate, Rose Nyland.

Rose, what a beautiful name.

You should see the flower.

So, Taylor, how'd you find me?

Well, I read that you bought this hotel in our hometown newspaper.

Since I had to be in Miami anyway for the hog convention, I thought, well, why

don't I just stay here?

And I'm glad I did.

Goody.

So, Taylor, do you have any plans while you're in town?

Well, I hope so.

Rose, would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

Yes.

I mean...

I'll have to check my schedule first. Excuse us for a moment.

Blanche, I really like him. But I know he's an old friend of yours, and I won't

go if you don't want me to. Oh, honey, don't be ridiculous.

I'll have a lot of time to be with Taylor. You go on and enjoy this one

-only event.

Only, I guess I should warn you, he does raise prize pigs, so you might have to

sit through endless pig stories.

You don't have to sell me. I already said yes.

Well, I signed up for the love doctor's class. I can't wait to go.

I thought that thing was couples only.

You can forget that.

I've seen that look in your eye before. That's the same look you had when you

asked me to fix your shower.

What was wrong with that?

You were using it at the time.

I can't believe you're still whining about that.

I had a shower cap on.

I really don't want to go to this class with you. I think that people's personal

lives should be a private matter.

I noticed. I tried asking you about your last date. You refused to talk about

it. You asked me if I got any.

Well, did you?

Come on. Tell me what's going on with you. I really am interested.

All right, look.

The last few women that I've dated...

After we started to get close, I don't know, we just couldn't relate.

I guess it all began with... I'm sorry, I hate to interrupt, but as it turns

out, I'm not that interested.

But maybe the love doctor is.

Of course, couples only.

All right, Sophia, I'll go.

Hot damn!

Roland, have you seen Rose?

She's still not back with Taylor yet. Even they've been gone all this time?

possibly have to talk about besides pigs?

Chickens, chickens, chickens.

Well, it looks like somebody had a good time.

Are you kidding? We had a great time. Not only that, he's taking me to the

landing tomorrow.

You know that new restaurant?

That is, if you don't mind.

Mind? Why would I mind if my old friend and my even older roommate are

interested in each other who could be happier than me?

Thank you, Blanche.

Wow, Blanche.

That's a really great thing you just did. You know, stepping aside like that.

You realize this means war.

I'm sorry about the inconvenience, sir. The maid should have stopped your

bathroom. We'll send somebody up right away. All right.

Well, we're off to dinner. Wait, Rose.

Wait.

Did you forget the toilet paper?

It's a nice restaurant. I'm sure they'll have some.

And I guess better safe than sorry. No, no, Rose, wait.

We've been getting a lot of complaints.

Nobody on the second floor has gotten their towels or their toilet paper or

their soap. I did all those rooms hours ago. There must be some mistake.

Well, would you mind checking into it, please?

But that'll take an hour. We'll lose our reservation. No, no, no, that's all

right. I'll wait here. We'll go somewhere else later.

The love doctor.

Couples only.

Yeah, I'm going with Sophia.

Okay, Taylor, let's go. I just ran into Rose. She doesn't want those

reservations to go to waste, so she asked me to go in her place.

But she said... No buts. This is what Rose wants. Come on. Go.

Front desk.

Yes, sir. She's on her way up right now. I'm sorry about the inconvenience. All

right.

Roland, I need the key to the supply closet.

Where's Taylor?

He just left with Blanche. They went to dinner.

She said you didn't want those reservations wasted.

But I never talked to Blanche.

Will you look at all the toilet paper I found in the freezer?

How many times do I have to tell Blanche, please don't freeze the

Chewy. I mean, who's going to want to use frozen toilet paper?

At my age, any thrill will do.

Sorry about this, Rose.

Oh, I'm fine.

I mean, if Blanche needs to spend some time with Taylor, I understand.

I'm her closest friend.

You're going to get even, aren't you?

Norwegian people don't get even.

I thought you were Swedish.

I am.

at the restaurant said there was a big fire in the hotel kitchen.

Don't worry, Blanche. I was able to put that fire out with all the cold toilet

paper in the freezer.

I don't have the faintest idea what you're trapping on about.

You sabotaged my date. Did you think I was too dumb to figure it out? Frankly,

yes.

Admit it. It's just driving... you crazy that taylor likes me better than you

that's why you're being so competitive i don't need to be competitive with you

this is not some kind of race ladies is everything all right oh

it was just a stupid false alarm taylor that ruined a perfectly good evening but

what do you say we try it again tomorrow night this time with no interruptions

that won't be possible we've already made plans to have dinner alone tomorrow

night i'm sure taylor would rather spend the evening with me i think taylor can

make his own decisions I think Taylor ought to speak up. Well, look, look,

Why don't all three of us have dinner tomorrow night here together?

Oh, that's a splendid suggestion.

Fine with me. Oh, that's wonderful.

Well, I'm going to go to bed now.

Good night, ladies.

about this, Sophia. Look at this. Everybody's staring at us.

No, they're not.

What? You've never seen a May -December Afro -American -Italian relationship

before?

Hello, everybody.

I'm Dr.

Ursula, otherwise known as the Love Doctor.

And today, you're going to learn how to open up and share with your partner. So

let's get started by getting one of our couples up here into the love circle,

and we will help them resolve some of their problem areas.

Who wants to be first?

This looks like fertile ground.

We don't have a problem.

Yes, we do.

Help us, Dr. Love.

Sign here.

What's this?

It's a release form. You two are definitely in my next brochure.

Oh.

All right, if you'll just come up here in the left circle, please. No, no, no,

over here, please.

Thank you.

Well, then, what's your problem, sweetheart?

I want sex.

Well, that seems like a simple enough request.

Then you do it.

Well, in this class, We're actually less interested in sex and more interested

in love.

And one of the ways to express love is through touching exercises.

No touching.

You see what I have to put up with?

Now, I want you to take each other by the hands.

Now, look deeply into your partner's eyes.

And say, hello, lover.

Hello, lover.

Roland's not getting out of the love circle until he says this.

Hello.

Hello.

Look, I'm sorry. I just can't say... It's not Sophia. It's me. I'm sorry.

Roland, the first step in overcoming your fear of intimacy is being able to

I love you to anyone. So try telling Sophia you love her.

I... Just try, Roland.

I love you, Sophia.

Very good, Roland.

Big step for you. All right. Yeah, that wasn't so bad. Maybe that did help.

Now then, Sophia, what's your problem?

I don't have a problem.

I just wanted to get the kid in here so he could work out his problem.

You did all this for me?

Well, not just for you. I still want somebody to dance with. Well, still,

was very nice of you, Sophia. You must really care for Roland.

He's all right.

All right?

I like him.

Like him?

What the hell? I love you, Roland.

Come on, you little sea monkey. I'm taking you dancing.

We're so happy.

And that's where I found out what taking the blanket really meant.

Oh, Taylor, you have to stop. My stomach hurts from laughing so hard.

Rose, would you push your chair back? All that jiggling is causing our coffee

spill.

If you ladies will excuse me, I have to go to the little boy's room. Oh, but

hurry back. And then maybe the two of us could go up to my room. I have a

delicious after -dinner treat waiting there for you.

Are you sure there's any of that left, Blanche? You have been giving out a lot

of samples lately.

Excuse me, I'll be back in a second.

Well, why don't you just leap across the table into his lap? I don't know what

you're talking about. I haven't been flirting with him all night.

Edge, you offered to open his baked potato with your tongue.

Like you're any better, little miss. Oh, I dropped my corn on the cob right down

my cleavage. Can somebody help me get it out?

You're just mad because the only thing you can fit in your cleavage is a

Oh, that does it.

Oh, the gloves are off.

Let's just see how smug you are when he leaves here with me.

Sorry about that.

Did I miss anything?

Oh, well, Rose and I were just playing a little game.

Taylor, if you were all alone on a desert island and you could have either

or me for companionship, who would you choose?

Oh, gosh, I don't know.

It's a desert island.

You'll have no one else to look at, no one else to talk to.

Rose.

Now, see?

It's a desert island.

There's nothing to do.

So you'll probably be wanting to engage in certain adult activities.

Now, who would you choose?

Rose.

Look, it's a desert island. The sun beats down with a harsh intensity.

Anybody with a fair Swedish skin is going to end up looking like an old

handbag. before you know it. Now, who would you choose?

Rose.

Blanche. What's going on here?

Nothing.

Nothing's going on here.

Nothing has ever been going on here.

Not between you and me. Not 40 years ago. Not now. Not ever.

For what it's worth, I would bring sunblock.

Why should you care if Taylor has a crush on me?

Because it's just history repeating itself, Rose. It's just like in college

Lauren. Taylor prefers you over me for some incomprehensible reason. He wants

you and not me.

And I can't handle it.

Don't you see, if I can't attract a man, what's the point?

Blanche, you can't base your self -worth on whether men find you attractive or

not. I most certainly can.

Doesn't every woman?

No!

Gosh, if I did that, well...

Actually, right now I'd be flying pretty high.

The truth is, when it comes to men, you just can't control yourself.

That's not true.

How many good women friends have you driven away with your competitiveness?

All of them.

My God, you're right.

All of them, Rose.

I mean, after all these years, I should be more important to you than Taylor.

Oh, honey, you are.

Oh, your friendship's the most important thing in my life.

Oh, I've been so foolish.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

From now on, I swear, Rose Nyland, no man is ever going to come between us

again.

Prove it.

What? Prove it.

I want you to sit there while I go through that door to Taylor. Do you

can do it?

Yeah, I think so.

Okay.

I'm going.

I'm walking toward the door.

My hand is reaching for the door.

I've made contact.

I'm pushing.

I stub my toe.

The pain is flooding through my body.

Iggy is starting to throb.

Would you just get through the damn door already?

I'm through the damn door.

I did it.

I did it.

I chose a female friendship over a relationship with a man.

So this is what it feels like to be totally, completely selfless.

Feels a lot like appendicitis.